How to Make Them CHASE YOU Without “Playing It Cool”
Summary
TLDRThe video script addresses the dilemma of showing genuine interest in early dating without coming on too strong. It discusses societal conditioning and the fear of appearing desperate, especially for women. The speaker offers five points of advice, including giving small signs of interest, understanding attraction as evolving, maintaining independence, not fearing to lose interest, and using personal standards to retain power in relationships. The script encourages viewers to be authentic and vulnerable while trusting themselves to move on if the connection isn't reciprocated.
Takeaways
- 😌 In early dating, people often hold back on showing their true selves due to fear of scaring the other person away or appearing too eager.
- 🤔 The fear of appearing too available or too affectionate can lead to self-censorship and a reluctance to express authentic feelings and desires.
- 🧐 Societal conditioning plays a role in how men and women are expected to behave in early dating, with different stereotypes for 'love bombing' and showing interest.
- 📸 Viewing attraction as an evolving snapshot rather than a constant can help alleviate the fear of losing power by showing too much interest early on.
- 🤝 Small gestures of interest, like a light touch or a compliment, can encourage potential partners to reciprocate and show they are attracted as well.
- 💪 Maintaining personal power in dating involves showing independence and not relying on an emotional babysitter, which can be attractive to others.
- 🔍 It's important to distinguish between genuine needs in a relationship and neediness, which can come across as clingy or desperate.
- 🚫 Being overly cautious with affection can prevent you from finding out if the other person is compatible with your desire for a certain level of physical closeness.
- 💡 Standards, rather than indifference, are what allow you to hold on to your power in dating, by setting expectations and being willing to move on if they're not met.
- 💖 Trusting oneself to move on if the interest isn't reciprocated is crucial for maintaining confidence and self-assurance in the dating process.
- 🌟 Recognizing that you don't need someone to be happy allows for genuine enjoyment of their company and the potential relationship without fear or anxiety.
Q & A
Why do people tend to hold back during the early stages of dating?
-People often hold back during the early stages of dating because they are worried about coming on too strong and scaring the other person away. They may reserve parts of themselves that they feel are authentically them, such as their level of affection or expressiveness, out of fear of being perceived as desperate or losing their power in the relationship.
What is the societal conditioning that affects how men and women show interest in dating?
-There is a societal conditioning where if a woman tries too hard, it's seen as desperate, while if a man does the same, it's considered romantic. This stereotype often associates the 'love bomber' more with men, suggesting that women should hold back to be attractive.
What is the advice given to someone who is naturally affectionate and finds themselves holding back in fear of being too much?
-The advice given is to show small signs of encouragement to the other person, such as light touches, compliments, or expressing that they had a great time. This helps to decrease anxiety and gives the other person a green light to reciprocate interest.
How can one maintain personal power while showing interest in early dating?
-One can maintain personal power by understanding that attraction is an evolving thing and not a constant. By showing interest as a snapshot of how they feel at the moment, they reserve the right to change their level of interest based on the other person's response.
What is the difference between needs and neediness in the context of dating?
-Needs refer to a valid requirement for a certain level of affection, interest, or stability in a relationship, while neediness implies an unhealthy dependence on the other person for one's happiness and security, making the other person responsible for one's emotional state.
Why is it important to be aware of whether our actions are coming from a place of need or neediness?
-Being aware of whether actions stem from need or neediness is important because it helps maintain a healthy dynamic in the relationship. Neediness can push people away, while having needs that are met can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling connection.
What should one be more afraid of: scaring someone away with interest or ending up with someone who isn't a good match?
-One should be more afraid of ending up with someone who isn't a good match, as it's important to gauge if the other person can reciprocate the level of affection and interest that one desires in a relationship.
How can standards help us maintain our power in early dating?
-Standards help us maintain our power by setting a baseline for what we expect in a relationship. If our basic needs are not met, we can choose to direct our energy elsewhere, knowing that we deserve better and are not willing to settle for less.
What is the significance of being vulnerable in the dating process?
-Being vulnerable is significant because it allows us to truly show our authentic selves and assess if the other person is a compatible match. Without vulnerability, we may never see how far a relationship could go due to a lack of genuine connection.
How does the speaker define 'playing it cool' and why is it not the best approach in early dating?
-The speaker defines 'playing it cool' as a form of indifference, which is a way to hold on to power by not showing too much interest. However, it's not the best approach because it prevents us from being vulnerable and genuine, which are crucial for building a meaningful connection.
What is the role of self-trust in being able to show interest and affection in early dating?
