If I Were Single and Starting Over, This Is What I Would Do
Summary
TLDRThe speaker emphasizes the importance of carefully selecting a life partner, as this decision significantly impacts personal growth and happiness. They argue that people often prioritize trivial matters over finding a compatible spouse. The speaker shares their perspective on relationship dynamics, the value of loyalty and trust, and the need for shared goals and mutual support. They advocate for honesty, self-improvement, and the pursuit of a partner who appreciates and aligns with your ambitions and values.
Takeaways
- 🙂 The person you marry has a significant impact on your life, achievements, and happiness, yet people often spend less time choosing a partner than making other life decisions.
- 👥 There's a strong correlation between well-being and the quality of your relationship with your significant other, emphasizing the importance of choosing a partner wisely.
- 👍 Being selective and maintaining high standards in finding a significant other is crucial, akin to seeking a unicorn: you only need to find one.
- 💼 Aligning your own standards and efforts with the qualities you seek in a partner is essential rather than expecting someone to accept you without effort on your part.
- 🙋♂ The concept of a 'dating pipeline' and the importance of not settling for someone just because they don't suck, but rather seeking someone truly compatible.
- 🙏 The idea that your 'type' might not be what ends up being the best match for you, highlighting the value in exploring relationships with people who differ from your usual preferences.
- 🚑 The significance of mutual respect and growth in a relationship, ensuring both partners are improving and supporting each other's goals and aspirations.
- 🙌 The necessity of honesty and clear communication about expectations and goals in a relationship, to avoid resentment and misalignment of life paths.
- 📚 Emphasizing the value of loyalty, trust, and shared journey over novelty, exploration, and individual pursuits when in a committed relationship.
- 💎 The importance of compatibility and mutual growth, ensuring that both partners are contributing positively to each other's lives and are more valuable together than apart.
Q & A
What is the significance of choosing the right partner according to the speaker?
-The speaker emphasizes that the right partner has the largest impact on one's life, personal growth, achievements, and happiness. They believe that most people spend more time deciding on material possessions like cars or houses than on choosing a life partner, who they will spend the most time with.
What is the correlation between subjective well-being and the strength of a relationship?
-The speaker mentions a graph from their economics class that showed a 71% correlation between subjective well-being and the strength of one's relationship with their significant other, highlighting the importance of a strong bond in a partnership.
Why does the speaker compare finding a significant other to having a sales pipeline?
-The speaker compares the two as an analogy to emphasize that, in sales, one knows their conversion percentages and works towards improving them. Similarly, in finding a significant other, one should be focused and aware of their 'conversion' process, meaning the effort and strategies they use to find the right person.
What does the speaker suggest about the approach to online dating and modern relationship apps?
-The speaker suggests that many people are reluctant to use dating apps, often preferring not to put in the effort to go on more than a few dates. They argue that this approach is flawed when considering the importance of choosing a life partner and that one should be more diligent in this process than in making other significant decisions.
What is the speaker's perspective on setting high standards in a relationship?
-The speaker believes in setting exceptionally high standards for a potential partner, but only if one holds themselves to an even higher standard. They argue that this approach leads to self-improvement and attraction of a partner who is also committed to personal growth.
How does the speaker describe the different 'camps' or mindsets people have towards relationships?
-The speaker outlines three 'camps': one where individuals accept any partner, leading to unsatisfactory relationships; another where people desire an amazing partner but fail to improve themselves; and the third, which involves deception and manipulation in dating strategies, rather than focusing on personal development.
What advice does the speaker give about the process of finding a compatible partner?
-The speaker advises focusing on self-improvement and being someone worth being with, rather than using superficial tactics to attract a partner. They also suggest being brutally honest about one's goals and desires in a relationship and ensuring they align with a potential partner's expectations.
How does the speaker's father's advice on 'types' influence his perspective on relationships?
-The speaker's father advised that people usually don't marry their 'type' because if they did, they wouldn't have a 'type' to begin with. This advice suggests that being open to different types of people can lead to a more fulfilling relationship and that sometimes, the person you end up with might be very different from what you initially thought was your 'type'.
What is the speaker's view on the importance of shared goals in a relationship?
-The speaker believes that having shared goals is crucial in a relationship. They argue that understanding and supporting each other's ambitions and the sacrifices required to achieve them leads to a stronger partnership. Misalignment in goals can result in conflict and resentment.
