6 reasons it’s hard to ask for what you want…

Summary

This video script delves into the common challenges of expressing personal needs, stemming from six key factors rooted in childhood experiences. It explores emotional invalidation, manipulation, unavailability, misattunement, poor communication patterns, and conditional love, and how these can hinder open communication as adults. The script encourages introspection and offers guidance on developing healthier communication to foster authentic relationships.

Takeaways

• 🤔 The script discusses the challenges many people face in expressing their needs due to various factors from their upbringing.
• 😔 Invalidation of emotions during childhood can lead to a belief that one's feelings are not valid, causing hesitation in asking for personal needs.
• 😖 Emotional manipulation can make individuals feel responsible for managing others' emotions, leading to guilt and a reluctance to express their own needs.
• 😶 A lack of emotional availability from caregivers can result in self-reliance and an inability to express vulnerability or ask for support.
• 😕 Misattunement in childhood, where caregivers fail to recognize or respond to a child's emotional needs, can lead to difficulty in identifying and articulating one's own needs as an adult.
• 😡 Witnessing poor communication patterns in the family can shape one's style of communication, making it hard to express needs directly for fear of being perceived as rude.
• 😨 Conditional love, where affection is tied to meeting certain expectations, can create a fear of rejection or abandonment, leading to indirect communication to avoid conflict.
• 🧐 The script encourages introspection and understanding the impact of family experiences to break free from unhealthy patterns and foster more authentic relationships.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Family dynamics play a significant role in shaping an individual's ability to communicate their needs, with various scenarios like emotional invalidation and manipulation affecting this ability.
• 💡 Developing healthier communication patterns and coping strategies is key to overcoming the obstacles that prevent individuals from asking for what they need.
• 📚 The video suggests that further learning and workshops can aid in understanding and addressing these issues, promoting personal growth and better relationships.

Q & A

What is the main topic discussed in the video script?

The main topic discussed in the video script is the challenge of asking for what we need and the reasons why many people find it difficult to communicate their needs openly and honestly.

What are the six common reasons explored in the video for the difficulty in expressing our needs?

The six common reasons are: 1) invalidation of emotions, 2) emotional manipulation, 3) lack of emotional availability, 4) misattunement, 5) poor communication patterns, and 6) conditional love.

How does invalidation of emotions affect a person's ability to ask for what they need?

Invalidation of emotions can lead to a person believing their feelings are not valid, causing them to doubt their desires and hesitate to express their needs, as they may think their needs are somehow needy, weird, or wrong.

Can you provide an example of emotional invalidation from the script?

An example of emotional invalidation from the script is a parent dismissing a child's excitement about their future dreams by rolling their eyes or telling someone nearby about it in a way that implies the child is being naive.

What is emotional manipulation and how does it impact a child's development?

Emotional manipulation is when a caregiver responds to a child's emotions with emotional reactivity, making the child feel responsible for managing the caregiver's emotions. This can lead to feelings of guilt, obligation, and emotional confusion, and can hinder the child's ability to express their own needs or feelings.

Why might someone struggle with asking for what they need due to emotional unavailability?

Someone might struggle with asking for what they need if they grew up with caregivers who were emotionally unavailable because they may have learned to prioritize their own needs, suppress emotions, and rely on self-reliance, believing they cannot count on others for support.

What is misattunement and how does it affect a person's ability to identify and articulate their needs?

Misattunement refers to a lack of emotional attunement or responsiveness from caregivers, which can cause a person to struggle with identifying and articulating their own needs as they may have become disconnected from their inner experiences and uncertain about what they truly want or need.

How do poor communication patterns in a family influence an individual's ability to express their needs?

Poor communication patterns, such as conflict avoidance or passive aggressiveness, can shape an individual's communication style, making it difficult for them to express their needs directly, as they may perceive such expressions as rude or unkind.

What is conditional love and how does it create a fear of rejection or abandonment?

Conditional love is a family dynamic where love and approval are given based on meeting certain expectations or behaviors. This can create a fear of rejection or abandonment if an individual's needs or desires do not align with those expectations, leading them to avoid expressing their needs to prevent conflict or disapproval.

