Simple hacks from a relationship psychologist to wow your date | Ask the Expert
Summary
TLDRIn this insightful interview, relationship consultant Anu Day shares expert advice on navigating the dating world. She emphasizes the importance of self-care, realistic expectations, and fostering strong friendships before seeking a long-term partner. Anu advises focusing on common interests and values during initial dates and warns against self-judgment and setting unrealistic standards. She also discusses red flags to watch for and the psychology behind attraction, advocating for dating one person at a time to avoid decision fatigue.
Takeaways
- 🌟 Start a serious relationship by focusing on self-care and removing misconceptions about romantic relationships.
- 🌈 For a first date, ease nerves by not overthinking and being your authentic self.
- 👂 Make a good impression by focusing on the other person and finding common interests.
- 🚫 Avoid common dating mistakes like being self-judgmental or putting limitations on potential partners.
- 🤔 Look for a strong friendship and similar values in a long-term partner, as these are key to lasting relationships.
- 🔑 Trust, respect, and communication are fundamental to any relationship.
- 🦋 Consider whether you'd miss the friendship more than the relationship as a sign of a good match.
- 🤷♀️ Be cautious of red flags like disrespect, attempts to change you, or overly critical behavior.
- 🧠 Be mindful of past relationships influencing current ones and seek to resolve past issues before dating again.
- 📱 Limit focus to one person at a time due to the paradox of choice and decision fatigue.
- 💑 The psychology of attraction involves both physical and long-term partnership goals, influenced by social skills and evolutionary factors.
- 🌈 Keep hope alive and enjoy the dating process as a journey of self-discovery.
Q & A
What is the first step towards a serious long-term relationship according to Anu?
-The first step towards a serious long-term relationship is self-care, which involves getting yourself into the right mindset and prioritizing what you want out of the experience.
What common misconceptions should people remove about romantic relationships?
-People should remove idealized versions of what romantic relationships should be like and be open to both the good and bad sides of the experience.
What advice does Anu give for easing nerves on a first date?
-Anu advises not to overthink and to be yourself, focusing on your strengths and authentic self, similar to how you would talk to a friend.
How can one make a good impression on a date?
-To make a good impression, one should focus on the other person, listen to what they are saying, and find common interests to discuss.
What are some common mistakes people make during the initial phase of dating?
-Common mistakes include being self-judgmental, projecting an inauthentic version of oneself, and putting limitations on potential partners based on misconceptions or idealistic views.
Why is having a strong friendship important in a romantic relationship?
-A strong friendship is important because it often sustains the relationship. Relationships that last are usually built on a strong friendship foundation.
What should people look for in a long-term partner according to the transcript?
-People should look for similarity in values, trust, respect, and good communication in a long-term partner.
How does Anu suggest determining if a second date should be pursued after an average first date?
-Anu suggests considering whether you got along well with the person and could see yourself hanging out with them as a friend, as romantic feelings and attraction can grow over time.
What are some challenges people face while looking for a life partner?
-One of the biggest challenges is the lack of social skills and communication, partly due to spending too much time online and losing some of those social skills.
What are some red flags to look out for in the initial phase of dating?
-Red flags include a lack of respect, someone trying to change who you are, being overly critical or judgmental, and emotional reactions that are disproportionate to the situation.
How can someone stop replicating harmful patterns from past relationships?
-One should spend time with themselves to understand and resolve past relationship issues, possibly with the help of a counselor, before entering into new dating relationships.
Why does Anu recommend focusing on one person at a time in the context of dating apps?
-Focusing on one person at a time can prevent decision fatigue and increase satisfaction, as having too many choices can lead to less happiness and more difficulty in making the right decision.
What is the psychology of attraction according to Anu?
-The psychology of attraction is partly evolutionary and involves both physical attraction for reproduction and the need for a long-term partner who can be a friend and share resources.
What advice does Anu have for someone who hasn't been lucky in love?
-Anu advises to continue having hope, focus on oneself, and view the dating process as an amazing experiment and journey to find the perfect person.
Outlines
🌟 Starting a Long-Term Relationship
Anu, a relationship consultant at Verona, emphasizes the importance of self-care and mindset when seeking a long-term relationship. She advises prioritizing personal desires and being open to learning and growing through the relationship journey. Anu also suggests letting go of idealized notions of romance to embrace the full spectrum of experiences. First dates should be approached without overthinking, focusing on authenticity and strengths, similar to how one would interact with a friend. Psychological tips for making a good impression include focusing on the other person, actively listening, and finding common interests to foster connection.
