Why I stopped watching porn | Ran Gavrieli | TEDxJaffa

Summary

The speaker shares a personal journey of quitting porn due to its violent influence on fantasies and its role in perpetuating the demand for filmed prostitution. They argue that porn objectifies women and distorts sexual desires, often leading to harmful behaviors and unrealistic expectations. The talk also addresses the impact of porn on society, including addiction, sexual abuse, and the normalization of sexual exploitation. The speaker advocates for emotionally safe sex, free from gender hierarchy and focused on mutual respect and laughter, urging for more open conversations about these issues.

Takeaways

• 😡 The speaker stopped watching porn due to the anger and violence it introduced into their fantasies, which were not originally present.
• 🌎 Realizing porn's demand contributes to the filmed prostitution industry was a turning point for the speaker.
• 👤 The speaker's volunteer work with individuals in prostitution, including human trafficking victims, deepened their understanding of the industry's impact.
• 🚫 Pornography is criticized for promoting male domination and the subordination of women, rather than healthy sexual communication.
• 🎬 The mainstream porn industry is accused of focusing on male arousal, often at the expense of women's dignity and pleasure.
• 🤲 Porn often depicts sex without sensual activities like caressing or kissing, reducing intimacy to mere penetration.
• 🧠 The speaker's personal experience shows that porn can alter one's sexual desires and fantasies, leading to a loss of authentic erotic imagination.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The impact of porn extends beyond individual viewers, influencing societal norms and expectations about sex and relationships.
• 🚫 The script highlights the negative effects of porn on young people, including addiction, distorted views on sex, and potential for aggressive behavior.
• 🌐 The ubiquity of porn, especially with easy internet access, poses a significant risk to adolescents' mental and sexual health.
• 💔 The script emphasizes the severe consequences for those involved in the porn industry, including exploitation, health risks, and social stigma.

Q & A

What were the two main reasons the speaker stopped watching porn?

The first reason was that porn introduced anger and violence into the speaker's private fantasies, which were not originally present. The second reason was the realization that watching porn contributes to the demand for filmed prostitution, which the speaker equates to exploitation.

What is the etymological breakdown of the word 'porn' as given in the script?

The word 'porn' is broken down into 'pornē', which stands for prostitute, and 'graphia', which stands for documentation, indicating that porn is essentially documented prostitution.

How does the speaker describe the impact of pornography on the concept of sexuality?

The speaker argues that pornography defines sexuality based on what men find arousing, often involving aggression, humiliation, and lack of genuine intimacy, which is a distortion of authentic sexual desires.

What is the common theme in mainstream porn according to the speaker?

The common theme is male domination and subordination of women, often involving acts of violence and degradation, which are presented as sexual despite their lack of mutuality or sensuality.

Why does the speaker criticize the portrayal of sex in porn?

The speaker criticizes it because it typically involves sex with no hands involved, focusing solely on penetration, which does not reflect authentic human desires or sensual activities like petting, caressing, or kissing.

How does the speaker's personal experience with porn affect their ability to fantasize?

The speaker finds that after habitually watching porn, they lost the ability to imagine sensual and mutual scenarios, as their mind was bombarded with images of violation and subordination.

What is the speaker's view on the impact of porn on young people?

The speaker views porn as having an addictive and paralyzing effect on young people, leading to distorted views of sexuality and potentially aggressive behavior, as well as feelings of inadequacy and paralysis.

What example does the speaker provide to illustrate how media consumption can influence thoughts and desires?

The speaker watched a karaoke show for 20 minutes and found themselves contemplating what song they would choose for an audition, despite having no interest or talent in music, demonstrating how quickly and easily media can influence the mind.

What are the serious consequences the speaker associates with the porn industry?

The speaker associates the porn industry with sex exploitation, human trafficking, rape, pimping, and solicitation, leading to social death, addiction, health issues, and even death for many participants.

What is the speaker's proposed alternative to pornographic consumption?

