How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere
Summary
TLDRIn today's tech-driven world, many people struggle with starting conversations due to anxiety. This video breaks down a five-step framework to improve your social interactions and avoid common mistakes. Key steps include mental preparation, engaging openers, building deeper connections, maintaining interest, and ending on a high note. Emphasizing confidence, active listening, and genuine interest, the video provides practical tips to help you connect authentically with others, enhancing your personal and professional relationships.
Takeaways
- 😟 One in five people suffer from anxiety, making starting conversations challenging.
- 📱 Social media and dating apps have made starting conversations a lost skill.
- 🌉 Think of conversations as building a bridge to create authentic connections.
- 🧠 Step 1: Mentally prepare by visualizing a successful conversation.
- 👀 Step 2: Start with a relevant observation to the situation instead of generic openers.
- 🗣️ Use the REAL technique: Relate, Engage, Active Listening, and Let Them Shine.
- 📚 Discuss deeper topics like travel, hobbies, recent books, and personal goals to keep the conversation interesting.
- 😃 Step 5: Leave on a high note with a specific compliment and an invitation for future interaction.
- 📆 Follow up within 24 hours with a message mentioning something specific from the conversation.
- 🧩 BetterHelp can help build confidence and communication skills through therapy.
Q & A
What is the primary reason many people feel nervous or intimidated when starting conversations with strangers?
-One in five people suffer from anxiety, and the rise of technology, social media, and dating apps has made starting conversations with strangers a lost skill.
What is the first step in the five-step framework to improve conversations?
-The first step is to check out the landscape, which involves mentally preparing and visualizing a successful conversation before it starts.
Why is it important to have good posture during a conversation?
-Good posture, such as standing or sitting up straight, gives you confidence and helps you feel and appear more confident.
What should you avoid when starting a conversation to make it more engaging?
-Avoid using generic, boring openers like commenting on the weather. Instead, make an observation relevant to the situation.
How can referencing something from a person's social media or dating profile help in a conversation?
-Referencing something from their profile shows interest and provides an instant connection point, making the conversation more personal and engaging.
What is the REAL technique mentioned in the script, and what does each letter stand for?
-The REAL technique stands for Relate, Engage, Active listening, and Let them shine. It's a method to build a deeper connection during a conversation.
What common mistake should be avoided to keep the conversation flowing and interesting?
-Avoid turning the conversation into a self-centered monologue. Instead, find common ground, show genuine interest, actively listen, and let the other person express their feelings and passions.
What deeper topics can help expand a conversation beyond small talk?
-Deeper topics can include travel experiences, unique hobbies or skills, recent books or movies, personal goals or achievements, and interesting facts about your city or job.
What is the peak-end rule, and why is it important in conversations?
-The peak-end rule states that people remember experiences based on the most intense point (the peak) and how it ends. Ending a conversation on a high note ensures the interaction is remembered positively.
How can you leave a conversation on a high note?
-Give a specific compliment based on the conversation, plant the seed for a future interaction if desired, and express that you enjoyed the chat before leaving. This ensures the conversation ends positively and memorably.
Outlines
😨 Overcoming Anxiety in Conversations
The speaker discusses the common anxiety associated with starting conversations in today's technology-driven world, highlighting how social media and dating apps have eroded our ability to engage with strangers. They emphasize that avoiding five major mistakes can help improve interactions and potentially open doors to friendships, job opportunities, and romantic relationships. The first step is to mentally prepare by visualizing a successful conversation and maintaining good posture to boost confidence.
🧠 Preparing Mentally for Conversations
The speaker advises that mentally prepping before starting a conversation is crucial. This involves visualizing a successful interaction and maintaining a positive mindset. Confidence is key, and adopting good posture can help. The speaker reassures that feeling nervous is normal and encourages treating new acquaintances as potential friends or partners without overstepping boundaries. The importance of situational awareness and being present in the moment is emphasized.
👋 Starting Conversations Effectively
The speaker addresses common mistakes people make when initiating conversations, such as using generic openers. Instead, they suggest making relevant observations to engage the other person. This approach shows presence and interest, which helps in forming a connection. The speaker provides examples, like commenting on a unique drink at a coffee shop or referencing something from the person's social media profile to create an instant connection without appearing creepy.
🗣️ Keeping Conversations Engaging
To keep conversations interesting, the speaker introduces the REAL technique: Relate, Engage, Active Listening, and Let Them Shine. Relating involves finding common ground, engaging means showing genuine interest, active listening requires remembering key points, and letting them shine encourages the other person to share their passions. These steps help deepen the connection and avoid turning the conversation into a self-centered monologue.
🎯 Moving Beyond Small Talk
The speaker discusses the importance of moving past small talk to form deeper connections. Suggested topics include travel experiences, unique hobbies, recent books or movies, and personal goals. The goal is to show genuine curiosity and avoid turning the conversation into an interview. Keeping topics positive and fun ensures the conversation remains engaging.
