Victim in Drama Triangle with Abuser, Savior: Karpman's Drama Triangle

Summary

The script delves into the concept of the 'Drama Triangle,' a social model illustrating destructive interactions in conflicts. It features three roles: the oppressor, the victim, and the rescuer. The video explains how individuals can shift between these roles, often leading to codependency and perpetuating negative behaviors. It also touches on the idea of 'learned helplessness' and the importance of personal responsibility and self-efficacy in overcoming victimhood and breaking free from destructive cycles.

Takeaways

• 🔺 The 'Drama Triangle' is a social model that maps destructive interactions in conflicts, consisting of three roles: the Persecutor, the Victim, and the Rescuer.
• 🎭 Stephen Karpman, an actor and psychologist, developed the Drama Triangle concept, emphasizing that the roles are performative rather than fixed identities.
• 👥 The roles within the Drama Triangle can shift, with individuals potentially moving between Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer, often in a destructive manner.
• 🚫 The Victim role is characterized by feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and a constant sense of being oppressed or persecuted.
• 🆘 The Rescuer role is often enabled by the Victim and can lead to codependency, where the Rescuer's need to help perpetuates the Victim's state of helplessness.
• 🚨 The Persecutor role can manifest as controlling, blaming, and oppressive behavior, often stemming from narcissistic tendencies.
• 🔄 The dynamics within the Drama Triangle are cyclical and can perpetuate conflict without resolution, as each role reinforces the others' existence.
• 💔 The concept of 'Victim Playing' is distinguished from being an authentic victim; it involves manipulative behavior to gain sympathy or avoid responsibility.
• 📚 Transactional Analysis, a form of psychotherapy, is mentioned as a tool to understand and potentially disrupt the Drama Triangle's harmful patterns.
• 🛑 Learned helplessness, a state of perceived powerlessness, is linked to depression and can result from continuous negative experiences, such as abuse.

Q & A

What is the Drama Triangle?

The Drama Triangle is a social model of destructive interactions among people in conflict, consisting of three roles: the Persecutor, the Victim, and the Rescuer. It was developed by Stephen Karpman, who was influenced by transactional analysis.

How does the Drama Triangle relate to personal responsibility?

The Drama Triangle connects personal responsibility and power in conflict situations. It suggests that individuals are playing roles, often without acknowledging a broader dysfunction, which can impede personal growth and accountability.

What is the role of the Victim in the Drama Triangle?

The Victim in the Drama Triangle feels and acts like a victim, often perceiving themselves as oppressed, helpless, and powerless. They may seek out a Persecutor and a Rescuer to maintain the dynamic of the triangle.

Can roles within the Drama Triangle change?

Yes, roles within the Drama Triangle can shift suddenly. For example, a Victim may become a Persecutor, or a Rescuer may turn into a Persecutor. These shifts are often part of the destructive cycle of the triangle.

What is the role of the Rescuer in the Drama Triangle?

The Rescuer in the Drama Triangle is someone who enables the victim's dependency by offering help and solutions. They may feel guilty if they do not rescue, and their actions can perpetuate the victim's helplessness.

How does the concept of the Drama Triangle connect to family systems theory?

In family systems theory, the Drama Triangle illustrates how individuals can take on emergent roles within a family dynamic, which can lead to destructive patterns of interaction if not addressed.

What is the difference between authentic victims and those playing the victim role?

Authentic victims seek to overcome their situation and stop being victims, while those playing the victim role actively maintain their victimhood because it serves their interests, such as gaining sympathy or avoiding responsibility.

How does learned helplessness relate to the Drama Triangle?

Learned helplessness can be a result of persistent victimhood within the Drama Triangle, where an individual comes to expect negative outcomes and perceives themselves as powerless to change their situation.

What is the fundamental attribution error as it pertains to the Drama Triangle?

The fundamental attribution error in the context of the Drama Triangle is the tendency to attribute the negative behaviors of others to their inherent characteristics while attributing one's own negative behaviors to situational factors.

How can one break free from the Drama Triangle?

Breaking free from the Drama Triangle involves recognizing one's role in it, taking personal responsibility, and making conscious choices to change destructive patterns. This may include therapy, self-reflection, and setting boundaries.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 Introduction to the Drama Triangle

The paragraph introduces the concept of the 'drama triangle,' a social model of human interaction that illustrates destructive patterns in conflict. It consists of three roles: oppressors (persecutors), victims, and rescuers (saviors). The model is attributed to Stephen Karpman, who emphasized that roles are not fixed but are 'acted' by individuals. The paragraph also mentions the importance of personal responsibility in conflict situations and the idea that these roles can shift, often leading to further conflict.

05:00

🎭 The Roles Within the Drama Triangle

This section delves deeper into the roles of the drama triangle. It explains that victims actively seek out persecutors and rescuers to maintain their role within the triangle, a process known as projective identification. The paragraph discusses how rescuers, despite appearing helpful, can hinder personal growth and maintain a victim's dependency. It also touches on the psychological motivations and consequences of playing the roles of rescuer and persecutor.

10:02

🔁 The Fluidity and Dysfunction of the Drama Triangle

The fluidity of roles within the drama triangle is explored here, with examples of how roles can shift and the triangle can perpetuate itself. The paragraph discusses how each role seeks to involve others to maintain the triangle's dynamic. It also highlights the psychological needs that the drama triangle fulfills for each participant, often at the cost of broader dysfunction and the exacerbation of mental health issues.

15:03

🧩 The Origin and Impact of the Drama Triangle

This paragraph discusses the origins of the drama triangle concept, linking it to family systems theory and the work of Eric Berne. It also touches on the idea of triangulation as a broader concept in psychology, introduced by Marie Bowen, which explains how引入第三方可以缓解紧张关系。The paragraph emphasizes the potential for both constructive and destructive triangles and the importance of understanding one's role in conflict.

20:04

🔮 Bowen's Theory of Triangulation

The paragraph focuses on Bowen's theory of triangulation, explaining how it functions as a mechanism to reduce tension in relationships by involving third parties. It discusses the dynamics of how a third party can provide stability and balance to a relationship under stress, and how this process can be both constructive and destructive, depending on the nature of the triangle formed.

25:06

🚫 The Dark Side of Triangulation: Pathological Triangles

This section contrasts the constructive view of triangulation with the concept of pathological triangles, where destructive patterns emerge. It introduces the work of Nathan Ackerman, who identified specific roles within these triangles that lead to harmful family dynamics. The paragraph also distinguishes between authentic victims and those who play the victim role in bad faith.

30:07

🤔 The Psychology of Victim Playing

The paragraph examines the concept of 'victim playing,' where individuals adopt the victim role to manipulate others or justify their own abusive behavior. It discusses the psychological mechanisms behind this behavior, including the seeking of attention and the avoidance of responsibility. The paragraph also touches on the role of external observers in reinforcing or challenging victim playing.

