Modern Gaming.

Summary

The video script is a passionate critique of modern gaming's shortcomings, from bloated AAA titles and broken launches to the cynicism of live service models and battle passes. It laments the loss of fun and innovation, criticizes the industry's reliance on remasters, and bemoans the shift from casual enjoyment to a job-like grind. The narrator also expresses frustration with the state of game preservation, digital sales, and the impact of online communities on the gaming experience.

Takeaways

• 😀 The speaker humorously criticizes modern gaming practices, suggesting that they often prioritize monetization over fun and player satisfaction.
• 😅 The script satirizes the reliance on battle passes and microtransactions, likening them to cynical money-making schemes that detract from the gaming experience.
• 😓 The speaker expresses disappointment in the state of AAA game releases, which are often plagued by bugs and incomplete features, yet still attract large audiences.
• 😩 The script laments the decline of local multiplayer and the rise of online services, which have led to a loss of social gaming experiences and an increase in technical issues.
• 😤 The speaker criticizes the trend of re-releasing old games with minimal updates, suggesting that it indicates a lack of innovation in the industry.
• 😐 The script touches on the nostalgia for older games and the frustration with modern gaming's complexity and lack of straightforward fun.
• 😒 There's a critique of the gaming industry's focus on creating cinematic experiences at the expense of engaging gameplay mechanics.
• 😠 The speaker is exasperated with the length of time and resources required to install and maintain modern games, which contrasts with the simplicity of older titles.
• 😔 The script discusses the lack of new and original IPs in the gaming industry, with many games feeling like rehashes or sequels without significant innovation.
• 😕 The speaker reflects on the changing nature of gaming communities, from the excitement of new discoveries to the obligation and grind of keeping up with online gaming trends.

Q & A

Why does the speaker criticize the modern gaming industry's use of battle passes?

The speaker criticizes battle passes for turning games into a grind for cosmetic items rather than focusing on gameplay and fun, and for pressuring players into progressing in a way that detracts from the natural enjoyment of gaming.

What is the speaker's view on the current state of AAA games?

The speaker believes that AAA games are often launched in broken states, filled with bugs, and overhyped, leading to disappointment. They also criticize the reliance on promises of future improvements rather than delivering a complete and polished experience at launch.

Why does the speaker mention the Master Chief Collection and its issues?

The Master Chief Collection is used as an example of modern gaming's problems, where despite the nostalgia and initial excitement, players had to endure technical issues, broken features, and a frustrating user experience before being able to enjoy the games.

What does the speaker imply about the gaming community's reaction to poorly launched AAA games?

The speaker implies that the gaming community is quick to criticize and express disappointment with AAA games that launch in poor states, yet they continue to support and purchase these games, indicating a cycle of dissatisfaction and continued financial support.

What is the speaker's opinion on the remastering of games?

The speaker is critical of the remastering of games, seeing it as a cash grab by publishers who charge players again for the same content, often with minimal improvements or updates.

Why does the speaker argue that modern gaming is less fun than ever?

The speaker argues that modern gaming is less fun due to the focus on monetization, broken launches, overhyped promises, and the loss of simple, enjoyable experiences that were more prevalent in the past.

What is the speaker's view on the importance of backwards compatibility in gaming?

The speaker values backwards compatibility as it allows players to access and enjoy games from previous generations without issues, criticizing companies like Sony and Nintendo for not embracing quality emulation of their back catalogs.

How does the speaker describe the change in the gaming industry's approach to creativity and innovation?

The speaker describes a shift from creativity and innovation in the past, with experimental gameplay and unique experiences, to a focus on monetization, remasters, and a lack of new ideas in the modern gaming industry.

What does the speaker suggest about the future of gaming based on the current trends?

The speaker suggests a bleak future for gaming if the current trends continue, with a focus on monetization over fun, technical issues, and a lack of innovation leading to a decline in the overall enjoyment of gaming.

Why does the speaker express frustration with the modern gaming community's focus on competitive play?

The speaker is frustrated because the focus on competitive play has led to a loss of casual, easy-to-pick-up games that provided a sense of accomplishment and fun without the pressure of being the best or mastering complex mechanics.

What is the speaker's stance on the use of digital sales and the impact on physical sales?

The speaker prefers physical sales and is critical of digital sales for their reliance on online servers and licenses, expressing concern that digital games may not be accessible indefinitely and that physical copies are becoming less valuable.

Outlines

00:00

🎮 Disillusionment with Modern Gaming Trends

The script laments the state of modern gaming, criticizing the prevalence of battle passes, microtransactions, and the prioritization of graphics over gameplay. It highlights the disappointment of gamers with AAA titles that promise much but often fail to deliver, citing examples like Halo Infinite, Cyberpunk 2077, and No Man's Sky. The nostalgia for older games and the camaraderie of playing them is contrasted with the current gaming landscape, which is described as being filled with broken code, high budgets, and a lack of fun.