How does the speaker feel about the concept of compromise in relationships?
-The speaker is not in favor of compromise in relationships, especially when it comes to sacrificing one's goals or ambitions. They believe that both partners should be supportive of each other's aspirations and work together towards them, rather than settling for a middle ground that leaves both parties unfulfilled.
What does the speaker suggest as the key to a successful long-term relationship?
-The speaker suggests that the key to a successful long-term relationship is finding someone who aligns with your goals, values, and ambitions, and who is committed to personal growth and self-improvement. They also emphasize the importance of mutual respect, support, and the willingness to work together towards shared objectives.
Outlines
💡 Prioritizing Lifelong Partnership
The speaker emphasizes the importance of choosing a life partner wisely, as this decision significantly impacts one's personal growth, happiness, and achievements. They highlight that people often spend more time deliberating on material possessions or living arrangements than on selecting a spouse. The speaker recalls an economics class graph that illustrated a strong correlation between life satisfaction and the quality of one's relationship with their significant other. They argue that instead of settling for less in the dating process, individuals should aim to find someone who complements their goals and values, and with whom they can build a meaningful, long-term partnership.
🌟 Diverse Relationships and Personal Growth
The speaker discusses how dating a diverse range of individuals can lead to personal growth and a broader understanding of different cultures and lifestyles. They share their own experiences of dating people with varying interests and backgrounds, which has enriched their perspective. The speaker also talks about the importance of developing the skill of judging people accurately, which involves recognizing patterns and learning from past experiences. They believe that being brutally honest about one's expectations and desires in a relationship can lead to a stronger and more fulfilling partnership.
🔄 Trade-offs in Relationships
The speaker explores the concept of trade-offs in relationships, such as exchanging novelty for loyalty and the pursuit of multiple romantic interests for a shared journey with one partner. They argue that being clear about one's priorities and understanding the costs associated with one's choices is crucial for a successful relationship. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of aligning with a partner who supports and shares the same long-term goals and is willing to make sacrifices to achieve them together.
💌 The Dynamics of Supportive Partnerships
The speaker discusses the dynamics of a supportive partnership, where both individuals work towards common goals and appreciate each other's contributions. They believe that a strong relationship is one where the combined efforts of both partners are greater than their individual efforts. The speaker also talks about the importance of each partner being an asset to the other, contributing positively to the relationship and helping each other grow. They argue that a successful relationship is measured by how much better the couple is together compared to being apart.
🚀 Growth and High Standards in Relationships
The speaker advocates for setting high standards in relationships and maintaining personal growth to attract and be worthy of a quality partner. They argue that one must be ambitious in self-improvement and hold oneself to a higher standard than the expectations for a partner. The speaker shares their own experiences of becoming a better version of themselves through their relationship and emphasizes the importance of mutual support and encouragement in achieving personal goals. They believe that relationships should be a virtuous cycle of growth, where both partners help each other become the best versions of themselves.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Significant Other
💡Standards
💡Compatibility
💡Personal Growth
💡Long-term Goals
💡Synergy
💡Appreciation
💡Priorities
💡Trade-offs
💡Alignment
💡Resilience
Highlights
The importance of choosing the right partner, as they will have the largest impact on one's life, happiness, and achievements.
The correlation between subjective well-being and the strength of the relationship with a significant other is 71%.
The paradox of spending more time deciding on material possessions than on selecting a life partner.
The concept of having high standards for a partner and the importance of self-improvement to match those standards.
The idea of 'Camp one' where people settle for less and 'Camp two' where people desire an amazing partner but fail to improve themselves.
The fallacy of using dating hacks and deception to attract a partner, as true character will eventually reveal itself.
The belief in solving one big issue to improve all aspects of life, including relationships.
The insight that people often don't marry their 'type', suggesting that different qualities may be more suitable for long-term partnership.
The value of dating a diverse range of people to gain exposure to different cultures and psychographics.
The importance of developing the skill of judging people accurately, which requires pattern recognition and experience.
The realization that one's partner should support their goals and not hinder their progress for a successful relationship.
The idea of being brutally honest about expectations and desires in a relationship to avoid future resentment.
The concept of trading novelty for loyalty, exploration for trust, and the chase for a shared journey in a relationship.
The importance of aligning life goals with one's partner and the potential for conflict when goals differ.