What advice does the video script offer for addressing the underlying factors that make it difficult to ask for what we need?

The video script suggests introspection, therapy, and a conscious effort to develop healthier communication patterns and coping strategies. By acknowledging and understanding the impact of family of origin experiences, individuals can work towards breaking free from these patterns and fostering more authentic and fulfilling relationships.

How can someone identify if they have grown up with any of the six dynamics discussed in the script?

The script encourages individuals to reflect on their experiences and symptoms such as struggling to believe their emotions are valid, worrying about how asking for needs might affect others, feeling they should handle things on their own, being unable to identify or articulate what they need, and fearing rejection or abandonment. These reflections can indicate which dynamics they may have grown up with.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Emotional Invalidation and Its Impact

The first paragraph discusses the struggle many people face when trying to communicate their needs due to emotional invalidation experienced in their upbringing. It suggests that if one's emotions were dismissed as a child, they may grow up believing their feelings are not valid, leading to hesitancy in expressing desires and needs. The script uses scenarios to illustrate how parents' reactions to a child's excitement or sadness can teach the child that their emotions are not acknowledged, which can affect their ability to ask for what they need as adults.

05:03

😣 Emotional Manipulation and the Burden of Responsibility

This paragraph delves into the effects of emotional manipulation on children, where they are made to feel responsible for managing their parents' emotions. It describes how this can lead to guilt, obligation, and emotional confusion, preventing children from expressing their needs openly. The summary explains how these dynamics can carry over into adulthood, causing individuals to suppress their emotions and needs, potentially resulting in passive-aggressive behavior or self-reliance to avoid relying on others.

10:03

😕 Lack of Emotional Availability and Self-Reliance

The third paragraph examines the impact of having caregivers who were emotionally unavailable during childhood. It suggests that children may internalize the idea that their emotions or needs are too much, leading to self-reliance and suppression of emotions. The summary highlights how this upbringing can result in adults who are unable to express vulnerability or ask for support, instead taking on excessive responsibilities and developing patterns of toxic independence.

15:04

😯 Misattunement and the Struggle to Identify Needs

The fourth paragraph explores childhood misattunement, where caregivers fail to recognize or respond appropriately to a child's emotional needs. It explains that this lack of emotional attunement can lead to adults who struggle to identify and articulate their own needs. The summary points out that growing up with misattunement can result in disconnection from one's inner experiences and a lack of understanding of personal desires and preferences.

🙄 Poor Communication Patterns and Their Legacy

This paragraph discusses the influence of poor communication patterns, such as conflict avoidance and passive-aggressiveness, observed in family environments. It suggests that witnessing these patterns can shape an individual's communication style, making it difficult to express needs directly. The summary explains how children may learn that expressing needs is considered rude or unkind, leading to frustration and indirect attempts to have their needs met.

😞 Conditional Love and the Fear of Rejection

The final paragraph addresses the issue of conditional love, where a child's sense of worth and acceptance is tied to meeting specific expectations. It describes how this dynamic can create a fear of rejection or abandonment, causing individuals to avoid expressing their needs directly. The summary highlights the struggle of adults who may suppress their desires to avoid conflict or disapproval, stemming from their upbringing with conditional love.

Keywords

💡Emotional Validation

Emotional validation refers to the acknowledgment and acceptance of one's emotions as real and important. In the video, it is discussed as a critical component of emotional health, especially when it comes to expressing one's needs. The script mentions that if one's feelings were dismissed in childhood, they might grow up to doubt the validity of their emotions, which can hinder their ability to ask for what they need.

💡Emotional Manipulation

Emotional manipulation is a form of control where one person influences another by playing on their emotions. The video script describes a scenario where a parent's emotional reactivity makes a child feel responsible for their parent's feelings, leading to guilt and confusion. This can result in individuals feeling reluctant to express their needs for fear of causing emotional distress to others.

💡Emotional Availability

Emotional availability is the capacity to provide emotional support and connection to others. The script discusses how caregivers who are emotionally unavailable can impact a child's ability to express their needs, as they may learn to suppress their emotions and become self-reliant. This can lead to difficulties in adulthood when trying to communicate personal needs in relationships.

