Why "Nice Guys" Fall For Toxic Women

Summary

In this insightful video, Sarah Dawn explores the complex dynamics between 'nice guys' and 'wounded women,' often drawn to each other due to unhealed childhood traumas. She delves into the subconscious patterns that lead to codependent relationships, where both parties seek validation and healing from each other, rather than within themselves. Sarah emphasizes the importance of authentic connection and the need to heal past attachments to build healthy relationships.

Takeaways

• 😔 Men from backgrounds with unhealed childhood wounds may bond with 'wounded women' due to maladaptive coping strategies formed in their youth.
• 💔 'Nice guys' often come from homes with maternal or paternal neglect, leading to a subconscious belief they must earn love and validation through pleasing others.
• 🏆 These men may overachieve in areas like academics and work to gain external validation, as a way to compensate for the lack of consistent love in their childhood.
• 🔁 The dynamic of attraction between 'nice guys' and 'toxic women' is rooted in a subconscious desire to fix and rescue each other, stemming from their respective childhood traumas.
• 🚫 Secure women who do not have issues with past relationships are less likely to be attracted to 'nice guys' as they seek a partnership rather than a rescue.
• 🔄 The initial intense attraction can lead to a power struggle in the relationship, where both parties are triggered by their past wounds and struggle with boundaries.
• 🤯 The fear of abandonment and the drive to avoid the original wound can lead to behaviors that are not authentic or healthy in the relationship.
• 💬 Communication issues arise from the fear of expressing needs and the lack of understanding of one's own emotional needs, leading to passive-aggressive behaviors.
• 🔄 The cycle of pleasing and seeking validation continues, even when it leads to disrespect and dissatisfaction, due to the deep-seated fear of abandonment.
• 👶 The behaviors in these relationships are often a replay of childhood patterns, where the individuals are acting out roles they learned from their early life experiences.
• 🌱 Healing from these patterns requires authentic self-expression, understanding one's own needs, and learning to communicate effectively without the fear of abandonment or rejection.

Q & A

What is the main topic of Sarah Dawn's video?

The main topic of Sarah Dawn's video is exploring why men with certain backgrounds and unhealed childhood issues tend to bond with wounded or toxic women.

What does Sarah Dawn suggest is the reason behind 'nice guys' developing maladaptive coping strategies?

Sarah Dawn suggests that 'nice guys' develop maladaptive coping strategies due to unhealed childhood wounds and the lack of consistent love in their upbringing, leading them to believe they need to earn love and validation.

What kind of childhood backgrounds does Sarah Dawn mention as contributing factors to the development of a 'nice guy'?

Sarah Dawn mentions backgrounds such as coming from a single mother home or experiencing severe maternal or paternal neglect as contributing factors.

How does Sarah Dawn describe the mindset of 'nice guys' in terms of seeking love?

Sarah Dawn describes the mindset of 'nice guys' as one where they feel the need to do things to achieve love because they believe they are not worthy of love just by being who they are.

What is the typical behavior of 'nice guys' in relationships according to the video?

According to the video, 'nice guys' tend to people please, show up in certain ways, give gifts, and find someone that needs them to bring value to the relationship.

What does Sarah Dawn suggest is the subconscious desire of the women who are drawn to 'nice guys'?

Sarah Dawn suggests that these women subconsciously desire to feel safe, to be rescued, and to have a man complete their life, often stemming from their own unhealed childhood wounds.

Why does Sarah Dawn believe that 'nice guys' and wounded women are drawn to each other?

Sarah Dawn believes they are drawn to each other due to a shared lack of wholeness and a subconscious desire to fix one another, with the man wanting to be the hero and the woman wanting to be rescued.

What does Sarah Dawn identify as a common issue in the relationships of 'nice guys' and wounded women?

Sarah Dawn identifies a lack of boundaries and a tendency towards codependency as common issues, leading to power struggles and emotional instability in the relationships.

How does Sarah Dawn explain the emotional outbursts and fights in these relationships?

Sarah Dawn explains that the emotional outbursts and fights stem from unmet expectations and a lack of safety, with both parties reverting to survival behaviors formed during their childhood.

What advice does Sarah Dawn offer to 'nice guys' and those with unhealed trauma?

Sarah Dawn advises them to be authentic, to understand and heal their attachments, to integrate their masculine aspects, and to seek validation from within rather than from others.

