The Benefits of Not Being a Jerk to Yourself | Dan Harris | TED

Summary

The speaker humorously recounts his experience with a 360 review, a comprehensive feedback process involving peers, superiors, and subordinates. Initially, he found the exercise embarrassing, revealing his shortcomings like rudeness and self-centeredness. However, this led him on a journey of self-improvement through various therapies and meditation, particularly 'loving-kindness' meditation. He emphasizes the importance of self-love as a foundation for loving others and suggests that by addressing our inner demons with kindness, we can break negative cycles and foster a more positive social fabric.

Takeaways

• 😌 The speaker underwent a 360 review, an anonymous feedback process involving bosses, peers, and subordinates, to assess personal strengths and weaknesses.
• 😅 He extended the review to include personal figures like his wife and meditation teachers, resulting in a detailed and candid report.
• 🤔 Initially a skeptic, the speaker's experience with panic attacks led him to embrace meditation as a method to manage anxiety and depression.
• 😃 Meditation helped him become a self-help guru, but the 360 review revealed areas for improvement, such as rudeness to junior staff and being emotionally guarded.
• 😓 The review was a humbling experience, showing that despite personal growth, he still had significant character flaws like anger and self-centeredness.
• 🌟 After the review, he committed to self-improvement through various therapies and trainings, but found that he still struggled with selfish tendencies.
• 🧘‍♂️ He attended a silent retreat focusing on 'loving-kindness' meditation to foster warmth and counteract negative personal traits.
• 🤝 The retreat leader encouraged self-compassion, suggesting that being less harsh on oneself could improve interactions with others.
• 💡 A pivotal realization was that inner demons are ancient, fear-based programs that can be calmed through self-acceptance rather than suppression.
• 🔄 The speaker introduced the concept of two spirals: the 'toilet vortex' of self-criticism and the 'cheesy upward spiral' of self-love leading to improved relationships.
• 💕 He advocates for self-love not as narcissism but as a form of self-support that enhances one's ability to love others.
• 🌱 Love is presented as a skill set that can be developed, with practices like loving-kindness meditation and countering the inner critic being beneficial.
• 🌟 A follow-up 360 review after three years showed significant personal growth, with others noting a change in his demeanor and interactions.
• 😄 The speaker concludes that embracing self-love and compassion can lead to a more fulfilling and generous life.

Q & A

What is a 360 review and why is it considered 'diabolical' by the speaker?

A 360 review is an anonymous survey that includes feedback from an employee's bosses, peers, and direct reports to provide a comprehensive view of their strengths and weaknesses. The speaker refers to it as 'diabolical' because it can be a stressful and humbling experience, as it exposes one's flaws and weaknesses to others.

What was the speaker's unique approach to the 360 review?

The speaker opted for a more personal and intimate version of the 360 review, which included feedback from his wife, brother, and two meditation teachers, resulting in a 39-page report with candid quotes.

How did the speaker's experience as an anchorman at ABC News contribute to his journey with meditation?

The speaker's stressful job as an anchorman led to a panic attack on live television in 2004. This incident ultimately led him to embrace meditation, which he had previously dismissed, as a way to manage his anxiety and depression.

What was the speaker's goal when he decided to make meditation more attractive to skeptics?

The speaker aimed to make meditation appealing to fellow skeptics by discarding the New Age cliches and using unconventional language, including the f-word, to make the practice more relatable and approachable.

What were some of the positive and negative feedback the speaker received from his 360 review?

Positively, the speaker was praised for being hardworking, intelligent, and more caring due to his meditation practice. Negatively, he was criticized for being rude to junior staffers, emotionally guarded, a diva, an authoritarian, and there were doubts about his motives for promoting meditation.

How did the 360 review impact the speaker's personal growth and self-awareness?

The 360 review was a wake-up call for the speaker, revealing aspects of his personality that he was ashamed of and had tried to hide. It made him realize the need to work on his anger and self-centeredness, leading him to explore various personal development practices.

What is 'loving-kindness' meditation and why did the speaker choose to practice it?

Loving-kindness meditation is a practice aimed at boosting one's capacity for warmth towards others. The speaker chose to practice it in an attempt to become a nicer person and to counteract his tendencies towards anger and self-centeredness.

What was the speaker's realization during the silent retreat about his inner demons?

The speaker realized that his inner demons were ancient, fear-based neurotic programs that were trying to protect him. By extending warmth and acceptance towards these aspects of himself, rather than fighting them, they became less powerful.