🔝 Ending Conversations on a High Note
The final step is to end the conversation positively, leaving a lasting impression. The speaker explains the Peak-End Rule, where people remember the most intense moment and the ending of an interaction. To ensure a positive end, they suggest giving a unique compliment and expressing genuine enjoyment of the conversation. If interested in future interactions, plant the seed for a follow-up meeting. Leaving while the energy is high prevents the conversation from becoming dull and ensures a memorable interaction.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Anxiety
💡Social Media
💡Situational Awareness
💡Positive Visualization
💡Unique Openers
💡Active Listening
💡Confidence
💡Building Connections
💡The REAL Technique
💡Peak-End Rule
Highlights
One in five people suffer from anxiety, affecting social interactions.
Technology and social media have led to the decline of conversation skills.
A five-step framework is introduced to improve conversations.
Step one: mentally prepare and visualize a successful conversation.
Confidence is important; posture can enhance it.
Start conversations with relevant observations instead of generic openers.
Reference common experiences to build connections.
The REAL technique: Relate, Engage, Active listen, Let them shine.
Avoid self-centered monologues; focus on mutual interests.
Transition from small talk to deeper conversations by discussing meaningful topics.
The peak-end rule: end conversations on a high note for lasting impressions.
Provide genuine compliments based on the interaction.
Suggest future interactions casually to maintain interest.
Follow up within 24 hours to reinforce positive connections.
BetterHelp offers therapy services to improve communication skills and self-awareness.
Transcripts
if I told you to start a conversation
with everyone you met for the next 24
hours how would you feel nervous
intimidated well you're not alone
because one in five people now suffer
from anxiety and are struggling with
these feelings every single day you see
in this Modern Age of Technology social
media and dating apps actually starting
conversations with strangers is a lost
skill that's long gone so just like most
people you're most likely just making
these big five mistakes that are ruining
your interactions and if you ignore them
these could actually cost you potential
friendships your dream job opportunities
dates and so much more so in this video
I'm going to break down a simple
five-step framework that you can use to
avoid each mistake and to have amazing
talks with anyone and I'm going to keep
it simple I want you to think
differently about conversations instead
of a regular chat all right think of
every interaction as a chance to build
an authentic connection between you and
the other person think of it like
building a bridge that connects you to
the other side right and that's why step
one of the five-step framework is to
check out the landscape just like you
wouldn't start building a bridge without
first checking out the landscape you
shouldn't just jump into a conversation
without some mental prep or at least
situational awareness so here's what
you're going to do first just for a
second visualize a successful
conversation having a good time right
take a second and be like okay this is
going to go well I'm going to make this
person laugh we're going to have a good
time because when you hold that positive
mental image it's going to calm your
nerves a little bit and look everyone
gets gets nervous talking to new people
especially if you're not used to it
that's normal so don't think that you're
a loser don't think that you're stupid
that's just how today's society is
acting because it's not normal to talk
to people in person anymore and everyone
you meet is a potential great connection
you guys might be strangers now but this
person could literally become a
potential best friend a business partner
or even of course a romantic connection
right so when you see them act like
you're going to become good friends
don't go overboard and pretend like you
already know them you know everything
about them that's a little creepy but
remind yourself that nothing bad is
going to happen you're just having a
conversation you're just exchanging
ideas a technique that's known to work
is using great posture to your advantage
it's proven that standing or sitting up
straight gives you confidence so when
you're talking to someone remember not
to slouch keep your shoulders back keep
your chest out there's no need to be
unnatural and robotic right it's more of
a a subtle reminder that you're a strong
person and that you're confident but
remember that confidence isn't about
feeling 100% ready because at the end of
the day no one is ever 100% ready you
don't know what you're getting yourself
into when you're talking to a new person
it's about taking that first step even
when you're nervous okay now that you're
mentally prepped let's move on to
actually starting the conversation step
two is where you start laying the
foundation of your conversation bridge
and it's actually where most people mess
up big time you know they use generic
boring openers and it kills the vibe
from the start I mean how many times
have you heard someone come up to you oh
nice weather right it's boring man no
one cares everyone has looked outside
everyone knows what the weather is like
instead here's what you should do open
with an observation that's relevant to
the situation okay let's say you're at a
coffee shop and the Barista is making a
really crazy you know fancy drink make a
comment about the drink make a comment
about the Barista or make a comment
about the music that's playing in the
background and the reason why is that it
shows that you're present it shows that
you're observant and it instantly makes
the conversation more interesting also
you're both looking at the Barista
you're both listening to the same music
so so that is something that you have in
common even though you just met this
person and you have no idea what they're
all about or what their values are and
if the music comment for example starts
that conversation it's perfect right
because then you can pivot into asking
them what kind of music they like and by
the way there's an easy way of saying
that without being so generic like for
example what kind of genre is your
favorite that's kind of Corning but if
you say you look like you'd be into
Morgan Wallen did I get that right it
