Why There’s So Much Conflict at Work and What You Can Do to Fix It Liz Kislik TEDxBaylorSchool 1
Summary
TLDRThe speaker emphasizes the importance of addressing underlying structures rather than merely focusing on people's behavior in conflict resolution. They share a five-step approach to tackle persistent conflicts, including recognizing structural issues, asking critical questions, ensuring alignment, seeking allies, and teaching new communication habits. Techniques like 'lizard listening' and 'elephant cards' are introduced to foster better understanding and dialogue, ultimately aiming to improve organizational and societal functioning.
Takeaways
- 🤔 Conflict is often attributed to individual behaviors, but it's more complex and rooted in underlying structures.
- 👥 The belief that conflict would disappear if people behaved better can perpetuate and escalate conflicts.
- 🏢 Conflict management is crucial in various settings, including businesses, non-profits, schools, families, and societies.
- 🔍 To solve conflict, one must delve deeper into the structures that contribute to it rather than just addressing surface-level issues.
- 👂 'Lizard Listening' is a technique to consider how our primal brain reacts to emotional cues and to communicate in a way that avoids triggering it.
- 🧐 The 'Evil Logic Check' encourages reevaluating perceptions of others, questioning whether they are truly evil or just misunderstood.
- 🐘 'Elephant Cards' are a tool for addressing uncomfortable truths or taboo topics in a group setting, promoting open and honest communication.
- 🤝 Building alliances and seeking support from others can be instrumental in implementing changes to resolve conflicts.
- 🛠 Teaching new habits for managing differences is essential to equip individuals with better communication skills during conflicts.
- 💪 Resolving persistent conflict requires courage, commitment, humor, and effort from all parties involved.
- 🌟 Understanding the root causes of conflict can lead to more effective collaboration and contribution in various social contexts.
Q & A
What is the common misconception about conflict?
-The common misconception is that conflict happens only between people, and if those people would just behave better, conflict would not exist.
Why does the belief that conflict is solely due to people's behavior often lead to more conflict?
-This belief leads to actions and words that exacerbate conflict, causing more damage to organizations and individuals.
What are the five steps suggested to fix conflict?
-The steps are not explicitly listed in the transcript, but the speaker mentions the need to look at underlying structures, manage up effectively, and teach new habits for managing differences.
What is the significance of looking at the structures underlying conflict?
-Understanding the underlying structures helps in addressing the root causes of conflict, rather than just the visible interpersonal issues.
How can teaching new habits for managing differences help in resolving conflict?
-New habits can help people deal with strong feelings and stressful thinking that conflict brings, leading to more effective communication and resolution.
What is 'lizard listening' and why is it important in conflict resolution?
-'Lizard listening' is a technique that reminds clients to consider how their words might be interpreted by others' amygdala, or 'lizard brain,' which can misinterpret emotional cues as physical danger. This helps in reframing conversations positively.
What is the purpose of the 'evil logic check' technique?
-The 'evil logic check' helps clients reconsider their perceptions of others by questioning whether someone they find annoying is truly evil, leading to a more compassionate understanding of their actions.
What are 'elephant cards' and how do they facilitate communication in conflict situations?
-'Elephant cards' are a tool used to bring up important but uncomfortable topics in a meeting. They allow anyone to initiate a discussion on previously undiscussable subjects, promoting open communication.
Why is it crucial to uncover and understand what's truly underneath any conflict?
-Uncovering the true underlying causes of conflict is essential for effective resolution and for enabling people to work together successfully for everyone's benefit.
What does the speaker suggest is necessary to help schools, workplaces, and civic organizations function better?
-The speaker suggests that uncovering and understanding the root causes of conflict is necessary to help these organizations function better and enable people to make their real contributions.
What qualities does the speaker mention are needed to work through conflict effectively?
-The speaker mentions that working through conflict requires courage, commitment, humor, and a lot of effort.
Outlines
🤝 Conflict Resolution Through Structural Understanding
This paragraph discusses the common misconception that conflict arises solely from interpersonal annoyances. The speaker emphasizes the importance of looking beyond surface-level irritations to the underlying structures that perpetuate conflict. They propose a five-step approach to address and resolve conflicts, starting with recognizing the problem with structures and ending with teaching new habits for managing differences. Techniques such as 'lizard listening' and the 'evil logic check' are introduced to help individuals navigate the emotional and cognitive challenges that conflict presents.
🐘 Addressing the Unspoken with Elephant Cards
The second paragraph introduces a tool for addressing uncomfortable truths or 'elephant in the room' issues within a group setting. The 'elephant card' is a mechanism that allows anyone to bring up important but undiscussed topics without directly confronting others. The speaker shares that this method has been effective in facilitating discussions that were previously considered taboo. The paragraph concludes with the speaker's belief in the necessity of understanding the root causes of conflict to improve the functionality of various social and organizational structures, advocating for courage, commitment, and effort in resolving persistent conflicts.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Conflict
💡Amygdala
💡Interpersonal Communication
💡Evil Logic Check
💡Elephant Cards
💡Structures
💡Performance
💡Productivity
💡Behavior
💡Allies
💡Techniques
Highlights
Conflict is often seen as something that happens between people.
