How To Get In Your Ex's Head

Summary

Coach Lee offers five strategies to get into your ex's head post-breakup: 1) Initiate the breakup to disrupt their sense of superiority; 2) Control the momentum by ceasing pursuit, allowing them space to reconsider; 3) Maintain composure and avoid anger to demonstrate emotional strength; 4) Don't fix the relationship for them, making them take responsibility for reconciliation; 5) Resist rushing, showing patience and self-worth. These tactics aim to rebalance the relationship dynamics and potentially lead to reconciliation.

Takeaways

• 😀 Giving your ex the breakup can disrupt their expectations and put you in a position of power.
• 🏃‍♂️ Controlling the momentum by not chasing after your ex can make them question their decision to break up.
• 🤔 Allowing your ex space to reflect on the breakup can lead them to reconsider their feelings and the relationship.
• 🚫 Avoid showing anger or desperation as it can signal emotional weakness and push your ex further away.
• 🤗 Displaying emotional strength and living a fulfilling life without your ex can make you more attractive to them.
• 🙅‍♀️ Don't take on the responsibility of fixing the relationship; it's important for your ex to demonstrate their commitment.
• 👫 Be cautious about rushing back into the relationship; taking it slow can build anticipation and increase attraction.
• 💬 When your ex reaches out, respond with reserve and avoid giving them immediate reassurance or satisfaction.
• 🔑 Understanding the dynamics of attraction and loss can help you navigate the complex emotions post-breakup.
• ⏳ Patience is key; taking time to rebuild the relationship can lead to a stronger and more stable bond in the future.

Q & A

What is the first strategy Coach Lee suggests to get into your ex's head?

The first strategy is to give them the breakup, meaning not to chase, beg, or plead but to let them go, which disrupts their expectation of you being less attractive and desperate.

Why does Coach Lee recommend not chasing after your ex after a breakup?

Chasing after your ex can make you appear obsessed or unstable, and it pushes them further away. It's better to let the momentum go and allow them to come to you if they wish to reconnect.

How does showing anger affect the process of getting back into your ex's head according to Coach Lee?

Showing anger reveals that the breakup deeply affected you, which can be a sign of weakness in the context of attraction. It's better to display emotional strength and not let them see the negative impact they had on you.

What is the significance of not rushing back into a relationship with your ex as mentioned by Coach Lee?

Not rushing shows that you value yourself and are not desperate for their attention. It's an attractive quality that can make your ex reconsider their decision and create a more balanced dynamic if you do get back together.

Why should you not try to fix the relationship for your ex, as per Coach Lee's advice?

Fixing the relationship for your ex can put you in a position of less attraction. It's their responsibility to initiate the reconciliation since they were the ones who broke up, showing they are ready and willing to put in the effort.

What does Coach Lee mean by 'control the momentum' in the context of getting back with an ex?

Controlling the momentum means managing the pace of interaction after a breakup. It involves not chasing them when they pull away and not stopping them when they start to come back, allowing the natural ebb and flow of attraction to take its course.

How does Coach Lee suggest responding when your ex reaches out expressing missing you or wanting to get back together?

Coach Lee suggests responding with reserve, acknowledging their feelings without committing fully. For example, saying you're open to the idea but prefer to take things one day at a time.

What is the role of self-value in Coach Lee's strategy for getting back into an ex's head?

Self-value is crucial. By showing that you are not desperate for their attention and can live a fulfilling life without them, you increase your attractiveness and make them question their decision to break up.

How does Coach Lee define attraction in the context of breakups and getting back together?

Attraction, as defined by Coach Lee, is a feeling of being pulled towards someone and a sense of desirability. After a breakup, the goal is to reestablish that pull and make the ex feel they are not necessarily more attractive than you.

What is the 'Emergency Breakup Kit' mentioned by Coach Lee and how can it help?

The 'Emergency Breakup Kit' is a resource Coach Lee offers, which compiles his 20 years of relationship coaching experience to guide individuals on how to potentially get their ex back.

