Maxene Magalona Opens Up About Her Mental Health Condition | Toni Talks

Summary

In this heartfelt conversation, Maxene Magalona-Mananquil reflects on her journey of self-discovery and healing after the death of her father, Francis Magalona. She discusses her struggle with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), her path to therapy, and the transformative power of meditation and yoga. Maxene shares her insights on mental health, the importance of self-love, and her mission to use her platform to inspire and help others, emphasizing the significance of inner peace and gratitude.

Takeaways

• 😀 Maxene Magalona-Mananquil shared her first encounter with the interviewee at 18, highlighting her energy and early success in the industry.
• 🎭 The interviewee admired Maxene's ability to enjoy her work and make a living from it, despite an initial perceived age gap that prevented a friendship.
• 📸 Maxene's Instagram stories about life and her search for meaning resonated with the interviewee, who found her journey inspiring.
• 🌑 Maxene opened up about her dark phase after her father's death, where she filled the void with partying and alcohol, unaware of the unhealthy habits she was developing.
• 💔 She recognized the societal pressure to appear strong and not show weakness, which led her to suppress her feelings of fear, anxiety, and depression.
• 🔍 Maxene's healing journey involved therapy, where she was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), stemming from childhood traumas.
• 🧘‍♀️ Through meditation and connecting with her breath, Maxene found a deeper connection with God and herself, leading to self-love and understanding.
• 🌟 She emphasized the importance of mental health, advocating for open conversations and self-care, and shared her realization that her struggles led her to her purpose.
• 🌈 Maxene's time in Bali was pivotal for her healing, where she learned to surrender and align with positive energy, changing her perspective on life.
• 💬 She now uses her platform to raise awareness about mental health, aiming to help others by sharing her experiences and advocating for self-compassion and gratitude.

Q & A

At what age did Maxene Magalona-Mananquil first meet the person she's talking about in the script?

Maxene Magalona-Mananquil first met the person she's talking about when she was 18 years old.

What was the name of the sitcom where Maxene first appeared as a guest?

The sitcom where Maxene first appeared as a guest was 'Daddy DiDoDu'.

Who is Maxene's father and what was his profession?

Maxene's father is Francis Magalona, who was a great master rapper.

What was the turning point in Maxene's life that led her to a dark phase?

The turning point in Maxene's life that led her to a dark phase was the passing of her father.

How did Maxene cope with her father's death, as mentioned in the script?

Maxene coped with her father's death by turning to partying and drinking alcohol every day, using his death as an excuse for her actions.

What is the significance of the name 'Mananquil' in Maxene's full name?

The name 'Mananquil' in Maxene's full name signifies her marriage to her husband, as it is his family name.

What mental health condition was Maxene diagnosed with after starting therapy?

Maxene was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) after starting therapy.

What is the main cause of complex post-traumatic stress disorder according to Maxene's experience?

According to Maxene, complex post-traumatic stress disorder usually begins in childhood and is often a result of various types of abuse or neglect in interpersonal relationships.

How did Maxene's husband support her during her healing journey?

Maxene's husband was very patient and understanding. He encouraged her to seek therapy and was the one who suggested she go for treatment.

What significant realization did Maxene have during her meditation?

During her meditation, Maxene realized that her breath is a gift from God, and by listening to her breath, she feels connected to Him.

What message does Maxene want to convey to others through her journey and experiences?

Maxene wants to convey that her journey is meant to help others by showing them they are not alone and encouraging open discussions about mental health.

What does the tattoo 'Be love' represent for Maxene?

The tattoo 'Be love' represents Maxene's intention to embody love and compassion, to accept everything without judgment, and to be kind to everyone, including those who are unkind.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Early Encounters and Industry Observations

The speaker recounts their first meeting with Maxene Magalona-Mananquil on the set of the sitcom 'Daddy DiDoDu,' where she was a lead star and the daughter of the renowned Francis Magalona. Despite being in the same industry, they did not become friends due to a perceived age gap. The speaker admired Maxene's energy and early success. Maxene's journey of self-discovery and her sharing of transformative life experiences on Instagram piqued the speaker's interest, leading to a deeper connection and admiration for her story of finding purpose amidst life's challenges.