35:08

🧲 The Appeal and Dangers of Victim Playing

This section delves into the appeal of victim playing as a strategy for gaining sympathy and avoiding responsibility. It outlines the dangers of this approach, including the potential for固化受害者身份 and the associated risks to mental health. The paragraph also discusses the role of external 'rescuers' in enabling victim playing and the importance of challenging this dynamic.

40:10

🔓 Breaking Free from Victimhood

The paragraph discusses the process of breaking free from the victim mentality, emphasizing the importance of recognizing one's own power and capacity to effect change. It touches on the psychological concepts of self-efficacy and learned helplessness, and how overcoming a victim mindset involves learning to take responsibility and control over one's life.

45:11

📉 The Downward Spiral of Learned Helplessness

This section explores the concept of learned helplessness, its connection to depression, and the impact of perceived control on mental health. It discusses the findings from experiments on helplessness and the importance of believing in one's ability to influence outcomes. The paragraph also addresses the role of attributional style in shaping an individual's experience of helplessness and victimhood.

50:12

🔄 The Attributional Style and Its Impact on Victimhood

The paragraph delves into the attributional style, explaining how individuals' tendencies to attribute events to internal or external factors can influence their experience of victimhood. It discusses the concept of the fundamental attribution error and how it can lead to victim blaming. The section also touches on the just world hypothesis and its psychological implications for understanding and reacting to victimhood.

55:13

🔮 The Just World Phenomenon and Its Psychological Effects

This section discusses the just world phenomenon, which is the belief that people get what they deserve and deserve what they get. It explains how this belief can lead to victim blaming and how it serves as a psychological defense mechanism to protect one's sense of control and security. The paragraph also addresses the dangers of this mindset, including its potential to contribute to depression and mental illness.

Keywords

💡Drama Triangle

The Drama Triangle is a social model that describes a pattern of destructive interactions among people in conflict. It consists of three roles: the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer. The concept is central to the video's theme as it is used to explain how individuals can get stuck in unhealthy relational dynamics. The video discusses how these roles can shift and how they perpetuate conflict without resolution, illustrating the Drama Triangle through various examples, including interpersonal relationships and societal interactions.

💡Victim

A 'Victim' in the context of the Drama Triangle is an individual who feels and acts like a victim, often seeking out a Persecutor and a Rescuer to complete the triangle. The video emphasizes that the victim is not a helpless entity but rather someone who actively participates in their role, which can impede personal growth and perpetuate a cycle of abuse. The script provides examples of how victims can project their needs onto others and seek to maintain their victim status even when it is not warranted.

💡Persecutor

The 'Persecutor' is one of the three roles in the Drama Triangle and represents the oppressor or the one who is seen as causing harm or conflict. The video explains that the Persecutor is not just someone who is abusive but also someone who can be perceived as such by the Victim. The script uses the Persecutor to illustrate how blame and responsibility are often shifted in abusive relationships, and how this role can be assumed by different individuals within the triangle.

💡Rescuer

The 'Rescuer' is another pivotal role in the Drama Triangle, characterized by someone who comes to the aid of the Victim. The video argues that while the Rescuer may seem altruistic, they often have hidden motives and can actually perpetuate the Victim's problems by not allowing them to face the consequences of their choices. The script provides insights into how Rescuers can be driven by a need for control and validation, and how this can be detrimental to the Victim's healing process.

💡Triangulation

Triangulation, as discussed in the video, is a process where a third party is introduced into a two-party system to alleviate tension or stress. It is a broader concept that includes the Drama Triangle but is not limited to it. The video explains how triangulation can be both constructive and destructive, depending on the dynamics and the intentions of the individuals involved. The script uses triangulation to discuss how people often seek external validation or assistance to manage internal conflicts.

💡Transactional Analysis

Transactional Analysis is a form of psychotherapy mentioned in the video, developed by Eric Berne, who is also credited with coining the term 'Games People Play.' The video references Transactional Analysis to explain how individuals communicate and interact within their social and personal contexts. It is used to provide a framework for understanding the psychological underpinnings of the roles people take on in the Drama Triangle.

💡Narcissism

Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy for others. In the video, narcissism is linked to the roles within the Drama Triangle, particularly the Persecutor, and is discussed as a factor that can lead to abusive dynamics and maintain the cycle of the triangle. The script uses narcissism to illustrate how individuals with this trait can manipulate and control others, thus perpetuating their roles within the triangle.

💡Learned Helplessness

Learned Helplessness is a psychological condition where an individual feels powerless to change their circumstances, even when they are not actually helpless. The video discusses how this concept is relevant to the Victim role in the Drama Triangle, as victims may internalize their powerlessness and believe they cannot escape their situation. The script provides examples of how learned helplessness can lead to depression and other mental health issues if not addressed.

💡Personal Responsibility

Personal Responsibility is a central theme in the video, emphasizing the importance of individuals taking charge of their actions and reactions within relationships and conflicts. The video argues against the Victim mentality by promoting the idea that individuals have the power to change their circumstances and should not solely rely on external rescuers. The script uses personal responsibility as a counter-narrative to the passive role often associated with victims.

💡Attributional Style

Attributional Style refers to the way individuals explain the causes of events or behaviors. The video discusses how a pessimistic or negative attributional style can lead to learned helplessness and depression. It contrasts this with a more optimistic and empowering style that can help individuals recognize their agency and ability to influence their circumstances. The script uses the concept to explain why some people remain stuck in the Victim role within the Drama Triangle.

Highlights

The concept of the 'drama triangle' is introduced as a social model of destructive human interaction.

The drama triangle consists of three roles: oppressors, victims, and rescuers.

The model suggests that individuals act out roles rather than being static identities.

The 'victim' in the drama triangle is someone who feels and acts like a victim, rather than an actual victim.

The role of 'rescuer' is described as potentially harmful as it can keep the victim in a dependent state.

The 'persecutor' role is characterized by blame, control, and a lack of responsibility.

Roles within the drama triangle can shift, leading to a dynamic and often destructive cycle.

The drama triangle illustrates the connection between personal responsibility, response, and power in conflict.

The concept of 'projective identification' is used by victims to seek out persecutors and rescuers.

The lecture discusses the psychological impact of participating in the drama triangle on all parties involved.

The idea that the drama triangle can be both destructive and constructive is explored.

The concept of 'triangulation' by Marie Bowen is introduced as a way to reduce tension in relationships.

Triangulation is presented as a natural process in relationships to involve third parties for tension reduction.

The difference between constructive and destructive triangles is examined.

