How To Express Yourself Authentically without Hurting Others, Rehearsing & Losing Connection

Summary

The video script explores the concept of authenticity and its impact on communication. It challenges the notion that being true to oneself necessarily involves expressing anger or beliefs without question. The speaker suggests a shift in perspective, visualizing others as teammates to foster a sense of shared vision and curiosity. This approach promotes connection, reduces defensiveness, and encourages open, compassionate dialogue. Authenticity is presented as a natural state of being, free from the need to protect one's self-image, allowing for genuine expression and the discovery of common ground.

Takeaways

• 🔒 Authenticity is about being real and true to your beliefs, but it's also important to question if those beliefs are based on truth or assumptions.
• 🙅‍♂️ People often avoid expressing authenticity due to fear of conflict or disconnection, which can lead to pretending and lying.
• 🤝 Authenticity can be achieved by creating a safe space for connection, regardless of whether you like or dislike the other person.
• 🕵️‍♀️ A simple trick for authenticity is to visualize the other person as being on your team, facing the same situation together.
• 🤔 Approaching conversations with curiosity and a place of not knowing can help to reduce assumptions and foster authenticity.
• 👀 When we believe our point of view needs defending, it can lead to conflict; authenticity comes from a place of openness and exploration.
• 👂 Listening with genuine curiosity allows for a deeper understanding and response, which is key to authentic communication.
• 💡 Authenticity can unfold naturally when competition and the need to protect one's self-image disappear.
• 🌟 Even without formal communication training, being in a state of teamwork and common intention can lead to effective and authentic communication.
• 🌱 Authenticity is a natural state that requires no effort; it is soft, loving, spacious, compassionate, and unhurried.
• 🧘‍♂️ Embracing authenticity involves being aware of one's stories, beliefs, and the imagination, allowing for a return to a blank state which is our true nature.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the video script?

The main theme of the video script is about authenticity and how to be authentic in communication without fear of conflict, by viewing the other person as part of the same team and exploring the situation together with curiosity and openness.

Why might people avoid being authentic in their interactions?

People might avoid being authentic due to past negative experiences where authenticity led to conflict or discomfort. Over time, they may decide that being authentic is not safe and choose to pretend to avoid trouble, thus losing their authentic expression.

What does the script suggest as a method to foster authenticity in communication?

The script suggests a method of visualization where you imagine the person you are communicating with as being on your team, standing shoulder to shoulder, and looking at the situation together with a common vision, which fosters a sense of unity and reduces defensiveness.

What is the definition of authenticity mentioned in the script?

The script mentions that authenticity is defined as being real and true to your beliefs.

How can our deeply held beliefs potentially hinder authenticity?

Our deeply held beliefs can hinder authenticity if they are based on assumptions that we are not aware of. When we express these beliefs as absolute truths without questioning, it can lead to disconnection and conflict.

What is the role of curiosity in being authentic according to the script?

Curiosity plays a significant role in authenticity as it allows us to approach situations without preconceived notions or defensiveness. It enables us to explore and understand the situation together with the other person, fostering a sense of teamwork and openness.

Why is it important to question the use of absolutes like 'always' and 'never'?

Questioning the use of absolutes is important because they can limit our perspective and understanding of a situation. They may not accurately reflect reality and can prevent us from being authentic and open to different viewpoints.

How does viewing the other person as part of your team help in communication?

Viewing the other person as part of your team helps in communication by creating a sense of unity and shared purpose. It reduces the likelihood of conflict and promotes a collaborative approach to understanding and resolving issues.

What is the benefit of approaching a situation with a 'detective-like' mindset?

A 'detective-like' mindset encourages curiosity and a search for truth without preconceived notions. It allows for a more authentic expression of thoughts and feelings and can lead to deeper understanding and connection.

How can authenticity lead to more effective communication?

Authenticity can lead to more effective communication by creating an environment of trust and openness. When people are not afraid to express their true thoughts and feelings, it fosters deeper connections and more meaningful conversations.

What is the final goal of authenticity as described in the script?

The final goal of authenticity, as described in the script, is to embrace and be aware of what is happening within oneself, including the stories and beliefs, and to come from a blank state which is one's true nature, allowing for a soft, loving, spacious, compassionate, and unhurried approach to life.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 The Challenge of Authentic Expression

The first paragraph discusses the struggle with being authentic due to past negative experiences that led to the belief that authenticity is unsafe. It suggests that people often hide their true selves to avoid conflict, which results in a loss of genuine connection. The speaker proposes a shift in perspective on authenticity, moving away from expressing anger or beliefs without questioning their validity. The goal is to find a safe space for authentic communication that fosters connection rather than division, even when expressing difficult truths.

05:01

🤝 Embracing Teamwork in Authenticity

The second paragraph introduces a technique for authentic communication by visualizing the person you're communicating with as being on your team, facing the same direction. This approach encourages a shared vision and curiosity, reducing the defensive stance that often accompanies disagreements. By adopting a stance of not knowing and exploring the situation together like detectives, one can express oneself authentically without the fear of protecting personal viewpoints. This method promotes compassion, relaxation, and open listening, which can lead to a more profound understanding and potentially discovering shared intentions.