05:01

🌑 Overcoming Darkness and Finding Purpose

Maxene Magalona-Mananquil discusses her struggle with grief and loss following her father's death, which led her into a dark phase of excessive partying and alcohol consumption as a means to cope. She describes her initial denial and justification of her behavior, which persisted for five years before she recognized the need for change. Maxene's journey of healing involved acknowledging her pain and embracing vulnerability, which she initially resisted due to societal pressures to appear strong. Through this process, she discovered her purpose and began to share her story, hoping to inspire others.

10:02

🗣️ The Impact of Loss and the Search for Identity

Maxene reflects on the profound impact of her father's passing, highlighting the close bond they shared and the traits she inherited from him, particularly his friendly and non-judgmental nature. She discusses the lessons her father imparted, such as not letting one's job define their worth and treating all people equally. The loss of her father led to a period of self-discovery and a realization of her own identity, which was complicated by societal expectations and personal struggles. Maxene's narrative includes her 'rock bottom' moments, including a particularly distressing incident in Boracay that served as a wake-up call, prompting her to seek help and begin her journey towards healing.

15:03

🔍 Unveiling Complex PTSD and the Path to Healing

Maxene delves into her diagnosis of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), a condition often rooted in childhood and exacerbated by interpersonal traumas such as abuse or neglect. She explains her initial reluctance to seek therapy due to societal stigma but ultimately embraces the process, leading to a deeper understanding of her condition. Maxene's journey includes learning about the causes of CPTSD, recognizing her own traumas, and the pivotal role her husband and mother-in-law played in encouraging her to seek help. Through therapy, she gains self-awareness, mindfulness, and compassion, which she believes are essential for true love and personal growth.

20:03

🌈 Embracing the Light Through Healing and Self-Love

Maxene shares her spiritual awakening and the profound realizations she experienced during her time in Bali, particularly the importance of surrendering control and aligning with her inner energy. She discusses the significance of meditation in her life, through which she feels a direct connection with God, who guides and speaks to her. Maxene's narrative emphasizes the importance of self-love and the belief that one must be full of love for oneself to be able to genuinely love others. She views her past struggles as necessary for her spiritual growth and sees her role as an advocate for mental health, aiming to help others by sharing her journey and experiences.

💪 Prioritizing Mental Health and the Power of Gratitude

In her final reflections, Maxene underscores the importance of mental health, advocating for open discussions and the need to prioritize it as much as physical health. She critiques the societal focus on external appearances and material success, sharing her own past preoccupations with fame and external validation. Maxene now embraces a mindset of gratitude and self-compassion, recognizing that her true value and purpose lie beyond superficial measures. She is committed to living authentically, as encapsulated by her 'Be love' tattoo, which represents her aspiration to embody love and compassion in all aspects of her life.

Keywords

💡Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD)

CPTSD is a mental health condition characterized by long-term difficulties in how a person reacts to trauma. It is often the result of ongoing, repeated trauma, such as domestic violence or childhood abuse. In the transcript, Maxene Magalona-Mananquil discovers she has CPTSD after her therapist diagnoses her. This realization is a pivotal moment in her healing journey, as it allows her to understand her past traumas and begin the process of recovery. The script illustrates her struggle with the condition through her experiences of emotional abuse, rage, and the subsequent self-awareness and healing process.

💡Therapy

Therapy, in this context, refers to the psychological treatment aimed at helping individuals cope with and recover from mental health issues. Maxene initially resists therapy due to societal stigma but eventually embraces it as a tool for self-discovery and healing. Her journey through therapy is integral to the narrative, as it leads to the identification of her CPTSD and the strategies she adopts to manage it, such as meditation and self-compassion.

💡Meditation

Meditation is a practice where an individual uses a technique – such as mindfulness, or focusing the mind on a particular object, thought, or activity – to train attention and awareness, and achieve a mentally clear and emotionally calm and stable state. In the script, Maxene finds solace and guidance in meditation, which helps her connect with her breath, her inner self, and ultimately, her spiritual beliefs. Meditation plays a significant role in her healing process, allowing her to find peace and direction amidst her struggles.