The belief that a good spouse should not ask their partner to abandon their goals or change the rules midway.
The analogy of a spouse being a cheerleader who supports their partner's ambitions rather than detracting from them.
The idea that relationships should add value to each other's lives, with both partners contributing to shared goals and aspirations.
The emphasis on personal growth and improvement as a means to attract and maintain a high-quality relationship.
The perspective that a successful relationship is one where both partners are better together than they are apart, and the value of mutual support and reinforcement.
Transcripts
if I were single and starting over this
is how I'd find my partner the person
you spend the rest of your life with
will have the largest impact on who you
become what you achieve and how happy
you are but most people spend more time
deciding what car they want to buy or
what neighborhood they're going to live
in than the person they're going to
marry when I was in college there was a
graph they put on the board in my
economics class that said that there's a
71 correlation between your subjective
well-being and the strength of your
relationship with your significant other
and if you pair that with amount of time
spent with friends family kids alone and
spouse over time alone and spouse go up
and everything else crashes down to like
almost nothing the person that you're
going to spend the most amount of time
for the rest of your life with is going
to be your spouse the amount of single
people that I see right now who are like
H I don't want to be on the apps the
apps don't work it's
like we're talking about finding the one
person you're going to be with for the
rest of your life that you're going to
spend the most amount of time with out
of all humans by like a wide wide mark
and you're like I don't want to go on
more than 10 Dates it's like so you just
want to spin the wheel 10 times to just
pick whatever of the 10 that you get
that you're like I guess this one
doesn't suck and then that's it that's
the rest of your life it's like I just
want the rest of my life to kind of not
suck it's kind of like the inverse of
selling like in sales you have a
pipeline and you know what your
conversion percentages are the thing
with finding significant other is you
only need to find one and I remember
when I was way younger like in high
school going to college where you know
some girls like what are you looking for
we're like on a date thing and it did
not go the way she was expecting um I
was just like these are all the things
I'm looking for and she was really
discouraged looks like you're just
trying to find a unicorn I was like only
have to find one I think I believe in
having exceptionally high standards only
second to the standards you hold
yourself to so either you've got like
Camp number one I'll take anyone with a
pulse that's one way to do it you're
just going to get the scraps of society
which sucks Camp two which is probably
the more prevalent one which is why so
many people are struggling is I want to
have this amazing person but I suck but
they should be so amazing that they
should see me for who I am deep down
like deep no deeper even deeper like
really deep down they should be able to
see that right even though I'm [ __ ] up
and I don't have a job and I'm
overweight and i' never stick with my
commitments and I never follow through
like besides all that and I lie
sometimes you know what I mean that I
haven't been faithful for like past
relationships but still and I'm not
complimentary and like I don't have any
values that that they aspire to be I
actually really have nothing going for
me but besides all of that deep deep
down I'm amazing they just knew how to
look that's like Camp too and I feel
like that's a lot of people and then
Camp 3 is you know I I saw this meme
that went like all over the Internet
which is you can consolidate all of the
relationship guru's dating advice to be
successful and they were they were
making fun of that yes that that is at
the at the end of everything that's it
100 different hacks and most of them are
about deception like realistically like
most of the like dating hacks that I see
are about posturing and perceiving you
know making people see you a certain way
but but the thing is is like on a long
enough time R they're going to figure
out who you are and so like it's
short-term longterm and so people don't
want to do the harder long-term work of
just like being somebody worth being
with and want to find out how they can
like optimize their dating profiles and
don't get me wrong like it's an ad so
get nice images sure like maybe spend 5
minutes on what you're going to have
every single Potential Prospect in your
life see okay that makes sense the real
work is like okay you go on the date now
what right like you still have to like
be somebody that somebody might want to
be with so I'm a big like big Domino
believer which is like if I solve this
one big thing can I make all of the rest
of these things go away I can do a 100
tiny tweaks and hacks to try and find a
girl who's out of my league or I can
just make myself so worthy that I can
get any girl no matter what league she's
in and if I just do that the rest I
don't I don't need to optimize my
profile I don't need to have I don't
need to have all these things because if
I just have that I'm fine and so I've
just I've tended to try and find that
one thing in business in Fitness in
relationships um and that serve me
pretty well my dad told me this when I
was single he said everyone has a type
and you'll date plenty of people who are
that type but the chances are that
you're not going to marry your type
because if you were then you wouldn't
