Dating after 50: challenges and opportunities

Summary

Dr. Orion Taban discusses the complexities of dating after 50, emphasizing that individuals often carry emotional 'baggage' from past relationships. He suggests that while this can be a drawback, it can also lead to wisdom and compassion. Taban highlights the shift in values and priorities as people age, noting that needs and desires in relationships change. He advocates for the possibility of forming deep emotional connections without the pressures of societal expectations, financial dependencies, or family obligations. The talk encourages self-awareness and effective communication as keys to successful dating in later life.

Takeaways

• 🌟 Dr. Orion Taban discusses the unique challenges and considerations of dating after 50, drawing from his consultations with individuals in this demographic.
• 🏵️ Most people dating after 50 will have experienced significant emotional 'wounds', which can both complicate and enrich dating experiences.
• 📈 The value exchange in relationships remains important, but what individuals value can shift as they age, affecting what they seek in a partner.
• 💼 Dr. Taban suggests that by 50, people may place less emphasis on traditional needs like financial security or childcare in a partner, as they might be more self-sufficient.
• 💔 The societal pressure to appear 'wounded' can lead to individuals exaggerating their emotional scars to avoid judgment, which can impact dating dynamics.
• 🧳 The concept of 'baggage' from past relationships can be both a hindrance and a source of wisdom and compassion, depending on how individuals have processed their past experiences.
• 💡 Dr. Taban emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and emotional intelligence in forming meaningful connections, which can improve with age.
• 📚 He recommends his book 'The Value of Others' for a deeper understanding of relationship dynamics and actionable advice on navigating the dating scene.
• 🔗 The absence of need in relationships after 50 can lead to more authentic connections based on mutual enjoyment and shared experiences, rather than necessity.
• 🔍 While emotional connections are possible with many people, discerning who can form such a bond may be challenging and requires time and patience.

Q & A

What is the main topic discussed by Dr. Orion Taban in the transcript?

The main topic discussed is dating after the age of 50, focusing on the challenges and dynamics of relationships at this stage of life.

Why is Dr. Orion Taban cautious about discussing dating after 50?

Dr. Orion Taban is cautious because he is not yet in his 50s and has not personally experienced dating at that age, so he advises taking his insights with a grain of salt.

What does Dr. Taban refer to as a 'purple heart' in the context of dating after 50?

A 'purple heart' refers to the emotional wounds or past relationship traumas that most people over 50 are likely to have, as they are often the reason someone might be single at that age.

How does Dr. Taban suggest that past experiences can affect people's ability to form new relationships?

Past experiences can lead to emotional baggage that may make it difficult for some people to form new, satisfying relationships due to being jaded, suspicious, cynical, or defensive.

What is the significance of the phrase 'wounded in battle' used in the transcript?

The phrase 'wounded in battle' is used metaphorically to describe individuals who have experienced emotional or relationship trauma, which is seen as a commonality among those who are single after 50.

What does Dr. Taban suggest about the value exchange in relationships as people age?

Dr. Taban suggests that while the value exchange in relationships remains important, the specific values and needs that people seek in a partner can shift over time.

How does Dr. Taban view the concept of 'need' in relationships for people over 50?

Dr. Taban views 'need' in relationships as less critical for people over 50 because they are more likely to be financially independent and may not require the same level of support as younger individuals.

What does Dr. Taban believe is the potential advantage of dating later in life?

Dr. Taban believes that dating later in life allows for relationships that are not based on need but rather on genuine enjoyment of each other's company, which can lead to more authentic connections.

According to Dr. Taban, what is the role of emotional intelligence and communication in building deep emotional connections?

Dr. Taban emphasizes that emotional intelligence, effective communication, withholding judgment, and empathic understanding are crucial in building deep emotional connections with others.

What advice does Dr. Taban give regarding the development of personal attributes for those in their 50s?

Dr. Taban advises that individuals in their 50s should focus on developing attributes such as kindness, patience, tolerance, and emotional intelligence, as these traits can enhance their ability to form meaningful relationships.

How does Dr. Taban describe the process of finding a deep emotional connection in the context of dating after 50?

