How to Raise Successful Kids -- Without Over-Parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims | TED

Summary

这段演讲指出了当代父母在教育孩子时的一些问题，特别是过度保护和干预孩子的生活，导致孩子们失去了自我成长的机会。演讲者强调了过度关注成绩和荣誉的“清单式童年”对孩子自我效能感的损害，并提倡父母应该更注重培养孩子的自我效能，通过做家务和给予无条件的爱来建立孩子的成功基础。此外，演讲者还提到了哈佛大学的格兰特研究，指出职业成功和生活幸福与童年做家务和人际关系有关，而不是仅仅依赖名牌大学的教育。

Takeaways

• 🚫 现代某些育儿方式可能妨碍孩子发展自我。
• 👨‍👧 父母过度保护和控制可能限制孩子的成功机会。
• 📋 孩子在清单式童年中，生活被过度安排和控制。
• 🏆 父母期望孩子达到完美，但这种标准对孩子来说太高。
• 🏠 孩子被免除家务，缺乏自我效能感的培养。
• 💭 孩子缺乏自由玩耍和探索的时间，生活过于程序化。
• 📚 孩子在高中时，更多关注如何进入理想大学，而非个人兴趣。
• 😔 孩子可能感到焦虑和抑郁，对未来感到迷茫。
• 🤝 哈佛格兰特研究表明，童年做家务与成年后的职业成功相关。
• ❤️ 幸福来源于人际关系的爱，而非工作的爱。
• 🌱 父母应该支持孩子成为他们自己，而非塑造成父母想要的样子。

Q & A

作者最初对育儿专家的角色有何看法？

作者最初并没有打算成为育儿专家，实际上他对育儿本身并不特别感兴趣。他关注的是当下某些育儿方式正在阻碍孩子们成为真正的自己。

为什么作者认为过度保护的育儿方式对孩子有害？

作者认为过度保护的育儿方式会妨碍孩子发展自我，使他们无法独立面对挑战，从而影响他们成长为独立个体的机会。

什么是作者所说的“清单式童年”？

“清单式童年”是指父母为孩子安排好一切，从学校选择到成绩、奖项、体育活动、领导力等，期望孩子达到完美的标准，以此来确保他们未来的成功。

作者提到孩子们在清单式童年中失去了什么？

孩子们在清单式童年中失去了自由玩耍的时间，缺乏自我探索和成长的空间，以及建立自我效能的机会。

为什么作者强调孩子们需要做家务？

作者强调做家务能培养孩子的自我效能感，这是他们未来在职场上取得成功的关键因素之一。

哈佛格兰特研究对孩子们的长期成功有何发现？

哈佛格兰特研究发现，孩子们如果小时候做家务，尤其是越早开始越好，将更有可能在职场上取得成功。

作者如何看待孩子们的心理健康问题？

作者指出，由于过度的期望和压力，孩子们可能会遭受焦虑和抑郁的困扰，这可能会让他们质疑生活的价值。

为什么作者认为无条件的爱对孩子的成长至关重要？

作者认为无条件的爱能让孩子学会自爱，这是他们能够爱别人的基础，也是他们心理健康的重要组成部分。

作者提出了哪些方法来改善当前的育儿方式？

作者提出，父母应该更少关注成绩和分数，更多地关注培养孩子的习惯、心态、技能和健康，以及通过做家务和给予爱来为他们的成功打下基础。

作者如何看待名牌大学对于孩子们成功的影响？

作者认为，虽然名牌大学可能要求高分数和成就，但并不是只有上名牌大学才能获得幸福和成功。成功的人们来自各种不同的教育背景。

作者如何比喻孩子们的天性和成长？

作者比喻孩子们为未知种类的野花，而不是盆栽，强调父母的角色是提供营养环境，而不是塑造他们成为某种特定形态。

Outlines

00:00

📝 清单式教育的弊端

本段讲述了现代父母过度干预孩子生活的现象，这种教育方式导致孩子失去了自我发展的机会。父母们过分关注孩子的学业成绩和活动表现，希望孩子能够进入理想的学校和职业，从而忽略了孩子个性和兴趣的培养。这种清单式的童年，让孩子失去了自由玩耍的时间，过度强调成绩和外在认可，导致孩子出现焦虑和抑郁，缺乏自我价值感。