The role of the family of origin in conditioning individuals to adopt certain roles in the drama triangle is discussed.

The lecture addresses how to break free from the drama triangle by depriving the actors of their payoff.

The concept of 'learned helplessness' and its link to depression is explored, with an emphasis on overcoming it.

The importance of teaching self-efficacy to overcome helplessness and victimhood is highlighted.

The lecture concludes with a discussion on the dangers of self-victimization and the path to empowerment.

Transcripts

today

is the vacant trifecta three strikes

and you're out so i'm out

a proper trifecta and three strikes

are you caught in a drama triangle

vachnin you ask what is a drama triangle

well that's what i'm here for your

favorite professor of psychology

and the author of malignant self-love

narcissism

revisited and revisited and revisited

the karman drama triangle

is a particular case of triangles and

triangulation in general

which we're going to discuss a little

later the drama triangle

is actually a social model and it's a

social model of

any human interaction it maps a type of

destructive interaction

that occurs among people in conflict now

the conflict could be

in an interpersonal relationship could

be in business

could be among friends even technically

among nations

so there are three actors in the drama

which is why triangle

the first class of actors are the

oppressors or the

um persecutors the second class

are victims the third class are rescuers

or saviors and the reason it's called a

drama

triangle is that stephen cartman

who came up with the eponymous cartman

triangle

wasn't actually an actor and he didn't

want to call it a conflict triangle

because it was

you know not new wave enough so he

called it a drama triangle because he

was an actor

and the thing is that in his model

people are acting

it's very important to understand the

victim in his model

is not an actual victim it's someone who

is feeling

like a victim and above all acting

as a victim cartman

clearly believed that people act

they are given roles and these roles are

known in family system theory as

emergent roles they are given rules they

are allocated roles

they are allocated roles by intimate

partners they are allocated roles by

society by friends

by family and then they either accept

these roles

or they reject these roles and once they

accept these roles

they act the roles his first article

stephen cartman's article was titled

fairy tales

and script drama analysis

and he analyzed believe it or not red

little red riding hood as a model of

conflict

reminiscent very much of bruno

bettelheim

who was both a con artist and a

brilliant

lay psychologist cartman

at the time was just a graduate

of duke university and he

he studied under eric byrne eric burn

wrote the seminal book games people

play which i cannot emphasize enough

that you should read

and he is the father of transactional

analysis

which is an extremely powerful form of

psychotherapy

and so they they kind of meshed together

and ben

took the concept of drama triangle and

introduced it into

structural analysis and transactional

analysis what is this drama trial

it's the connection between personal

responsibility

remember my previous lecture where i

kept calling you

to accept personal responsibility for

what's happening to you

so the triangle connects personal

response responsibility

and power in situations of conflict

and the triangle implies that people are

playing roles

and now these roles are shifting they

could shift suddenly

from victim to abuser they could shift

from abuser to rescuer

but usually these shifts are destructive

so we more commonly we discuss

destructive triangles

although in principle there could

definitely be constructive

triangles and so again i remind you

there are three roles in the triangle

there are two up positions persecutor

and rescuer and there's two one down

position the down position is victim and

of course if you organize two ups

and one down you get a triangle an

inverted

triangle what is a victim the victim is

not an

actual victim as i said someone is

feeling and acting like a victim and the

position of the victim in the triangle

is

poor me poor me i'm victimized i am

oppressed

i'm denied my needs i'm helpless i'm

hopeless i'm powerless

i'm ashamed i am unable to make

decisions i'm unable to solve problems

i'm unable to progress with my life

i don't take pleasure in life i'm

unhedonic i don't achieve inside

in short i'm dysphoric and if the victim

is not persecuted

that's bad because the victim has a role

and he is used to being a victim

it's like you were given a script and

then none of the actors showed up

the movie can't go on so what the victim

does

the victim goes and looks for a

persecutor

and this process is called projective

identification

it's when the victim tries to convert

people

for example an intimate partner to act

as an abuser

or to act as a persecutor in order to

preserve

the functioning of the triangle within a

comfort zone

and similarly the victim seeks a rescuer

so victims always seek two functions

persecutor and rescuer a savior

who will save the day but at the same

time

perpetuate the victim's negative

feelings

about himself or herself and the

environment and other people

because if you need if you need saving

if you need to be saved you're in really

really

problematic place the rescuer's line is

let me help you i'm here to help you

it's an enabler a rescuers actually feel

guilty

if they don't go to the rescue but

rescuing is a negative function

not a positive one because it keeps the

victim dependent

it doesn't allow the victim permission

to

experiment to fail to experience

consequences of choices and decisions to

go through

pain and hurt and process them all the

coaches

and self-styled experts online they are

rescuers

there in they enable your victim status

your victim mentality and your victim

stance

and that's exceedingly bad for you as

far as your mental health

and the rewards to the rescuer

are enormous the rewards are enormous

the focus first of all shifts from the

rescuer

to someone else so it's like

by taking over someone else's life

by micromanaging someone else's

decisions

choices um partners

they kind of fend off the need to think

about their own lives

to focus on their own problems and

responsibilities

and chores and functions and roles

it's a defense a rescuer engages in

defensive tactics

he cannot or she cannot actually cope

with her own life

so she's a busy body she takes over

other people's lives

and rescuers and studies

have been shown to have high anxiety and

multiple

mental health issues you're warned when

you find a rescuer online

who who poses as an expert or a coach or

whatever

that's someone with serious mental

health problems and extreme anxiety

and you are the instrument for reducing

this anxiety

you are their new addiction you are

their source of supply the rescue role

is

is pivotal because the actual primary

interest of the

of the rescuer is avoidance of their own

problems

it is disguised as altruism

empathy concern for victims needs but

it's none of the above

and finally there's a role of the

persecutor the villain it's a morality

play remember it's a drama because

cartman was an actor so the the

persecutor of the villain

his line is it's all your fault

alloplastic defenses

it's not my responsibility i did nothing

wrong

i'm either misunderstood or i'm aligned

and conspired against that's the

paranoid posture opposition

the prosecutor the prosecutor is

controlling

he's blaming his critical oppressive

angry authoritarian

rigid and superior in short a typical

persecutor would have very pronounced

narcissistic strings so the drama

triangle arises

when someone takes on the role of a

persecutor

another person takes on the role of a

victim and a third person takes on

the role of a savior and there the drama

unfolds

it's a theater play it's a movie

with three participants to eat drama not

monodrome

and the person each of these three

need wants to enlist others so

collaboration emerges

organically the persecutor also is

searching for a victim and a rescuer

the rescuer is searching for a victim

and a persecutor only when they are