have a type you'd have a wife and I
found that really interesting because if
you keep dating the same type of person
and you're like this is my type then it
is probably a good signal that that type
of person isn't the person you end up
with because you still keep dating them
if you have been dating one type of
person then you finally get with
somebody else and it's very different it
doesn't necessarily mean that's bad if
anything it might actually be the type
of person you end up marrying and I just
find that as a really interesting frame
for thinking through mate selection you
know we date people who fill one clear
role or one clear look especially when
you're younger it's just I mean at least
for me it was just like how hot is this
person or whatever but over time you
realize that like you date someone a
little bit on the edge and you're like
oh I liked all these other things that
the people I normally don't have and
then all of a sudden you start branching
into very different types of people and
kind of in some ways appreciating cuz I
I would say I've I've dated a more
diverse selection of people than I've
been friends with I would say friends
like anyone who's friends with me is
very narrowly interested in certain
types of things but people I dated I was
willing to date people were far outside
of that sphere of confidence and so even
though I currently now am married to
somebody who is in that sphere of like
business and hardcore and all that stuff
I feel like I I got a a big appreciation
for lots of different cultures
ethnically but also like psychograph of
deeply religious people like I dated
people who were deeply religious before
and so I have a really good appreciation
for that and so I wouldn't have had that
exposure had I not been willing to kind
of break the type I think being able to
pick and judge people is one of the most
valuable skills you can ever develop and
it's one of the hardest ones to develop
because it takes pattern recognition
getting burned I'm going to lean into
this like judging people is fine you
have to assess someone how are you going
to assess them without judging them the
difference is calling them good or bad
like getting an accurate assessment of
who someone is or what they do is
totally fine and it's human to do that
and I think it's it's necessary and so
this this idea of like you should never
judge anyone it's like you should judge
everyone you just NE don't necessarily
need to measure yourself against them I
feel like you're only going to be able
to recognize patterns if you put
yourself out there and you're willing to
have terrible first dates and terrible
second dates uh for an extended period
of time because you might find out that
there's like a whole set of character
traits that you didn't even know were
important to you and then you find them
and you're like whoa this is now way
more important than all the other stuff
that I used to think was important I
only found that stuff out cuz like it's
really hard to even hear podcasts like
this and be like okay what do I do with
this like it is just exposure you can
make judgments on people even outside of
a romantic relationship of like man I
like this person that I worked with like
what are the traits that I like about
this person and trying to like really
pinpoint those like I I learned that I
really liked a woman who respected me
and who followed traditional gender
roles uh those are things that are super
important to me that I didn't know were
important to me I only found that out
kind of later I I I needed someone who
does not get in the way of my goals if I
had somebody who who was felt like I was
taking by pursuing my goals I knew it
would never work long term because I
can't have my entire life be a take for
somebody else I'll never be able to to
flip that that balance so like I I need
someone who literally doesn't even see
it as a take not someone who's like you
can take as much as you want that still
doesn't work cuz the paradigm's wrong
like they have to see it as a give like
they have to see me working as doing as
fulfilling my duty to our household and
I want them to judge me on that and so
making sure that the person you're with
judges you by the metrics that you judge
yourself on you might be spending all
this time effort optimizing towards what
you think you should be judged on but if
they're judging you on completely
different metrics you're screwed you'll
never win and so there's always going to
be this huge disconnect this huge gap
where they're like you could be doing
more and you're like how can I possibly
do more but it's because you're actually
judging against different outcomes
making sure that the things that they
expect of you and the things that you
expect of you are the same and then they
should be supporting you because they
want those things from you too and then
that way you can work in Synergy towards
what you're trying to accomplish
together uh rather than feeling there's
always this give take cuz like really
really super honestly like Lea and I
don't really have a give take
relationship we both just like want the
same thing I never want her to think I
could have done more or I could have
worked harder or I left anything on the
field and so I think that's been a
source of mutual respect is that we're
both harder on ourselves than the other
person is on us and so we're always out
outdoing the other person's expectations
because we're both assessing on the same
metrics if you want to be the ultimate
husband find a woman who loves all the
things that you currently do way less
work than trying to change everything
about who you are to match what they
want from you the amount of times I was
in relationships where the things that
they wanted me to do I was like this
