How COVERT AVOIDANCE Makes Your Life EMPTY

Summary

In this video, Anna Runkle, known as the Crappy Childhood Fairy, discusses the concept of covert avoidance—an internal strategy that individuals with childhood trauma use to protect themselves from stressors, leading to a sense of emptiness and isolation. She explores how this avoidance impacts daily life, causing missed opportunities for connection, joy, and growth. Runkle highlights how dysregulation from past trauma affects the nervous system, leading to chronic stress and avoidance behaviors. She offers hope, encouraging viewers to take small, consistent steps towards healing and re-regulation, ultimately reconnecting with their true selves and the world around them.

Takeaways

• 😀 Covert avoidance occurs when a person appears to function well externally but avoids deeper emotional connections, leading to an empty, superficial life.
• 😀 People with childhood trauma may become covert avoiders, putting up a facade of being fine while avoiding triggers such as rejection, criticism, and abandonment.
• 😀 Covert avoidance is different from avoidant personality disorder; it isn't obvious to others but can significantly affect one's life and relationships.
• 😀 One common sign of covert avoidance is chronic lateness, as it acts as a way to protect oneself from engaging fully in life and emotional vulnerability.
• 😀 Chronic avoidance can lead to isolation and a lack of support, as the person shuts out others in an attempt to protect their fragile emotional state.
• 😀 Avoidance might help one get through immediate crises but leads to more significant emotional and social consequences over time.
• 😀 Reaching a breaking point, such as experiencing a health crisis or feeling alone during tough times, can help reveal the destructive power of covert avoidance.
• 😀 The first step to overcoming covert avoidance is to get honest with yourself about your circumstances and understand why you're avoiding life.
• 😀 Dysregulation, often a result of childhood trauma, causes emotional overreactions and physical disorientation, making it difficult to engage in life without feeling overwhelmed.
• 😀 Learning to re-regulate emotional triggers is crucial for overcoming covert avoidance and connecting to life and others in a meaningful way.

Q & A

What is covert avoidance, and how does it differ from avoidant personality disorder?

Covert avoidance is a subtle form of avoiding one's own life, often unnoticed by others. It involves distancing oneself emotionally and mentally, even though outward behavior may appear normal. Unlike avoidant personality disorder, which involves extreme social anxiety and noticeable social withdrawal, covert avoidance is less apparent and often manifests through behaviors like being late or neglecting everyday responsibilities.

Why might someone with covert avoidance feel disconnected despite having a good career and social circle?

Covert avoiders often struggle with superficial connections, where they seem fine on the outside but feel emotionally detached. This disconnection is due to inner avoidance mechanisms triggered by past trauma, leading them to protect their inner selves from pain or vulnerability, resulting in a sense of emptiness and lack of true connection.

How does trauma from childhood contribute to covert avoidance?

Childhood trauma, especially abuse or neglect, often causes a person to develop coping mechanisms to protect themselves from emotional pain. This protection can manifest as covert avoidance, where the individual avoids engaging deeply with their own life and others, out of fear of being triggered by situations that could bring up past trauma.

What role does dysregulation play in covert avoidance?

Dysregulation occurs when the nervous system becomes out of sync due to trauma, leading to emotional and physical instability. For those with covert avoidance, this dysregulation causes them to avoid stressors and situations that might trigger overwhelming emotional responses. Avoidance becomes a defense mechanism to prevent experiencing dysregulation, which can be physically and mentally draining.

What is the impact of covert avoidance on personal relationships?

Covert avoidance can severely impact personal relationships, as the individual remains emotionally distant and disconnected from others. While they may be physically present, they may not fully engage or form meaningful, vulnerable connections, leading to feelings of loneliness and isolation, even when surrounded by people.

How can covert avoidance be recognized in everyday life?

Covert avoidance can be recognized through behaviors like chronic lateness, neglecting everyday tasks (e.g., tidying up, preparing meals), and avoiding emotional engagement. Individuals may also feel perpetually busy or tired, using these excuses to avoid deeper emotional work or responsibilities.

What is the first step in addressing covert avoidance?

The first step in overcoming covert avoidance is to get honest with oneself about the current circumstances and the impact of avoidance. This involves understanding what the person is protecting themselves from, becoming aware of triggers, and recognizing the long-term consequences of continuing to avoid life.

How does chronic avoidance lead to further emotional and physical strain?

Chronic avoidance can create a cycle where the individual avoids stress and emotional discomfort, but this avoidance only compounds the issue. Over time, it leads to isolation, physical exhaustion, and worsening mental health. When faced with a new crisis, the person finds themselves unable to cope, as they have not developed the resilience needed to face stress directly.

How can someone with covert avoidance begin to heal and break the cycle?

Healing from covert avoidance involves learning to re-regulate the nervous system and facing triggers gradually. By acknowledging stressors, calming emotional responses, and taking small, consistent actions, individuals can rebuild connections, develop healthier coping strategies, and regain a sense of purpose and joy in life.

What role does self-compassion play in overcoming covert avoidance?

Self-compassion is essential in overcoming covert avoidance, as it allows individuals to treat themselves kindly when facing difficult emotions or triggers. By being patient and understanding with oneself, people can break the cycle of avoidance without judgment, gradually building the resilience to engage more fully with their lives.