Why we get defensive—and how to stop | Khailing Neoh | TEDxUnity Park
Summary
TLDRこのスクリプトでは、自己のエゴを認め、受け入れ、そして前進することが大切だと示されます。エゴは人間の自然な感情ですが、時には自己防衛のために反応しすぎることがあります。エゴが日常生活にどのように現れるか、そしてどのように対処するかについて、話者が自身の経験を通じて語っています。エゴと戦うためには、自分の感情を認め、受け入れ、改善点を考え、そして次の日もまた挑戦することが重要です。さらに、他人からの称賛を喜びに変え、自分自身や他人に感謝の気持ちを示すことも大切だと述べています。
Takeaways
- 😌 「認める・受け入れ・続ける」という考え方で自己の感情や困難な状況に対処することが大切です。
- 🤔 自己の「エゴ」を認めることにより、不安や自己嫌悪を克服し、より真実の生活を築くことができます。
- 👥 人々は他人との関係を築く際に、自分のエゴを抑制し、より良いコミュニケーターやリーダーになることが求められます。
- 🌟 エゴは常に私たちの生活に入り込むもので、正しいと感じるために常に戦うことが必要です。
- 💡 エゴの定義は心理学的用語として自己意識を指すものと、プライドやハブリスに関連するものがあります。
- 🚫 エゴは時に人を傷つける可能性があり、例えば嫉妬やゴSSIP、中断、自己防衛的な態度などが挙げられます。
- 📚 エゴを克服するためのストーリーは、自己の過去の経験を通じて学びを得る良い方法です。
- 🔄 完璧主義や自己災害化、侵入的思考はエゴに関連する自己の側面を示しており、それらを克服することは成長につながります。
- 👨👧 親子関係におけるエゴの衝突は、自己の感情や価値観を通じて理解し、より良い関係を築くために役立ちます。
- 🎁 他人からの称賛を受ける際には、それを認め、受け入れ、そして他の人や自己に転じることが重要です。
- 💪 継続的な自己改善のプロセスを通じて、エゴを管理し、より良い人間関係を築くことができます。
Q & A
スピーチの中で「acknowledge accept continue」というフレーズは何を意味していますか?
-「acknowledge accept continue」は、自分の感情や状況を認識し、受け入れ、そして前進することを意味しています。スピーチでは、このフレーズを使って自己の弱さや過ちに対処する方法を説明しています。
スピーチの中で話されたエゴとはどのようなものですか?
-スピーチではエゴを自己防衛的な感情や行動、特に自分を守るために他人を非難したり、自分の欠点を認めないような態度として定義しています。
スピーチの中でエゴが日常生活にどのように現れる例をいくつか挙げてください。
-エゴは日常生活で正しいと常に主張したり、責めを避けたり、謝罪を避けたり、嫉妬したり、ゴSSIPをしたり、他人の話を中断したりするなどの形で現れます。
スピーチの中のエミリーとbeccaの物語は何を示していますか?
-エミリーとbeccaの物語は、他人からの評価や過去の理想化された人物に対する憧れが自分自身の価値感に与える影響を示しています。また、自己防衛的な感情を抑え、関係を損なわないように対処する重要性を強調しています。
スピーチの中で話されたパーフェクションズムとは何ですか?
-パーフェクションズムは、自分自身に対して設定した理想の基準や偽の境界であり、自分を评判にかけてしまい、本当の自己を生きることが難しくなるものです。
自己 catastrophizing とはどのような心理的状態を指していますか?
-自己 catastrophizing とは、社交的な状況や出来事に対して過剰に自己批評的であり、小さな失敗や誤解を大きな災害のように考えてしまう心理的状態です。
スピーチの中で話された「贈り物」の概念とは何ですか?
-「贈り物」の概念は、他人から受けたコンプリメントを単に受け止めるのではなく、それを認め、感謝の意を示し、さらにそのコンプリメントを他の人や自分自身に返すことを意味しています。
スピーチの中で話された自分の父親とのエピソードは何を教えてくれていますか?
