Harm OCD - My OCD Story

Summary

The speaker, who has OCD, shares her personal journey with anxiety, focusing on the specific challenges of harm OCD. She discusses her onset at 22, the intrusive thoughts, and the impact on her relationships. Initially misdiagnosed and mistreated with Celexa, she faced a severe exacerbation of symptoms. She emphasizes the importance of understanding and managing OCD, not just as a cleanliness issue, but as a complex mental health struggle. The speaker hopes her story can help others facing similar battles and plans to share more about living with and coping with OCD.

Takeaways

• 🌟 The video discusses the personal struggle with OCD, specifically focusing on harm OCD.
• 🎯 The onset of the creator's OCD began at the age of 22, with a history of general anxiety throughout life.
• 🏥 The creator's OCD symptoms escalated after being prescribed Celexa, an antidepressant, for travel anxiety.
• 🤔 The term 'pure O' is mentioned, indicating OCD with less visible compulsions, such as rumination.
• 🔪 Harm OCD involves obsessions about causing harm to oneself or others, which can be distressing and lead to compulsive behaviors like checking.
• 🐾 The creator's personal harm OCD manifests as an irrational fear of intentionally hurting loved ones or pets.
• 🚑 The creator had a negative experience with a doctor who misdiagnosed and stigmatized their symptoms.
• 🧩 OCD can disrupt relationships and daily life, as the creator's relationship with their mother was affected.
• 🌱 The video aims to connect with others who may be experiencing similar struggles, providing a sense of community.
• 📹 Future content plans include vlogs about living with OCD, including its impact on travel and everyday activities.

Q & A

What is the main topic of the video?

The main topic of the video is anxiety, specifically focusing on Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and the personal struggles of the speaker with harm OCD.

Why did the speaker decide to create this video?

The speaker decided to create this video to share their personal experiences with OCD, as they felt there were not many relatable stories available when they were going through the worst of their symptoms, and to potentially help others who might be experiencing similar struggles.

At what age did the speaker's OCD onset occur?

The speaker's OCD onset occurred when they were 22 years old.

What is the difference between 'pure O' OCD and other types of OCD according to the speaker?

According to the speaker, 'pure O' OCD refers to a type of OCD where compulsions are not visible actions but rather internal thoughts and ruminations. Other types of OCD may involve visible compulsions, such as repeatedly touching things or checking if something is done correctly.

What does the speaker mean by 'harm OCD'?

The speaker refers to 'harm OCD' as a type of OCD where the obsessions revolve around causing harm, either to oneself or others. This can include fears of hurting someone intentionally or through negligence.

How did the speaker's OCD affect their relationships?

The speaker's OCD affected their relationships by causing them to distance themselves from loved ones, including family and pets, due to the fear of causing harm to them.

What was the speaker's experience with medication that led to the onset of their OCD?

The speaker was prescribed Celexa, an antidepressant, for travel anxiety. Shortly after starting the medication, they began experiencing intrusive thoughts and visions that marked the onset of their OCD.

What was the speaker's initial reaction to their doctor's suggestion that their symptoms might be indicative of bipolar disorder or schizophrenia?

The speaker was upset and disagreed with the doctor's suggestion, as they had never experienced anything like this before and believed it was a reaction to the medication they were given.

How did the speaker's experience in the emergency room affect their perception of the medical system's understanding of mental health?

The speaker felt that the medical professionals in the emergency room were ill-prepared to help them and lacked understanding of mental health issues, which left them feeling unsupported and further distressed.

What is the speaker's current approach to managing their OCD?

The speaker is still struggling with OCD and mentions that managing it is a daily challenge. They are considering making more videos to share their experiences and potentially offer insights on how to cope with the condition.

What future content does the speaker plan to create regarding their experiences with OCD?

The speaker plans to create more videos, including Vlogs, about living with OCD, traveling with OCD, and how anxiety affects them in general, especially during new experiences and in different environments.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Introduction to Anxiety and OCD

The speaker begins by expressing their intention to create a video discussing anxiety, particularly OCD, which they personally struggle with. They mention that during the peak of their symptoms, they found a lack of relatable stories online, which motivated them to share their own experience. The video aims to connect with others who might be going through similar experiences or know someone who is. The speaker is currently 24 years old, and their OCD symptoms started at 22. They've always been an anxious person, which is common for those with later-onset OCD. They elaborate on the different types of OCD, explaining that while they struggle with harm OCD, all types fall under the OCD umbrella, each with unique obsessions and compulsions.