The speaker proposes the notion of 'emotionally-safe sex', which involves sexual freedom without gender hierarchy or subordination, and emphasizes mutuality, laughter, and genuine intimacy.

Why does the speaker encourage more open discussions about the impact of porn?

The speaker believes that discussing these issues can lead to greater awareness, change, and emotional safety, as silence only perpetuates more silence and does not address the underlying problems.

Outlines

00:00

🚫 Impact of Pornography on Personal Life

The speaker shares their reasons for quitting pornography, which include the introduction of anger and violence into their private fantasies and the realization that consuming porn contributes to the demand for filmed prostitution. They explain the etymology of 'porn' and 'graphia', highlighting the connection between pornography and prostitution. The speaker's experience volunteering with individuals in the sex trade, including victims of human trafficking, further solidified their decision to stop watching porn. They critique mainstream porn for its focus on male domination and the portrayal of women as submissive, arguing that porn redefines what is considered sexual based on what men find arousing, often at the expense of genuine intimacy and mutual pleasure.

05:02

🧠 The Consequences of Pornography on Imagination and Desire

The speaker discusses how habitual porn consumption led to a loss of imaginative capacity, particularly in the realm of sexual fantasy. They describe a shift from complex, narrative-driven fantasies to a focus on violent and degrading imagery. The speaker also touches on the broader impact of media consumption, using an example of watching a karaoke show and how it temporarily influenced their thoughts. They emphasize the importance of being mindful of what we expose our minds to, as it shapes our desires and behaviors. The discussion extends to the effects of porn on younger audiences, suggesting that it can lead to addiction, unrealistic expectations about sex, and potentially aggressive behavior, as well as the societal normalization of sexual objectification.

10:03

👚 The Cultural Influence of Pornography on Youth and Society

The speaker addresses the pervasive influence of porn and its impact on young girls, who are often led to believe that their worth is tied to their sexual desirability. They critique mainstream culture, including music videos and advertisements, for perpetuating porn-like imagery. The speaker shares experiences from their work in schools, where they've encountered girls who have been coerced into sharing intimate images, leading to severe social and emotional consequences. They argue that porn is not just a private matter but a societal issue with serious implications, including the exploitation and trafficking of individuals. The speaker calls for a reevaluation of what constitutes safe and emotionally healthy sexual interactions, advocating for a return to mutual respect and genuine intimacy.

15:07

🗣️ The Importance of Open Dialogue on Pornography

In the final paragraph, the speaker emphasizes the need for open and honest conversations about the effects of pornography. They argue that silence only perpetuates the problem, while dialogue can lead to greater awareness and change. The speaker calls for a shift towards emotionally safe sex, which they define as sex that is free from gender hierarchy and focused on mutual enjoyment and respect. They conclude by thanking the audience for listening and encouraging further discussion on the topic.

Keywords

💡Pornography

Pornography refers to the depiction of explicit sexual content for the purpose of sexual arousal. In the video, the speaker critiques pornography for promoting violence, aggression, and objectification of women. The speaker's personal experience with pornography is used to illustrate its negative impact on one's private fantasies and sexual desires, highlighting how it can lead to a distorted view of what constitutes as 'sexual'.

💡Prostitution

Prostitution is the act or practice of engaging in sexual activity in exchange for payment. The speaker equates pornography with filmed prostitution, arguing that it commodifies and exploits individuals, particularly women. The term is used to emphasize the speaker's view that the porn industry is a form of modern-day slavery, where individuals are coerced into sexual acts for profit.

💡Sexual objectification

Sexual objectification is the act of treating a person as an object for another's sexual pleasure. The video discusses how pornography reduces women to mere objects for male pleasure, ignoring their humanity and consent. This concept is central to the speaker's argument against the porn industry, as it perpetuates harmful and degrading stereotypes.

