12 toxic things you do in conversations without realising

Summary

This video script delves into 12 common yet toxic behaviors in conversations that inadvertently create distance in relationships. It highlights behaviors such as criticizing, name-calling, diagnosing, and moralizing, which can hinder genuine connection. The speaker advises against these actions, emphasizing the importance of active listening, respecting autonomy, and avoiding manipulative praise. The goal is to foster healthier communication that allows for authentic self-expression and growth.

Takeaways

• 😶 Avoid Criticizing: People dislike being judged or criticized for their character or actions, as it can create distance in relationships.
• 🏷️ Refrain from Name-Calling: Labeling others can hinder their growth and change, as it fixes them into an identity they may not agree with.
• 🔮 Don't Diagnose: Avoid psychoanalyzing others' motives, as it can come off as presumptuous and dismissive of their autonomy.
• 🤗 Be Genuine in Praising: Praise should be given without expectations and should focus on actions, not to manipulate or control.
• 🚫 Stop Ordering and Threatening: Forcing actions or threatening consequences can lead to resistance or submissiveness, undermining mutual respect.
• 🙅‍♂️ Avoid Moralizing: Using 'should' statements can diminish others' self-expression and make you appear judgmental and superior.
• ❓ Be Mindful with Questioning: Excessive or irrelevant questioning can disrupt the flow of conversation and show a lack of attentive listening.
• 🤐 Hold Back on Advising: Advice can come off as an insult to the other person's intelligence and may overlook the complexities of their situation.
• 🔄 Don't Divert: Changing the subject or diverting attention away from what the other person is saying can signal a lack of empathy or interest.
• 🧠 Use Logic with Caution: Logical arguments can be necessary, but when emotions are involved, feelings should be the primary focus.
• 🤗 Offer Reassurance Sparingly: Reassuring someone can sometimes feel dismissive of their feelings; it's often better to validate and listen.

Q & A

What are the 12 toxic behaviors discussed in the transcript that can create distance in conversations?

The 12 toxic behaviors are criticizing, name-calling, diagnosing, evaluative praising, ordering, threatening, moralizing, excessive or inappropriate questioning, advising, diverting, logical arguing, and reassuring.

Why is criticizing considered a toxic behavior in conversations?

Criticizing is toxic because it involves a negative evaluation of someone's attitude, person, or actions, which can make people feel self-critical and unwelcome, thus creating distance.

What is the impact of name-calling on a person's psychological growth?

Name-calling creates a stigma and labels a person, which can hinder their psychological growth by cementing them into a fixed identity they might not agree with, preventing them from changing and evolving.

How does diagnosing or psychoanalyzing someone in a conversation affect the relationship?

Diagnosing can make the other person feel like they are being analyzed by an annoying therapist, which can be invasive and dismissive of their autonomy, thus damaging the relationship.

What is the difference between giving genuine praise and evaluative praising?

Genuine praise is given without any expectations, while evaluative praising is often used manipulatively to get something from the person, which can be subtly pressuring.

Why should one avoid ordering and threatening in conversations?

Ordering and threatening promote reactance, where the person being ordered or threatened may resist or become overly submissive, both of which are unhealthy for a balanced relationship.

What is moralizing and how can it diminish self-expression in a conversation?

Moralizing involves making statements that imply a superior moral stance, which can diminish the self-expression of others by imposing one's own values and beliefs on them.

Why is excessive or inappropriate questioning considered harmful in conversations?

Excessive or irrelevant questioning can interrupt the flow of a conversation and may make the speaker feel unheard or invalidated, which can stifle communication.

What does the speaker mean when they say advice can be 'the worst vice'?

The speaker suggests that giving advice can be a form of self-aggrandizement that overlooks the complexities of the other person's situation and can make the advisor feel superior without truly helping.

Why is diverting a conversation considered a toxic behavior?

Diverting changes the subject away from what the other person is trying to discuss, often due to a lack of listening skills, a desire for attention, or discomfort with the emotions being expressed.

What is the issue with using logical arguments in response to someone's emotional expression?

Logical arguments can dismiss the emotional aspect of the conversation, which is often the focus when someone is venting or expressing feelings, thus avoiding genuine emotional connection.

Why is reassuring someone not always helpful in a conversation?

Reassuring can be a form of emotional withdrawal, where the comforter avoids engaging with the full emotional depth of the situation, which may not allow the person to feel truly heard or supported.