The Desire to Not Exist

Summary

This video script delves into the complex human desire to not exist, exploring its philosophical underpinnings and psychological implications. It references Dostoyevsky's 'The Brothers Karamazov' and thinkers like Albert Camus, Søren Kierkegaard, and Arthur Schopenhauer to examine the yearning for non-experience and the struggle with existence. The script also analyzes the anime 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' as a narrative embodying this existential crisis, discussing the characters' battles with loneliness, desire, and the search for self-worth. The sensory deprivation experience is highlighted as a means to understand the void, suggesting that embracing the absurd and accepting one's desires can lead to self-acceptance and transcend the wish for non-existence.

Takeaways

• 🌌 The desire to not exist is a complex psychological wish, not just a belief about life's characteristics.
• 🤔 The concept of non-experience, or the wish to disappear without death or sadness, is a unique existential yearning.
• 📚 Dostoevsky's 'The Brothers Karamazov' presents a debate on the existence of God and the nature of suffering in the world.
• 🤨 Ivan Karamazov's rejection of God's goodness leads to questioning whether we want to exist in a world filled with suffering.
• 📖 Albert Camus suggests that contemplating suicide is a fundamental philosophical question, touching on the meaning of life.
• 🧐 Cognitive dissonance may explain why people who wish to not exist continue living, as death is messy and final.
• 🚫 The desire for nothingness could be a reaction to prohibition, desiring what is deemed impossible.
• 🕊️ Soren Kierkegaard discusses the torment of the desire to not exist as a form of despair, linked to the concept of eternity.
• 🎭 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' uses philosophical influences to depict the struggle with the desire to not exist, particularly through the character Shinji.
• 🧘 Arthur Schopenhauer's philosophy on individual will and suffering is reflected in the anime's portrayal of existential loneliness.
• 🔮 The 'Human Instrumentality Project' in 'Evangelion' aims to eliminate individual suffering by merging all human consciousness into one.
• 🤝 Jacques Lacan's concept of 'the big other' is explored, suggesting that our desires form in response to separation from others.
• 💔 The feeling of shame arises from the fear of not being desired by the 'big other', which can lead to the desire to not exist.
• 💡 The sensory deprivation experience suggests that embracing the void can lead to contentment with existence rather than a rejection of it.
• 🛑 The solution to the desire to not exist may involve accepting the constant state of becoming, learning to define our own desires, and trusting in the acceptance of others despite friction.

Q & A

What is the desire to not exist as described in the script?

The desire to not exist, as described in the script, is a complex psychological yearning to disappear without causing sadness, violence, or death. It is not about wishing one was never born or self-destruction, but rather about the wish to fall asleep and never wake up again, experiencing non-experience.

What is the debate about the existence of God in Dostoyevsky's 'The Brothers Karamazov'?

In 'The Brothers Karamazov', the debate about the existence of God revolves around the suffering in the world. Ivan Karamazov argues that if God exists, He must be evil for creating a world with so much pain and suffering, including that of innocent children. He rejects the idea of God's goodness and questions the desire to exist in such a world.

How does Albert Camus' philosophy relate to the desire to not exist?

Albert Camus is known for stating that the fundamental question of philosophy is whether or not one should kill oneself. This relates to the desire to not exist in that it raises the question of the meaning and value of life, and whether life is worth living despite its inherent suffering.

What is cognitive dissonance and how does it relate to the desire to not exist?

Cognitive dissonance occurs when a person holds two contradictory beliefs but can only act on one of them. In the context of the desire to not exist, people may continue living because death is too messy and final. The easier belief to exhibit is to continue living, despite the desire to not exist.

What is the philosophical concept of 'eternity' as discussed in relation to the desire to not exist?

Eternity, in the philosophical context of the script, refers to a state where time seems to slow down or stop, and every day feels monotonous and unified. It is a state where one is held hostage by their own existence, unable to escape from themselves, which can lead to feelings of boredom, depression, and the desire to not exist.

How does the anime 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' depict the desire to not exist?

In 'Neon Genesis Evangelion', the desire to not exist is depicted through the character Shinji, who struggles with existential loneliness and the desire to escape his individual existence. The show explores this desire through philosophical influences and the concept of the 'Human Instrumentality Project', which aims to unify all human consciousness.