Outlines

00:00

💡 Getting into Your Ex's Head by Initiating the Breakup

Coach Lee suggests that the first step to get into your ex's head is to give them the breakup. When you are the one being broken up with, your ex feels more attractive and assumes you will chase after them. By giving them the breakup, you disrupt their expectations and put them in a position where they might reflect on their decision. This strategy involves not chasing, begging, or pleading, but rather showing them that you are not less attractive or desperate. It's about controlling the momentum and not allowing them to feel superior in the breakup process.

05:01

🔄 Controlling Momentum to Influence Your Ex's Thoughts

The second strategy Coach Lee discusses is controlling the momentum of the relationship. When your ex breaks up with you, they are metaphorically running away, and if you chase after them, they will run faster. Instead, you should let them get far enough away that they stop running and may even turn back. This means not responding immediately to their advances or reaching out. When they do reach out, it's crucial to respond with reserve, not with desperation or a rush to get back together, which can stop their momentum and make them feel like they've won you back too easily.

10:01

😐 Staying Calm and Not Angry to Attract Your Ex

Coach Lee's third point is about not showing anger after a breakup. Anger can signal pain and vulnerability, which your ex might interpret as a sign that they've deeply affected you. Instead of showing anger, it's better to project emotional strength and the ability to move on with your life. This doesn't mean you're not hurt, but rather that you're disciplined enough not to show it. By not being angry, you demonstrate that you live a fulfilling life and are not desperate to get back together, which can be more attractive to your ex.

15:03

🤔 Not Fixing the Breakup for Your Ex

The fourth strategy involves not fixing the breakup for your ex. If they broke up with you, it's their responsibility to make the effort to get back together if they want to. By not taking the initiative to fix things, you avoid reinforcing the idea that they are more attractive and you are desperate. Instead, you let them make the moves and take responsibility for their actions. This can involve them reaching out and showing genuine interest in rekindling the relationship, without you having to do all the work.

🕐 Taking Your Time to Regain Your Ex's Interest

The final strategy Coach Lee outlines is not rushing back into the relationship. By taking your time and showing that you're willing to move slowly, you demonstrate that you're not desperate to get back together. This can make your ex question their decision to break up and make them more attracted to you. It's about maintaining your self-respect and not jumping at the first opportunity to reunite, which can prevent short-term reunions that fade away quickly. By being patient and taking it one day at a time, you show that you value the relationship and yourself.

Keywords

💡Breakup

A breakup refers to the termination of a romantic relationship. In the video, Coach Lee discusses the psychological dynamics following a breakup, particularly the perceived attractiveness and emotional responses of the individuals involved. The script uses the concept of 'giving them the breakup' as a strategy to disrupt the ex's expectations and potentially rekindle their interest.

💡Attraction

Attraction in this context is the force or appeal that draws one person toward another romantically. The video script explores how the balance of attraction shifts after a breakup and how it can be leveraged to regain an ex's interest. Coach Lee suggests that showing indifference can make the person who initiated the breakup question their perceived higher attractiveness.

💡Momentum

Momentum, as used in the script, refers to the progression or direction of emotional and relational movement between two people post-breakup. Coach Lee advises controlling this momentum by not chasing after the ex, which could reinforce their decision to breakup, but rather allowing them space to potentially reconsider their actions.

💡Discipline

Discipline in this video script is the ability to control one's emotions and actions, especially in the face of strong desires or impulses. Coach Lee emphasizes the importance of showing discipline by not reacting with anger or desperation, which could undermine one's attempts to regain their ex's interest.

💡Ego

Ego, in the context of the video, represents an individual's self-esteem or self-importance. Coach Lee mentions that after a breakup, the ex might have an inflated ego, feeling more attractive and desirable. The script suggests managing one's own ego and not feeding into the ex's ego as a strategy to rebalance the relationship dynamics.

💡Reserve

Reserve indicates a sense of caution or restraint in expressing one's feelings or intentions. In the video, Coach Lee advises showing reserve when interacting with an ex, to avoid appearing too eager or desperate, which can be perceived as a sign of lower attractiveness.

💡Anger

Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. The script discusses how displaying anger after a breakup can signal to the ex that they have a significant emotional impact on you, which might reinforce their decision to end the relationship. Coach Lee recommends controlling the display of anger to maintain emotional strength.

