The Shift :breakups with avoidants

Summary

The transcript discusses the dynamics of breakups with avoidant partners, highlighting the emotional disconnect that happens during and after the split. Avoidant individuals mentally prepare for the breakup, often leaving their partner blindsided. Initially, the avoidant partner experiences relief, while the other feels shock and grief. Over time, however, both parties' emotional states shift—those left behind begin healing, while the avoidant partner starts to question their decision. The speaker emphasizes the uncertainty surrounding future outcomes and the possibility of reconnection, urging individuals to continue living their lives rather than waiting for their ex to return.

Takeaways

• 😮 Avoidants often mentally prepare for a breakup before it happens, so they aren't blindsided like their partner may be.
• 😕 The avoidant person experiences relief after a breakup, as they've been grappling with internal conflict leading up to the decision.
• 😭 The non-avoidant partner often feels blindsided and falls into deep grief right after the breakup, creating a stark emotional contrast between both parties.
• 🛤️ After the breakup, avoidants quickly embrace a new life, often engaging in activities like dating or hobbies, while their ex is stuck in grief.
• 🤔 As time passes, the avoidant partner's initial relief fades, and they begin to reflect on whether they made the right decision.
• 💔 Both parties eventually begin to stabilize emotionally, reaching a point where their emotional states intersect, leading to potential reconsideration of the breakup.
• 🔄 It's common for avoidants to start questioning their decision a few months after the breakup, especially once the novelty of their new life wears off.
• 🧠 Even if they enter a new relationship, avoidants may feel stuck between maintaining their new life or returning to their ex, resulting in a difficult decision-making process.
• ⏳ Reconsideration of the breakup may take months, and the outcome can vary greatly depending on individual circumstances.
• 💬 Ultimately, whether or not an avoidant reaches out depends on their internal reflection, but the ex-partner shouldn't wait around and should focus on rebuilding their own life.

Q & A

What is the typical reaction of an avoidant person after a breakup?

An avoidant person typically feels immediate relief after a breakup. They have mentally prepared for it in advance, so once they initiate the breakup, they feel a sense of freedom and escape from the problems they were facing.

Why does the person being broken up with often feel blindsided by the breakup?

The person being broken up with feels blindsided because the avoidant partner has likely been dealing with the issues internally, without communicating their concerns. As a result, the breakup comes as a shock since the issues seemed manageable from the other partner's perspective.

How do the emotional stages of an avoidant and their partner differ right after the breakup?

Right after the breakup, the avoidant is in a stage of relief and acceptance, while the other partner is in shock and deep grief. This creates a large emotional gap between them, as they are experiencing the breakup in completely different ways.

Why does the avoidant feel relief after the breakup?

The avoidant feels relief because they have been experiencing inner turmoil and discomfort, trying to figure out how to end the relationship. Once the decision is made and the breakup happens, they escape the stress of staying in the relationship, which brings a sense of peace.

What happens to the avoidant person after the initial relief period wears off?

After the relief period, the avoidant person starts to settle down emotionally and question their decision. As they stabilize in their new life, they begin to reflect on the past relationship, which can lead them to reconsider whether they made the right choice.

How does the emotional state of the person who was broken up with change over time?

Initially, the person who was broken up with is in shock and grief, struggling to cope. Over time, they begin to stabilize emotionally, though they are still far from fully recovering. As they slowly regain their balance, they start to feel more stable, although the pain may persist.

Why do ex-partners often reconnect months after a breakup, especially with an avoidant partner?

Ex-partners often reconnect months later because, by that time, both have gone through significant emotional shifts. The avoidant person begins to reflect on the relationship as their initial relief fades, and the other partner becomes more emotionally stable. This creates an intersection where both may reconsider the breakup.

What challenges do avoidants face if they want to reconnect after the breakup?

Avoidants face the challenge of dealing with the emotional damage they caused during the breakup. They often feel uncertain about how to approach their ex, knowing they caused pain. Additionally, they may have built a new life, which complicates the decision to reconnect.

How should the person who was broken up with handle the time after the breakup?

The person who was broken up with should focus on living their life, healing, and moving forward. They should not wait for the avoidant to return or make decisions based on the hope of reconciliation. Instead, they should prioritize their own emotional well-being.