💡Healing

Healing, in the context of the video, refers to the process of recovery and becoming whole after a trauma or emotional distress. Maxene's journey is one of healing, where she moves from a state of denial and self-harm to one of self-awareness, acceptance, and growth. The concept of healing is central to the video's theme, as it encapsulates her transformation from a period of darkness to one of enlightenment and purpose.

💡Self-compassion

Self-compassion is the practice of being kind to oneself in instances of pain or failure, rather than being self-critical. Maxene emphasizes the importance of self-compassion in her healing journey, recognizing the need to treat herself with the same kindness and understanding she would offer to others. This concept is highlighted in her decision to hold herself with gentleness and to approach her healing without pressure.

💡Denial

Denial is a defense mechanism where a person is unable to accept the reality of a situation, often as a way to avoid dealing with an uncomfortable truth. In the script, Maxene talks about being in denial about her mental health issues and the negative behaviors that stemmed from her unresolved trauma. Denial is portrayed as a barrier to healing, which she overcomes through therapy and self-reflection.

💡Rock bottom

The term 'rock bottom' is used to describe the lowest point in a person's life, often a turning point that precedes positive change. Maxene shares her 'rock bottom' experiences, which include missing important work commitments due to excessive partying and engaging in self-destructive behaviors. These moments serve as catalysts for her to seek help and begin her journey towards mental and emotional well-being.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity refers to the state of being true to one's own personality, feelings, and beliefs. Maxene speaks about her father's authenticity and how he lived his life without letting his fame define him. This concept is reflected in her own journey as she strives to be genuine in her interactions and to live a life that aligns with her values and beliefs.

💡Existential search

An existential search is a philosophical exploration of one's purpose and meaning in life. Maxene's story is filled with her quest to find her purpose and understand her existence, especially after the death of her father. Her existential search leads her to deeper self-exploration and a redefinition of her values and life goals.

💡Mental health stigma

Mental health stigma refers to the negative attitudes and discrimination that people with mental health issues often face. Maxene initially resists therapy due to the stigma associated with mental health treatment in her culture. The script highlights the need to challenge these stigmas and promote open discussions about mental health as a normal part of overall well-being.

💡Spirituality

Spirituality, in this context, refers to a person's sense of connection to something greater than themselves, often expressed through religious beliefs, personal growth, or a search for meaning in life. Maxene's journey includes a strong spiritual component, where she finds guidance, comfort, and a sense of purpose through her connection with a higher power, which she perceives as God.

Highlights

The interviewee first met Maxene Magalona-Mananquil on the set of the sitcom 'Daddy DiDoDu' where she was a lead star.

Maxene was already popular due to being the daughter of the renowned master rapper, Francis Magalona.

The interviewee observed Maxene's energy and enjoyment on set, noting her early success in the industry.

Despite frequent encounters, a friendship did not form due to a perceived age gap.

Maxene's Instagram stories about life and her search for meaning resonated with the interviewee.

Maxene discussed her transformative journey and finding her purpose in life.

After her father's passing, Maxene turned to partying and alcohol to cope, which led to a dark phase in her life.

Maxene's denial of her feelings and her attempt to escape through partying led to a toxic lifestyle.

The interviewee shared her realization that admitting and embracing pain is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Maxene's close relationship with her father, who was her best friend, deeply influenced her.

One of her father's lessons was the importance of not letting one's job define their self-worth.

Maxene's rock bottom moment involved partying in Boracay, missing a flight, and leaving her bag in a bar.

Her husband's patience and encouragement led her to seek therapy, where she was diagnosed with CPTSD.

Maxene's therapy helped her understand the root of her mental health condition, which began in childhood.

She learned that CPTSD can stem from various forms of abuse or neglect, and even bullying.

Maxene's time in Bali was instrumental in her healing process, where she practiced surrender and mindfulness.

Her spiritual journey led her to a deeper connection with God, which she believes guided her through her darkest times.

Maxene advocates for open discussions about mental health, emphasizing its importance on par with physical health.

She believes that her journey is meant to help others, and she wishes to use her platform for this purpose.

Maxene's tattoo 'Be love' symbolizes her commitment to embody love and compassion in her life.

Transcripts

I first met the person we are talking to today when

I was 18 years old right after I did the commercial "I Love You Piolo."