05:02

😨 The Impact of OCD on Personal Life

The speaker delves into the personal impact of their OCD, particularly the fear of harming themselves or others, which is a common theme in their intrusive thoughts. They describe the distress these thoughts cause and how it affects their daily life, including their relationships with family and pets. They recount a specific fear of hurting their pets and the overwhelming anxiety that accompanied it. The speaker also discusses the onset of their OCD, which they link to the introduction of an anti-depressant medication called Celexa, prescribed for travel anxiety. They express frustration with the lack of understanding from medical professionals and the misdiagnosis they received, which only exacerbated their condition.

10:03

🚑 Emergency Room Experience and Misdiagnosis

The narrative continues with the speaker's experience in the emergency room, where they sought help due to escalating anxiety and intrusive thoughts. They recount the dismissive and unhelpful attitude of the medical staff, who failed to provide adequate support or understanding. The speaker emphasizes the importance of finding a psychiatrist with experience in mental health, as they were able to offer more insight and empathy. The speaker also discusses the compulsive behaviors they engaged in, such as seeking reassurance and researching online, which provided temporary relief but were ultimately unhelpful.

15:03

🌪️ Living with OCD and Its Daily Challenges

The speaker reflects on the ongoing struggle of living with OCD, emphasizing that it affects their ability to function daily. They discuss the constant battle with anxiety and intrusive thoughts, and how it has influenced their relationships and self-perception. The speaker also touches on the broader implications of OCD, such as its connection to postpartum depression and other mental health issues. They express a desire to create more content about living with OCD, including how it affects their travel experiences, and they aim to share their journey in hopes of helping others facing similar challenges.

20:07

📹 Future Content and Closing Thoughts

In the final paragraph, the speaker concludes by expressing their intention to create more videos about living with OCD, particularly focusing on how it impacts their travel experiences. They acknowledge the difficulty of discussing personal mental health struggles on camera but remain committed to sharing their story. The speaker hopes that their content will resonate with others and provide some form of understanding or comfort to those who may be experiencing similar challenges.

Keywords

💡Anxiety

Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. In the video, the speaker discusses their personal struggles with anxiety, particularly OCD, which has significantly impacted their life. The term is central to understanding the video's theme as it sets the stage for the discussion on OCD and its various manifestations.

💡OCD

OCD, or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, is a mental health condition characterized by recurring, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). The video centers around the speaker's experience with OCD, specifically the 'harm' subtype, where they have intrusive thoughts about causing harm to themselves or others. This keyword is integral to the video's narrative as it directly relates to the speaker's personal journey and the challenges they face.

💡Harm OCD

Harm OCD is a subtype of OCD where the individual has obsessive thoughts about causing harm to themselves or others. The speaker in the video describes their experience with harm OCD, which includes distressing thoughts of hurting loved ones or pets, despite having no desire to do so. This concept is critical to the video's message as it highlights the internal conflict and fear experienced by those with this subtype of OCD.

💡Compulsions

Compulsions are repetitive behaviors that a person feels driven to perform in response to an obsession. In the context of the video, the speaker mentions compulsions such as checking if they've hurt someone or ensuring that they haven't caused harm, which are actions they feel compelled to do to alleviate the anxiety caused by their obsessions.

💡Pure O

Pure O, or 'Purely Obsessional OCD,' refers to a form of OCD where the compulsions are mainly mental acts, not visible to others. The speaker clarifies that 'Pure O' doesn't mean a different type of OCD but rather indicates that the compulsions are not physical actions but internal, such as ruminating on thoughts. This term is important for understanding the diversity of OCD presentations and the speaker's personal experience.

💡Intrusive Thoughts

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted, involuntary thoughts, images, or urges that cause distress or anxiety. The video discusses how the speaker experiences intrusive thoughts related to harming others, which are a hallmark of their OCD. These thoughts are a central aspect of the video's theme, illustrating the distressing nature of OCD and its impact on the speaker's mental state.

💡Mental Health

Mental health refers to a person's emotional, psychological, and social well-being. The video explores the speaker's journey with OCD and anxiety, which are both components of mental health. The term is significant as it encompasses the broader context of the speaker's struggles and the video's focus on raising awareness about mental health issues.