What are the two spirals the speaker describes, and which one does he advocate for?

The speaker describes the 'toilet vortex' as a downward spiral of self-criticism and negativity, and the 'cheesy upward spiral' as a positive cycle of self-love and improved relationships. He advocates for the upward spiral as it leads to personal growth and better relationships.

What are the two practices the speaker recommends to improve one's 'love game'?

The speaker recommends practicing loving-kindness meditation and consciously counterprogramming against one's inner critic by speaking to oneself as one would to a good friend.

How did the speaker's second 360 review differ from the first one, and what did it indicate about his personal growth?

The second 360 review was significantly more positive, with people noting the speaker's transformation as a friend, mentor, and colleague. It indicated that his efforts to improve himself had been successful, and he had become a more pleasant and empathetic person.

Outlines

00:00

😅 Embracing Self-Reflection and Growth

The speaker humorously recounts his experience with a 360 review, a corporate feedback tool, which he expanded to include personal figures like his wife and meditation teachers. The review resulted in a 39-page report revealing both his strengths and weaknesses. Despite his background as a skeptical, anxious news anchor who found solace in meditation, the review exposed personal demons like anger and self-centeredness. This led him to a journey of self-improvement, seeking to align his inner meditation practice with outer behavior, acknowledging the rise of negative behaviors in society.

05:01

🤔 The Paradox of Self-Compassion

The speaker discusses his resistance to the idea of self-compassion, as suggested by his meditation teacher, Spring Washam. Initially, he found the notion of comforting himself with endearing words during meditation to be absurd. However, through the process, he realized that his negative traits were protective mechanisms, and by extending warmth to them, he experienced a calming effect. This realization led to the understanding that self-love, when correctly practiced, enhances one's ability to love others, and that self-criticism can spiral into negative behaviors affecting personal and societal relationships.

10:03

💖 Cultivating Love as a Skill for Personal and Global Impact

The speaker emphasizes that love is a skill that can be developed and shares two practices to enhance one's 'love game': loving-kindness meditation and countering the inner critic. He explains the process of loving-kindness meditation, which involves sending goodwill to oneself and others, and suggests that it has multiple benefits supported by research. He also recommends speaking to oneself as one would to a good friend when facing self-criticism. The speaker reflects on his personal transformation, as evidenced by a follow-up 360 review, where he received positive feedback on his changed behavior. He concludes by advocating for the importance of self-love as a countercultural, courageous, and happiness-producing practice.

Keywords

💡360 review

A 360 review, also known as a 360-degree feedback, is a process in which employees receive confidential, anonymous feedback from their supervisors, peers, direct reports, and sometimes even personal acquaintances. In the video, the speaker humorously refers to it as a 'diabolical exercise' and uses it as a tool to gain a comprehensive understanding of his personal strengths and weaknesses, which is central to the theme of self-improvement.

💡Meditation

Meditation is a practice that involves focusing the mind to achieve mental clarity and emotional calmness. The speaker mentions that meditation helped him with anxiety and depression, and it led him to become a 'self-help guru.' The video's narrative revolves around the speaker's journey of personal growth, where meditation plays a significant role in his transformation.

💡Self-help guru

A self-help guru is a person who is considered an expert in the field of self-improvement and offers guidance to others on personal development. The speaker describes himself as a 'quasi self-help guru' due to his unorthodox approach to promoting meditation, which is a key element in his personal journey and the video's message about self-improvement.

💡Loving-kindness meditation

Loving-kindness meditation, also known as 'metta' meditation in Buddhism, is a practice where one focuses on developing feelings of goodwill, kindness, and warmth towards oneself and others. The speaker suggests this practice as a method to increase one's capacity for warmth and is a central concept in the video's theme of cultivating love and compassion.

💡Inner critic

The inner critic refers to the negative, judgmental voice inside one's mind that can lead to self-doubt and criticism. In the video, the speaker talks about consciously counterprogramming against this inner critic as a method for self-improvement, illustrating its importance in the process of personal growth.

💡Self-centeredness

Self-centeredness is a personality trait characterized by excessive focus on oneself, often at the expense of others. The speaker identifies self-centeredness as one of his 'two most prominent and problematic demons,' which he works to overcome throughout the video, tying it to the broader theme of personal development and empathy.

💡Anger

Anger is an intense emotional response often characterized by strong feelings of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. The speaker discusses his struggle with anger as part of his personal demons and how he learns to manage it through meditation and self-compassion, which is integral to the video's narrative on emotional management.

