The Power of Self-Awareness | William L. Sparks | TEDxAsheville

Summary

Will Sparks shares a transformative experience with Dr. Jerry B. Harvey that deepened his understanding of self-awareness. Sparks emphasizes that true self-awareness involves confronting one's 'shadow'—the darker, less acknowledged aspects of oneself. He argues that embracing this shadow is essential for personal growth and transformation, challenging the culture that focuses solely on strengths. Sparks reflects on the importance of constructive feedback and the courage it takes to face one's imperfections, ultimately leading to liberation and enlightenment.

Takeaways

• 🔍 Self-awareness is critical for personal effectiveness and potential, as well as for connecting and collaborating with others.
• 🌟 Our culture often narrowly defines self-awareness as knowing and playing to our strengths, but it's only half the equation.
• 🌑 True self-awareness also involves understanding one's 'darkness' or weaknesses, not just the 'light' or strengths.
• 📚 Dr. Jerry B. Harvey introduced the concept of the 'shadow', highlighting the importance of recognizing and dealing with one's darker aspects.
• 🎓 The speaker's experience with Dr. Harvey was a turning point, demonstrating the power of confronting one's shortcomings and the discomfort of true self-awareness.
• 📝 The speaker's initial arrogance and ego were challenged by Dr. Harvey, leading to a deeper understanding of self and the dysfunction in his failed marriage.
• 🤔 Acknowledging one's role in personal failures is difficult but necessary for growth, as the speaker eventually realized Dr. Harvey was right about his contribution to his marriage's problems.
• 💬 Constructive feedback, even when it's uncomfortable, is essential for personal development and should be given without fear of the recipient's reaction.
• 🛤️ Personal transformation requires the courage to face one's shadow, embracing both the positive and negative aspects of oneself.
• 🚫 Avoiding self-awareness by staying in the 'shallow end' of only recognizing strengths prevents the deep, disruptive growth that comes from confronting one's weaknesses.
• ❓ The speaker challenges the audience to reflect on their own 'F in life' story, encouraging them to acknowledge and embrace their shortcomings for true enlightenment and growth.

Q & A

What is the main theme of Will Sparks' talk?

The main theme of Will Sparks' talk is the power of self-awareness, emphasizing its importance for personal growth, emotional management, and effective collaboration with others.

Why does Will Sparks believe that self-awareness is critical for personal effectiveness and potential?

Will Sparks believes self-awareness is critical because it helps individuals manage their emotions, triggers, and connect effectively with others, which are essential for reaching one's highest potential.

What does Will Sparks criticize about the current culture's understanding of self-awareness?

Will Sparks criticizes the culture for narrowly defining self-awareness in terms of only recognizing and celebrating one's strengths, which he argues is only half of the equation.

What concept did Dr. Jerry B. Harvey introduce to Will Sparks that had a profound impact on his self-awareness?

Dr. Jerry B. Harvey introduced Will Sparks to Carl Jung's concept of the 'shadow,' which represents the darker, less acknowledged aspects of one's personality.

What was the subject of Will Sparks' final paper in his first class with Dr. Harvey?

Will Sparks wrote his final paper on the dysfunction of codependency in his failed marriage, from his own perspective.

How did Dr. Harvey's feedback during their one-on-one meeting initially make Will Sparks feel?

Dr. Harvey's feedback initially made Will Sparks feel deflated, embarrassed, and as if he had been punched in the stomach.

What grade did Will Sparks receive on his paper, and what was Dr. Harvey's critique of his life?

Will Sparks received an A on his paper, but Dr. Harvey gave him an 'F' in life, pointing out his role in creating the dysfunction in his marriage.

What was the turning point for Will Sparks in his understanding of self-awareness?

The turning point for Will Sparks was when he admitted to himself that Dr. Harvey was right about his shortcomings, leading to a sense of liberation and the beginning of true self-awareness.

What are the three takeaways from Will Sparks' experience that he believes can be applied by others?

The three takeaways are: 1) True self-awareness can be painful but is necessary for growth, 2) There is a moral obligation to give constructive feedback to others, and 3) Personal transformation requires facing and embracing one's 'shadow' or darker aspects.

How does Will Sparks define 'shadow' in the context of self-awareness?

In the context of self-awareness, Will Sparks defines 'shadow' as the darker, less acknowledged aspects of one's personality that need to be faced and embraced for true personal growth.