Is reconciliation possible after a breakup with an avoidant partner?

Reconciliation is possible, but it depends on both partners' emotional readiness and their ability to address the issues that caused the breakup. The avoidant may come to reconsider their decision, but the other partner must assess whether they are willing to reenter the relationship given the damage that was done.

Outlines

00:00

💔 The Aftermath of Avoidant Breakup

This paragraph discusses the emotional journey following a breakup with an avoidant partner. Initially, the avoidant partner blindsides their significant other with a breakup, which they've mentally prepared for, leading to an immediate sense of relief. In contrast, the other partner experiences shock and grief. Over time, the avoidant partner begins to build a new life, while the other struggles to cope with the loss. Eventually, months later, the avoidant partner may start to question their decision and miss their ex, while the other partner begins to stabilize and regain balance. The paragraph highlights the emotional distance between the two individuals post-breakup and the eventual intersection of their healing processes.

05:00

🤔 The Reckoning After Avoidant Breakup

The second paragraph delves into the decision-making process that follows the initial stages of breakup with an avoidant partner. It suggests that the avoidant partner will eventually reconsider their decision to end the relationship, typically around three to six months post-breakup. At this point, they may face a dilemma: whether to attempt to repair the old relationship or to continue with their new life. The paragraph emphasizes the uncertainty of the outcome and the challenges both parties may face in deciding how to proceed. It also touches on the potential for reconciliation and the importance of understanding that both individuals are dealing with human struggles and coping mechanisms that are influenced by their unique experiences.

Keywords

💡Avoidant

Avoidant refers to a person with avoidant attachment tendencies who struggles with emotional closeness and may fear intimacy. In the context of the video, the avoidant person initiates a breakup due to the discomfort of growing closeness, which they avoid by ending the relationship. This behavior leads to a disconnect, where the avoidant partner feels relieved while the other partner is blindsided.

💡Relief stage

The relief stage occurs when the avoidant partner initially feels a sense of freedom and peace after the breakup. This phase follows a period of internal struggle leading up to their decision to end the relationship. For the avoidant, breaking up feels like a release from the burden of emotional conflict, while their ex-partner is often left feeling shocked and devastated.

💡Grief

Grief refers to the emotional process both partners go through after a breakup, though they experience it at different times. The non-avoidant partner immediately enters the grieving process, struggling to understand the breakup, while the avoidant partner delays their grief until later, often after the initial relief stage fades.

💡Blindsiding

Blindsiding refers to the sudden shock one partner experiences when they are unexpectedly broken up with. In the video, the non-avoidant partner is blindsided because they were unaware of the avoidant partner's internal conflict, as avoidants typically do not express their concerns openly before ending the relationship.

💡Intersection

Intersection is the point in time when both partners' emotional states begin to align after a breakup. The avoidant partner's relief stage fades, and they begin to reflect on the relationship, while the non-avoidant partner starts to stabilize emotionally. This intersection is when reconciliation or renewed reflection on the relationship may occur.

💡Crisis mode

Crisis mode describes the mental state of the avoidant partner leading up to the breakup. Although their distress may not be visible to their partner, they are overwhelmed internally by the pressures of the relationship and the fear of emotional closeness, which pushes them to end the relationship as a way to escape their discomfort.

💡New life

New life refers to the fresh experiences, activities, and relationships the avoidant partner engages in after the breakup. They may seek distractions such as dating, traveling, or taking up new hobbies to distance themselves from the emotional weight of their former relationship. This new life serves as a temporary coping mechanism for them.

💡Self-sabotage

Self-sabotage occurs when the avoidant partner intentionally or unconsciously creates barriers to the relationship progressing, often due to fear of intimacy or emotional dependence. This can manifest as emotional withdrawal, lack of communication, or eventually ending the relationship to avoid deeper emotional connection.

💡Treading water

Treading water describes the emotional state of the non-avoidant partner in the months following the breakup. They are not completely healed but are slowly stabilizing and starting to regain balance after being devastated by the breakup. This stage reflects the slow process of moving forward without significant progress.

💡Reconciling

Reconciling refers to the period when the avoidant partner begins to reconsider their decision to break up, usually months after the separation. This is when they reflect on the past relationship, possibly questioning whether leaving was the right choice, especially as the emotional relief from the breakup begins to fade.