💡Parentification

Parentification is a role reversal in families where a child takes on responsibilities and roles typically held by parents. The video script uses the example of Sarah, who had to take on additional responsibilities after her father's death, leading to a pattern of self-sufficiency and difficulty expressing vulnerability in her adult relationships.

💡Emotional Attunement

Emotional attunement is the ability of caregivers to recognize, understand, and respond appropriately to a child's emotional needs. The video explains that misattunement, or a lack of emotional attunement, can lead to adults struggling to identify and articulate their own needs, as they may have learned to disconnect from their emotions to avoid negative responses from caregivers.

💡Conditional Love

Conditional love is a type of affection that is given based on certain conditions or behaviors being met. The script describes how growing up in an environment with conditional love can create a fear of rejection or abandonment, leading to indirect communication and a reluctance to assert one's needs openly for fear of conflict or disapproval.

💡Communication Patterns

Communication patterns refer to the consistent ways in which individuals express their needs, thoughts, and feelings. The video script highlights that witnessing unhealthy communication patterns, such as conflict avoidance or passive-aggressiveness, can shape one's style and make it difficult to express needs directly, often leading to frustration and misunderstandings.

💡Self-Reliance

Self-reliance is the practice of depending on oneself rather than relying on others. In the context of the video, self-reliance is discussed as a potential outcome of growing up with emotionally unavailable caregivers. It can manifest as a reluctance to ask for help or express vulnerability, as individuals may believe they should be able to handle things on their own.

💡Toxic Independence

Toxic independence is an extreme form of self-reliance where an individual feels they cannot rely on anyone else and must do everything themselves. The script suggests that this can stem from a lack of emotional availability in childhood, leading to patterns in adulthood where individuals struggle to communicate their needs and instead take on excessive responsibilities.

💡Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is a form of indirect expression of negative feelings, often used to avoid confrontation. The video script connects this behavior to poor communication patterns learned in childhood, where direct expression of needs or dissatisfaction might have been considered rude or unkind.

💡Introspection

Introspection is the process of self-examination or looking inward to understand one's own thoughts and feelings. The video encourages introspection as a means to identify and address the underlying factors that may be preventing individuals from communicating their needs openly, suggesting that this self-awareness can lead to healthier communication patterns.

Highlights

The challenge of asking for what we need is a common issue influenced by various factors.

Six common reasons are explored for the difficulty in communicating our needs openly and honestly.

Emotional invalidation from childhood can lead to a belief that one's emotions are not valid.

Dismissal of a child's excitement or sadness can teach them that their feelings are not important.

Emotional manipulation can make children feel responsible for managing others' emotions, leading to guilt and obligation.

Lack of emotional availability from caregivers can result in self-reliance and suppression of emotions.

Emotional unavailability in childhood can create patterns of not expressing needs or relying on others.

Misattunement in childhood can lead to difficulties in identifying and articulating one's own needs as an adult.

Poor communication patterns in the family can shape how we express our needs and make it difficult to do so directly.

Conditional love can create a fear of rejection or abandonment, leading to indirect communication to avoid conflict.

The impact of family of origin experiences can be broken by understanding and developing healthier communication patterns.

Introspection and therapy can help in addressing the underlying factors that hinder asking for what we need.

Authentic and fulfilling relationships can be fostered by breaking free from unhealthy patterns learned in childhood.

The video encourages viewers to pay attention to their automatic thoughts and feelings as they relate to asking for needs.

Examples are provided to illustrate how childhood experiences with parents can shape our ability to express needs.

The transcript discusses the concept of 'toxic independence' and its origins in emotionally unavailable upbringing.

A check-in is suggested for viewers to reflect on whether their fear of asking for needs is due to concerns about others' feelings.