Dr. Taban describes finding a deep emotional connection as a challenging process that requires time and multiple interactions, and he suggests that providing other forms of value may be necessary to sustain a relationship while such a connection is being established.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Dating After 50: The Psychological Landscape

Dr. Orion Taban begins by addressing the topic of dating after the age of 50, a subject he's been frequently asked about. He acknowledges his relative youth but shares insights based on consultations with individuals in their 50s. He highlights the metaphor of 'wounded hearts', suggesting that most people in this age group have experienced significant emotional trauma, which is often a prerequisite for being single. This 'wounding' can lead to exaggerated claims of emotional damage to avoid social judgment. Dr. Taban discusses how carrying emotional baggage can hinder new relationships, but it can also provide wisdom and compassion if one has healed from past wounds. He contrasts this with the naivete of younger individuals who haven't experienced such hardships, emphasizing the value of life experience in understanding relationships.

05:02

🔄 The Shifting Value Exchange in Relationships

In the second paragraph, Dr. Taban delves into the concept of value exchange in relationships, noting that while the principle remains constant, the specific values people seek change over time. He points out that at 50, individuals might place less importance on traditional assets like youth and beauty, and more on emotional depth and compatibility. The idea that people might not need as much from a relationship at this stage is both a challenge and an opportunity. It can be difficult to form relationships when there's little perceived need for the other person, but it also allows for more authentic connections based on enjoyment and shared experiences rather than necessity. Dr. Taban suggests that by this age, individuals should have a better understanding of what they truly want in a partner and how to select a mate who aligns with their values and life stage.

10:02

💌 The Promise and Challenge of Emotional Connection

The final paragraph focuses on the desire for deep emotional connections in relationships after 50. Dr. Taban notes that while it's possible to form such connections, discerning who can provide them is not straightforward. He emphasizes the importance of effective communication, emotional intelligence, and patience in building these connections. The 'good news' is that with age often comes increased self-awareness and emotional maturity, which can facilitate deeper relationships. However, the 'bad news' is that it can be challenging to identify potential partners who can offer the level of emotional resonance sought. Dr. Taban encourages his audience to consider the value they bring to a relationship while seeking this connection, as it may be necessary to provide other forms of value until the desired emotional bond is established.

Keywords

💡Dating after 50

Dating after 50 refers to the experience of forming romantic relationships in the later stages of life. In the video, Dr. Orion Taban discusses the unique challenges and perspectives that come with dating at this age, such as dealing with past emotional wounds and the shift in what individuals value in a partner. The concept is central to the video's theme, as it sets the context for the advice and insights shared.

💡Purple Heart

In the context of the video, 'Purple Heart' is a metaphor used to describe the emotional wounds or 'battle scars' that individuals carry into the dating scene after 50. Dr. Taban suggests that most people in this demographic have experienced significant emotional challenges, like divorce or the death of a spouse, which have left lasting impacts on their approach to relationships.

💡Value Exchange

Value exchange in relationships refers to the mutual benefits or needs that two people bring to a partnership. Dr. Taban explains that while the concept of value exchange remains constant, the specific values people seek in a partner may change as they age. For instance, younger individuals might prioritize physical attractiveness, while those over 50 might place more value on emotional connection and shared life experiences.

💡Wounded

The term 'wounded' is used to describe individuals who have experienced emotional trauma or hardship, such as failed relationships or the loss of a loved one. Dr. Taban points out that these wounds can either hinder one's ability to form new relationships or, conversely, provide wisdom and depth that can enrich a new partnership.

💡Sexual Marketplace

The 'sexual marketplace' is a concept that refers to the social environment where individuals seek out and evaluate potential romantic partners. In the video, Dr. Taban uses this term to discuss how the dynamics of dating and the perceived value of different traits change as people age, affecting how they navigate the dating scene after 50.

💡Emotional Connection

Emotional connection is the deep, mutual understanding and empathy that forms between two people in a relationship. Dr. Taban emphasizes the importance of this connection for individuals dating after 50, as it becomes a primary motivator for seeking relationships at this stage of life, rather than material or practical considerations.

💡Self-Awareness

Self-awareness refers to an individual's understanding of their own emotions, motivations, and behaviors. In the context of the video, Dr. Taban suggests that individuals dating after 50 should have a heightened level of self-awareness, which can lead to more accurate partner selection and healthier relationships.

💡Baggage

Baggage in the context of dating refers to the unresolved emotional issues or past experiences that individuals carry with them into new relationships. Dr. Taban discusses how 'baggage' can be both a hindrance and a potential source of wisdom, depending on how individuals have processed and learned from their past.