💡Male domination

Male domination refers to the social, economic, and political control exercised by men over women. The speaker asserts that pornography is a medium that reinforces male domination by portraying women as submissive and men as dominant. This concept is used to critique the power dynamics depicted in porn, which the speaker believes are unhealthy and harmful to gender equality.

💡Sexual violence

Sexual violence encompasses any sexual act or attempt to obtain a sexual act by violence or coercion. The video script mentions sexual violence as a common theme in pornography, which normalizes aggressive and non-consensual acts. The speaker is concerned about the impact of such depictions on viewers, potentially leading to the acceptance of violence as a part of sexual relationships.

💡Human trafficking

Human trafficking involves the illegal trade of people, often for the purposes of forced labor or sexual exploitation. The speaker connects the porn industry with human trafficking, suggesting that the demand for pornography fuels the trafficking of individuals into the sex industry. This keyword is used to highlight the real-world consequences of the porn industry on vulnerable populations.

💡Sexual mutation

Sexual mutation, as used in the video, refers to the distortion or alteration of healthy sexual behaviors and attitudes due to external influences, such as pornography. The speaker argues that pornography leads to sexual mutations by promoting unrealistic and harmful sexual practices, which can affect individuals' intimate relationships and self-perception.

💡Emotional safety

Emotional safety in the context of the video means engaging in sexual activities that are consensual, respectful, and free from harm or the threat of harm. The speaker advocates for emotionally safe sex as an alternative to the exploitative and degrading practices often portrayed in pornography. This concept is used to promote a healthier approach to sexuality that values mutual respect and consent.

💡Gender hierarchy

Gender hierarchy refers to the social ranking of genders, often with one gender considered superior to another. The video discusses how pornography perpetuates a gender hierarchy by portraying women as inferior and submissive to men. The speaker challenges this hierarchy and calls for a more egalitarian approach to gender relations in sexual contexts.

💡Sexual exploitation

Sexual exploitation is the abuse of a person's sexuality for the benefit of another person or people. The speaker uses this term to describe the porn industry's treatment of performers, suggesting that it involves taking advantage of vulnerable individuals for financial gain. This keyword is central to the speaker's argument that the porn industry is unethical and harmful.

💡Social death

Social death refers to the state of being socially isolated or excluded from society. In the video, the speaker describes how individuals involved in the sex industry, such as prostitutes, often experience social death due to stigma and discrimination. This concept is used to illustrate the severe social consequences faced by those who participate in the sex industry, both on and off camera.

Highlights

The speaker stopped watching porn due to the introduction of anger and violence into their private fantasies.

Pornography is equated with filmed prostitution, highlighting the exploitation of individuals in the industry.

Prostitution is often a result of trouble and distress, not a chosen profession.

Volunteering experiences with individuals in prostitution revealed the harsh realities of the industry.

Pornography is a genre that perpetuates male domination and the subordination of women.

The definition of 'sexual' in porn is whatever men find arousing, including non-consensual acts.

Mainstream porn often includes categories like rape and humiliation, normalizing these acts.

Porn typically focuses on penetration without capturing normal sensual activities like caressing or kissing.

The speaker's private fantasies before porn were characterized by sensuality and mutuality.

Pornography can lead to a loss of ability to imagine and a reliance on violent and degrading imagery.

Porn's influence is not limited to young people; it affects everyone who consumes it.

The impact of media consumption on the mind is illustrated through a karaoke show example.

Pornography's addictive nature leads to a dependency and can paralyze young men's self-perception.

Porn teaches that male sexual value is based on physical attributes rather than emotional connection.

The normalization of sexual aggression in porn can lead to real-world sexual abuse.

Young girls are influenced by porn and mainstream culture to believe they must be sexually desirable to be loved.

The consequences of girls being coerced into intimate documentation and the subsequent sharing without consent.

Porn is a significant societal issue with real-life and death consequences for those involved.

The harsh realities of the sex industry include exploitation, human trafficking, and high mortality rates.

