Both Not Half: How language shapes identity | Jassa Ahluwalia | TEDxChandigarh
Summary
TLDRThe speaker, of mixed Punjabi and English heritage, shares personal anecdotes of cultural identity struggles and the journey to self-acceptance. From childhood immersion in dual cultures to teenage confusion and adult realizations, the narrative explores the fluidity of identity beyond binary labels. The speaker advocates for a non-binary approach to life, embracing the complexity of being 'both not half,' challenging societal divisions and promoting a unified understanding of individuality.
Takeaways
- 🌍 The speaker has a mixed heritage, being half English and half Punjabi, which has shaped his identity and experiences.
- 🎭 He has acted in various TV series, but has also faced a sense of division between his cultural identities.
- 🧒 Growing up, he was immersed in both cultures, speaking Punjabi at home and English at school, and spending holidays in India.
- 👶 As a child, he temporarily lost his English language skills after being immersed in India, highlighting the impact of environment on language.
- 🎤 During his teenage years, he faced an accusation of mocking Indian accents, which led to feelings of humiliation and confusion about his identity.
- 🎭 His acting career brought him success, but also a growing sense of being torn between two cultures, which he felt increasingly troubled by.
- 🏡 At a Punjabi wedding, he felt isolated and alien, realizing that his dual heritage was not universally understood or accepted.
- 📚 He discovered that national identities are a relatively recent construct, which helped him reject the need to conform to a single identity.
- 📖 He embarked on a journey to rediscover his Punjabi heritage and language, using resources like YouTube and Google Translate.
- 👴 Spending time with his grandparents, especially his grandfather, played a crucial role in his reconnection with his Punjabi roots.
- 🌟 His 'Both Not Half' philosophy is a rejection of binary thinking and an embrace of the complexity and wholeness of his mixed heritage.
Q & A
What was the speaker's first experience with the Wagga border and the wild leg kicking ceremony?
-The speaker's first experience with the Wagga border involved an argument with an Indian street vendor. Although he had been to India many times, this was his first visit to the Wagga border. He was excited to witness the wild leg kicking ceremony but was also tired from a long, hot day.
How did the speaker's mixed heritage influence his childhood and upbringing?
-The speaker's mixed heritage, with a Punjabi father and an English mother, led to a cross-cultural upbringing. He grew up speaking Punjabi at home, English at school, and spent weekends with his parents and summers in India. This dual heritage was a significant part of his identity from a young age.
What incident during the speaker's childhood highlighted the cultural differences he experienced?
-During a trip to India at the age of three and a half, the speaker temporarily forgot English and could not understand a British Airways steward, asking his grandad what she was saying in Punjabi.
How did the speaker's teenage years shape his understanding of his dual identity?
-In his teenage years, the speaker happily identified as half Indian and half British. However, he faced accusations of not being enough of either, which led to feelings of confusion and a growing sense of division between his two worlds.
What event at a Punjabi wedding made the speaker feel isolated and triggered a desire to find a sense of belonging?
-At a Punjabi wedding, the speaker felt isolated when a young girl stared at him, unable to comprehend his identity as a white man dancing at a Punjabi event. This incident made him realize the complexity of his identity and sparked a desire to find a sense of belonging.
How did the speaker's understanding of national identities change after learning about their historical origins?
-The speaker discovered that national identities were an invention of the 1800s, filling the void left by the breakdown of traditional communities. This realization helped him see national identities as constructs rather than essential truths, fundamentally changing his sense of being.
What fear did the speaker experience during his last trip to India in 2014, and how did he address it?
-During his 2014 trip to India, the speaker feared growing distant from India, his family, and his Punjabi heritage. He addressed this fear by consciously studying Punjabi, engaging with his culture, and spending meaningful time with his grandparents.
How did the speaker's acting career reflect his struggle with his dual identity?
-The speaker's acting career took off with roles that did not necessarily reflect his dual heritage. He felt a divide between his professional success and his personal struggle with identity, which was not fully addressed until he started exploring his heritage more deeply.
What was the significance of the 'Both Not Half' concept for the speaker, and how did it evolve?
-The 'Both Not Half' concept for the speaker represented a non-binary approach to life, rejecting easy distinctions and historical prejudice. It evolved from a personal struggle with identity to a public expression of his Punjabi identity, ultimately becoming a way to challenge societal labels and promote inclusion.
How did the speaker's viral video about making dal with a meat substitute reflect his identity and cultural exploration?