all three of them are within the

triangle they feel whole

they feel whole because they identify

with their roles

they acquire identity through the

functioning

of the triangle studies have shown

that the rescuer is encouraged by both

the victim

and the persecutor to enter the

situation

it's not true that only the victim

enlists the savior

the persecutor has a hand in it too he

sometimes

pushes the victim towards the third

party

and that third party opposes or pretends

to be the

savior and so these players these three

players they take roles of their own and

these roles are not static

and so you could have multiple scenarios

the victim

suddenly can turn on the rescuer and

cast him as a bad guy

and the rescuer then will react by

becoming a persecutor

and then the persecutor will defend the

victim protect the victim and become a

savior

so the roles are in flux all the time

and the reason

the whole situation goes on the reason

the theater play

is never ending in in effect is that

each participant

have unconscious psychological wishes

and needs and the triangle meets

caters to these needs without having to

acknowledge a broader dysfunction

without having to point out the harm and

the damage done

in the situation as the whole and by the

way the damage is not limited to the

victim

the persecutor's mental mental

dysfunctions and mental disorders

are aggravated and amplified within the

triangle

the savior's mental dysfunctions and

disorders the same

everyone is worse off for having

participated

in the destructive triangle each

participant is acting upon

selfish needs each participant is highly

entitled

and narcissistic or egotistic at least

there's no genuine

altruistic response here there's no real

empathy it's all fake fake belief

make belief it's all not real it's all

unreal it's a renown it's renouncing

reality so as as cartman wrote

any character might ordinarily come on

like a plaintiff victim

it is now clear that the one can switch

into the role of persecutor

providing it is accidental and the one

apologizes for it

so victim can actually become an abuser

we call it today overlay

a victim can suddenly adopt the role of

a narcissist or a psychopath

and we know that victims of complex

trauma cptsd

are indistinguishable from borderline

and many of them display

behaviors which are actually the

behaviors of secondary psychopaths

psychopaths with empathy and emotion so

victims can and do become abusers within

the triangle

multiply but as opposed to the

persecutor

the victim would say this was an

accident or i was just reacting

that's reactive abuse i had the right to

react

this way the irony is that the

persecutor perceives himself to be the

victim

in the triangle and so he also is likely

to use the very same

arguments the motivations of the rescuer

are the least obvious we know victim

we're not persecuted these are classic

rules

what's the savior doing there why is he

there

he has covert motives he has mixed

motives

his benefits are what we call egoic

benefits

he being the one who rescues caters to

his grandiosity provides him with

narcissistic supply

he has a surface motive and the surface

motivism is trying to resolve the

problem

he is making great efforts to help

everybody

especially the victim but this is facade

this is a veneer it's fake it's fake

it's faint because the real reason

rescuers rescue

and saviors save and coaches and experts

help you

quote unquote is

actually to not save you to not rescue

you

to not succeed they they need to

perpetuate your victimhood status

because this caters to their grandiosity

and they need this they get a

self-esteem boost

uh to be a rescuer

is to to be in a rescue status that's

that's highly dignified

disrespected that's socially commendable

that they derive pride

satisfaction narcissistic supply

enjoyment

they love that people depend on them and

trust them

they love so they act in a way that

looks as though they are empathic and

trying really to help but at a deeper

level

they sabotage you they undermine your

healing

they prevent you from recovering

they don't let you grow up growing up

is only you can grow up only via crisis

and friction with reality and pain

pain is the engine of growth they don't

let you experience this

they shift the blame and the guilt and

everything onto the abuser

and absorb you like the old catholic

church used to do with indulgences

they absorb you from your all your sins

they take away your personal

responsibility they teach you

learned helplessness which is a topic

we're going to discuss

a bit later because they want to

continue to have

their payoff and so the relationship

between the victim and the rescuer

is actually what today we call

codependency

the rescuer keeps the victim dependent

by

encouraging her victimhood the victim

gets their needs met

as well by having the rescuer take care

of them the victim

infantilizes the victim regresses

to a childhood face she becomes a child

totally helpless and it is the savior or

the rescuer

who is there in the parental role

remember the shirt fantasy rescuers and

victims create

shared a shared fantasy very much

a replica of the shared fantasy with the

original abuser

it is therefore a form of narcissistic

abuse

and so people who participate in the

triangle

have a primary role let's call it a role

of habit

habitual role so they are either victims

usually

rescuers typically persecutors glad

gleefully when they enter the triangle

but

they they start with the habitual roles

because their habitual roles

are roles that they had studied as

children

in the family of origin they were

parentified so they become rescuers

they were rejected and ignored by a dead

mother

so they become victims or they become

persecutors

the family of origin conditions

the person teaches the person the

emergent role

in adulthood and this is the imagined

role that the adult brings into

the drama triangle and participants

each have a role that's very true they

identify with this role they usually

enact

this role but once you are in the

triangle the triangle has a life of its

own

it's like the bermuda triangle you

vanish

and you have a life of your and that

triangle has a life of his own in the

triangle

rotates you and before you know it you

find yourself a persecutor

and before you know it as a persecutor

you find yourself saving the victim

from the alleged savior who had become a

persecutor

are it's rotation each triangle is a

payoff

for the people playing inside the

triangle and

how to emerge from this triangle because

this triangle is is a it's just a giant

sucking sound you know

how to how to get rid of this uh

triangle is a good way of describing

trauma bonding for example so how do you

get rid of it

you deprive the actors of the payoff

and we will discuss it a bit later you

prevent them from getting any

payoff you don't give narcissistic

supply to the rescuer

you don't you don't um automatically

accept

the victimhood stunts and victim

mentality of the victim

and you punish or you incentivize the

persecutor to stop persecuting you take

the payoff away

you empower for example the victim the

persecutor

doesn't have power anymore so because

persecutors are addicted to power

to having power it's a power play like

in rape

now the kartman triangle is

one of many triangles there's a theory

of triangulation

it was first published in 1966 by marie

bowen

b-o-w-n and it's part of his family

systems theory

which to my mind is the most powerful

theory

of what's happening inside your head

most powerful theory of the mind

in in psychology and my favorite

my rebound uh

works mostly with schizophrenics and i

will not go into details now but

schizophrenias give you

a window into the mind that no other

mental disorder

can provide with the exception perhaps

of narcissists and borderlines

and that's why perhaps kernberg thought

that narcissists borderlines and

psychotics are one and the same almost

anyhow bowen came up with the concept of

triangulation

here is what he said originally

triangulation

is a process whereby a two-party

relationship that is experiencing

tension

will naturally involve third parties to

reduce

this tension so when people find

themselves in conflict

