our conception of love is messed up.

Summary

The video script explores the nature of love, questioning whether it's a passive experience or an active art requiring effort and knowledge. It critiques common online beliefs about relationships and emphasizes the importance of giving love rather than seeking to be loved. The script also discusses the influence of hyperreal media on our perceptions of love and the overuse of 'red flags' in relationships, advocating for genuine communication and self-love as foundations for healthy romantic connections.

Takeaways

• 💡 The video explores the concept of love as an art that requires knowledge and effort, contrasting it with the common belief that love is a passive, chance-driven experience.
• 🎨 It criticizes the modern perception of love, where people consume media about love but rarely consider the idea that love itself might need to be learned and practiced.
• 🤔 The speaker expresses frustration with certain internet trends, such as the focus on 'red flags' and 'standards' in relationships, which can lead to unnecessary scrutiny and doubt.
• 🌱 The script introduces Eric Fromm's 'The Art of Loving' as a foundational text, arguing that love should be approached as an active skill, not just a passive feeling.
• 🔄 Fromm's analogy of the 'personality market' is used to critique the commodification of individuals in the pursuit of love, where people try to increase their 'market value' to be more desirable.
• 👫 The video emphasizes that love should be about giving and nurturing, rather than receiving, challenging the traditional narrative where men are often seen as givers and women as receivers.
• 🌳 The script mentions Wren, a website for calculating and offsetting carbon footprints, as part of a sponsorship, highlighting the importance of environmental consciousness.
• 🎭 It discusses the concept of 'hyperreality' and how it affects our perceptions of love, suggesting that our expectations are often based on unrealistic portrayals from media rather than real-life experiences.
• 🚫 The video warns against the overuse of the term 'red flags', advocating for discernment and understanding that not all dislikes or preferences are deal breakers.
• 💌 The importance of communication in relationships is stressed, as is the idea that love should be a two-way street of mutual giving and understanding.
• 💎 The script concludes by encouraging viewers to focus on practicing love as an art, building self-love, and being aware of the influence of hyperreal media on our expectations of love.

Q & A

What is the main premise of the book discussed in the video?

The main premise of the book is that love is an active endeavor that requires knowledge and effort, rather than a passive experience that one stumbles upon by chance.

Why does the speaker express frustration with the way romantic relationships are portrayed online?

The speaker is frustrated because they believe that online content often promotes superficial and unrealistic expectations of love, and that it encourages people to focus on being loved rather than on how to love.

What is the connection made between love and art in the video?

The connection made is that love, like art, requires practice, dedication, and faith. It is an active process that one must engage in, rather than a passive state that one falls into.

What is the 'personality market' concept mentioned in the script?

The 'personality market' concept refers to the idea that people try to make themselves as lovable as possible to be chosen by others in the dating world, treating themselves as commodities to be exchanged based on social value and desirability.

How does the video relate love to consumerism and social value?

The video suggests that in a consumerist culture, love is often treated as a commodity to be acquired, with people focusing on increasing their social value to become more desirable in the 'personality market' of dating.

What is the main argument against the 'if he wanted to, he would' mindset presented in the video?

The main argument against this mindset is that it sets unrealistic expectations for partners to know what is wanted without communication and can lead to misunderstandings and missed opportunities for genuine connection.

What does the video suggest about the role of communication in relationships?

The video suggests that communication is crucial in relationships. It argues against the idea that partners should automatically know what the other wants and emphasizes the importance of expressing needs and desires openly.

How does the video discuss the concept of 'giving' in the context of love?

The video discusses 'giving' as an essential part of love, suggesting that it does not necessarily require sacrifice and can be a powerful way to combat existential loneliness by sharing one's personhood with another.

What is the criticism of the overuse of the term 'red flags' in the video?

The criticism is that the term 'red flags' has been overused and misused to describe minor preferences or dislikes, rather than significant deal breakers that indicate a relationship may not be healthy or suitable.

How does the video relate love to hyperreality and the influence of media?

The video suggests that our conceptions of love are often shaped by hyperreal portrayals in media, which can create unrealistic expectations and standards that do not reflect the complexities and nuances of real-life relationships.

What is the final message or call to action in the video regarding love and relationships?