05:02

😓 The Decline of Social Gaming and Matchmaking

This paragraph discusses the deterioration of social gaming experiences, with a focus on the decline in transparent and enjoyable matchmaking systems. The author criticizes the shift from social playlists to a more competitive environment, where progression is tied to battle passes, pressuring players to grind rather than enjoy the game naturally. The paragraph also touches on the lack of transparency in matchmaking and the frustration of dealing with complex user interfaces and technical issues.

10:05

📚 The Overproduction and Lack of Originality in Games

The script criticizes the gaming industry for its lack of originality, pointing out the trend of remasters and reboots that offer little innovation. It mentions the exploitation of beloved franchises like The Last of Us and the Master Chief Collection, with companies seemingly prioritizing profit over quality. The paragraph also expresses frustration with the expectation to repurchase games that have been re-released with minimal improvements.

15:06

🕹️ The Necessity of Backwards Compatibility and Emulation

The author argues for the importance of backwards compatibility and quality emulation to preserve the gaming legacy of past consoles. They provide statistics on the number of games available for older systems like the NES, SNES, PlayStation, and N64, questioning why such a small fraction of these games are playable today. The paragraph criticizes Sony and Nintendo for not making better use of their intellectual property and for not providing a satisfactory way for gamers to access and enjoy their classic games.

20:07

🎨 The Loss of Creativity and Individuality in Game Design

This paragraph reflects on the bygone era of creative and experimental game design, where gameplay and storytelling were not confined to strict rules. The script contrasts this with the current state of gaming, where creativity is often stifled in favor of high production values and monetization. It also mocks the modern trend of simulators that are overly specific and lack the broad appeal of games from the past.

25:08

📈 The Impact of Ubisoft's Formulaic Approach on Gaming

The script criticizes Ubisoft for its formulaic approach to game development, which has led to a sense of obligation and exhaustion among gamers. It discusses the company's reliance on checklists and fetch quests, which have turned games into a chore rather than a source of enjoyment. The paragraph also pokes fun at the idea of subscribing to Ubisoft Plus, questioning the value it adds to a gamer's life given the lack of critically acclaimed games released by the company in recent years.

🏆 The Death of Easy-to-Master Games and the Rise of Competitive Play

The author bemoans the loss of easy-to-pick-up, easy-to-master games, which allowed players to achieve a sense of mastery and satisfaction. They argue that modern games are too focused on online competition, leading to a skill curve that is constantly changing and making it difficult for players to ever feel truly proficient. The paragraph also criticizes the shift away from local multiplayer experiences and the joy of playing games that are intense and fun without the pressure of online rankings.

🌈 The Monotony of Aesthetics in Indie Games

This paragraph criticizes the indie game scene for its overuse of pastel color palettes and low-poly graphics, suggesting that these aesthetics are chosen for nostalgia rather than creativity. The script argues that this trend has led to a lack of visual diversity and innovation in indie games, making them feel monotonous and indistinguishable from one another.

📀 The Stagnation of Game Development for Older Consoles

The script discusses the long console generations and the impact they have on game development, suggesting that many games are still being made with the capabilities of older consoles in mind. This leads to a stagnation in innovation, as developers prioritize compatibility over pushing the boundaries of what is possible. The paragraph calls for a greater focus on innovation and cutting-edge technology in game development.

💸 The Negative Impact of Digital Sales on Physical Gaming

The author criticizes the rise of digital sales in the gaming industry, arguing that they have negatively impacted physical sales and the longevity of games. They express frustration with the reliance on cloud servers and the potential for games to become unplayable when these servers are eventually shut down. The paragraph also criticizes the practice of including key codes in physical game boxes, which ultimately only provide a digital license rather than a tangible product.

🤖 The Infiltration of Discord Bots and the Decline of Community

This paragraph criticizes the overuse of Discord bots and the negative impact they have on gaming communities. The script argues that these bots often spam servers with irrelevant information, detracting from the quality of community interaction. It also expresses a desire for a return to simpler communication platforms like Skype, suggesting that the complexity and rules of Discord servers have made gaming communities less enjoyable.

🕹️ The Transformation of Gaming into an Obligation

The script concludes by lamenting the transformation of gaming from a source of fun and excitement into an obligation. It criticizes the need to keep up with multiplayer meta changes, game sales, and the management of game libraries. The author argues that gaming has become a chore, with the joy and excitement of the past being replaced by cynicism and a sense of duty to maintain relationships and progress in games that often feel broken or incomplete.

Keywords

💡Battle Pass

A battle pass is a monetization feature in video games, particularly in multiplayer online games, where players can purchase a seasonal or time-limited pass that grants access to additional content and rewards as they play the game. In the context of the video, the battle pass is criticized for being a cynical way to monetize players and for potentially detracting from the fun of gaming by pressuring them to grind for rewards.

💡Live Service

Live service refers to a type of video game that is continually updated and maintained over time, often with new content and features. The video script criticizes live service games for being broken at launch and for prioritizing monetization over delivering a complete and satisfying gaming experience.