-Self-trust plays a crucial role as it allows individuals to be confident in their ability to move on if the other person does not reciprocate their interest or affection. This trust in oneself ensures that one does not become overly attached or desperate for the other person's approval.
Why is it important to feel secure and happy on our own before entering a relationship?
-Feeling secure and happy on our own is important because it establishes a foundation of self-worth and independence. This prevents us from relying on others for our happiness and allows us to be our true selves in a relationship, without the fear of losing our sense of self.
Outlines
😰 Overcoming Dating Anxiety by Showing Genuine Interest
The first paragraph discusses the common fear in early dating stages of coming on too strong and scaring potential partners away, leading to the suppression of one's authentic self. It touches on societal conditioning and gender stereotypes, where men are often seen as 'love bombers' while women are expected to hold back. The speaker advises giving small signs of interest to encourage potential partners without overwhelming them, such as light touches or compliments, to decrease anxiety and establish a baseline for mutual attraction.
📸 Attraction as a Fluid Phenomenon: Understanding Interest Dynamics
This paragraph emphasizes that attraction and interest are not static but evolve over time. The speaker compares interest levels to snapshots, suggesting that today's level of interest can change by next week. This perspective can help alleviate the fear of losing power by showing too much interest early on. The idea is to give interest as a 'photograph' of the current moment, allowing for flexibility and the possibility of change, which can be empowering and reduce anxiety in dating scenarios.
💪 Maintaining Personal Power by Demonstrating Independence
The third paragraph focuses on maintaining personal power in dating by showing independence. It suggests that being able to enjoy a partner's company while also engaging with others at social events can be attractive and demonstrate autonomy. The speaker warns against neediness and emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between genuine needs in a relationship and a desperate clinging to another person for happiness and validation.
🔍 Assessing Compatibility Through Reciprocity of Interest
Here, the speaker encourages individuals to gauge compatibility by bravely offering aspects of affection and quality time they value in a relationship, without overwhelming the other person. The idea is to find out if the other person can reciprocate these desires, which is crucial for a fulfilling relationship. The speaker advises not to misinterpret the loss of interest as a personal failure but rather as a sign of incompatibility.
🛡 Upholding Standards to Preserve Personal Power in Dating
The final paragraph discusses the importance of having and upholding personal standards in dating to maintain power and self-respect. It suggests that showing interest is a way of testing the waters, and if the other person does not meet one's basic needs or standards, it's an opportunity to redirect energy elsewhere. The speaker also touches on the importance of self-trust and self-sufficiency, asserting that not needing someone else for happiness is the foundation of true confidence in relationships.
🌟 Self-Acceptance and Independence as Foundations for Healthy Relationships
In the concluding paragraph, the speaker calls for self-reflection on the need for approval and validation from others, suggesting that this need stems from deeper personal issues. They offer a virtual retreat as a means to address these underlying problems and build self-assurance and independence. The speaker emphasizes that being happy and secure in one's own company is essential for entering into relationships from a place of strength and self-acceptance.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Authenticity
💡Affection
💡Anxiety
💡Reciprocity
💡Power
💡Independence
💡Compatibility
💡Vulnerability
💡Standards
💡Neediness
💡Self-Trust
Highlights
The importance of expressing authentic parts of oneself in early dating to avoid coming on too strong.
The fear of showing too much affection or interest in the early stages of dating.
The societal conditioning that affects how men and women express interest in dating.
The concept of 'playing it cool' and its necessity in early dating.
Encouraging potential partners through small gestures to show interest.
The idea that attraction is not constant but an evolving aspect of a relationship.
Maintaining personal power by not needing an emotional babysitter in a relationship.
The difference between having needs and being neediness in a relationship.
The importance of finding a partner who can reciprocate your level of affection.
Being more afraid of getting someone who isn't a match for you than scaring someone away with your interest.
The role of standards in maintaining personal power and setting expectations in dating.
The misconception that playing it cool is a way to hold on to power in dating.
The necessity of vulnerability for a relationship to progress and be genuine.
Understanding that you can be happy without needing someone else for validation.
The impact of past experiences on current dating behaviors and the need for self-awareness.
The upcoming virtual retreat aimed at overcoming personal traumas and improving dating behaviors.
