The secret of a successful relationship: get your needs met elsewhere
Summary
TLDRDr. Orion terban teilt in diesem Video die Geheimnisse eines erfolgreichen Beziehungslebens mit. Er erzählt von einem Mentor, der ihn dazu inspirierte, seine Erwartungen an eine romantische Beziehung zu überdenken. Statt nach einer Frau zu suchen, die alle seine Interessen teilt, empfiehlt er, diese Bedürfnisse in anderen Beziehungen zu erfüllen und sich in einer romantischen Beziehung auf die unverwechselbaren Aspekte zu konzentrieren, die nur eine Frau bieten kann. Dieses Konzept hat sein Dating-Erlebnis verbessert und ermöglichte ihm, zufriedenstellende Beziehungen mit unterschiedlichen Frauen zu führen.
Takeaways
- 😇 Das Geheimnis eines erfolgreichen Verhältnisses wurde durch eine Unterhaltung mit einem Mentor 15 Jahre zuvor entdeckt.
- 🤔 Der Sprecher suchte nach einer Partnerin, die seine Interessen und Niveau erfüllte, und war frustriert, weil er selten jemanden fand, der diesen Kriterien entsprach.
- 💡 Der Mentor fragte, warum der Sprecher über Quantenmechanik mit einer Frau sprechen möchte, was ihn dazu brachte, seine Vorstellungen von einer Beziehung zu überdenken.
- 🔄 Der Sprecher entschied, seine Beziehungsbedürfnisse zu analysieren und festzustellen, welche nur in einer romantischen Beziehung erfüllt werden könnten.
- 🚫 Er entschied, Bedürfnisse, die in anderen Beziehungen erfüllt werden könnten, nicht von einer romantischen Partnerin zu verlangen.
- 🌟 Die Kriterien, die für eine romantische Beziehung übrig blieben, waren Sexualität, ausreichende körperliche Anziehungskraft und Weiblichkeit.
- 🧐 Der vierte Kriterium war, dass die Frau 'unverletzlich' sein sollte, also keine zusätzlichen Probleme verursachen, die die Befriedigung der anderen Kriterien mindern würden.
- 💔 Respektlosigkeit ist ein unumstößliches Gesetz in Beziehungen; 'unverletzlich' bedeutet mehr als bloß respektvoll zu sein.
- 👥 Historisch wurden Beziehungsbedürfnisse in erweiterter Verwandtschafts- und Gemeinschaftsnetzwerken erfüllt, was weniger Erwartungen an Ehen setzte.
- 📚 Der Sprecher empfiehlt, seine eigenen Bedürfnisse zu überprüfen und zu entscheiden, welche in sexuellen Beziehungen mit Frauen einzigartig erfüllt werden können.
- 💌 Ermutigung, die Botschaft weiterzugeben, da sie für viele Menschen von Nutzen sein könnte, und die Möglichkeit, den kostenlosen Newsletter oder eine kostenpflichtige Beratung zu buchen.
Q & A
Was war das Geheimnis, das Dr. Orion terban 15 Jahre ago gelernt hat?
-Das Geheimnis, das Dr. Orion terban 15 Jahre ago gelernt hat, betrifft die Grundlage für eine erfolgreiche Beziehung, das durch eine Unterhaltung mit einem Mentor entstanden ist.
Was war das Hauptproblem, über das Dr. terban sich beim Mentor beschwert hat?
-Dr. terban beschwert sich über das mangelnde Angebot zufriedenstellender Frauen auf dem Dating-Markt, die sein Niveau erreichen oder sich mit den gleichen Interessen wie er auseinandersetzen könnten.
Was war Dr. terbans ursprünglicher Erwartungsniveau an einer Beziehung?
-Dr. terban wollte eine Frau, mit der er über Themen wie Quantenmechanik, Shakespeares Literatur, Wildniss-Backpacking und spirituelle Erleuchtung sprechen konnte.