People are the most visible part of conflict, but not the only factor.
A common belief is that conflict would disappear if people could work things out.
This belief can lead to actions that perpetuate conflict.
Conflict can affect businesses, non-profits, schools, families, and societies.
To solve conflict, one must look at the underlying structures.
Five steps are proposed to fix conflict.
The importance of managing up to improve performance and behavior.
The fifth step involves teaching new habits for managing differences.
Interpersonal communication problems need to be addressed.
Lizard listening is a technique to reconsider communication through the lens of the amygdala.
The evil logic check encourages rethinking negative labels about others.
Elephant cards are used to discuss uncomfortable but important topics.
Eliminating dysfunctional individuals is part of the conflict resolution process.
Asking the right people the right questions is crucial.
Ensuring alignment is key to resolving conflict.
Finding allies to help implement change is important.
Teaching specific techniques can improve communication.
Working through these steps requires courage, commitment, humor, and effort.
Uncovering the true underlying causes of conflict is essential for successful resolution.
Understanding and addressing conflict can help improve various organizations and societal functions.
Transcripts
we usually think
of conflict as something that happens
between
people
after all
who's there when things go wrong
people
and people can be
very
annoying
but they're really just
the part of the story that's easiest to
see
in almost 30 years of working with
employees at every level from warehouse
associates and service reps to ceos i've
seen over and over what happens when we
hold the mistaken belief
that conflict would not exist if those
annoying people
would just get themselves together
and work things out
unfortunately
when we operate out of that belief we
tend to say and do things that cause
conflict to persist
and to create even more damage to both
organizations and the people in them
and that's true whether we're talking
about businesses or non-profits
schools
even families and entire societies
if we want to solve conflict
we've got to do some digging
we have to look at the structures
that lie underneath the conflict
and i'm going to give you an example and
then five steps that you can take to fix
conflict wherever you are so we're able
to start managing up
in ways that created better performance
better productivity and definitely
better behavior
even within the executive team
and the fifth step
teach new habits for managing
differences i've talked about
the problems with
structures and how you have to recognize
them and what their impact can be
but from time to time
people do have significant interpersonal
communication problems so it only makes
sense to teach some new techniques and
habits
that can help people deal
with
the strong feelings and the stressful
thinking that conflict brings with it
here are just a few of the habits i
teach my clients
the first one
is called lizard listening
i remind clients that our amygdala
our ancient lizard brain
interprets immune emotional cues
as if they were present physical danger
even before we have a chance to assess
what's going on or interpret them
logically
i encourage them to reconsider
what they've just said or are planning
to say to their counterpart in conflict
and to think about what will happen
when that counterpart
filters the conversation
through their lizard brain
what
misconceptions
could come up inaccurate negative
beliefs
what could be misconstrued even
perfectly good intentions are there ways
to reframe those negatives
so that the next conversation can be
more persuasive and more positive
then we have the evil logic check
when somebody bothers us
we tend to think of them as a bad
person so when clients complain about
the bad people they work with i ask them
specifically if they think their
counterpart is evil and that's the word
i use because it's so strong
no no they have to step back
she's not really evil she's just
annoying
so then i press it a little bit further
and i ask
why would a smart person
do such a stupid thing this leading
question
helps people reconsider
what's really going on with that
annoying person and sometimes
in addition to the alternative
explanations for what they meant
they can even develop some compassion
for the annoying person's situation
because after all
when we label behavior as bad and stupid
it is usually coming from some form
of pressure
fear or threat
and then my favorite are these elephant
cards
sometimes there is something important
and true
that needs to be said
but it's too uncomfortable
most of us don't want to be the one
to put someone on the spot
we don't like to say something that
sounds unkind
it can feel like a real risk
to put undiscussable subjects on the
table
i distribute these elephant cords at my
facilitations
when there's something
important going unsaid
anybody in the room can play an elephant
card i have clients who are doing this
years later the very act of playing the
card
raises the possibility with other people
who understand the significance
that you can discuss topics which
previously would have been impermissible
okay
so
we have
ruled out dysfunctional individuals
we've asked the right people the right
questions
we've ensured that we have alignment
we've looked for allies to help us
implement the change and we've taught
some specific techniques so people feel
that they have a better way to
communicate with each other
now let me tell you
working through these five steps
it's not easy
it takes courage and commitment
it takes a little humor and it takes a
heap of effort to get traction on
persistent conflict
but if we are ever
going to help our schools
our workplaces
and our civic organizations function
better
if we want to help people make the real
contribution
that they can
we have to uncover and understand
what's truly
underneath
any conflict in any situation
then
we can help people work together
successfully
for everyone's benefit
wherever we are
thank you
[Applause]
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