they reach out to someone else you know

you have a fight with your wife she goes

to her mother

uh you're in a fight with your wife your

brother butts him

you have to fight with your wife she

picks up another man in your face

so these are all forms of triangulation

introducing a third person

to regulate the environment of the diet

dyad

the environment of the couple and the

resulting triangle

actually is very functional and much

more comfortable than the original diet

the original couple

because it can contain much more tension

why because the tension is shifted

so even in case of cheating amazingly

actually cheating which is classic

triangulation it's introducing

a third intimate partner into what

should have been

an exclusive relationship even there

there are improvements in anxiety

tension and inter-intercoupled conflict

that's why many many men joke that their

cheating wives are much more easy to get

to get along with so

triangulation reduces anxiety

tension and increases enhances the

functioning

of the original couple strangely

so he bowen suggested

two concepts one is differentiation

and one is triangles and he said he used

the word triangle

and not triad because he said the

triangles

are integral part of relationships

even relationships of two people couples

so if you leave a couple to evolve

most couples oscillate between closeness

and distance

approach and avoidance these are minor

oscillations if one of the members of a

couple is a narcissist

or if he has any mental health issue

especially cluster b personality

disorders

the approach avoidance will be extreme

but approach avoidance

is a repetition compulsion feature of

most couples

we all feel suffocated at times and

withdraw

and avoid and we all feel the need for

intimacy and love and compassion

and being held and so we approach this

is

an integral part of the dynamics of of

any couple

and so this creates

imbalances and sometimes most of the

time the imbalances can be resolved

internally

especially if there is good

communication but sometimes they cannot

and then the only solution is to

introduce a third party

now the third party could be a family

member third party could be a couple

therapist

marital therapist but the third party

could be a lover

the third party could be someone to

flirt with

any third party actually brings brings

forward some resolution of the conflict

some resolution of the approach

avoidance now the resolution could be

a dissolution of the couple if the

couple is sufficiently dysfunctional

it causes harm to its members it's

better to dissolve it

and sometimes the trigger the push

necessary to dissolve it

is the introduction of a third party but

that's a positive development

not a negative development because

exiting a dysfunctional couple

exiting a dysfunctional diet where

there's a lot of tension

a lot of depression a lot of negative

emotionality and effectivity

what's wrong with it it's a good thing

and very often love affairs are the

bridges

to the dissolution of such couples which

are not good

not healthy and should be dissolved

so in general triangulation is actually

a good thing again

again again contradicting everything you

hear online from one of the experts and

self-styled experts bowen introduced it

as a good

as a good concept and so he said that to

stabilize the relationship the couple

often seek

the aid of a third party to help

re-establish closeness a triangle is the

smallest possible relationship system

that can restore balance in times of

stress

the third person assumes an outside

position even if he is a lover

it's still an outside position the

couple is primary

it has primacy and so even the lover

defers to the couple

if push comes to shot the lover walks

away the couple remains

when the stress the outside position is

very comfortable

and very desired position very

gratifying

the inside position has the anxiety the

inside position has the tension

the fights are between the members of

the couple

the lover or the outsider or the

therapist or the friend or the family

they benefit they benefit because

they're in position of a sage

of a guru they enjoy sex they i mean

they get the benefits

friends with benefits the all the

all the hard work goes on inside inside

the couple

and there but this is exactly

what generates the emotional closeness

that restores the couple

the outsider serves to preserve the

inside couple's relationship

bowen said that not all triangles are

constructive some are destructive but

most triangles are actually constructive

here's another new thing you're learning

triangulation is healthy what about

abusers narcissists psychopaths

run of the run-of-the-mill abusers

what about them well they tend to create

pathological or perverse

triangles nathan eckerman

in 1968 described a destructive triangle

and he wrote we observe certain

constellations of family interactions

which we have epitomized as the pattern

of family interdependence

roles those of destroyer or persecutor

the victim of the scapegoating attack

and the family healer or the family

doctor and so ackermann recognized the

pattern of attack

defense counter-attack as shifting roles

within a destructive or pathological

um the triangle

okay i said that cartman

and even i would say bowen and akerman

they all think that the victim is an act

it's

you're acting the role of a victim

tomorrow you can act the role of an

abuser

easily the decision is yours

the switch is possible totally it's 100

your decision your victim in other words

it is implied but not

said because it's politically incorrect

and it's taboo and you're not supposed

to say this

but the victim chooses to be a victim

the victim chooses her role in the

triangle she could easily shift

so what's the difference between this

and victim playing

we discussed victim blaming in the

previous video

this is not about victim blame it's

about understanding the intricacies

of being a victim the existential state

of victimhood

so what's the difference between cartman

bowen

ackerman the triangle and what is called

victim playing or playing the victim

card or

self-victimization the difference is

that

the victim in triangles maintains

reality testing

she usually remembers what had happened

she usually describes more or less

accurately she may exaggerate but there

will be

a kernel of truth to what she say

it will all be reality based

victim playing is the fabrication

lying about abuse exaggeration of

victimhood to the extreme

and this is done to in order to justify

the abuse of others

to manipulate other people as a coping

strategy

because of attention seeking or because

of a wish to

diffuse responsibility to push it away

to pass the back

so victim playing is very common with

abusers actually

abusers play the victim and with victims

who are essentially narcissistic

psychopathic borderline secondary

psychopaths

and they use victimhood to

kind of disguise their contributions and

their responsibility in what had

happened in the abuse

so we have a set of unsavory characters

and our empaths for example they engage

in victim playing

absolutely 100 in victim play it's a

powerful indicator that these people are

covert narcissists

or psychopathic or at the very least

borderline

because they are trying to create a

morality play

and they engage in splitting where

someone is on

bed the abuser and someone is all good

the empath

and they aggrandize themselves in the

process these are strong indications of

narcissistic

pathological narcissistic defenses

victim playing by abusers is done in a

variety of ways

by dehumanizing the victim by diverting

attention

away from acts of abuse by claiming that

the abuse was justified

because of the other person's bad

behavior the victim

made it happen she caused it she

provoked me

she asked for it grooming

abusive power and control by soliciting

sympathy and empathy and romantic

emotions from other people

in order to gain something assistant

access money sex whatever

supporting or enabling the the abuse of

a victim

proxy abused by proxy so

all these are forms of victim plane and

abusers frequently play the victim

and they play the victim for two reasons

first of all

justifications justification even

abusers

need to feel ego syntonic many abusers