What is the 'Human Instrumentality Project' in 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'?

The 'Human Instrumentality Project' is a plan in 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' to destroy the boundaries of individual egos and merge all human consciousness into one total unit, aiming to achieve total harmony and eliminate suffering caused by individuality and separation.

What is the concept of 'the big other' as discussed in the script?

The 'big other' is a concept that represents an unknown entity or force that we believe desires something from us. It is a symbol or category that influences our desires and makes us question whether our desires and our selves are acceptable to it.

How does the desire to not exist relate to the concept of 'shame'?

Shame is related to the desire to not exist in that it arises from a deep disappointment with oneself for not being desired or valid. It involves viewing oneself from an external perspective, that of the 'big other', and feeling that one's desires and self are not acceptable.

What is the solution proposed in the script to overcome the desire to not exist?

The solution proposed in the script is to learn to decide for ourselves how we feel about our desires and what causes them, rather than seeking validation from an external 'big other'. It involves accepting the potential pains of desire and taking the risk to be accepted by others, which can lead to self-acceptance and moving beyond the desire to not exist.

What role does sensory deprivation play in understanding the desire to not exist?

Sensory deprivation, as experienced in a tank of saltwater that eliminates the senses, provides a glimpse into the state of nothingness that those with the desire to not exist yearn for. It offers a unique perspective on the peace and contentment that can be found in the absence of sensory input and external judgment.

Outlines

00:00

🌌 The Yearning for Non-Existence

This paragraph explores the complex psychological phenomenon of desiring non-existence, which is distinct from the wish for death or self-destruction. It discusses the idea as presented in Dostoevsky's 'The Brothers Karamazov', where Ivan Karamazov questions the existence of a benevolent God in a world filled with suffering. The paragraph also references Albert Camus's philosophy on the absurdity of life and the desire for non-experience. It touches on cognitive dissonance and the human tendency to desire the impossible, as well as Soren Kierkegaard's view on despair and the eternal, suggesting that the desire to not exist is a form of psychological and existential struggle.

05:00

🤖 Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Battle with Existence

The second paragraph delves into the themes of existential loneliness and the desire to not exist as portrayed in the anime 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'. It discusses the character Shinji's internal struggle and how the show uses the philosophical ideas of Arthur Schopenhauer to explore individual suffering caused by separate wills. The 'Human Instrumentality Project' is highlighted as a narrative device to address the desire for unity and the end of individual pain. The paragraph also examines Jacques Lacan's concept of 'the big other' and how desires form in response to perceived lacks, leading to feelings of shame and a longing for non-existence.

10:02

🕊 The Pursuit of Nothingness and Self-Acceptance

This paragraph examines the desire to not exist as a form of escapism from the burdens of individual existence and unmet desires. It discusses the character Shinji's journey in 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' and how his self-worth is tied to his perceived desirability to others. The experience of a sensory deprivation tank is used as a metaphor for exploring the state of nothingness, leading to a realization that existence itself is not inherently negative. The paragraph concludes with the idea that by understanding and accepting our desires, we can find contentment and move beyond the desire to not exist, emphasizing the importance of self-acceptance and personal growth.

15:04

🌟 Embracing Existence and the Power of Acceptance

The final paragraph focuses on the process of self-acceptance and the decision to embrace existence despite its challenges. It discusses the importance of understanding our desires and not seeking external validation from an imagined 'big other'. The paragraph suggests that by accepting the dynamic nature of relationships and the constant state of becoming, we can mitigate feelings of shame and despair. It concludes with the idea that taking risks and accepting the potential pains of desire are essential steps towards self-acceptance and moving beyond the desire to not exist, ultimately finding peace and contentment in life.

Keywords

💡Existence

Existence refers to the state of being or having a real, objective presence. In the video's context, it is tied to the philosophical inquiry about the nature of being and the desire some people have to not exist. The script discusses the existential crisis and the yearning to 'magically disappear' without causing sadness or death, as a way to escape the pains and disappointments of life.

💡Desire to Not Exist

The desire to not exist is a complex psychological state where individuals wish to experience non-experience, essentially to cease being without the finality of death. This concept is central to the video's theme, exploring the reasons why some might wish to escape existence and the implications of such a desire. The script uses the phrase 'the desire to not exist' to delve into the psychological and philosophical aspects of this yearning.