What does Will Sparks suggest is the consequence of not facing and embracing one's 'shadow'?

Will Sparks suggests that not facing and embracing one's 'shadow' can lead to a lack of personal growth and transformation, as well as a continued state of self-deception and avoidance of self-awareness.

Outlines

00:00

😌 The Power of Self-Awareness and the Shadow

Will Sparks introduces the concept of self-awareness, emphasizing its importance for personal growth and effective interaction with others. He critiques the modern narrow definition of self-awareness that focuses solely on recognizing one's strengths. Sparks recounts an influential experience with Dr. Jerry B. Harvey, who introduced him to Carl Jung's concept of the 'shadow' during his graduate studies. Sparks' arrogance and personal challenges, including a divorce, are highlighted, setting the stage for a transformative learning experience.

05:03

😳 A Profound Encounter with Constructive Criticism

Sparks describes a pivotal interaction with Dr. Harvey, who challenges him to look beyond his academic work and personal narrative about his divorce. Dr. Harvey's unfiltered feedback forces Sparks to confront his own role in the marital dysfunction, offering a grade of 'B-' on Sparks' self-assessment and an 'A' on his paper. The experience is a humbling one, as Sparks grapples with the realization that his perception of himself and his situation may be skewed.

10:03

😡 Facing the Shadow: A Personal and Professional Wake-Up Call

Dr. Harvey confronts Sparks with the harsh truth of his personal shortcomings, giving him an 'F' in life and accusing him of creating the dysfunction in his marriage. He criticizes Sparks' manipulative tendencies and inability to accept responsibility. Despite the emotional turmoil, Sparks eventually acknowledges the truth in Dr. Harvey's words, leading to a moment of self-realization and the beginning of personal transformation.

15:05

🌟 Embracing the Shadow for True Growth

Sparks concludes by sharing three key takeaways from his experience with Dr. Harvey: the necessity of embracing discomfort for true self-awareness, the moral obligation to provide constructive feedback, and the importance of facing one's shadow for personal transformation. He encourages the audience to confront their own 'F in life' stories, suggesting that acknowledging and embracing one's darker aspects can lead to liberation and enlightenment.

Keywords

💡Self-awareness

Self-awareness is the conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires. In the video, it is portrayed as a critical component for personal growth and effectiveness. The speaker emphasizes that true self-awareness involves not only recognizing one's strengths but also understanding one's weaknesses or 'darkness.' It is foundational for managing emotions, triggers, and connecting with others authentically.

💡Strengths

Strengths refer to one's natural talents or developed abilities that can be leveraged to achieve success. The speaker mentions that our culture tends to focus on identifying and celebrating these strengths, which is part of the self-awareness equation. However, he argues that this is only half the story, as it overlooks the importance of acknowledging and understanding one's weaknesses.

💡Shadow

The 'shadow' is a concept from Carl Jung's psychology, referring to the unconscious aspect of the personality which the conscious ego does not identify with. In the video, the speaker discusses the importance of recognizing one's shadow to achieve true self-awareness. The shadow includes the darker, less desirable traits that one might have, which are essential to confront for personal growth.

💡Codependency

Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship pattern where one person enables or controls the other. In the script, the speaker's failed marriage is described as having codependent dysfunction, where he felt responsible for everything and made all decisions, leading to an imbalance in the relationship and its eventual breakdown.

💡Abilene Paradox

The Abilene Paradox is a concept introduced by Dr. Jerry B. Harvey, which describes a situation where a group collectively decides on a course of action that no individual member actually prefers, but everyone goes along with it to avoid conflict. The speaker mentions this concept as part of his academic studies and relates it to the broader theme of self-awareness and the importance of not just following the leader but understanding one's own thoughts and desires.

💡Constructive Feedback

Constructive feedback is communication intended to help someone improve by pointing out areas that need work. The speaker believes there is a moral obligation to provide such feedback, even if it is uncomfortable or may cause a negative reaction. He shares an experience where he received harsh but ultimately enlightening feedback from Dr. Harvey, which led to significant personal growth.

💡Transformation

Transformation refers to a profound change in form, appearance, or character. The video suggests that true personal transformation can only occur when one has the courage to face and embrace their shadow. The speaker's realization of his own faults and the subsequent changes he made in his life exemplify the transformative power of confronting one's darker aspects.