isn't me like I can't expend effort to
do
this but I don't want to on a forever
basis because I will resent you but the
thing is that there's another guy who
would love to do that and probably does
it on his own and they should marry him
and so I think just being like really
really really brutally honest about what
do you really want out of me and what do
you expect like what's a 10 out of 10
husband look like to you and if it
matches what I already do or what I'm
planning to do then it makes both of our
lives a lot easier because I'm going to
work my ass off on what I already want
to do and it will just so happen to F
fulfill all of your desires but I think
way too many people spend time in this
like compromise Zone where neither
person gets what they want even if both
of you compromise you're not enjoying
the thing that you're compromising on
they're getting a worse version of what
they ideally want
and you're just walking out this like
kind of middle path when I think both
people could be better served by being
brutally honest up front and being okay
with somebody being an amazing person
just not their amazing person you know
one of the biggest things that I hate
about romance advice and relationship
advice in general in the whole Space
which is why I try not to touch it is
that there is no objective measure for a
relationship billionaire so like
somebody else can be married or in a
relationship and I make a piece of
content and they're like well you're
[ __ ] wrong because of X Y and Z and
I'm like things is that there's no way
that anyone externally can see how
healthy a relationship is internally and
so that's what I think makes it so hard
about the space cuz the only success
metric we have is not divorced the vast
majority of marriages that I see I would
not want at all Roy southernland said
this which I think is actually really
interesting he talked about how realtors
Realtors should be advertising the
negative aspects of a property to allow
people to make better decisions if you
say hey it's you know I'm next to the
pub area for some people that's going to
be a no-go Zone but for somebody who
likes the night life then it's going to
be a pro but all Realtors do is talk
about the plus sides but what you really
want is the Arbitrage between something
that you are fine with that would quote
devalue your property that someone else
isn't fine with and that's where the the
mismatches or the better matches
actually happen I think to the same
degree people could approach dating that
way which is rather than say all the
good things like I'm hardworking I'm in
shape whatever state all the downsides
because if all of your downsides
someone's like those things don't bother
me me that becomes a very strong
relationship or has the makings of a
strong relationship because then there's
all the things that everyone is
complaining about of you if they're cool
with it then they only get upside if I'm
fine with being on the bars when it's
late next to the Metro even though
there's noise because I work from an
office and I don't I'm not home during
the day um if I'm a you know I'm a guy
and I'm not worried about being in a
rougher neighborhood cuz no one's going
to you know necessarily approach me
versus an a single girl who's 100
lb then that probably that house my
match with that house is probably a good
deal for me I'm probably get I'm going
to probably get a steal on the house and
so you want to get a steal on a partner
is like all these things is what other
people were bothered about [ __ ] I love
all that [ __ ] or I'm fine with all of it
like you work too much cool me too I we
work together uh people kind of don't
like that I'm like kind of particular
about what I eat and like I want to you
know stay in shape cool me too awesome
and so just take all the negatives and
find somebody who thinks as negatives
are positives or at least neutral and
then like how much effort are you put in
the relationship you're just being you
and they just like you for you and I
think that's way more about like what is
liking someone for who they are it's
that and it's not like I don't think
it's this whole journey of like they
suck at these things but I accept them
it's more like everyone else thinks the
suck about them but I'm cool with it I
think that's a much stronger frame the
person whose opinion matters the most to
me is hers like her hers carries the
most weight so if she's like you crushed
that it means a lot more to me than
500,000 strangers saying I crushed it
because if she said then like she knows
what I'm capable of whereas for many
people who don't know you anything
that's better than what they would do
they would consider a success but their
bar is much lower than mine is and so
she knows what my bar is and she has a
high bar too and so that's why it it
matters more like the reason that she's
probably not writing a book anytime is
because she knows how much work I put
into it and she's like I'm afraid it's
not going to be as good as one of yours
on the flip side she's so much better at
running a company she's so much better
at leading she's so much better at
managing she's so much better at
interacting with people selling ideas to
the team I'm great at selling ideas to
the public she's created selling ideas
to the team and so completely different
skill set and so I um and like when she
does Great Stuff with the team like I
just I just appreciate her and all the
stuff that she does I would say that for
me appreciation believe it or not
actually comes really easily in romantic
relationships like showering with praise
like I I've always been good at that
doing other stuff like gifts
[ __ ] you know like acts of service
tougher for me but like telling you did
