Good sex explained in 9 minutes | Dr. Emily Nagoski

Summary

In this insightful talk, sex educator Emily Nagoski challenges conventional wisdom on sexual desire, advocating for 'responsive desire' over 'spontaneous desire.' She explains the Dual Control Model of sexual response, emphasizing the brain's role in sexual experiences. Nagoski encourages creating a conducive context for pleasure and open communication with partners, stressing that pleasure, not frequency or technique, is the key to sexual well-being.

Takeaways

• 🚫 'Desire Imperative': Many people are raised with the idea that they should always have spontaneous, strong sexual desire for their partner.
• 🔥 'Screw the Spark': The speaker suggests moving away from the idea of needing a constant 'spark' in a relationship for sexual desire.
• 💡 Two Types of Desire: There's 'spontaneous desire' that arises from anticipation of pleasure, and 'responsive desire' that comes in response to pleasure.
• 👩‍🏫 Author's Introduction: Emily Nagoski, a sex educator and author of 'Come as You Are', introduces herself and her work.
• 📚 Historical Models: The script outlines the evolution of sex therapy models from Masters and Johnson's Four-Phase Model to Helen Singer Kaplan's Triphasic Model, and then to the Dual Control Model.
• 🧠 Brain-Centered Sex: Sex is more a brain process than a genital one, with the Dual Control Model highlighting the sexual excitation system (accelerator) and the sexual inhibitory system (brakes).
• 🛑 Inhibitors of Desire: Often, sexual issues aren't due to lack of excitation but rather too much inhibition, influenced by factors like stress, body image, trauma, and relationship issues.
• 🔄 Dual Process of Arousal: Arousal involves both increasing the 'ons' (excitatory stimuli) and decreasing the 'offs' (inhibitory stimuli).
• 🌐 Context Matters: The perception of pleasure is highly dependent on the context, including both external circumstances and internal states.
• 🤝 Communication is Key: Sustaining a sexual connection involves understanding and creating a context that allows for pleasure, which requires open communication between partners.
• 💖 Pleasure as the Measure: The ultimate goal is not the frequency or specifics of sex, but whether all parties involved enjoy the sex they're having.

Q & A

What is the 'desire imperative' mentioned in the script?

The 'desire imperative' refers to the societal expectation that individuals should constantly experience spontaneous, intense sexual desire for their partners.

What is the difference between 'spontaneous desire' and 'responsive desire'?

Spontaneous desire is a sudden, unplanned sexual attraction or thought, while responsive desire is sexual attraction that emerges in response to pleasure or stimulation.

What is the significance of the Dual Control Model in understanding sexual response?

The Dual Control Model suggests that sexual response is governed by two systems: the sexual excitation system (accelerator) and the sexual inhibitory system (brakes). It emphasizes that sexual response is more about brain processes than genital processes.

How does the Dual Control Model explain the role of stress in sexual response?

The model posits that stress, along with body image, trauma, and relationship issues, can stimulate the inhibitory system (brakes), leading to difficulties in sexual response, not necessarily due to inadequate stimulation to the excitation system.

What are the two primary parts of the Dual Control Model?

The two primary parts of the Dual Control Model are the sexual excitation system (accelerator) and the sexual inhibitory system (brakes).

Why did Helen Singer Kaplan add desire to the sexual response model?

Helen Singer Kaplan noticed that the original Four-Phase Model by Masters and Johnson did not include desire, which is a crucial aspect of sexual response. Thus, she introduced the Desire, Arousal, Orgasm Model to address this gap.

How does the perception of pleasure change based on context?

The perception of pleasure is influenced by both external circumstances and internal states. For example, tickling might be pleasurable in a playful context but irritating during a fight.

What is the importance of creating a context for sexual pleasure according to the script?

Creating a context that allows both partners' brains to access pleasure is key to sustaining a strong sexual connection over the long term.

How does the script suggest talking to a partner about sex?

The script recommends approaching the conversation with a positive frame, expressing interest in deepening the erotic connection, and being open and non-critical about sharing what works for each person.

What is the main takeaway from the script regarding sexual well-being?

The main takeaway is that pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being, not the frequency, partners, locations, positions, or number of orgasms.

What is the role of responsive desire in resolving sexual desire problems according to the script?

Understanding responsive desire can help resolve sexual desire problems by helping individuals realize that they don't have a problem with desire but rather that their desire is responsive to pleasure.