💡Skill-Based Matchmaking

Skill-based matchmaking is a system in multiplayer games that attempts to match players with opponents of similar skill levels to ensure balanced and competitive matches. The video criticizes this system as being flawed, leading to a lack of fun and transparency, and contributing to a grim and unenjoyable gaming experience.

💡Remasters

Remasters are updated versions of previously released video games, typically featuring improved graphics, performance, or additional content. The script criticizes the gaming industry for relying on remasters and remakes instead of creating new and innovative experiences, suggesting a lack of creativity and originality.

💡Backward Compatibility

Backward compatibility is the ability of a gaming system to play games designed for older versions of that system or different systems altogether. The video expresses frustration with the lack of quality emulation and backward compatibility, which prevents easy access to older games and their associated nostalgia.

💡Cinematic Games

Cinematic games are those that prioritize storytelling and presentation in a way that is similar to films or television shows. The script criticizes this trend, suggesting that it leads to overproduced games that lack the fun and engaging gameplay loops of the past.

💡Indie Games

Indie games are video games typically created by individuals or small teams without the financial and resource backing of a large publisher. The video criticizes indie games for often being repetitive and formulaic, with a focus on aesthetics over gameplay innovation.

💡Loot Boxes

Loot boxes are a controversial monetization technique in video games where players can purchase randomized virtual items, often with real money. The script criticizes loot boxes as a predatory practice that exploits players and detracts from the enjoyment of the game.

💡Gamers

The term 'gamers' is used in the script to describe the target audience of video games, but it also touches on the changing nature of what it means to be a gamer. The video suggests that modern gaming has made being a gamer less about enjoyment and more about obligation and keeping up with trends.

💡Discord

Discord is a communication platform popular among gamers for its voice, video, and text chat capabilities. The script criticizes Discord for its user interface, notifications, and the presence of bots that contribute to a cluttered and unenjoyable experience.

💡Digital Sales

Digital sales refer to the purchase of video games online, as opposed to buying physical copies. The video criticizes digital sales for potentially devaluing physical media and for the reliance on cloud servers, which may not be permanent, thus risking the loss of access to purchased games.

Highlights

Fall Guys' implementation of a battle pass and the modern gaming trend of monetization.

The critique of modern gaming as a 'comfort crutch' and the disillusionment with the current state of gaming.

The comparison of modern gaming to a printer ink that deactivates without sufficient in-game currency.

The lament over the end of the 'cozy, satisfying weekend rental' era for games.

The frustration with AAA game launches being 'bigger, longer, more broken, and less fun'.

The experience of playing old games like Duck Hunt and Jenga on Halo 3 amidst technical issues.

The cynicism towards the industry's focus on high budgets and broken code over player enjoyment.

The critique of AAA games like Halo Infinite, Cyberpunk 2077, and No Man's Sky for their lack of entertainment value.

The argument that consumers continue to buy games despite their disappointments, fueling the cycle of poor game quality.

The discussion of the evolution of multiplayer gaming from social to competitive and the impact on fun.

The critique of the live service model and its effect on game progression and enjoyment.

The commentary on the length of time it takes to install modern games, using Call of Duty as an example.

The criticism of remasters and the industry's lack of innovation, with The Last of Us as a case study.

The desire for backwards compatibility and the frustration with the lack of access to old games.

The critique of PlayStation and Nintendo's failure to emulate their back catalog with quality.

The argument that modern games are overproduced and lack the creativity and excitement of the past.

The commentary on the state of indie games, with a focus on the prevalence of pastel color block aesthetics and low-poly design.

The critique of digital sales and their impact on physical sales, and the preference for owning physical copies of games.

The frustration with the reliance on Discord for gaming communities and the desire to return to simpler communication methods.

The lament over gaming becoming a job-like obligation rather than a source of fun and relaxation.

