How can I fix my partner?

Real talk wit deyda Podcast

9 Sept 202408:31

Summary

TLDRIn this episode of 'Real Talk with Daada,' AD DuLa, Emmanuel discusses the common yet unhealthy dynamic of one partner attempting to 'fix' the other in a relationship. He emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between supportive behavior and the futile effort of trying to change someone's core personality or habits. The conversation highlights the emotional toll of being a 'fixer,' the resistance it often meets, and the potential damage to one's self-esteem and identity. Emmanuel advises on setting healthy boundaries, accepting partners as they are, and knowing when to walk away from a relationship that becomes a source of constant strain and disappointment.

Takeaways

😀 The podcast 'Real Talk with Daada' focuses on relationship topics, including navigating marriage and understanding the dynamics of fixing a partner.
🔧 The concept of someone being 'broken' and needing to be 'fixed' by their partner is explored, highlighting the potential for resistance and disappointment.
⚖️ There's a distinction between supporting a partner, which is healthy, and trying to fix them, which can lead to emotional strain and unrealistic expectations.
🚫 The idea of being a 'fixer' in a relationship is discouraged because it can result in the partner feeling unappreciated and can negatively impact their self-esteem and identity.
💔 The act of trying to fix someone can lead to resentment and strain in the relationship, as the person being 'fixed' may feel inadequate or threatened.
🤝 The importance of acceptance in a relationship is emphasized, where partners should appreciate each other without the need to change one another.
📍 Setting healthy boundaries is crucial when supporting a partner, ensuring that the support does not cross over into an attempt to change the person fundamentally.
🚶‍♂️ It's advised to walk away from a relationship if the other party is resistant to change and continues to engage in behaviors that are deal-breakers.
❌ The key takeaway is that one cannot fix anyone; instead, the focus should be on supporting and guiding each other towards a healthier relationship.
⏰ Recognize the thin line between support and fixing, and understand that enabling bad behaviors can also have a toll on oneself.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the 'Real Talk with Daada' podcast?
-The main theme of the 'Real Talk with Daada' podcast is discussing various aspects of relationships, particularly focusing on marriage and navigating through its challenges.
Why is it important to distinguish between 'supporting' and 'fixing' a partner in a relationship?
-It's important to distinguish between 'supporting' and 'fixing' a partner because supporting involves healthy encouragement and emotional backing without imposing change, while fixing implies an unrealistic expectation to alter the partner's personality or habits, which can lead to resistance, disappointment, and emotional strain.
What are the potential negative outcomes for someone who tries to 'fix' their partner?
-Potential negative outcomes for someone who tries to 'fix' their partner include resistance from the partner, feelings of being unappreciated, burnout for the 'fixer', emotional strain, and a decrease in the partner's self-esteem and identity.
How can a person support their partner in a healthy way according to the podcast?
-A person can support their partner in a healthy way by providing emotional support, helping with goals, and not imposing changes. It's about being there for the partner without attempting to alter their core personality or habits.
What is the role of acceptance in a relationship where one partner feels the need to 'fix' the other?
-Acceptance plays a crucial role as it allows the partner who is being 'fixed' to understand that the other is not trying to change them but is instead offering support to help them grow and improve.
Why is setting healthy boundaries important when one partner wants to 'fix' the other?
-Setting healthy boundaries is important because it clarifies the intentions of the supporting partner, ensuring that they are not trying to change the other person's lifestyle or ways, but are instead aiming to foster a better version of themselves together.
What should a person do if they encounter resistance while trying to 'fix' their partner?
-If a person encounters resistance while trying to 'fix' their partner, they should consider walking away because the relationship is becoming unhealthy and the issues they are trying to address might be deal breakers.
How does the podcast suggest dealing with deep-seated issues in a partner that they are not ready to change?
-The podcast suggests that if a partner has deep-seated issues they are not ready to change, it's important to recognize one's limits as a supporter and not take on the role of a 'fixer'. It's crucial to understand that some issues are beyond one's capacity to address.
What is the key takeaway from the podcast regarding trying to 'fix' someone in a relationship?
-The key takeaway is that one cannot fix anyone, and it's important to recognize the difference between support and fixing. If resistance is met, especially on deal-breaking issues, it might be necessary to walk away for one's own well-being.
How can a person ensure they are not enabling bad behaviors while supporting their partner?
-A person can ensure they are not enabling bad behaviors by setting clear boundaries, focusing on supporting positive changes, and not tolerating behaviors that are harmful or toxic to the relationship.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Pitfalls of Trying to 'Fix' a Partner

In this segment, AD DuLa, Emmanuel discusses the common yet problematic tendency in relationships where one partner feels the need to 'fix' the other. He emphasizes that while it's natural to want to support and help one's partner, the act of trying to change them fundamentally is both unhealthy and unrealistic. Emmanuel points out that this behavior can lead to resistance, disappointment, and emotional strain for both parties. He distinguishes between 'supporting', which is a healthy way to contribute to a partner's growth, and 'fixing', which is an attempt to alter their personality or habits. The key takeaway is the importance of acceptance and setting healthy boundaries in relationships. Emmanuel advises that if a person is not willing to be supported or is resistant to change, it's crucial to walk away for the sake of one's own emotional well-being.