Transcripts
how cool should you play it in early
dating there is a period of the dating
process isn't there where we're so
worried that we're going to come on too
strong and scare someone away that we
reserve the parts of ourselves that
really want to come out parts of
ourselves that feel like they're
authentically us maybe we're someone who
loves affection but we're afraid to show
too much affection because we don't want
that person to think it's too much or
we're worried if we get seen to be
liking them too much that we're going to
lose all of our power we may love being
the kind of person who's expressive
without words but we hold back our words
and censor ourselves for fear that we're
going to say too much we may love
quality time but we act like someone who
doesn't really care that much about
seeing someone else because we don't
know whether they like us as much as we
like them and we're worried they'll like
us less if they think we're too
available I had a question in recently
from someone who said I am affectionate
I love quality time I have so much I
want to give but I find myself holding
back for fear that it's going to be too
much for somebody else that it's going
to drive them away and so when I show up
to parties with that person I'm afraid
to be too all over them at the party I'm
afraid to ask for too much or express
myself and my anxiety is what's making
me hold back now I think it has to be
said that there is this conditioning
that so many of us have that if a woman
is trying too hard that's desperate if a
guy is trying really hard then it's
romantic that you know the The
Stereotype of the love bomber is one
that often we see rightly or wrongly
because women can love bomb too but we
see it as more of a male thing a guy
love bombing a woman showing he's really
really interested and then not backing
it up we don't as commonly associate the
love bomber as being the woman we
associate the woman as being the one who
has to hold back in order to be be
attractive so the question is how much
is playing it called necessary and I'll
give you a little bit of what I said to
this woman who asked this question
because I know that I have in my own
past been on dates with people who were
holding back
and I didn't know that on the day on the
day all I knew was
I didn't think the person was into me I
didn't think the person was attracted to
me at all and then I was really
surprised to learn 24 hours or 48 hours
later that that person wanted to see me
again you know they would send me a text
and say I had such a great time I'd love
to see you again and I would think I was
going crazy I'd be like but you'd I
didn't get anything for I didn't feel
you flirted with me I didn't feel you
showed any attraction towards me I
certainly didn't feel you desired me and
so I was really surprised to know that
they wanted to see me again we have to
ask ourselves if I expressed a desire to
see someone again would it surprise them
based on my experience or my
interactions with them so far and a lot
of the time the answer is yes so one of
the things I say to people I'm going to
give you five points today but the first
point is we have to encourage people to
keep trying with us by the small things
we do that communicate interest or
desire those could be very small things
it could be be touching someone lightly
on the arm it could be telling someone
that they look really good in that
jacket it could be texting someone after
a date and telling them that you had a
great time or they're you're really
funny or you looked really good tonight
it could be someone that you've met on a
dating app and it's not escalating to a
date and you're having a great time with
them and there's lots of Rapport and you
send them a message saying by the way in
case you're wondering if you asked me
out on a date I'd say yes little things
that show people hey I'm giving you a
green light to try more because I am
attracted to you sometimes we're so
afraid of scaring someone off
that we don't even give them the
encouragement to actually try with us
now when we're showing someone a little
encouragement that can help to decrease
our anxiety if we think about it like
small baby steps of encouragement
instead of I'm immediately gonna say and
do everything I want to say and do which
isn't always advisable at the very
beginning of dating what we want to do
is invest then test give a little see if
they respond to that and if they respond
to our affection with some affection
then that's great we have confirmation
that we're both in the same place point
two is something that can really help
with your anxiety see our anxiety about
showing too much in early dating is
often about this feeling of once you
know how into you I am
I will have lost all of my power I think
that a big part of that is because we
see our attraction
as this constant like it's sort of just
a universal truth you're gonna find out
how into you I am but the truth is
attraction is an evolving thing it can
go up it can go down interest in someone
is an evolving thing it can go up it can
go down so I like to think of our
interest in someone like a photograph if
you take a photograph of how interested
I am in you today that is only a
photograph that represents that today
it's a snapshot in time of how I feel
but next week I might feel something
different if you take a new photograph a
week from now it might show a very
different level of attraction and if we
get in if we get that way of thinking
into our own minds then when we're
showing someone interest we're not
thinking I'm giving up all of this power
we're just thinking by giving you a
little interest today I'm showing you
how interested I am today if you you
don't reciprocate if you don't meet me
there if I try to give you some
affection or some nice words or show
that I want to see you and you don't
give me the same back I reserve the
right to change how interested I am at
any point it can change
overnight if I feel like oh you're not
you're not here with me you're not
consistent oh I don't feel safe with you
you I don't feel your attraction back
I'm gonna take that energy and direct it
elsewhere and you'll find that out the
next time you try to see me or the next
time you want to hang out the next time