💡Therapy

Therapy, in the context of the video, refers to the psychological treatment aimed at helping individuals cope with and overcome mental health issues like OCD. The speaker mentions seeking therapy as part of their journey to manage their OCD, highlighting the importance of professional support in dealing with such conditions.

💡Medication

Medication is referenced in the video as a treatment approach for anxiety and OCD. The speaker discusses being prescribed Celexa, an antidepressant, which inadvertently triggered their OCD. This keyword is crucial as it underscores the complexities of treatment and the potential for medication to have unintended effects, emphasizing the need for careful consideration in treatment plans.

💡Support Groups

Support groups are mentioned in the video as a resource for individuals dealing with OCD to connect with others who have similar experiences. The speaker alludes to the value of such groups in providing understanding and shared coping strategies. This concept is significant as it highlights the importance of community and peer support in managing mental health challenges.

💡Stigma

Stigma refers to the negative stereotypes and prejudice faced by individuals with mental health conditions. While not explicitly mentioned, the video touches on the stigma associated with OCD and mental health issues, as the speaker recounts experiences that reflect societal misunderstandings and the need for increased awareness and empathy.

Highlights

The video discusses the personal struggle with anxiety, specifically OCD.

The creator shares their experience to connect with others who might be going through similar challenges.

OCD onset occurred at the age of 22, after a lifetime of general anxiety.

Different types of OCD are explained, such as relationship OCD and harm OCD.

The term 'pure O' is clarified, explaining the nature of invisible compulsions.

Harm OCD is described, focusing on obsessions related to causing harm.

The video describes the distress caused by intrusive thoughts of harming loved ones or pets.

The creator's fear of self-harm and harming others led to social isolation.

OCD is shown to target the things that the individual cares about most.

The video recounts the onset of OCD symptoms after starting Celexa, an antidepressant.

A negative experience with a doctor who misdiagnosed and stigmatized the creator's condition.

The creator's struggle with sleep and eating due to anxiety and intrusive thoughts.

An emergency room visit and the lack of understanding from medical staff regarding OCD.

The importance of finding a psychiatrist with experience in mental health to treat OCD.

The video creator's ongoing daily struggle with anxiety and OCD despite treatment.

The impact of OCD on relationships and the desire for reassurance.

The video concludes with plans to create more content about living with OCD.