💡Self-love

Self-love, in the context of the video, refers to having a supportive and caring attitude towards oneself, rather than being narcissistic. The speaker argues that self-love is not selfish and makes one better at loving others, which is a key point in the video's message about the importance of self-compassion in improving relationships and personal well-being.

💡Toilet vortex

The 'toilet vortex' is a metaphor used by the speaker to describe a downward spiral of negative self-talk and behavior that can lead to further unhappiness and poor treatment of others. It is a central concept in the video's discussion on the importance of breaking negative cycles and choosing a more positive path.

💡Cheesy upward spiral

The 'cheesy upward spiral' is a metaphor contrasting the 'toilet vortex,' representing a positive cycle of self-compassion and improved relationships. The speaker uses this concept to illustrate the benefits of self-love and its impact on personal growth and well-being, which is a central theme of the video.

💡Ego

Ego, in the context of the video, refers to a person's sense of self-importance or self-centeredness. The speaker mentions that others noted a 'shrinking ego' as part of his personal transformation, highlighting the video's theme of reducing self-centeredness and becoming more compassionate and self-aware.

Highlights

The speaker underwent a 360 review, an anonymous survey by colleagues, bosses, and others, to gain insight into personal strengths and weaknesses.

The 360 review included feedback from family members and meditation teachers, resulting in a 39-page report.

The review revealed the speaker's strengths such as hardworking and intelligent nature, and the positive impact of meditation on his caring nature.

The review also exposed areas for improvement, including rudeness to junior staffers, emotional guardedness, and being perceived as a diva and authoritarian.

The speaker's wife was deeply affected by the review, indicating the personal impact of the feedback.

The speaker realized that his most shameful personality traits were evident to others, specifically anger and self-centeredness.

The speaker embarked on a journey of self-improvement, including psychotherapy and various trainings, to address his negative behaviors.

A nine-day silent retreat practicing 'loving-kindness' meditation was undertaken to foster warmth and counteract negative tendencies.

The retreat leader, Spring Washam, emphasized the importance of self-compassion as a step towards being less of a 'jerk' to others.

During meditation, the speaker recognized his inner demons as fear-based patterns trying to protect him, rather than inherent parts of himself.

The speaker learned to extend warmth to his inner demons as a form of radical disarmament, leading to a decrease in their intensity.

The speaker introduced the concept of two spirals of human behavior: the 'toilet vortex' of self-criticism and the 'cheesy upward spiral' of self-love and compassion.

Self-love, when properly understood, enhances one's ability to love and care for others, contrary to being selfish.

The speaker suggests that increasing one's capacity for love can have a positive impact on societal issues such as inequality, violence, and the climate crisis.

Love is presented as a skill that can be trained and improved, not a fixed trait.

The speaker recommends two practices: loving-kindness meditation and countering the inner critic with self-compassion.

A second 360 review three years later showed significant positive changes in the speaker's behavior and relationships.

The speaker concludes by emphasizing the importance of self-improvement for personal and societal benefit, with humor and a call to action.

Transcripts

A few years ago, I signed up for something called a 360 review.

(Laughter)

If you've ever worked in the corporate world,

you probably have heard of this diabolical exercise.

(Laughter)

It’s an anonymous survey with your bosses, peers and direct reports,

and the idea is to get a panoramic sense of your strengths and weaknesses.

I opted for the colonoscopy version of a 360 review.

(Laughter)

Which included my wife, my brother and two of my meditation teachers.

In all, 16 people gave hour-long confidential interviews,

and I was then handed a 39-page report brimming with blind quotes.

I can tell you're looking forward to hearing the results.

Sadists.

(Laughter)

But I'm going to make you wait a second,

because I should give you a little background on me.

I used to be an anchorman.

I worked at ABC News for 21 years.

It was a very stressful job.

In fact, I had a panic attack live on the air in 2004

while delivering some otherwise mundane headlines.

The good news is that my nationally televised freakout

ultimately led me to meditation,

which I had actually long rejected as ridiculous.

I was raised by a pair of atheist scientists.

I'm a fidgety, skeptical guy.

And that kind of led me to unfairly lump meditation

in with aura readings, vision boards and dolphin healing.

But the practice really helped me with my anxiety and depression.

And so my goal became to make meditation attractive

to my fellow skeptics

by ditching the New Age cliches and liberally using the f-word.

(Laughter)

To my great surprise, this unorthodox approach

turned me into a quasi self-help guru.

And a few years into this trip, I decided that I wanted to get a sense

of whether my inner work was having outer results, you know?