have a self-image and self-perception

as good people morally upright people

people who would never harm a fly and so

they need to justify to themselves first

of all

why they had damaged caused pain

and hurt another person and this is

called in transactional analysis

existential validation so many abusers

would victim play in order to feel good

with themselves to justify themselves to

deal with the cognitive dissonance

because there's an inconsistency there's

a contradiction

there's a conflict between the way they

treat other people

and what they believe about themselves

they believe about themselves

they're good people good people don't

abuse

so if good people don't abuse and i'm a

good person i don't abuse

so what i do is not abuse it's something

else

um reactive abuse i've been victimized

i'm just reacting and similarly

victim playing justifies to others

and it's a strategy of avoiding or

evading evading blame and guilt and

shame

deflecting judgment or condemnation

and ultimately deflecting punishment

social punishment or legal punishment

manipulators play the victim role

who is me poor me look what the look

what he's done to me look how he

destroyed my life look you know

this is to play the victim role they

portray themselves as victim

victims of circumstances as victims of

someone else's behavior

that they had no control over could not

have had knowledge of

and could not have predicted or

anticipated

like natural disaster like a virus just

happened to them

they're totally passive they didn't do

anything

they didn't contribute to anything they

are responsible for nothing

they're not adults they're poor and pure

children and so they this way they gain

pity or sympathy empathy compassion

comfort they get something from someone

when you see

victim behavior that is goal oriented

intended to secure

something from you emotional sustenance

narcissistic supply sympathy empathy if

the victim wants

something from you your feedback in some

way shape or form that's victim playing

caring and conscientious people cannot

altruistic people empathic people

cannot stand to see someone suffering

anyone

and so manipulators target such people

they find it easy and rewarding

to play the victim card and that way

they get cooperation

and sympathy and it's highly rewarding

and it's highly successful ryan williams

ryan william um i mean william ryan

wrote the following in 1971 in his book

blaming the victim

uh victim's talent for high drama

draws people to them like moths to a

flame

their permanent dire state brings out

the altruistic motives

in other people it is difficult to

ignore

constant cries for help in most

instances however the help given

is short of or is of short duration

and like moths in a flame helpers

quickly get burned

nothing seems to work to alleviate the

victim's miserable situation

there is no movement for the battle any

efforts

rescuers make are ignored belittled

or met with hostility no wonder that the

rescuers become increasingly frustrated

and

ultimately walk away

jordan peterson has a whole chapter

dedicated

to this in his book twelve rules

okay victim playing is therefore an

attention seeking technique

and for example mitch hausen syndrome is

a form of victim play

it's a strategy to elicit

rescue and being saved and of course

it's a it's a mechanism to obtain a

variety of emotional rewards like

narcissistic supply sympathy empathy

etc etc you

secure feedback

input from their environment and you are

enabled and empowered

via victim playing victim playing

actually empowers and enables people but

in a bad way

in a bad way because it doesn't allow

progress evolution

personal growth and development it gets

you stuck in the same place

it's like a one one trick dog one trick

pony

it's the only trick you know i need

something i'll play a victim i need

money i play a victim i need empathy i

play a victim

i need to get rid of my husband i play a

victim you know i play victim it's the

only thing i know how to do

and the language of playing playing the

victim

is all over i mean you can find it in

corporate settings

you can find it in in

when you when you interact with your

children it's a boundary issue

it's a boundary issue because the victim

invades

breaches and violates your boundaries in

many many ways it's she's

the typical victim is very dis-empathic

she lacks empathy

she watched the previous lecture and is

very demanding

very clinging and very needy and it's a

bit of a dishonest

strategy means it elicits an empowering

response

but the victim is not seeking to be

empowered

on the very contrary the victim wants

you to perpetuate her state

as a victim because it gets you to do

things for her

okay transactional

analysis distinguishes real victims from

people who had

adopted the role of victim in bad faith

authenticity versus bad faith that's an

existentialist approach

jean-paul sartre so there are authentic

victims

and they're bad faith victims what's the

difference between the two

authentic victims want to stop being

victims

they dedicate all their energy all their

thoughts

everything to leverage their capacities

to improve their situation and stop

being a victim bad faith victims

also leverage all their capacities on

all their resources

in order to remain victims because

victimhood

works for them and you will always find

any number of unscrupulous gurus coaches

and experts

who will help you to remain a bad faith

victim

will help you to to get stuck in your

victimhood stunts

because it pays it's profitable

and so among the most predictable

interpersonal games described by eric

byrne

he he described the game a more

common among victim players

and he said so eric burns has a book

called games people play where he

describes

games he he casts recasts

reframes reformulates interpersonal

relationships as games

and one of the games is victim plane and

he said this game

revolves around the sentence look how

hard i've tried

look how hard i've tried and i'm still a

victim

the psychiatrist r.d ling

who was an iconoclastic figure

in the 60s and 70s he said it will be

difficult in practice to determine

whether or not

or to what extent a relationship is

collusive

where one person is predominantly the

passive victim

by consent and when there are these

people

are not real victims but merely playing

the victims this is

almost impossible just by observing and

analyzing

we can't really tell if someone is an

authentic victim or a bad faith victim

you need to observe that person a very

long period of time

and if that person remains a victim for

years or months

something's wrong it's probably a person

who is acting the victim

because to be a victim is gratifying

aggrandizing

functional and guarantees favorable

outcomes

from an empathic altruistic environment

a problem

is even more intense more egregious

once a pattern of victimization has been

internalized

it's kind of double bind when

victim victimhood becomes your identity

becomes who you are

not what you do but who you are it's

like an

actor in a film in a movie

and the actor gets confused and he

thinks suddenly that he is the character

not that he is acting the character but

that he is the character

object relations theory explored

the way that the false self

possesses and creates a permanent sense

of victimization a sense of always being

at the hands of something external

because what is the false self the false

self is not you

it's out there it's an external entity

and you are fully hostage

of that false self from it from the age

of two or four or six or nine

at the maximum you had become

you had been kidnapped by the false self

you had become a hostage

so of course you will naturally evolve

into a victim and adopt a victim

mentality that's why all narcissists

would tell you

that they are victims because they are

victims they are

they self-victimize they surrender

themselves

subjugate themselves to the hands of

this moloch

this idol this god

the false self it's a form of human

sacrifice

they sacrifice the true self to this new

in this form of idolatry and to break

the hold

of the negative complex and to escape

the passivity of victimhood

that that requires to take

responsibility of your

own life your choices your decisions