💡Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. In the video, it is suggested that people who wish to not exist continue living because death is messy and final, choosing the belief that is easier to exhibit. The script uses cognitive dissonance to explain why individuals might continue to live despite their desire for non-existence.

💡Eternity

Eternity, in the philosophical sense, refers to an infinite or unending time. The video discusses the concept of eternity in relation to the desire to not exist, suggesting that the torment of this desire is the hopelessness of not being able to die. The script references Kierkegaard's work to illustrate how the perception of an unchanging self in eternity can be a source of dread.

💡Desire

Desire is a strong feeling of wanting to achieve something or to obtain something. The video explores the nature of desire, particularly the desire to not exist, and how it forms in response to perceived lack or dissatisfaction. The script mentions how desire can lead to shame and feelings of non-acceptance, especially when it conflicts with the perceived desires of the 'big other'.

💡Shame

Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrongs or improper behavior. In the video, shame is connected to the desire to not exist, arising when individuals feel they are not desired or accepted by others. The script discusses how shame can lead to a deep disappointment with oneself and a desire to escape one's existence.

💡Big Other

The 'big other' is a concept from Lacanian psychoanalysis, referring to an entity or force that is perceived to have power over us, often associated with societal expectations or the desires of others. The video uses the term to discuss how individuals' desires are shaped by their perceptions of what the 'big other' lacks or desires. The script illustrates how this concept can lead to feelings of shame and the desire to not exist.

💡Sensory Deprivation

Sensory deprivation is a state where one or more of the senses are deprived of their normal stimuli, often used in therapeutic or experimental settings. The video mentions sensory deprivation tanks as a method to simulate the experience of nothingness. The script describes the narrator's personal experience in such a tank, which helps to understand the desire for non-experience.

💡Neon Genesis Evangelion

Neon Genesis Evangelion is an anime series that is referenced in the video as a narrative exploring themes of existential loneliness and the desire to not exist. The video discusses how the main character, Shinji, embodies the desire to not exist and how the series presents existential arguments through its characters and plot.

💡Acceptance

Acceptance, in the context of the video, refers to the process of acknowledging and embracing one's desires and existence despite the potential for pain or rejection. The video suggests that accepting oneself and one's desires can be a step towards overcoming the desire to not exist. The script mentions how accepting the potential pains of desire can lead to self-acceptance and a move away from the desire for non-existence.

Highlights

Millions or billions of people have felt the desire to not exist, which is rarely discussed.

The desire to not exist is a yearning to disappear without sadness, violence, or death.

Dostoevsky's 'The Brothers Karamazov' debates the existence of God and the nature of suffering.

Ivan Karamazov rejects the notion of God's goodness and questions the desire to exist in a cruel world.

Albert Camus suggests that contemplating suicide answers the fundamental question of philosophy.

The desire to not exist is a complex psychological wish, not merely a belief about life's characteristics.

Cognitive dissonance may lead people to desire non-existence as it's easier than accepting death.

Desire for nothingness may be a response to prohibition, as the impossible is more desired for its impossibility.

Søren Kierkegaard's 'The Sickness Unto Death' explores the torment of the desire to not exist.

In Kierkegaard's view, despair is a response to the eternity that lies after death.

Eternity in life is experienced through the slow passage of time and the unity of monotonous days.

Neon Genesis Evangelion is an anime that explores existential loneliness and the desire to not exist.

Arthur Schopenhauer's philosophy is a major influence on Neon Genesis Evangelion, discussing individuality and suffering.

The Human Instrumentality Project in Evangelion aims to unify all human consciousness to eliminate suffering.

Jacques Lacan's psychoanalysis suggests that desire forms in response to our separation from one another.

Shame arises from the feeling of not being desired and the desire of the 'big other'.

The desire to not exist can be seen as an expression of frustration at one's individual existence.

Sensory deprivation tanks offer an experience close to nothingness, providing insight into the desire to not exist.

Accepting oneself and one's desires can help overcome the desire to not exist and lead to personal growth.

