How to ask for help -- and get a "yes" | Heidi Grant

Summary

This talk explores why asking for help feels so uncomfortable—and how to do it better. The speaker explains that people often assume others can sense their needs, but research shows help usually comes only after explicit requests. Effective asking means being clear and specific about what you need and why, avoiding excessive apologies or incentives that make help feel transactional, and making requests in person rather than by text or email. Finally, following up to show the impact of someone’s help makes helping feel rewarding, increasing the chances they’ll support you again in the future.

Takeaways

• 😀 Asking for help is a common fear, but it's something everyone experiences. It's a vital skill for personal and professional growth.
• 😀 People often believe that others can read their minds, but the truth is, you need to ask directly for help as your needs are not always obvious.
• 😀 Being specific when asking for help is crucial. Vague requests can make it hard for others to know how to assist you effectively.
• 😀 Apologies and disclaimers like 'I'm so sorry to bother you' can make others feel uncomfortable. Instead, focus on the need for assistance.
• 😀 Avoid turning help into a transactional relationship by offering bribes. Genuine help comes from mutual respect and care, not incentives.
• 😀 Requests for help are much more likely to succeed when made in person or over the phone, compared to email or text.
• 😀 Following up after receiving help is essential. It lets the person know their assistance had an impact and reinforces the relationship.
• 😀 When you ask for help, it’s important to clearly explain why you need it and how the person can help, so they know they’re making a difference.
• 😀 People feel more satisfied helping when they know their assistance had a positive effect. It encourages them to offer help in the future.
• 😀 The fear of asking for help can be reduced with practice. Getting better at asking for help increases your chances of receiving support.
• 😀 Helping others is a rewarding experience, but it’s even more rewarding when you see the result of your help. Always show appreciation afterward.

Q & A

Why do people often avoid asking for help?

People often avoid asking for help because it feels uncomfortable and embarrassing. There's also a psychological factor known as 'the illusion of transparency', where individuals mistakenly believe that their needs are obvious to others, leading them to wait for someone to offer help instead of asking for it directly.

What is the 'illusion of transparency'?

'The illusion of transparency' is a psychological phenomenon where people believe their thoughts, feelings, and needs are obvious to others, even though this is not true. This leads people to expect help without explicitly asking for it.

How does the speaker's father exemplify the reluctance to ask for help?

The speaker's father, on a family vacation, refused to ask for directions even though the family was lost. Instead of admitting they were lost, he insisted that they weren't lost, and that he just wanted to explore the area, demonstrating a reluctance to ask for help.

What does research suggest about why people agree to help others?

Research shows that people are more likely to say yes to requests for help when the request is clear and specific. Vague or indirect requests are less likely to result in assistance because the helper may not understand the need or how they can assist effectively.

What is the most important thing to consider when asking for help?

The most important thing is to be very specific about the help you need and why. Vague requests leave the helper uncertain about how to help, which can reduce the likelihood of them agreeing to assist.

Why is it problematic to include disclaimers and apologies when asking for help?

Using disclaimers and apologies, like 'I'm so sorry to bother you,' can make the helper feel uncomfortable. It can also undermine the requester's confidence and make the helper less motivated to provide assistance.

What is the impact of offering bribes or incentives to friends or coworkers for help?

Offering bribes or incentives to friends and coworkers can turn the request for help into a transaction rather than a supportive act of a relationship. This can feel distancing and reduce the likelihood of receiving help.

Why should help requests not be made through email or text?

Help requests made through email or text are impersonal and less likely to receive a positive response. In-person requests, or requests made over the phone, are much more effective and have a much higher chance of getting a 'yes.'

What should you do after someone agrees to help you?

After someone helps you, it's important to follow up with them. Let them know how their help made a difference. This reinforces the value of their assistance and strengthens the relationship, encouraging them to help again in the future.

What does research about donor appeals tell us about the psychology of helping?

Research about donor appeals, like those from DonorsChoose, shows that people are more motivated to give when they can clearly see the impact of their help. Donors are also more likely to feel satisfied when they receive feedback that their contribution made a difference.