Transcripts

let me ask you about these symptoms

which of these is the obstacle to asking

for what you need is it that you

struggle to believe your emotions are

valid do you have a hard time asking for

what you need because you worry about

how it might make the other person feel

today we're diving into a topic that

many of us can relate to the challenge

of asking for what we need have you ever

found yourself hesitating or struggling

to express your desires whether it's in

your personal relationships at work or

even in simple day-to-day situations

well you're not alone asking for what we

need can be a complex process influenced

by a variety of factors in this video

we'll explore six of the most common

reasons why many of us find it difficult

to communicate our needs openly and

honestly as we go through them notice

what comes up for you are there memories

that come to mind automatic

thoughts stories

pay attention to that as we make our way

through number one invalidation of

emotions if we grew up in a home where

our feelings were dismissed or

disregarded on a basic level we learn

that our feelings aren't valid we think

we're overreacting or making things up

we can even assume that the emotion is

coming from a place inside that doesn't

make sense so when we have a need

instead of asking for what we want we

assume that what we want is somehow

needy or weird or wrong emotional

invalidation does not have to be super

intense but it can be it might be as

Extreme as a parent yelling at their

child that their emotions are stupid or

way over the top but also it can play

out in ways that we tend to

normalize like picture yourself as a

child and now imagine that you're having

a really big feeling let's start with

the feeling of

excitement maybe you're excited about

what you want to be when you grow up now

let's Envision that you run into the

room to tell your parents you're so

excited you're going to be an astronaut

or maybe you want to be a singer or a

president how do you think your parents

would have responded in that moment

would they lean in and listen to your

excitement would they meet you in that

moment validating the joy and excitement

that comes with dreaming big

dreams would they ignore you like that's

great honey and then move on

or would they feel it's important to let

you know that that dream probably won't

happen do you picture them rolling their

eyes like you're silly or acting funny

or telling someone nearby about it like

you're being so cute and naive now let's

imagine a different scenario can you

picture yourself as a child being sad

about something feeling disappointed

maybe we didn't get that role in the

play we wanted or didn't make the

varsity team picture going to your

parents about it how do they react do

they stop what they're doing and sit

with you in that feeling listening and

leaning in taking your feeling seriously

or did they minimize the thing that

you're upset about oh you're just being

so silly or even get frustrated with

your tears like stop crying maybe they

even use toxic positivity to try to get

you to snap out of it like think look on

the bright side you have so many good

things going for you I know it might be

hard to see how that kind of moment

connects to asking for what we need but

what happens in both of those situations

is that we learn our feelings aren't

valid kids don't have the ability to

interpret that as uh you know Mom had a

rough day so she's a little bit more

impatient or dad has a hard time with

sadness because of his own issues

instead we internalize it as my feelings

must be an overreaction or even a wrong

response to whatever it is that happened

fast forward and we're in a friendship

where our friend has a pattern of making

fun of us in public we hate that but

instead of speaking up we assume that

the problem is with us maybe we're being

too

sensitive maybe we're

overreacting instead of speaking up we

continue to feel hurt in that Dynamic

and sometimes it spills out in passive

aggressive comments because we don't

know how to address it number two

emotional

manipulation picture this you are 14

years old you've been struggling with

anxiety and stress due to school

pressure and some drama in your friend

group you come home and vent about how

stressed you are instead of offering

empathy and understanding your mom

responds by becoming emotionally

reactive and playing the victim like I

can't believe you're putting this all on

me don't you know how stressed I am how

do you think it feels for me to hear all

of this emotional manipulation creates a

dynamic where children feel responsible

for managing their parents emotions and

prioritizing their needs over their own

leading to feelings of guilt obligation

and emotional confusion these kinds of

interactions create a space where a

child begins to internalize the idea

that expressing their needs or feelings

is hurtful and that they're fully

responsible for how someone responds to

their expression of

emotion and just a quick check-in is

your fear of asking for what you need

fueled by your concerns about how it

could make someone else

feel that you might be hurting their

feelings are adding to their

stress those worries can keep us from

asking for what we need and as a result

our attempts to get our needs met might

come out kind of sideways we might find

ourselves trying to get our needs met

without having to communicate our

feelings sort of like the silent

screaming that I talked about in my

other video number three lack of

emotional availability anyone have

caregivers that were emotionally