Was war die zentrale Botschaft des Mentors zu Dr. terbans Beschwerden?
-Der Mentor riet Dr. terban, bestimmte Interessen wie Quantenmechanik mit anderen, nicht notwendigerweise mit einer Frau teilen zu wollen, und sich auf die Bedürfnisse zu konzentrieren, die nur in einer romantischen Beziehung erfüllt werden können.
Wie hat sich Dr. terbans Herangehensweise an das Dating nach der Unterhaltung mit dem Mentor verändert?
-Er hat sich entschieden, Bedürfnisse, die in anderen Beziehungen erfüllt werden könnten, nicht von einer romantischen Partnerin zu erwarten und sich stattdessen auf die einzigartigen Bedürfnisse zu konzentrieren, die in einer romantischen Beziehung erfüllt werden sollten.
Was waren die drei Hauptkriterien, die Dr. terban für eine romantische Beziehung festgelegt hat?
-Die drei Hauptkriterien waren: 1) Sex, 2) ausreichende körperliche Attraktivität, 3) Weiblichkeit.
Was ist das vierte Kriterium, das Dr. terban hinzugefügt hat?
-Das vierte Kriterium ist, dass die Frau 'unwiderstehlich' sein sollte, also keine zusätzlichen Probleme schaffen sollte, die von den anderen drei Kriterien abweichen würden.
Was bedeutet es, 'unwiderstehlich' in diesem Kontext?
-In diesem Kontext bedeutet 'unwiderstehlich', dass die Frau nicht respektlos, unzuverlässig, eifersüchtig, bedenklich oder klagend sein sollte, da solche Verhaltensweisen die Vorteile einer Beziehung untergraben könnten.
Wie hat sich die Anwendung dieser Kriterien auf Dr. terbans persönliche Beziehungen ausgewirkt?
-Die Anwendung dieser Kriterien hat dazu geführt, dass Dr. terban Beziehungen mit Frauen hatte, die zwar nicht die beeindruckendsten oder talentiertesten waren, aber die am wenigsten 'widerstehlich' waren, was die Beziehungen langfristig zufriedenstellend und stabil gehalten hat.
Was ist das Hauptthema des Buches 'The Value of Others', das Dr. terban erwähnt?
-Das Hauptthema des Buches 'The Value of Others' ist das wirtschaftliche Modell von Beziehungen, das das Verhalten von Männern und Frauen im 'Mating Game' erklärt und praktische Ratschläge für die Erreichung und Aufrechterhaltung von Beziehungen im sexuellen Markt bietet.
Was ist der Hauptrat von Dr. terban für die Zuhörer, basierend auf seiner Erfahrung und Auffassungen?
-Der Hauptrat von Dr. terban ist, dass man seine Bedürfnisse und Wünsche in anderen Beziehungen erfüllen sollte, die dies ermöglichen, um die romantischen Beziehungen zu vereinfachen und sich auf das Wesentliche zu konzentrieren.
Outlines
🤔 Selbstreflexion im Beziehungsrat
Dr. Orion terban teilt in diesem Abschnitt seine Erfahrung mit dem Geheimnis eines erfolgreichen Beziehungslebens, das er 15 Jahre zuvor entdeckte. Er erzählt von einem Gespräch mit einem Mentor, der ihn dazu brachte, seine Erwartungen an eine Partnerin zu überdenken. Er reflektierte, welche Bedürfnisse er in einer romantischen Beziehung erfüllen lassen wollte und stellte fest, dass die meisten dieser Bedürfnisse auch in anderen Beziehungen erfüllt werden könnten. Dies führte ihn dazu, seine Kriterien für eine romantische Beziehung zu reduzieren und sich auf diejenigen zu konzentrieren, die nur in einer sexuellen Beziehung mit einer Frau erfüllt werden könnten.
