The Paradox of Being Nice

Summary

In a poignant hospice scene, a man reflects on a life spent seeking others' approval, admitting to his wife that he's never truly been himself. Despite his efforts to be liked and admired, he realizes he's been living a facade, altering his essence to meet others' expectations. As his life nears its end, he yearns to be authentic, prompting his wife to encourage him to reveal his true self while time remains.

Takeaways

• 😔 The protagonist feels like they have never been their true self around others, including their spouse.
• 😖 The spouse is confused and frustrated by the protagonist's confession, questioning the basis of their marriage.
• 🏥 The protagonist's health is deteriorating, with a stay in a hospice center and a grim prognosis, which has led to a shift in their perspective on life.
• 💔 The protagonist admits to having lived inauthentically, altering their behavior to meet others' expectations and to be liked.
• 🤔 The protagonist reflects on their life, realizing they have been more concerned with external validation than with their own identity.
• 😢 The spouse tries to comfort the protagonist, suggesting that caring for others is a sign of goodness.
• 🤯 The protagonist counters that their actions were not selfless but stemmed from a paradoxical mix of narcissism and self-neglect.
• 🏙️ The protagonist observes the world outside, seeing people caught up in lives that may not be their own, reflecting on the broader human condition.
• 😭 There is a poignant moment of shared vulnerability as both the protagonist and the spouse tear up, acknowledging the gravity of the situation.
• 🕊️ The spouse encourages the protagonist to express their true self now, recognizing that there is still time to connect authentically.

Q & A

What is the main conflict in the conversation between the characters?

The main conflict is the protagonist's realization that he has not been true to himself and has lived his life trying to meet others' expectations, leading to a sense of inauthenticity and regret.

How does the protagonist describe his feelings towards his wife, Kate?

The protagonist feels that he has not been his whole self with Kate, but he also clarifies that it's not her fault and that he has felt this way with everyone in his life.

What is the significance of the hospice bed in the script?

The hospice bed symbolizes the protagonist's terminal illness and the impending end of his life, which has led to a moment of clarity and self-reflection.

Why does the protagonist feel like he has been living 'extra days'?

The protagonist feels like he has been living 'extra days' because he has surpassed his doctor's prognosis of one year after his diagnosis, leading him to feel like he is living on borrowed time.

How does the protagonist's terminal illness affect his perspective on life?

The protagonist's terminal illness has caused him to reevaluate his life, leading to a realization that he has been living inauthentically and a desire to be more genuine in his remaining time.

What does the protagonist mean when he says he has been a 'ghost who only haunted himself'?

The protagonist feels disconnected from his true self and life, viewing himself as a 'ghost' because he has not been living as the person he truly is, but rather as a version of himself shaped by others' expectations.

Why does the protagonist feel that he has not been seen by anyone?

The protagonist believes he has not been seen because he has been so focused on being liked and meeting others' expectations that he has lost touch with his authentic self.

What does Kate suggest as a solution to the protagonist's regret?

Kate encourages the protagonist to be himself and to use the time he has left to truly express who he is, suggesting that it's not too late to be seen for who he really is.

How does the protagonist's attitude towards his life change as he faces death?

Facing death, the protagonist's attitude shifts from caring about others' opinions to a desire for authenticity and self-acceptance, realizing the importance of living true to himself.

What is the protagonist's view on his past actions and how he has treated others?

The protagonist regrets changing himself to please others and feels that in doing so, he has not been a 'good person' but rather someone who has lost touch with his true self.

What is the emotional state of the characters as the conversation progresses?

The emotional state of the characters evolves from frustration and confusion to understanding and sadness, with both characters expressing vulnerability and a desire for connection.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Struggle for Authenticity

In this intense and emotional dialogue, the protagonist, lying in a hospice bed, confesses to his wife that he has never truly been himself around her or anyone else. His life, driven by the need for approval and the fear of being disliked, led him to constantly alter his behavior to meet others' expectations. Despite the love and admiration he received, he feels he has lived inauthentically, never experiencing his true self. His wife, initially confused and hurt, begins to understand that his confession is not a personal attack but a reflection of his lifelong struggle with identity and self-worth. The conversation reveals a deep sense of regret and a yearning for authenticity that has only become clear in the face of his own mortality.

05:05

🌟 A Call for Authenticity

Following the protagonist's poignant confession, his wife, after a moment of reflection, challenges him to be authentic and show her his true self. She recognizes the significance of the moment and encourages him to use the time he has left to express his genuine self. This exchange signifies a turning point, where the protagonist is given an opportunity to shed the facades he has worn for so long and to connect with his wife on a deeper, more honest level. Her defiance and determination to see the real him underscore the importance of living a life true to oneself, even in the face of impending death.

