How to Stop Longing for Someone or Something (Updated!) #mentalhealth #selfimprovement

Summary

In this video, licensed marriage and family therapist Kim Eagle addresses the concept of longing, which can become addictive and obsessive, hindering us from living in the present. She offers practical steps to break free from longing, such as clearing emotional and physical clutter, accepting the present, and processing difficult feelings. Kim emphasizes the importance of self-worth and inner fulfillment in combating longing, urging viewers to focus on their value and cultivate self-love. Ultimately, she advises creating a neutral space to move forward and find personal fulfillment.

Takeaways

• 😀 Longing is an obsessive desire that prevents living in the present moment and can be addictive.
• 😀 Healthy longing is focused on achievable goals, such as aspiring to buy a home, while unhealthy longing clings to past relationships or lost opportunities.
• 😀 To move past longing, it's important to clear your environment (both physical and mental) of reminders that keep you stuck in the past.
• 😀 Accepting 'what is' and processing difficult emotions is a key step to moving forward and finding peace with current circumstances.
• 😀 Living in the present moment is crucial for breaking the cycle of longing, as it helps you engage with life as it is now.
• 😀 Taking time to process and sit with hard feelings about lost opportunities or relationships is necessary to heal and move on.
• 😀 Fulfilling your own worth and cultivating self-love helps combat the false belief that something outside yourself can fix your happiness.
• 😀 Resistance to self-worth and self-love is common when stuck in longing, but embracing discomfort is part of the healing process.
• 😀 The most effective way to stop longing is to focus on feeling valuable, confident, and self-loving from within, rather than relying on external factors.
• 😀 True fulfillment comes from within—no external thing (relationships, possessions, or achievements) will make you happy if you're not content with yourself.
• 😀 Longing can cause obsessive dwelling on past wishes or future hopes, but by creating a neutral, present-focused mindset, you can move forward and gain momentum in life.

Q & A

What is longing, and how does it manifest in our lives?

Longing is an obsessive and addictive desire that your mind struggles to detach from, often focused on something that either happened in the past or something that could happen in the future. It can make it difficult to live in the present moment, as it keeps your focus on either what’s gone or what hasn’t happened yet.

What is the difference between healthy longing and unhealthy longing?

Healthy longing is the desire for something achievable, like working towards a goal, such as buying a home, while unhealthy longing is when you’re fixated on something that’s no longer available or hasn’t worked out, such as believing you can still get back with an ex, even though the relationship is over.

What steps can we take to stop longing and live in the present?

To stop longing, you can start by clearing your mental and physical environment of reminders that pull you into the past or future. This might involve removing things like old relationship items or triggers that prevent you from focusing on the present. Additionally, try to engage more intentionally in your current life, focusing on what you can do now.

How can acceptance help us move past longing?

Acceptance allows you to come to terms with what is happening now. It involves working through difficult emotions and making peace with situations that are no longer changeable, such as the end of a relationship or an opportunity that’s no longer available.

Why is it important to process hard feelings when dealing with longing?

Processing hard feelings helps you release attachment to the past and move forward. Although it’s difficult, sitting with emotions is necessary to create a peaceful mental space and make room for new, fulfilling experiences.

What role does self-worth play in overcoming longing?

Self-worth is critical because when we don’t feel valuable within ourselves, we often look for external things—like relationships or achievements—to fill us up. Building self-love and recognizing your worth helps diminish the need for external validation and reduces the grip of longing.

How can I cultivate a sense of self-worth to combat longing?

Focus on activities that build your confidence and self-esteem. Take time to appreciate who you are and your strengths, and engage in self-care practices that help you feel valued and capable, instead of depending on others or external things to make you feel whole.

What should I do if I feel resistance or discomfort while trying to accept these ideas?

It’s normal to feel resistance or discomfort when you’re stuck in longing, as these ideas challenge your current mindset. Acknowledge the resistance and allow yourself time to process it. The discomfort is part of the growth process, and the intention behind these practices is to help you move forward.

Can longing be seen as a form of addiction?

Yes, longing can be addictive in the sense that it keeps your mind fixated on something you can’t change or haven’t attained. This obsession can prevent you from fully engaging in the present, creating a cycle that can be hard to break without intentional effort.

How does clearing your environment contribute to overcoming longing?

Clearing your environment—whether physical items, photos, or even people that remind you of the past—helps create a neutral space where you can focus on your current life. It reduces the constant pull back into past memories or unattainable futures, helping you live more in the present moment.