The final message is a call to focus more on how to love others, build self-love, and avoid being misled by unrealistic displays of love presented in media, emphasizing the need for a more active and thoughtful approach to love.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Active vs. Passive Nature of Love

The script begins by questioning whether love is an art that requires knowledge and effort or a mere pleasant sensation that occurs by chance. It criticizes the prevalent belief that love is passive and argues for an active approach to love, citing Eric Fromm's 'The Art of Loving'. The narrator expresses frustration with common internet beliefs about relationships and introduces the concept that love should be an active participation rather than a passive state. The video's sponsorship by Wren, a platform for calculating and offsetting carbon footprint, is also mentioned.

05:03

💼 Love as a Commodity in the 'Personality Market'

This paragraph delves into the concept of love as a commodity within the 'personality market', where individuals try to increase their market value to be more desirable. It discusses how societal values and expectations shape people's behaviors in the dating world, drawing parallels with modern capitalism. The script challenges the idea that adherence to these values necessarily makes someone a better partner and emphasizes the importance of focusing on the act of loving rather than on being loved.

10:09

🎨 Love as an Art Form Requiring Practice and Dedication

The script emphasizes that love should be viewed as an art form that requires constant practice, dedication, and faith, similar to learning to play an instrument or paint. It critiques the common belief that love is intuitive and does not need to be learned, highlighting the importance of treating love as an active verb rather than a passive noun. The paragraph also discusses the societal focus on self-improvement post-breakup and the misconception that love is about receiving rather than giving.

15:12

💖 The True Meaning of Giving in Love

This paragraph explores the idea of giving in love, arguing against the notion that giving equates to sacrifice. It suggests that giving love, which includes sharing one's interests, emotions, and passions, is a way to combat existential loneliness and experience one's own strength. The script also addresses the heterosexual dynamic where men are often seen as the givers and women as the receivers, urging a shift towards a more reciprocal understanding of love.

20:14

🌐 Hyperreality and the Illusion of Perfect Love

The script discusses the concept of hyperreality, using the example of the film 'Apocalypse Now' to illustrate how media can create a more 'real' version of events than reality itself. It applies this concept to love, arguing that societal and media-driven expectations of love often overshadow genuine, authentic relationships. The paragraph criticizes the pressure to perform in relationships based on unrealistic standards and the tendency to measure love by material gifts.

25:17

🚫 Overuse of 'Red Flags' and the Importance of Communication

The final paragraph addresses the overuse of the term 'red flags' in relationships, emphasizing that while it's important to be aware of genuine warning signs, the term has been misused to justify ending relationships over minor preferences or misunderstandings. The script advocates for clear communication and the importance of not letting social media or external influences dictate the course of one's relationship. It concludes by encouraging viewers to focus on how to love others and build self-love, rather than being misled by unrealistic portrayals of love.

Keywords

💡Love

Love in the context of this video is explored as both an art and a complex emotional experience. It is defined as an active process requiring effort and knowledge rather than a passive sensation that happens by chance. The video challenges the common belief that love is something that simply finds you and emphasizes the need for active participation in nurturing relationships.

💡Passive Love

Passive love refers to the concept that love is a state that exists independently, waiting for individuals to fall into it. In the video, this idea is contrasted with active love, where the speaker argues against the passive approach, suggesting that love requires engagement and effort from the individuals involved.

💡Active Love

Active love is the notion that love requires participation and effort to bring about, as opposed to being a passive experience. The video emphasizes this concept, drawing on Eric Fromm's 'The Art of Loving,' which likens love to an art form that necessitates practice, dedication, and faith.

💡Carbon Footprint

The term 'carbon footprint' is introduced in the context of the video's sponsorship by Wren, a platform that calculates and helps reduce an individual's environmental impact. It is used to illustrate the importance of being proactive in areas beyond love, such as environmental responsibility.

💡Hyperreality

Hyperreality, as explained by Jean Baudrillard and discussed in the video, is a state where simulations of reality (such as in films or TV shows) are more real to us than the actual reality. The video uses this concept to critique the unrealistic expectations of love that are often shaped by media portrayals, which can distort our understanding of genuine love.

💡Personality Market

The 'personality market' is a concept where individuals commodify themselves to become more desirable in the dating world. The video criticizes this notion, suggesting that it reduces people to commodities and detracts from the genuine act of loving.

