"No, You're Not Slim Shady" - Tom Papa - Full Special
Summary
TLDRIn this Comedy Central special, Tom Papa delivers a humorous take on marriage, parenting, and growing up. He jokes about the challenges of being married, the pressure of having kids, and the awkwardness of being an uncle. Papa also reminisces about his childhood, dealing with bullies, and his experiences with sports and school. He touches on the absurdity of modern parenting, the trials of flying, and the peculiarities of staying in hotels. Throughout, he emphasizes the importance of love and maintaining a sense of humor in life's journey.
Takeaways
- 🎤 Tom Papa's comedy routine revolves around his experiences as a married man, his reluctance to have children, and his humorous views on life.
- 💔 Tom jokes about the challenges of marriage, including the secrets partners take with them when they leave, making breakups unsettling.
- 👨👩👧👦 He expresses his lack of desire for children, preferring the company of his nieces and nephews without the responsibility.
- 🏠 Tom's childhood anecdotes include being teased for his appearance and his family's unique approach to dealing with his weight.
- 🏃♂️ He humorously recounts his father's attempts to get him into sports, despite his lack of athletic ability and fear of embarrassment.
- 🎥 Tom reflects on aging and losing 'coolness,' using his love for MTV and his changing social life as examples.
- 🏨 He shares his discomfort with staying in hotels, imagining the previous occupants' activities and the potential for unsanitary conditions.
- 📸 Tom talks about the futility of taking pictures during vacations, as people often don't want to see them, and his father's quirky approach to photography.
- 💏 He emphasizes the importance of working on a relationship, including trying new things and not letting small issues lead to breakups.
- 🐱 Tom humorously compares his wife's love for cats to his preference for dogs, highlighting the differences in their personalities and behaviors.
- 🚀 Tom ends his routine with a joke about the mysterious nature of cats and a playful reference to their mating habits.
Q & A
What is the setting of Tom Papa's comedy special?
-The setting is New York City, as indicated by the announcer at the beginning of the transcript.
How does Tom Papa describe his relationship with his wife?
-Tom Papa describes his relationship with his wife as happy and loving, mentioning that he fell in love with her the minute he saw her.
What is Tom Papa's stance on having children?
-Tom Papa expresses uncertainty about having children, stating that while he loves his nieces and nephews, he is not a big fan of kids and would rather have lobsters chewing on his balls.
What was Tom Papa's experience with his father trying to get him into sports?
-Tom Papa's father put him in track and wrestling, which were not enjoyable experiences for him due to his weight and lack of athletic ability.
How does Tom Papa feel about aging and being 'cool'?
-Tom Papa acknowledges that he is no longer cool and that it's okay because he was cool in his younger days. He suggests that people should find something new to be as they age.
What is Tom Papa's opinion on modern parenting and kids' sports?
-He criticizes the modern approach to kids' sports where there are no outs and everyone gets to hit every inning, arguing that it doesn't teach kids about winning and losing.
How does Tom Papa describe his fear of flying?
-Tom Papa expresses his fear of flying through a series of humorous anecdotes, including a story about a flight with a mechanic who seemed unqualified and a child who loudly expressed fear during takeoff.
What is Tom Papa's take on hotels and cleanliness?
-He finds staying in hotels creepy due to the fact that many people have been in the rooms before him, and he jokes about the disgusting things people do in hotels that they wouldn't do at home.
How does Tom Papa feel about taking pictures during trips?
-He admits to taking a lot of pictures but acknowledges that nobody really wants to see them. He also humorously criticizes his father's attempts at taking funny photos.
What advice does Tom Papa give about maintaining a relationship?
-He advises not to break up over little things and to let the small issues slide, emphasizing the importance of love and working at it.
How does Tom Papa describe his wife's cats?
-He describes the cats as mysterious and secretive, contrasting them with dogs, which he prefers. Despite not liking cats, he accepts them because his wife loves them.
Outlines
🎤 Tom Papa's Stand-Up Comedy
Tom Papa opens his comedy set in New York City with a lively greeting and a joke about his marriage. He humorously discusses the pressure of being married, his previous failed marriage, and the secrets that partners take with them after a breakup. He also talks about the expectations of having children, his reluctance to have his own, and the chaos that comes with nieces and nephews. The comedy continues with stories from his childhood, including being teased at school and his father's attempts to get him into sports, which only led to more embarrassment.