Transcripts

it's likely that millions perhaps even

billions of people have at one point or

another felt the desire to not exist

now when i say not exist i'm not talking

about the way some people wish they had

never been born or even somebody's

self-destructive fantasies no the desire

to not exist is the yearning to

magically disappear preferably in a way

that doesn't require any sadness

violence or death

you may know it as the wish to fall

asleep and never wake up again

as often as this desire is felt it's

mysteriously rarely discussed

what i found surrounding why we

sometimes feel this way says a lot about

the nature of our existence desires and

how we interpret the existence of others

and one of the most memorable scenes

from dostoyevsky's novel the brothers

karamazov a monk and an atheist walk

into a bar

their brothers qaramazov to be exact

what ensues is a debate about the

existence of god albeit an

unconventional one

in our world nobody escapes the torture

of daily pains and disappointment even

children suffer in horrific extremes

thus god the elder of the two brothers

maintains must be evil to have

introduced us to such a world any

promises of paradise after this life are

just taunts

life is about a cruel angel's thesis

it's not that i don't accept god

i just most respectfully return him the

ticket he says

ivan karmaza rejects all notions of

god's goodness but even further than

that we can interpret that for ivan it

is not so important to contemplate

whether or not god exists the question

that must be asked is whether or not we

want to exist in a world like this one

this idea would be repeated by albert

camus who famously made the remark that

in deciding whether or not one should

kill oneself one answers the fundamental

question of philosophy

when we think of the desire to not exist

we usually imagine something akin to

this kind of thinking the idea that life

is meaningless and insufferable is a

popular one

however when compared to these outlooks

the desire to not exist is unique

what these individuals desire is not

death but to experience non-experience

the desire is not a logical set of

beliefs about the characteristics of

life but a complex psychological wish

furthermore not everyone who longs for

nothingness thinks existence is entirely

unbearable

to not want to die but also wanting to

simply not exist implies a contradictory

hope that one might continue to go on

living

i think the most tempting way to explain

this is to bring up what is called

cognitive dissonance when a person has

two contradictory beliefs but can only

embody one of them they will pick the

one that is easier to exhibit in this

case it's easy to suggest that the

people who would like to not exist

continue to live their lives because

death is much too messy and final it

takes a certain dedication to accept

death

of course there is something to be said

for this idea after all most people

would hesitate to see death as a

solution to their problems but this

outlook of cognitive dissonance ignores

the intense feeling these individuals

still experience

not to mention the ways they'll still

attempt to replicate nothingness in

their own lives

one way of reading this contradiction is

that it is prohibition that leads to

fantasy we desire that which we cannot

have

not only is nothingness impossible we're

told that we must not achieve it

we might therefore desire nothingness

simply as a way to exert our freedom

the impossible is desired all the more

for its impossibility

one of the best references to the desire

to not exist can be found in the

philosopher soren kierkegaard's book the

sickness unto death

kierkegaard's argument is that the

torment of the desire to not exist is

the hopelessness of not even being able

to die

death means an end to life a perceived

nothingness though not a sickness that

will literally end in death once a more

horrifying reality than death is

encountered one will wish they could die

when even this last respite is taken

from them the desire to disappear will

consume them in an act that kierkegaard

calls despair

but as we've already discussed those

that suffer from the desire to not exist

don't exactly want to die kierkegaard a

deeply religious thinker thought of

despair as a response to the eternity

that lies after death

by replacing his mentions of death with

the idea of nothingness we lose

something from his writings but even if

we disassemble this part of his argument

the most fascinating portion still

remains

there exists even in life simulated

perceptions of eternity when time is

slowed to a crawl and every monotonous

day bleeds out in unity we are held a

hostage of eternity

boredom depression and nostalgia all

linger here

but some of the less familiar residents

of non-time also deserve a mention the

delirious ache of desire is felt here

and it is also in the silence of

eternity that we catch our glimpse of

nothingness eternity is important to

kierkegaard's argument because it

preserves everything he says a

despairing person wishes they could be

freed from

it's an eternity that the self remains

immutable that's exactly what can be so

dreadful about it

a self is a heavy burden

during the total cease fire of time the

inability to escape from ourselves grows

ever more prominent under the right

conditions that can be its own form of

suffering

[Music]