10:03

🧘‍♂️ Authenticity as a Natural State

The final paragraph emphasizes that authenticity is a natural state that involves being aware of one's thoughts, emotions, and beliefs without being bound by them. It suggests that by recognizing and letting go of stories and beliefs about the past and future, one can return to a blank state that is inherently compassionate and spacious. Authenticity in this context means expressing feelings without blame, which is possible when both parties feel like they are on the same team. The speaker highlights that authenticity is not about rehearsing what to say but allowing words to flow naturally from a place of connection and curiosity.

Keywords

💡Authenticity

Authenticity in the context of the video refers to the state of being true to one's own personality, spirit, or character without any pretense. It is central to the video's theme, emphasizing the importance of genuine self-expression and connection with others. The script discusses how authenticity can be perceived as risky, leading to a tendency to suppress it in favor of safety. However, it argues for the value of embracing authenticity to foster deeper connections and more meaningful interactions.

💡Connection

Connection is a key concept in the video, highlighting the importance of establishing and maintaining a bond with others. It is closely tied to authenticity, as being genuine allows for more profound and meaningful relationships. The script suggests that when we express ourselves authentically, even in challenging situations, it can lead to stronger connections rather than causing disconnection.

💡Beliefs

Beliefs are the convictions or opinions that guide an individual's actions and decisions. In the video, the concept of beliefs is explored in relation to authenticity, questioning whether our deeply held beliefs are based on truth or assumptions. The script challenges the audience to consider the foundations of their beliefs and how they might affect their ability to be authentic.

💡Assumptions

Assumptions are presuppositions made without conscious reasoning or evidence. The video discusses how our beliefs might be based on assumptions that we are not aware of, which can hinder authenticity. It suggests that recognizing and questioning these assumptions can help us to express ourselves more genuinely.

💡Pretend

Pretend is the act of making a false representation of a situation or feeling. In the video, pretending is presented as a common response to the fear of expressing authenticity, which can lead to a loss of genuine expression and connection. The script encourages viewers to move beyond pretending and to embrace their authentic selves.

💡Safe Space

A safe space in the video is a metaphorical place where one feels secure to express oneself without fear of judgment or negative consequences. The script talks about the importance of creating this internal safe space to foster authenticity and connection, suggesting that it can help individuals to share their true selves more freely.

💡Curiosity

Curiosity, as discussed in the video, is an attitude of eagerness to learn or know more about something. It is presented as a way to approach situations with an open mind, which can facilitate authenticity. By being curious, individuals can explore their own feelings and the perspectives of others without the defensiveness that can come from fixed beliefs.

💡Compassion

Compassion is the feeling of empathy and understanding towards others. The video suggests that when we approach interactions from a place of curiosity and authenticity, compassion naturally arises. This leads to more open and honest communication, enhancing the connection with others.

💡Teamwork

Teamwork in the video is used metaphorically to describe the collaborative mindset needed for authentic communication. By viewing the other person as part of the same team, facing a situation together rather than in opposition, it becomes easier to express oneself authentically and to find common ground.

💡Creativity

Creativity is the use of imagination or original ideas to produce something new. The script mentions creativity as a tool for finding common intentions and desires with others, suggesting that when we let go of the need to protect our self-image, we can be more creative in our communication and problem-solving.

💡Awakening

Awakening in the video refers to a state of heightened awareness and consciousness. It is related to the process of letting go of preconceived notions and self-identity to embrace authenticity. The script implies that awakening can lead to a more genuine and open form of self-expression.

Highlights

The importance of authenticity and its impact on connection with others, even if they are liked or disliked.

The idea that authenticity may be suppressed due to past negative experiences and the perception of safety.

Authenticity is defined as being real and true to one's beliefs, but the question is raised about the validity of those beliefs.

The potential disconnection that can occur when expressing authenticity based on unexamined beliefs.

The common tendency to lie or avoid expressing true feelings due to the fear of conflict.

The suggestion to approach authenticity by viewing the other person as being on the same team.

The visualization technique of standing shoulder to shoulder with the other person to foster a sense of unity.

The concept of finding a common vision to approach situations from a place of curiosity and not knowing.

The idea that authenticity can lead to a more relaxed, soft, and unhurried state of being.

The benefit of increased listening and responding authentically from a place of curiosity.

The notion that authenticity comes from a place of no fear and no need to protect one's point of view.

The potential for discovering important insights when approaching conversations with an open mind.

The idea that even without formal communication training, authenticity can naturally unfold when connected in the right way.

The emphasis on creativity and commitment to finding common ground and intentions in conversations.

The transformative power of authenticity in ending the need to protect one's self-image and identity.

The opportunity for authenticity to be expressed in every conversation, both internal and external.

The final message that authenticity is a natural state of being, characterized by softness, love, spaciousness, and compassion.