💡Red Flags

In the video, 'red flags' are described as intuitive warnings signaling that something is amiss in a relationship. The term is contextualized as indicators of potential deal breakers, but the video also warns against overusing the term for minor preferences or misunderstandings.

💡Self-Love

Self-love is highlighted as a crucial component for a healthy understanding of love in relationships. The video suggests that having a strong sense of self-love can help individuals maintain a clear perspective on their relationships and not be swayed by unrealistic societal expectations.

💡Communication

Communication is emphasized as a vital aspect of love and relationships in the video. It is presented as a necessary tool for expressing needs and desires, rather than expecting partners to intuitively know what is wanted without being told.

💡Material Gifts

Material gifts are discussed in the context of expressing love, but the video challenges the notion that love should be equated with the giving and receiving of physical items. It advocates for a deeper understanding of love that goes beyond material expressions.

💡Existential Loneliness

Existential loneliness is mentioned as a human condition that love can help alleviate. The video suggests that the act of giving love, rather than focusing on being loved, can provide a sense of fulfillment and combat feelings of isolation.

Highlights

The video explores the nature of love as either a passive experience or an active effort, challenging the common belief that love is something that happens by chance.

It critiques the modern perception of love, suggesting that people are more focused on consuming love stories than learning about love itself.

The video discusses the 'personality market' concept, where individuals try to make themselves more lovable to attract partners, drawing parallels with consumerism.

Eric Fromm's 'The Art of Loving' is referenced, emphasizing the need for active participation in love rather than passively waiting for it.

The video challenges the idea that love is solely about receiving, advocating for love as an active art form that involves giving and nurturing.

It addresses the misconception that love is intuitive and does not require learning or practice, likening it to mastering an art or skill.

The transcript criticizes the overuse of the term 'red flags' in relationships, urging viewers to reserve it for genuine deal breakers rather than minor preferences.

The video discusses the impact of social media on relationship expectations, cautioning against comparing real-life relationships with hyperreal portrayals on screens.

The importance of self-love is highlighted as a means to combat insecurities and unrealistic expectations in relationships.

The video touches on the societal pressure to conform to certain relationship tropes and the harm it can cause to individuality within a relationship.

It emphasizes the need for communication in relationships, rather than expecting partners to know desires without being told.

The transcript discusses the unrealistic expectations set by commercialized holidays like Valentine's Day and the pressure they place on relationships.

The video calls for a reevaluation of what love means, advocating for a more active and less consumer-driven approach to relationships.

It concludes by encouraging viewers to focus on how to love others better and to build self-love to avoid being misled by unrealistic portrayals of love.

Transcripts

This video is sponsored by Wren.

Is love in art? Then it requires knowledge, and  effort. Or is love a pleasant sensation, which to  

experience is a matter of chance... something one  falls into if one is lucky? This little book is  

based on the former premise, while undoubtedly the  majority of people today believe in the latter.

not that people think that love is not important. They are starved for it. They watch endless numbers  

of films and happy and unhappy love stories. They  listen to hundreds of trashy songs about love. Yet  

hardly anyone thinks that there's anything that  needs to be learned about love. Scrolling through  

posts about romantic relationships nowadays, I kind  of hate it. Not because I'm a cynic or I find PDA

to be cringy. In fact, I love, love. I think it should  be central to the way we live our lives. But there  

are several beliefs about romantic relationships  that i see commonly floating around on the  

internet that bug me. There's the "if you wanted  to he would" group, the "never settle" advocates,

the constant talk about "red flags" and "standards" and letting random strangers on TikTok make you  

question your healthy relationship. "You don't find  that suspicious... you don't find that suspicious??"

As a preface, I'll probably talk more so  about things I see and hear from straight  

women since that's what I identify as. But the  fundamental concepts that I talk about for love do  

apply to all romantic relationships, regardless  of gender or sexuality. Before I get to specific  

content I see online, let's talk about two broader  questions. Is love passive or active? In other words,  

is love a state that exists independently and is  waiting for us to fall into, or does it require  

our participation and effort to bring about? Two, is  our conception of love grounded in anything real,

or are we comparing our relationships to hyper  real love? Now we can't love if we're all dead  

from climate change, right? Smooth segway into a  sponsorship... I know... Well i'm here to briefly talk  

about Wren. Wren is a website where you can take  a short quiz to calculate your carbon footprint  

and find ways to reduce it. They have multiple  carbon reduction projects that you can help  

fund such as tree planting, mineral  weathering, and rainforest protection.  