Was meditation making me a nicer person?

And that's why I signed up for the 360.

And now I will tell you about the results.

The first 13 pages were dedicated to my sterling qualities.

People talked about how hardworking and intelligent I was.

Many also said meditation had made me more caring.

But then came 26 pages of beatdown.

(Laughter)

The first blow was that some reviewers noted

that I had a penchant for being rude to junior staffers,

which was deeply embarrassing.

But it only got worse.

I was called emotionally guarded, a diva and an authoritarian.

(Quiet laughter)

I don't know why that's funny.

(Laughter)

Some people even questioned my motives for promoting meditation.

It got so bad that at one point my wife, who was reading it with me,

got up and went to the bathroom and cried.

I think for me the most painful part

was realizing that the aspects of my personality

that I was most ashamed of and had really tried to hide

were in fact on full display for everybody.

And those included my two most prominent and problematic demons:

anger and self-centeredness.

(Clears throat)

Sorry. I've never talked about this publicly before.

(Applause)

Thank you.

I thought we weren't supposed to applaud authoritarians here at TED.

(Laughter)

Bottom line, meditation had helped, for sure,

but I clearly retained the capacity to be a schmuck,

and I am not alone in this.

All kinds of bad behavior have been on the rise.

Reckless driving,

unruly airline passengers, violent crime,

online bullying, workplace incivility,

tribal antagonism, even general self-centeredness.

At times, it can really feel like our social fabric is unraveling.

So after my 360, I decided to do some work on myself

and to see if I could also learn some things

that, by extension, might help the species.

I pulled every lever at my disposal.

I did psychotherapy, communications coaching, bias training,

couples counseling and more.

And while I was really grateful to be able to do all of this stuff

and all of it helped,

I was still finding myself too often getting selfish or snippy.

So I signed up for a nine-day silent retreat

where I would practice a kind of meditation

that has been shown to boost your capacity for warmth.

It’s called “loving-kindness,” which, as you might imagine,

sounded to me like Valentine's Day with a gun to my head.

(Laughter)

But I was in it to win it. I really wanted to be a nicer person.

I kept getting tripped up though,

because the woman who was running the retreat, my teacher,

her name is Spring Washam,

she kept insisting that if I wanted to be less of a jerk to other people,

I needed to start by being less of a jerk to myself,

which I thought was the kind of thing you hear

from Instagram influencers and spin instructors, so --

(Laughter)

And she even went so far as to suggest

that when I saw my demons emerging in meditation,

I should put my hand on my heart and say to myself,

"It's OK, sweetie. I'm here for you."

(Laughter)

Hard pass.

(Laughter)

Pasadena. I was not going to do that.

But over the ensuing days of nonstop meditation,

I did notice that my twin demons were in full effect.

My anger had me rehearsing glorious, expletive-filled speeches

I would deliver to my boss about the various promotions I deserved.

My self-centeredness had me writing my own five-star Amazon reviews

for my various books,

praising my elegant prose and rugged good looks.

(Laughter)

And in the face of all of this roostering and rage,

I layered on an avalanche of self-criticism.

I told myself a whole story

about how I was an incurably self-obsessed, cranky monster

who had cloven hooves and a retractable jaw.

After about five or six days of drinking from this fire hose, I caved.

Mid-meditation, I put my hand on my heart,

and while I definitely was not going to call myself "sweetie,"

I did silently say to myself,

"It's all good, dude, I know this sucks, but I've got you."

This was very strange and embarrassing, but in this moment, I had an epiphany.

I realized that my demons were actually

just ancient, fear-based neurotic programs,

probably injected into me by the culture, by my parents.

And they were trying to help me.

It was the organism trying to protect itself.

And when I stopped fighting them, they calmed down for a few seconds.

I didn't have to slay them.

I just had to give them a high five.

And this counterintuitive extension of warmth

was not, I realized, it was not indulgent.

It was radical disarmament.

Here's the way I think about this.

At any given moment, we humans have two choices

or two spirals that are available to us.

The first is what my friend Evelyn Tribole calls the toilet vortex.

The reason why this looks childish and ridiculous is that I drew it myself.

(Laughter)

It's OK, sweetie. You're good at so many other things.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

I probably shouldn't make fun of the thing I'm going to try to get you to do, but ...

The toilet vortex might start like this.

You're picking on yourself because you don't like the way you look in the mirror.

You're unhappy with your level of productivity

or you have failed to achieve ketosis, whatever.