The speaker advocates for emotionally safe sex that prioritizes mutual respect and laughter over gender hierarchy.

Encouraging open discussion about the impact of porn is crucial for raising awareness and promoting change.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Yechezkel Stelzer Reviewer: Jeong-Lan Kinser

I stopped watching porn for two reasons basically.

The first one was that

porn brought so much anger and violence into my private fantasies.

And these were anger and violence that were not there originally to begin with.

And I did not want it for me anymore.

This was not me and, I decided to just put an end to it.

Easier said than done... I got it later, but...

The second reason was that I became to realize...

I came to realize that only by watching porn

I take part in creating a demand for filmed prostitution

because that's what porn really is: filmed prostitution.

"Pornē" stands for prostitute, "graphia" stands for documentation.

Prostitution was nobody's childhood dream,

it is always a result of trouble and distress.

Now, I became aware of that gradually, when I was volunteering

with men and women in prostitution, some of them victims of human traffic,

serving aid in brothels, under the bridge and street corners.

But you don't really need to do all that in order to understand

how this mechanism of porn and prostitution works.

Because porn is a genre - it's not about erotica or healthy sexual communication.

It's all about male domination of women, subordinance of women.

Not only the sexual practice, but as a way of being,

as a genderial hierarchy in this world.

If we would ask porn,

how does it define something as sexual?

What qualifies, what defines something as sexual?

Porn would laugh in our face.

What defines sexual? Whatever men find arousing...

Men find it arousing to choke a woman?

To have a brutal sex without one touch, hug, kiss, tender caress?

Well then it is sexual.

It arouses men to see a woman or child cry?

It is sexual.

It arouses men to rape a woman, well, then it is sexual.

In every mainstream porn gallery on the web,

we can find the rape category side by side with the humiliation category,

abuse category, crime category and so on.

And this is all as if this regular porn is not already filled with these motives.

Even in its mildest version, the mildest version of porn,

what porn is showing us like, I know, 80%, maybe 90% of the time

is actually sex with no hands involved. This is not how we authentically desire...

Sorry, I'll repeat that, I see your look. Sex with no hands involved... okay.

If you and I are not going to give up watching porn

the next thing you do watch just you just notice that

porn cameras have no interest in capturing

any normal sensual activities such as petting, caressing,

making out, touching, hugging, kissing... No...

What porn cameras are into is the penetration.

So normally the composition will be a man and a woman,

hopefully just one, okay... so, one man and one woman...

His penis is inside her.

It doesn't matter where inside. Somewhere inside.

His penis is somewhere inside her, okay?

And in order not to block the camera

for doing this extreme close up on the penetration,

he's standing with his hands behind his back most of the time.

And the woman is in this... uncomfortable position

and she needs to handle the penis inside her

without damaging the hair or make up or look down on her

because that's money invested and time invested in her.

Without disturbing his aggressive movement and mainly without blocking the cameras.

So the result is that we got two people having sex

different shapes and acrobatics or something... but they're having sex

when the only body parts that actually touch each other

are the penis and the part being penetrated.

No hands involved.

I talked, I don't know, 250-300 times a year, soldiers, students, pupils...

No one has ever come up to me and say

"Ran, you know that part with sex with no hands thing

that was my authentic desire, like when I was 11 or 12

I never wanted to kiss or touch anybody.

I was not curious about that. It was all the penetration to begin with."

No one has ever said that... -- before porn.

After porn...

In my private fantasies before watching porn,

there was always a very strong narrative

and the narrative was of sensuality and mutuality.

Which means that I always imagined what I would say to her?

What would she possibly answer?

What options do I have to respond?

In real life it never worked like I planned,

but it was important in my mind in term of arousal

the build up, the location, the setting, where will it be?

What are the circumstances of me and her being all alone all of a sudden.

How will this bodily inflaming between us will emerge step by step?

It was super important ...before porn.