-The viral video of the speaker making dal with a meat substitute was a lighthearted exploration of his Punjabi heritage, blending traditional and modern elements. It also served as a way for him to express his identity publicly and sparked a broader conversation about identity and heritage.
Outlines
🌍 Cross-Cultural Encounters and Identity
The speaker recounts a childhood experience in India that sparked a deeper exploration of their dual heritage as a British Asian. The narrative begins with a humorous encounter with a street vendor, highlighting the speaker's struggle with identity as a 'white man' in India. The speaker's upbringing, with a white English mother and a Punjabi father, is described, emphasizing the immersion in both cultures from an early age. The story also touches on the challenges of maintaining a bicultural identity, such as the loss of language proficiency and the feeling of being caught between two worlds.
🎭 The Struggle with Identity and the Pursuit of Belonging
This paragraph delves into the speaker's journey through adolescence and early adulthood, grappling with the concept of being 'half' something and the implications of that identity. The speaker reflects on a pivotal moment in a math class that led to a confrontation with a teacher over a song, which was perceived as mocking the Indian accent. The narrative also touches on the speaker's acting career and the feeling of division between their personal and professional worlds, culminating in a poignant moment at a Punjabi wedding that triggers a deep sense of isolation and a quest for a unified identity.
📚 Rediscovering Roots and Embracing Heritage
The speaker shares a transformative realization about the nature of national identities and the historical construct of such labels. This epiphany leads to a personal liberation from the constraints of identity labels. The narrative then shifts to the speaker's conscious effort to reconnect with their Punjabi heritage, including learning the language and engaging in cultural activities with their grandparents. The paragraph also reveals the speaker's professional frustrations as an actor seeking to explore their heritage in the entertainment industry, which is marked by slow progress in representation.
🌟 Embracing 'Both Not Half' Philosophy
In the final paragraph, the speaker introduces the concept of 'Both Not Half,' a philosophy that rejects binary distinctions and embraces the complexity of identity. The speaker discusses the power of labels in dividing people and the importance of recognizing and rewriting the language of division into one of inclusion. The narrative concludes with the speaker's personal journey of self-discovery and the empowerment that comes from embracing a non-binary approach to life, as exemplified by their public expression of Punjabi identity and the impact of a viral video that sparked a broader conversation about identity and heritage.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Cultural Identity
💡Biculturalism
💡Hybrid Identity
💡National Identity
💡Diaspora
💡Cultural Assimilation
💡Cross-Cultural Experience
💡Stereotype
💡Historical Prejudice
💡Inclusion
💡Mixed Heritage
Highlights
A personal encounter with a persistent street vendor in India leads to a moment of cultural realization.
The speaker's mixed heritage of being English and Punjabi shapes his identity and experiences.
The importance of language in maintaining cultural ties and the struggle of losing one's native tongue.
The concept of national identities as a relatively recent historical construct.
The idea that national identities are not essential truths but rather societal constructs.
The speaker's realization of the fluidity of identity and the rejection of binary labels.
The impact of the speaker's heritage on his acting career and the challenges of representation in the industry.
The term 'mixed race' being seen as problematic and the preference for 'mixed heritage'.
The speaker's journey of re-engaging with his Punjabi roots through language and culture.
The use of technology, such as YouTube and Google Translate, in learning and preserving one's heritage language.
The emotional connection and learning experience shared with the speaker's grandfather through reading Punjabi stories.
The transformative power of understanding one's heritage as a means to find personal and cultural balance.
The creative process behind the speaker's viral video that led to a greater public expression of his Punjabi identity.
The concept of 'Both Not Half' as a non-binary approach to identity and a rejection of societal divisions.
The idea that recognizing and rewriting the language of division can lead to a more inclusive society.
The speaker's advocacy for a complex understanding of individual and cultural identities beyond simple labels.
The conclusion that all individuals are whole entities with a mix of identities that cannot be separated.