💡Ego

Ego is the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity. In the video, the speaker's 27-year-old ego is portrayed as initially resistant to feedback and self-reflection, but eventually, it becomes a catalyst for acknowledging his faults and beginning his journey towards self-awareness.

💡Personal Growth

Personal growth is the process of improving and developing as a person. The video emphasizes that true personal growth requires facing uncomfortable truths about oneself. The speaker's experience with Dr. Harvey and the subsequent self-reflection led to a deep understanding of his shortcomings and the beginning of his personal growth.

💡Courage

Courage is the ability to do something that frightens one; bravery. In the context of the video, courage is highlighted as essential for facing one's shadow and embracing one's weaknesses. The speaker's decision to confront his own faults, despite the pain and discomfort, is an act of courage that leads to liberation and growth.

💡Liberation

Liberation is the act of setting free from confinement or external control. The video describes the speaker's moment of realization as not only painful but also liberating. By acknowledging his faults and the role he played in his failed marriage, he experiences a sense of freedom from the constraints of his previous self-perception.

Highlights

The power of self-awareness is critical for personal effectiveness and potential.

Self-awareness is foundational in connecting with others and managing emotions.

Our culture has narrowly defined self-awareness, focusing only on strengths.

Knowing your strengths is only half of the self-awareness equation.

Understanding one's 'darkness' is as important as celebrating one's 'light'.

The speaker's transformative experience with Dr. Jerry B. Harvey.

Dr. Harvey's introduction of Carl Jung's concept of the 'shadow'.

The Abilene Paradox as a metaphor for self-censorship in organizations.

The speaker's initial arrogance and subsequent humbling by Dr. Harvey.

The importance of acknowledging and confronting one's role in failures.

Dr. Harvey's unorthodox feedback method to provoke self-reflection.

The speaker's realization of his own contributions to his failed marriage.

The moral obligation to provide constructive feedback to others.

Personal transformation requires facing and embracing one's shadow.

The experience of liberation after acknowledging one's faults.

The challenge to the audience to confront their own 'F in life' story.

The call to courage in facing one's imperfections for true growth.