Transcripts

hi guys hope you're doing well um I want

to do a video today about um anxiety

particularly OCD because that's what I

struggle with um because um I remember

when I was really kind of in the thick

of it um you know experiencing the worst

of the Sy of the symptoms that I had um

there weren't very many stories out

there either on YouTube or wherever you

know on blogs and stuff that were

similar enough that I felt like I was

really connecting with anybody so I want

to make this video for people like that

so maybe you'll stumble upon this if

you're struggling or if you know someone

that's struggling um and hopefully

you'll find this helpful I am 24 years

old now currently and when my um OCD

kind of came on or the onset of it

happened when I was 22 um and throughout

my whole life I had always been an

anxious person and that's typical for

people who have onset you know later on

um you kind of have these symptoms or

signs leaning up to you know uh your uh

onset of the actual disorder

and

um I struggled well still struggle I

can't say it past tense unfortunately um

the most with harm OCD now when you

name different types of OCD like if

there's relationship OCD if there's harm

OCD like I said if there's pedophilia

OCD they're all OCD they're all under

this umbrella that is OCD we just give

them

different names that don't mean anything

just to kind of help with describing the

obsessions that we have or the um

symptoms that we're experiencing so um

that's like when people say pure o OCD

it doesn't really mean anything

different it just means that your um

your compulsions are less likely to be

visible things like a lot of people that

have you know visible compulsions will

have to touch certain things a certain

amount of times they'll have to you know

uh do like walk over certain tiles or

something a certain amount of times just

so it feels right but people with pure o

OCD it will be um you know you're kind

of you can spend hours thinking about

one thing thinking about your life and

you know going back and and kind of um

what's it

called um ruminating about certain

things um so those things you can't see

happening but they're still happening

there's still compulsions there's still

things that you do to feel better guy

was saying I deal the most with harm OCD

um and it's kind of come in various

forms and I didn't realize what the hell

it was when it was happening and I it it

was driving me nuts I thought if you

would asked me when it first came on um

when it was really the worst if I

thought I was ever going to get out of

it I would have said no I thought for

sure I was either going to have to kill

myself or that I was going to end up in

some kind of institution somewhere or

that you know just something awful was

going to happen um I was pretty sure of

it um and I mean two years later I'm

still here so I guess it wasn't I mean

it was bad but it wasn't that bad so um

but harm OCD

specifically um it's when your

obsessions deal with harm it's exactly

what it sounds like um so I some people

worry that um they will hurt themselves

or hurt other people through negligence

like if you know you don't wash the

dishes properly you're going to poison

someone someone or if you you know do um

if you if you're driving your

car you might think that you hit

somebody and have to go back and check

that's your compulsion you have to go

back and check um but for me and many

other people um the fear the obsession

is that I'm going to purposely hurt

somebody like I'm going to do something

entirely out of character totally egod

distonic and I'm going to

purposely like willingly hurt somebody

and these thoughts are very distressing

to anyone that experiences this they

they scare you a lot they kind of make

you I remember when I when it was first

happening I didn't want to be around

anybody but at the same time because I

was I thought I was going to hurt

somebody but I also didn't want to be

alone because I thought I was going to

hurt myself so it's not only hurting

other people it's self harm it's all

kinds of things I remember I was really

worried that I was going to hurt an

animal um like that I was going to

purposely like choke one of my dogs or

something and that was terrifying so I

didn't want to be around anybody I

didn't want to do anything I didn't want

to I I

wished I didn't exist honestly wish you

had never been born because you never

want to experience that and the thing is

that people that have these kinds of um

obsessions are you know I'm I've always

always been an animal person I I would

lay awake in bed at night afraid of what

was going to happen to my family like if

you know if one of my parents died or

something you know so I was always

afraid of like things happening to the

people or the animals or whoever that I

cared about and so that's what happens

with OCD it attacks the things that you

know you care about so for me in

particular it was always thoughts of of

my pets of me hurting my pets of me

hurting my my family particularly my

mother um who I always had a very close

relationship with and who I think um my

relationship with her is kind of um kind

of been ruined by my OCD honestly I can

talk a little bit about the onset of it

how it happened um so when I was 22

years old I was getting ready this was

in um Mid August

I was getting ready for that the

following month in September to go to

India and I've traveled long flights

before and I've you know I just know

that I don't travel well I know that I

don't do well with um time changing and

like I just you know I have a lot of

anxiety about it because you know when I

first went to China for example I got

very very sick from just because I

couldn't sleep I couldn't eat and I it

it was a very

very hard experience those first couple

days so I went to the doctor because I

had to go and get my vaccinations and

like these certain things that were were

required because I was going to um be

helping out with the filming of a

documentary so I had like specific

things that I needed to do at the doctor

so I went there and I told them um you

know that I had some travel anxiety and

that I was you know kind of worried

about it and looking back hindsight is

2020 I never should have like listened

to what they said but they put me on

they're like oh well this will help you

they put me on

Celexa so Celexa is a anti-depressant um

that helps for people with anxiety now

the anxiety everyone that I've talked to

any psychiatrist or whatever that I've

had to go to go to after this experience

they were like why did they give you

that for what you said you were

experiencing there's no reason for like

what basically what I needed was like

Xanax like something I could take when I

was feeling anxious on the plane or the

first couple days of the trip and then I

would kind of you know fall back into it

whereas Celexa is a

longterm kind of like it takes the the

time that it would take for me to even

