How to find your perfect partner | Nancy Benitez | TEDxTenayaPaseo

Summary

In this heartfelt narrative, the speaker shares her journey of self-discovery and love. After a divorce and a series of disappointing dates, she meets 'Mr. X' on Match.com, leading to a marriage filled with unhappiness and self-doubt. Through self-reflection and a commitment to personal growth, she learns to love herself and sets clear boundaries for her relationships. This transformation eventually attracts a new partner who aligns with her evolved self, illustrating the power of self-improvement and clarity in finding a fulfilling relationship.

Takeaways

• 💡 The importance of using expert tools to attract a perfect partner was emphasized at the beginning of the story.
• 📅 The narrator's personal journey began in 2001, post-divorce, with a new start on match.com.
• 💌 The initial connection with 'Mr. X' was made through an online dating platform, highlighting the role of modern technology in meeting potential partners.
• 🚫 The narrator regrets ignoring intuition and not recognizing her boundaries and values, which led to a relationship based on settling rather than true compatibility.
• 🤔 A key question posed is how many people settle in relationships just because they are treated better than in their previous ones.
• 🔍 The narrator stresses the necessity of clarity in one's boundaries, values, and non-negotiables to attract the right partner.
• 💬 Communication preferences and love languages are highlighted as essential components for a healthy relationship.
• 🔄 A decade later, the narrator found herself unhappy and unfulfilled, realizing the need for self-reflection and change.
• 🧘‍♀️ The journey of self-discovery involved reading self-help books, engaging in coaching, and studying various philosophies, indicating a multi-faceted approach to personal growth.
• 💖 The narrator's realization of being the creator of her reality and the importance of self-love and self-reflection in attracting the perfect partner.
• 🌟 The power of inspired action, which involves identifying limiting beliefs and taking steps to overcome them, was presented as a crucial tool for personal and relationship development.
• 🌈 The story concludes with the narrator finding love and a fulfilling relationship after a period of self-improvement and self-reflection, emphasizing the impact of personal growth on attracting the right partner.

Q & A

What year did the speaker decide to get back into the dating scene?

The speaker decided to get back into the dating scene in 2001.

What platform did the speaker use to start dating again?

The speaker used Match.com to start dating again.

Why did the speaker initially ignore her intuition about Mr. X's profile?

The speaker ignored her intuition because she was looking for someone who treated her better than her ex-husband and Mr. X seemed like a better option at the time.

What was the main reason the speaker felt she struggled in relationships?

The speaker struggled in relationships because she lacked clarity about her boundaries, values, and non-negotiables.

What is the importance of clarity in attracting a perfect partner according to the speaker?

Clarity is important because it helps remove what you don't want and guides you towards what you do want, making it easier to attract a partner who aligns with your desires.

What are some of the important questions one should ask themselves to gain clarity about their relationship needs?

Important questions include identifying one's boundaries, values, non-negotiables, communication preferences, and love language.

How did the speaker describe her emotional state 10 years after marrying Mr. X?

The speaker described herself as a sad, unhappy, and unfulfilled woman who had become dependent on her husband for her happiness and unhappiness.

What led the speaker to go on a soul-searching journey?

The speaker felt lost and like a victim in her life, which led her to seek self-help books, programs, and mentors to find herself.

How did the speaker eventually find the answer to her struggles within herself?

The speaker found the answer through self-reflection, realizing she was the creator of her own reality and had the power to choose who she wanted to be with.

What is the role of self-reflection in attracting a perfect partner?

Self-reflection helps heal wounds and limiting beliefs, which is necessary for attracting a partner who is a better match for the person you have become.

What did the speaker do to take inspired action towards attracting her perfect partner?

The speaker identified a limiting belief and took actions such as meditation, affirmations, and lifestyle changes to replace it and move towards her desired relationship.

What advice does the speaker give at the end of the script for attracting a perfect partner?

The speaker advises to say 'yes' to oneself, to what one wants, to what lights one's soul on fire, and to love, trusting that the perfect partner is also saying 'yes' to you.