💡Pain

Pain, in this context, refers to the emotional suffering experienced after a breakup. The video script suggests that while it's natural to feel pain, showing this pain to the ex can be detrimental to regaining their interest, as it might confirm their perception of being 'more attractive' without you.

💡Rush

To rush means to act hastily or急于求成. Coach Lee warns against rushing back into a relationship with an ex, as it can signal desperation and a lack of self-value. The script encourages taking time to evaluate the situation and proceed slowly, which can demonstrate self-respect and regain the ex's interest.

💡Strategy

A strategy is a carefully devised plan or approach to achieve a particular goal. In the video, Coach Lee outlines various strategies for getting into an ex's head, such as giving them the breakup, controlling momentum, and showing reserve. These strategies are intended to manipulate the emotional dynamics post-breakup to potentially lead to reconciliation.

Highlights

Giving your ex the breakup can disrupt their expectation of you chasing them.

When your ex breaks up with you, they may feel more attractive and expect you to pursue them.

Allowing your ex space after the breakup can lead to reflection and a change in their perception.

Controlling the momentum by not chasing your ex can prevent appearing obsessive or unstable.

When your ex shows interest after the breakup, maintain reserve to keep them invested.

Avoid showing anger as it reveals emotional vulnerability and pain to your ex.

Displaying emotional strength by not being angry can make you more attractive to your ex.

Don't take on the responsibility of fixing the relationship; it's your ex's task if they broke it off.

Allow your ex to do the work of reconciliation to ensure they are genuinely interested.

Don't rush the process of getting back together; taking it slow can increase your ex's attraction.

Show willingness but maintain a 'one day at a time' approach to rebuild the relationship.

Coach Lee suggests using subtleties and discipline in your communication with your ex.

The importance of not giving your ex the satisfaction of seeing you hurt or angry post-breakup.

Coach Lee's advice on how to handle when your ex reaches out and expresses missing you.

The psychological impact of showing no anger and maintaining a positive outlook after a breakup.

Strategic tips on how to respond when your ex tries to test the waters for reconciliation.

Coach Lee's final advice on not rushing into a reunion to ensure a genuine reconnection.