adjust to that medication would have

been well after I would have already

returned from India so there was no

reason for me to have been on that

medication so anyway I shouldn't have

been on it 3 days on the lowest dose um

I had or it was the onset of my OCD and

I started um having these visions and

thoughts and I have to I have to stress

this people that have these Visions or

thoughts they're not desires to do these

things they may may be impulses but

they're negative impulses that you do

not want to act on so I started having

these Visions or um these kind of

thoughts of hurting I remember I

specifically I remember I was holding

one of my dogs and I was like I could so

easily I could just I could just snap

his neck right now and I was like whoo

like what the is that like I'm and

I was really scared and like I I was

like oh whatever okay it's fine um and

then I kind of brushed it off but then

it didn't stop it was like every

everything everywhere I went every room

I was in every like whatever something

was a weapon in my head that I was going

to suddenly grab and use to hurt

somebody or to hurt myself so when this

first happened I was afraid to go into

the bathroom because there are razors in

there there are scissors in there I

thought I was going to have to you know

I was going to like you know I thought I

was going to do something with them I

was going to hurt myself or that I was

going to grab them and stab somebody

like one of my cats or something I

didn't know

what OCD was at this point like many

other people I kind of thought that OCD

was it had to do with cleanliness or

like organization like I have to have my

my desk a certain way or whatever and

for some people it is kind of it does

play on those things it's a little more

complicated um but it does you know that

does happen to some people but for many

people with OCD that is not the case and

in fact many people that do have OCD

will tell you that they are very

disorganized and very messy and that is

the case for me um so you know there you

go so I had no idea what I was going

through so I was you know I went back to

the doctor I made like an emergency

appointment and to kind of cover their

own asset says I will never forget what

this doctor said to me and he like I I

told him what I was experiencing and he

was like cutting me off and saying like

oh well you feel this way you know

you're you're probably bipolar you're

probably this you're probably

schizophrenic and I'm like I'm like I've

never had any kind of anything like this

before in my life like you this is this

is you know this is happening because I

was on this medication like it opened

some kind of Floodgate like something

happened and he asked me if I was

artistic if I was like you know into art

or if I was a musician or whatever I

told him yes I am a painter and I will

never forget verbatim he said to me this

is why so many artists end in tragedy

and I hope that you don't turn to drugs

and alcohol to cope with this and that

is not something you say to somebody who

is having a nervous breakdown um and my

mom's sitting there with me and she's

like what are you talking she's like

I've known this girl obviously 20 two

years like this is not her this is a

different person sitting here like you

can't tell me that this is her now okay

well we didn't do anything you know um

and I will never forget that I and a lot

of the people that I've told either in

my OCD groups or in therapy or you know

uh wherever could not believe that that

doctor had said that to me and that was

like the owner of the practice it it was

like not some like nobody you know it

was the owner of the practice and he

said that to me you know rather than say

you know what you maybe you shouldn't

have been on the medication which he did

not prescribe me he um it was someone

under him um that uh gave me that so um

he yeah he he rather than saying you

know well maybe okay this can happen but

he didn't say that so needless to say I

was freaking out and that night I ended

up in the emergency room cuz I was

having panic attacks and I couldn't deal

with it and I was running on I'm

starting to cry I'm sorry it's very hard

to remember this I was running

on you know many

days

um of no sleep and I hardly I couldn't

eat anything I was I was just drinking

those Special K shakes and I couldn't

even finish them and um you know I was

exhausted and I just couldn't I couldn't

function I couldn't do anything and um

I'm

sorry um so I ended up in the emergency

room and I had to be supervised because

I told them that I was having you know

thoughts of hurting myself or hurting

others and I did I tried to explain to

them that I didn't want to do these

things that

um that I'd never done anything like

that i' never wanted to

sorry

um but uh looking back on it now what's

very alarming um I think is how little

they could help me um how little they

were prepared for anything you know they

were treating they the way that I could

the way that they were talking to me um

was

like like I was a child that didn't

understand or almost like like I was

someone that could be set off and it

didn't matter how many times I tried to

explain you know I don't want to do

these things I I don't understand what's

happening to me I need you to help me

because I don't want these things to

happen

so they called in um one of those

intervention counselors or crisis

counselors or whatever and he was more

understanding he kind of you know he had

had the experience with the wrong types

of medications and all things like that

and he was like listen this is not like

the true you suddenly blossoming through

it's you know this is something that's

happening and you're dealing with it and

you know it's going to it's it's going

to it'll be

okay and he kind of helped me find a um

a psychiatrist that kind of you know

once you start talking to anybody that

has experience with with um mental

health they're like okay like I know

what you're experiencing it's it has

nothing to do with you being a sociopath

hidden or whatever you know um and

things that help me which you shouldn't

do which you shouldn't do don't take my

advice I sought reassurance and I looked

up things you know like I found out that

well I didn't find out I I knew these

things I just needed to hear them

um as a compulsion really

um uh if you're not you know a sociopath

if you're not if you're not someone

that's going to hurt somebody if you

haven't hurt animals if you're not

whatever by the time you're like 18

years old you will never be that way

like it's not going to happen like so

when you're you know 22 years old you're

not just suddenly going to be like okay

well you know what I am suddenly going

to be a sociopath and I'm going to kill

these people and I'm going to do this

it's not going to happen that way and

the thing that's hard

is even though I know that on some level

somewhere in my Consciousness I know

that um

but I

[Music]