at a first glance the anime neon genesis

evangelion appears to be about angsty

teens piloting giant robots as they

fight otherworldly entities referred to

as angels

but in reality the show is about one 14

year old boy's fight with his desire to

not exist

of course spoilers ahead

each of the main characters suffers from

an intense existential loneliness

however it's in shinji a character

modeled after the anime's creator that

we find the show's depiction of this

desire

episode 16 is even titled the sickness

unto death in reference to kierkegaard

ava isn't shy about naming its

philosophical influences by explicitly

using philosophy neon genesis evangelion

presents us with an interesting

existential argument

in order to understand that argument we

need to take a look at the ideas of the

philosopher arthur schopenhauer another

one of the anime's major influences

in his book the world as will and

representation schopenhauer describes

the way individuality can cause

suffering he argues that the world is

made up of will and representation while

the total universe is in fact one thing

operating in unity human beings each

have their own will distinct from that

of the universe and each other

furthermore each person only experiences

a limited sample of the total universe

causing them to have their own unique

perspectives longings and pains

deschopenhauer as long as human beings

exist separately from one another there

will be suffering this dilemma is

portrayed countless times in evangelion

as the main cast of characters

repeatedly struggled to deal with the

pain inherent to the process of becoming

close to another person

ava doesn't just stop here though the

shadowy organization zela german for

soul seeks the literal unification of

all human life through what is called

the human instrumentality project

the project is intended to destroy the

boundaries of our egos and allow for

total harmony as each person's

consciousness is merged into one total

unit

don't leave me

don't ignore me

don't kill me

what the hell is this

this apocalyptic event will unite all

minds hearts and bodies as one in the

movie end of evangelion after the human

instrumentality project is unwittingly

put into motion by shinji we're

presented with a surreal commentary on

the psychology of those who desire

nothingness

help me

please oscar you're the only one for me

you're lying

you know you are you'd run up to anyone

you're afraid of misato and rey you're

afraid of your father and your mother

it's just that now you're only running

to me

it's the easiest and late painful thing

to do come on oscar help me the truth is

you've never really loved anybody the

psychoanalyst and philosopher jacques

lacroix suggested that her desires form

in response to our separation from one

another

le cor often discussed the existence of

something called the other

we can understand his mentions of the

other in two ways first as someone who

is not you

second as the big other a more ignomatic

character

the big others essential feature is that

we struggle to know what it desires

despite our persistent efforts to find

out

the big other is not a person parser

it is a symbol a category

all desire forms in response to some

lack in our lives

all desire fundamentally presupposes

other desires

and all desire craves recognition the

khan's argument is that your desire

comes from your best guess as to what

the big other lacks or desires

the big other is always present in the

mind it's imagined presence leading you

to wonder if your desire is acceptable

and more importantly if you as you

define yourself are a desirable person

schopenhauer saw the individual will of

the self as a pointless striving with no

end

to him only suffering arises from our

wants because our wants can only stem

from an initial dissatisfaction

this also applies to what lacal is

saying here about desire

there are many ways one's desire might

repel others and it is always a fact

that we never truly comprehend what the

other desires from us

the burden of desire easily finds itself

implicated alongside pain

evangelion makes a very important point

that obsessing over the desire of the

other can introduce feelings of shame

ending and the desire to not exist

shame is a deep disappointment with

oneself for not being desired a feeling

that the whole self isn't valid

yet it can only be felt before something

of an audience even if it's an imagined

one

in shame we view ourselves from an

exterior perspective that of the big

other

the desire of the big other isn't as

simple a matter as merely doing what

other people want from us it's about

wanting the thing other people want

shinji is afraid that he has no

desirable qualities other than being the

pilot of his eva and to be fair he's not

so far off he's let the demands of other

people dominate him demands that stem

from their own unresolved issues

visado wants shinji to be what she could

never be asaka wants him to be less

apologetic in pursuing her and by the

end of it all it's still not really

clear what his father desires of him

notorious is the dynamic that plays out

as a result

shinji thrashes about an indecision

hesitant to pilot his eva knowing the

pain it will cause him but nonetheless

wanting to please others

he's told to only do it if he wants to

which is really just a more severe way

of being told to do it and enjoy it