Transcripts

this is coach lee and i'm going to share

with you five ways to get into your ex's

head if you've seen many of my videos

this first way might be something you've

already heard but listen through it get

some repetition and then the others will

probably be new or at least a different

twist the first thing to do to get into

your ex's head is to give them the

breakup because when they break up with

you

they are on a high horse of attraction

where they feel more attractive than you

they don't want to hurt you but they do

feel like they're better off without you

and that you are less attractive and of

course just the very definition of

attraction means that there's a pull

between the two they don't feel pulled

to you as much so they assume that they

are more attractive than you now it's

not some sort of wicked thing that they

feel where they don't care about you or

they see themselves as way above you and

they're arrogant and you don't deserve

to live or something like that but it is

a feeling where they feel like

that they are more attractive than you

and that's why they're breaking up with

you that's why they are dismissing you

and so they expect you

to really

chase to fight to beg to plead to do all

these things because that's what someone

who is not as attractive would do when

they are overwhelmed with this other

person's sexiness and good looks and

emotional intelligence and all these

things that we're attracted to if this

other person is chasing

after it that's to be expected that's

normal and so that's basically what they

expect it may take them a few days

to kind of start to think about what

they expected because sometimes people

are surprised at how someone who's being

broken up with will become emotional

because they weren't expecting it that's

probably because they haven't thought

too much about your reaction and they

just think they've got to get it over

with and they're hoping things will go

smoothly but what you want is for them

to be able to get a few days of

reflection sometimes it takes that

because they're really focused on just

getting the breakup over with because

it's a difficult awkward thing they

don't want to hurt you they just kind of

want to be able to move on and feel like

that you're not hurt but then the more

they think about it

maybe they kind of want you to be hurt a

little bit because it makes them feel

like they are just super duper

lust-worthy and attractive and that

hurts you that you've lost them now that

doesn't mean they want you to hurt but

they do kind of get an ego stroke if you

are and so if you actually give them the

breakup and you don't try to talk them

out of it or fight

then

it really throws a monkey wrench into

the operations in their mind because

they assume since they're the ones

breaking up with you that they are more

attractive and so you should be chasing

you should be acting like someone in the

place of being less attractive less

desirable and a lot of you who are

watching probably didn't do that you

might have begged and pleaded and i

understand so what you can do is you can

start right now give them the breakup

from this moment forward you will give

them the breakup now i don't suggest you

reach out and say i'm giving you the

breakup show them

talk is cheap actions are not

so just

stop stop the pursuit

stop the chasing give them the breakup

so that's number one on how you can get

on your ex's head take a quick second

and subscribe to this channel so you can

be notified when i have more videos like

this one the second way that i'm going

to share for you to get in your ex's

head is to

control the momentum

and what i mean by that is is that when

your ex starts to run away which is what

they're doing when they break up with

you they are running in the other

direction if you chase

what happens

if you've seen my other videos you know

that i have said this before if you

chase them then they have motivation to

run faster and to run further because

you are still there chasing you need to

allow them and of course we're speaking

figuratively here but allow them to get

far enough away that they turn around

and you're not there so they stop

running because what happens if you keep

chasing you look obsessed

you look maybe even mentally unstable

and so they keep trying to get further

away and they even feel like i've been

trying for days i've been trying for

weeks they won't let me go it will even

seem selfish because it's like they're

saying i want this breakup but you don't

and so you think that you should just

get what you want and i shouldn't get

what i want that's what they kind of

think and feel in the situation and so

you've got to let the momentum go

to where it stops it's like a ball and

it just rolls its energy out but if you

keep chasing

that ball

will keep rolling further and further

away and it's more difficult so cut your

losses right now stop chasing now that

also applies in the other direction when

your ex starts making moves back to you

you actually want it to work

in the other direction and that i've

told you to stop so that their momentum

will stop going the other way now i'm

telling you

don't stop in the other direction and

what i mean by that is this when they

reach out when they want to see you

if they start asking do you want me back

do you miss me those kinds of things now

you can't just say no i don't miss you

because they probably won't believe that

it'll seem ridiculous

you'll seem like a jerk they won't think

that you're a genuine person in this

they'll think you're trying to game them

and that can actually be very

unattractive because it makes it look

like you really want them back or that

you're just trying to play little games

and they might think you know i don't

have time for this i've seen it fail a

lot so just trust me don't be a liar

and don't say things that are like over

the top

but if they start moving towards you

let them keep coming so for example if

they reach out to you and they say you

know

i miss you and i'm kind of reconsidering

the breakup what do you think

see that's

bait on a hook

they want to re-hook you

so that their ego feels nice

and taken care of and warm

and so they want you to basically say

you are so attractive of course you

could still get me back of course