you want to give me affection you'll
find out that you actually lost some of
my interest and Intrigue between the
last time I showed it to you and right
now when you suddenly want it again so
if someone sees through your actions
that your interest is not a constant
your interest is something that has to
be fed and watered and reciprocated you
know that you've never lost your power
by showing interest all you've done is
taken a photograph about how you feel
today and given it to them if they're
under any illusion that that photograph
is just a constant truth they will
realize how wrong they are the next time
they try to get your attention if your
attention has moved on number three one
great way to still maintain your
personal power or play call which is not
a term I like but a great way to not
feel like you've given up all of your
power is to show that you don't need an
emotional babysitter I think of the
example that this woman gave me where
she said when I go to a party with
someone I don't give them any attention
or affection because I'm afraid that
it's going to be too much but what tends
to be too much for someone is when we
never leave them alone or we show we
can't be alone now that's not me saying
that at a party you have to just leave
that person and go and talk to other
people all the time but showing you can
is very powerful showing you have the
ability to walk into a room with someone
and truly enjoy being next to them being
in their company but also be incredibly
comfortable having another conversation
feeling like you're an independent
presence in the room that you can hold
caught on your own that's a really
powerful thing it's a way of creating in
space
for someone to miss us for someone to
observe us at a distance which can be
incredibly attractive for someone to see
that we are an autonomous independent
person away from them
and the our needs
for affection for uh connection for
proximity
aren't the same as neediness neediness
is I have to be around you don't leave
me alone don't leave me here I can't
handle myself on my own needs are
something very different needs are just
this is a requirement for me to give my
time to someone to give my energy to
someone is that there's an appropriate
level of affection of interest of of
stability right those are needs
neediness is I can't be without you I
can't be happy without you I can't be
secure without you I can't feel I can't
make myself feel good I'm making you
responsible for that and that's one of
the things we should explore that's a
good place to get some self-awareness in
early dating is are we coming from a
place of having needs which is valid or
neediness which is making someone else
responsible for how we feel about
ourselves number four we should be more
afraid of getting someone who isn't
match for us then in scaring away
someone with our interest some of the
things that were put to me by this woman
is she said I'm an affectionate person I
really enjoy quality time I really enjoy
a touch well those are things that are
important for her to know someone else
can give
right she has an awareness that that's
what she's like she needs to at some
point learn whether that person can
reciprocate those things so yes she
doesn't want to give all of her time to
this person at once yes she doesn't want
to suddenly give all of the physical
affection to someone in day two that she
would give to someone in month six of a
relationship but unless we start to
bravely give some of the things that we
ultimately want to get back we'll never
see if that person's able to reciprocate
now if we're never being touchy-feely
with someone or holding their hand or
giving them a kiss on the street because
we're scared that by doing those things
they're going to think we're too much
we're also never learning if they can be
the kind of person that makes us happy
have you ever been in a relationship
where you really like affection and the
other person doesn't that's going to
make you miserable you know it if you
felt it if you've been there
so during the dating process I'd be more
concerned about can this person be
physically affectionate is that in them
if my physical affection scares someone
away then I've scared away someone who's
not compatible with me I can't keep
taking the lesson that oh my God I
should never have given that affection
because it scared them away that's the
wrong lesson to learn number five
whenever you find yourself playing it
too cool in early dating
remember that it is your standards that
ultimately allow you to hold on to your
power not your indifference when we
communicate interest in somebody there's
always the fallback of our standards we
communicate a little interest we see
what happens and if that person shows
that they cannot meet our needs we can
always have the standard of saying this
isn't enough for me I don't get enough
of my needs met in this situation and in
early dating we can't have so many needs
that someone says oh my God you're
literally we've only known each other
two weeks and you're already asking for
everything that you would get from a
relationship from this situation that's
having needs that are out of context
needs that should be reserved for
someone that we know better that are
being placed on someone we don't know
very well at all if we find that even
our most basic needs aren't being met
the need for respect the need for a
level of consistency in the way that
this person is reaching out to us or the
Cadence of seeing each other and talking
to each other the need for uh a level of
affection when we are together if our
needs aren't being met in that area
our standards is what say are what saves
us and allows us to hold on to our power
people often think of standards as this
very kind of aggressive thing like I am
telling you this is what you have to do
and this is what I need from you and
often standards can seem a little over
the top and even entitled for someone
that we don't know very well it's like
how why are you asking me for all of
this we don't even know each other very
well standards to me in early dating are
often quieter
standards are just where we direct our
energy and if I don't get enough back
from you then I am going to take my
energy and direct it somewhere else to