🤔 Navigating the Initial Phases of Dating
Anu discusses common dating mistakes such as self-judgment and projecting an inauthentic image. She stresses the importance of being present and mindful during interactions, both in-person and digital, to avoid misrepresenting oneself. Anu also cautions against setting unrealistic expectations or limitations based on misconceptions about relationships. Instead, she advises focusing on building a strong friendship, aligning values, and establishing trust and respect as foundational for long-term relationship success. She addresses the question of whether to go on a second date, suggesting that if there's a good rapport and potential for friendship, it may be worth exploring further, as romantic feelings can develop over time.
🚩 Identifying Red Flags in Early Relationships
Anu outlines red flags to watch for in the early stages of dating, such as a lack of respect, attempts to change one's behavior, or overly critical attitudes. She also warns against partners who exhibit extreme emotional reactions to minor issues or whose decision-making is heavily influenced by past traumas or external influences. Anu suggests that these traits could indicate poor interpersonal skills or a lack of authenticity in the relationship. She advises taking time to resolve past relationship issues before entering new ones to avoid projecting past experiences onto new partners.
🧠 Psychology of Dating and Attraction
Anu explores the psychology behind dating and attraction, touching on evolutionary aspects such as mating behavior and the importance of social skills. She discusses the paradox of choice, suggesting that having too many options can lead to decision fatigue and less satisfaction. Anu recommends focusing on one person at a time to make better-informed decisions. She also addresses the concept of attraction, differentiating between physical attraction and the deeper, long-term partnership qualities such as friendship and resource-sharing. Anu concludes with advice for those struggling to find love, encouraging them to maintain hope, focus on personal growth, and enjoy the journey of self-discovery.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Butterflies
💡Self-care
💡Authenticity
💡Overthinking
💡Misconceptions
💡Respect
💡Non-negotiables
💡Friendship
💡Trust
💡Red flags
💡Decision fatigue
💡Attraction
Highlights
The importance of self-care and mindset when entering a serious relationship.
Removing misconceptions about romantic relationships is crucial.
Advice on easing first date nerves by not overthinking.
Being authentic and focusing on strengths is key on a first date.
Psychological tips for making a good impression involve focusing on the other person.
Common mistakes during the initial phase include being self-judgmental and projecting an inauthentic image.
Putting limitations on potential partners before meeting them can hinder relationships.
The value of a strong friendship in a romantic relationship.
Similarity in values is important for long-term relationship success.
Trust, respect, and communication are fundamental to a relationship.
The decision to go on a second date should be based on the potential for friendship and shared interests.
Assessing compatibility early on involves looking at shared values and interests.
Challenges in finding a life partner often stem from lack of social skills and communication.
Red flags in the initial phase include disrespect, attempts to change you, and overly critical behavior.
Emotional reactions disproportionate to the situation can be a red flag.
The influence of past traumas or external influences on decision-making in relationships.
The psychology behind focusing on one person at a time due to the paradox of choice.
The evolutionary basis of attraction and its components.
Advice for those who haven't been lucky in love: maintain hope and focus on self-improvement.
Transcripts
so a good way to know whether you're
with the right person is to think about
whether I didn't feel the butterflies so
would you recommend going on a second
date try and really focus on the other
person what are some common mistakes
that people do during the initial phase
if you do have a traumatic past it's a
really good idea to that's another sort
of red flag and what is the psychology
of Attraction hello and welcome to ask
the expert a series where we talk about
love relationship and marriage offer
Siege advice straight from Verona's
relationship lab so our guest today Anu
is a relationship consultant at Verona
she handles hundreds of clients and help
them navigate their relationship Journey
thank you for joining us Anu thank you
for having me so our members already
know you but can you please introduce
yourself to our uh viewers sure so my
name is Anu day I'm a lead relationship
consultant at Verona and I have a
background in psychology and social
cognition and have worked for several
years in India with counseling and
therapy for both mental health as well
as for relationships and individual
therapy so let's dive uh straight in if
somebody wants to get into a serious
long-term relationship where does like
where do they start well this might
sound counterintuitive but I would say
the first part of that would be in
self-care and that means getting
yourself into the right mindset
prioritizing what you want out of the
experience
and you know just committing to kind of
learn and grow through the experience
and I think the second thing is um
removing misconceptions that you have
about romantic relationships so we all
have idealized you know versions of what
we think it should be like and it's all
important I suppose to be open to the
experience and and that's good and bad
sides of the experience and yeah I think
those are the the top two tips I would
offer people let's talk about first date
if somebody is going for a first date
what should they do to ease the nose
don't overthink it you know try and let
go of some of the fears you have about
being judged by someone else about maybe
some of your insecurities and and focus
instead on you know your strengths what
are the things that your friends love
about you what does your family love
about you and try and just go and sort
of be yourself be your authentic self
and think about how you talk to a friend
and that's how you should be talking to
someone on a date um I think a lot of
people really get their head into these
situations and they overthink it and
what happens is that you start second
guessing everything you're saying you
start becoming really paranoid about how