Transcripts

my name is will sparks and I want to

talk to you about the power of

self-awareness

I believe that self-awareness is

critical for not only reaching our

highest personal effectiveness in

reaching our highest potential it's also

critical in the way we connect with

others the way we're able to collaborate

manage our emotions manage our triggers

self-awareness is foundational I believe

for reaching our highest potential

unfortunately I believe our culture has

narrowly defined self-awareness today to

talk about it in only terms of your

strengths know your strengths play to

your strengths we live in what I call a

strength finders culture everyone gets a

trophy and that's an important part of

the self-awareness equation but knowing

your strengths is only half of that

equation it's only half if you're going

to celebrate your light you have to also

understand the darkness your darkness my

darkness so what I want to talk to you

about this evening is an experience that

I had twenty-two years ago at the hands

of the late dr. Jerry B Harvey during my

graduate studies when he not only

dramatically increased my self-awareness

he introduced me to call Young's concept

of the shadow in 1996 I started the

doctoral program at George Washington in

organizational behavior and development

and I was going to study under dr. Jerry

Harvey those of you some of you may know

his classic movie and article the

Abilene paradox the Abilene paradox is

essentially a kind of follow-the-leader

syndrome we get into in business

organizations everyone nods in agreement

with the leader I'm sure you all can

relate to that

and we self-censor what we really think

and what we really want to say and Jerry

said we would get on the road to Abilene

following the leader it's grounded in

classic codependency dysfunctional so I

was thrilled to be going moving up to

the big city of Washington DC studying

under the great dr. Jerry Harvey his

books were the textbooks and my master's

program I just finished my masters in

organizational psychology I was beyond

excited I was 27 I was arrogant brash

full of ego ready to take on the world

there was one small problem there was a

fly in the ointment and that was I was

going through a divorce but my friends

and family had assured me that what

doesn't kill you makes you stronger I'm

gonna compartmentalize this get through

it and I'll go on to hopefully do great

things

so my very first class in that program

was with dr. Harvey and I decided to

write my final paper on the dysfunction

of codependency in my failed marriage

from my perspective so I wrote this

paper I turned it in the last the last

class he handed out the grades is one of

these classes where you had to sit in a

circle I hated that class because

there's nowhere to hide and now I teach

those classes but at the time I hated it

and so he's handed out the final grades

and dr. Harvey started with the person

directly to my right and he went around

the circle handing everyone their final

grade and he got to me and I'm looking

up at dr. Harvey and he's staring down

at me and in front of the entire class

he says son you're going to need to come

to see me for your grade and the class

winced I mean you could hear this ooh

not good so the next day his office hour

started at 4:00 p.m. I was there at 358

and I knocked on his door and dr. Harvey

who referred to himself as a

bible-thumping Southern Baptist was

reading the Bible

without even looking up he just pointed

at the chair across from his desk and I

took the took my seat nervous anxious

ready for the bad news to be to be

candid when he literally finished

chapter and verse he turned to me and

said William son what are we here to

talk about and I said well dr. Harvey

I'm here to talk about my paper and he

said nope let's try this again

son what are we really here to talk

about and in my is called young calls it

the fog of illusion my 27 year old ego I

thought hmm I suspect professor Harvey

would like my feedback on his class it's

a wrong answer but I gave it and it both

irritated and amused him but mostly

irritated him and I'll give you the

pg-rated version of what he said back he

says essentially said son let me be

really clear with you I don't give a

damn about your experience in my class

or your feedback I'm going to ask you

one more time however before I fail you

from this class son what are we here to

talk about with that I thought well at

this point I have nothing left to lose I

might as well take my medicine get out

of here and go back to Charlotte North

Carolina

so feeling deflated I said well dr.

