Therapist Explains Why You Don't Feel Anything Anymore... (Alexithymia 101)
Summary
TLDRThe video script delves into alexithymia, a personality trait characterized by an inability to identify and describe one's own emotions. It discusses how this emotional 'color blindness' can lead to issues in motivation, finding purpose, addiction, and relationship problems. The script highlights the importance of emotional awareness and suggests that while alexithymia is often associated with men, it is increasingly affecting women due to societal changes and technology's impact on emotional circuitry. It concludes with the hopeful message that emotional awareness can be improved, offering a potential solution to the problems caused by alexithymia.
Takeaways
- 🧠 Alexithymia is a personality trait characterized by difficulty in recognizing, understanding, and describing one's own emotions, often leading to problems in motivation, addiction, and relationships.
- 👶 The development of emotional awareness begins early in life and is influenced by how caregivers respond to a child's emotional expressions, which can predispose individuals to alexithymia if not properly addressed.
- 🌟 Lack of emotional awareness, such as in alexithymia, can lead to a lack of direction and purpose in life, as well as an inability to find intrinsic motivation.
- 🔄 Alexithymia has been associated with exacerbating psychological problems like addiction, where individuals may not recognize the emotional stressors leading to relapse.
- 💔 Difficulty in relationships is common among alexithymic individuals due to challenges in expressing emotions and understanding the emotional needs of others, leading to miscommunication and conflict.
- 🚹 There is a concept called 'normative male alexithymia,' suggesting that societal norms may influence men to suppress certain emotions, particularly those perceived as signs of weakness.
- 📉 Technology use, particularly social media and video games, has been linked to increased alexithymia by suppressing emotional circuitry in the brain, affecting emotional development and awareness.
- 🧘♂️ There is evidence that alexithymia can be improved through practices that enhance emotional awareness, such as meditation, which can lead to better mental health outcomes.
- 🤝 Communication in relationships is a critical area where alexithymia can cause issues, as individuals may struggle to articulate their feelings and needs, leading to misunderstandings and resentment.
- 💡 The script emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing alexithymia to improve various aspects of life, including personal motivation, overcoming addiction, and fostering healthier relationships.
Q & A
What is alexithymia and how does it relate to a child's early emotional learning?
-Alexithymia is the inability to experience and identify one's internal emotional state, often described as emotional color blindness. In children, it can manifest when they are unable to interpret their feelings correctly, such as not knowing whether to laugh or cry after falling down, depending on the adults' reactions around them.
How is alexithymia associated with problems in motivation and finding purpose in life?
-Alexithymia has been linked to motivational problems because individuals with this condition often lack awareness of their internal emotional state, which is crucial for finding direction and purpose in life. They may feel a lack of meaning or struggle to understand why they are on Earth, unlike others who seem motivated and driven.
In what ways can alexithymia contribute to addiction and relapse?
-Alexithymia can exacerbate addiction issues because those with this condition may not be aware of the emotional stressors that lead to substance use. They might not recognize the gradual build-up of negative emotions and, without this awareness, they are more likely to relapse when these emotions become overwhelming.
How does alexithymia manifest in relationship problems?
-Alexithymia can lead to relationship issues due to the difficulty in understanding and communicating one's emotions. This can result in mixed signals, resentment, and confusion, as individuals may not be able to express their feelings effectively or understand the emotional needs of their partners.
What is the 'Right in the Fields' event and how does it aim to help participants?
-The 'Right in the Fields' event is a challenge designed to help participants build emotional awareness over six weeks. It focuses on identifying simple and complex emotions, recognizing intensity, participating in emotional regulation, and reflecting on emotions, with a particular focus on six emotions: shame, fear, boredom, anger, sadness, and happiness.
What are the four main features of alexithymia?
-The four main features of alexithymia are: 1) difficulty identifying feelings, 2) difficulty describing feelings to others, 3) an externally oriented thinking style that is stimulus-bound, meaning motivation relies on external factors, and 4) a constricted imagination, which can result in less emotive dreams and difficulty envisioning the future.
How does 'normative male alexithymia' affect the emotional expression and understanding of men?
-Normative male alexithymia refers to the cultural expectation that men should express limited emotions, primarily anger or frustration. This can lead to men being less in touch with their full range of emotions and more prone to alexithymia, which in turn affects their emotional understanding and expression.
What is the impact of technology use on emotional development and alexithymia?
-Increased technology use, including social media and video games, has been shown to suppress emotional circuitry in the brain. This suppression can hinder emotional development, particularly during critical periods, and contribute to the development of alexithymia by reducing emotional awareness and understanding.
How does alexithymia relate to purpose and motivation in one's life?
-Alexithymia can hinder an individual's ability to find purpose and motivation because it involves a lack of connection with one's internal emotional state, which is essential for inspiration and drive. Without the ability to tap into these emotions, individuals may struggle to find meaning and direction in their lives.
What are some strategies to overcome alexithymia and its associated problems?
-Overcoming alexithymia involves increasing emotional awareness and literacy. Strategies can include therapy, meditation, journaling, and other practices that help individuals identify, understand, and express their emotions. Developing healthy coping mechanisms and learning to communicate emotions effectively are also key components.
Outlines
🧠 Understanding Emotions and Alexithymia
The speaker discusses how attachment in early childhood shapes our understanding of emotions. They introduce alexithymia as a condition characterized by an inability to recognize and describe one's own emotions, likening it to emotional color blindness. Alexithymia is associated with a lack of motivation, difficulty finding purpose in life, and exacerbates psychological issues such as addiction. The talk aims to explore alexithymia and its manifestations in our lives, including its impact on relationships and emotional well-being.