How can viewers gain more insights into the topic discussed by Sarah Dawn?

Viewers can gain more insights by joining Sarah Dawn's private community through the link provided in the video description.

Outlines

00:00

💔 The Attraction to Wounded Women and Unhealed Childhood Trauma

Sarah Dawn discusses the common phenomenon where men, particularly those from backgrounds with unhealed childhood wounds, are drawn to 'wounded women'. She explains that these men often come from homes with maternal or paternal neglect, leading to a subconscious belief that they must earn love and validation through pleasing others. This mindset can manifest in overachieving behaviors and a tendency to seek validation from women who need rescuing, mirroring their own unmet needs for love and acceptance from childhood.

05:00

🔄 The Cycle of Trauma and the Struggle for Emotional Safety

This paragraph delves into the dynamics of relationships formed from a place of unhealed trauma. Both partners, each with their own childhood wounds, are drawn to each other due to a subconscious desire to 'fix' one another. The woman seeks a man who will rescue her from her insecurities, while the man seeks a woman who will validate his worth. However, this dynamic often leads to a power struggle and emotional turmoil, as both partners are triggered by their past traumas and struggle to establish healthy boundaries and authentic communication.

10:02

🚫 The Impact of Unresolved Childhood Issues on Adult Relationships

Sarah explores how unresolved childhood issues can profoundly affect adult relationships. Men who have not healed from inconsistent parental love may believe they must constantly prove themselves to be worthy of love. This can lead to behaviors such as people-pleasing and an insatiable hunger for connection, often through sex or over-the-top gestures. The woman, on the other hand, may become overly critical and resentful due to her own unmet needs, creating a cycle of emotional instability and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

15:02

🌱 Healing the Past to Foster Authentic Relationships

The final paragraph emphasizes the importance of healing from past traumas to form authentic and healthy relationships. Sarah encourages men to show up authentically, without the need to earn love through grand gestures or achievements. She suggests that understanding and healing one's attachments and integrating masculine energy can help overcome the cycle of seeking validation from others. She invites viewers to join her community for further exploration and healing, concluding with an invitation for discussion and reflection on the topic.

Keywords

💡Nice guys

The term 'nice guys' in the script refers to men who may have grown up without consistent love or attention, leading them to believe they need to earn love through pleasing behaviors. This concept is central to the video's theme, as it explores the reasons why such men are drawn to 'wounded women' and the unhealthy dynamics that can result from these relationships.

💡Wounded women

The concept of 'wounded women' describes women who have experienced emotional trauma or neglect in their past, which has left them with a deep-seated need for validation and rescue. In the script, it is explained that these women may unconsciously seek out men who are 'nice guys' because they are drawn to the idea of being rescued or completed by a man.

💡Maladaptive coping strategies

Maladaptive coping strategies are behaviors or thought patterns that individuals develop to deal with stress or trauma, which may be unhealthy or unhelpful in the long term. The script mentions that both 'nice guys' and 'wounded women' have developed such strategies in response to their childhood experiences, which influence their adult relationships.

💡People pleasing

People pleasing is a behavior where an individual prioritizes the needs or desires of others over their own in an attempt to gain approval or love. In the context of the video, 'nice guys' are described as engaging in people pleasing as a way to feel valued and loved, stemming from their unhealed childhood wounds.

💡Schema

In the script, 'schema' refers to the mental frameworks or patterns that individuals develop early in life, which influence their perceptions and behaviors. For 'nice guys,' their schema may involve the belief that they must do things to achieve love, as they may not feel inherently worthy of love.

💡Self-esteem

Self-esteem is the value and respect that an individual holds for themselves. The video discusses how 'nice guys' may have low self-esteem due to a lack of consistent love in their childhoods, which leads them to seek validation from others and engage in people pleasing behaviors.

💡Trauma bonding

Trauma bonding is a psychological phenomenon where individuals form strong emotional connections with others who have similar or complementary emotional wounds. The script explains that 'nice guys' and 'wounded women' may be attracted to each other because they are drawn to each other's underlying childhood traumas.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity in the video refers to the state of being genuine, true to oneself, and expressing one's needs and feelings honestly. The script suggests that both 'nice guys' and 'wounded women' struggle with authenticity due to their unhealed traumas and the resulting maladaptive coping strategies.