Transcripts

why does fall guys have a battle pass

you want to escape you want a Whimsical

Adventure you want to fall back on

gaming as a comfort crutch [ __ ] you

grind for cat ears this is modern gaming

don't be fooled by those who claim it's

never been a better time to be a gamer

modern gaming is the dick that'll say

anything I can to [ __ ] you modern gaming

is the printer ink that deactivates

itself if you don't have enough V bucks

modern gaming is the gun I want to use

to kill the era of the complete cozy

satisfying weekend rental is over games

are bigger than ever longer than ever

more broken than ever and worst of all

less fun than ever don't bother getting

your friends together to play the quirky

multiplayer mini-games from ATV off-road

Fury too they're [ __ ] done the guys

at the top are done they figured it out

video games are done recently my friends

and I got together to play some old fun

games facilitated by the Master Chief

Collection a collection of all the Halo

games before Halo 5. exactly zero people

knew how invites worked data installs

for specific games worked or how any of

the cursed and wretched uis worked file

shares were broken clients were crashing

but we all [ __ ] worked through it

until we were finally able to experience

the Bliss that is duck hunt and Jenga on

Halo 3 but that's what modern gaming is

now a morsel of fun wrapped in the most

cynical pudding of broken code and 500

million dollar budgets never exist all

right listen this is gonna be an

unorganized video and uh we're going to

jump from topic to topic there's

literally zero way to organize my

disdain and cynicism for this industry

that currently stands so let's just

pretend that this is a list video what's

the list video called top 18 reasons

modern gaming has made my dick stop

working number one Halo infinite and

cyberpunk 2077 and no man's sky and

Madden NFL and Battlefield and Star

Citizen AAA games hate you they hate the

notion that they'd have to actually

Entertain You So instead they just wish

upon a star and promise it'll all come

together someday every Madden game

that's released is trashed by the pros

and littered with bugs literally every

ambitious video game launches in the

state that no man's Sky did quote

unquote everything simulators like Star

Citizen that promised the world rob you

blind and [ __ ] your dog cyberpunk 2077

had the audacity to have a great art

style an amazing soundtrack while also

enacting Poland's wish for its very own

Divine showcase for overhyped technical

buffoonery and Halo infinite has the

otherworldly nerve to make a road map

announcing the beta for match XP as a

[ __ ] feature needless to say very few

developers have the ability to Reign it

in and have a pep talk good enough to

stop smoking meth in the [ __ ] break

room long enough to turn their games

around Hello Games is the shining

example everyone loves to bring up with

how they turn no man's sky around from a

broken unplayable mass of [ __ ] to

something that people pretend is fun to

play a pure sandbox without fluid feel

still sounds like a bad time to me but

hey some journalists change their rating

so we all better go on Twitter until the

message the consensus has changed

why even bother releasing the game in 14

months when we can release it

in 15 minutes

Todd Howard I haven't even finished the

wall Textures in the first level 14

minutes and 50 six seconds typing any

video game up these days just leaves you

with the same feeling you get when a

beautiful girl doesn't appreciate your

hard-earned 100 save file in Sonic

Adventure 2. disappointment my Chow can

run circles around you Francine their

Champion Fighters and can fly high so

they can reach the highest of all the

heavens Francine Why Don't You Love Me

Francis number two you keep buying it

these games demonstrate the bare minimum

for what could be considered software

and the market is spoken we'll be angry

but God damn it take my money even

though nobody plays these games after

launch they line up to buy it it makes

my [ __ ] jaw drop the amount of raw

unfiltered hardened Diamond Eyes

reinforced ionized copium surrounding

the rocky launch of AAA games with half

a billion dollar budgets is too much you

all need to snap out of it and do

something more worth your time and money

like getting a payday loan everyone

[ __ ] knows you're gonna spend it on

FIFA's Ultimate Team anyway you stupid

[ __ ] idiot number three

making is dumb now in 2007 Bungie

dropped the Angelic sex toy that was

Halo 3 kept you coming back for more in

the orgasms only got better you got to

play the game with your friends Finding

matches was transparent the ux was fat

and thick those pre and post-game Lobby

fights the service records and even The

Limited events before the live service

battle passes of modern day rock hard

flaccid

titanium

tinfoil crunchy peanut butter store

brand expired smooth brain peanut butter

what once was a valuable tool for

matching players into fun and engaging

matches morphed into the half-working

algorithm that ranks the percentage

chance you'd [ __ ] someone on okcupid.com

skill based matchmaking or similar

backpack marmalade takes your stats and

matches it with some other basement

dweller with stats agonizingly similar

so that you can have a neat precise

Bleak gray

infographic 50 win rate No More social

playlists just sweat and unemployment if

you're not smoking enough crack to keep

up with these little shits that just got

picked up from detention then get ready

for the extremely clever [ __ ] talking in

the DMS so yeah you're gay

what happened to fun what happened to

progression derp how many challenges do

I have to complete today to unlock male

fertility progression used to mean

steady progress no matter what XP coming

at you baby nice job in that last match

you did really well and you're improving

good job battle passes ruined

matchmaking because you're pressured

into the natural need to progress no

longer are you drunkily making Bets with

your friends trying to no scope noobs

upside down on the couch with the blood

rushing to your head you've effectively

evolved into the kids washed up Adderall

dealer sweating hard and long enough to

get 35 kill streaks to unlock the weed

b-90 matchmaking isn't fun it's not

transparent and you can't even see how

many players are online anymore unless

you read too closely at Dev blogs

talking about [ __ ] playlist health or

frown long enough until you're magically

looking at steamcharts.com and it fills

me with an endless Solas void wishing

for my own death and that's if you can

even bear how long it takes to install

the [ __ ] game you want to play

speaking of number four it takes the

latter half of your adolescent years for

Call of Duty to install

uh hey what's up man yeah you're taking

down the internet for the whole [ __ ]