-父親とのエピソードは、エゴが親子関係に与える影響や、怒りと恐怖を通じてリードする代わりに愛と脆弱性を持って接することが大切であることを教えてくれています。
スピーチの最後に述べられた「あなたはあなたの最悪の瞬間ではありません」という言葉の意図は何ですか?
-この言葉は、人が自分自身の過去の過ちや失敗にとらわれず、それらが自分自身を定義するものではないと励まし、自己forgivenessを促すことを意図しています。
スピーチの中で話された「脆弱性は強さであり、弱さではありません」という言葉の意味は何ですか?
-この言葉は、人々の弱さや欠点を認めることで、より強い人間関係や自己理解を築くことができると示唆しており、脆弱性を隠すことが弱さであるのではなく、それを受け入れることで強い心を持ち得る可能性があることを強調しています。
Outlines
😔 内心の葛藤と自己認識の改善
第1段落では、話者がチームメイトのエミリーとの間の出来事を通じて、自己認識と葛藤について語っています。エミリーは、同僚のベッカが辞めることで業務に苦戦し、話者がその役割を引き継いだ後、エミリーから时折苦情が聞こえてきました。話者はエミリーと対話し、自身の不足やエミリーのベッカへの理想化に直面しましたが、ベッカの真実を明かすことはせず、自己成長と関係の築き上げを意識しています。
🤔 エゴと自己改善への取り組み
第2段落では、エゴの定義とその影響について語られています。話者はエゴが日常生活に潜むこと、自己完璧主義、自己災害化、侵入的思考やruminationなど、自己改善に向けた取り組みを共有します。エゴが引き起こす様々な状況を通じて、自己認識の改善と個人の成長を目指すプロセスが描かれています。
😡 エゴと衝突:父親との関係の影響
第3段落では、話者がエゴと直面した経験を2つの物語で紹介しています。1つは夫との日常の出来事、もう1つは父親との衝突に関する物語です。父親は自分のエゴを優先し、話者を責めることから、自己認識と恥ずかしさ、罪悪感に対する取り組みの必要性を意識しました。これらの出来事は、自己と他人との関係において、愛と恐怖のどちらが優先されるかを問いかけています。
🌟 エゴとの闘いと自己成長への道
第4段落では、エゴとの闘いと自己成長への道について話されています。Jay Shettyの引用を通じて、エゴは何度も打ちのめされても翌日また蘇るという概念に触れられ、自己認識の改善と成長の継続性が強調されています。また、「acknowledge accept continue」のフレームワークを用いて、自己成長のプロセスを示し、他人からの称賛をどのように受け止め、それを自己や他人に還元するかについても議論しています。
Mindmap
Keywords
💡自己認識
💡受け入れ
💡継続
💡自己
💡謙虚さ
💡自己防衛
💡完璧主義
💡自己壊滅
💡責務
💡自己啓発
Highlights
The importance of acknowledging and accepting one's feelings to continue personal growth.
The story of Emily and Becca to illustrate the impact of ego on interpersonal relationships.
The struggle with feelings of inadequacy and the importance of self-compassion in leadership.
The concept of ego as both a psychological term and a sense of pride or hubris.
Defining ego in terms of the uncontrollable feeling to protect oneself defensively.
Common manifestations of ego such as the need to be right, difficulty apologizing, and jealousy.
The personal impact of perfectionism, self-catastrophizing, and intrusive thoughts on one's life.
The transformative power of authenticity in communication and its effect on personal relationships.
The story of the dishwasher and the old response of defensiveness versus a kinder approach.
The incident with the torn Toms shoes and the lessons learned about leading with anger versus vulnerability.
The framework of 'acknowledge, accept, and continue' as a method for dealing with ego and insecurities.
Jay Shetty's quote on the persistence of ego and the importance of daily self-improvement.
The process of acknowledging negative feelings and accepting them as part of personal growth.
The value of reflecting on one's actions to identify what was done right and areas for improvement.
The concept of 'gifting' compliments as a way to show gratitude and spread positivity.
Final thoughts emphasizing that one's worst moments do not define them and the strength of vulnerability.