05:02

👪 父母的角色和自我效能感

这段内容讨论了父母在孩子成长过程中的角色，以及如何通过让孩子参与家务等活动来培养他们的自我效能感。自我效能感是指个体认识到自己的行为能够导致结果的能力，这对于孩子的职业成功至关重要。父母应该减少过度帮助和保护，让孩子有机会自己思考、规划和体验生活，从而建立自信和独立性。此外，哈佛格兰特研究显示，职业成功和生活幸福与童年时期的家务劳动和人际关系密切相关。

10:02

💖 无条件的爱与自我价值

最后一段强调了父母应该给予孩子无条件的爱，让孩子学会自爱和爱他人。父母需要与孩子建立真正的情感联系，关心他们的日常生活和感受，而不仅仅是学业成绩。此外，作者提出，不必过分追求名牌大学，因为幸福和成功并不取决于所上的学校，而是取决于个人的习惯、心态和技能。父母的任务是支持孩子成为他们自己，而不是塑造他们成为父母期望的样子。

Keywords

💡育儿专家

育儿专家通常指的是在儿童教育和成长方面有深入研究和丰富经验的人。在视频中，演讲者提到自己并非一名育儿专家，而是对当前某些育儿方式的担忧，这些方式可能阻碍孩子自然发展。例如，演讲者提到家长们过度保护和过度干预孩子的生活和教育，这与育儿专家的角色形成了对比。

💡清单式童年

清单式童年是指孩子们在成长过程中，被父母以一系列成就和活动清单为导向的成长方式。这种方式强调成绩、奖项和各种活动的参与，以期望孩子能够进入理想的大学或从事理想的职业。视频中提到，这种清单式的童年让孩子们失去了自由玩耍的时间，一切都围绕着成就和成绩，忽视了孩子自我发展和探索个人兴趣的重要性。

💡自我效能感

自我效能感是指个体对自己完成特定任务的能力的信心。视频中强调，过度的帮助和保护会剥夺孩子们建立自我效能感的机会。自我效能感的建立是通过个体认识到自己的行动能够导致结果，而不是依赖父母代表他们采取行动。例如，当孩子们通过做家务等活动，看到自己的努力能够带来积极的结果时，他们的自我效能感就会增强。

💡无条件的爱

无条件的爱是指父母对孩子的爱不附加任何条件，不论孩子的表现如何，都给予他们爱和支持。视频中提到，孩子们需要感受到这种爱，以便他们能够学会爱自己，进而学会爱他人。无条件的爱与孩子们的自我价值感和幸福感密切相关，是他们成长过程中不可或缺的一部分。

💡家务

家务是指家庭中的日常事务和劳动，如打扫、洗衣、做饭等。视频中提到，让孩子参与家务劳动是培养他们的责任感、自立能力和工作态度的重要方式。哈佛格兰特研究也发现，童年时期做家务与成年后的职业成功有关。例如，演讲者提到，通过做家务，孩子们学会了‘卷起袖子，投入工作’的心态，这对他们未来的职业生涯有益。

💡成绩和分数

成绩和分数通常指学校教育中用来评价学生学术表现的量化指标。视频中批评了过分强调成绩和分数的育儿方式，这种方式可能会导致孩子们承受巨大的压力，忽视了他们的情感和心理健康。演讲者提倡，父母应该更关注孩子的习惯、心态和技能，而不仅仅是他们的成绩。

💡名牌大学

名牌大学通常指的是那些知名度高、学术声誉好的高等教育机构。视频中提到，许多父母和学生都认为只有进入名牌大学才能获得成功和幸福，但演讲者反驳了这一观点，强调成功和幸福并不取决于所上的大学是否知名，而是取决于个人的努力和态度。

💡焦虑和抑郁

焦虑和抑郁是两种常见的心理健康状况，可以由多种因素引起，包括压力和期望。视频中提到，由于父母对孩子成绩和未来的过度关注，许多孩子在高中时期就经历了焦虑和抑郁。这强调了在孩子成长过程中，除了学术成就外，心理健康同样重要。