Transcripts

foreign

how to be authentic

how to be authentic

maybe you've tried it in the past and

things didn't go so well

maybe things got a little bit messy

and so

over time we decide

our authenticity

is not safe

and read better

pretend

to stay out of trouble

and so we lose that authentic expression

and today I want to share with you

not about

really techniques about authenticity and

how to say things and

some communication skills but simply

how to put yourself back into that safe

space

and that is

how to share or how to be authentic

so that connection with this other

person remains

and it doesn't matter if it's someone

you like or don't like

when something needs to be said

it can be said

and expressed in the way

that leads to more connection than

before

I looked up the definition of

authenticity

at some point

and it said

that it means to be real

and true

to your beliefs

and this is how most pre how most people

approach authenticity

it's like oh

I have the right to be angry and now I'm

gonna tell you all about it

but what if our beliefs

are not based on truth

what if our deeply held beliefs

are based on some assumptions

that we don't know they are assumptions

so we believe them hundred percent to be

true

and we have all the evidence in the

world

that shows us that we are truly

believing the right thing

it's just that when we express our

authenticity

it leads to disconnection

and so we continue to pretend

and lie

even though a lot of people don't want

to admit it

it's just those

how are you doing I'm fine those little

lies

even though you're feeling some

emotional or financial emergency

we say things like always and never

without questioning

really

is it really happening this way

or that way or is there at least one

exception in your life

but back to the trick a little trick

that you can do

to be authentic

and it has nothing to do with what you

say

so that means that you don't have to be

thinking about it and rehearsing it in

your mind

and of course then it doesn't come with

all that regular guilt tripping

afterwards which takes all of your time

it is a simple

way of looking at the situation from the

right perspective

and

it involves a little bit of a

visualization

to put ourselves in that right

perspective

and so imagine that you need to say

something to somebody and you know

that it might lead to conflict

and so you avoid it you'd rather not say

it you'd rather not express your desires

or your needs

or how you really feel about it

because you believe that not saying it

will somehow lead to more peace in the

future

and that's of course not the case

and so whenever you talk to somebody

and you need to be authentic in that

situation

which really why not all the time

imagine in your mind

that this person

is on your team

and you're standing together shoulder to

shoulder

and you are looking at the situation

both together

so you are essentially not facing each

other and trying to have this debate

back and forward

your standing shoulder to shoulder

and you have this one Vision in common

and I want you to find this common

Vision that you have both of you

and then

be simply looking at this situation from

this space

from this space of curiosity

from this place of not knowing

because when we think you know we have

so much assumptions

running in our heads and we think we are

right and we have all the evidence

and without it

there is this freshness unfolding

which allows us to be authentic

because the way we express ourselves

it doesn't come as a fight as a war it

doesn't come from a space from defending

my point of view because I don't know

what my point of view is

we are looking at this situation

together and we are exploring it like

two detectives like two professional

detectives we are exploring the

situation

and from that space

compassion

comes up

from that space you might notice that

you feel more relaxed and more soft

more unhurried

maybe you listen a bit more because you

are actually really curious what they

say

you're able to hear what they say so

you're able to respond

You're simply staying very open

and detective like

and you are also able

to express yourself authentically

because from this space anything that

you say is authentic because there is no

fear

of trying to protect my point of view

all the conflict comes from that from

trying to protect your self-image

but when there is nothing to protect

you're able to really see

and perhaps they have something to say

that you would completely Miss before

because of your story

and perhaps you discover something

that's

important for both of you

being on the same page

or negotiating from this place

and yes if you had some

communication workshops and I read a lot

of books about communication

oh this will come so handy at this point

because now you will know exactly what

to say and how to say it

but even without it

I know people who never studied any

communication

tips and skills and when they are

connected

in this way

I'm like

hey what you're saying is completely

just taking out of of a book

how do you do that and it's just

something that happens

it is something that unfolds when we are

from that space

when competition disappears

and when there is just a teamwork

because I guarantee you if you can be

creative enough you will find a common

ground you will find a common

intention

you will find that what you both truly

desire is actually the same

and the rest

it's just

the test

of your

creativity

and your commitment

to Awakening

which is the end of trying to protect

that falls

self-identity

that is so sneaky

and the opportunity is in every

conversation

whether it happens with the apparent

other

or if it just happens in your head

and it saves you time

because you never need to know what to

say in advance

it is a space for magic to unfold

let your own words surprise you

expressing yourself authentic

authentically

is

sharing your feelings

either with yourself or with them

without the blame

and that only happens

when you are on the same team no matter

of the situation

because when you are not on the same

team in your mind

and you are somehow a little bit

Superior to them or a little bit

inferior

what happens is that

all your great intentions

for peace

will only

bring

more suffering

and so

being authentic

is your nature

being authentic is really embracing and

being aware of

what's happening

not outside but also

in your imagination

of the stories

and beliefs

the past and the future

so you can eventually collapse it and

come from a blank state

which is

your true nature

you don't have to go very far

it requires no effort

it is soft

loving

spacious

compassionate

unharried

and allowing