your desires

your long-term actions and taking

responsibility is very frightening

the existentially starting with

kierkegaard

sartre i mean you name it all the

existentialists will tell you

that angst existential anxiety

is because you have a choice because you

can

choose and why do we why do we elect

dictators why do we give power to

dictators

because together with the power

dictators take away from us

personal responsibility the message of

the dictator is

leave it to me you're no longer

responsible things go bad

it's not your fault you're not to blame

you're not guilty

we want to get rid of personal

responsibility and one of the major ways

we avail ourselves of the burden of

responsibility and angst

is by becoming a victim these victims

are passive

they're not responsible poor me

and this is of course what is known as

learned helplessness

learn helplessness is when someone

endured had endured repeated aversive

stimuli

in other words when someone had been

exposed to very unpleasant situations

time and again and again that's why it's

learned

it's learned because you learn to expect

bad things to happen to you

bad things happen also to good people so

learn hopelessness

is your reaction your fatalistic

reaction your deterministic reaction

your belief that the world will only

meet

out to you give you bad cards that you

will always experience

only bad things that things will never

be right

that you will you will endure only pain

and hurt

and that's what you can expect from your

relationships from your intimate

partners from your children from a

business colleagues from

from the world at large this is learned

helplessness

and until recently we thought that

people accept their powerlessness

they at the beginning they try they

flail about you know they try to escape

they try to change things they try to

avoid

uh unpleasant aversive hurtful and

painful situations

they try everything but if and when

they had failed in everything they had

tried they learned to accept that

they're helpless

and even when we show them that they are

not helpless

that there are other options they have

already learned helplessness

so they want countenance they won't even

consider

our advice they want they would deny

that there are any options any exit

strategies

they are deeply enmeshed mired in

immersed and embedded in helplessness

end of story

they are unable to contemplate any

alternative

and so this is what we had believed

until recently but recently we are

coming to the conclusion

that it is helplessness that is learned

our natural state is a state of

helplessness

so sorry let me uh repeat

lately we have come to the conclusion

that it is helpfulness

that is learned we learn helpfulness

we learn that we can help ourselves we

learn that there are solutions

options exit strategies ways out

this we learn we are born

and we spend the first few years of our

lives helpless

so helplessness is not learned

it's the natural state we need to emerge

from helplessness to emerge from

victimhood

by learning that we can help ourselves

and so in human beings helplessness

is intimately connected with

self-efficacy

the more we learn skills

the more we acquire knowledge the more

efficient we become in obtaining goals

securing favorable outcomes from the

environment from our environment human

environment

natural environment the more efficacious

we are

the less helpless we feel helplessness

and self-efficacy

counterbalance each other the higher

this one is the lower this one is and

vice versa

we are born with helplessness and we

acquire

learned self-efficacy and the

individual's belief

in the innate ability capacity to obtain

goals

is the foundation of self-efficacy

sometimes called itself esteem

or self-confidence it's wrong but it's

close approximation

the more helpless you feel and you are

100 helpless as a victim

let it be clear the message that you are

getting from coaches and experts and

all these con artists crowd of con

artists online

is you're helpless you're a victim

there's nothing you could have done

they teach you helplessness and

over time helplessness always

leads to and resolves in

clinical depression and other mental

illnesses

i want you to understand that you are

risking your mental health

a state of victimhood is a state of

learned helplessness

is a state of incipient depression and

other severe mental illnesses if you

have a real or perceived absence of

control over your life

over the outcomes of situations you want

to die

life is not worth living an external

locus of control is most horrible thing

that can happen to a person that's why

narcissists

in many ways should be pitied because

they have 100

total external locus on control and they

really can't do anything about it

unless they use cold therapy so

recently so this is

a death verdict a psychological death

verdict

american psychologist martin seligman

initiated research on learned

helplessness in 1967

at the university of pennsylvania and he

was actually an expert on depression

he saw so many cases of learned

helplessness and depression that he said

well let's

let's get to grips with it let's study

what this is what this thing is it seems

to be

the core of depression self-victimizing

victimhood and helplessness of the core

of depression

and so he and and later many others mire

others they experimented with dogs and

and these are amazing experiments

i advise you to go online and look for

videos

uh on seligman meyer experiments with

learned helplessness and they reach a

conclusion that there is only one cure

for helplessness zeligman discovered

that

dogs don't try to escape he administered

to them all kinds of sharks and bulldogs

and they didn't try to escape and he

asked himself why the dogs are not

trying to escape

he made it possible for them to escape

they wanted to but they didn't want to

and he asked why they decided to not

escape

why they decided to endure suffering why

they decide in other words when these

dogs

had decided to become victims

and his answer was because they expect

that nothing they

they do will stop the shocks the dogs

lost all self-efficacy

the dog said to himself listen here

there's nothing i can do about this

cruel sadistic human

seligman nothing i can do i have to

sit here in the cage and be electric

electrocuted

i'm at his mercy is my abuser i'm a

victim

i'm a canine victim and i'm sure

that had these dogs live today there

would have been coaches and experts

online catering to their victimhood

status

and so what they the experimenters

tried to teach the dogs to get rid of

learned helplessness so what they did

they took the dogs and they moved their

legs

replicating escape replicating running

away

and gradually the dogs learned

to move their legs and they ran away

so you need to teach victims

and people with learned helplessness you

need to teach them

how to help themselves you don't need to

tell them yes you were victims yes

you're passive

yes you're nobodies yes the abuser uh

you know you you

you couldn't do anything you were

helpless i mean it's the wrong messages

catastrophic messages you need to tell

them of the country

you're strong resilient people you could

have done some things but you

you made the mistake of not doing them

here's what you could have done one two

three

you need to teach help helpfulness

threats don't work rewards don't work

helplessness and victimhood very

addictive

you need rehab victim rehab

where you get rid of your victimhood as

you would get rid of your drinking

or drug addiction and so

there are numerous experiments conducted

later in the 70s 80s 90s

to this very day linking depressive

effects depressive states

with a lack of control or a perceived

lack of control

over abuse and other aversive stimulus

so people for example perform

mental tasks even if they're subjected

to

torturing noise and and pain and so on

they perform mental tasks perfectly if

they believe that they can stop the

noise

if people have a sense of i am

empowered i am strong i'm resilient i

can solve my own problems

i'm in control of myself internal locus

of control

they can endure anything the same

group of people when they were told

there is nothing they can do

about the noise or the pain

[Music]