Transcripts
when i was 15 years old
i had an argument with an indian street
vendor
i had been to india many times before
but this was my first time visiting the
wagga border
i was excited i'd heard stories about
the wild
leg kicking ceremony i'd been practicing
but i was also tired it had been a
long hot day and as our rickshaw pulled
up amongst the crowd
a young man rushed over clutching
bottles of water
water water cold water i already had a
bottle of water
i showed him smile to courteous no thank
you
ah but this is cold water sir ice cold
feel
he thrust the bottle of water into my
hand he was right it was
freezing but i had a slight headache
coming on and i really just needed a
moment to myself
so being an englishman i defaulted to
what i know best
awkward politeness no thank you sorry i
have plenty of water i
don't need anything sorry sorry thank
you sir
lots of people very hot you will need
more water
i was impressed by his persistence but
still no
thank you best price the crowd was
starting to swell
one liter two liter i snapped
up
he instantly fell silent
i instantly felt bad
but he didn't look upset in fact he was
he was smiling that he shouted out to
his friends nearby
punjab the punjab's white man is here
i soon had a crowd around me and all
hope of quiet was lost
this wasn't the first time my punjabi
had surprised people
and it wouldn't be the last
my white english mom was brought up in
england and my punjabi dad was born in
india
he emigrated to the uk as a child and my
parents met in their 20s and i was born
shortly after
i was immersed in my dual heritage from
the outset
my dad spoke to me in punjabi before i
could even speak
my mum learned the language well enough
to discipline me
chopkar
be quiet stop that sit down
and then when i was two years old my
family life changed
my sister was born my family was
struggling
and in true indian fashion i was sent to
go and live with my punjabi grandparents
in leicester this became my new reality
punjabi at home
english at school weekends with my
parents
and summer holidays in india
a cross-cultural cross-generational
experience
my first trip to india was with my
grandad aged three and a half
i don't remember much but i did forget
something
english
on the flight on the way home the
british airways steward asked me if i
would like a colouring book
i stared back at her blankly before
turning to my grandad and asking
kikendia what's she saying
thankfully the elasticity of youth meant
that my english came back quite quickly
but my indian accent it it persisted a
little longer
the story goes that i was at the
supermarket with my mum just the two of
us
and i was sat in the trolley when all of
a sudden i shouted out
mommy i want a banana
she panicked she completed our shopping
in record time
i had no idea why she was worried i had
also had no idea that i was a white baby
with a
strong punjabi accent i had no idea that
that was strange
i was just me that said i used to watch
the jungle book religiously as a child
one monsoon season trip to india i even
packed a red cloth
i plan to reenact the adventures of
mowgli in the pouring rain
it would only be later in my adult life
that i would come to realize
why kipling's famous man cub resonated
with me so
strongly a young boy caught between two
worlds
during my teenage years i i happily went
around proudly introducing myself as
half indian half british it never
occurred to me that by identifying as
half i was
opening myself up to accusations of not
being enough
even when a clear example presented
itself to me
it was during a rather dull maths class
i was sat somewhere near the back
and i was singing a song under my breath
for my brown classmates
a song inspired by my grandparents
mispronunciations
i say guarantee and you say grunty
i say warranty and you say guarantee
guarantee grunty warranty warranty
let's call the whole thing off
we were in hysterics my gujati friend
offered up a few of his own verses
but our teacher a south asian lady
she was not impressed she asked me to
stay behind after class
now i was expecting a lecture on the
follies of showmanship
i clearly never learned but what i got
came as a surprise
she told me off for mocking the indian
accent
i tried to explain she knew my heritage
but it was no use
she told me the song was offensive and
that was final
why had my gujarati friend been spared
this particular lecture
i felt weird humiliated and angry
but i was a teenager everything made me
feel weird humiliated and angry
the moment passed and i soon went back
to enjoying my white privilege
during my twenties my acting career
started to take off
my breakthrough role came with a leading
role in bbc three series some girls
followed by roles in ripper street and
peaky blinders
i was enjoying success but my worlds
felt
divided at first i thought this divide
might be
the inevitable result of my parents
divorce a few years earlier
but the feeling began to grow and
trouble me
reaching its climax at a wedding
it was a punjabi wedding in london i was
on the dance floor the pangara was in
full swing
i was enjoying a moment of familiar
bliss
and then i saw a young girl she must
have only been around
four or five years old and she was
staring at me
her eyes wide fascinated
confused i couldn't figure it out at
first but then i realized
and my body felt heavy
she didn't or couldn't understand what i
was
dancing white man agora
to her i was alien
as the evening went on my sense of
isolation grew
white guests approached me seeking
fellow fish out of water
uncle g's used me to shame their
english-only speaking kids
harmony
in the weeks following the wedding i
felt so confused
i had this burning desire to find a home
but i had no idea where to look
i wanted to return to my childhood to
those carefree days when i was simply
me wherever i was