💡Wisdom and Compassion

Wisdom and compassion are qualities that can emerge from overcoming personal challenges and emotional pain. Dr. Taban suggests that individuals who have weathered such experiences may bring a depth of understanding and empathy to their relationships, which can be a positive aspect of dating after 50.

💡Need

In the video, 'need' is discussed in the context of what individuals seek from a relationship. Dr. Taban points out that as people age, their needs may shift, and they may enter relationships less out of necessity and more out of a desire for companionship and emotional fulfillment.

💡The Value of Others

This refers to Dr. Taban's book, which is mentioned as a resource for deeper understanding of the economic model of relationships and practical advice on navigating the dating scene. The book is presented as a tool for those seeking to improve their relationships and better understand the dynamics at play in the 'sexual marketplace'.

Highlights

Dr. Orion Taban discusses the unique challenges and perspectives of dating after 50.

Individuals over 50 often come with 'purple hearts,' or emotional wounds from past relationships.

Society often only accepts being unmarried if one has been 'wounded' in some way.

The pressure to appear wounded can lead to exaggeration of past relationship traumas.

Wounds can be both a con, causing emotional baggage, and a pro, offering wisdom and compassion.

Dr. Taban suggests that those who have healed from past pain can be better partners.

The value exchange in relationships remains, but what is valued shifts over time.

At 50, people might prioritize different qualities in a partner than they did at 20.

Men's and women's desires may evolve, leading to different perceived values in potential partners.

By 50, individuals might not need as much from a relationship, which can be both freeing and challenging.

Dr. Taban's book, 'The Value of Others,' delves into the economic model of relationships.

The absence of need can lead to simpler, more enjoyable relationships in later life.

Having a deep emotional connection is possible but can be difficult to discern initially.

Developing emotional intelligence and effective communication skills can aid in forming connections.

Real connections are built over time through mutual effort and interest.

Dr. Taban encourages feedback and sharing of the episode with others who might benefit.