💡Codependency

Codependency is a relationship dynamic where individuals rely excessively on each other for emotional support and validation, often to the detriment of their own well-being. The script describes how relationships between 'nice guys' and 'wounded women' can become codependent, with both parties seeking to fulfill unmet emotional needs in each other.

💡Abandonment wounds

Abandonment wounds refer to the emotional scars left by experiences of being left or abandoned, often in childhood. In the script, it is mentioned that both 'nice guys' and 'wounded women' may have abandonment wounds that drive their behaviors in relationships, such as pushing away or clinging to partners out of fear of being abandoned again.

💡Rescue complex

A rescue complex is a psychological pattern where an individual feels compelled to save or fix others, often as a way to validate their own worth. The video discusses how 'nice guys' may have a rescue complex, feeling drawn to 'wounded women' and believing that they can provide the healing or completion that these women seek.

Highlights

The video discusses the reasons why men from certain backgrounds may be drawn to 'wounded women' or toxic relationships.

Sarah Dawn introduces the concept of maladaptive coping strategies developed in childhood that influence adult relationships.

Men who didn't experience consistent love in childhood may develop a mindset of people-pleasing to gain love and validation.

The idea that 'nice guys' feel unworthy of love without doing things to achieve it is explored.

The video explains how a woman's subconscious desire for safety and the need to be rescued can lead to premature bonding.

Sarah points out that both parties in such relationships often come from a place of lack and seek to 'fix' each other.

Secure women are not interested in being rescued and prefer a partnership over people-pleasing tactics.

The video describes the intensity of attraction that can arise from both parties' unhealed childhood wounds.

The power struggle stage in relationships is highlighted, where initial bliss gives way to conflict and fear.

Sarah explains how unhealed trauma can lead to rival instincts overriding values in relationships.

The video discusses how a woman's expectations of a man can be unrealistic due to unresolved father wounds.

Men with unhealed trauma may believe they must try harder when faced with criticism or perceived rejection.

The video touches on the difficulty of achieving deep intimacy when both parties are driven by survival instincts.

Sarah emphasizes the importance of authenticity and self-awareness in avoiding destructive relationship patterns.

The concept of trauma bonding is introduced, explaining the mutual attraction to each other's wounds.

The video suggests that showing up authentically is crucial in the early stages of a relationship.

Sarah invites viewers to join her community for further discussion and support on healing from past traumas.

The video concludes with a call to action for viewers to reflect on their relationship patterns and seek change.