Harvey I guess we're here to talk about

my divorce and a little slag ran crossed

his mouth and he said I'll give you a

b-minus on that answer because son we're

here to talk about you and he held that

stare and that point for just a second

too long and I remember thinking this is

going to hurt and it did I won't bore

you with all of the details but

essentially he said tell me how this all

happened and I gave

the version from my perspective we were

both from a small town we had been high

school sweethearts we had started out as

equal partners going to take on the

world and little by little this

dysfunction of codependency took root in

our marriage I felt like I was

responsible for everything making all of

the decisions I wanted an equal partner

I wanted someone to push me to challenge

me and all of that eroded and over the

years that we were together it unraveled

in this classic dysfunction he nodded in

agreement with some of the things I said

he winced in agony with others but after

I had finished he said well son let's

end the suspense I've got good news and

bad news for you the good news is you

made an A on your paper and based on the

amount of red ink on that paper that

really surprised me because it looked

like his pen had exploded all over that

paper but I let that sink in I made an A

on my first paper with dr. Harvey in my

first class and that 27 year old ego and

shadow kicked in so he began to give me

some compliments about it's one thing to

know a subject but you have actually

emoted on it you've you feel the emotion

of it and you've cited all of these

sources you've gone back to the Greek

philosophers you've got Freud you've got

young you've got Frankel William one day

you can teach this and he continues to

give me accolades and this is probably

one of the most embarrassing parts of

the story if there is a most

embarrassing as he's giving me these

accolades my shadow comes right over me

and I began looking at his office

remembering the rumor I heard when I

first started the program dr. Harvey was

getting close to retirement

and he was looking for his successor

and the Dean had agreed that dr. Harvey

could pick one of his given his clout in

the field and I thought this is it

this is why I'm called into his office

it would be too painful for the rest of

the class most of which were much older

than me and had been in the program

longer to hear all of these acolytes

they've just be too hard for them and I

have literally looking out of his window

going to blocks aways the White House

you've got the quad right here I would

probably change the paint but overall it

feels good it fits and of course he's

setting me up and he sees that and right

when he's got me where he wants me he

clears his voice hmm I think to regain

my attention and focus he said but son

if you will recall I did say I had some

bad news and as I had been glancing

through my paper as he was giving me

feedback I noticed that at the very end

of the paper

he cited call young and I just glanced

at it thinking hey yeah that's right I'm

I'm now colleagues with Jerry he's just

appointed me and pretty soon it's good

old Carl he said let me remind you

though that I do have bad news and the

bad news is I'm gonna give you an F in

life dr. Harvey was a social

psychologist and he said son I agree

with you your ex-wife is codependent

that's highly dysfunctional your

assessment is accurate there's only one

thing worse and it's you you created

this dysfunction and you have the

audacity to come into my office and try

to manipulate me into colluding with you

that's for your family and friends to

tell you everything's going to be okay

my job is to hold up the mirror and show

you what you've done

he said play with me for just a moment

that's what he said play with me for

just

I bet that you had to have the last word

in every argument check I bet you gave

unwanted and unsolicited advice check

and he said I bet when you had an

argument you were always right which

makes her always wrong check and now you

expect me to feel sorry for you I don't

feel sorry for her and he said while

we've got this time together

let me give you just a little more

feedback and at this point I thought why

not you know bring it

I was deflated I probably had turned

white or green I literally remember

feeling like had been punched in the

stomach

he said I feel like I owe you one little

bit more of feedback son I don't think

you're going to graduate from this

program he said you've got a South

Carolina chip on your shoulder that's

going to make it virtually impossible

for you to absorb the kind of feedback I

plan to give you so I don't think you're

gonna get through past me was this quote

he said but I promise you this for

however long you're in this program if

you'll take that time and figure out why

the hell you had to do that to her

you'll get your money's worth out of the

program and do the rest of the world a

great big favor

whether you graduate or not and then he

turned his back and he opened back up

the Bible and began reading that's how

was dismissed and as I walked out of his

office just for good measure he began

humming Amazing Grace

so that night guess what I do call my

friends they meet me at a bar in

Northern Virginia we have more than a

fair share to drink they collude with me

they do exactly what I need them to do

we agreed that the great dr. Harvey

turned out to be the great hypocrite to

claim to be religious to claim to want

you to be vulnerable so he can help and

when you are too poor metaphorical salt

in the wound like he did was not only

unprofessional it was unethical it was

immoral everyone rallied around me what

a jerk

moved back to Charlotte thank goodness

you only spent the money for one

semester and not all the way through the

program you know yes it's an expense but

it could have been a lot more expensive

and I was going to move back to

Charlotte the next morning I woke up a

little bit later than normal with some

bloodshot eyes staring back at me and

out loud I literally said he's right

even when my friends were colluding with

me like I wanted them to at the bar I

knew there was something gnawing at me

that would not let me go he was right

not only did I admit that I realized

that he knew me better in three and a

half months than I knew myself that was

a defining inflection point for me and

that conversation stayed with me to this

day I still experience emotion telling

it dr. Harvey passed away in August of

2015 and he and I corresponded

frequently and I told him about this

article that is now a version of this

talk that I was publishing and also a

chapter for a book and how much I

appreciated the greatest gift anyone had

given me and he wrote me back actually

his wife had to type the email but it

was classic dr. Harvey he said William

for God's sake

I would hope by now you would know I

take no credit for any growth you've may

experience during your time with me nor

any blame for future regression

I believe that from this experience

there are three takeaways that I think

that we can all apply going forward and

the first is the recognition that the

kind of self-awareness I'm talking about

true self-awareness hurts it does not

comfort it disturbs and it disrupts and

that's why we avoid it that's why we

stay in the shallow end of the validate

me play to my strengths self-awareness

pool but if you truly want to grow and

develop and enhance your self-awareness

I believe you have to be willing to go

to the deep end so it does discomfort

and disrupt but it's in that disruption

that we're afforded an opportunity for

true growth and development the second

takeaway that I have from this

conversation that I try to apply is that

we have a moral obligation I believe to

give constructive developmental feedback

to those in our lives and so often and

I'm guilty of doing this too we don't we

sugarcoat the truth or we avoid it

outright we don't want to see that

person for reaction they won't be able

to handle that they're going to get

angry at me we have all of these excuses

to self-censor

the feedback that could be their f and

life story and a turning point for them

so I actually believe we have a moral

obligation to provide constructive

feedback to others and not care a little

bit less about how they react to it and

care a little bit more about this

obligation that we have the third

takeaway I have from this I believe that

personal transformation transformation

not incremental improvement but

transformation can only occur when we

have the courage to face our own shadow

to look at the dark as well as the light

and to see ourselves for who we really

are because when we do that even though

it was excruciating and very painful

that morning that I said out loud he's

right in addition to the sadness and the

guilt I also felt an incredible sense of

liberation to loosely quote call young

we don't become enlightened by trying to

be perfect many of us have been

socialized to believe that sit up

straight

be a good boy or a good girl make good

grades and that's important but it's

when we have the courage to acknowledge

and embrace that darkness that other

side I think is where true growth is

available to us so I'll close with this

question for you

we all have an F in life story on some

level what is your f in life have you

acknowledged it have you embraced it or

are you still hiding behind it hiding

behind your shadow trying to be perfect

what will be available to you when you

do have that courage to face it and to

embrace it

thank you

you