Transcripts

I'm Dr Orion taban and this is psyx

Better Living Through psychology and the

topic of today's short talk is dating

after 50 so this is a subject that has

been requested of me very frequently of

late and I've been cautious about

creating an episode on the topic because

I'm not yet in my 50s I haven't yet

personally experienced what it might be

like so take what I say with a grain of

salt that said I've consulted with many

many folks men and women in this

demographic and I think I have a few

points on the subject worth listening to

so let's get to it first and foremost

you have to understand that after 50

pretty much everyone that you might be

dating is going to have a purple heart

that is to say pretty much everyone will

have been wounded in battle and that's

because being wounded is the only

legitimate reason our culture accepts

for being being unmarried like if you're

unmarried at 50 and you've never been

married people will look at you like you

fell from outer space on the other hand

if you're unmarried at 50 because your

ex-wife cheated on you took your house

and alienated your children or because

you watched your husband die of

pancreatic cancer over three agonizing

and soulc crushing years guess what no

one is going to ship you back to the

front now whether if the only socially

acceptable way to be unmarried is to be

wounded this would lead to people

exaggerating their wounds in order to

escape the pressure and Judgment of

their friends and family is for you to

decide however we can certainly maintain

that people are incentivized to do just

that in any case past a certain point

everyone in the sexual Marketplace is

going to be wounded they're going to

have some scars they're going to have

some baggage and this can actually be a

pro and a con it's a con because as we

all know some folks can't let go of

their baggage not all wounds heal not

all wounds are allowed to heal and these

folks are going to be so jaded or

suspicious or cynical or doctrinated or

defensive that it will be next to

impossible to have a satisfying

relationship with them on the other hand

if people go through something and they

recover from their loss and pain they

might actually have some measure of

wisdom and compassion like some soldiers

are so traumatized by conflict that they

are no longer reliable communicators

however who would you rather learn about

War from the decorated combat veteran or

the West Point graduate who's never been

in a fight and this is why I think we

should all be cautious about listening

to the musings of overconfident

22-year-olds with respect to what makes

relationships

work as I've said previously pain is the

gift that nobody wants but it is a gift

provided you can learn from it and move

forward and those who have done so are

often much better human beings for

having suffered than those whose Good

Fortune have protected them from such

experiences now the second thing to

understand about dating after 50 is that

the underlying value exchange is just as

applicable now as it always has been

people still enter into relationships

when they exchange unequal Goods of

comparable value however what people

tend to Value tends to shift over the

course of a lifespan and this is

reasonable on some level marrying

someone at 20 because you think they'll

take care of you on your deathbed is

kind of stupid like you might not ever

get there that could be 70 years in the

future and it doesn't really make sense

to prioritize a skill set in selection

that if you ever do use it won't be

needed for the better part of a

century as I discussed in the book value

is

psychological the same assets or traits

or attributes might be highly valued at

certain stages of life and functionally

irrelevant at others now men never

really stop Desiring young beautiful

women however by the time they're 50

they might also consider such women to

be inan fickle and boring which will

significantly reduce the perceived value

of a potential relationship with that

demographic by the same token women

never really stop wanting an emotionally

compelling lifestyle and a comfortable

way of life however by the time they're

50 they might be able to provide this

for themselves they've either cashed out

from a previous marriage or they're at

the peak of their

careers in fact by the time you get to

this stage of the game there might

actually be very little that you need or

want from a

relationship and this can be challenging

because need is actually the pretext for

relating like it is very difficult if

not impossible to enter into a

relationship with someone who needs or

wants nothing from you and sometimes

people need to cultivate need in order

order to generate the conditions of a

relationship in the same way that

sometimes the government needs to create

jobs to reduce

unemployment if you appreciate the

insights on this channel I would highly

encourage you to get your hands on a

copy of my book the value of others over

the course of 432 pages I delve deep

into my economic model of relationships

and explain the behavior of both men and

women in the game of mating and dating I

also provide a lot of actionable advice

on how to get and keep more of what you

want in the sexual Marketplace once you

read the value of others you'll never

look at relationships the same way again

now available in ebook audiobook and

paperback formats the links are in the

description however this absence of need

is also the beautiful promise of dating

at this stage of life since the

individuals involved don't really need

anything from each other they can just

be two consenting adults who enjoy

spending time together like it doesn't

have to be more complicated than that

and how amazing does that sound you

don't have to worry about legal

contracts or children or money or

lifestyle or all the Myriad of things

that younger people enter into

relationships to get you don't have

illusions that relationships need to

last forever ever in order to be

successful and you may have actually

learned a thing or two about how

relationships actually work as opposed

to how they're supposed to work also you

should have very good self-awareness and

insight into what works for you and what

doesn't work for you at this stage of

Life which makes selection much much

more accurate you don't need the other

person for stuff because most likely the

two of you have plenty of stuff already

which means that you can have a

relationship with someone just out of

the simple fact that you like them wow

that sounds amazing when I talk with

people in this demographic especially

the women they all tell me that what

they're looking for is a real connection

they don't need the money or the kids or

the ring they just want someone with

whom they can have a deep emotional

connection and with respect to this

desire I have both good news and bad

news

the good news is that it's actually

possible to have a real emotional

connection with the vast majority of

human beings and the more effective you

are as a communicator the more

intelligent you are emotionally and the

more you're able to withhold judgment

and empathically enter into another

person's experience the easier it will

be for you to have that connection being

kind and patient and tolerant doesn't

hurt either and the good news is that by

the time you're in your 50s you should

be more of those things and if you're

not like what the are you waiting

for you're definitely not getting any

younger so when are you planning to

develop these attributes so a deep

emotional connection doesn't actually

require that much however the bad news

is that it's really hard to discern with

whom you are more likely to have that

connection like it is far easier to tell

who is Rich and who is attractive than

who is capable of resonating with you

emotionally even when a person has all

the attributes I listed in Spades you

typically need a certain amount of time

and a certain number of interactions to

really figure that out this makes

looking for a connection seem like

searching for an invisible needle in a

hyack and you can defend against the

hopelessness and frustration that might

seep in at this point by remembering

that real connections aren't generally

found they're built and they're

typically built bu by people interested

in building them however you may need to

provide other value in the meantime to

maintain the relationship until such

time as that connection can be

established otherwise the other person

might not stick around long enough for

you to do so that's what I got for you

today what do you think does this fit

with your own experience let me know in

the comments below and please send this

episode to someone who you think might

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Mouth referrals like this that really

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as always I appreciate your support and

thank you for listening