apartment complex could you please get

off I mean Jesus Christ listen man I'm

just saying it's not that good number

five remasters of remasters of have my

[ __ ] shelf is remasters you know God

[ __ ] forbid the industry come up with

a new idea reboot this reboot that

reboot my foot up my own ass and charge

me 70 bucks The Last of Us was

originally released to critical Acclaim

and then re-released one year later to

critical Acclaim and then re-released

again in 2022 with a shiny new title and

the critics finally shot on it

just kidding it released a critical

Acclaim don't get me wrong I shotgun hot

cold cans of member berries just as much

as the next aging depressed tumbler fan

but we all roll over like a happy

[ __ ] puppy when we learn Publishers

want to charge us again for the same

[ __ ] game there's never been one

single re-release with bad reception

except for all of these titles and even

then they become the definitive

nickel but honestly kind of funny that

343 slapped what was basically a fan mod

texture pack on one of the most beloved

video games of all time and boxed it up

with its own artwork that looks like it

was copied from some 240p Xbox 720

console concept designed YouTube video

and patted themselves on the back and

said holy [ __ ] we are so [ __ ] awesome

that we're gonna focus on every single

wrong key area possible and [ __ ] all

over the Goodwill of the most patient

fan base in existence in perpetuity

games like the Master Chief collection

and ironically the new Last of Us Part 1

PC Port should have been NBA Street

Volume 2 style slam dunks where all they

had to do was not screw it up it took

Master Chief Collection almost five

years to be considered playable and I'm

sure the Last of Us Part One will go the

route of the GTA Trilogy Where marketing

will claim the game is fixed with a huge

patch even though it wasn't and promptly

abandoned since there's no battle pass

now I want to make something very clear

I want to play these old games I want to

be able to prove that I own a copy of a

game from another generation and be able

to play it no questions asked that's

just a little tight butthole called

backwards compatibility what would

simplify this mess emulate the game

instead of partying it number six why

can't PlayStation and Nintendo realize

they're back catalog with quality

emulation the Nintendo entertainment

system came out in 1983 and has about

720 games the Super Nintendo

entertainment system came out in 1990

and has about

1750 games the Sony PlayStation came out

in 1995 and has about 3060 games the

Nintendo 64 came out in 1996 and has

about 390 games one of them being

Ocarina of Time which Dylan won't shut

the [ __ ] up about in his mid at best the

PlayStation 2 came out in the sizzling

year 2000 and has a whopping 4 379 games

the Nintendo GameCube came out in 2001

and has about 652 games in total that's

roughly 10 900 games how many of these

games can you still play today one I'm

pretty sure Bandicoot 2 works pretty

good with an emulator Sony and Nintendo

both called me on the phone and said

shut the [ __ ] up you idiot God you're

stupid you don't even deserve to see

color you're so [ __ ] stupid the whole

world should be in black and white their

words not mine the fact that Sony and

Nintendo have so many IPS wasting away

will never make sense to me for the

jaded audience like me all I want is

access to the games during the era you

used to be cutting edge and exciting

compared to today everything is soft

rounded safe and monetized back in the

day fmvs were weird and experimental

gameplay never had a single rule as to

how it needed to be controlled and

creativity was at an all-time high now

today's bastions of creativity live on

the coked out Boards of 4chan or

overrealized over inflated overly

specific simulators launched on

Kickstarter such as eyebrow piercing and

butthole enema simulator number seven

all PlayStation games are c-tier AMC

dramas

you got games like God of War or Horizon

forbidden West sprinkle next to these

double a roguelikes such as fraternal

that's Sony's entire modern Library

here's my point a game doesn't have to

be a cinematic Masterpiece there's other

ways to keep a player engaged but it

can't be fun according to this guy this

guy and this guy Sony games are

cynically overproduced TV shows and to

illustrate that I'll introduce you to

Jeremy Jeremy has seen some Marvel

movies when he was a kid won't shut up

about breaking bad and unironically

watched some shows on the CW Jeremy is

going to play God of War Ragnarok and

Horizon forbidden West five times each

because everyone on Reddit is discussing

the lore of all the moments he was too

bored to focus on Jeremy also feels the

obligation to join constructive Reddit

threads about the merits of the 100

million dollar video game Jeremy also

pretends to have always loved Spider-Man

before buying the PS4 game Jeremy has

nothing to do with himself because he's

alone and undriven Jeremy has depression

Jeremy is going to re-watch Breaking Bad

a few more times and play God of War