none of my feelings for you have changed

i still want you back

you probably feel that and you probably

want to say that to them and i'm not

saying you lie but what i am saying is

that you treat it like you would if you

were on a diet

or if you are responding to someone who

has emotionally abused you

you may care very much for them but your

actions and your statements should be

guarded and reserved so for example with

a diet people joke about me talking

about how i like snickers bars in some

videos they don't pay me to say that i

just like snickers but i don't eat many

of them at all as a matter of fact i

can't remember when i've had one because

i'm trying to stay low with my carbs

and so

i could say well

i want it

and so if i'm being genuine i would eat

a snickers bar it's not true i'm showing

discipline because just because you want

something and it feels good in that

moment doesn't mean that's the moment

for it and so you will get an

opportunity to say this but it's not

time yet because it will mess things up

so when you get that first reach out

where they're asking

if you miss them if you want to get back

together now if they ask if you missed

them you will probably have to say

something like

it can be tough sometimes or yeah i've

been wondering what you're up to

something kind of casual but

i have had people get coaching calls

with me or coaches on my staff

and they've said that when their ex has

said this that they say things like

terribly every day i'm in agony and you

may feel that but you can't tell them

that because it reassures them it stops

their momentum you basically just hold

your hands up and you stop them like a

brick wall because you've given them

everything they wanted there's nothing

for them to do

except say let's get back together

sometimes it happens

but usually that's when relationships

fade back out is because you stop their

momentum too soon you want to allow it

to keep moving so for example you want

to show reserve and you might say

something if they were to say they want

to get back together you could say

i'm open to that but i just want to take

it one day at a time and they may even

respond with anger because they want to

feel like they didn't mess it up with

you

you cannot give them all of that it's an

art

of subtleties

you give them a little enough to keep

them moving forward like a carrot on a

stick there's no carrot on the stick

they won't keep moving

but if you just give them the carrot

they won't keep moving either so you

need to keep backing up with the carrot

so you are showing reserve

that you're not real sure about them

because you value yourself just like you

value them or at least

you did value them but their value has

fallen in your eyes in some degree and

you're not sure about them because it

was actually something that turned you

off a little bit it was unattractive of

them to break up with you

you see if we go back to what i was

talking about before to that totem pole

of attraction where they felt more

attractive than you

you are putting them back in their place

which is not beneath you

in terms of talking about attraction but

it's in front of you as equals who are

equally attracted to each other but they

have a ways to go yet and that's why you

show reserve and you say things like i'm

willing

i'm open to the idea but i want to take

it one day at a time and even if they

get upset just say i understand but you

have to understand

where i'm coming from and i'm wanting to

just take this one day at a time i'm not

wanting to do anything quickly right now

they won't like it

now they may say that's fine and

everything but they wished

you would just

help them out here show them that they

didn't lose you show them that it would

be easy for them to get you back you get

the idea be a master

of momentum to get in your ex's head

before i get to the third wave how to

get in your ex's head get some more

information on my emergency breakup kit

i'll link to it in the description below

it's a culmination of my 20 years in the

relationship coaching service it can

guide you to get your ex back so take a

look get information in that link in the

description below about my emergency

breakup kit so the third way that you

can get in your ex's head is don't be

angry now stay with me this is more

complex than you think but if you're

angry first of all anger shows

incredible pain anger is almost always

the hard scab on top of soft vulnerable

pain

and people instinctively know that they

know that they have gotten to you that

what they did really got to you

and even though that's the case at the

moment again you're showing the

discipline i have to show when i see

that snickers bar

and i say

no

not gonna do it

do i want the snickers bar sure that

doesn't change the fact that i don't

pick it up and i don't eat it i don't

buy it does not mean i don't like the

way that it tastes

i do

but i'm showing discipline because in

the moment

it's not good for me

and in the moment

you

showing anger and showing

all the emotions you felt from this

breakup is not good for you and it's not

good for this relationship that you're

hoping to get back

so it would be best if you would

actually act like

that the breakup didn't really affect

you that much that it didn't hurt it

didn't make you angry that you're all

right now that's more of a projection

and it's okay you're not being dishonest

but you are showing discipline because

you cannot

just show this to them right now

they don't deserve to see it they're not

intimate

in your life anymore they don't deserve

the details of your emotions

and so don't show them and the reason

also that you don't want to be angry is

that you live a great life and people

who live a great life who are attractive

they don't need to show anger they're

not angry they're having a good time

they've got relationships and

friendships and things going in their

life and so they don't have to be angry

and so if you show your ex you're not

angry it shows incredible emotional

strength plus your ex didn't do this

because they're a bad person now they

might be a bad person

but just because of the fact that they

broke up with you that doesn't mean

by itself

that your ex is a bad person and so

being mad at them

