I never want to feel small again • Taking up space as an artist
Summary
TLDRThe speaker reflects on the transformative power of art in overcoming personal struggles. They recount the emotional journey of battling self-criticism and the dark clouds of self-doubt, only to find solace and strength in their creative process. Through painting, they symbolize the duality of their inner battles, where their art serves as a mirror to their resilience and a testament to their growth. The paintings become a form of self-embrace, a reminder of their capacity to be both strong and tender, and a declaration of their desire to be seen and to occupy space assertively.
Takeaways
- 🎨 The speaker reflects on the feeling of accomplishment after completing a challenging task and the desire to reassure their past self.
- 🖌️ They have been working on finishing paintings, using an existing palette, which suggests a creative process and resourcefulness.
- 😔 The speaker admits to struggling with self-criticism and feeling unwell when speaking to the camera, indicating a moment of vulnerability.
- 🤯 They describe an internal battle with a critical voice that undermines their self-worth and can last for days or even weeks.
- 😞 The negative self-talk is personified as 'she' who clouds their vision and makes them feel unworthy, highlighting the depth of their internal conflict.
- 📅 The speaker mentions a recent four-day struggle with this negative voice, emphasizing the impact it has on their daily life.
- 🌞 Despite the darkness, there is an opposing force of light within them, represented by intuition, creativity, and a drive for growth.
- 💪 This positive force encourages self-care and reminds the speaker that their work is good enough, suggesting a path towards self-acceptance.
- 🎥 The act of creating, such as painting and journaling, serves as a therapeutic outlet and a way to document personal growth.
- 🌈 The speaker finds balance in embracing the duality of their experiences, recognizing that strength and softness coexist within them.
- 🤗 They view their paintings as a form of self-comfort, a reminder of their strength and the desire to be seen and take up space in the world.
Q & A
What does the 'aha' moment mentioned in the script refer to?
-The 'aha' moment refers to the realization and relief one feels when looking back at a past challenge that seemed difficult at the time but is now overcome, prompting a desire to comfort one's past self.
Why did the speaker decide to use their existing palette for finishing drawings?
-The speaker decided to use their existing palette to finish drawings because they already had it, and it seemed like a practical and resourceful decision.
How does the speaker describe their relationship with themselves when they are being overly critical?
-The speaker describes their relationship with themselves as being very tough and mean, acknowledging that they can be their own harshest critic.
What does the speaker refer to as 'she' in the script?
-The 'she' referred to in the script symbolizes the speaker's inner critic or negative self-talk, which brings out feelings of insignificance and self-doubt.
How often does the speaker mention that the 'dark cloud' aspect of themselves appears?
-The speaker mentions that the 'dark cloud' aspect appears at least once a month and can sometimes stay longer, impacting their self-perception and mood.
What does the speaker do when they feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts?
-When overwhelmed by negative thoughts, the speaker wants to disappear and become unseen, indicating a desire to escape from their current emotional state.
Why does the speaker feel that talking to the camera is difficult at times?
-The speaker feels that talking to the camera is difficult because it can be an emotionally vulnerable act, and they may not always be in the right mental state to express themselves comfortably.
How does the speaker describe the role of their creativity and intuition in overcoming negative feelings?
-The speaker describes creativity and intuition as a source of light and strength that helps them counteract negative feelings, showing up in their writing, painting, and videos to remind them of their worth.
What does the speaker consider their paintings to be?
-The speaker considers their paintings to be a form of self-comfort, like hugs that take time to form but have a lasting impact, providing comfort to themselves and potentially others.
How does the speaker view the purpose of creating art in relation to their personal struggles?
-The speaker views creating art as a way to manage and balance their personal struggles, using it as a tool to express and reconcile with their inner conflicts and to remind themselves of their strength and potential.
What is the speaker's ultimate desire regarding their self-perception and presence?
-The speaker's ultimate desire is to be seen, to take up space, and to never feel small again, indicating a wish for self-assertion and self-worth.
Outlines
🌧️ Overcoming Self-Criticism and Embracing Creativity
The speaker reflects on the feeling of accomplishment after overcoming challenges, comparing it to hugging a past self and reassuring them that everything will be alright. They discuss their journey with imaginary friends and the use of a palette to complete paintings, which serves as a metaphor for personal growth. The speaker acknowledges their self-critical nature, describing an internal critic who can be harsh and destructive, affecting their self-perception and motivation. They also touch on the importance of balance, with the darker aspects of their personality being contrasted by their creativity and intuition. The speaker finds solace in creating art, which serves as a form of self-expression and a means to cope with their internal struggles.