05:00

🚫 Setting Boundaries and Walking Away When Necessary

The second paragraph continues the discussion on the dangers of trying to 'fix' a partner, stressing that one cannot fix someone who does not want to be supported. It highlights the importance of recognizing when certain behaviors are deal-breakers and the need to set personal boundaries. Emmanuel advises that if a person consistently exhibits harmful behaviors, such as lying or disrespecting their partner in public, and shows no willingness to change, it's time to consider walking away from the relationship. He encourages listeners to reflect on their own relationships and to distinguish between supporting a partner and enabling harmful behaviors. The main message is that one should not take on the role of a 'fixer', but rather focus on fostering a healthy, supportive relationship where both parties are willing to grow and change together.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Fixing

In the context of the video, 'fixing' refers to the act of one partner attempting to change the other's personality, habits, or values. It is presented as an unhealthy approach in a relationship because it implies an unrealistic expectation and can lead to emotional strain and resentment. For instance, the speaker mentions that trying to 'fix' someone often results in the person feeling unappreciated and resistant to change.

💡Supporting

'Supporting' is contrasted with 'fixing' in the video, suggesting a healthier dynamic in relationships. It involves providing emotional and practical assistance without the intent to change the other person fundamentally. The speaker illustrates this by discussing how supporting a partner's goals or providing emotional support is beneficial, unlike trying to 'fix' them.

💡Resistance

The term 'resistance' is used to describe the natural reaction of a person when they feel someone is trying to change or 'fix' them. The speaker points out that resistance is a common outcome when one partner tries to impose changes on the other, leading to relationship tension and emotional distress.

💡Burnout

'Burnout' is mentioned to describe the emotional and psychological exhaustion that can occur when someone continuously tries to 'fix' their partner. The speaker warns that the constant effort to change another person can lead to disappointment and a sense of being overwhelmed.

💡Boundaries

The concept of 'boundaries' is emphasized as crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. The speaker advises setting healthy boundaries by communicating clearly that one is not trying to change the other person but rather support them. This is exemplified when discussing how to approach a partner who may be resistant to change.

💡Acceptance

'Acceptance' is highlighted as a key principle in relationships, where partners should accept each other as they are rather than trying to 'fix' each other. The speaker suggests that true support comes from accepting a partner's desire for self-improvement without imposing one's own ideas of change.

💡Self-esteem

The video discusses how attempts to 'fix' a partner can negatively impact their 'self-esteem', making them feel inadequate or unloved unless they conform to certain expectations. This is tied to the broader message of the video about the importance of acceptance and support over fixing.

💡Identity

The speaker touches on 'identity' as a core aspect of a person that should not be altered by a partner's attempts to 'fix' them. It is suggested that trying to change someone's identity can lead to a loss of self and can be damaging to the individual's sense of self-worth.

💡Deal Breaker

'Deal Breaker' is used to describe a situation or behavior that one cannot tolerate in a relationship. The speaker advises that if a partner's behavior is a 'deal breaker' and they are not willing to change, it may be necessary to walk away from the relationship.

💡Emotional Strain

The video addresses 'emotional strain' as a consequence of trying to 'fix' a partner. It is described as the emotional toll that can result from the stress and disappointment of not being able to change someone, which can ultimately harm the relationship.

💡Resentment

'Resentment' is mentioned as a potential outcome when one partner feels they are being 'fixed'. The speaker explains that this can occur when a person feels they are not good enough as they are, leading to negative feelings towards the partner who is trying to change them.

Highlights

The podcast 'Real Talk with Daada' focuses on relationship topics, including navigating marriage.

The show emphasizes the importance of truth in relationships and is not for those who shy away from it.

Today's topic discusses the desire to 'fix' a partner, which can lead to resistance and disappointment.

Supporting a partner is healthy, while trying to change them is not; this is referred to as 'fixing'.

Attempting to fix someone can lead to emotional strain and burnout for the person trying to make the changes.

The person being 'fixed' may resist and feel unappreciated, affecting their self-esteem and identity.

Resentment can build in a relationship when one partner feels they are not good enough as they are.

It's crucial to understand the difference between supporting and fixing a partner.

Setting healthy boundaries involves communicating that you are not trying to change your partner's lifestyle.

If a partner is resistant to change, it may be necessary to walk away for the health of the relationship.

Some individuals have deep-seated issues that they are not ready to change, and it's not the role of a partner to 'fix' them.

The key takeaway is that you cannot fix anyone; you can only support them if they are willing to be supported.

Meeting resistance is a sign that the relationship may be unhealthy, and it might be time to walk away.

It's important to have personal boundaries and to know your deal breakers in a relationship.

Supporting a partner should be about encouraging good things and not enabling bad ones.

The podcast encourages listeners to consider the thin line between support and fixing in their relationships.

Guiding a partner towards a healthier relationship is more effective than trying to change them.

The host invites listeners to ask questions and engage in conversation about the topic.