is maybe not the correct emotion now it

depends on your situation

but

anger

when they think that

they want something else that it's not

working that they need something else

it's not really the right emotion now

you may feel it and that's normal and

natural but just because we feel

something does not mean that it's

deserved

and again your situation

could be entirely different and that

your ex could be a total jerk

and they deserve your anger but it could

just simply be that they felt they

needed something else that it wasn't

working between you two then that the

feelings were not coming back and that

they had a future without you and that's

not something that they did

intentionally to hurt you or to cause

harm so so it's not necessarily the

right response anyway but you don't want

to show them anger because just like

with the previous point that i mentioned

it will actually hurt that momentum it

will show them that they really affected

you

and that they could have you back at any

moment plus they want to be around you

if you're angry they'll feel that

they're being punished it will be a

negative for them and so you actually

start them running in the other

direction again

so let's get to the next point a fourth

way of getting into your ex's head is

that you don't fix it for them and what

i mean by that is is that sometimes they

will want you to do the work of getting

the two of you back together so they

won't say those things like i want to

get back together so in the other point

i mentioned that they would say that

sometimes and that you should say you

know

i'm open to that but i want to take

things slowly

but sometimes they won't say that but

they'll say things and they'll be around

you they'll text they'll call they'll

come up to you and you can almost tell

that they're expecting you to say

something or they're testing the waters

and they're trying to see if you'll just

take care of it for them if you'll do

the hard part if you'll be the one to

stick your neck out and take the chance

and ask them if they want to get back

together and again that's the action of

someone who thinks they're more

attractive than you because if you two

were equally attractive they would

realize that

they are the one who broke up with you

so it's their place to fix what they

broke not yours

but if they think they're more

attractive than you then they will think

well you should just take care of it you

should be the one to say something you

should be the one to make me feel super

attractive and pursue me and make the

move on me

and try to get me back and talk to me

and try to glue the pieces back together

don't do that for them it's their mess

they broke you up they should put the

two of you back together and if they

aren't willing to do the work then they

are not ready

and they're not moving towards you

enough and too much of it is ego even if

they don't realize it in the moment

because sometimes you know how i talk

about my videos that what you feel

is a combination of love and loss and

sometimes we don't realize that a lot of

it is the feeling of loss when they

start feeling loss sometimes they will

act

to simply feel they didn't lose you that

they could get you back

and there's not enough love

and so that results in a short term

reunion where it fades back out and you

don't want that

and i'm talking very short term usually

just a few days you don't want that even

though right now you may think you'll

take them back however you can get them

i've talked to enough of you and coach

ken of my staff has talked to enough of

you and coach rex on my staff has talked

to enough of you to know

you don't want that

because you will be crushed to think

that you got them back only to lose them

in a few days because

you weren't disciplined enough after

hearing what i've got to say about this

so

don't fix it for them let them do the

work of that

now that doesn't mean that you don't

suggest hey let's get coffee if they

keep reaching out to you

and maybe they're being a little flirty

maybe some things are just obvious and

you're going to be around to where they

live where they work or you two see each

other

daily or regularly or something like

that you know saying hey you want to

grab coffee sometime especially if it's

been a little bit of time and they do

keep reaching out and you two do keep

talking and they just haven't done that

part you can do that part because

sometimes they just want to see if

they're going to look like a complete

idiot if they try to ask you if you want

to get back together they want to kind

of know a little bit and so sometimes

for some people that can be that carried

on a stick and then when you get them

face to face

they should be the one to say that now

what you can also do in that situation

and i talk about this more in my

emergency breakup kit is you can kind of

start getting into that role of being a

couple without having that conversation

and without putting the label back on it

and that's pretty interesting and like i

said i talk about that in the emergency

breakup kit or one of my coaches can

talk to you about that in a coaching

call and you can reach out to me on

instagram at real coach lee

real coach lee on instagram watch out

for impersonators but if you reach out

to me there i can get you in touch with

one of my coaches and you can book a

coaching call depending on if you're

done with a breakup or anxiety the

number five way to get in your ex's head

is don't rush

because again this deals with a lot of

attraction

details because like i've talked about a

breakup is where attraction has fallen

for you and so they figure if you are

more attracted to them if you were the

one in the smaller in the lesser

position of attraction then you would be

rushing and desperate to get them back

you'll be doing whatever but when you

show that you're not going to rush that

you will take your time you will say

things like

i'm willing i'm open but i want to take

it one day at a time and you won't just

jump right back into it

that will get in their head it's a

powerful thing don't rush take it one

day at a time take it one second at a

time if you possibly can

it's an attractive thing and it will

help you get your ex back

this has been coach lee

thank you for watching