How to attract what you want by NOT focusing on it

Summary

The speaker explores the concept of detachment from outcomes, reflecting on personal development and the realization that goals can sometimes hinder true progress. They share their journey through therapy and self-awareness, emphasizing the importance of valuing effort over results. The video encourages viewers to celebrate internal growth and to recognize that self-worth should not be tied to external achievements, advocating for a shift in focus from outcomes to the process of striving and growing.

Takeaways

• 🤔 The concept of detachment from outcomes is explored, suggesting that being overly attached to goals can negatively impact one's life.
• 🎯 The speaker admits to having a disconnect between their intellectual understanding of detachment and their emotional experience.
• 🕊️ Personal development and the journey of life are emphasized over specific destinations or achievements.
• 😡 The speaker discusses their past struggles with emotional regulation, suppressed anger, and the need for validation from others.
• 🔄 The realization that wanting something intensely can often push it further away, as seen in the example of wanting a girlfriend.
• 🚫 The potential harm in setting goals that are tied to one's self-esteem, leading to negative feelings when outcomes are not met.
• 🏅 The difference between athletes who are devastated by not winning and those who are joyful regardless of the outcome, suggesting a healthier approach to goals.
• 💡 The importance of focusing on effort and process over outcomes, as influenced by the teachings of former college basketball coach John Wooden.
• 🔑 The speaker's shift in perspective from valuing outcomes to valifying effort, leading to a healthier self-worth.
• 👶 The recommendation to explore 'inner child work' or 'shadow work' to understand and heal emotional wounds that may be affecting one's attachment to outcomes.
• 🎉 The encouragement to celebrate internal growth and effort, rather than just outcomes, as a way to build self-worth and a healthier relationship with goals.

Q & A

What is the main theme discussed in the video script?

The main theme discussed is the concept of detachment from outcomes and how goals can be detrimental if one's self-worth is intrinsically tied to the results of those goals.

Why does the speaker believe that being attached to outcomes can be harmful?

The speaker believes that being attached to outcomes can be harmful because it can lead to emotional distress when goals are not met, and it can also overshadow the value of the journey and the effort put into achieving those goals.

What personal experiences does the speaker share regarding their struggle with detachment?

The speaker shares that they have struggled with emotional regulation and have a history of comparing themselves to others, needing validation, and feeling that their life would only improve with certain achievements.

What advice does the speaker give for those who find their self-worth tied to outcomes?

The speaker suggests exploring inner child work or shadow work, which involves examining emotional wounds and traumas from childhood that may be influencing one's attachment to outcomes.

How does the speaker suggest celebrating personal growth?

The speaker suggests celebrating the effort and the process of personal growth, such as creating a video or having a meaningful conversation, rather than just celebrating the outcomes or results.

What is the significance of the phrase 'life is a journey, not a destination' in the context of the script?

The phrase 'life is a journey, not a destination' is significant because it emphasizes the importance of enjoying the process of life and personal development over solely focusing on the end goals.

What does the speaker mean by 'detaching from outcomes'?

Detaching from outcomes means not letting one's happiness or self-worth be dependent on the results of their goals or efforts, but rather finding contentment in the journey and the actions taken.

Why does the speaker mention John Wooden's philosophy on coaching?

The speaker mentions John Wooden's philosophy to illustrate the idea that it's more important to focus on the effort and the internal growth of individuals rather than just the external results or outcomes.

What is the speaker's view on setting and pursuing goals?

The speaker believes that goals are good and it's important to strive and achieve, but one should not let their self-worth be entirely dependent on the achievement of those goals.

How does the speaker suggest one can work on their inner child or shadow?

The speaker suggests exploring one's inner child or shadow through activities like inner child meditation, using workbooks, or working with a therapist or coach specializing in such work.

Outlines

00:00

💭 The Paradox of Goal Pursuit and Self-Detachment

The speaker explores the idea that goals might be detrimental to personal well-being, questioning the true desires behind goal-setting and the impact of attachment to outcomes. They share their journey of personal development, highlighting the incongruity between their intellectual understanding of detachment and their emotional reality. The speaker discusses their past struggles with emotional regulation, suppressed anger, and the need for validation, which led them to therapy and a men's group. They suggest that the pursuit of goals can be harmful when self-esteem is tied to the achievement of those goals, sharing personal anecdotes about how desire can repel what is sought and how letting go can lead to attraction.

05:01

🏅 The Olympics of Self-Worth: Winning Isn't Everything

This paragraph delves into the difference between athletes who are devastated by not winning a medal and those who are still joyful despite the same outcome. The speaker hypothesizes that this disparity may stem from childhood experiences and parental expectations, which could have led to an unhealthy drive for achievement. They argue that goals themselves are not bad, but become problematic when self-worth is intrinsically linked to the outcome. The speaker references John Wooden's philosophy on valuing effort over outcome and shares their own shift in perspective from focusing on results to valuing personal growth and effort.