the other person is judging you and um
it can be a little difficult but the
best way to do that or kind of alleviate
your nerves is to you know try not to
overthink of it and uh imagine that
you're having a conversation with a
friend right and do you have any
psychological tips for just making a
good for impression um so I think going
back to not
overthinking uh things I think one of
the best things you can do is try and
really focus on the other person so one
of the mistakes that a lot of us make is
that we're so focused on making a good
impression ourselves that we forget to
listen to what the other person is
saying and give them time to explain
stuff about their background to you and
I think the other thing is always try
and find uh things that you have in
common because a really good way of
breaking the ice with people if you have
some mutual interest it's always easier
to talk about them especially if you're
passionate about that interest right you
talk about mistake like what are some
common mistakes that people do during
the initial phase so I think one of the
things is maybe being a little bit self-
judgmental which causes us to or having
lower self-esteem and what that does is
it causes us to maybe project a version
of ourselves that we think people want
to see rather than who we truly are and
so I think a really good tip is to try
and be mindful and present when you're
in those interactions even if they're on
WhatsApp don't just kind of project an
image of yourself that isn't authentic
or is something that you think someone
else wants to see because most of the
time we'll eventually revert back to who
we truly are and so you want to be as
close to your real self as possible so I
think another common mistake is putting
limitations on someone before you've met
them this is something that comes from I
think misconceptions around romantic
relationships or even having a really
idealistic view of what relationships
are like and the second is just about
having unrealistic or sort of very
irrational um non-negotiable so you
might think to yourself that you know I
want someone only from this geographical
region or I want someone who only has
this type of car and whilst that might
sound silly a lot of people do put these
kind of limitations on themselves and
you're kind of looking at things which
in the long term and inner relationship
are really going to become
inconsequential um and and it's
important to focus on the things that
are going to be consequential and what
are these things like what should people
look for I mean I think one of the most
important things which is often
neglected is having a really strong
friendships I guess we get a little
derailed or maybe even blindsighted when
we're with someone really attractive and
someone that we find attractive and yes
attraction is totally important in
romantic relationships but so is having
a really strong friendship and actually
relationships that last are usually
built on a really strong friendship so a
good way to know whether you're with the
right person is to think about whether
you'd miss the friendship more than the
relationship because often it's the
friendship that really sustains so I
think another thing that you should look
for is a similarity in values um that's
really important because your True
Values are again things that if they
don't align can cause conflict later in
a relationship and this also happens
with certain types of cultural
differences or differences in how
someone relates to their family so those
are the kinds of things that you want to
be thinking about when you're looking
for someone longterm but I think on a
more fundamental level it's really
important to have a lot of trust and
respect in a relationship and also
really communication and I think trust
and respect are often things that we
give them less value than they actually
should have when we're especially in the
initial parts of dating so Anu suppose I
went on a date and the date was just
average I didn't feel the butterflies so
would you recommend going on a second
date it depends on whether that first
thing I was talking about how strong
that was if it was a date where you
weren't really feeling butterflies and
you kind of got on with the person but
you know if they were outside of that
context maybe you wouldn't talk to them
that much then probably don't go on the
second date but if on the other hand you
got on with the other person really
really well you could see them yourself
like hanging out with them as a friend
then maybe it is an idea to go on that
second date because romantic feelings
and attraction can grow it's not like
everyone has lightning bolt moments when
they first see you know someone on a
first date or even on several dates so
yeah that would be the distinction
because in the beginning I barely know
this person so how do I see if I'm
compatible with this person or not so in
the beginning it's difficult to sort of
understand whether you're definitely
going to be compatible with them right
especially on a first date or even a
second date but usually in a first day
what you're looking for is does this
person seem to have similar values to me
you know do we have similar interest in
terms of our lifestyle are we similarly
committed to our careers you know do we
have fairly similar you know values in
terms of our family because those are
the things that are potentially going to
be um difficulties later on in a
relationship and just to give you an
example of that if you are you know
quite focused on work and work is
important to you and the other person
feels that work is not as important to
them or that you know they prefer a work
life balance that's really healthy then
that is going to be an issue as you
progress through that relationship so
you should have similar um kind of views
on those sorts of things M so what are
some biggest challenges that people face
while looking for their life partner I
think one of the biggest challenges is
lack of social skills and communication
and whilst that might seem very obvious
and obviously people communicate well in
relationships that communication is
quite different and the thing is that
our brains are kind of really wired into
social signals and one of the things
that research has shown recently is that
because we spend so much time online
we're losing some of those skills and so
often times when people interact on
dates they don't really know how to
behave and they don't often exhibit some
of the social skills that our brains are