Once you sign up to make a monthly contribution  to offset your carbon footprint, you receive  

monthly updates about the projects you support.  You get to see what your money is spent on with  

photos and details of every tree planted, every  acre reforested, and every ton of carbon offset.  

Check out the link in the description box for  more info. The first 100 people who sign up using  

my link will have 10 extra trees planted in their  name! Thank you again, Wren for sponsoring this video.

Okay, so first, is love passive or active? Based on  the quote I recited at the beginning of the video,

you can probably guess that I believe love is  active. I want to be clear, a lot of the things  

that I will be saying in this section of the video  can be found in Eric Fromm's the Art of Loving.  

It was written in 1956, so obviously some of the  things are outdated but I still feel as though a  

lot of it is applicable to present day. See Fromm notices that most people view love through a  

passive lens. Love is somehow out there waiting  for us to stumble upon. You hear phrases such  

as "true love comes to those who wait" "do not chase  love. It will just find you when the time is right"

and so people focus on making themselves as  lovable as possible rather than loving.

Fromm likens dating to modern capitalism, modern capitalism  works on the premise of mutually beneficial  

exchange. I buy your product and you get my money. To participate in the dating world is to place  

yourself in what Fromm calls the personality market. You try to make yourself as lovable as possible  

which is really dependent on the time period  and culture. For a long time, the dream man was  

ambitious, physically strong, a protector. But now  there's a lot more demand for men who crochet and  

will cry into our shoulders. A lot of people also  try to make themselves lovable for certain types  

of people. For example, if Person 1 wants a goth  tiddy gf and Person 2 wants a computer science  

boy, they're probably going to dress differently  and get well versed in different talking points.

But by then, they've already become selective about  which market they're putting themselves out onto.

They are already deciding what kind of love should  come their way and so really love becomes what  

will satisfy your desire to not be lonely. Fromm  compares this self-interested search for a partner  

to a bargain, because you can almost think of it  like a graph. You have fallen in love when you  

find the optimal sweet spot between social value  and desire for you. This strategical exchange  

doesn't really treat people as people. Instead , we become commodities on this personality market  

and we're all trying to increase our market value  by adhering to what others want. I know a lot of  

straight women are happy and think it's quite  progressive that more straight men are moving  

from a Alpha gymbro lifestyle, to adopting more  nerdy soft or feminine traits. I see so many  

comments being like "Oh, men are finally listening  to what women want!" And don't get me wrong,

I definitely prefer the latter type of men as well, but should we really be happy about this? Like the  

men are just adhering to changing social values  to be more desirable on this personality market.

But is a man who is traditionally masculine  necessarily a worse lover than a man written  

by a woman? Instead of congratulating people  for becoming a better commodity to soothe our  

awareness of our existential loneliness, why do we  not focus on loving itself? This is what I mean by  

passive versus active conceptions of love. Someone  who thinks of love passively asks "How do I become

loved? Someone who thinks of love actively asks  "How do I love?" When relationships end, people tend  

to focus on how to improve their lovability by  working out, getting their hair done, buying new  

clothes, advancing their career as exemplified  by post-breakup glow-up videos on Youtube.  

"I'm gonna have a post-breakup glow-up, basically just  doing my hair and makeup." "So we're going to get my  

hair done, I'm going to self tan. We're going to  whiten my teeth, we're going to do a face mask  

exfoliate, wax my eyebrows, wax my upper lip, shave, do a full face of makeup. Hopefully put extensions in,

get my nails done, get my toes done, we're gonna do the most." And yes, I know people often claim  

that these transformations are for self-love  and not others but I'm highly suspicious of  

how changing so much of your physical appearance  is self-love. Sure you will feel more confident,  

but it's because you now feel more desirable to  others. We're always so concerned with being loved  

I know it's a popular joke for people to comment  things like "throwing myself off of the empire  

state building" or "eating glass for breakfast" under happy couple posts and it's funny, okay,

don't get me wrong. But it's funny because we feel  that there is a level of truth to it. Seeing other  

people in happy relationships prompts us to feel  sad or slightly jealous that we are not being  

loved enough. Rarely do they ever make us think  about how we can improve as a lover and maybe help  

bring that kind of love into our lives. We seem to  take our concept of love itself for granted. Most  

people assume that love is just intuitively  known and it does not need to be learned.