unavailable or preoccupied with their

own needs maybe you had a parent who had

a chronic illness and that meant that

they were unable for some reason to

provide attention or affection

consistently perhaps you had a parent

who had their own trauma or childhood

attachment wounds that made them able to

provide for you physically or

logistically but not emotionally or it's

possible that your parents just avoided

any kind of personal or sensitive topic

because it was just too much for them

which could have also meant that you had

to provide your parents with emotional

support as well the hard thing about

being a kid is that whether our parents

were unwilling or unable for some

legitimate reason to provide emotional

availability for us our brain still

internalizes the experience the same way

we assume that our emotions or our needs

are too much or that it's not okay to

express them in fact we might not even

know how to our brain might not even

think of sharing emotional needs as an

option cuz it's never been one in that

process we may have learned to

prioritize meeting our own needs like

ourself doing it all ourself and

suppressing emotions to avoid relying on

anyone else for support we may have

developed a pattern of self-reliance and

Independence or what I like to call

toxic Independence where we don't think

we can count on anyone else so we have

to do everything on our own were your

caregivers emotionally unavailable in

some

way if you're not sure here's what that

may have looked like imagine Sarah who

lost her father at a young age her

mother had a hard time coping with the

loss she loved Sarah but didn't have the

capacity to provide consistent emotional

support to her or her siblings for a

period of their

childhood as a result of this upbringing

Sarah took on additional

responsibilities around the house and in

caring for her younger siblings she took

on the role of caretaker for her mom and

her siblings she was parentified or as I

recently talked about she had eldest

daughter syndrome and ended up caring

for her mom more than her mom ended up

caring for her Sarah now in her late 20s

finds herself in a romantic relationship

with John a caring and supportive

partner however Sarah's upbringing of

emotional unavailability has left her

with deeply ingrained patterns of

self-sufficiency and difficulty

expressing

vulnerability Sarah is feeling

overwhelmed with work and personal

stressors but she doesn't even think to

communicate her struggles to John

instead she becomes increasingly

frustrated and bitter that expects her

to do everything almost resenting the

role that she put herself in it could be

frustrating and painful not to mention

difficult for those we are in

relationships with to even understand

frankly because we didn't give them an

opportunity to number four

misattunement childhood misattunement

refers to a lack of emotional Attunement

or responsiveness from caregivers during

a child's formative years it occurs when

caregivers fail to accurately recognize

understand and appropriately respond to

the child's emotional needs and cues

atunement is not just about emotional

validation or

availability it's also a huge key in

emotional

identification we learn how to identify

our emotions through this process of

Attunement like think of a newborn baby

they feel Panic or pain but they don't

know whether they're hungry thirsty sick

or tired

a parent figures that out by attuning to

their cries and then helps them learn to

identify that feeling right they come in

they swoop in they help and they fix it

when we grow up in a house with

emotional lack of Attunement our parents

don't notice our internal States or

misattunement like they misidentify our

internal States we can struggle as

adults to identify and articulate our

own

needs we may have become disconnected

from our inner experiences and uncertain

about what we truly want want or need

consider this during challenging times

you might sense that a relationship

isn't functioning as it should taking a

proactive approach ask yourself when

reflecting on your relationships do you

have a clear understanding of your

needs can you identify what you desire

within that

Dynamic let's go even deeper do you know

what you want in

life do you know what you want to be

like or do our emotions are the ways we

get in touch with our preferences and

wants when we didn't have healthy

Attunement from our parents we may not

have learned how to identify them and if

we don't know what we

need it's really hard to ask for it

right let's think about you for a second

now picture yourself as a child you may

not remember much about your childhood

so just imagine this imagine you go to

your parents and you're feeling anxious

or afraid of something that they've

asked you to do is it possible they

might misinterpret that behavior

thinking that maybe you're being defiant

or disobedient is there a time you can

imagine that you might have gone to them

for comfort and instead received

punishment this kind of misattunement

can feel so scary that we often

disconnect from our emotional

experiences all together thinking that

they're dangerous or bad we felt sad and

we got in trouble so sad must be bad we

felt confused or afraid we got yelled at

so confused or afraid must be

shameful if you identify with any of

that you might find that as an adult you

struggle to identify and articulate your

own needs you may have disconnected from

your needs in order to protect yourself

from being you know bad or you might

just feel a sense of Shame around the