Outlines

00:00

💔 Rediscovering Love After Divorce

The narrator shares their journey of re-entering the dating world post-divorce in 2001 through Match.com. They recount an initial encounter with an attractive man, Mr. X, and the subsequent development of a relationship. However, the narrator admits to ignoring their intuition about Mr. X, which leads to a realization about the importance of clarity in defining one's boundaries, values, and non-negotiables in a partner. The story highlights the common mistake of settling in relationships based on superficial improvements over past partners rather than true compatibility.

05:03

🔍 The Journey of Self-Reflection and Healing

Ten years into a marriage with Mr. X, the narrator feels unfulfilled and dependent on their spouse for happiness. Recognizing the need for change, they embark on a soul-searching journey, investing in self-help resources and becoming a coach. Despite external guidance, the narrator finds true clarity and change within themselves, realizing they are the creators of their reality. They advocate for self-reflection as a means to heal and attract a perfect partner, by asking oneself key questions about honoring boundaries, communication, and self-love.

10:07

💖 Attracting the Perfect Partner Through Self-Growth

In 2018, after focusing on personal growth, the narrator experiences a desire for a partner to share life's adventures. Through a moment of vulnerability and a request for guidance, they eventually meet a man during a trip to Portland who resonates with their transformed self. They build a connection over long-distance communication, emphasizing the importance of inspired action and self-reflection in overcoming limiting beliefs. The story concludes with the narrator and their partner exemplifying healthy communication and resolving issues from a place of love and understanding, illustrating the power of personal growth in attracting the right partner.

Keywords

💡Intuition

Intuition refers to the ability to understand or know something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. In the video, the speaker mentions ignoring her intuition when she swiped over Mr. X's profile on a dating site, which later led to a relationship. This concept is central to the theme of self-awareness and the importance of listening to one's inner voice when making decisions about relationships.

💡Clarity

Clarity, in this context, means having a clear and definite understanding of one's own boundaries, values, and non-negotiables. The speaker emphasizes that a lack of clarity led her to settle in a relationship, which is a key point in the video's message about the importance of self-knowledge in attracting the right partner.

💡Settling

Settling is the act of accepting a situation or person as satisfactory, even though they may not meet one's desires or standards. The video discusses how people often settle in relationships out of fear or convenience, rather than seeking a partner who truly aligns with their values and needs.

💡Non-negotiables

Non-negotiables are the fundamental requirements or principles that one will not compromise on, especially in a relationship. The speaker uses this term to highlight the importance of identifying and upholding personal standards when seeking a partner.

💡Self-reflection

Self-reflection is the process of thinking deeply about one's own experiences, feelings, and thoughts. In the video, the speaker describes using self-reflection to understand her own failures and unhappiness, which was a crucial step in her journey towards attracting her perfect partner.

💡Healing

Healing, in the context of the video, involves overcoming emotional wounds and limiting beliefs that prevent personal growth and the ability to attract a fulfilling relationship. The speaker's journey of self-reflection and self-help is part of her healing process.

💡Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction is a belief that positive or negative thoughts bring positive or negative experiences into a person's life. The speaker mentions studying this concept, suggesting that it played a role in her understanding of how to attract her perfect partner.

💡Self-help

Self-help refers to the process of improving one's emotional, psychological, or financial well-being through self-empowerment. The speaker spent time and resources on self-help books and programs, indicating her commitment to personal growth and development.

💡Communication

Communication is the act of conveying meaning through a shared system of symbols, signs, or behavior. In the video, the speaker discusses the importance of effective communication in resolving issues in a relationship, highlighting its role in maintaining a healthy and understanding partnership.

💡Inspired Action

Inspired action is the act of taking steps towards a goal or desire that is driven by inspiration or a strong inner motivation. The speaker talks about identifying limiting beliefs and taking inspired actions to overcome them, which is a key part of attracting a perfect partner.