Everyone will just naturally know what it is. But this stems from the problem of treating love  

as an object, a noun, a feeling something that just  happens to us. Fromm and also Bell Hooks (RIP queen)

say we need to shift our perspective  and understand love as an activity. Fromm actually  

calls love an art, and just like being good at any  art such as playing an instrument, dancing, painting,

it requires constant practice, dedication, and faith. Just as how you can't be a good piano player by  

only playing when you feel like it, you can't be  good at love if you only choose to love when it is  

convenient and enjoyable for you. Fromm also says  that an art requires faith. When you practice an  

art, and you run into a difficult skill rather than  give up because it's hard. You have to have faith  

in eventually succeeding and dedicate effort  to that art until you succeed. The same is with  

love. I'll get more into this later on with the  overuse of the term "red flags" but i feel like  

people start to doubt their whole relationship  just because they saw one random person on TikTok

say something. Of course, if there's constant  cheating, lying, abuse, etc. These are clear signs  

to leave. Wiring our brains to think about love as  something active rather than passive is actually  

really helpful in separating love from abuse  and dishonesty. I want to read a passage from  

Bell Hooks All About Love that I really like. To  begin by always thinking of love as an action  

rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone  using the word in this manner, automatically  

assumes accountability and responsibility. We  are often taught we have no control over our  

feelings, yet most of us accept that we choose our  actions. That intention and will inform what we do.

We also accept that our actions have consequences. To think of actions shaping feelings is one way  

we rid ourselves of conventionally accepted  assumptions, such as that one simply falls in  

love without exercising will or choice, that  there are such things as "crimes of passion"

i.e., "he killed her because he loved her so much". If we  were constantly remembering that love is as love  

does, we would not use the word in a manner  that devalues and degrades its meaning.

I think that most importantly when you work on an  art, creating a wonderful result is what leaves you  

with fulfillment, right? For instance, by finishing  a beautiful painting, an artist bestows meaning  

upon their life because the painting, as a product  of the artist's efforts, reflects their incredible  

abilities back onto themselves. The artist realizes  that they are the reason why this canvas is so  

beautiful. Thus, love is to nurture the flourishing  of someone else and you recognize your own worth  

through their flourishing. If we treat love as  an active art rather than a thing, love is about  

giving rather than receiving. A lot of people think  that giving equals sacrifice and that's why it's  

so honorable to do it. But Fromm says that giving does not have to require us sacrificing anything .

When done for the sake of giving, and not some  other goal, giving is actually the best way  

to combat our existential loneliness. When  you give you experience your own strength,  

energy, and aliveness. This is true when you  give anything such as giving money or giving  

food to your children. But this is especially  true in giving love because when you give  

love, you give all the things that make up you. Your interests, your emotions, your passions your  

knowledge... quote "he enhances the other's sense of  aliveness by enhancing his own sense of aliveness."

Sadly, in heterosexual relationships I still think  this idea of the man being the giver and the  

woman being the receiver is present, and a lot of  women happily endorse this idea because it's nice  

and easy to be the receiver. My man should ask me  to be his Valentine. He should be giving me flowers.

My man should be doing this and that for me. I see  this sentiment get worse because of social media,  

portraying perfect images of people's boyfriends. You know, the ones where a girl shows off all the  

sweet things her boyfriend does for her and the  comments are filled with stuff like "my standards  

just got higher" "why doesn't my boyfriend do this for me" "if he wanted to he would" Again, the dominant  

narrative here is that love equals being loved, which equals getting stuff. Of course, it feels  

nice to receive things and it's important to have  a lover that gives things as symbols of love. But  

ladies, basing love on what you receive makes love  a passive commodity. You gotta focus on love as an  

action and give back. And giving love is not about  giving material objects, it's about giving you as  

a person. Sharing your thoughts, your humor, your  joy, and your sadness. That's what giving love is.