🏃♂️ Childhood Sports and Growing Up
Tom shares his experiences of being put into track and wrestling as a child, highlighting the challenges of being overweight and self-conscious. He humorously recounts a wrestling match against a much older and heavier opponent, and his general lack of interest in sports. He also talks about his nephews' love for baseball and the changes in the game, as well as his own unfulfilled dream of becoming an astronaut, which his parents dismissed due to his physical appearance.
✈️ Flights, Fears, and Hotel Horrors
Tom discusses his fear of flying and the anxiety-inducing experiences he's had with budget airlines and their lack of professionalism. He humorously describes a flight where a mechanic with dreadlocks was called to fix the plane, and the discomfort of dealing with crying babies on flights. He also shares his aversion to staying in hotels, the unsanitary habits of hotel guests, and his upcoming anniversary trip with his wife, which he finds awkward due to the social interactions involved.
📸 Vacations, Photography, and Love
Tom talks about his love for warm places during winter and his habit of taking pictures during vacations, despite knowing that no one really wants to see them. He humorously addresses the awkwardness of having his photo taken and his father's wacky approach to photography. The segment transitions into a discussion about the importance of love and maintaining a relationship, including the challenges of keeping it fresh and the silliness of role-playing and talking during sex.
🐱 Pets, Love, and Compromise
Tom wraps up his set with a reflection on the love for pets, particularly his wife's cats, which he has grown to appreciate despite not being a cat person. He humorously compares cats to dogs and the different traits he associates with them. He ends with a joke about the mysterious nature of cats and a reminder to not let little things ruin a relationship, emphasizing the importance of love and compromise.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Comedy
💡Marriage
💡Parenting
💡Childhood
💡Friendship
💡Travel
💡Sexuality
💡Pets
💡Work
💡Age
💡Fear
Highlights
Tom Papa's comedy routine starts with a humorous acknowledgment of his married status.
He jokes about the pressure of being married, referencing a previous failed marriage.
Tom humorously discusses the challenges of keeping secrets after a breakup.
He contemplates the idea of having kids, expressing his mixed feelings about parenthood.
Tom shares his experiences of being teased at school, including his large head and weight.
He pokes fun at the modern approach to children's sports, where no one keeps score.
Tom recounts his father's attempts to get him into sports, leading to embarrassing moments.
He reflects on his loss of 'coolness' as he ages, using MTV as a metaphor.
Tom talks about the diminishing number of friends as one gets older.
He humorously addresses the stereotypes associated with living in a 'gay area'.
Tom shares a comical story about a terrifying flight experience.
He expresses his discomfort with staying in hotels due to the unknown activities of previous guests.
Tom discusses the awkwardness of taking and showing off vacation photos.
He jokes about the challenges of maintaining a romantic relationship, including the need for new 'tricks'.
Tom humorously addresses the topic of role-playing in relationships.
He shares his wife's love for cats, despite his personal preference for dogs.
Tom concludes his routine with a piece of advice on not breaking up over small issues.
Transcripts
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)
ANNOUNCER>> FROM NEW YORK CITY,
COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS:
TOM PAPA.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
TOM>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
GREAT!
YOU EXCITED FOR THE BIG SHOW?
YEAH.
I SEE YA LOOKING, LADIES,
BUT I'M SORRY, I'M MARRIED.
I KNOW, IT'S HARD FOR ME, TOO.
HAVING TO PARADE THIS MAN CANDY
AROUND IN FRONT OF ALL OF YOU.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
KNOWING I CAN'T GIVE YOU A LICK.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
BUT WE COULD STILL BE FRIENDS.
LOVE MY GIRL.
DO.
HAPPILY MARRIED.
FELL IN LOVE WITH HER THE MINUTE
I SAW HER PLACE.
(LAUGHTER)
A LOT OF PRESSURE THOUGH.
I WAS MARRIED ONCE BEFORE.
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I WAS YOUNG AND STUPID.
IT WAS AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE.
PUT TOGETHER BY DRUGS AND
ALCOHOL.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
NEVER WORKS OUT.
I LIKE IT, THOUGH.
IT'S GOOD BEING MARRIED.
YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE A LONG TIME,
IT'S NICE.
YOU BREAK UP, IT'S HORRIBLE.