🌟 The Power of Positivity and Self-Affirmation
In this paragraph, the speaker contrasts their internal critic with a more positive voice that encourages self-care and affirmation. This positive voice starts small, suggesting acts of self-kindness and the freedom to choose one's actions. As it grows stronger, it influences the speaker's writing, painting, and even their video content, serving as a reminder of their capabilities and worth. The speaker expresses joy and amazement at the impact of this positive force on their artwork, which not only reflects their strength but also their kindness and softness. They view their paintings as a form of self-hug, providing comfort and a lasting reminder of their resilience and potential. The speaker concludes by asserting their desire to be seen, to take up space, and to never feel small again, emphasizing the importance of self-recognition and self-worth.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Aha moment
💡Imaginary friends
💡Insecurities
💡Darkest clouds
💡Intuition
💡Creativity
💡Diary entries
💡Opposites
💡Strong body
💡Hugs
💡Space
Highlights
The speaker reflects on the feeling of accomplishment after overcoming past challenges.
Mention of completing imaginary friends paintings using an existing pallet.
A moment of silence indicating a lack of words or discomfort speaking to the camera.
Confession of self-imposed difficulty and self-criticism.
Description of an internal critic who is harsh and appears regularly.
A week of intense struggle with self-doubt and a desire to disappear.
The feeling of being unseen and the desire to become invisible.
The speaker's return to speaking to the camera after a period of absence.
Taking on a project that became overwhelming, leading to emotional distress.
The realization that the creative process can be therapeutic and a form of self-expression.
The concept of balance through opposites, including the speaker's own body and mind.
The emergence of a positive inner voice that encourages self-care and creativity.
The transformation of the inner voice into visible art, reflecting strength and growth.
The speaker's paintings as a form of self-hug, providing comfort and a reminder of strength.
The desire to be seen, take up space, and never feel small again.
The use of art as a way to manage internal struggles and create lasting reminders of resilience.
Transcripts
Do you know that feeling of aha
when you look back at something you did or you made at that time?
And it all felt so difficult and you struggled,
but once you were finished, you just forgot about all that.
And you want to hug your previous self and tell her it is all
going to be all right.
I finished some of my imaginary friends
because I have this pallet already
and I figured why not just use it for
finishing up some drawings?
Paintings actually.
I have nothing to say.
I don't feel good talking to the camera right now.
I can make things so hard for myself.
I don't think anyone can be as mean, as tough
and as destructive to me as I can be to me.
My skin is tough and I know it.
And so does she.
She who knows all my faults and darkest clouds.
She wants me to feel small, insignificant
and comes out at least a day a month, but will sometimes stay for a bit longer,
if she can settle with my insecurities.
Just last week I had a very bad case of hanging with her.
She stayed for four days; enough to make it feel like four weeks had passed.
And everything you've ever done is terrible.
She will cloud my vision, take over my body,
and make me feel like I shouldn't be there.
All I want to do, if I can even say want,
is disappear and get as small as I can be.
I want to become unseen.
I haven't spoken to the camera in a while, so it feels a little bit weird,
I have to say.
And then I took off a bit more than I can chew,
and now it's become this big thing with a poster...
I am laughing, but I am crying on the inside.
Oh, my brain at this time does not make any sense.
And I am really happy if this is done to take a break.
I also feel like these are my diary entries,
and I have been journaling, and I can’t get my thoughts on paper
and this is working better.
We wouldn't be in balance without opposites.
The same counts for my own body.
My own strong body.
When she surrounds me with my darkest clouds, there is her,
my intuition, my creativity, my light,
my drive to grow bigger, huge
and seen by everyone.
She'll start out small, telling me maybe I should do something nice for myself.
Or I shouldn't have to do anything.
That everything is up to me.
Then slowly she'll work herself into my day.
She'll show up in my writing, telling me everything I do is good enough.
And if she's really feeling good,
she'll show up in my painting
showing me that everything I do is good enough.
She will flow through the videos I make as references.
Surprising me, when I look back at her and how strong she is.
She will shut her up
even for a little bit.
I'm happy.
She’ll expand and become visible in the most beautiful and rich way,
looking at me, actually looking at me.
I am always so amazed
when I put a painting on the floor
and I'm going to try to show you how big it is.
I can see how strong she is
and how kind and how soft.
That feeling will stay within my painting.
And every time I look at her, that little light will show up.
I battle my own body, my own thoughts, and the only way I have managed to calm
those opposites is to create beautiful things.
Things that will stay and be a reminder
of how large I can grow, how soft I can be.
My paintings are my hugs to myself.
They just take longer to form, but they will stay longer
than physical hugs and can comfort more people than just me.
They are my reminder that my body is strong and can handle
anything, but it doesn't always have to do that alone.
I can be seen and I want to be seen and I want to take up space
and I never want to feel small again.
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