doesn't matter if you got it right or
wrong you immediately start building a
deeper connection with that person even
if they say no I don't even know who
Morgan Wallen is then you can just ask
all right well who's your go-to then and
that's a much better transition into
that topic remember the key is to keep
it natural keep it casual you're not
interrogating them right you're just
starting a friendly chat just like
laying down a smooth solid foundation
for that conversation Bridge also if
you're transitioning from online to
in-person interactions this is very
relevant nowadays right maybe you met
someone on Instagram or a dating app
right try reference referencing
something from their social media
account that you've seen or from their
dating profile because it shows interest
it gives you an instant connection point
just don't go overboard you know you
want to make sure that you look
thoughtful not like a stalker so a
couple of things that will absolutely
help you talk to strangers is one
building confidence in your
communication skills and two knowing
your core values and sticking to them
and the best way to do that best way to
work on those things together at the
same time is by talking to a
professional therapist sharing your
thoughts getting in the habit of having
open and honest conversations and our
sponsor better help is the easiest way
to get connected to a therapist who can
help you achieve those two things
simultaneously you sign up online you
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whether it's social anxiety relationship
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therapist will guide you through your
emotions through your feelings but
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who are you as a human being what do you
stand for what are you all about you're
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have a growth or a fixed mindset these
are all incredibly important for you to
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sessions as a phone call video chat or
even messaging if you prefer that so you
don't have to go in person it's on your
schedule it's the most practical way of
talking to a professional and getting
real advice about what's going on in
your life and you can always stop it if
you don't like it or you can swap to a
different therapist if you don't like
your first one which better help offers
free of charge if you're not happy with
yours for whatever reason so click that
first link in my description it's
betterhelp.com alexcosta and you'll even
get a discount on your first month but
now that you've started this
conversation most people struggle to
keep it going
enough to make a real connection right
how do you get deeper how do you make a
real connection out of small talk and
this opener and this is where things get
really interesting because step three is
all about building the support beams of
your conversation Bridge like be before
I dive into that by the way let's first
talk about the biggest mistake that
people make at this stage and that is
turning this interaction into a
self-centered monologue it's like when
you turn the conversation into
everything about me me me me so instead
it's actually important that you keep
the real technique in mind during your
interactions and here's how it works
first R stands for relate so as you chat
find common ground it's the same as
connecting the beams on both sides of
your conversation bridge for example if
they mention that you're they into
fitness they really like being healthy
and fit and you just started a new
workout routine or a new workout class
share your experience right you can say
something like oh I just started that
hit class that everyone's been talking
about here in New York City it's kicking
my ass but in a good way have you tried
it it's an easy easy way to relate to
that person and their values next e is
for engage so as you should already know
but you need to show genuine interest
during the chat unless you don't have
interest and at that point you should e
is for exit so make sure that you ask
follow-up questions to strengthen the
connection that you guys have a is for
active listening pay attention to
details don't just ask a question and
then kind of zone out while the person's
talking to you and you're just looking
at the ceiling looking around looking
with people going by right try to
remember the key points that they
mentioned
because you might want to Circle back to
that later and that's what creates that
true bond that true connection it shows
them that you care shows them that
you're listening and shows them that you
understand what they're talking about L
is for let them shine give them space to
express their feelings their passions if
they light up talking about something
encourage them to share more this rise
in energy level it shows that this is
something that this person really cares
about and it sets the stage for
something really important that happens
at the end of every interaction which
I'm going to explain at the end this
video because it's a really really
interesting technique but here's the
thing even if you've mastered the real
technique re e a l there are still two
more critical steps that can make or
break your entire conversation in fact
most people completely Overlook these
and it actually costs them potential
relationships life opportunities because
communication is everything so if you
want to know the secret to leaving a
lasting impression and making sure that
your conversation isn't forgotten as
soon as it's over you know that they
forget about you you're going to want to
pay close attention to the next two
steps so now that we've approached and
we built a strong foundation between us
right there's the support beams we're
building this bridge this analog is
getting old look it's time to get things
to the next level in fact step four is
where many people slip up and they cause
the conversation to kind of fizzle out
have you ever had that you're talking
it's going well and then it kind of just
like starts to die out and you're like
should I leave now what's going on we
started off well but I don't know how
it's going now it's like the crucial
phase where you either expand a deeper
connection or you get stuck in this
small Small Talk Loop and it's not
exciting at all it's the same
conversation that we've had a hundred
times about the weather about some
sports game or whatever it's so boring