After making a habit out of porn...

it conquers your mind and it invades your brain.

And I lost my ability to imagine.

Which mean I found myself... and I won't be too explicit,

but trying to masturbate, just closing my eyes

trying to fantasize desperately about something human

and not making it because my head was bombarded

with all of those images of women being violated and subordinated

and forced into pretending they enjoyed diabolic sperm rituals.

So, this is pretty much the result.

We are all vulnerable to pornography. It's not just young people...

We should be very careful.

Not only what we put into our bodies in term of food and nutrition...

But with the nutrition of our mind.

Everything we watch invades us.

I'll give you a short example from non-sexual areas.

I came the other night, I came back home

and my beloved one was watching some cultural junk.

She was watching a karaoke show audition, the one with chairs spinning.

We don't have a TV set back home,

but only because it allows us to falsely present ourselves

as deep and profound people. (laughter)

I've never heard of that.

Mastectomy who? Angelina? No, we don't have a TV.

We watch every cultural junk possible, okay?

Neither me, nor her, contemplate about existence.

We download stuff. And we download all cultural junk.

I am watching this 20 minutes karaoke show.

And it was so boring and tedious.

Two minutes talking, four minutes blabbering.

I lost patience after 20 minutes and I went off to take a shower

and the most interesting part was in the shower.

Because what I found out there was myself in most pathetic state ever...

I'm going to share it with you.

I want to feel that you accept and love me,

so I will share my most pathetic moment and you have to accept it now.

I don't know until I got over myself if it took me five, seven, ten minutes

to realize that I am standing under the water in the shower

pondering severely what would've been my song for the auditions?

Deep and profound, mind you!

I won't be doing this Rihanna or Lady Gaga's.

I will be doing Mercedes Sosa's Como Un Pájaro Libre.

I'll be doing a cover for Bob Dylan's Blind Willie McTell.

Ain't that deep and profound?

I had to realize that I'm an idiot because I have no talent for music.

More than that, I never wanted to be

neither a musician nor a singer or songwriter.

This was never a part of my inner world of wishes, okay?

But I'm a human being. What can I do?

I was watching that for 20 minutes It entered my brain for a while.

So if we take this example we can try to estimate

the impact of 20 minutes of watching no matter what,

how it invades our mind and conquers our wantings and desires.

Let's just try to imagine or I can share it with you orally

what is the impact of 20 minutes of watching porn

once or twice a week, nothing unmoderated.

It's overtaking.

And porn is in our household, whether we want it or not

and I believe that it does not agree with our well being.

Because we have internet

in the western world all over the place almost in every cellular phone now

we've got 90% of 12 year-olds watching porn on a regular basis.

And it has both an addictive effect and a paralyzing effect.

It's addictive, because it develops somewhat of a dependency on porn.

And paralyzing because, mainly for young boys and men,

porn is teaching us that as a man you are solely valued in sex

by having a large penis and an eternal erection.

According to porn, being a valuable sexual partner

does not relate with being sensual, passionate, attentive,

generous, well-coordinated. None of the above.

It is all about large penis and eternal sunshine,

which we don't possess.

So boys become paralyzed.

And if they don't become paralyzed by watching porn

very often they turn into imitators of what they saw,

which then means they become aggressors.

Aggressors, even when emotion is involved.

There is so much sexual abuse going on nowadays

within the confines of what we perceive from the outside

as beautiful teenage love stories, or healthy adult relationships.

Because we don't really talk about sex

we just see it all over, we don't really talk about it.

So, what goes on in the confines of a certain room

but these are all sexual mutations that happen.

If we talk about women, it's not only that,

but young girls even get the message not only from hardcore porn

but from a porn influenced main stream culture.

Have you seen any Miley Cirus, Lady Gaga video clips or commercials?

That's porn with clothes on.

So girls get this notion that if you want to be worthy of love

first and foremost you have to be worthy of sexual desire.