I got a call from TAPE

and they asked me to be a guest in a sitcom where she stars.

If you remember as 90's kids and early 2000s,

the sitcom "Daddy DiDoDu,"

she was one of the lead stars there.

She played the role of Vic Sotto's kid.

I guested in that show and at that time, she was already popular

because she is the daughter of the great master rapper, Francis Magalona.

And that was the very first time I met her.

I don't know much yet about the industry and I was just observing her

and she's just really a ball of energy.

You know she was enjoying being on set and then I said,

"Look at her."

"At a young age, she already had her own sitcom."

Your job is so enjoyable

and you also make money out of it.

I became a regular in Eat Bulaga,

so I would always see and be with her.

But we never became friends because I felt like we had a huge age gap.

I will find out what our age gap is.

I'm fascinated with the stories that she shares on her Instagram

because it speaks so much about life, transformative journey,

and how she's searching for the real meaning of her existence.

And I think, she found her purpose already

and it's so beautiful how she shares her story.

I hope that her journey can also speak to your hearts.

We have, Maxene Magalona-Mananquil.

You already have "Mananquil" in your name.

Wow!

It's quite nice to hear that.

About finding your purpose and your existence in this life.

It's something that-

It feels like you've grown so much, right?

Super.

I was reading about what you've been through.

You went through a dark phase.

Yes.

It was right after your dad passed away.

Yes.

What happened?

So, my dad passed away.

I was 21 or 22 years old at that time.

I didn't realize this back then,

but I was unconsciously trying to fill a void when he passed away.

So I turned to partying, drinking alcohol everyday.

And I kept using his death as an excuse to do all that.

Like you grieve through drinking.

That's what people do these days, right? Or so I thought.

So that's what I did and I didn't notice that I've been doing that for five years already.

In the beginning, I kept justifying it by saying it's because I'm going through a loss.

And then, I never imagined myself getting to a point

where it had become so unhealthy already.

It was a very toxic time in my life

where I was just really denying what I was feeling.

So, I was running away from all the uncomfortable feelings.

What was the feeling?

Feeling of?

Feelings of fear, anxiety, depression.

In denial.

I couldn't accept it.

I was pushing it aside.

And then, I thought the partying was helping because it was making me happy.

That you're cool?

Yes.

Because when you're 21--

Exactly.

you're in the "cool" phase.

"I could do this without my dad."

"I'm good. I'm strong."

It was like trying to put on this strong, powerful, I-can-do-anything attitude.

We are conditioned not to show our weakness.

When we go through something as terrible as a loss, heartbreak,

or something like that,

when we admit weakness or pain, it makes us look or feel weak.

And we don't like that.

But now, I've been going through my healing journey,

I realized that admitting that you're going through pain,

owning it, and embracing it

is actually a very strong and courageous thing to do.

Running away from it is actually what makes you weak.

I didn't know it yet at that time and I forgave myself for that.

So when your dad passed away, what was the feeling at that time?

It was intense.

You never really know what you could feel until it happens to you.

It hits you so much that you just want to forget and disappear.

That's why you keep running away from it.

My dad was my best friend.

I was super close to him.

I'm his first born.

We were really close.

I see so much of myself in him.

We had a lot of similar traits.

What was a trait you got from your dad?

Oh, wow.

He was super friendly, and so was I.

I want to be able to hold space for everyone.

I want to be the friend that you can approach

and anything that you want to talk to me about

I'm here to listen.

Everyone needs a friend like that, no judgment.

Dad was like that, he never judged anyone.

You could do whatever you want.

This is what I like to do.

We all have different interests and that's fine.

That's what my dad would always say.

One of the greatest lessons that he shared with me

was he told me that our job shouldn't define us.

He said, "Xene..."

That's what he called me.

"Xene, not because we're TV personalities,

we can already assume we're better than other people."

"This is just our job..."

"But we are all equal."

That's what he said.

And I witnessed that with the way he lived

and treated the people around him.

He wasn't just saying the words,

he was actually living that life.

That's where I realized all of it.

And that was what he was saying about in Kaleidoscope World, right?

So he was very authentic.

Authentic.

Big part of you is your dad's?

Super.

That's why it was so hard when he left.

Exactly.

So my world came crashing down and I didn't know what to hold on to.