The encouragement to focus on continuing the journey of self-improvement despite setbacks.
Transcripts
[Music]
acknowledge accept
continue acknowledge accept
continue I have a team member we'll call
her Emily um Emily struggled when
another cooworker Becca quit and so I
took on some of those duties and roles
when Becca left and Emily was fine but
every so often we'd hear little comments
here and there about how something was
difficult something was challenging
without Becca here so I took it upon
myself to invite Emily to sit down and
say hey let's talk here's how I'm
feeling I'm feeling kind of small I'm
feeling like I'm failing you can we talk
about this and Emily said you are doing
a good job and not great job not
fantastic job she said you're doing a
good job and then proceeded to say Becca
was just so smooth and she was so great
at her job and everything was so
organized when she was here and it was
such a struggle for me during that
conversation to not just walk away so as
we were talking and she was hyping Becca
up and I was feeling smaller and worse
about myself there was a bubbling
feeling that started to arise in my
throat and I wanted to stop her and say
Emily
did you know that Becca tried to get you
fired did you know that she was not an
advocate for you when you were training
and when you were struggling and this
was a really difficult moment for me
when we were conversing because
obviously there's no place in that to to
mean anything to Emily there was there's
no benefit to me saying that so I'm
really glad to say that none of that I
didn't speak of any of that none of that
came up um acknowledge accept and
continue I knowled that I was feeling
small and I was feeling rejected I
accepted the fact that it was a
difficult moment and a different
difficult conversation and I continued
on and tried to stay present and
congratulated myself for not ruining a
relationship that we've you know taken
some time to cultivate Emily's doing
great I'm doing great we're all good uh
my name is King I am the owner of a
local restaurant in Greenville called
sbar I'm the yeah thank you I'm the
proud manager of about 38 unique
wonderful individuals um I'm the
daughter of immigrants the wife of Mr
Kevin Chow I'm the older sister of a
younger sister and although I'm not an
expert on this topic or psychology in
general I do believe I'm qualified as a
recovering people pleaser with anger
issues so I'm not here to convince you
that you need to demolish your ego or
get rid of it completely but as Abraham
Lincoln once said do we destroy our
enemies by making them our friends and
that really rang true to me I think
inviting our ego to the table and
listening to what it has to say might
just be the ticket for us to overcome
some of our insecurities and in turn I
believe potentially build a more
authentic lifestyle for yourself I also
think ultimately the goal is not only to
be a better communicator and a better
leader to have better boundaries for
yourself and to protect your energy but
I also think that creating healthier
relationships every day should be
something that we all focus on because
we hate to have regret by accidentally
saying something rude or something mean
to your loved ones because you know
they'll return so before we dive into
how to spot your ego or what to do with
it I think we should maybe start with
some definitions so there's two
different ways to Define ego in my
extensive Googling um one being the
psychological term which is a sense of
self and your conscientiousness so it
kind of differentiates us from animals
because we have our own thoughts and we
can decide for ourselves but the
definition I want to focus on today is
more in line with the definition of
pride or hubris um and my personal
definition is really that feeling that
almost feels uncontrollable when you
feel the need to protect yourself in a
defensive way um especially when it's
difficult to be vulnerable or accept
your flaws insecurities so that's for me
personal what what ego what ego stands
for what I've learned is ego comes into
our lives way more than we expect um
very common things are going to be
trying to be right all the time not
taking blame difficulty apologizing even
for small things um and then in ways
that I didn't even realize small and
large that can be challenging is things
like jealousy gossiping
bullying interrupting someone while
they're speaking speaking it's basically
all these times that you feel that you
need to be understood or you need to be
represented well you need to be loved
it's these innate human feelings that
are not crazy at all but sometimes we
react poorly to show that we need more
love or more care in those
moments um I'd like to share two stories
that have impacted me specifically when
it comes to Ego um the three other ways
that I think personally Define me that
I'm trying to break free from
perfectionism self- catastrophizing and
intrusive thoughts and ruminating so if
you can relate to me I'd love to have a
conversation about it later but
perfectionism for me is very difficult
because it's a set of rules and fake