a good job I'm your guy even within the
people that we date we should still have
priorities of like what is the most
important what's second most important
and if you're like well they're all
important then it means that you need to
clarify your priorities cuz nothing
everything can't be a priority this is
literally strategy and business
everything's important but some things
are still more important than others and
if you can't get clear on what the
priorities are for you then how the [ __ ]
do you expect your spouse or your
partner or the person you're dating to
figure out what's important for you if
you can't even figure it out and so if
you're clear on here's my checklist of
tactics that mean a lot to me and then
here's my checklist on goals or
character traits or activities that mean
a lot to me if they if they sacrifice a
number three to keep doing doing number
one you can't be upset about that
because that was the tree that you
decided to make now if they show you
some three awesome it's gravy but the
number one still has to stay number one
for her me having big goals and being
ambitious just was the number one thing
that she was attracted to and I was like
good cuz that's the thing that's not
going to change now these other things
if I have time or I have headp space or
I remember I do them but I also forget
all the time I forgot her birthday the
first year we were married I also forgot
mine I can't believe you would do that
to your wife I was like I also did it to
me I like me too so like what does that
say it's making sure you understand the
trade-offs you're making and then not
being upset after the fact at the price
tag for the Nikes that you chose to buy
it cost 500 bucks either get the Nikes
or don't complain about the price you
can't have both I think really clearly
stating you want this the cost of this
is this are you okay with that if you're
not this won't work because I too want
this but I understand the cost is this
and I'm willing to pay the cost but are
you willing to pay it too and I think if
that person is not willing to pay it
then they are not supporting your
long-term goals and then if you play it
out and you don't achieve your long-term
goals who do you blame you'll resent
them and if you're an amazing stoic
you'll blame yourself but realistically
you'll probably just resent them so I
have I have a friend who has been single
for a long time he was dating somebody
for you know a few years he was like how
do you just stick with one person he's
obviously successful guy in shape
whatever like a Chad right who can who
can get girls you know we' gone back and
forth and I just try to consolidate it
into one statement I added the other two
on later what I told him is I was like
you just trade novelty for loyalty like
you you give up novelty but what do you
get if you give up novelty but then you
don't have loyalty yeah it's a bad
[ __ ] trade but if you get loyalty for
me I value loyalty arguably even above
law loyalty as we have defined it is
your ability to predict Behavior like if
someone is loyal it means that I have a
high ability to predict their future
Behavior if someone is disloyal then
they I might not know what they're doing
and that's not a controlling thing it's
it's just like does does somebody act in
accordance to the statements that
they've made you trade exploration for
trust right like you can explore all
these things but then you don't really
trust anyone but if you stop exploring
then you start paying you start
investing in time into one thing and I
think the dividends of that time is
trust and then you trade like this is
from a day-to-day activities perspective
you trade the chase of chasing tail
chasing women chasing men whatever for a
journey together so one is you kind of
on the hunt and the other is with you
someone by side going towards someplace
so rather than you going towards people
you're with someone already going
towards an idea or a goal or an outcome
or a purpose and so for me those were
trades that I was willing to make
basically the moment I thought I
wouldn't be able to marry someone I
stopped seeing them I had mul girls big
like not to be weird but like being like
let's get married let's do this and I
was like I don't think I want to and
then that was it but it saved me a lot
of time and saved them a lot of years
and so I also think it's an ethical
thing and this is this is more message
to guys and really just message to the
Chads out there so take it for what it
is but like I I genuinely do not like
when a guy pretends like he might do
something later when he knows that he's
not going to want to have kids or he's
not going to want to get married and the
girl is there waiting hoping I don't
like that cuz to me it's a lie I State
the facts and tell the truth is probably
like one of my big comeback toos in
everything in life especially hardships
it's like if you have a hard
conversation State the facts and tell
the truth like I don't want to marry you
if you would like to hang out with me in
the meantime while you find someone with
that but I want to be clear that this is
my intention if it evolves into
something later cuz you magically change
maybe but probably not and I think that
people can't have that hard conversation
because they're cowards that being said
if you prefer novelty to loyalty and you
prefer exploration to trust and you
prefer the chase to a journey then you
shouldn't get married like I I have no I
have no qualm one way or the other that
was just a tradeit I was willing to make
with this particular person it'd be hard
for me to find another Lea your spouse
marries to two people the person you are
and the person that you want to become
make sure that they love both sometimes