Transcripts

hi everyone welcome back to my channel

my name is Sarah Dawn and today we are

going to talk about why nice guys or

just in general why men who tend to come

from certain backgrounds and have some

unhealed finish business from their

childhood why do they typically bond

with Wounded women why do they fall for

toxic women what is going on behind the

scenes and I'm going to tell you I come

to you with thoughtful

expression and a thoughtful

consideration that this is neither one

of your fault these are maladaptive

coping strategies that you developed and

that she developed at a very young age

and why you are drawn to this if you

want more information on this too I just

opened up my community it's been open

for two weeks and there's almost more

than 220 men in the community so please

click the link in the description if you

want more information about my private

community so

these two people typically come from

equal and opposite ends of the spectrum

when it comes to their childhood and or

trauma that they

experience from his

perspective all he wants is to be loved

right to give his heart to someone who

won't disrespect him that he knows that

he can trust that he knows that he can

show up

for a lot of nice guys don't experience

consistent love in their childhoods they

either come from a single mother home or

they come from a situation where where

they experienced pretty severe maternal

or paternal neglect there was something

a Miss within their

background so they develop this thought

process they develop a certain schema

that I have to do things to achieve

love because I'm not necessarily worthy

of love just by being who I

am so a lot of nice guys will start to

learn people pleasing they'll start to

learn that I have to do I have to show

up a certain way I have to give gifts I

have to find someone that needs

me because that's how I bring

value if they don't need me then who am

I in relation to them okay so that is

the schema and that is the kind of

mindset that's happening on a

subconscious level that that is that you

don't know it's being formed but it is

being formed deeply within your

self-esteem and within your self-worth

so you'll overachieve you'll become the

guy who you know scholastically does

well who uses his job and his work to

gain that outside validation you start

getting these little hits and you start

realizing like oh I can study I can be

the best student I can be I can be a boy

that Mom is proud of I can be the

opposite of what my father was and never

hurt a woman and never stand up for

myself again this isn't happening at a

conscious level so then what happens you

meet a

girl or you're drawn to a woman or you

show up on a date and she's there and

Sparks are flying and there is this

attraction there's this feeling that of

exhilaration and you start moving closer

in now from her persp perspective let me

share with you what's going on with her

subconsciously that she only wants to

feel safe she's potentially been burned

by men and she'll tell you that pretty

upfront she's struggled with men leaving

her whether that's subconsciously or

consciously her father might have died

she might have had a troubled

relationship with men in her

past but a lot of times women like that

learn to bond prematurely they're very

flirtatious they're very

touchy they know that they can get a guy

with certain certain

strategies not necessarily doing it on

purpose but wearing certain types of

clothes appealing to a man's

physical attributes or or his visual

Acuity you know what I mean

um but what's really happening is that

she also has an underlying

wound that she's not good

enough that she needs to be rescued that

she needs to regulate with you that she

needs a man to complete her life she

feels somewhat empty she feels somewhat

lacking so you two both are coming into

this

situation from lack from a lack of

wholeness and there is a part of you

that is drawn to fixing one another to

to her being rescued and you being the

hero in the

story because that's that's

where you both are

comfortable a secure woman or a woman

who doesn't have a problem with the

relationships with men in her life she

doesn't want to be rescued she wants a

partnership she doesn't want you to

people please she doesn't want you to

bring her gifts she doesn't want you to

Rush the relationship like she has

boundaries she's secure with herself

there's not a hole there's not a there's

not a place inside of her that's

missing so all the tactics that you use

would not work on a secure woman she

would get turned off by that actually or

you wouldn't feel a spark because a lot

of times there's this intensity but that

intensity is coming from a place of of

wounding how every woman shows up on a

dat with a guy who she thinks could be

the one is like an insatiable

hunger it's this insatiable feeling of

Attraction of like holy

cow but a lot of times you're not

necessarily seeing all that all you're

feeling is a draw towards

her you might be like you might like her

a lot you might think that she's you

know someone that you could be with but

often times when you're so focused on

achieving a woman's atten or achieving a

woman's love it's not no so much about

the woman it's more so about getting and

capturing the

woman and then let me continue on with

the

story so what happens is typically you

get into this power struggle stage of a

relationship where the two people are

it's like Bliss it is hot it is heavy it

is going and you are in it

but at some point something kind of

shifts and you might experience this

feeling within

yourself where you either come on too

strong and you know that you fall really

hard and so a part of you kind of goes

is that happening here I need to kind of

like lay back a little bit so you

potentially begin to sabotage or you

potentially begin to run by doing two

things either literally running or

sabotaging things or going in

harder becoming more of everything that

she wants texting more being more

available being becoming even more of a

people pleaser it's like you sense that

there there starts to be this little bit

of a push and

pull because two people who don't grow

up in ideal situations in their

backgrounds with their homes there's a

lack of

boundaries so boundaries are a a crucial

part of the relationship that's missing

so the minute that conflict arises you

either you both are either going to be

triggered by your abandonment or your

Ames

wounds you're either too much I feel a

bandit so I'm going to push away to

protect myself it's like fear is driving

the behaviors in the

relationship it's not really relational

it's not really honest or authentic

because your backgrounds and what

happened in your childhood is fueling

the