bounds that I set for myself so for
instance I shouldn't wear these shoes
because it'll make me seem
unprofessional or I shouldn't make that
joke because it might be in bad taste I
don't want to seem shallow all these
different fake rules that I make for
myself it makes it difficult to to
breathe and live an authentic life and
truly be yourself when it comes to self-
catastrophizing you might be able to
relate sometimes when I go into a social
situation and my social anxiety is
rising during or after I'll think I
shouldn't have said that that sounded
Petty or what a ridiculous comment I
made or maybe my breath smells and I'll
think what if they don't like me and
then I'll switch to you know what I
don't need new friends I have I have
enough friends I didn't even like them
they were rude to the waiter I didn't
like their shirt I don't I don't even
need them in my life and that can come
up with dating with making friends with
your own partners and your C your
certain specific sense of rejection can
end up be coming outwardly sense of
judgment and then the last one being
intrusive thoughts and ruminating where
you could probably relate where you make
it or sorry catastrophizing self-
catastrophizing you make it about you
where if after this Ted Talk I head
straight to the bathroom and I don't say
hi to you you might think did my breath
smell or is she mad at me or kind of
making about you when in reality it's
just the reality of me needing to go to
the bathroom so those are all examples
of how ego can insert itself in your
life without you even knowing it so the
two stories I wanted to tell um one is a
little bit light-hearted and maybe you
can relate
basically at the end of a day my lovely
husband will come home and he'll say
something like hey you didn't unload the
dishwasher and old me I would like to
think old me would say something
like you think I just sit at home all
day waiting to unload the dishwasher
like I don't have better things to do
why didn't you come home during your
lunch break and unload the dishwashers
why is it my responsibility to unload
the
dishwasher knowing what I know now all
of that said most of it comes from a
sense of fear that he's he thinks I'm
lazy or uh an insecurity that I'm not a
good enough partner that I'm not
contributing to the household enough
because lo and behold he does unload the
dishwasher more than I do now I feel the
more responsible or maybe the Kinder way
thing to say is more like I'm sorry I
honestly didn't even know it needed
unloading or I didn't even think about
it I was too busy with whatever I was
doing or an even softer response could
be I had a really rough day it was hard
for me even to open up my laptop I I'm
sorry about that I I don't know if I let
you down but the nice thing about me
leading authentically with my response
is that now it's his job to be a good
partner and to respond with enough Grace
and kindness for myself he didn't come
in saying you're a bad partner you don't
contribute all those things that was me
self- catastrophizing and defending my
insecurities of those items on on their
own okay second example um it's a little
bit deeper so it actually has to do with
my father and how he put his ego ahead
of himself and ahead of myself so so I
had a pair of Toms in high school and I
don't know if you know what Toms are but
they're basically canvas slip-on shoes
kind of like the material for a paint
board and I have a best friend who's an
artist and at the time she was an
aspiring artist so what she did was for
my birthday is painted all of our
favorite cartoons and movies and inside
jokes on these pair of Tom shoes so
basically our entire friendship
symbolized in a physical form um one day
I couldn't find these shoes and I was
looking in a couple weeks later I found
them in the garage underneath the shelf
and it was so alarming because they were
ripped to shreds and I was in such shock
because it was like the ugliest thing
I'd ever seen it looked like a
wilderbeast or some s of animal that was
looking for a ribeye in my
shoes and honestly I was more in shock
than upset because I thought there was
an animal in the garage or something so
I went to my dad and I said do you know
what happened to these shoes and you can
imagine it's not the best response but
he said he yelled he
said you are so careless with all of
your things you just leave them
everywhere and how can you expect
anything good to happen if you just
leave your stuff everywhere turns out he
had run over my shoes with the lawn
mower when I left them in the grass
which albeit they were it was like a
thick tall grass so I understand it was
an honest mistake so I don't think the
the point of the story is not to share
that he responded poorly or he had a
moment of weakness it was really that me
being an ad
ENT I learned that you could talk to
your loved ones like that and that I had
mentioned my anger issues that leading
with anger instead of fear and
vulnerability was an acceptable response
and as a growing child into adulthood I
don't have regrets but I definitely have
sadness thinking about some of the