Keywords

💡Authenticity

Authenticity refers to the state of being true to one's own personality, spirit, or character. In the script, the main character expresses a lifelong struggle with authenticity, feeling he has never truly been himself around others, including his wife. This concept is central to the narrative as it drives the character's introspection and the emotional tension within his relationships, particularly highlighted when he says, 'I’ve never felt like myself with anyone.'

💡Self-perception

Self-perception is how an individual views and evaluates themselves. The script delves into the protagonist's self-perception, which has been heavily influenced by external validation. He admits to having changed himself to meet others' expectations, which has led to a distorted self-image. This is evident when he reflects, 'I cared so much about how I was experienced in the minds of everyone else that I never even really experienced me in my own.'

💡External validation

External validation is the need for approval or confirmation from others to feel good about oneself. The character's life has been dominated by this need, as he constantly sought to be liked and approved of by everyone around him. This is a recurring theme in the dialogue, especially when he talks about changing 'to appease my father, mother, friends, teachers, girlfriends, bosses, strangers... my wife.'

💡Mortality

Mortality is the state of being subject to death. The script's context of a hospice bed and the character's terminal illness bring mortality to the forefront, influencing his reflections on life and self. The character's awareness of his impending death prompts a profound realization about the way he has lived his life, as expressed in his words, 'I’m going to die without having really been seen by anyone at all.'

💡Self-abandonment

Self-abandonment refers to the act of neglecting or abandoning one's own needs and desires. The character describes his life as a paradox of narcissism and self-abandonment, where his desperate need for approval led him to change himself to the point of losing his own identity. This is illustrated when he says, 'It was like a strange paradox of narcissism and self-abandonment.'

💡Regret

Regret is a feeling of sadness or disappointment over something that has happened or been done, typically a loss or missed opportunity. The script's theme of regret is palpable as the character looks back on his life with a sense of missed chances to be true to himself. His regret is encapsulated in his realization that he has lived inauthentically, as he says, 'I did everything I could to ensure that everyone did, that everyone thought I was the greatest.'

💡Identity

Identity is the characteristics determining who or what a person or thing is. The script explores the concept of identity through the character's struggle to define and live out his true self. His identity has been shaped by external forces rather than his own desires, as he admits, 'I changed so much about myself to make sure that happened.'

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the state of being susceptible to harm or injury, often emotionally. In the script, the character's vulnerability is exposed as he confronts his deepest fears and regrets. His vulnerability is a key element in the emotional exchange with his wife, particularly when he says, 'Then talk to me now, let me see you. Be who you really are.'

💡Existential crisis

An existential crisis is a moment of questioning the meaning or purpose of life. The character experiences such a crisis as he confronts his own mortality and the life he has led. His crisis is highlighted by his feeling of being a 'ghost who only haunted himself,' reflecting on a life that feels as if it has already ended.

💡Self-actualization

Self-actualization is the realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potential. The script hints at the character's yearning for self-actualization, which has been stifled by his focus on external validation. His wife's plea, 'Let me see you. Be who you really are,' suggests a final opportunity for him to achieve self-actualization before his death.

Highlights

The protagonist expresses feeling like a version of themselves, not their whole self.

The wife's confusion and frustration are evident as she questions the protagonist's marriage to her.

The protagonist describes the emotional turmoil and physical decline due to their medical condition.

A sense of liberation is conveyed as the protagonist no longer cares about external perceptions.

The protagonist feels they have been living on borrowed time, seeing themselves as a ghost.

The realization of having lived to please others rather than themselves is a central theme.

The wife's softening demeanor indicates a shift in understanding the protagonist's struggle.

The protagonist admits to a life of constant change to meet others' expectations.

The wife tries to console the protagonist by suggesting his actions reflect a good person.

The protagonist reflects on a paradoxical life of narcissism and self-abandonment.

The wife's empathy is shown as she acknowledges the protagonist's efforts despite his self-doubt.

The protagonist laments not being truly seen or understood by anyone.

The wife encourages the protagonist to reveal his true self, emphasizing that there is still time.

The dialogue captures the raw emotion and vulnerability between the couple.

The protagonist's introspection highlights the struggle with identity and the fear of dying unrecognized.

The wife's support and defiance in the face of the protagonist's despair add depth to her character.

The conversation serves as a poignant exploration of the human condition and the quest for authenticity.