💡 Kriterien für eine erfolgreiche Beziehung
In diesem Paragraphen definiert Dr. terban seine vier Kriterien für eine erfolgreiche Beziehung: Sex, physische Anziehungskraft, Weiblichkeit und Unverletzlichkeit. Er erklärt, dass Sex für ihn das wichtigste Kriterium ist, was er aus einer romantischen Beziehung mit einer Frau erhalten kann, was er in seinen anderen Beziehungen nicht findet. Die physische Anziehung ist für die kontinuierliche sexuelle Begierde und die Vermeidung des Bedauerns entscheidend. Weiblichkeit ist die weiche Seite der Frau, die in einer romantischen Beziehung zum Ausdruck kommt. Und Unverletzlichkeit bedeutet, dass die Frau keine zusätzlichen Probleme schafft, die die Beziehung beeinträchtigen könnten. Er betont, dass Unverletzlichkeit für eine langfristige Beziehung entscheidend ist.
🌐 Rückkehr zu traditionellen Beziehungsmustern
Dr. terban schließt mit der Idee, dass moderne Menschen möglicherweise von der Geschichte lernen können, in der Beziehungen in kleinen Gemeinschaften stattfanden und die Bedürfnisse der Menschen in verschiedene Beziehungen verteilt wurden. Er argumentiert, dass die Erwartungen an romantische Partner heute oft zu hoch sind, da wir erwarten, dass sie die gesamte soziale Unterstützung bieten, die früher aus einer gesamten Gemeinschaft kam. Seine Empfehlung ist es, die Bedürfnisse, die in anderen Beziehungen erfüllt werden können, dort zu befriedigen und sich in romantischen Beziehungen auf die unverwechselbaren Aspekte zu konzentrieren, die diese Art von Beziehung einzigartig machen.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Beziehung
💡Erfolg
💡Mentor
💡Selbstreflexion
💡Intelligenz
💡Gemeinsame Interessen
💡Sexuelle Beziehung
💡Physische Anziehung
💡Femininität
💡Unverletzlichkeit
💡Respekt
💡Persönliche Entwicklung
Highlights
Dr. Orion terban discusses the secret to a successful relationship, learned from a mentor 15 years ago.
The secret was sparked by a conversation about dissatisfaction with the dating market and the desire for a partner with shared interests.
Dr. terban initially sought a woman who could engage in intellectual and adventurous pursuits similar to his own.
The mentor challenged the idea of needing a woman to discuss topics like quantum mechanics, suggesting finding a male friend for such discussions.
The advice led to a reevaluation of what Dr. terban wanted from a romantic relationship, focusing on needs that could only be met within that context.
A list was made of needs previously sought in romantic relationships, questioning if they could be met elsewhere.
The realization that most needs could be satisfied outside of a romantic relationship simplified Dr. terban's dating criteria.
Dr. terban decided to only seek in a woman what he could not get in any other relationship, reducing his criteria to three or four essential things.
This approach improved his success in meeting satisfactory women and allowed for relationships with different kinds of women.
The criteria included sex, physical attraction, and femininity as needs unique to a sexual relationship with a woman.
A fourth criterion emerged as 'inoffensiveness,' meaning the woman should not create additional problems or detract from the relationship's benefits.
Dr. terban emphasizes that being inoffensive is key to long-term relationships, as it prevents unnecessary issues.
The concept of 'inoffensiveness' extends beyond respect to include not being rude, withholding, unstable, envious, or judgmental.
Dr. terban's book, 'The Value of Others,' delves deeper into his economic model of relationships and provides actionable advice.
The book challenges the modern expectation of a romantic partner fulfilling the roles of an entire community or village.
Drawing from history, Dr. terban suggests that having fewer expectations in a relationship can make it more sustainable.
He encourages men to examine their own needs and wants, and to meet those that can be satisfied elsewhere, simplifying romantic relationships.
The approach of expecting less from women paradoxically makes relationships more sustainable, according to Dr. terban's experience.
Dr. terban invites listeners to share their thoughts and experiences in the comments and to spread the message to others who might benefit.