IT'S HURTFUL.
NOT BECAUSE OF THE EMOTIONS.
YOU CAN GET OVER THAT.
IT'S ALL THE SECRETS THEY TAKE
WITH THEM WHEN THEY GO.
VERY UNSETTLING AFTER A
BREAK UP, KNOWING THERE'S
SOMEBODY CIRCULATING FREELY
OUT THERE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE
THAT YOU LIKE TO BE SPANKED
WITH A NAKED G.I. JOE.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
YEAH.
BUT I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT'S NEXT?
KIDS?
EVERYONE WANTS US TO BREED.
I DON'T KNOW-- NOT A BIG FAN
OF THE KIDS, FRANKLY.
YEAH.
I'VE GOT TONS OF NIECES
AND NEPHEWS.
I LOVE THEM, I DO.
SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT
HAVING MY OWN.
YOU KNOW, I BABYSIT THEM A LOT,
YOU KNOW?
AT THE END OF THE DAY,
I THINK I'D RATHER HAVE LOBSTERS
CHEWING ON MY BALLS.
(LAUGHTER)
THEY DON'T LISTEN.
THEY COME TO MY HOUSE.
THEY BREAK STUFF.
I KNOW, IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN
THEY'RE YOURS.
YEAH.
'CAUSE THEN YOU CAN HIT THEM.
(LAUGHTER)
AS AN UNCLE, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
JUST TRIP THEM AS THEY GO BY.
WELL, THAT'S KARMA, BILLY,
YOU DO BAD THINGS, BAD THINGS
HAPPEN TO YOU.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
YOU CAN'T TEASE THEM ANYMORE
NOW.
YOU CALL THEM A NERD,
THEY WANT TO GET ALL CRAZY.
COME ON, ISN'T THAT WHY YOU
GO TO SCHOOL?
RIGHT?
TO LEARN THAT PEOPLE ARE MEAN
AND NASTY, AND ARE GONNA MOCK
YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT WHEN YOU'RE
FOUR.
YOU'RE HOME, EVERYONE LOVES YOU.
MOM LOVES YOU.
DAD LOVES YOU.
THE CAT LOVES YOU.
THEN YOU GET TO SCHOOL--
THE KIDS COME RUNNING IN...
WHY DOES YOUR EYE DO THAT?
(LAUGHTER)
EWWW!
LOOK AT THIS GUY'S EYE.
HEY, GOOGLY EYE, AAHHH!
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
WE ALL CATCH IT.
WE ALL GO THROUGH THAT.
I DID IN THIRD GRADE,
I HAD THE SAME SIZED HEAD I HAVE
RIGHT NOW.
(AUDIENCE CLAPS)
DON'T CLAP FOR THAT--
THAT'S A HORRIBLE THING I WENT
THROUGH!
IT SUCKS HAVING A BIG HEAD
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING
ABOUT IT.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
GO IN THE GYM?
(LAUGHTER)
JUMP ON THE HEAD MACHINE?
MY FRIENDS WOULD TELL ME:
PUT ON A HAT.
PUT ON A HAT?
THAT'S LIKE PUTTING GLITTER
ON A PIMPLE.
(LAUGHTER)
I WAS FAT AS A KID, TOO.
THAT DIDN'T HELP AT ALL.
BIG, FAT KID.
MY MOM LOVED ME.
EVERYDAY FOR LUNCH, THREE SALAMI
SANDWICHES.
THREE.
YEAH.
THE OTHER KIDS DIDN'T LET THAT
SLIDE.
NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALLED ME?
TOMMY SALAMI.
THAT'S NOT A NICKNAME FOR A
THIRD GRADER.
THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL A MAFIA
HIT MAN.
(LAUGHTER)
OR PORN STAR.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I WAS FAT.
MOST KIDS ARE SCARED OF MONSTERS
OR THE BOOGIE MAN.
NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT SCARED ME?
THAT ROPE IN GYM CLASS.
OH, I KNEW I COULDN'T HAUL
MY CHUBBY ASS UP THAT ROPE.
I USED TO HAVE NIGHTMARES.
I'D GET HALF WAY UP AND SLIDE
DOWN AND SMELL LIKE BACON.
(LAUGHTER)
AND WHEN WAS AT MY FATTEST,
MY DAD GETS THIS IDEA.