And now, the definition of sexual desire almost equals: be like a porn star.

So I work in dozens and dozens of high schools and junior highs.

In every single one of these schools I find girls

that at a certain point agreed to be documentedin an intimate situation

because they wanted to please some guy that they had feelings for.

And this guy misappropriated their trust. Always the same story.

So he sells it on WhatsApp application or on the web, on the internet.

And normally nobody even addresses him in terms of moral.

But it is always girls that suffer from shaming and mortification.

They can change the school... they drop out normally.

They can move to another city and still be haunted on social networks.

They develop clinical depressions, severe eating disorders,

as if we don't have enough reasons in our culture to develop eating disorders.

They become so isolated socially.

So some of them - like Amanda Todd, rest in peace... -

some of them actually commit suicide.

Because they find no more value in life or in themselves.

So, porn is not only in our house. It is a capital case.

It is not a minor phenomenon in our society.

It is a question of life and death sometimes.

It is mainly a question of life and death for the people who participate in porn,

because porn is not an embodiment of freedom of speech,

freedom of occupation, blah-blah... No. It's an embodiment of sex-exploitation,

working side-by-side with human traffic raping, pimping, solicitation.

For every one porn star with a book contract

or a production company,

we've got hundreds of thousands of women and girls

who do not survive out there. Literally, they just don't make it.

The sex industry just chews them up and spits them back

into brothels, into hooking in the street,

escorting, massage parlors with happy or unhappy ending

depends who you ask. And I am not joking.

This is the whole spectrum of prostitution.

So many of them do not even make it to the age of 50.

I am talking about countries that the life expectancy

is at 75, 76 years now.

They don't make it to the age of 50. 4 reasons mainly.

Drugs, STD - Sexually Transmitted Diseases

being murdered by a john, a pimp, a boyfriend

and the fourth reason is suicide once again.

Because if you are a prostitute, on camera or off camera,

you are in the situation that we can refer to as social death.

We have all sat on the dinner table

with people who probably consumed prostitution

that have been to a brothel once, twice at least.

We never sit down to the table with a prostitute.

Not with a declared one. So that's social death.

It is not glamorous. Not at all.

And when I sit in the privacy of my room and watch porn, even without paying...

No need to pay, it's free.

I hope you know that, if you're still consuming...

Whatever I am watching is creating a demand.

And wherever there is a demand, there will be a supply.

There is a correlation.

If I watch pornography of black, older women,

somebody is going to go out and pimp black older women.

Asian minors? Somebody is already trafficking Asian minors

in order to film them.

Israeli women, Palestinian women WASP, all American college girls.

It's a strong in the last few years it's a very upcoming category.

The scum of the Earth are already out there

trying to solicit and prostitute these women on camera.

So, I stopped watching porn for my personal well-being.

My intimate communication, my private erotic life.

Reclaiming control and responsibility over my mind.

But by doing that,

I actually stopped contributing to this horrible sex industry.

That's a good thing to do, I believe.

And I would really like to propose that notion

of physically and emotionally-safe sex, emotionally-safe sex.

It does not mean going back to be conservative or unliberated sexually.

I am all for sexual freedom.

It just means that we need to put genderial hierarchy aside,

subordinance aside.

And bring back in... let's just say, "laughter"

as a critical method for intimacy.

Two souls, two humans, two souls alone in private,

can they please have a laugh together?

Whether they know each other for a decade or for an hour...

If two souls alone in a room do not manage to have a laugh together,

what good could possibly grow there? Sexual and non-sexual.

That's emotionally safe sex.

I've got so many things I want to share with you

but I feel like my time is almost up, so...

I just really want to ask for us to speak about these issues more

because I strongly feel that our history of silence never did us any good,

because silence only perpetuates more silence,

when talking normally gives birth to more talking,

more sharing, more identification, more awareness, more change.

A small change, we have a small humble life.

But a real change, a true one, emotionally safer.

Thank you for listening.