deteriorated their functioning

deteriorated dramatically

simply being aware that there is an

option there is a way out there is an

exit strategy

was substantially enough to counter

any abuse any torture any pain

any aversive stimulus there was an

animal study not long ago

nine years ago when animals were given

control

over stressful stimuli they were

stressed they were

shocked and other things they were

deprived of food

but when they were given to believe that

they had control over these situations

their whole brain activity changed and

many of them

didn't use the solution humans and

animals

they had options they had exits they had

ways out

and yet they preferred to endure the

torture and the pain

from a position of strength not as

victims they

chose to not avoid the stimuli

animals that lacked control failed to

to act at all

and their brain activity is very

different

so a human's reaction to a lack to

perceived lack of control

is both universal

helplessness victimhood but

with individual idiosyncrasies

so land helplessness is very specific to

individuals and very specific to

situations

it can be sufficiently generalized

but still we need to inspect each case

another reason

why self-styled coaches self-styled

experts and gurus and other forms of

corn artists

are doing you a disservice because they

generalize the victim state

they generalized learned helplessness

and it is

expressly untrue so

the variations between the way we

experience victimhood and learned

helplessness

is that they depend these variations

depend on what we call

attributional or explanatory style

towards the end of the lecture i will

discuss attribution errors

and how they affect helplessness and

victimhood

how someone interprets or explains what

has happened

how someone perceives the abuse refrains

it and

analyzes it understands it it affects

the likelihood of acquiring learned

helplessness

and subsequent depression people with

pessimistic

negativistic explanatory style tend to

see

negative events such as abuse they tend

to see them as permanent

it will never change i will never change

i will keep attracting narcissists they

will keep abusing me it's my fault

i can't do anything correctly so it's

personal it's pervasive it's permanent

and they're likely to suffer from

learned helplessness and depression

there was a scholar by the name of

bernard weiner

w w-e-i-n-e-r and he

he published the most detailed account

of

attributional approach to learned

helplessness

he has an attribution theory and there

he discusses

globality specificity stability

instability internality

externality these are all features that

determine

how you experience helplessness and

whether you adopt

a victimhood stance for example global

attribution occurs when the individual

believes

that the cause of negative events is

consistent across

different contexts specific attribution

is when the individual believes that the

cause of a negative event

is unique to a particular situation

stable attribution is when the

individual believes the cause to be

consistent across time

unstable attribution is when the

individual thinks that the cause is

specific

to one point in time a result of some

circumstance

external attribution assign

assigns causality to situational or

external factors of people

internal attribution assigns causality

to factors within the person

it's very close to locus of control and

so those

with internal stable and global

attributional style

for negative events are more at risk

for depressive reaction to failure

defeat abuse

other aversive experiences learned

helplessness is a factor in a wide range

of situations not only in interpersonal

relationships

not only in in abuse

in emotionally abusive relationships the

victim often develops

learned helplessness it's when the

victim confronts the abuser tries to

leave the abuser

but the abuser dismisses or trivializes

the victim's feelings

invalidates the abuse pretends to care

but does not change

impedes the abuse the victim from living

somehow

so it's true that emotionally or abusive

relationships

involve learned helplessness but learn

helplessness

is everywhere in the classroom in my

classroom

students some students repeatedly fail

and

i can't convince them that they can

improve their performance

because they attribute the failure to

themselves they say i'm like that and

i can't succeed so continued failure

loss of self-esteem social consequences

only enhance

the learned helplessness which then

leads to failure

et cetera et cetera it's a vicious cycle

it's very difficult to break

and in all this there's a fundamental

attribution error

one famous attribution error is what we

call the dunning-kruger effect

the dunning-kruger effect is when people

believe themselves to be

less fallible and more clever than other

people

when in in actuality that's not the case

in social psychology the fundamental

attribution error also known as

correspondence bias attribution effect

it's the tendency to overvalue

dispositional or personality based

explanations

for the observed behaviors of others and

at the same time

undervalue situational explanations for

those behaviors

lee ross coined coined the phrase

after some uh seri a classic experiment

by edward

jones and victor harris in 1967

so fundamental attribution error when is

when people explain the behaviors of

others

and when they do it um they don't

explain

um so it's like when they explain the

behavior of other people

they would explain it the behavior of

other people

because these other people are like that

this is their essence

this is the psychology they behave in

certain ways because they are like that

he's abusing me because he's an abuser

but when they explain their own behavior

they they attribute it to some

circumstances

i abused him because he abused me i

abused him because i was in a bad mood

so it's like he's abusing people because

that is his essence

it's his quiddity it's who he is who is

he's an abuser i'm abusing people

because things happen to me

circumstances change

i'm reacting i'm provoked and so this is

called attributional

attributional error situational factors

you attribute to yourself psychological

factors

you attribute to other and this is the

actor observer bias

so let's take an example you see someone

who is very clumsy and he fell over and

broke

a tray with with many glasses and so

okay then you judge his behavior you say

oh he's clumsy he's careless

it's a dispositional judgment he broke

the glasses

not because he tripped over something

not because of something that

external but because of something

internal he broke the glasses

because he is like that he's a glass

breaker

is clumsy but if a minute later

you were to trip over and break the same

number of glasses

you would tell yourself that something

was wrong with

with the way the glasses were arranged

on the tree or someone left something

and you tripped over it you would try to

find clues

cues in the environment not inside

yourself you wouldn't say

oh i tripped over because i'm clumsy in

most cases

you would say oh i tripped over because

abc

in the environment so victims

victim promise or victim blaming

that i've mentioned in the previous

lecture it's a form of fundamental

attribution error

it's known as the just world phenomenon

i

recommend that you read articles by

aronson wilson akert and sommers

article published in 2016. the just

world phenomenon

is the belief that people get what they

deserve and they deserve

what they get and this was first

described by melvin lerner

it's also known as the just desserts

attributing failures to dispositional

causes

attributing failures to someone else's

psychology makeup

relevant to situational causes which are

unchangeable and uncontrollable

this satisfies our need to believe that

the world is fair

and we have control over our lives we

are motivated to see a just

world because this reduces perceived

threats reduces anxiety

gives us a sense of security helps us to

find meaning in difficult and unsettling

circumstances

benefits us psychologically so we would

say

he broke the glasses because he is like

that

now that i know this about him i can

predict his future behavior

and i can control it i can never give

him glasses again

he is an abuser now i can control it i

know who he is i know what it's going to

do

what he's going to do i know how he's

going to behave like i'm in control

but the just world hypothesis also

results in a tendency for people

to blame and disparage others

victims blame and disparage abusers and

abusers

blame and disparage victims even victims

of a tragedy even

victims of an accident even victims of

rape or domestic abuse

so we tend to blame them in order to

reassure ourselves

of their of of our insusceptibility to

such

events she got traiped because she is

provocative and promiscuous i am not

provocative and promiscuous

i will never get raped you know

i abused her because she provoked me if

i were to live with another woman she

would not provoke me

i would not abuse her so these are

defenses

we we attribute to other people badness

corruption we attribute to other people

negative things

and when it comes to us

we are passive victims of circumstances

of others of abusers we are in a way

eternal victims

of the world and this is where you don't

want to end

because this leads to depression and

severe mental illness

you can go from bad to worse

you can exit an abusive relationship but

if you understand it wrongly

if you refrain it wrongly if you catch

cast yourself in the role of an eternal

victim

who did nothing wrong could have done

nothing wrong could do nothing wrong

he's not responsible and contributed

nothing

you're gonna end up with mental illness

and i'm not sure which is worse

when your abuser is external or when

your abuser is internal

in the form of a mental illness that is

really

who you are