Highlights

Avoidant partners often mentally prepare for the breakup long before it happens, leaving the other partner blindsided.

The avoidant partner stacks up reasons for the breakup but doesn't communicate them, leading to a sudden exit from the relationship.

Avoidant behavior stems from a discomfort with closeness, often leading to self-sabotage in relationships.

After initiating the breakup, the avoidant partner experiences relief, having already gone through the emotional turmoil privately.

The non-avoidant partner, on the other hand, experiences shock and devastation, as they were not prepared for the breakup.

Immediately after the breakup, both partners are at completely different emotional stages: the avoidant partner feels relief, while the other feels at their lowest.

The avoidant partner moves forward quickly, engaging in new activities and relationships while the other partner struggles to cope with the grief.

Over time, the avoidant partner begins to settle into their new life and question their decision to leave the relationship.

At the same time, the non-avoidant partner starts to stabilize emotionally, though still far from fully recovered.

Months after the breakup, both partners may reach a point where they intersect emotionally, leading to the avoidant partner reconsidering the breakup.

Avoidants often begin to feel the loss of the relationship once the initial relief has worn off.

During this phase, avoidants may question whether the new life they've created is truly better than the old one.

Avoidants are typically more conflict-avoidant and prefer to exit relationships rather than address problems directly.

The decision to reconsider the breakup may take months, but avoidants may feel stuck in the new life they’ve created, making it hard to go back.

The person who was broken up with has to consider whether they can repair the relationship after the damage caused by the breakup.