they meet you in today but where you're
going is somewhere very different
tomorrow and so it comes back to the
idea of change versus growth which is if
they want you to grow then it's being
more of what you already are in the
direction you're already growing if they
want you to change they want you to be
someone different towards a different
end goal and so I think a lot of people
kid themselves this happens I think more
women towards men than men towards women
to be honest but like women will try and
like he's a project it's like that's a
[ __ ] terrible way to live life like
dear God making the person that you are
committed to a project it means that
they don't either love who you are they
don't love who you're going to become
most people have been in only like three
or four major relationships in their
life before they get married and a lot
of times it's just like the person who
was there at the time when they were old
enough that they should get married like
that's really what happens most of the
time which is why most marriages are
nonsp spectacular but I think if you
went on a 100 dayses
you probably have a way better idea of
the types of people the character trates
out there the interest that you might be
able to potentially share with someone
and just not basically just not settling
just being willing to say no to good and
good not being good enough most people
have an idea of their aspirations and
their goals if those are your
aspirations and your goals hopefully you
share them with your spouse or the
person that you want to be married to
and if that person is aligned with those
aspirations and goals then they should
be aligned with you paying the price to
achieve them it just comes down to that
like if they if they're willing if they
love the person you want to become then
they're going to be willing to do with
the sacrifice that it will take to get
where it becomes an issue I think is
where people don't know what they want
to do with their lives and to me that's
a you problem that you need to solve cuz
otherwise you're just basically a a
rolled Dice and the other person's a
rolled Dice and then you roll them later
in your relationship and you find out
that you want different things which I
think honestly counter to popular
opinion I think that's a perfectly fine
reason to not be with somebody and for
some reason you're it's okay to break up
with somebody when you're not married
because you want different things but
then if you find out later that you want
different things when you're married
it's not okay if Leila came to me
tomorrow and was like I want to live on
a farm and not work and do whatever I'd
be like that's going to be tough I'd try
and convince her
otherwise but like that would be tough
cuz it would just it I was like that's a
price I'm not willing to pay because
what I'd be sacrificing is my dream of
who I want to be because at the end of
the day like your spouse can either be a
liability or an asset and a reminder is
that liabilities decline in value over
time assets increase in value I
recommend choosing the latter that is
why growth is so important to me from uh
picking a spouse perspective because
women's status declines in time they're
most attract acve at you know 20 to 30
years old and then it declines in time
if you use Society standards they have
to have other ways of providing value I
would rather be with somebody who's
continually getting better continually
working on themselves continually trying
to get new skills get New Perspectives
new experiences whatever and somebody
who's going to stagnate and just
basically ride the coattails of their
genetic Lottery which unfortunately I
feel a lot of like entrepreneur or you
know wealthy guys that I know like they
just pick somebody who wanton a genetic
Lottery they're just instead of being a
trust fund kid it's a it's a it's a
beauty trust fund girl they just were
born beautiful they have nothing else
cuz they never needed to and that sucks
so there's a stat that always gets
thrown around that more than half of
marriages end in divorce but it's a
little bit misleading because it's
actually significantly lower for
first-time marriages so first-time
marriages have like a 30% chance of
divorce third fourth Etc I think second
is like 70 and third is like 80 or
something it's very high very very high
so so the reality is that the people who
get married many times skew the stats
because the divorce rate is based on
marriages not based on people
but yeah so there is this illusion that
like you know all marriages in but like
if it's your first marriage you've got a
seven and a 10 shot of staying married
till one of you dies I feel like that's
a little bit more encouraging yeah I
mean I see I I like the I like the term
partner even though it's like considered
like woke or something now I think but I
like the term partner or life partner
because of what it like really entails
more than spouse or wife or husband
because what you're really signing up
for is somebody who's going to partner
with you for life and so like if you had
a business partner you'd want somebody
who had you know contrasting skills with
to you but had the same goal like if you
have a partner like you want to build
this amazing thing together they should
want to go the same place as you they
should want to have the same values as
you is getting there but they should
have complimentary skills that's what
picking a good partner looks like in
business and it looks the same in
marriage if you find a true partner then
the sum of the whole is greater than its
parts I would say the vast majority of
relationships one or the other is a
liability and is a is a weight against
the other person and the person who's in
the relationship would be better off if