HE'S GOING TO PUT ME IN SPORTS.
YEAH.
FIGURING THAT'S A GOOD PLACE
TO LOSE MY SELF ESTEEM, I GUESS.
HE PUT ME IN TRACK.
WHAT A HORRIBLE SPORT THAT IS,
YOU KNOW?
I'M FAT, I HAVE A BIG HEAD
AND NOW I'M IN SHORTS IN PUBLIC.
NOW I'M AS GOOD AS THE GUY
WHO HITS THAT GUN.
I GOT TO START RUNNING LIKE A
JACKASS.
WHY?
WHY?
TO BE FIRST?
I DON'T WANT TO BE FIRST.
I WANT TO BE HOME, EATING CHEESE
DOODLES.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
THEN HE PUTS ME WRESTLING.
THAT'S A TREAT WHEN YOU'RE
TWELVE, FAT AND SQUISHY.
'CAUSE THEY MAKE YOU THE
HEAVYWEIGHT AS SOON AS YOU GET
THERE.
THEY'RE LIKE, 105, 110,
LARD ASS, PERFECT.
(LAUGHTER)
THEY PUT ME IN A VAN.
AND THEY TOOK ME TO PASCATOWAY
NEW JERSEY TO WRESTLE THEIR
HEAVYWEIGHT.
YEAH.
I BET YOU'RE ANOTHER FAT KID?
TWELVE YEARS OLD, THIS KID HAD A
BEARD AND MUSTACHE.
HIS KIDS WERE WATCHING FROM
THE BLEACHERS.
IN TWO SECONDS FLAT,
I WAS ON MY BACK, HIS NUTS IN MY
FACE.
(LAUGHTER)
IT'S LIKE, GREAT, THANKS, DAD.
(APPLAUSE)
HORRIBLE.
MY NEPHEWS LOVE IT.
THEY PLAY THE BASEBALL.
LOVE THE BASEBALL.
I WOULD, TOO, NOW.
THERE'S NO OUTS WHEN YOU PLAY
BASEBALL NOW--
ARE YOU AWARE OF THAT?
NO OUTS.
SO EVERY KID GETS TO HIT
EVERY INNING.
THEY DON'T EVEN KEEP SCORE
SO NOBODY WINS OR LOSES
AND WE ALL GO HOME HAPPY.
WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT?
WE WERE TOLD WHAT WE WERE
GOOD AT.
I WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONAUT.
MY PARENTS CAME TO ME,
YOU CAN'T.
YOU'RE ALMOST RETARDED-
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
AND YOUR HEAD WON'T FIT
IN THE HELMET.
♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)
TOM>> I DON'T KNOW--
MAYBE I'LL HAVE KIDS--
IT'S NOT LIKE I'M COOL ANYMORE.
I'M NOT COOL AT THIS POINT,
IT'S OVER.
IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S GONNA CRAMP
MY STYLE AT THIS POINT.
WERE YOU EVER COOL, SIR?
NO?
SEE?
YOU'RE OKAY.
YOU WERE NEVER COOL--
NOW YOU CAN BE THE SAME GUY YOUR
WHOLE LIFE.
I WAS COOL, NOW I GOTTA BE
SOMETHING NEW.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I KNOW I'M OUT OF IT.
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?
I STILL WATCH THE MTV.
LOVE THE MTV.
BUT IT BECOMES THE MONITOR FOR
HOW OUT OF IT YOU HAVE BECOME.
IT'S TRUE.
WHEN I WAS TWENTY, I'D WATCH
SPRING BREAK.
IT WAS NICE.
GIRLS IN THONG BIKINIS.
WEEEE.
GUYS POPPING BEERS, POURING THEM
ON HER ASS.
WEEEE.
WHEN I WAS TWENTY, I MIGHT GO.
GET A COUPLE FRIENDS,
I'D BE IN FLORIDA IN WHAT?
TWO, THREE DAYS.
NOW IF I SHOWED UP, MTV SECURITY
WOULD TAP ME ON THE SHOULDERS.
SIR, PUT YOUR SHIRT ON.
(LAUGHTER)
GO HOME TO YOUR WIFE.
THIS IS EMBARRASSING.
NO, YOU'RE NOT SLIM SHADY.
(LAUGHTER)
I NEED A VH1 SPRING BREAK,
YOU KNOW?