💡Love Language

Love language refers to the way a person prefers to give and receive love. The speaker encourages the audience to understand their own love language and that of their partners to feel loved and to express love more effectively.

Highlights

The importance of using expert tools to attract a perfect partner.

The narrator's personal story of returning to dating after a divorce in 2001.

The experience of online dating and the initial connection with Mr. X on Match.com.

The narrator's realization of ignoring intuition when swiping on dating profiles.

The concept of settling in relationships due to a lack of clarity on personal boundaries and values.

The significance of clarity in attracting the right partner and avoiding surface relationships.

Questions to ask oneself to gain clarity on boundaries, values, and non-negotiables in a relationship.

The narrator's 10-year journey with Mr. X, leading to unhappiness and self-reflection.

The role of self-reflection in identifying and healing personal wounds and limiting beliefs.

The narrator's transformation through self-help, coaching, and mentorship.

The realization of being the creator of one's own reality and the power of self-love.

The process of self-reflection through asking important personal questions.

The narrator's newfound love and connection with a man she met on a road trip in 2018.

The importance of communication and self-reflection in resolving relationship issues.

The concept of inspired action and its role in overcoming limiting beliefs for a better relationship.

The narrator's advice on taking inspired action to attract the perfect partner.

The call to action for the audience to say 'yes' to themselves, their desires, and love.

Transcripts

[Music]