Transcripts
I'm Dr Orion terban and this is psyx
Better Living Through psychology and the
topic of today's short talk is the
secret to a successful
relationship this is something that I
learned about 15 years ago the secret
that I'm about to reveal was actually
sparked by a conversation I had with a
mentor of mine and I'd like to begin
this episode by sharing that anecdote
with you so here I was in my mid-20s and
I was complaining to this mentor of mine
about the apparent lack of satisfactory
women in the dating Market basically I
was looking for a partner and I was
having trouble finding women who could
meet me at my level or at the very least
who could engage me in the sort of
things in which I was authentically
interested and after all wasn't that the
point of a
relationship I remember telling this man
that I wanted a woman who I could talk
to about quantum mechanics and who read
Shakespearean literature and who enjoyed
Wilderness backpacking and who was
interested in Enlightenment in spiritual
discipline
I mean these were the things that I
liked so why should I settle for
anything less unfortunately I found that
it was very rare to find a woman I was
attracted to who was interested in even
one of these things let alone several of
them and after allowing me to vent my
spleen for a while this Mentor looked at
me and I'll never forget what he said he
said
Orion why the would you want to
talk to a woman about quantum
mechanics and this phraseology of course
was very helpful in that it shocked me
out of my pre-existing mindset and left
me open to hearing his explanation which
was basically this look if you want to
talk about quantum mechanics that's your
right I suppose but find a guy to do
that with you don't need a woman to talk
about quantum mechanics you need
somebody who's knowledgeable about
quantum mechanics which could be a woman
but doesn't have to be a woman you
understand you're free to do what you
want Orion but you should take care
about about what you go about wanting
from a
woman and after hearing this explanation
it was like a light bulb went off above
my head and it inspired me to reexamine
my approach to dating from a very
different angle and the angle was this I
listed out all the things that up until
that time I had wanted to get from a
romantic relationship things like
someone who is my best friend or who
shared my intellectual passions or who
held similar interests or who res at
with my core values Etc I listed out all
of the things and I asked of each of
these things one question namely could
this need be satisfied in the context of
any other relationship on the planet
outside of a sexual relationship with a
woman and in the vast majority of cases
the answer to that question was yes yes
this particular need could be satisfied
in a different kind of relationship ship
this could have been a professional
relationship among colleagues or a
familial relationship with relatives or
a friendship with male buddies or an
acquaint ship with activity Partners or
even a moment of connection with a
fellow human being it could have been
any of these things and I made a
decision right then and there that
moving forward if I could get a
particular social or emotional need met
outside of a sexual relationship with a
woman then I would get that social or
emotional need met elsewhere and as a
result I would only bring to a woman
with whom I was interested in having a
sexual relationship the needs and wants
that I either could not or would not get
satisfied in any other relationship I
could possibly have with any other
person on the
planet as you might expect this
dramatically simplified what I was
looking for in a woman from literally
dozens and dozens of things to just
three or four things and this one
intervention possibly more than anything
else in my life has not only
significantly improved my hit rate in
meeting satisfactory women but has
allowed me to have satisfying
relationships with radically different
kinds of women as well these things are
set in stone and completely
non-negotiable but anything outside of
these
criteria is completely up for grabs this
allows me to consider the broadest
possible subset of women who still meet
the minimum necessary criteria for a
relationship if you appreciate the
insights on this channel I would highly
encourage you to get your hands on a
copy of my book the value of others over
the course of 432 pages I delve deep
into my economic model of relationships
and explain the behavior of both men and
women in the game of mating IND
I also provide a lot of actionable
advice on how to get and keep more of
what you want in the sexual Marketplace
once you read the value of others you'll
never look at relationships the same way
again now available in ebook audiobook
and paperback formats the links are in
the
description all right so what were those
few things I'm so glad you asked first
and foremost as might be expected was
sex as a heterosexual man sex was the
number one thing that I could get from a
female romantic partner that I couldn't
get anywhere else just as I prioritized