One of the most loving couples i've come across  are Hannah and Shane. They talk about how so many  

people pity Hannah as some poor sacrificial  giver because they think she just gives without  

receiving things we typically associate with love  back such as traditional forms of pleasure. "One  

time a woman who, uh, asked if I was shane's cousin. And he said no this is my girlfriend. And she  

like, came up to me and took my  hands began to cry. And was like, that  

that's the most beautiful thing I've ever  heard, like, you're an angel. Which was super  

uncomfortable, because that insinuates that I'm an  angel because Shane is a terrible choice.

People wonder why Hannah, who has high social value as a  pretty woman would partake in this unfair exchange.

It goes back to this dominant idea of love  being finding the best bargain on the market. But  

Shane and Hannah don't care about this  dominant conception of love. They love  

each other because they give their personhood  to each other and they love the person they each  

are without primarily focused on what's in it for  them. At this point, maybe you're like "Okay Oivia,

good job on becoming the most idealistic lover  girl with zero connection to reality! As romantic

as giving for the sake of giving sounds, without  care about receiving material gifts, we all want  

to feel loved. Doing the loving is so much effort  and I'm too insecure to not crave being loved! Plus  

you can't just erase the value that material  gifts have in our capitalist culture." And to  

all that, I say, you are right. You are a hundred  percent right, you got me, which is why proper  

loving is counter culture. It's near impossible  because it's so opposed to how current culture  

is. How can I focus on giving when I'm  surrounded by people on social media  

showing off what they receive? When our culture  is so based on consumerism, on who has what, and  

obviously I'm going to be obsessed with increasing  my social value when that's how I'm constantly  

judged... How can I dedicate that much time  to practicing love as in art when society  

tells me there are other important things to do? Like having a good career? I need to  

spend time on school and work so I only have  time to practice love on a select number of  

people. And for all these reasons that's why  I say our conception of love is messed up.

According to Jean Baudrillard, we interact  more with what he calls hyper reality than  

reality itself. To explain what hyperreality  is, I think it's best to just dive into one  

of Baudrillard's examples. Consider the movie  "Apocalypse Now", a film about the Vietnam War.

The acting, the special effects, the sets, the  editing, everything about the film is made so  

that when we watch it on our screen it feels as  real as possible. Heck, it becomes more real than  

the real war. Most of our understanding of the real  Vietnam War comes from brief video clips online,  

some news articles documenting the big highlights. Maybe a speech from some politician. But we have no  

real experience of the real Vietnam War. And the  little bits and pieces we get from the news is  

an extremely watered-down version of the war. They  tell us how many people died, shows short clips of  

soldiers fighting, and innocent residents harmed.  But what about the thousands of stories that go  

unheard? The film "Apocalypse Now" ends up actually  feeling more real than the real war. When people  

talk about the Vietnam War, they picture scenes  from the movie rather than the actual war. The  

media that was originally an imitation of reality  ends up being more real, thus hyperreal. The hyperreal

was originally a copy of something real. But then we start to interact with the hyperreal

more than reality, and so new forms of media  end up imitating hyperreality rather than reality.

It becomes a loop of copies, copying copies,  copying copies, until our lives are looking  

at copies of copies of copies. I believe Stephen  West from Philosophize This! gave an example of  

how TV shows originally drew inspiration from real  people in real lives, but over time new TV shows  

became inspired by past TV shows. Creating shows  that are now completely detached from reality.

For instance, How I met your mother or Friends,  comes out and we in real life start to frame what  

happens to us in relation to these TV shows. We  create character tropes all the time, that we then  

form our real relationships around. Such as people  saying, "I want to be just like Lily and Marshall or  

Monica and Chandler." We see people have magical  love at first sight moments on screen and then  

build expectations of having the same magical  feeling in real life. "I would be forever wed..."  

The imaginary dictates reality. These expectations  and tropes constrain us in thinking love needs to  

be a certain way, or that if we start off as  the hyper girlfriend, calm boyfriend trope we  

need to maintain that trope. But the thing is,  these expectations and tropes are not based in  

reality. Now how does everything we've talked about  apply to common phrases online? Let's start with  

"if he wanted to he would". Two things about this  mindset bother me. One, it builds the expectation  

that our partners, specifically men, should know  what to do and know what we want without us  

communicating it. Two, as many people have pointed  out it's literally contradictory. Girls say "if he  

wanted to he would" and so they don't tell their  man what they want because he should just do  

it if he wants to, but then if guys had the same  mindset then they would not make the first move  

either because they're thinking "if she wanted  to, she would." And so no one would do anything.