i realized i needed to look inward what
was i was i
british british asian anglo-indian
where was this conflict coming from what
was its history
my first major breakthrough came when i
discovered that
national identities were an invention of
the 1800s
as cities began to develop national
identities emerged to fill
the void left by the breakdown of
traditional communities
i realized that national identities were
not some
essential truth they were a construct
a construct i didn't need i was amazed a
simple understanding of history
had fundamentally changed my sense of
being for the better
i was inspired i went looking for more
answers
but as i went searching i also grew
afraid
during my last trip to india in 2014
i had visited my bind my ancestral
village
and that's when the fear got hold of me
i grew terrified i found myself
crying i realized i was
so afraid of growing up growing distant
from india of family dying of being left
untethered i also felt that i was losing
my punjabi i
i didn't have the vocabulary to express
complex thoughts and emotions
my mowgli days were over and it hurt
the solution i discovered came from
another of my fictional heroes
philip pullman's his dark materials
concludes with the protagonist
lyra losing her intuitive ability to
read a magical
compass-like device called an eleometer
lyra asks how can she regain this skill
and she's told it will take the work of
a lifetime
but that her knowledge will be even
better then
after a lifetime of thought and effort
because it will come from conscious
understanding
it will never leave you it occurred to
me that my
elethiometer my golden compass was
punjabi my heritage
the language that had once so easily
replaced my mother tongue
now required study the culture that felt
so innate to me in my youth
now demanded research my sadness was
replaced
by excitement i've been shown the way
beyond naivety and nostalgia
i began the pursuit of wisdom more books
history music art i learned to read and
write punjabi via youtube which allowed
me to use dictionaries
and then google translate which allowed
me to expand my vocabulary
it also gave me a new and meaningful way
of spending time with my grandparents
particularly my grandad keen to keep his
aging mind active i would find punjabi
children's stories online and read them
with him
he would correct me explain the meanings
of
words i hadn't encountered before and
inevitably he would digress into
anecdotes
he died in 2017 and though the sadness
was immense
i didn't feel lost i felt i was being
offered a great opportunity the chance
to carry a flame
to keep it burning bright and perhaps
one day
pass it on at the start of 2019 i was
feeling frustrated by the lack of
opportunities for me as an actor
to explore my heritage my history
despite efforts in the entertainment
industry to tell stories that
better represent audiences progress has
been slow
a major west end play recently posted a
casting breakdown seeking an actress
who is black or mixed race
mixed race it seems has a very
particular definition
a definition that excludes me and
countless others
i also feel that the term mixed race is
itself problematic
a linguistic hangover of scientific
racism complete with fears of
race mixing i prefer to think of myself
as mixed heritage and of one human race
these ideas and frustrations came
together one night unexpectedly
last january while i was making some dal
being a vegan dabbling millennial i had
decided to include a meat substitute in
my tarka
i imagined how an old punjabi uncle a uh
my grandad perhaps might react to such
an unorthodox ingredient
i turned it into a comedy video there
and then i posted it to social media
it went viral i had no idea that i just
set my year in motion
a year that would end with me hosting
the brit asia music awards at the
historic wembley arena
this was the first time i had expressed
my punjabi identity
publicly something i could point to and
say look i am punjabi without being
entirely conscious
[Applause]
without being entirely conscious of what
i was doing my video was
an attempt to push back to take control
of my identity my narrative as an artist
as the video went viral i realized i
needed to somehow
communicate this identity to succinctly
offer an explanation to the growing
number
of confused comments
and then something just clicked
and it all made sense
both not half
[Applause]
but what does both not half mean is it
merely a hashtag
or is it something more for me it's
the distillation of my struggles with my
sense of self
the answer to a question i didn't
realize i needed to ask
but most importantly it's not a label
it's an idea both not half
is a non-binary approach to life an idea
that's
always existed it's a rejection of
easy distinction and historical
prejudice
now whatever our backgrounds ethnicity
nationality
gender sexuality social class
we are each whole individuals whose
constituent parts cannot be separated
power structures love labels labels
facilitate division and
ultimately control they allow people to
whip up tales of
us and them oversimplified propaganda
divide and rule
but we can take back our control our
power
by recognizing the language of division
in all its forms and rewriting it into a
language of inclusion
we force the world to engage with detail
instead of simply seeing how we differ
from others we begin to notice how
complex
we ourselves are instead of seeing
divergence
we begin to notice mixes all around us
the same goes for fashion food music
engineering thinking so much of our
world is defined by
what it isn't as opposed to what it is
but that's another talk both not half
is a rewording and a rewiring of our
minds
none of us nothing is half anything
everything all of us are both something
thank you
you
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