Yes.

As if saying, "What now?"

"Who am I now?"

Exactly.

So I kept finding myself.

I didn't even know I was lost.

I was lost but I didn't know I was lost.

So imagine how complicated that was.

I became "Maxene Magulo-na" or Maxene The Mess.

Right?

That's how it was.

Because when you're at your 20s, you'll never really know when you're lost.

You just feel like you're in a cool phase.

Right.

But you'll only understand the real deal when you're in your late 20s.

When you're about to turn 30, you'd look back and see what you've done.

Exactly.

It's embarrassing, right?

And that's when shame creeps in.

You said, towards the end of your 20s, you'll know.

Some people don't.

Right?

They just believe that there's nothing wrong.

"I am in the right path."

They just keep going.

It's not their fault.

That's just how we learn our lessons.

You need that moment in your life to gain an awakening.

That's called rock bottom.

When was yours?

Oh my gosh.

Rock bottom.

Oh, wow.

I had a lot of rock bottom moments.

I'll share one.

So one time, I was partying in Boracay.

And I was supposed to go home the next day,

but we drank more than we could take,

until I missed my flight.

I was supposed to go to a noontime show when I return to Manila,

but I missed my flight.

There was no responsibility anymore.

Until I woke up the next day, the police station in Boracay was calling me

saying that my bag is there.

I didn't even know.

- Why was your bag there? - I left it in a bar

and I went straight to another drinking spot.

And they were able to retrieve my bag.

So during that time, "Shocks."

And to think, I was a celebrity.

What if that went to the news?

I shared it here, though.

But still--

Just so people could know how grave it was.

- I was that miserable. - That lost.

Yes.

Maxene Magalona.

Maxene Goes Downhill.

Right?

Those were my rock bottom moments.

After that, I still didn't stop.

I hit the worst part of rock bottom when I got married

and I was projecting negative emotions towards my husband.

I was becoming abusive with my words.

Rage.

Rage, yes.

I didn't know that it was already psychological and emotional abuse.

With your husband?

For instance, when he tries to tell me something, I'd flip easily and I'd be mad.

And I'd tell him words I don't mean.

Things just went out of hand.

Later on, I felt bad about it, then I say sorry to him,

and he'll accept my apology.

A few days later, I'll have another episode.

It turned into a vicious cycle.

And then I said, "This isn't right."

My most rock bottom was when I started to punch walls and kick doors.

My energy was so dark.

It was at its limit.

- It was overflowing. - Your husband is so understanding.

He was so patient and he was the one who really encouraged me to do therapy.

But at first, of course, I was in denial

because here in our country, when you say therapy,

it means there's something wrong with you, that you're a little crazy.

Cuckoo.

Cuckoo, yes.

At that time, I said, "No, no, I don't need it."

I keep insisting.

And then when I started having adult tantrums-

It's really my inner child.

Yes.

It's my inner child wanting attention.

Not getting what you want.

And assurance that whatever happened to me in my childhood,

it's not happening again in the present.

The reason why I got irritated and I exploded was because when I get triggered,

it reminds me of a trauma in my past.

My body was defending itself.

We are designed to defend ourselves from threats.

Yes.

That becomes your defense mechanism?

I'd explode, get enraged, and then walk out.

It was your husband who suggested to do therapy.

Yes.

What came out of your therapy?

Oh, wow.

He told me that I currently have a mental health condition

known as complex post-traumatic stress disorder or CPTSD.

And when I found out, I said, "Wow."

I was so thankful when I knew that because now I can do my research.

I wasn't sad when I knew I had a mental health problem.

I was really hesitant to go to therapy at first, also to a psychiatrist--

Because my therapist was a psychiatrist.

I was scared at first because I didn't want to take any medication.

I was heavily hooked on alcohol before

and my party lifestyle.

So, I didn't want to depend on medications as much as possible.

Knowing also my dad's personality who's addicted,

which I also inherited,

I did not want to be dependent.

Not that I have anything against medications and people who take medications.

I understand that some people really need it but me personally,

if I were to choose,

I want to heal as naturally as possible.

And that's what I wanted to ask my therapist, how to do that.