10:03

🌱 Celebrating Growth Over Outcomes: A New Perspective

The speaker encourages embracing a mindset that celebrates internal growth and effort rather than external outcomes. They recommend engaging in inner child or shadow work to heal emotional wounds and traumas that may be affecting one's self-worth. The speaker also suggests celebrating every act of growth, such as completing a video or creating a presentation, as a way to build self-esteem independent of outcomes. They share their personal experiences of celebrating their congruent actions and the importance of being present and engaged in life's moments, regardless of their outcome.

15:03

👋 Embracing the Human Being, Not the Human Doing

In the concluding paragraph, the speaker invites viewers to reflect on the video's content and share their thoughts, emphasizing the importance of focusing on being rather than doing. They encourage viewers to continue striving for goals and fulfilling their potential while celebrating the effort put into the journey. The speaker reminds us that we should value our character and spiritual growth over the results we achieve, as these are the aspects of life that we have control over and that truly define our worth.

Keywords

💡Detachment

Detachment in the context of the video refers to the practice of not being emotionally attached to the outcomes or results of one's actions. It is a concept the speaker has been studying and trying to implement in his life to avoid the negative emotions associated with not achieving desired goals. The speaker mentions that despite understanding the concept intellectually, he has struggled to embody it authentically, as he still experiences frustration when goals are not met.

💡Personal Development

Personal development is a broad term that encompasses activities that improve one's awareness, knowledge, and skills to enhance personal effectiveness and well-being. In the video, the speaker discusses his long-standing interest in personal development and how it has influenced his approach to setting and pursuing goals, as well as his journey towards emotional regulation and self-awareness.

💡Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and control one's emotions, particularly the ability to respond to challenging situations in a manner that is appropriate to the context. The speaker identifies emotional regulation as an issue he has been working on, particularly in the context of handling the disappointment of not achieving goals. He mentions that joining a men's group and undergoing therapy have been part of his process to improve this skill.

💡Self-Esteem

Self-esteem refers to the overall subjective evaluation of one's own worth. In the video, the speaker discusses how his self-esteem has been intrinsically tied to the outcomes of his goals, which has led to negative emotions when goals were not met. He suggests that goals can be detrimental if they are the primary source of one's self-worth, as they can lead to feelings of inadequacy when not achieved.

💡Inner Child Work

Inner child work is a therapeutic approach that involves exploring and healing the emotional wounds from childhood that may affect one's adult life. The speaker mentions working with an inner child coach to address past traumas and emotional wounds, which has contributed to his improved self-worth and reduced attachment to outcomes.

💡Self-Worth

Self-worth is the intrinsic value and dignity of a person, independent of their achievements or external validation. The video emphasizes the importance of distinguishing self-worth from the results of one's actions. The speaker's journey towards recognizing his self-worth, apart from goal achievement, is a central theme of the video.

💡Goal Attainment

Goal attainment is the process of achieving the objectives one has set for oneself. The speaker discusses the potential negative effects of being overly attached to the attainment of goals, suggesting that this attachment can lead to disappointment and a sense of inadequacy when goals are not met.

💡Validation

Validation refers to the confirmation or approval of one's feelings, thoughts, or beliefs by others. In the video, the speaker mentions his past need for validation from others, which was tied to his self-esteem and contributed to his emotional struggles.

💡Awareness

Awareness, in the context of the video, refers to the conscious recognition and understanding of one's own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. The speaker suggests that awareness is a crucial step in addressing emotional regulation issues and improving self-worth, as it allows for the recognition of unhealthy patterns and the beginning of change.

💡Celebration

Celebration in the video is discussed as a practice of acknowledging and appreciating one's efforts and growth, rather than solely focusing on the outcomes. The speaker recommends celebrating internal growth and efforts, such as creating a video or having a meaningful conversation, as a way to build self-worth and reduce attachment to results.

💡Human Beings vs. Human Doings

This concept from the video contrasts the idea of being a 'human being,' which emphasizes existence and being present in the moment, with 'human doings,' which focuses on constant action and achievement. The speaker encourages viewers to embrace being, celebrating the process and effort, rather than solely focusing on doing and achieving.

Highlights

The concept of detachment from outcomes in personal development.

The struggle with emotional regulation and the journey through therapy and men's group.

The realization of suppressed anger and the need for validation from others.

The paradox of wanting something intensely and it becoming further away.

The idea that goals might be detrimental if they affect one's self-worth.

The distinction between healthy striving and unhealthy need for achievement.

The story of an athlete's devastation versus another's joy despite not winning a medal.

The importance of self-worth not being tied to the outcome of goals.

John Wooden's philosophy on valuing effort over the scoreboard.