again Jeremy has to move some install

falls off his secondary drive to the

internal drive and that's probably going

to take an hour Jeremy figures he'll try

a new video game like pizza Tower but

it's unfamiliar to him Jeremy can't

sleep at night Jeremy is going to play

Horizon forbidden West Jeremy overeats

Jeremy got rejected by the girl at work

Jeremy is going to join a forum for Sony

game fan fiction Jeremy is insecure and

feels like he's learned Nothing in life

Jeremy is going to binge watch Better

Call Saul Jeremy is going to play The

Last of Us Part Two Jeremy is

surprisingly still alive number eight

new original IPS are literally just

bio-mutant 5.5 out of 10. start a game

company and make a new IP know what

you're gonna make bio mutant it's a

halfway semi-decent creative idea that's

too ambitious to fully flesh out in a

satisfiable manner for any player and

everyone walks away full of empty

calories and says you can have pretty

Graphics you can have smooth gameplay

but the second you prioritize those two

things over an immersive and creative

gameplay Loop your EA Games challenge

everything this concept isn't new either

crucify my dick but Fable is a perfect

example of this the original Fable

Trilogy is exactly indicative of this

phenomenon I'm talking about engaging

visuals smooth enough gameplay and a

continuing complicated case of bulimia

those games had zero narrative worth

paying attention to zero gameplay

addicting enough to engage with the

world propped up with paint and plywood

and worst of all Peter molynew marketed

it connecting people together and

allowing them to tap on this massive

Cube and I said and I'm known for these

things I said there's something amazing

in the side number nine you

you be soft everyone knows Ubisoft games

or checklists they're the embodiment of

fetch quests and guilt through progress

bar Ubisoft ruined gaming they sucked

all the fun out level gated everything

calling it a [ __ ] RPG and turned

gaming from something exciting

challenging and inspirational into

something so rounded basic and

comfortable that it wouldn't be

surprising if the next Assassin's Creed

game came with a five dollar McDonald's

coupon

Ubisoft plus is an extremely appropriate

move for the company acting as yet

another layer of obligation for these

depressed and unfulfilled cubicle water

bags with wives who hate them to

distract themselves from the fact that

the child they had didn't fix their

broken Spirit bust out the wiki and walk

through Jon it's time to 100 the game

before your wife burns your dinner

here's a list of things you can buy with

that money instead an artisanal sandwich

15 things at the dollar store a second

phone line to hide the fact that you're

cheating on your wife or burning your

[ __ ] dinner get access to all the

upcoming Ubisoft games on day one

including their back catalog 14.99 a

month okay let's think about what kind

of value that money adds to your life

every service has to have a value ad

right okay what's the last great video

game you played truly great I'm willing

to bet that whatever game it was crack

90 on Metacritic how many games do you

think Ubisoft released that cracked 90

on Metacritic in the last 10 years go

ahead I'll give you some time to guess

I'll give you a hint it's one syllable

all right the answer is actually nine

games so if we divide that by one every

year we get almost a great game every

year oh just kidding the answer is

actually three so you're paying 15 a

month and you don't even get a coin

Flip's chance to play a great game that

year wow oh just kidding I lied the

answer is one one [ __ ] game and it

was almost exactly 10 years ago Rayman

Legends great game love this game more

people should have played it maybe I

should subscribe to Ubisoft yelling

aside that's based basically zero great

games a decade in case you're a high

school dropout subscribe to Ubisoft plus

playing number 10 Far Cry a billion Far

Cry 6 is the equivalent of those web

apps that show your percentage

progression through their curated

onboarding tutorials you know and once

you're done

[ __ ] it I don't know here's some [ __ ]

that's been around since just cause 2.

everyone on Reddit and Google Plus and

vote knows that Ubisoft released Far Cry

3 and said oh

[ __ ] yeah and then kept releasing the

exact same game for over 10 years here's

what you get in Far Cry 3 constant

shitty Random Encounters brain dead AI

an incomprehensible dog [ __ ] mess of a

story The Bottom tier worst crafting

mechanics known to game designers

horrible driving horrible quests a cop

out sandbox that everyone pretends is

super engaging to mess around with

because three guys recorded a few

quote-unquote

gifts on Reddit and a sincere lack of

anyone that gave a single [ __ ] about

getting it to Market Far Cry is a money

printer a money printer that requires a

lighting update once every four to five

years blood dragon might have been fun

but I stopped caring while I was writing

this sentence number 11 valve where

that

[Applause]