attraction when you have unhealed trauma

you're Sur rival instincts will override

your values every single time because

you're so afraid of the original wound

coming back up that feeling is so strong

that you have to push it down by

mitigating

behaviors H so she once again comes on

really strong but then starts to get

very critical starts to come become very

resentful because she expects to man to

show up in ways that are potentially are

unrealistic because there's that father

wound there's that

lack so it's it's quite large it's quite

a large void to fill so it's never

really enough because it can't be enough

you're not her father you can't show up

that way so she'll start to become very

nitpicky resentful a little bit

judgmental and you'll be going what

happened to this girl that was so sweet

and so

kind now she's has emotional outbursts

and she's picking fights with me all the

time

and why is she doing

that it's because she's looking for

reassurance because she doesn't feel

safe but she doesn't feel safe with you

or any man thereafter or any man before

you because eventually what she's what

she's really looking for is the safety

within herself that she's missing but

she's looking for it in the arms of a

man which it's like going to Starbucks

and expecting to get a

bourbon you can't it's not going to

happen it's not work your expectations

are not aligned a relationship can only

meet

you halfway so she's expecting just too

much and then she starts to get

resentful because these resentments turn

you know these premeditated unmet

expectations that's where they turn into

resentment but the thing is is that your

mother the nice guy's mother and the guy

who has unhealed

trauma was also very inconsistent with

love so you grow up to believe that okay

if somebody's not happy with me I just

have to try

harder I have to just go in further I

have to just prove myself even more when

I when you go to get love your mother

was not necessarily there for you she

was emotionless she couldn't really give

you the love you so you're going to

someone who is emulating that experience

for you because that's what you're used

to you have an insatiable hunger for

connection

and a lot of men will try and get it

through sex they want that physical

connection and they also want that

emotional connection but it feels like

games because once again you can never

really truly have this deep intimacy

with one another because intimacy right

into me you see is all about being

yourself knowing yourself being

authentic being able to speak your needs

having proper boundaries being able to

get your needs met outside of a

relationship so when the relationship

becomes codep which It ultimately will

you both are just moving into

survival you both are just going what

can I do what can I say what am I going

to do that's not going to trigger the

person what am I gonna what am I going

to say that's going to make the person

leave I can't be my authentic

self again this is all happening

underneath the

surface now with her when a when a man

doesn't fulfill her expectations she

becomes reactive overcritical

but again it's just a little girl

screaming for help because she wants

that re Assurance deep down she's

potentially thinking that you're done

that you're going to leave that you that

you can't handle this and she'll fight

even harder to get you to pay attention

she doesn't want to that's not her

intention but she has no other choice

she is living as a little girl did back

at 10 years old when that original wound

take took place and of course you're

thinking I don't want this I'm just

going to shut down I'm going to begin

people pleasing I'm going to just I just

don't want this I want peace but all the

while you are a volcano that's about to

erupt you feel so

disrespected but you're either too

afraid to leave or you're too afraid to

voice your

opinion because you don't you don't even

know how to do that you're so out of

touch with what's happening inside of

you and you have been for so long

because you've pushed down your

emotional needs that's your that's your

normal cuz you hate disappointing people

men are men want to be of service you

want to be of service to a good woman

that's that's it's that's not only your

nature but it's what a good man does but

you do it at the sacrifice of your own

authenticity you do it at the sacrifice

of your own needs of your own wants in

spite of someone disrespecting you you

do it because you're also terrified of

the abandonment you're also terrified of

what's going to happen or you either

abandon you or you self-sabotage because

that's it you're done so I say all this

because you all can never really be

truly authentic with

yourself you hide things you hold

secrets you become passive aggressive

you give the silent treatment when you

don't get your needs met you don't know

how to how to really communicate at a

deep level at a depth of

connection because there is fear

underlying it so you're constantly

changing your behaviors you're

constantly working out of

survival that was formed when you were

children so this is a very very very

very familiar

pattern where it's hot in the beginning

you're attracted to each other's

wounding you're attracted to each

other's underlying childhood traumas

that's what they call trauma bonding

it's really just an energy of how you

are in the world at any given time and

if you sense that if a woman is sensing

that rescuer mindset and you're sensing

that you're getting validation from

pleasing her might I suggest to

you that that is a recipe for

disaster and you need to pay very very

close

attention to why you feel the need to

show

up with doing with re with earning love

with planning fancy dates with leading

with your achievements and your

accomplishments with doing things like

dropping off cards and Starbucks and

going out of your way to show a woman

that you like her or that you're

interested you need to you none of that

for the first couple of months you need

to show up authentically as you are and

I talk about this in my

community understanding how to heal your

attachments at a deeper level because

that's what really is at the core of

this is

unhealed stuff from the

past learning how to properly integrate

into your masculine

learning how to properly integrate into

healing the parts of you that are still

looking for validation that are still

living from that little boy

place so if you want to do that click

the link in the description let's go I

have a lot of experience on this topic

and I can't wait to see you in my

community but until next time I hope

this resonated with you tell me what

resonated with you in the comments and

let's have a discussion about it

all right thank you so much and I'll see

you on the next one