Transcripts

“You’ve never felt like you could be yourself  around me?” she said with a confused and mildly  

frustrated tone. Her face was both clenched  with irritation and drooping with sorrow. Her  

brow pulled in while her mouth and cheeks fell  out and down as she looked over at me lying  

stiffly in the hospice bed. She looked like she  was about to cry, but she hadn’t given in yet. 

“I’ve felt like a version,” I answered. “What does that mean? A version?”  

Her tone was even tenser now. “Just not my whole self, I guess. Not who  

I really am, whatever that means at this point.” “Then why the hell did you marry me?!” she said. 

Between the stir-craziness of the last nearly  two years, the medications, having been in the  

hospice center for the last three weeks, and  of course, the looming finality of everything,  

I had, for the first time in as long as I  could remember, perhaps in my entire life,  

suddenly felt the walls come down. I couldn’t hold  them anymore. More so, I just didn’t care to. It’s  

not that I lost care altogether—I still cared a  lot. It’s just that I stopped caring about the  

things that didn’t matter—at least not to me, not  anymore. I didn’t care about being perceived in a  

certain way. I didn’t care being consistent.  I didn’t care about how well I played along,  

what other people expected and wanted of me. My doctor had said that my chances of making  

it past one year year after my diagnosis were  very low given the state of my condition. Now,  

over a year and a half later, I felt like I was  basically living free, extra days. In a way,  

my life felt like it had ended on that one-year  mark. I felt like I was a ghost who only haunted  

himself. I saw myself almost as a carcass,  of life, of regrets, yet still filled with  

the spirit of who I really was, who I had always  wanted to be. I felt separate from everything, yet  

still present. It was one of those strange states  that’s impossible to translate to anyone who’s  

never been in it—never outlived their own death. I looked at Kate. “I’ve never felt like myself  

with anyone,” I told her. “I didn’t  mean you, specifically. You didn’t do  

anything. No one did. It was my fault.” “What do you mean, John?” she said,  

her tone loosening and opening up a bit. “I blew it. I did so much wrong.” 

Kate leaned in closer toward me, shifting her hand  a bit inside mine. I looked up at the ceiling. 

“What are you talking about? Everyone loves you,  John. Everyone I’ve ever known that knows you,  

that’s spent time with you, loved you. Loves you.” I looked back over at her. Her face was softer  

now, stretching vertically rather  than scrunching horizontally.  

She realized this wasn’t about her or us. “My whole life, I was so worried about whether  

or not people liked me. Loved me. I did everything  I could to ensure that everyone did, that everyone  

thought I was the greatest. ‘Oh, John is so  great! He’s this and he’s that.’ I changed so  

much about myself to make sure that happened. In  moments, in phases, in years. I always went this  

way instead of that way to ensure that I did what  people wanted, that people approved of and liked  

me. I cared so much about how I was experienced  in the minds of everyone else that I never even  

really experienced me in my own.” There was a long pause. 

“John, that just makes you a good person. You put  others first. It’s in your nature. It’s a good  

thing.” Her voice was shaky. “Is it? Did I?” 

There was another pause. My head was hurting. I felt weak,  

and tired, and slightly numb. I felt a  strange lucidity amidst the disorientation,  

though. Kate just sat there waiting. “I cared about how people saw me,” I  

continued. “I cared about how they experienced  me. It was all always about me. Not anybody else.” 

“Well, who the hell else is it going to be about?”  Kate interrupted. “Of course everything you do  

from your perspective is going to involve you.” “No. I didn’t even really care about me either.  

That’s the worst part. It was like a strange  paradox of narcissism and self-abandonment. I  

was so desperate, so misguided, so self-focused  on being liked and seen a certain way,  

I changed and reduced who I was at every turn.  To appease my father, mother, friends, teachers,  

girlfriends, bosses, strangers ... my wife.  That’s not a good person. It’s not a bad  

person. It’s just not much of a person at all.” Kate’s eyes began to water. Then, so did mine. 

“Honey,” she said to me, “you  did what you could. You did  

what you knew how. That’s all anyone can do.” I paused for another moment. I looked out the  

room’s window at the cars and people rushing by  on the streets below. A city of people frantically  

completing to-do lists that weren’t their own. “I was so worried about being seen as a perfect  

person, someone who was successful, who  was happy, who was always fun to be around,  

who was smart and competent, who did the right  things in the right way, and now, I’m going to die  

without having really been seen by anyone at all.” I could hear Kate sniffing. I looked back over  

at her. She was pulling tears  back in. They looked heavy. 

“Okay,” she said defiantly while rubbing her  face. “Then talk to me now,” she continued.  

“Let me see you. Be who you really  are. There’s still time. Use it.”