or you know where where are you valve is

legendary they've released some of the

most influential and critically

acclaimed games ever made and basically

lowered the barrier of entry for PC

gaming as a whole steam changed PC

gaming it unified all their products

mods and their Community they pumped

that storefront out released a bunch of

hats created entire economies and became

the first program any PC Gamer installs

when they're shiny new parts pre-built

Tower and gaming laptop arrived in the

mail a comfy portal rivaling that of the

blade era of the Xbox 360 dashboard oh

yeah Half-Life released in Holiday 1998

after forming just two years prior by

Future chungeloid Gabe Newell and Mike

Harrington it used a tantalizing

cocktail of In-House code and the

engines for both Quake 1 and Quake 2. it

blew Gamer's minds and gave them all

orgasms it's still a joy to play to this

day because of how immersive it actually

is and holds up very well in general

presentation with passion drive and a

lack of sleep all before everyone

cracked down on crunch culture

originating from people who actually

gave a [ __ ] about the games they

developed like Bungie creating Halo

valve created a masterpiece that holds

up today a few ports even released to

the Dreamcast and PS2 as well this is

where valve started and games like this

from new Studios just don't happen

anymore what was the last good brand new

IP from a freshly formed Studio

experiment 101 and bio mutant do we have

to go over that point again bio mutant

5.5 out of 10 after Half-Life valve just

put out bangers expansions commercial

packages of legendary fan made mods a

new physics engine that's totally not a

big deal didn't [ __ ] change the rules

of the industry or anything a 10 out of

10 sequel that sadly left without its

own 10 out of 10 sequel but the fanfic

Community gets a solid C plus a puzzle

game with a cute Cube that has probably

one of the most sleeper songs during the

credit scene that I'm pretty sure no one

except me has heard of trust me you

wouldn't be into it this was a Triumph

the Hat economy game the world's best

zombie horde game second only to back

for blood back back for blood

really honestly is the best

horde video game

what do you mean

well I mean clear it's got better

graphics it's got like

you can it has like modern Technologies

I'm gonna bomb this apartment I'll go I

can't talk I'm being serious right no

back for blood is better than left for

dead you're full [ __ ] shut the [ __ ]

up no the cards they're like visually

appealing no back for blood is better

than left for dead kill yourself League

of Legends but better than League of

Legends as informed by people I talk to

who sometimes played League of Legends

back in 2014 and a bunch of other cool

awesome [ __ ] that's industry leading

like Half-Life Alex how the wait are you

serious a bunch of this [ __ ] is VR Tech

demos how the [ __ ] was there a six-year

gap between this and are you serious

valve where the [ __ ] are you sure you've

got the steam deck and you fumbled

drunkenly back when you release the

Steam Machines but no other game

developer has such a solid and

consistent Community excitedly modding

your games making memes or whatever

except for maybe Bethesda but they just

ended up yelling at the Fallout engine

until it agreed to try to be a live

service if valve made an RPG any at all

and put it on Source it'd smack everyone

in the balls get those [ __ ] puzzle

dudes create new Concepts for exciting

new and engaging mechanics valve is the

closest thing we have to some kind of

Open Source game developer if they put

out anything at all maybe the

conversation would shift away from

companies like Ubisoft or Activision or

number 12 EA squandered EA sports

EA sells sports games fit's got a turf

or a court or a field EA's got a game

for it most of these games are released

yearly with game breaking bugs broken

Cloud Integrations that completely wipe

multiplayer season progress and the

battle pass to end all battle passes

Ultimate Team it's a loot box game mode

what's a loot box a loot box is a slot

machine that's it you pay money you play

the slots every video game actually had

them for about three years until some

people bitched about CS go and Star Wars

Battlefront 2. it's a racket to take

advantage of the potential gambling

addicts in the previously untapped

Market of literal [ __ ] children you

put money in you get athletes with

different ratings make your own team

with those athletes I don't know call it

an ultimate team you pay lots of money

get dispensed mostly [ __ ] until you

finally get a diamond and still get

stomped stacking your team against

people online because no amount of stats

is gonna hide the fact that the only

word in your vocabulary is bruh before

all of this Ultimate Team loot box

chicanery there existed experimentation

excitement and fun one under an actual

EA label and that label was EA Sports

big NFL Street SSX NBA Street FIFA

Street these games really made you feel

like you were Batman these games totally

captured the spirit of extreme sports at

the time the X Games were everywhere and

Doritos were going ape [ __ ] with all

their flavors so EA put out a

snowboarding game where you can flip

your character in every direction jump

off painted metal ramps and

unrealistically grind on a chain link

fence SSX was very well reviewed so they

capitalized on that with a little remix

but let's just go ahead and call it a

sequel SSX tricky this game was Bonkers

there was no limit to what could be

described as a trick hands feet and log

defying physics were everywhere all

while the game blasts run dmc's It's

Tricky the insanity doesn't end there's

a DJ that's scratching records and

announcing your tricks you're doing the

worm or turning into a helicopter and

this game was [ __ ] hard AI is

aggressive and fast learn those

shortcuts because you're gonna need them

also be prepared to restart the

[ __ ] trick events until you

actually land that triple Rodeo Uber

trick while nabbing the goddamn times 5

multiplier ssx3 is objectively better

though seamless snowboarding

mountaineering from Peak 3 to Peak One

with DJ atomica was dope as [ __ ] NFL

Street was the other game I played a lot

as a kid I loved football and NFL Street

loved me it was a fast-paced and

wonderfully exaggeratingly animated

version of the sport and it was easy to

pick up and play the game was unfairly

challenging towards the end of the

career mode since it relies so heavily

on in-game stats but that just made it

more fun to fully max out a character in

the way you intended the outfits are a

complete joke but exaggeration was key

here your characters jump a million

goddamn feet in the air to catch a ball

every movement is definitely big play

this game with your friends and every

play is going to be a screaming match

games need to be as intense as this

these days and they just aren't and as

far as I'm concerned NBA Street holds

the crown of being the only sports game

in the world to make chain counters fun

it's basketball but with all these

little moves that consume turbo and add

to a meter called the game breaker score

a bunch of moves back to back before

making a sick dunk your opponent is

going to [ __ ] a brick cause they are

[ __ ] the game breaker makes you op as

hell for one play and can take points

away from your opponent while you score

some buffoonery that does not exist in

modern gaming scoring points has never

been as fun as in these EA Sports big

games the overall presentation and feel

of these games is still downright

exhilarating while they are not in

contention for being the best

competitive games in the world you could

argue that their nature of being easy to

pick up and relatively easy to master

was what sold the entire experience

speaking of which number 13 not enough

easy to pick up easy to master games

thanks to the fact that every game these

days is connected to the [ __ ]