kind of wired to pick up on and how that
comes across to the other person is
either lack of Interest or that the
person is disengaged and a really
obvious example of that would be you
know if you get a text on your phone and
you're in conversation with someone and
you look at the text text rather than
leave the text for 5 minutes let the
person finish talking and what are some
red flags that one should look out for
in the initial phase I think one of the
biggest ones is someone who seems like
they are not uh giving you enough
respect or if they are trying to change
who you are so if you are experiencing
someone who's questioning you about your
decisions or your behavior trying to
maybe see if you change your behavior
then that is usually red flag another
one is someone that may seem overly
critical of you or judgmental which I
think I mentioned before often times
these kinds of traits can be signs that
the person either is not a very good I
would say not very good in interpersonal
relationships another thing is someone
who's extremely emotional but I would
say emotional in a way that is kind of
not in alignment with the situation so
for example if you don't text someone
back as soon as they text you and they
start getting really upset and emotional
about it even though it's a very small
thing and you think that they're kind of
overreacting that's another sort of red
flag and I would say that on a
completely different sort of Dimension
someone who seems like their
decision-making is going to be very much
influenced either by a previous trauma
or other people in their life so other
influences then that can sometimes not
be a very good situation because the
person's decision making is not their
own it's either being directed or
influenced by by like a past bad
relationship or you know some other
trauma or that they're very influenced
by other people and so you'd never
really have an authentic relationship
with that person so how does one stop
replicating harmful patterns from the
past
relationship that's a really good
question so I think one thing which is
probably the most difficult to do is to
kind of um spend some time time with
yourself trying to move on from that
experience because until you do that it
actually isn't very fair to even go back
into dating and and giving other people
because you are giving other people the
opportunity to date you because what we
tend to do is we tend to project past
relationships onto others and especially
if they're not completely resolved so
for example if you had a really bad
breakup and someone treated you in a
specific way say they lied to you you
might then start projecting that onto
another person and not really even be
aware that you're doing it and so if you
do have a traumatic past it's a really
good idea to spend some time trying to
understand that relationship a bit
better maybe even get support from
someone like a counselor to kind of let
go of some of those feelings before you
go into dating again which which is
often contrary to advice that we'll get
from our friends they'll be like get
back in there you know you just need to
find someone new when actually the first
step is just sort of resolving those
feelings within yourself right um so
because of the dating apps people have
so many choices yes why do you think one
should only focus on one person at a
time okay so there's actually a lot of
psychology research that's been done on
this um especially with the rise of
dating apps and probably the most famous
is the Paradox of choice which was
written by Barry Schwarz and I think
around 2004 and it basically the
research and his book indicates that
people tend to be less happy and less
satisfied when they have more choices it
also can lead to something called
decision fatigue which is essentially
the fear because you have so much choice
that your decision is the wrong one and
it also is that there's so many choices
that you can't decide between them and
so what we really encourage is that you
give people the chance and actually look
at just one person at a time because
with obviously dating apps and social
media we've gotten less and less good at
making the right decisions unless we
actually take time to focus upon them um
so this is something else that's proven
in Psychology is that if you don't give
your brain enough time and the cognitive
energy into something you're not
necessarily going to make the right
decision and I'm sure we've we've all
done that on dating abs and what is the
psychology of Attraction yeah that's
another really good question and a lot
of it is evolutionary right so we have a
whole aspect of our Behavior which is
just about kind of it's It's called
mating behavior but it's essentially how
we have romantic relationships and a lot
of that as I mentioned in the kind of I
think in one of your earlier questions
is to do with our social skills um and
so there are two things I mean there is
a physical attraction
component but that physical attraction
component tends to be just have like one
uh one goal which is reproduction
whereas long-term partnership tends to
have another goal which is somebody that
is going to be your friend and is going
to share resources with you and that's
still very much how current I would say
psychology works in terms of Attraction
and just to show you that in action it's
one of the reasons that you'll find that
in an environment like a club for
example that women will tend to be more
aggressive to other women and men will
tend to be more aggressive to other men
because there's so much competition so
if somebody hasn't been Lucky in Love
what's your word of advice for them so I
think the most important thing is to
continue having hope and focus on
yourself because the only person
stopping you from finding that person is
actually yourself and so all you need to
do is kind of think about some of the
things we've discussed today and go out
there and kind of commit to have fun in
the process you know try not to
overthink it think of it as this amazing
experiment and this journey that you're
going to do on yourself to find the
perfect person for you who absolutely is
out there for you mhm thank you Anu for
all that information I'm pretty sure our
audience has learned so much from you
today thank you for having me thank you
so much for watching if you have any
questions for Anu you can comment your
questions down below like comment and
share this video keep watching Verona
for more such insightful content Verona
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