Also, sometimes people want to do things but are  not sure if they should are scared, anxious, shy

or maybe they value your input. Which I really  hope they do. Communication is so, so important.  

If you truly love someone, you would not base your  partner's worth on whether they give you exactly  

what you want. You would care about how much  you're giving them and whether you're both having  

a reciprocal relationship. Before Valentine's  Day, I saw quite a few TikToks talking about  

how women in heterosexual relationships should  wait to see if their man does something romantic  

for them without saying anything, or if you do say  something you should only mention it once. If your  

man doesn't do anything or forgets that thing you  had said once, it's a sign to end the relationship.

"And they know that it's important to you,  you would only have had to say it once, right?

Because if they loved you they would remember  things that were important to you and it would be  

important to them too. Move in silence on  Valentine's Day. Don't say anything. Hide the gift  

you're getting them, hide the things that you're  doing for them, not in a manipulative way. Just wait. 

If you walk away from that day disappointed, feeling unappreciated, feeling alone, feeling like  

they're right. it's just a day. It's commercialized. It doesn't mean anything. They show me they  

love me every day, so it doesn't really  matter. And I do care about them and I do...

Stop, okay." The thing that bugged me the most is  that these TikToks would say, even if he shows  

you that he loves you every other day, if he misses  the mark on this one commercialized, arbitrary day,  

then sorry he clearly doesn't love you. There is  so much concern around what can my man do for me, 

can he meet my standards, that this one day can  determine the trajectory of the rest of your  

relationship? I know it's different for everyone,  maybe your boyfriend has amazing memory and grew  

up in a loving environment. But for my boyfriend and I, we both have a lot going on in our lives  

And so it's unreasonable to expect us to remember  something someone said once. Just because I forget  

that he wanted a poke bowl today for dinner, does not mean he's not important to me. My  

boyfriend also grew up in a household without much  celebratory spirit. He didn't receive gifts for  

his Birthday, for Christmas. Him and his friends  never even exchange gifts on special occasions  

and so is it really fair for me to judge his  love based on what he gives me if he has never  

been taught to give material gifts? Even as I'm  saying this i understand how hard it can be to  

not let these little things affect you. We are  surrounded by people who post picture perfect  

moments of their relationship and it constantly  makes us fixate on how good the love we receive is.  

We are convinced that we should never settle, that  there is some person out there who will give us a  

love as perfect as the ones we see in films and  TV shows. I experience this sometimes too, um, okay  

that was a lie. I actually experience this all the  time. One of my greatest fears is not being loved,

so honestly this whole video is almost like  a lecture to myself. I've definitely got a lot  

to work on in the realm of love, so please don't  think I feel superior to everyone because Iam not  

but that's why it's important to have a good  level of self-love. So that you can squash  

paranoid worries about not being loved enough and  judge your relationship with a more clear head. And  

remember that these movies are not real, they are  hyperreal. The love on your TV screen looks more  

perfect and more real than reality, so it makes  you crave that hyperreality. But it is a mere copy.

"Red flags" is another term that has gained immense  popularity. I think it is absolutely important to  

watch out for red flags in a relationship but  this term has gotten overused. People watch a  

15 second clip online and suddenly everyone's  got a psychology degree. Here's how author Kim  

Baker defined red flags. Red flags are whispers  from our intuition that something isn't quite  

right. A red flag is that sinking feeling we get in  our stomachs when something bad happens. There are  

slivers of evidence usually showing up early on,  that this relationship is not the right one for us.

A red flag warns that deal breakers are headed our  way. Now I want to place emphasis on deal breakers,

something that we absolutely cannot tolerate or is  too much effort to fix. Conversely, not knowing how  

to cook or having a perm is not a red flag. That's  just called "not your preference". Don't let random  

strangers who know nothing about your relationship  control you and tell you what is a red flag. I hope  

we all dedicate more time to thinking about how  to love others, how to build self-love, and avoid  

letting hyperreal displays of love mislead us. You can like and sub, if you want. Leave a comment  

if you want. Thank you so much for watching, let's  keep talking and I hope to hear from you soon. Bye!!

Captions by Julia M.