can't I can't accept it there's always

that what if and that's why in some

languages um OCD will translate to the

wh if disease because everything is a wh

if everything becomes for me what if I

am crazy what if I am you know what if I

do want to hurt these people what if I

do want to do whatever what if I go

crazy and this

happens and all you really want you just

want like I just want a time machine to

go to the end of my life and meet myself

and say what did you do did you do

anything that you were worried about at

my age and then to have the well I guess

old lady me I don't know what I'm going

to die but the I guess you imagine an

old lady um to have the future dying me

look at me and say no you didn't do any

of that like you worried you wasted your

whole life worrying that's what I want

and then I can come back and be like

okay well I don't have I don't have to

worry about it anymore but unfortunately

it's not that easy so um yeah I mean I

like I said I'm 24 years old now and I'm

still struggling every day every day is

a very

um every day getting out of bed is hard

because um you're overrun with anxiety

right from the get-go sometimes and it

never really goes away you just learn to

manage it you you can get it under

control you can kind of you know you

have to face it and a lot of the time I

was running away from it and that was

the problem so I I think I'm going to

make another video kind of

explaining how to go

about not living your life but like how

to go about um treating yourself and how

to go

about kind of trying to

accept

um that there is something different

about you um when it comes to OCD and

you know anxiety and things like that um

and it affects so many people that they

don't even realize it you know one of

the most common I learned one of the

most common things um that especially

women who've just had a

baby and my mom actually admitted this

to me when I started telling her about

what I was going through um many new

mothers worry they don't want to be

around their kids because they worry

that they're going to either hurt them

or they're going to be like sexually

aroused when they're like changing their

diapers like weird things like that and

it and it affects your relationship with

your child so you kind of distance

yourself and that happens to a lot of

people and that kind of like postpartum

depression and all that stuff that's

very much related to OCD and depression

in general is very much related to OCD

as well I also have clinical depression

um and th those there's lots of um

mental illnesses that go hand inand and

it's unfortunate because it just

compounds the issue and makes it very

hard to deal with um so I know I did a

lot of rambling and a lot of crying and

a lot of weird whatever you know know

there are people with similar um

problems and similar

experiences okay so like I you know I

think I mentioned earlier that my whole

life I always had these kind of things

that were leading up to it you know I

mentioned worrying that my parents were

going to die I would like lay awake in

bed and then you know I forgot to

mention like I would I would be so

worried about my dogs getting out and

getting hit in the road that sometimes I

would sleep on the couch so I'd be

closer to the door to get up and like

you know if the door blew open or

something in the middle of the night we

were having a storm or I would have to

go downstairs so many times to check the

locks like and you know I I I remember

even one time one time in high school I

remember calling one of my friends

because I wasn't home no one was home I

was the last one out and I couldn't

remember if I had locked the door and I

had I called her and I was like I I need

you to go to my house and check if I I

need you to do it cuz I needed that like

I needed that

answer and you know so those are all

things that kind of you know so I mean I

guess this onset of OCD could have

happened at any time but whatever you

know happened with this Celexa whatever

happened with that I mean some people

swear by some people with OCD use Celexa

to help them but it's not right for me

and it kind of you know screwed me over

um so I mean you never know it's kind

of trial and error with all that kind of

stuff so but yeah I think I you know I

think I should leave it here and um I'm

hoping to eventually do some kinds of

like Vlogs of um living with OCD

traveling with OCD um and anxiety in

general because I'm going to be doing

well I'm obviously living with it but

I'm going to be do doing some traveling

and um it affects me very very much like

tenfolds when I'm traveling because it's

new environment different time zone

different whatever um and yeah so I'm

going to try and maybe make some of

those videos so kind of look out for

that um I hope this made sense like I

said I know I was rambling and all that

stuff but it's hard to make these videos

you don't even know what you're going to

say you don't know where it's going to

go you don't know if you're going to cry

you don't know what's going to happen so

um yeah I just you know wanted to put

that out there so thank you and I will

see you again soon