you know it's interesting so a
psychologist named Nicholas Epley
actually found that people enjoy deeper
conversations way more than small talk
but most of us don't get there we don't
realize it so we stick to shallow topics
thinking you know this is my safe area
I'm going to stick to my safe area it's
like ordering a plain vanilla ice cream
or a vanilla latte when there's so much
more out there right try something new a
new flavor to get excited by So to avoid
this mistake and to keep things flowing
here are some deeper topics to have in
mind just to get things going obviously
you can talk about travel experiences if
you've been somewhere or if you're going
somewhere in the future that usually
gets you to connect and you can get to
understand a little bit more about that
person you can talk about your unique
Hobbies or unique skills or of course
that person's Hobbies or skills your
recent books movies or shows that you've
liked that just came out in the movie
theater personal goals or any recent you
know achievements without being braggy
without acting like a dick interesting
facts about your city or your job
anything that's recent that's going on
in your life but look the the key thing
is you're not interviewing them for for
a podcast or for a job so show genuine
curiosity about their experiences and
and what they're saying ask for their
opinions seek their advice you're trying
to connect with this person on a deeper
level you're not just vomiting a bunch
of things that you you heard on on
YouTube from this random guy on uh Alex
C the channel also make sure that the
topics that you discuss that they're
positive and that they're fun if you
feel like the conversation is starting
to drag first Don't Panic just change
the topic to something more fun
something more light-hearted now here's
where things get really interesting you
might think that by just having a great
conversation that that's enough but
there's actually a psychological trick
that can make or break how someone
remembers your entire interaction and it
all comes down to how you end things so
that's where step five comes in this
final step is about leaving on a high
note and making sure that your
conversation bridge is strong enough to
make sure that this interaction is not
forgettable right it's not like oh we
just talked about small talk for 20
minutes and then they left I don't even
remember this person's name I just know
the weather and to understand how
important this step is let me tell you
something scientists actually found this
pretty fascinating thing called the peak
and Rule basically people remember
experiences based on two key moments
moments the most intense point which is
the peak and How It Ends how it wraps up
this means that the way that you
conclude a conversation can make or
break how someone remembers your entire
interaction so if it started off really
well and then it just died off they're
going to remember that it just wasn't
that great but if it started off really
well and it started to di off and you're
like you know what I'm going to make it
more light-hearted and then I'm going to
leave that's the way to do it so to make
this better to make this easier I'm
going to give you a three-step process
that Masters this Rule and by the way
I'm giving you these rules as a beginner
guide right I don't want you to sit
there and look at your notes when you're
having a conversation three-step rule
okay cool let me look at real not it's
not about that it's just about getting
it started for your first conversations
over the next few weeks and then you can
let that go and it's just going to be
ingrained into your mind first when
you're wrapping up the conversation
start by giving a specific unique
compliment based on what you've
discussed so it could be you know hey I
got to say like I I really like the
passion that you have for photography
like you have great energy I can really
feel it really nice to meet you and
leave this creates that positive
emotional Peak right and the person is
going to remember that and if you want
to see this person again you can just
plant the seed for a future interaction
for a future meeting if it's something
that you want to pursue right so here's
the key make sure that it's relevant to
what you've talked about so you don't
want to come off as random or pushy for
example if you've been chatting about
coffee you might say you know I'm
definitely checking out this new coffee
shop that you mentioned next week if you
want to come let me know your Instagram
I'll hit you up I'll say send you a
message right maybe we can meet there
this leaves them with this like sense of
excitement for what's to come and it's
something that you already talked about
you talked about coffee so it keeps
things relaxed it was related to what
you're talking about and it's so low
effort you don't even really have to
think about it and to end it honestly
just Express how much you've enjoyed the
conversation be honest let them know
that you need to head out hey you know I
got to go I can't emphasize this enough
do not overstay your welcome don't start
the conversation off strong talk talk
talk talk talk connect and then let the
conversation die down until it becomes
boring make sure to leave on a high note
and it can be so simple just say hey
great chat I got to run now but let's
definitely continue this another time
and that's it it ends the interaction on
a high note it makes you look like you
got place to be you're busy you're not
just like lingering right it allows you
to leave while the energy is still up
still high as opposed to letting you
drag for too long and then you just kind
of like okay this isn't working I'm
going to leave that's that makes it
weird makes it cringey by the way if it
went really well and you want to meet up
again I highly recommend and this is for
romantic situations or going on a date
or whatever or business relationships
send him a follow-up message within 24
hours and in the message mentioned
something specific that you guys talked
about it shows that you were really
listening and it reinforces that
positive interaction that you've had and
guess what now you built a fully
functional conversation bridge to
interact with anyone anywhere anytime
but what if while you're having this
conversation a girl in the room keeps
looking at you check out this video and
I'll show you again exactly what to do
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