So when she told me that I had complex post traumatic stress disorder,

I started reading books about it, to do my research,

and started doing all the steps that I could do to help myself heal.

Is there a reason why people turn out that way?

Where did you get that?

So when I was doing therapy,

I was regular for about two months already,

was the time when we figured out what my mental health condition really was

so my doctor and I knew the details and what I've been through.

Personally, I don't want to share about the details because I feel that I don't have to,

what I can share is that complex post-traumatic stress disorder

usually begins in childhood.

It happens in interpersonal relationships.

Meaning?

Between people who are closely related.

Family?

Family, cousins, or workmates.

Someone that you spend a lot of time and energy with.

That energy can get passed on and could grow into co-dependent relationships.

The different examples of

causes of complex post-traumatic stress disorder are types of abuse.

Emotional, psychological, sexual abuse.

It could also be neglect.

Growing up feeling like you were not wanted by your parents.

Your parents don't give you enough attention.

Sometimes, parents tend to just keep working and give financial support.

There's no emotional availability.

That's what happens.

The kids end up having trauma.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder

or CPTSD starts from childhood and it grows with you.

That's intense.

It's layers upon layers of trauma.

And it varies.

Other causes of complex post-traumatic stress disorder is bullying.

So when you go to school and there's someone who keeps bullying you,

that would also traumatize the kids.

So you had your own share of...

I had my own share and also, when I lost my dad.

Losing a loved one is also a form of trauma.

And then it piles up.

Pain after pain.

Fear, depression, anxiety, and then I'd explode.

It makes so much sense.

It really explains so much that's why I'm so grateful

to my husband and mother-in-law, Millet Martinez Mananquil.

Hello, mom.

She was the one who really gave me the contact of my therapist.

When I found out about that, that really changed my life.

It changed my world.

How did it change you?

It really made me more mindful, more aware.

So for me, if not for this mental health condition, I wouldn't have gone this deep

into my center, my core.

I'm so grateful.

I got to know myself better.

I became more aware, mindful and compassionate.

That's what I've been wanting to learn Toni,

I've been wanting to learn how to love

because I didn't really know how to love.

I know how to say it, to show it through my actions,

but to actually love,

real genuine love,

I only learned it when I started doing my therapy, yoga, meditation, connecting to God.

I feel like, the reason why can’t fully express your love…

is because you haven't loved yourself yet.

Exactly.

So you cannot love another person if you don't love yourself.

You have to come in with your cup full.

What's in the cup is yours.

What overflows is for you.

Yes.

Right?

It's not being selfish.

No.

You're nourishing yourself so you can give to others.

And the reason why I was jumping from one relationship to the next,

because I was looking for it in external factors.

I was looking for it outside of me.

But it's not.

No.

It's inside and it's always been with you.

Right?

That's why I'm so grateful for my mental health conditions because

it really brought me closer to God.

There's nothing else to cling to.

He was the only one who really

- showed me the way. - When was that moment?

In meditation.

He speaks to you?

I really hear Him.

I hear Him say, "My child..."

He talks to me.

Me, I choose to meditate on my breath.

So I keep connecting to my breath.

Breathing.

So focused.

When thoughts come to distract me, I go back to my breath.

And then one day, while I was meditating, I was deep into it,

I realized that my breath is such a beautiful gift

and I used to take it for granted.

And now, it sustains me so much.

It makes me feel so alive.

And then I realized, "Where does my breath come from?"

From God.

He's the one who makes me breathe.

That's why when I listen to my breath, I know that I'm listening to Him.

It just makes so much sense.

What was that one message that you heard from Him

when you were meditating?

He speaks to me everyday.

Like one day, He would tell me,

"Use what I gave you."

Or like, "You're on the right path."

The words just come to me.

When I would meditate, and when I finish, I start praying and talking to Him.

It just happened naturally.

I really believe that the dark phase that I went through,

the darkest period of my life, was meant for me to find my light.

And my light is my soul.

So the dark times in our lives, it's okay.

It really helps.

You were in Bali for a year.

I was in Bali for a year and I really believe God put me there for a reason.

Because?

When I was in Bali, my intention before coming to Bali,

I went there with the intention of healing my anxiety,

my stress, and my mental health.

So when I arrived there on February 29, eventually in March 15, the lockdown happened.