the presentation of a choice here is

really an illusion

all this culminates into the conflict of

shinji's own desires as they bite and

cower at the desire of the big other

in certain scenes and through certain

responses we see that shinji is a shame

that his desires are not those of the

others

one can think life is full of good and

still not want to fully take part in it

rebelling against all existence he

thinks he has acquired evidence against

existence against its goodness the

despairer thinks that he himself is this

evidence

acting against what we desire or feeling

disgust at what we desire both lead to

shame

both involve a sensitivity to the big

other desire always plays some sort of a

role in shame because the true nature of

our wants constitutes a fundamental part

of the self

despair over something such as rejection

really is despair over having a self

rights kierkegaard i believe the desire

to not exist can be understood as an

expression of frustration at one's

individual existence

despair rages in each of us as we

acknowledge the truth that we are not

one but rejection especially bruises

those who desperately want to be desired

these persons who suffer from the desire

to not exist really want to have no

desires to experience the freedom and

peace of a complete dissolution of the

self as it is known

we will never be one but after i cease

all striving forward perhaps i can numb

the pain inflicted on me by my neglected

desires

everything that matters to me matters in

this world and that's the precise reason

i find it all so tiring

the cold anesthesia of nothingness is

the nuclear option for desire

this attitude of distance is fully

displayed in the behaviors tied to the

desire to not exist

there's just one more thing i wanted to

understand

what's the solution

in order to figure that out i first

thought it necessary to get as close as

possible to actually experiencing

nothingness myself

sensory deprivation tanks are pods of

saltwater that work to eliminate each of

the five senses

in them there's no light sound or

gravity in order to experience what

nothing this is like i decided to jump

into one of these things

after setting up an appointment at a

place that offered these i step in and

begin to float

the lights turn off and slowly my world

is ending

finally only i remain

there is nothing

only warm primordial blackness

my body is sleek from the salt the water

feels as if it expands out infinitely

my limbs grow heavy in the darkness my

eyes project forth the after images of

meaningless shapes and colors that i

spend some time assembling into coherent

objects

my time in that pod felt both

instantaneous and infinite almost like a

dream

when it did end stepping out of the

darkness i felt as if i was emerging

from an imaginary space deep within

myself

and yet i found that the peace i

experienced there did not make me hate

existence

i rather felt content with it

in episode 20 of evangelion shinji is

dissolved into a primordial soup inside

of his mecca with only his consciousness

remaining

kind of like me here

given the choice to remain in the state

of nothingness or to return to the

physical world he contemplates his

self-worth

we're again introduced here to the fact

that shinji determines the value of his

existence through how desirable he is to

others

we are to understand however the

solution that is proposed here as it is

this that ultimately influences shinji

desire to return to the real world

it's your future only you can decide

shinji

you must make a choice

off philosophy is in some way an

interpretation of the philosopher's own

experiences

sensory deprivation although not as

surreal an experience as to what shinji

goes through here helped me to

understand that there is yet another way

to imagine ourselves returning life the

ticket

we do not need to allow the immediacy of

our existence to define us

we can learn to create out of the void

that we yearn to return to

we all have the ability to go from

feeling a mixture of pleasure and guilt

in our desire to feeling secure in the

thing that propels our desire

i believe that part of this process is

learning to decide for ourselves how we

feel about our desires and what causes

them instead of presenting ourselves to

be judged by a jury of our own conjuring

we must understand that everything in

this life is in the constant state of

becoming

all people will continue to grow closer

and farther from each other in an

endless a variety of ways

in our simulated eternities we fear that

we will always be prone to repeat the

same mistakes to desire the same things

and to always be the disgusting person

we are now

if we trust in the idea that even the

absurd is possible we can instead push

forward to carve out opportunities for

our acceptance

shame arises when we trust in the big

other to decide what is acceptable for

us

but the actual people in our lives while

they might not always agree with what we

desire still have the chance to accept

us if we trust them

friction will always exist between what

they want and what we want

accept that and you can take the risk to

be accepted yourself

in taking that risk and accepting the

potential pains of desire you'll already

have made steps towards accepting

yourself

and moved beyond the desire to not exist

if you enjoyed this video you'll

absolutely love my video on the game

with a perfect portrayal of trauma