other parts of my life or other people
other dates and when you feel that I can
explain why that is if you're asking me
that question but you're quickly going
to realize that if you don't give me
more you're not gonna get more that's a
standard a standard doesn't always have
to be spoken and that's what I was
talking about with the idea of the
photograph just because you gave
attention to someone last week just
because you showed interest last month
it doesn't mean that they still have it
and your standards
are what shows someone that they don't
still have it in the same way that they
did before because when they come back
asking for what they got last month
they're going to quickly realize there
are consequences to not meeting you
where you're at and a standard is a much
better way to hold on to our power than
just indifference that's ultimately
playing it cool is a form of
indifference I'm holding on to my power
by being indifferent to you but we all
know as because we're not
indifferent we actually like the person
we actually want to see where it could
go and unfortunately if we're not
vulnerable with a person we'll never see
how far it could go because we're not
actually giving what we want to get from
someone else which is vulnerability
letting our guard down actually showing
up being affectionate so we have to be
willing to be vulnerable and let our
guard down but our standard is what
ultimately saves us if you don't meet me
there I can move on with my attention
and what we have to do is trust
ourselves elves to move on with our
attention if we don't get it back from
them that's what really allows us to be
bold and confident in showing someone we
like them is that we realize I the
moment I feel like you're not there with
me I can start to move on and I trust
myself to do that and not to keep
chasing your approval your attention
trying to get more of you when you're
not giving me the same as I'm giving to
you and in order to do that in order to
have that self-trust we have to root it
in something real that always is I know
that I can be happy without you I know
that I don't need you you could be an
incredible addition to my life building
something with you could be amazing
seeing where this goes could be amazing
but I do not need you see when we don't
need someone we're free to enjoy them
when we need them
we can no longer enjoy them because when
we feel like someone has our happiness
in the palm of their hand
we can't be ourselves because we're
constantly under threat we're constantly
trying to appease you and make you happy
and second guess what you want because
I'm afraid that you're going to take
away my happiness if you can't take away
my happiness then I can really be myself
with you and we can really see what this
could be now for those of you who know
deep down you haven't got to that place
where you can feel safe and secure and
happy without someone and be honest with
yourself right now I'm really asking you
this because people love on Instagram to
say I'm good on my own I love my own
company I'm happy just with me people
will love saying things like that
because they sound good but most people
don't actually behave like that most
people the moment they come across
someone they think is super attractive
someone who represents a level of
Charisma or Charm or sexiness something
that makes them very eligible
immediately that goes out of the window
and you know it goes out of the window
because you start to see people chasing
people that aren't worthy of that
chasing they start to overvalue someone
to get anxious around them to fear their
abandonment they get anxiously attached
I'm asking you honestly right now if you
identify with those feelings
because if you do
that's not your fault
that comes from something in your life
it comes from somewhere in your life a
time where you real where you've thought
you had to chase people to get their
approval or just growing up and feeling
like you weren't enough on your own you
had something to prove or other people
were better than you or that you'd never
be okay on your own that you'd never
survive so you go looking for someone
that can make you feel safe somewhere
along the way we learned this wiring
that we're not safe that I'm not okay on
my own that I'm not enough unless I'm
validated by somebody else
and those are the root cause of the
reasons why we end up chasing people and
in order to protect ourselves rather
than be vulnerable in a constructive and
Powerful way we feel like it's safer
just to be indifferent and to numb
ourselves and to detach ourselves and
keep someone at arm's length if you know
this is you and you relate to this the
kind of work that gets people to feel
safe in their own bodies to feel happy
on their own to feel like they don't
need that approval or that validation
from other people is exactly the kind of
work I do on the virtual Retreat and I'm
doing one final virtual Retreat this
year in June from the 2nd to the fourth
I also have incredible support in this
Dr rahmani is joining me for this and
she's going to be helping you as well
overcome the trauma of your life so this
is a team of heavyweights coming to you
on this virtual Retreat this is a moment
in time that I don't want you to miss is
especially if you know there are
patterns that exist for you that have
not and will not go away on their own
and after 15 years of coaching people
I'm here to tell you they do not go away
on their own they go away by us doing
the work and the work is what we are
going to do in June so to apply come to
MH
virtualretreat.com and if you get there
and you have questions and you want to
know how does this program apply to me
what will it do specifically for me in
my situation I have a very small family
of people that I love and Trust who can
talk to you about it and talk you
through the process as well in a
tailored way to your life you'll find
all of that information on the page for
how to book your call with one of them
but go over there now before you forget
plug this date in your diary the second
to the 4th of June and go find out about
it at
mhvirtualretreat.com thank you for
watching and like always I'll see you
next week
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