internet try hards are always finding

new and innovative ways to measure their

dicks every game is competitive which

means if you want to master a game good

luck mastering that game against the

millions of players trying to master the

game the skill distribution is literally

a bell curve so if you want to be really

good chances are you never will be but

if you go back in time to play something

like ssx3 you never had that constant

element of the skill ceiling changing on

you the AI or game was hard coded and

you could breach their ability

definitively I would 100 put money on

the fact that Gamers today are way more

insecure about their gamer abilities

than they were 20 years ago gone I say

gone are the days of trying to impress

other awkward people by proclaiming

you're a epic gamer now everyone just

plays fortnite on their phones while

watching GTA 5 role play streams in the

background get up Joshua dinner was

ready 40 minutes ago also your dad found

out about your progress report so start

crying Hydro Thunder hurricane crash

team racing all those Nintendo

Platformers Spyro the Dragon Halo

campaigns Rhythm games like Guitar Hero

and rock band spend enough time in these

games and you almost certainly would

become very good you might not top the

leaderboards on speedrun.com but you

almost always reached a sense of Nirvana

playing a game efficiently with great

mechanics in a trance-like state those

tricks and SSX that you land that just

net you the three question mark man

that's a good feeling do you get the

same feeling play Modern Warfare 2

Search and Destroy no who cares if

you're slightly better than a seventh

grader indie games May scratch the sitch

but I got a bone to pick with them

number 14 every indie game is a color

blocked low poly roguelike too many

indie games or roguelites and have a

pastel color block aesthetic and our low

poly solely for the sake of monostalgia

that's it that's the point number 15 all

games are still made for PS2 I don't

have a lot to say about this category

but console Generations are too long the

one that felt the longest was the gap

between the Xbox 360 and the PS3 jumping

to the Xbox One and PS4 truth be told

gaming still felt pretty shitty to play

on Console during that period that was

the best ERA to be a PC Gamer so you

could brag to your friends that you have

things like a high refresh rate monitor

and a liquid CPU Cooler that you won't

maintain at all gaming on consoles got a

huge quality of life improvement with

this latest generation of series

consoles in the PS5 but most games are

still developed with the previous

generation in mind game makers are

constantly sacrificing Cutting Edge

technology for people stuck in the past

and granted it may be a difficult

situation to get out of but I don't care

Innovation is important damn it number

16 digital sales are complete

[ __ ] digital sales ruined physical

sales most of the time when you buy a

console game there's nothing on that

disc other than a license and the

uncaring Blu-ray letters staring back at

your worthless fat face buy a game

digitally great you'll get to play it

forever right oh

to keep this point short you should be

able to buy a license for something and

use it indefinitely relying on cloud

servers to stay online forever for me to

download the game My will 20 years from

now is obviously [ __ ] because one

day the servers will be gone so that's

why I opt to buy the physical games so

imagine my frustration when these

[ __ ] just put key codes in the

box and call it a day nailed it my Xbox

discs will be worthless one day since

all they're good for is a digital

license or maybe a broken pre-pre-alpha

version of cyberpunk 2077 burn to them

or some [ __ ] like that number 17

everything is a Discord bot

[ __ ] Discord the UI sucks the

notifications are [ __ ] annoying every

server has like a billion asinine rules

everyone on there is terminally online

it doesn't know what the concept of

having the life or grass is and every

server has that one channel where all it

does is spew out bot generated garbage

that exactly zero percent of people care

about but one moderator enabled the bot

because they thought it would be cool

get off Discord let's all go back to

Skype and number 18. thanks to the

[ __ ] internet gaming is now a job you

need to keep up on multiplayer meta

balance changes game sales mil Sim

Discord Clans DLC what games are

functional which are completely broken

and which platform that's applicable to

grinding battle passes moving games

around your drives because these

companies turned you into your own

personal [ __ ] librarian for their

uncompressed audio files and fan made

Wiki instructions on how to play these

obtuse janky games made in unity with

poorly made or zero to tutorials gaming

is not fun it's an obligation it's

maintaining broken relationships with

people on Discord who have BPD so you

have someone to play chivalry with once

every two months it's grinding out a

battle pass because developers paywall

satisfying multiplayer progression it's

staring at your own library for 30

minutes unable to decide what to play

next installing uninstalling and moving

games from drive to drive it's a

transparent memory of something that was

exciting it's cynical it's the opposite

of fun it's over