I was in the middle of a yoga teacher training.

But I said, "You know what, this is the perfect opportunity to practice surrender."

Because one cause of anxiety,

for me personally, is wanting to control everything.

Because when you have control,

there's a guarantee that everything's okay.

We don't want to have problems.

That's our ego.

Exactly.

We shouldn't listen to our ego.

Our ego can be a healthy partner or tool.

Devil's advocate.

Exactly.

But we shouldn't be controlled by it.

Before I started doing yoga and therapy,

before, I used to have negative thoughts.

So, it's energy.

When you are negative inside,

then the universe will keep giving you the negative energy also.

But when I was in alignment with my energy, really tapping into it, and focusing,

that's when the universe started responding more positively.

So what I believe in, God, universe, energy, nature--

I believe in that too because God is nature as well.

What I really believe in is kindness.

That's what we need.

It's like the book we're reading now.

I'm in that chapter of this book called, "Untethered Soul"

It says there: "You're not really changing."

"You are becoming the person

you're always meant to be."

Exactly.

And that's what happened to you.

Yes.

I feel that it is my calling to use my platform

to speak about these things that I've been learning.

Because I feel that my journey is also to help others

because I feel that everything has a purpose.

Before, I'd only post for the sake of posting.

Toni, especially when Twitter was at its peak,

I tweeted about every little thing that happens to me.

Everything, every detail.

Because it's excess energy.

Energy that wants to be released but could not be released properly,

because I wasn't aware yet.

But now that I'm more in tune with my energy,

I used to think of it as healing but now,

thanks to my friend Anna, a Filipina-German who is based in Bali,

she inspired me to see healing not as a bad thing.

I used to think of healing as something that

I was doing from a place of shame and brokenness.

But then she said to me,

"You know what, we were never broken to begin with."

"Healing is actually remembering who you really are."

"Taking away the layers, shadows, distractions, veil of ignorance."

That's it.

Healing is just remembering your soul.

Going back to your soul.

Meeting your soul again.

Exactly.

I'm a big advocate of mental health.

I really believe we should speak more about it, more openly.

That we should talk about it just like how we talk about physical health

because it's the same.

For me, it's even more important because our body is our tool.

Our mind is also our control center.

We should look out for that even more.

But in our world today, we give so much more importance to how we look.

That's not our fault.

It really is like that these days.

Some people, they relate more to that.

But me, I find that we need to take care of what's happening underneath the surface.

And that's our mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

That's when I realized that, "This is why I'd always have problems."

I was too fixated on the external.

I was like, "I need to achieve more."

You know what, Toni, in showbiz,

if you don't get as much jobs as you do before,

"I'm losing my fame."

You allow it to define you.

You allow it to affect you.

But really, no.

I really believe what's meant for me is meant for me.

The blessing that God gives me is what I'm supposed to get.

And I pray about it everyday.

I say, "Lord, please bless me with work that aligns with my values."

So when you asked me to be a guest here, I said,

"It's amazing."

It's meant to be.

It's amazing because I really wanted to share my journey so I can help.

That's it.

If I could help even just one person, I'd be very glad already.

So that they'd know they're not alone.

Where are you now in your healing journey?

Are you fully healed?

Are you getting there?

So right now, I'm at a point in my life

where I just choose to hold myself with compassion and gentleness.

No pressure, just go with the flow knowing that I'm doing my best.

Because I am.

I know that I'm putting in the work.

I understand now the saying, "God sends His grace where people’s efforts end."

That's why I was so lost before, I wasn't doing what I was supposed to.

You know what, while I was listening to you,

I'm getting this energy that you're living in gratitude.

Yes.

Gratitude is really a super power.

It's really my foundation.

You have a tattoo "Be love".

Yes.

When did you get that?

Before I left for Manila, going back home.

Why did you put that tattoo, "Be love"?

The phrase "Be love" is how I will learn to be more loving and compassionate.

If I remind myself not just to say or do acts of love, but to actually be it.

And what is love?

It is accepting everything.

Not judging others.

Looking at them with compassion.

Being kind to the unkind.

They are the ones who need kindness the most.

I wanted to actually be love.

That's why I want to be that kind of human for everyone in the world today.