WE'RE GOING TO FLORIDA.
GET TO SOUTH CAROLINA,
JUST STOP.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(WHISTLES AND CHEERS)
GET OUT OF THE CAR, POP A BEER,
POUR IT ON MY OWN ASS.
HANG OUT, SING JOURNEY TUNES.
WHEW!
WHEW!
WHEW.
LET'S GO HOME.
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
AND I WANT TO GET HOME EARLY
ON SUNDAY.
I HATE GETTING HOME LATE
ON SUNDAY.
'CAUSE THEN YOU GO TO WORK EARLY
ON MONDAY.
IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A
DAY OFF.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!
LESS FRIENDS, TOO.
EVERY YEAR YOU'RE ALIVE,
LESS FRIENDS.
IT'S AMAZING.
ASK ANYBODY OVER 30.
IF THEY TELL YOU THEY HAVE MORE
THAN TEN FRIENDS, YOU KNOW
THEY'RE COUNTING CO-WORKERS.
ALL MY FRIENDS ALL SPLIT AS SOON
AS I GOT MARRIED--
LIKE RATS LEAVING A SINKING
SHIP.
FIRST, 'CAUSE WE GOT MARRIED,
AND THEN WE MOVED
TO CHELSEA HERE IN THE CITY.
AND THEY ALL FREAKED OUT:
TOM, YOU'RE LIVING IN THE GAY
AREA.
HOW ARE WE GOING TO VISIT YOU
IN THE GAY AREA?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, THOUGH,
A GAY AREA.
WHAT ARE ALL THE SQUIRRELS
RUNNING AROUND IN FUSCHIA
JUMPSUITS IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD?
THE MAILMEN COME WITH THE MAIL:
HERE'S MAIL FOR YOU, AND YOU,
AND YOU.
MAIL, MAIL, MAIL.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(WHISTLES AND CHEERS)
PROBABLY WON'T LIVE TO BE VERY
OLD, LIVING IN NEW YORK, THOUGH.
SCARY PLACE TO LIVE,
DON'T YOU AGREE?
NOT BECAUSE OF THE CRIME--
THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.
IT'S THREAT OF THE TERRORIST
STUFF.
'CAUSE EVERY TIME SOME WACKO
ROUND THE WORLD WANTS TO MAKE A
POINT, FOR SOME REASON THEY COME
TO MANHATTAN.
WITH PLANS TO BLOW STUFF UP.
AND THEY ALWAYS SAY THEY WANT TO
GET BACK AT AMERICANS BY BLOWING
UP THE SUBWAYS.
HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE SUBWAYS?
(LAUGHTER)
THERE'S HARDLY AN AMERICAN DOWN
THERE.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
THERE'S GONNA BE ONE GUY
DOWN THERE WITH A BOMB--
IN THE NAME OF ALLAH,
I'M GOING TO...
MOTHER?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I ALMOST DIED RECENTLY.
LITTLE ADVICE-- DO NOT GO ON
THE INTERNET AND TRY AND SAVE
MONEY ON YOUR FLIGHTS.
CHEAP FOR A REASON.
I GET THERE-- THERE'S NOT EVEN
A NAME ON THE PLANE, IT'S JUST
A GUY IN GOGGLES, GOING,
"LET'S GO.
THIS WAY."
(LAUGHTER)
EVERY TIME, MECHANICAL PROBLEMS,
AND THEY'RE SO DUMB THAT THEY
TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT'S WRONG.
THEY'RE NOT THE BIG GUYS,
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE VERY
PROFESSIONAL--
THEY HAVE A PROBLEM,
THEY'RE DISCREET.
THEY HAVE PROBLEMS, UH--
EVERYBODY WE'RE EXPERIENCING
SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
JUST SIT TIGHT.
WE'RE GOING TO GET THIS PROBLEM
FIXED.
GET YOU TO YOUR DESTINATION
QUICKLY, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY,
AS SAFELY AS POSSIBLE.
I'M ON THIS PIECE OF CRAP
AIRLINE-- WE'RE ON THE RUNWAY,
ABOUT TO TAKE OFF,
GOOD THING WE DIDN'T TAKE OFF.
(LAUGHTER)
THE LEFT ENGINE ISN'T WORKING
WE'RE GOING TO TRY TO GET FUEL
FROM THE RIGHT ENGINE TO THE
LEFT ENGINE.