The personal shift from outcome-based self-esteem to effort-based self-worth.

The recommendation to explore inner child work or shadow work for emotional healing.

The suggestion to celebrate internal growth and effort rather than outcomes.

The personal anecdote of celebrating the creation of a new video series.

The advice on celebrating the effort in work and personal life, not just the results.

The realization of the importance of character and spiritual growth over external achievements.

The metaphor of being 'human beings' versus 'human doings' and its implications.

The closing message on the significance of effort and true potential fulfillment.

Transcripts

what if

goals are actually really bad for

you what if the thing that you think you

want isn't what you really

want and that by wanting it what if what

if it's actually making your life

worse something I've been uh spending a

lot of time um studying over the past

year is this concept of detachment

and by that I mean detach myself from

outcomes you see for as long as I can

remember I've been that I've been into

personal development I've been able to

intellectualize detaching from

outcomes in a way that sounds really

articulate in a way that resonates with

my clients but

fundamentally has been a complete in

congruent lie within

me you see I'm the first person and I'm

sure you've heard this saying before you

know it life is a journey not a

destination And yet when I don't get to

a particular destination in a particular

perceived uh period in time even if I've

just said that phrase there's a part of

me that's annoyed and agitated that I

haven't achieved a desired

result and the amazing thing is over the

past couple of years for those of you

that don't know um my story just without

going into the the full gory details but

around two years ago I was in a really

dark place and um I started having

therapy um I then joined a men's

group and that helped me to um see that

one of the issues I was having Within

Myself is an inability to emotionally

regulate and speak about what I'm

feeling I had a lot of suppressed

anger um I was very very highly

unconsciously

um comparing myself to other people had

a really really high need for other

people to validate me and approve of me

something that's still present in my

life by the way it isn't something that

I'm saying I'm free from um but it's

something that I'm aware of and I always

say 90% awareness is 90% of the

challenge

right but what if this concept what if

this what if these goals that you pursue

what if they're actually making your

life worse

because here's what I found

about achieving and doing and having and

wanting is the more you want something I

found that the more I want something if

I've gotone into a NE like into a if

I've had any sort of energy that my life

will be better by having this

thing for some strange Universal reason

if you don't believe in the the universe

then forgive me but I don't know maybe

you can relate I've had this experience

where if I've had an

over need or desire like basically the

hungrier I've been for something like

the more needy I've been for something

the

less the further away it's

been like when I couldn't get a

girlfriend I I when I desperately wanted

a girlfriend I couldn't get one

and then when I stopped

trying I seem to I seem to attract

attract them making myself sound like

I'm some kind of pimp but hopefully you

get the

point so what if this wanting and

needing and goal attainment is actually

holding you back and here's why you see

there's nothing fundamentally wrong with

going for goals there's nothing

fundamentally wrong with going for goals

cuz in case you're listening to this

thinking well if I don't have a goal

what's the point of

living I believe goals are at the core

are good here's where goals are

bad you see from my experience I found

that goals are

bad when your

selfesteem is intrinsically tied into

the

result so if you've ever had the

experience of achieving a result in your

life and

feeling infinitely better about yourself

like if you've ever done something great

and felt infinitely better about

yourself because of the

result but then if you've done something

where you've really given 100% but

haven't got the result you've wanted and

haven't felt good about

yourself that is an indicator that your

selfworth is intrinsically tied into the

result

so for

example the athlete trains for years to

get to the

Olympics and they get to the final of

their Olympic

competition and they don't win a

medal and they're

devastated but then somebody else in the

race also does not win a medal but is

overjoyed

what is the

difference you could say well the first

person has higher standards than the

second person the first person is a high

achiever and expects to win and and that

and that need to win is is a good

thing what if it

isn't what if the thing that's driving

them isn't actually

healthy what if the thing that that's

driving them is they had a tough

childhood and they had a they had a a

parent or a set of parents who pushed

them so hard to compete and to

win that nothing was ever enough and

that they would only get their parents'