💡自我

自我是指个体对自己的认识和理解，包括自我价值、自我认同和自我目标等。视频中演讲者提到，父母应该支持孩子成为他们自己，而不是试图塑造他们成为父母希望的样子。这涉及到尊重孩子的个性和选择，鼓励他们根据自己的兴趣和价值观发展。

💡成功的定义

成功的定义是多元的，可以根据个人的价值观和目标而有所不同。视频中演讲者批评了将成功仅仅定义为进入名牌大学或从事某些职业的狭隘观念。相反，演讲者提倡一个更广泛的成功观念，包括个人的习惯、心态、技能和幸福感。

💡无条件的支持

无条件的支持意味着无论孩子的表现如何，父母都会给予他们爱和支持。视频中演讲者强调，父母的角色不是去塑造孩子成为某种特定的人，而是提供一个支持性的环境，让孩子们能够自由地探索和发展自己的身份和兴趣。

Highlights

当前某些育儿方式正在破坏孩子，阻碍他们发展自我。

父母过度保护和过度干预可能对孩子造成伤害，影响他们成功的机会。

孩子们在过度规划的童年中，缺乏自由玩耍的时间，生活被严格的日程安排所填满。

父母期望孩子达到他们自己从未被要求达到的完美表现水平。

孩子们被期望在很小的年纪就开始参与各种活动和社团，以满足大学录取的要求。

父母常常因为孩子的学业和成绩而忽视了孩子的情感需求和个人价值。

高中的孩子在成绩上出现波动时，会感到极度焦虑和不安。

孩子们因为过度规划的童年而感到疲惫、脆弱，甚至在很小的年纪就感到精疲力尽。

父母常常认为孩子只有进入名牌大学或从事特定职业才会有未来。

父母应该更关注孩子的习惯、心态和技能，而不是仅仅关注他们能否进入特定的大学。

哈佛格兰特研究显示，童年时做家务与成年后的职业成功有正相关。

幸福来自于爱，特别是对家人和朋友的爱，而非工作。

父母应该无条件地爱孩子，让他们学会自爱和爱他人。

孩子需要从父母那里得到关注，了解他们作为个体的价值，而不仅仅是他们的学术表现。

并非只有名牌大学才能带来幸福和成功，许多快乐和成功的人来自不同的教育背景。

父母应该支持孩子成为他们自己，而不是试图塑造他们成为我们想要的样子。

孩子们不是盆栽，而是野花，父母的任务是提供营养环境，让他们自由成长。

Transcripts

You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert.

In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se.

It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days

that is kind of messing up kids,

impeding their chances to develop into theirselves.

There's a certain style of parenting these days

that's getting in the way.

I guess what I'm saying is,

we spend a lot of time being very concerned

about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids

and their education or their upbringing,

and rightly so.

But at the other end of the spectrum,

there's a lot of harm going on there as well,

where parents feel a kid can't be successful

unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn

and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment,

and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.

When we raise kids this way,

and I'll say we,

because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers,

I've had these tendencies myself,

our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.

And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like.

We keep them safe and sound

and fed and watered,

and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools,

that they're in the right classes at the right schools,

and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools.

But not just the grades, the scores,

and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards

and the sports, the activities, the leadership.

We tell our kids, don't just join a club,

start a club, because colleges want to see that.

And check the box for community service.

I mean, show the colleges you care about others.

(Laughter)

And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection.

We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection

we were never asked to perform at ourselves,

and so because so much is required,

we think,

well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher

and principal and coach and referee

and act like our kid's concierge

and personal handler

and secretary.

And then with our kids, our precious kids,

we spend so much time nudging,

cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be,

to be sure they're not screwing up,

not closing doors,

not ruining their future,

some hoped-for admission

to a tiny handful of colleges

that deny almost every applicant.

And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.

First of all, there's no time for free play.

There's no room in the afternoons,

because everything has to be enriching, we think.

It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity

is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them,

and we absolve them of helping out around the house,

and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep

as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist.

And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy,

but when they come home from school,

what we ask about all too often first

is their homework and their grades.

And they see in our faces

that our approval, that our love,

that their very worth,

comes from A's.

And then we walk alongside them

and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show --

(Laughter)

coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther,

day after day after day.

And when they get to high school,

they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying

or doing as an activity?"