they were alone and so that's kind of
how I measure that's how I would measure
relational success is how how much more
valuable is the sum than the individual
parts and so I think the people who get
the biggest Delta between who they are
individually versus who they are
together that's what I would deem is the
measure of a successful relationship how
much better are they together I love
this is analogy from Gary ve
cheerleaders don't ask the quarterback
to leave the game when the game's on the
line a good spouse clears the way on the
field or cheers from the sidelines to
support you but you know what they never
do
ask you to leave the game when the
game's on the line and the thing is I
see so many so many spouses who when the
game's on the line and the person's been
putting all this time in to achieve the
goal that they said matter to them then
says I also have this other goal that
matters to me too I'm changing the rules
on you and I think that creates a lot of
conflict it's like I'm trying to win the
way that I thought we both said we
wanted to win but now you're saying that
halfway through the game or when I'm at
the 10 yard line that touchdowns don't
matter anymore that for me if someone
did that and meant it I would run the
other way cuzz you can't win honestly
most relationships are one person's
watching from home with the game in the
background while they're doing other
stuff blowing up the person's phone
while they're on the sidelines before
like an important point that they need
to win saying all these things that
aren't going to help them or even
actively hope that they their spouse's
team loses so they can finally come home
because they changed the rules and said
this is actually winning now but then
when they're home they say why aren't
you winning on the field and if you're
with somebody who can't get straight
what they want from you find someone who
does I had a I had a relationship that I
was super into for a very long time but
at the end of the day they wanted
different things out of life they were
like these are the goals that I have and
I was like these are the goals I have
and like we amicably split I was like I
hope you get all that stuff I'm not the
guy for that but I hope you get it cuz
if that's not a line then like we're
just going to run into conflict later
cuz one of us is going to have to give
if there's two separate goals one
person's goal is is going to have to
give or you have the same goal and then
you both give all you have to that one
goal and so rather than being detractors
the efforts become additive and then
they stack on top of each other which is
why the whole value of relationship or
the strength of relationship is based on
how much better they are together versus
apart at the end of the day I think we
all need someone who believes in us as
much or more than we believe in
ourselves bonus points if they are your
spouse and double bonus points if uh
you're that person for them if the if
the whole point is to get the sum of the
whole to be greater than the parts they
have to believe that you can be better
than you are and it's about being better
not different than who you are and I
think that's a big delineation that gets
confused like they Define you being more
the way I want you to be as better but
it's really just different than who you
are but if it's I want you to be more of
who you are then that's better and if
that better is also their better that's
when I think the magic happens and if
you can also do that for them then I
think you have a really virtuous cycle
of both people reinforcing one another
to become better versions of the self
themselves align with the goal that both
of you already pre-agreed to saying that
you wanted I think everyone should have
obscenely high standards for the one
person they're going to spend the rest
of their life with but you can only have
those obscenely high standards if you
hold yourself to a higher standard than
you hold them to Big goals plus big work
equals ambitious big goals plus lazy
equals entitled and I think most people
feel entitled to an amazing spouse but
they aren't ambitious about how they
want to pursue them and so I think if we
replaced a lot of this basically being
mediocre and complaining about the
mediocre selection you have with how do
I hold myself to a higher bar than I'd
hold my spouse to my future spouse too I
think you'll find that future spouse but
it's probably three or four iterations
from who you currently are to deserve or
be worthy of that spouse I think um
Leila had someone asked her not in a
weird way they're like how would I be
able to get a girl like you she came to
me afterwards and she was like I didn't
want to say the mean thing which is like
I would never be with someone like you
like that's the real I think most of
better marriages comes from becoming
better people better people then are
attracted to better people which then
means that you have the very hard work
of looking yourself in the mirror and
saying like where am my deficient and if
it's everywhere you start with the most
important one and you start there I'm
much wealthier now that my wife is in my
life I'm in much better shape than when
I met Ila I'm much less angry than when
I met Lea I'm more patient than when I
met Lea I'm Kinder than when I met Lea I
have far more
endurance and far more
longsuffering
and I experience a lot more joy in my
life than when I met her there's no
almost no stat that I have that has gone
down if you find someone that is taking
you away from more than one of your
goals especially if they are priorities
for you I think you're far less likely
to change them and it' be far easier to
find someone who is
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