thought of bringing emotions like that

to someone else does any of that ring

true for you do you identify with that

number five poor communic Comm unication

patterns witnessing unhealthy

communication patterns such as conflict

avoidance passive aggressiveness or a

sense of obligation within our family

can shape our communication style and

make it difficult to express our needs

directly what do I mean by that well

think about a home where your parents

are always polite to each other or

friends but then they also vent it about

other people around you you might have

learned that expressing needs to the

other person in a relationship is rude

or thought of as unkind and you can feel

frustrated but you can't express that to

them directly or you're being rude let

me give you an example let's say Your

Neighbor comes over to ask your parents

to watch her dog while she goes on

vacation your mom says yes and smiles

and even offers your neighbor some

coffee and a snack when The Neighbor

leaves your mom's like G why did she

stay so long I can never get rid of her

and it's a little rude of them to ask me

to watch their dog don't you think as a

kid you watch all of this

unfold from our parents we learn how the

world works so your little child brain

doesn't think Weir that my mom invited

them in and then didn't want them to

stay and weird of them to say yes if

they wanted to say

no we don't think like that instead our

brain learns this is how the world works

it must be rude to ask someone to do

that because my mom said it's rude and

also it must be rude to ask someone to

leave when you want them to because

otherwise my mom would have done that

through this one example you've learned

that number one it's rude to ask for

help and number two it's rude to express

your own

preferences in fact it's actually your

job to anticipate the other person's

preferences and cater to

them do you relate to that at all do you

find yourself irritated when people ask

you to do something because you feel

like the ask itself is a request one you

can't say no to you find yourself

frustrated when people don't anticipate

your needs like when they don't pick up

on your direct signals for example

you're out with friends and you

keep sighing but no one asks you what's

wrong or you're complaining about not

having a ride to the airport and no one

jumps in and offers to take

you that might be because if the

situation was reversed you would

absolutely offer or lean in because in

your mind that's how the world Works no

one ask for what they need because

that's rude and everyone anticipates

what the other person needs because

that's how you get your needs

number six conditional

love last but not least let's talk about

Dynamics in a family where there is

conditional love family environments

where love and approval are contingent

upon meeting certain expectations or

behaviors can create a fear of rejection

or abandonment we may resort to indirect

communication to avoid risking

disapproval or withdrawal of affection

let's think of an example Emily grows up

in a family where her parents have

strict EXP expectations for behavior and

achievement they only show affection and

approval when Emily meets these

expectations such as getting good grades

or following their rules however when

Emily expresses her own needs or

desires that don't align with their

expectations her parents react by

withdrawing their affection as an adult

Emily struggles to assert her needs or

desires openly fearing rejection or

abandonment if they don't align with

someone else's expectations

she may even hesitate to ask for what

she needs directly preferring to

suppress her desires to avoid conflict

or potential disapproval so question for

those of you who struggle to ask for

what you need which one of these

Dynamics do you identify with most you

may not even know but let me ask you

about these symptoms which of these is

the obstacle to asking for what you need

is it that you struggle to believe your

emotions are

valid do you think they might be foolish

or silly or an overreaction that may

indicate you grew up in a home without

healthy emotional validation do you have

a hard time asking for what you need

because you worry about how it might

make the other person

feel you may have grown up around

emotional manipulation where you took on

too much responsibility for other

people's emotions maybe you struggle

because you feel you should be able to

handle things on your own this might

indicate you grew up in a home without

emotional availability do you feel

unable to even even identify or

articulate what you need that could mean

that you grew up without Attunement or

is the thing that's in the way just this

sense that it's inappropriate or rude

that can be an indicator that you grew

up with a family culture that had poor

direct communication

patterns lastly is the thing that's in

the way a fear of rejection or

abandonment maybe you experienced

conditional love or approval as a kid so

what do you do addressing these

underlying factors often requires

introspection you know that being a

detective about it also therapy and a

conscious effort to develop healthier

communication patterns and coping

strategies by acknowledging and

understanding the impact of family of

origin

experiences we can work towards Breaking

Free from patterns like this and Foster

more authentic and fulfilling

relationships if you want to know more

about that you can check out my

workshops at Katie morton. thank you so

much for watching have a wonderful rest

of your week and I will see you next

time