And then you take that out on other people

and then you are feeling more miserable,

and then down you go.

The vastly superior alternative is what I call the cheesy upward spiral.

This one was drawn by a professional.

(Laughter)

As your inner weather gets balmier,

because you've learned how to high-five your demons,

that shows up in your relationships with other people.

And because relationships are probably the most important variable

when it comes to human flourishing,

your inner weather improves even further

and up you go.

And that is the whole point here.

Self-love, properly understood, not as narcissism,

but as having your own back,

is not selfish.

It makes you better at loving other people.

And the flip side of this was on full display in my 360.

All the ways in which I was torturing myself

showed up in my relationships with other people.

And as those relationships suffered, so did I.

Taken together, my two excellent drawings

represent a kind of amateur unified field theory of love.

I call it “Me, A Love Story.”

(Laughter)

That's a deliberately ridiculous name,

but I am actually pretty serious about using the word "love."

Granted, it's a confusing term because we use it to apply to everything

from our spouses to our children to gluten-free snickerdoodles.

But I am comfortable embracing the broadness of the term.

I consider love to be anything that falls within the human capacity to care,

a capacity wired deeply into us via evolution.

It's our ability to care, cooperate and communicate

that has allowed Homo sapiens to thrive.

And it is a failure to exercise that muscle,

it is a lack of love that I think is at the root of our most pressing problems,

from inequality to violence to the climate crisis.

Obviously, these are all massive problems

that are going to require massive structural change,

but at a baseline they also require us to care about one another.

And it is harder to do that

when you're stuck in a ceaseless spiral of self-centered self-flagellation.

(Applause)

Thank you.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here

is there's a geopolitical case for you to get your shit together.

(Laughter)

And the massively empowering news

is that love is not an unalterable factory setting.

It is a skill that you can train.

It's actually a family of skills.

After my 360, I learned a whole bunch of practices for upping my love game,

and I'm going to share two with you right now

that I think would be very easy to integrate into your life.

The first is to boot up a practice of loving-kindness meditation.

I should say that it does not require you

to subscribe to some fancy metaphysical program,

and it shouldn't take up too much time.

Maybe a few minutes a couple of times a week to start.

The instructions are really simple. Find a reasonably quiet place.

Assume a comfortable position,

close your eyes and begin by envisioning a really easy person.

Maybe a good friend, maybe a pet.

And then you repeat in your mind four phrases:

"May you be happy, may you be safe, may you be healthy,

may you live with ease."

After you've generated a little warmth,

you do a bait-and-switch and move onto yourself.

Once again, you conjure the image and send the phrases.

After that, it's on to a mentor, somebody who's helped you in your life.

Then a neutral person, somebody you might overlook.

Then a difficult person, probably not hard to find.

And then we finish with all beings everywhere.

To some of you, this may seem forced and treacly,

but it's worth noting that the research shows

that this practice has physiological, psychological

and even behavioral benefits.

The other practice I'm going to recommend

is to start consciously counterprogramming against your inner critic.

Next time you notice yourself going down the toilet,

if nobody's looking, put your hand on your heart

and talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend.

For ambitious people, this may be a little scary.

You might fear it's going to erode your edge.

But research shows that this process of replacing your sadistic inner tyrant

with a supportive inner coach, who has high standards

but is not a jerk about it,

makes you more likely to reach your goals.

Now, I will cop to the fact

that even though I've now retired from my job as a news man

and am a full-time meditation evangelist,

I still go down the toilet on the regular.

But I'm much more likely to access the upward spiral these days.

In fact, three years after my 360, I got another one, because I never learn.

And this one was way different.

People gushed about how much I had changed as a friend and a mentor and a colleague.

They talked about specific meetings

where I used to be a prosecutor and was now delightful.

One person said, “His ego is shrinking,” which I think was a compliment.

And another person said, “He’s finding his heart,”

which the new me let pass.

(Laughter)

After she finished reading, my wife turned to me and said,

"Congratulations, now you're boring."

(Laughter)

I'm hoping that was a joke because in my opinion,

upping your love game is anything but boring.

It’s countercultural because it cuts against the never-enoughness

and always-behindness that society seems to want us to feel.

It’s courageous because it’s hard to look at your demons.

And it’s happiness-producing because when you high-five your demons,

they don't own you as much.

And all of that makes you more generous and more available.

If that sounds grandiose or touchy-feely to you,

let me put it to you another way.

The view is so much better when you pull your head out of your ass.

(Laughter)

Thank you very much.

(Applause)