SO, IF EVERYBODY COULD JUST LEAN
TO THE LEFT.
OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET
A MECHANIC OUT HERE TO TAKE A
LOOK AT THIS.
I'M THINKING A MECHANIC ON A
JET PLANE HAS GOT TO BE SERIOUS
BUSINESS, RIGHT?
A GUY IN A CLEAN JUMPSUIT,
MILITARY HAIR CUT, M.I.T.
DEGREES.
NOT A MECHANIC, MECHANIC.
NOT A GUY WHEN HE GETS THE CALL,
IS DOING BONG HITS IN HIS SHOP
FIVE MINUTES BEFORE.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY SENT
OUT.
A WHITE GUY WITH DREAD LOCKS.
SO YOU KNOW HE MAKES A LOT OF
BAD DECISIONS.
(APPLAUSE)
THIS GUY'S ON THE PLANE FOR
2 1/2 HOURS.
THE PILOT COMES BACK: GOOD NEWS,
EVERYBODY.
THEY SAY WE'RE READY TO GO.
WHO'S THEY?
IS THE DREADLOCK GUY THEY?
THEY DON'T LOOK THAT BRIGHT.
ARE THEY COMING WITH US?
NO, THEY'RE GOING HOME BY CAR.
ONCE YOU'RE UP THERE--
EVERYBODY COMPLAINS ABOUT BABIES
CRYING.
BUT THAT'S WHAT THEY DO--
BABIES CRY.
THE KIDS THAT BOTHER ME ARE
THE ONES THAT CAN TALK.
BECAUSE THEY SAY OUT LOUD
ALL THE FEARS I'M TRYING
TO SUPPRESS.
(LAUGHTER)
ON THIS DEATH DEFYING FLIGHT
BACK HOME.
IT'S LIKE--
ALL RIGHT, LIFT OFF,
I HOPE THIS IS COOL.
KID POPS UP BEHIND ME--
"WHAT'S THAT NOISE?
(LAUGHTER)
WE'RE REALLY REALLY HIGH!
THAT MAN TALKS LIKE A LADY.
WE'RE GONNA DIE!
WE'RE GONNA DIE!"
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
TOM>> SCARIER THAN FLYING
FOR ME, THOUGH, IS STAYING IN
HOTELS.
THAT IS CREEPY BUSINESS,
ISN'T IT?
'CAUSE OTHER PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
IN THOSE ROOMS BEFORE ME.
A LOT OF PEOPLE.
AND PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING.
WE ALL ARE.
I AM.
YOU ARE.
YOU DEFINITELY ARE.
(LAUGHTER)
NOT NOW.
WE LOOK NICE, WE'RE OUT,
WE'RE ALL DRESSED UP.
YOU PUT ON YOUR NICE...
T-SHIRT.
LOOK GOOD.
BUT WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS.
YOU LET YOUR HAIR DOWN.
IT GETS KIND OF NASTY.
I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE.
AND NO PLACE DO YOU LET YOUR
HAIR DOWN MORE THAN WHEN YOU'RE
IN A HOTEL.
LET'S FACE IT.
YOU DO THINGS IN A HOTEL YOU
WOULD NEVER THINK ABOUT DOING
IN YOUR OWN HOME.
AS SOON AS THAT DOOR SHUTS,
PANTS COME OFF.
WHOOO!
DROP STUFF ON THE FLOOR.
I AIN'T PICKING THAT CRAP UP.
SIT ON THE END OF THE BED,
CLIP YOUR TOE NAILS.
BING, BING, BING, BING, BING!
HYPOCRITES, THOUGH.
I SEE ONE HAIR IN THAT SINK...
SECURITY.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU PUT ME IN A DIRTY ROOM.
PEOPLE ARE BAD NEWS.
YOU SEE THAT REPORT THEY DID ON
THE ABC?
THEY TOOK AN ULTRA VIOLET LIGHT
THROUGH HOTELS, NICE HOTELS.
SEE HOW CLEAN THEY WERE.
THEY FOUND SPERM EVERYWHERE.
(LAUGHTER)
EVERYWHERE.
ON THE REMOTE CONTROL.
ON THE CEILING.
(AUDIENCE MEMBER GROANS)
YEAH.