responses I've had for others you know
leading with that fear rather than love
and owning up to my mistakes when in
reality it was a very honest mistake
that he ran over the shoes but rather
than nurturing me and comforting me and
although it was my fault for leaving
them in in the grass it ended up being
about him and about his feelings of
guilt and shame and he wants to be a
good father so I'm not a parent but I
can understand that as a parent it can
be difficult trying to do right by you
and trying to do right by your child and
that seems very complex every day in and
out because you're battling your own
demons while also making sure that they
protected with theirs so I don't blame
my father but I do think that I have a
responsibility to figure out my anger
issues and my issues with shame and
guilt before passing it on to my
children or even my sister or my husband
or my team members um and just
understanding that even though I didn't
intend to hurt you that there is guilt
and regret for doing so even if it was
unintentionally so what do we do what do
we do now that we have talked about ego
and how it comes up and and how do we
move forward so back to the original
statement of acknowledge accept and
continue I think that's a really good
framework for where we should go from
this um Jay Shetty is a modern author
and podcaster former monk type person
but he has a good quote that I like that
was your ego will die a thousand deaths
but it will still return tomorrow and I
love that quote because it just reminds
you that you're human and no matter how
many wins you have with this struggle
against yourself you'll have a moment of
weakness or you'll have a place where
you know it does slip but you should
trust that your loved ones and the
people around you can really give you
Grace and continue to support you
regardless of that moment so acknowledge
being recognize when you feel guilty
when you feel shame when you're
correcting someone or trying to not take
the blame or ownership just recognize
that acknowledging that is a wonderful
first step accepting can be difficult
also it's accepting the fact that you
felt any sort of negative feeling and
just head on saying I feel like I'm not
enough I feel like I haven't been a good
partner I feel like I'm not a good
manager whatever that is recognize that
I'm telling myself these negative
thoughts and acknowledging that that's
not my definition and I'm trying to do
better um accepting also means
reflecting so what did I do right and
how could I improve are really good ways
of how you can speak softly to yourself
rather than well I should have done
differently I should have said this I
didn't mean to do that so it's a really
good way to say here's what I did right
and here's where I can improve and then
the last arguably the most important
part is the continuing piece and the
continuing piece is just so beautiful
because there's so many ways to continue
there's forgiveness for yourself for
slipping up there's forgiveness for my
father there's um also congratulating so
congratulating yourself for the little
wins that's continuing and patting
yourself on the shoulder for even doing
the work and recognizing that your ego
has a place in your life and then
there's um also bringing it to the table
and continuing every day being better
and trying again and just choosing to
wake up the next day and and be better
because we all know how difficult it can
be even just to get to the next day
there's a bonus in there it's
acknowledge accept and continue and the
bonus one is gifting so again from our
friend Jay Shetty um he has this concept
of when someone gives you a compliment
where you find an insecurity so for
instance if someone says oh SAR is so
beautiful I just love how it looks I'm
very insecure because I know that the
tile is chipped I know this isn't clean
and I know I didn't design it but rather
than just pushing the gift to the side I
should take it acknowledge it and thank
the person and say thank you for your
compliment I really appreciate that
especially because it's an insecurity of
mine and then the fourth piece of
gifting it is beautiful to say that you
know I actually had uh two designers
that volunteered their time and helped
us with the color scheme and my landlord
David Stone did a great job with helping
us pick out Cabinetry and marble so
gifting that compliment to someone who
you can give credit to also is a
beautiful way to show gratitude and to
compliment yourself as well as spreading
it to the community so to recap
acknowledge accept continue potentially
gift which is a great bonus um I have a
few extra statements to leave you with
one is you are not your worst moments
and it does not define you two
vulnerability is 100% a strength and not
a weakness three if you care about
something don't put it in my parents
backyard um but actually the third one
is acknowledge accept continue and if
you focus on the continue piece I know
you'll be in a great place thank you
very much
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
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