imagine

imagine if an expert

gave you the tools that you needed in

order to attract

your perfect partner would you use them

hold on to that thought and lean in

as i tell you a love story

it's 2001 and i am divorced

but i feel like i'm ready to get back

into the dating scene

and i want to try something new and so i

sign

up for match.com now

after a few months of very interesting

dates

a few marriage proposals and me getting

ready to give up

this attractive guy messages me and says

hey

check out my profile i really like yours

let's connect

sincerely mr x okay

i check out mr x's profile he seems like

a great guy

i like what he has to say so we exchange

numbers

and we end up talking that night for a

few hours

we also agree to meet at starbucks the

next day

we have a great time the next day we end

up talking

connecting and we end up dating for a

few more months

now before i continue with my story

i need to tell you a little secret

this is the same guy that just

a few days prior i had swiped over his

profile

because something didn't resonate

honestly i don't know exactly what it

was

but i chose to ignore that little voice

some of us call it our intuition

so why why did i choose to ignore that

little voice

why did i choose to get into another

relationship

after being divorced

it came down to the lack of one word

clarity i did not know my boundaries

i did not know my non-negotiables and i

didn't know my values

all i knew was that this guy

treated me better than my ex-husband

who had absolutely no interest

in being intimate or vulnerable with me

and so mr x just felt better

now let me ask you guys a question

how many of you have settled

with being with someone just because

they treated you better

than your previous partner i did

and that is why i struggled and in

talking to friends

to family to clients that is the number

one reason why they struggle too

we end up getting into these

relationships these surface

relationships

where we think we know what we want and

then they end up

in massive breakups or divorce

so why is clarity the number one

thing to help you attract your perfect

partner

clarity removes everything that you

don't want

in order to move forward into what you

do want

it helps you know exactly where you want

to go

so how do we gain clarity how do we

know exactly what we want by asking

some very important questions

questions like what are my boundaries

what are my values and what are my

non-negotiables

second how do i want my partner

to communicate with me

third how and what do i need

in order for my partner to love me

better

and lastly what is my

love language and what are some of the

things

that help me feel loved now i encourage

you

before you fill out those dating

profiles before you go on your first

date or your next date

and even if you're in a relationship to

ask yourself

these questions now back to my story

it is now 10 years later and i am

married to mr x i am

a sad unhappy unfulfilled woman

i have become the yes woman

to all the people in my life and worse

i have become dependent on

my happiness and unhappiness on my

husband

i am sad and i am miserable and i know

that this is not the way to live

something needs to change i need to

change i feel

lost and worse i feel like a victim

so i do what a lot of people do when

they feel lost

i went on a soul-searching journey to

find myself

i read and listened to hours of

self-help books

i spent thousands of dollars on

self-help programs

i became a coach and a mentor in several

different areas

i studied the law of attraction for

hours

and had mentors like abraham hicks

ecartoli and brene brown

and although all of these pieces were a

beautiful part of my healing

they were all outside myself

and do you know where i finally found

the answer

right here inside of my heart and inside

of myself

when i realized this everything changed

i realized that i was the creator of my

own reality that i got to choose

who i wanted to be with

so how is it that this happened

how is it that i got to this

huge aha two words

self-reflection i needed to

take a long look at all my fails

at all my unhappiness and not depend on

any

anyone else if i wanted

anything to change i needed to change i

chose to be the victor and no

longer the victim so how is it

that we do self-reflection when it feels

so scary

and uncomfortable and messy

again it's by asking some very important

questions

that may sound familiar the first one

do i honor my boundaries

my values and my non-negotiables

how do i communicate with

all of the people in my life

do i own up to my own

happiness and unhappiness

and lastly and most importantly

do i love myself enough

to make a change

so why self-reflection how and how does

it even

begin to attract your perfect partner

because if we aren't willing to heal

those wounds

if we aren't willing to heal those

limiting beliefs

keeping us stuck from a great

relationship

we can never attract more

than we are now it's the law

so in self-reflecting

that was a huge piece of my healing and

now

i go back or forward to the last part of

my story

it is now 2018 and i am

loving the woman i have become i am

focusing on my own life

i am focusing on my daughter and i am

focusing

on just living the best life i can

then one day this sadness falls over me

and i realize that i crave for someone

to co-create with

someone to have beautiful adventures

with and align with the woman that i

have become

suddenly tears start streaming down my

face

and i look up

and i say where is he

where is the man that is coming to align

with me

i ask that he be brought to me that he

be shown to me

to align with who i have become

i wipe the tears from my face knowing

that by releasing the outcome he will be

led to me

and i will be led to him

it's now a few months later and a

girlfriend and i plan to take a road

trip to portland

we're having a great time and a few days

after we get there we decide to go out

we're having a great time we're dancing

when all of a sudden i bump into this

guy

i look at him and his energy is magnetic

he's beautiful and he is someone that

feels like i have known for lifetimes

we end up spending an evening together

exchange numbers

and he leaves now

a few days later you know my girlfriend

goes home

and i get the courage to call him

and see if he can hang out for a few

more days

now we end up spending more days

together and

i just love who he is and and i really

resonate with him

this time though something's different

i am different and i know

that i am ready i'm not ready for

another committed relationship

i know my boundaries i know my values

and i know at this point in my life

i just want to have fun besides i think

what can happen he lives three thousand

miles away

i'm in florida and he's in portland it

was incredible

we ended up talking across three

thousand miles

for a year and a half we had great

beautiful conversations over the phone

we aligned

and we built this beautiful connection

and

ended up ascending into love we

eventually moved in together but my

favorite part

is our communication when those

messy uncomfortable conversations

that we tend to have in relationships

come up

we come from a place of love and

understanding

and self-reflection to resolve whatever

issue comes up

so wait how did i attract my perfect

partner

who attracted me

inspired action inspiration

is that thing that lights our souls on

fire

action is what moves us forward into

whatever it is that we want

so how do we take inspired action

again by asking two very important

questions

the first one is what is one false

limiting belief that is keeping me stuck

from a great relationship i am not good

enough

nobody wants me i'm to this i'm to that

and the next question is what is one

inspired action

that i can take every time i think about

this limited belief

to replace it so things like meditation

affirmations a lifestyle change a diet

change

those are all forms of inspired action

so now i have shared three tools with

you

to attract your perfect partner

and now you have a decision to make

you can stay where you are now or you

can say hell

yes to what you want and who

you want to be with

so say yes say yes to you

say yes to what you want say yes to

whatever lights your soul on fire

say yes to love and say yes

to your perfect partner who is also

out there saying yes to you

thank you

you