WITH HOW MUCH I TRAVEL,
HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?
THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT'S
MINE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
CREEPY.
IT'S THE TRUTH.
MY ANNIVERSARY'S COMING UP,
WE'RE PLANNING A ROMANTIC
GETAWAY.
YEAH.
THAT'S EVEN WORSE.
EVER TRY THAT?
YOU GO TO A BED AND BREAKFAST?
OH, YEAH, THAT'S A COMFORTABLE
MORNING, ISN'T IT?
COMING DOWN AND SHARING COFFEE
WITH ALL THE STRANGERS THAT WERE
EAVESDROPPING ON YOU THE NIGHT
BEFORE?
"WELL, GOOD MORNING, COWBOY."
(LAUGHTER)
I'M GONNA EAT MY MUFFIN
IN MY ROOM.
I LIKE GOING TO PLACES THAT ARE
REALLY WARM RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
WINTER--
THAT'S NICE.
I GET OFF THE PLANE,
I'M SO WHITE, THE LOCALS THINK
I'M AN ANGEL THEY GIVE ME
TRINKETS AND THEIR DAUGHTERS--
IT'S NICE.
I STILL TAKE A LOT OF PICTURES
WHEN I'M OUT THERE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY, 'CAUSE
NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THEM AT ALL.
IT COULD BE THE MOST MEANINGFUL
EXPERIENCE TO YOU IN YOUR LIFE.
NOBODY GIVES A CRAP.
AND I UNDERSTAND WHY--
'CAUSE WHEN YOU SHOW PEOPLE
PICTURES OF YOUR EXPERIENCE,
WHAT YOU'RE REALLY SAYING IS
"I'M BETTER THAN YOU.
NO, LOOK, THIS IS ME.
LOOK.
WHITE WATER RAFTING IN AUGUST.
LOOK AT THAT.
YEAH.
TWO WEEKS.
WHERE WERE YOU IN AUGUST?"
OH, WORKING, YEAH, YEAH.
OH, THAT'S WHEN THE TONER SPILT
ON YOUR SUIT?
OH, YEAH.
NOW, THAT'S ME, BETTER THAN YOU,
RIGHT THERE.
YEAH.
I GAVE MY DAD A DIGITAL CAMERA
FOR CHRISTMAS--
THAT'S A MISTAKE.
HE'S ONE OF THOSE GUYS THAT GETS
WACKY WHEN HE TAKES THE PHOTOS,
YOU KNOW?
HE CAN'T JUST SAY "CHEESE"
HE'S GOT TO GET SOMETHING CLEVER
IN THERE.
YOU KNOW, AT THE LAST MINUTE?
OKAY, GET IN, GET GRANDMA.
OKAY, ONE TWO THREE, SAY--
"DONKEY TURDS!"
YOU JUST GET BACK PICTURES OF
EVERYBODY LIKE...
NO ONE LIKES GETTING YOUR
PICTURE TAKEN.
IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.
IT'S AWKWARD.
DO YOU EVER HAVE THAT POSE THAT
YOU HIT THAT YOU THINK LOOKS
GOOD?
SO YOU TRY TO HIT THAT MARK
EVERY TIME SOMEONE SHOWS UP WITH
A CAMERA?
EVERY PICTURE OF ME BETWEEN
13 AND 17 WERE LIKE THIS...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WHO'S TOMMY SALAMI NOW?
(APPLAUSE)
TOM>> WE GOTTA COME UP WITH
STUFF.
LOVE.
YOU GOTTA TRY AND WORK THAT.
I THINK THAT'S THE ANSWER.
YOU FIND SOMEONE YOU REALLY
LOVE.
IT'S NICE, RIGHT?
BUT YOU GOTTA WORK AT IT.
IT'S NOT AN EASY THING.
YOU GOTTA KEEP PRACTICING,
YOU KNOW?
WE ALL HAVE LIKE 12 SEXUAL
TRICKS IN OUR BAG.
AND YOU RUN OUT OF THOSE WHEN
YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE A LONG TIME.
IN THE BEGINNING, IT'S GREAT.
HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD
THAT--
WHEE!
LET'S DO IT DOWN HERE!
WHEE!
THEN YOU GOTTA START COMING UP
WITH NEW TRICKS, AND THAT GETS
EMBARRASSING.
ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE MARRIED.