earnings in my professional
relationships as these were the only
relationships in which I received income
I began to prioritize sex in my sexual
relationships as these were the only
relationships in which I could receive
that good in this Segway into need
number two she needed to be sufficiently
physically attractive to me to both
consistently desire sex from her
otherwise what was the point of the
first Criterion and to prevent the
feeling that I could have done better
basically I needed to be able to walk
into the vast majority of rooms without
feeling that I would rather have some
other woman on my arm and this is
because I knew that I wouldn't be able
to stay in the relationship long term
if that wasn't the case sometimes you
have to be real with yourself even if
your reality isn't particularly socially
flattering the third Criterion was
femininity that sweet softness that is
particular to women with whom you're in
an intimate relationship as it would be
inappropriate for even that same woman
to really lean into that dimension of
herself in say a purely professional or
platonic relationship ship outside of
escorts which I had made a decision not
to use I reasoned that these three needs
could not be satisfied outside of a
sexual relationship with a
woman however my experience with dating
women had taught me that these three
criteria were not enough I had dated
several very sexual attractive and
feminine women who absolutely destroyed
my peace of mind and quality quity of
life so the fourth and final Criterion
was that she be inoffensive meaning that
the woman didn't create any additional
problems that would detract from the
benefit that I would acrew from the
satisfaction of the other three
criteria women inoffensiveness is the
key to being selected for a long-term
relationship with men when I look over
my life the women with whom I've had the
longest most satisfying relationships
were not particularly impressive or
superlative they weren't the hottest
women I had dated or the cleverest or
the most accomplished they were the
least offensive it might sound weird to
say but we stayed together because there
was never any reason not to that is they
satisfied the first three criteria
without creating any unnecessary issues
that would have invalidated the
fourth as I've previously mentioned you
absolutely must never disrespect the man
with whom you'd like to have a long-term
relationship disrespect is the
unbreakable rule but being in offensive
means more than just not being
disrespectful it means not being rude or
withholding or unstable or envious or
judgmental or complaining etc etc like
no matter how hard no matter how hot you
are and how sweet you act and how good
you these behaviors cancel out so
many of the other benefits that you may
actually be providing as I've said
before for a woman to love well she must
first clarify her love by removing all
the other things that aren't love that
are subject to getting mixed up with her
expression of love the fact of the
matter is that in order to keep a man a
woman needn't be good but she absolutely
can't be
bad in any case this was just the
product of my own examination you men
out there can examine your own needs and
wants and consider which of them can be
uniquely satisfied in sexual
relationships with women irrespective of
the details the advice is the same do
what you can to get those needs and
wants met in any other relationship that
could possibly do so this is because it
will almost certainly be easier cheaper
and more enjoyable to get those needs
and wants met
elsewhere doing so radically simplifies
your relationships and helps you focus
on what your relationships are really
about it also comes with the added
benefit that if you only want a few
things from women it's going to be much
harder for women to disappoint you I
appreciate that it can sound bad to
expect less of women but I do think this
helps make relationships more
sustainable and I think it does this by
approximating the way that intersexual
relationships including marriages have
existed for thousands of years for most
of human history people had existed in
extended kin networks and lived in small
tribes or Villages people had meaningful
relationships with scores of people
however with the Advent of the nuclear
family and the dissolution of
communities we often expect our romantic
Partners to be an entire Village which
just isn't possible people used to get
more of their needs met elsewhere so
there were fewer expectations for their
marriages maybe we modern folks can take
a page from our Collective
histories what do you think does this
fit with your own experience let me know
in the comments below and please send
this episode to someone who might
benefit from its message because it's
Word of Mouth referrals like this that
really help to make the channel grow and
anyone looking to join my free Weekly
Newsletter or book a paid consultation
can do so on my website
links in the description as always I
appreciate your support and thank you
for listening
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