Transcripts

after a breakup with someone on the

avoidant side there's a major shift that

takes place months after the breakup and

it's worth talking about so when there's

a breakup with someone on the avoidant

side they're usually blindsiding you in

some way and for them it's not really a

blindsiding because it's been them

stacking up some reasons for the breakup

kind of in line with whatever the real

reason is of why they want to exit the

relationship and that can be anything

from um you know having trouble getting

to the next level of that relationship

getting too close feeling like they need

to self- sabotage uh all kinds of

reasons why people on the avoidant side

are going to exit relationships so while

they're working them that out in their

own head within this

relationship you have no idea what the

heck is going on because they're not

expressing themselves to you hence you

know the avoidant behavior so because of

this when they finally come to you and

are ready to exit the relationship

they're usually in crisis mode it

usually means that they've been trying

to work it out they can't so their only

answer to get out of the discomfort the

pain the sadness the turmoil whatever is

to kind of take that relationship and um

walk away from it really uh in essence

and so when they walk away from that

relationship they have mentally prepared

for it whether you think so or not and

because they're mentally prepared for it

they kind of take it on the chin they

just feel as though okay this is what

had to happen this is the only way

around this and we need aak breakup so

they are immediately in a place of

relief because they probably thought

about the breakup it was a lot for them

to consider there's a lot of turmoil

going on when people are considering how

do I tell this person how do I exit how

do I go for this breakup so once they do

it they're feeling a sense of relief and

they're almost in the acceptance stage

of a breakup first or of grief I should

say on the other hand you're falling off

a cliff because you have no idea that

this is happening you know there are

some problems in the relationship but

they seem fixable they seem doable so

you feel as though this doesn't make any

sense to me your shock is the first

stage that you're going to hit so right

upon breakup you are at your lowest

point they are almost at a high point so

you are as far away from each other at

this breakup than you could have ever

imagined ever in fact when you're

grieving and they are kind of off

starting their brand new life you feel

as though they're living their best life

they don't miss me they're not thinking

about me they're not checking in on me

and you are feeling so alone you almost

can't imagine how you're both having

this experience and how you're handling

it this way and they're handling it the

other when you're both going through a

breakup but I'm I'm here to tell you

you're not having the same experience

you're not one of you is they are

mentally prepared for this breakup ready

for it and they're going to hit the

ground running you on the other hand are

as low as you could possibly go and I

know what that feels like Anyway fast

forward a few months so now it first

you're here and they're here now time

starts to pass they're building a new

life they're out there doing whatever

they need to do dating traveling going

out with friends starting new hobbies

and interests they're really going for

it and you on the other hand can't even

get out of your own way you're kind of

Frozen in that grief and that shock like

I I talked about but little by little

you start to regain some of your balance

you start to stabilize a little bit

you're not happy you're not doing well

um you're far from being over it at all

you're kind of still struggling to just

keep your head above water but finally

you start to tread water so as you start

to come up a little bit on their end of

it now they've lived this brand new life

it's a high Beyond highs it feels great

they escaped all their problems but the

relief stage starts to come to an end

and they start to settle out of their

crisis which brought them to that

breakup even though you know visually

you can't see that they were in crisis

most of the time they were so now they

start coming down and they start

settling a little bit and you start

rising up and now you're in a place

where you almost intersect that's why

they say right when you're healing

that's when your ex starts to come

around and and and kind of pay attention

to what's going on here it's because the

relief stage has come to an end the new

life that they're trying to create now

is kind of stabilized in some way so how

is that new life stacking up against the

old life that they walked away from and

most of the time time the old life that

they walked away from was pretty good it

was pretty good there weren't really

major problems that needed an exit but

because they're more on the avoidant

side and because they're not going to

have conflict and bring up problems and

try to work through them they're going

to try to run away from them but you can

only run away so far so fast before it

starts to catch you and now they're

starting the Lost part of the breakup

because a relationship has to be grieved

it's a loss and it has to be felt even

if it was a crappy relationship so now

they start to get into that place of

questioning their decision missing their

person they're more in reality now

rather than just the

escapism and the person that got U um

broken up with is now also kind of a

little more stabilized like I said not

doing really well no problem no problem

there understandable still a little bit

in shock but now treading water and now

they intersect and now there's a big

decision to be made so it's not a in my

opinion it's not a a a matter of if that

person gets to a place where they

reconsider they're going to get there in

my opinion they're going to get past

that relief stage they're going to sit

in the new life that they've created and

now they're going to really consider did

I make the right move now it's a matter

of what day what do they do now so once

they get to that stage which is months

beyond the breakup and it's not

scientific of course you know no nobody

knows when people get to that place it's

usually not too long even if they have

another person in place I say three to

six months is when they start Recon

considering all the moves they made but

it could take months after that for them

to actually do anything about it and now

they sit with what do I do about it now

I painted myself into a corner because

usually they jump right into a brand new

relationship so now they created a life

on the other side now they have to

destroy the brand new life that they

created on the other side and that's

difficult for a lot of people so they're

sitting in a space of what do I do do I

go back and try to repair I really broke

that person's heart I walked away

there's a lot of pain there people are

mad there's all sorts of things going on

in their head or do they stay where they

are they made their bed now they have to

lie in it they'll just keep drifting in

the other direction nobody knows where

that goes so in my opinion when a

breakup happens especially with an

avoidant nobody knows how it's going to

end not even the person who did the

breaking up that's my opinion I'm I'll

die on that hill so it takes months for

it to kind of play itself out and get

the two people even Keel again and then

it's anybody's guess where it goes from

there so there's a major shift that

happens after a break up with an

avoidant in my opinion it happens almost

each and every time but it's a matter of

what do they do then this is where

you're going to find out who your person

is and this is why I'm also uh kind of

on the fence about who reaches out first

to me it doesn't make a difference

because an avoidant is usually going to

question now that I feel all these

feelings how do I reach out I've done so

much damage which they have and the

person on the other end of it has to

consider can they put themselves back in

that relationship because of all the

damage that was done because believe me

when they leave if they just go cold on

you you are going to have a lot of

damage that you have to work through a

ton but can people do it of course

people do it every single day so I'm

always one to say if you want to give a

second chance to anybody in your life

you love this person you built a a uh

like foundation and a life with this

person uh you do what you need to do

because we're not talking about villains

here we're talking about humans that

struggle and we don't know what people's

experiences are we don't know how they

were built and and what they've been

through and how they cope with what it

is they've been through so that's

completely up to the people in that

relationship but plan for a major shift

don't wait for it don't sit and wait

well you know um Darlene said they're

going to go through a real uh Day of

Reckoning here you just keep living you

keep building your life and living

because you don't know where you're

going to be when and if this person

starts to kind of get back into that

place where you can absolutely have

better conversation about what the heck

happened what the heck happened this is

a tough one