IF YOU'RE DATING AND YOU TRY
SOMETHING OUT SEXUALLY,
IT DOESN'T WORK--
YOU NEVER HAVE TO SEE EACH OTHER
AGAIN.
IF YOU'RE MARRIED,
THEY'LL REMIND YOU OF THAT FOR
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU BE LIKE, HEY, YOU WANNA GO
TRY IT DOWNSTAIRS TONIGHT?
THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE LIKE
THE TOOL BENCH INCIDENT, IS IT?
(LAUGHTER)
YEAH, IT WAS THAT BAD--
I HAVE A SCAR!
MY WIFE WANTS ME TO ROLE PLAY.
YOU EVER TRY THAT?
THE ROLE PLAY?
NO.
'CAUSE IT'S STUPID.
I'M LIKE WHO DO YOU WANT ME
TO BE?
SHE SAYS, ANYBODY BUT YOU.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I'M WITH HER 24 HOURS A DAY.
I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO SHOW UP:
HEY, I'M THE PLUMBER.
I DON'T WANT TO BE THE PLUMBER.
I WANT TO BE BATMAN.
(LAUGHTER)
SHE WANTS ME TO TALK DURING SEX.
I DON'T TALK.
WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY?
UMM... DONE.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WORDS ARE SO GOOFY, AREN'T THEY?
THEY'RE HORRIBLE--
VAGINA-- TERRIBLE WORD.
RIGHT, LADIES?
YOU KNOW A MAN CAME UP
WITH THAT.
IF A WOMAN NAMED IT,
IT'D BE BEAUTIFUL AND POWERFUL
AT THE SAME TIME.
IT'D BE LIKE--
"EXCELSIOR."
(LAUGHTER)
YOU TAKE ME SHOPPING--
I'LL SHOW YOU "EXCELSIOR."
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
VAGINA?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU
CALL IN SICK WITH, DOESN'T IT?
I CAN'T COME TO WORK, DON.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I'VE GOT VAGINA!
(LAUGHTER)
IT'S ALL OVER MY FACE!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
BEST ADVICE, THOUGH--
IF YOU HAVE LOVE AND WANT TO
HANG ON TO IT--
THE BEST ADVICE SOMEONE GAVE
ME-- DON'T BREAK UP OVER LITTLE
STUFF.
LET ALL THE LITTLE STUFF SLIDE.
IT'S TRUE.
BREAK UP OVER LITTLE STUFF.
THINKING YOU'RE GONNA MEET
SOMEBODY NEW, THINKING IT'S
GONNA BE GREAT.
NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FIND?
MORE CRAP.
WE'VE ALL GOT IT.
I'VE GOT IT.
MY WIFE'S GOT IT.
SHE'S GOT CATS.
TWO OF THEM.
LOVES THEM TO DEATH.
LOVES THESE CATS.
I DON'T LIKE CATS.
NEVER HAVE.
SHE LOVES THEM.
SO NOW WE'RE TOGETHER.
SO GUESS WHAT?
I LOVE THEM, TOO.
YEAH.
(LAUGHTER)
HOW LONG ARE THEY GOING TO LIVE,
ANYWAY?
TEN YEARS?
FIFTEEN YEARS?
BARRING AN "ACCIDENT" OR...
DOOR LEFT OPEN?
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT CAN HAPPEN.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
I LIKE DOGS.
THEY'RE EVERYTHING YOU WANNA BE
AS MEN.
NO PANTS ON.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
BRING YOUR GIRLFRIEND OVER,
WHAT DOES YOUR DOG DO?
A HEAD RIGHT IN HER CROTCH.
AH, I THINK I LOVE YOU.
CATS ARE FEMININE.
WE DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM.
THEY'RE MYSTERIOUS.
THEY'RE RREEER.
VERY SECRETIVE.
RRREEEER.
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A CAT HAVE
SEX.
NOBODY HAS.
THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL HASN'T
CAUGHT THAT.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU HEAR IT.
YOU HEAR IT.
LATE AT NIGHT YOU'RE TRYING
TO SLEEP.
AAAAHHH!
OOHH, YEAH!
WHO'S YOUR DOGGY!
AAAHHH!
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
COMEDY CENTRAL.
CAPTIONED BY
REALTIME CAPTIONING
VAN NUYS, CALIFORNIA.
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