They go to counselors and they say,

"What do I need to do to get into the right college?"

And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school,

and they're getting some B's,

or God forbid some C's,

they frantically text their friends

and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"

And our kids,

regardless of where they end up at the end of high school,

they're breathless.

They're brittle.

They're a little burned out.

They're a little old before their time,

wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough,

this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough."

And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression

and some of them are wondering,

will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?

Well, we parents,

we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it.

We seem to behave --

it's like we literally think they will have no future

if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers

we have in mind for them.

Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid

they won't have a future we can brag about

to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars.

Yeah.

(Applause)

But if you look at what we've done,

if you have the courage to really look at it,

you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes

from grades and scores,

but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds

all the time, like our very own version of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"

we send our children the message:

"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me."

And so with our overhelp,

our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding,

we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy,

which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche,

far more important than that self-esteem they get

every time we applaud.

Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes,

not --

There you go.

(Applause)

Not one's parents' actions on one's behalf,

but when one's own actions lead to outcomes.

So simply put,

if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must,

then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding,

doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,

dreaming and experiencing of life

for themselves.

Now, am I saying

every kid is hard-working and motivated

and doesn't need a parent's involvement or interest in their lives,

and we should just back off and let go?

Hell no.

(Laughter)

That is not what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards

as the purpose of childhood,

all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges

or entrance to a small number of careers,

that that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids.

And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins

by overhelping --

like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework,

they might end up with a longer childhood résumé when we help --

what I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost

to their sense of self.

What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned

with the specific set of colleges

they might be able to apply to or might get into

and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set,

the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.

What I'm saying is,

our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores

and a whole lot more interested

in childhood providing a foundation for their success

built on things like love

and chores.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did.

But really, here's why.

The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted

is called the Harvard Grant Study.

It found that professional success in life,

which is what we want for our kids,

that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid,

and the earlier you started, the better,

that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset,

a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work,

someone's got to do it, it might as well be me,

a mindset that says,

I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole,

that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace.

Now, we all know this. You know this.

(Applause)

We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood,

we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house,

and then they end up as young adults in the workplace

still waiting for a checklist,

but it doesn't exist,

and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct

to roll up their sleeves and pitch in

and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?

How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?

A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study

said that happiness in life

comes from love,

not love of work,

love of humans:

our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.

So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love,

and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves,

and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love.

(Applause)

Right.

And so,

instead of being obsessed with grades and scores

when our precious offspring come home from school,

or we come home from work,

we need to close our technology, put away our phones,

and look them in the eye

and let them see the joy that fills our faces

when we see our child for the first time in a few hours.

And then we have to say,

"How was your day?

What did you like about today?"

And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did,

and I want to hear about the math test,

not lunch,

you have to still take an interest in lunch.

You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?"

They need to know they matter to us as humans,

not because of their GPA.

All right, so you're thinking, chores and love,

that sounds all well and good, but give me a break.

The colleges want to see top scores and grades

and accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of.

The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults,

but here's the good news.

Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe --

(Applause)

you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools

to be happy and successful in life.

Happy and successful people went to state school,

went to a small college no one has heard of,

went to community college,

went to a college over here and flunked out.

(Applause)

The evidence is in this room, is in our communities,

that this is the truth.

And if we could widen our blinders

and be willing to look at a few more colleges,

maybe remove our own egos from the equation,

we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize,

it is hardly the end of the world

if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools.

And more importantly,

if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist

then when they get to college,

whichever one it is,

well, they'll have gone there on their own volition,

fueled by their own desire,

capable and ready to thrive there.

I have to admit something to you.

I've got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery.

They're teenagers.

And once upon a time,

I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery

like little bonsai trees --

(Laughter)

that I was going to carefully clip and prune

and shape into some perfect form of a human

that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission

to one of the most highly selective colleges.

But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids --

(Laughter)

and raising two kids of my own,

my kids aren't bonsai trees.

They're wildflowers

of an unknown genus and species --

(Laughter)

and it's my job to provide a nourishing environment,

to strengthen them through chores

and to love them so they can love others and receive love

and the college, the major, the career,

that's up to them.

My job is not to make them become what I would have them become,

but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.

Thank you.

(Applause)