love an acceptance if they were winning

and

achieving and what if they've carried

that into their Sport and now it's

become so out of

balance that they can't differentiate

between giving

100% fulfilling their true

potential and winning a

medal see I don't think goals are

fundamentally bad

unless unless our selfworth is

intrinsically tied into the outcome and

the

result you see it's really easily to sit

here and intellectualize that life is a

journey do a

destination but if you know you've ever

had that experience of getting to a

destination and being like is this all

there

is then you know that you

are putting your self-esteem and your

selfworth too much in the outcome and

not in the

effort I think the uh former college

basketball coach John Wooden always used

to say that he didn't care about the

scoreboard he cared more about the

internal score of his

players meaning he couldn't control the

score because he couldn't control how

the other team performed but he could

control or he he could influence how his

team

performed and if those players came off

didn't give 100% And won he wouldn't

give them praise like he would give them

praise if they came off the court and

lost but they knew in their hearts and

souls that they gave it everything that

they got

you see for most of my adult life I've

had my self-esteem and selfworth too

intrinsically tied in to the

outcome to the

result and slowly over the past year

that's started to change and I've only

found one way that that can

fundamentally change and that goes back

to something as a theme in these videos

these new videos I've been doing which

is going back into the point where in

your life timeline you first had that

experience of not being enough unless

you achieved a specific

outcome so for example you know you may

call that inner child work or Shadow

work which is the concept of going into

your childhood and exploring whether

that's with a therapist I currently have

an inner child coach that I'm working

with we're doing some some really really

powerful stuff around uh wounds

emotional wounds

trauma

um and

it's amazing the more and more I do of

this the higher myelf worth is the

higher my sense of selfworth

is and the less I'm attached to the

outcome but just to clarify I still have

outcomes I still have

goals but I know that that's not the

most important thing because I can plant

the seed but I can't guarantee that it's

going to bear fruit cuz I can't control

the can't control the

weather I can control the sails but I

can't control the

wind Mike Tyson says everyone's got a

plan till they get punched in the

face I love that saying it's a great

saying so one of the things I recommend

to you if you're not currently exploring

any kind of inner child work and this

video is resonated with you then I

recommend you minimum go on YouTube and

punch in inner child meditation and just

sit for 10 minutes and just follow the

guided prompts and see what comes up for

you second to that maybe get yourself an

inner child workbook or a shadow

workbook and explore some of the answers

that come up powerful powerful process

um if you want to have a conversation

with me about inner child work and

coaching I'd be more than happy to have

a conversation with

you um and another thing I recommend as

well which has been really powerful for

me is to every time you do something

that you think constitutes growth like

as in internal growth

celebrate like whatever it is like

celebrate like when I've now I've

started to get in this habit of new

videos which feels like they feel like

the most congruent videos I've ever done

like I used to do videos years ago I'd

kind of be jumping around in my kitchen

and it was nice but it wasn't congruent

because there was days where I was not

feeling that energy and it it didn't

feel congruent it felt

very high energy and kind of all over

the place

frankly and these new videos I'm doing

they feel more congruent they feel more

me and so I'm starting to celebrate you

know when I finish this video I'm

literally going to you know um open a

bottle of champagne and get out the

party streamers and the neighbors are

going to I'm

kidding but I'll celebrate I celebrate

these videos I created a new uh web

event this week a webinar for those of

you that don't know the technical terms

an online presentation and I celebrated

that the creation of that I was proud of

that um I had a new person enroll in our

program

yesterday and the old told me would have

celebrated

that and the interesting thing is I

didn't feel inclined to celebrate that

because the because that was an

outcome and as as weird as it may sound

I find myself celebrating outcomes less

because I just it doesn't feel as

healthy for me to celebrate outcomes it

feels much healthier for me to celebrate

input like so doing some work doing a VI

creating a video um

creating a new

presentation um those kind of things I

had a powerful uh a powerful uh sales

call earlier and I I really felt like I

was in the flow I was congruent and the

person

enrolled I celebrate not the sale but

the the the energy and how I showed up

and I was really praising this person

for for their values and their integrity

and their reasons for wanting to enroll

in the program and that felt really

congruent it felt really nice I was

really pleased that they were joining

not for the sale but because I was like

this is going to be really good for this

person and I felt really proud that I

created the space where I was so present

with them that I could um celebrate them

and just just just

be I celebrate the fact that I had work

planned to do this afternoon but um sat

and sagra at a party and Zen was poorly

and I was with him and I was fully

present the old me would have been

frustrated that I was behind on work but

behind on work for what I was looking

after my semi- poorly son right I was

whereas the old me would have said that

was not work so that's not enough I have

to be achieving in the eyes of other

people for me to feel

enough and me just just being a dad

wasn't

enough but that's not the case anymore

now I recognize

how my character growth spiritual growth

emotional growth is the most important

thing and as eart to says I mentioned

this yesterday we're called human beings

but we live often like we're human

doings so keep keep going for

goals keep achieving keep striving keep

showing up keep fulfilling your true

potential keep giving it

100% but celebrate the

work celebrate the effort

more than you celebrate the

result because as I said earlier you can

control the sales but you can't control

the wind you can only thing that you can

control is your effort and at the end of

the day if you know that you've given

your heart and soul today if you know

that you've filled your true potential

if you know that you've given the

absolute essence of everything that God

gave you

today then you're enough

on that we're going to

end hope you enjoyed today's video as

always um love to hear your comments

thoughts and um and what this is um what

this video means for you um if it needs

to be private reply I'm cool with that

um love it if you comment in the thread

below make sure you subscribe for

notifications of future videos and um

yeah have a great rest of the day I'll

see you next time take care