🌱 Emotional Awareness and Personal Growth
This paragraph delves into the concept of emotional availability and the challenges of becoming more emotionally aware. The speaker references a Psychology Today article about men struggling with dating and the need for emotional availability. They introduce a program called 'Right in the Fields,' which aims to improve emotional awareness and regulation over six weeks. The program focuses on identifying and understanding various emotions, including happiness, which is revealed as the most common emotion felt within the community. The speaker suggests that engaging in activities that enhance emotional awareness can lead to increased happiness.
🧐 The Science Behind Alexithymia
The speaker provides a detailed explanation of alexithymia, discussing its association with motivational problems, addictions, and mental health issues. They explain the components of alexithymia, including difficulty identifying and describing feelings, an externally oriented thinking style, and a constricted imagination. The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding these components to address the problems associated with alexithymia and improve emotional intelligence.
🚹 Normative Male Alexithymia and Cultural Influences
This section explores the concept of normative male alexithymia, suggesting that societal norms and cultural upbringing play a significant role in the development of alexithymia, particularly in men. The speaker discusses how men are often raised to express limited emotions, such as anger, and how this can lead to alexithymia. They also touch on the changing dynamics, with women increasingly showing alexithymic traits, possibly due to the rise of technology and its impact on emotional development.
🔍 The Impact of Alexithymia on Purpose and Motivation
The speaker examines how alexithymia can hinder an individual's ability to find purpose and motivation in life. They discuss the internal voice and how it can be suppressed by controlling parents or negative childhood experiences, leading to alexithymia. The speaker also explains the relationship between emotions and motivation, suggesting that emotional awareness is crucial for driving motivation and finding one's purpose.
💔 Alexithymia and Its Link to Addiction
In this paragraph, the speaker discusses the connection between alexithymia and addiction, highlighting that individuals with alexithymia are more prone to relapse due to their inability to recognize and manage their emotions. They mention the importance of emotional awareness in developing healthy coping mechanisms and the role of emotional suppression in the development of addiction.
🗣️ Communication Challenges in Relationships
The speaker addresses the communication difficulties that arise from alexithymia, particularly in relationships. They describe how individuals with alexithymia may come across as cold and distant, struggle with assertive communication, and may exhibit beta mindset behaviors. The speaker also touches on the reluctance of men to engage in couples therapy due to their perceived inability to express emotions effectively.
🔄 The Cycle of Insecurity and Control in Relationships
This section delves into the specific dynamics of relationships affected by alexithymia, illustrating how a lack of emotional awareness can lead to insecurity, paranoia, and controlling behavior. The speaker uses an example of a man who feels threatened by his partner's male colleagues and explains how his inability to express his true feelings of insecurity and fear can lead to conflict and the breakdown of the relationship.
🌐 The Broader Implications of Alexithymia
The speaker discusses the broader implications of alexithymia, noting its correlations with various mental health diagnoses and addictive behaviors. They emphasize the importance of emotional awareness in addressing issues related to purpose, motivation, and relationships. The speaker concludes by highlighting the potential for change, suggesting that while alexithymia may have been considered a personality trait, it can be managed and improved through increased emotional awareness.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Alexithymia
💡Emotional Awareness
💡Attachment Theory
💡Emotional Regulation
💡Internal Motivation
💡Externally Oriented Thinking
💡Constricted Imagination
💡Emotional Color Blindness
💡Relapse
💡Social Non-Assertive Communication
Highlights
Attachment is crucial for learning to identify and respond to our internal emotions.
Alexithymia is the inability to experience one's internal emotional state, often likened to emotional color blindness.
Alexithymia is associated with motivational problems, a lack of direction and purpose in life.
Individuals with alexithymia may appear unmotivated and struggle with understanding their existence's meaning.
Alexithymia can exacerbate psychological issues such as addiction by masking emotional stressors that lead to relapse.
People with alexithymia often send mixed signals in relationships due to their difficulty in recognizing and expressing emotions.
Right in the Fields is a program designed to enhance emotional awareness and potentially boost emotional intelligence (EQ).
The most common emotion felt in the community is happiness, suggesting a positive impact from engaging in emotional awareness activities.
Alexithymia is characterized by difficulty identifying feelings, describing them to others, and having an externally oriented thinking style.
Individuals with alexithymia may have constricted imaginations, affecting their ability to envision and plan for the future.
Normative male alexithymia refers to the cultural expectation for men to suppress emotions other than anger or frustration.
Anorexia nervosa and major depressive disorder have been linked with higher rates of alexithymia.
Technology use, particularly social media and video games, can contribute to alexithymia by suppressing emotional circuitry.
Alexithymia can lead to purpose and motivation issues as individuals struggle to find internal inspiration and direction.
Emotional awareness is key to overcoming alexithymia, with potential benefits seen in reduced addiction relapses and improved mental health.
The speaker developed a meditation program focusing on emotional awareness that showed positive outcomes in addiction recovery.
Transcripts
attachment is how we learn what we feel
on the inside so a child early on
doesn't know what they're feeling right
so if I'm an 18 month old and I'm
walking around and I Stumble and fall do
I feel hurt should I panic or should I
laugh and if the adults in the room are
terrified oh my God little Timmy fell
down then the child starts crying he's
like oh crap today what we're going to
talk about is Alexa thymia so Alexa
thyme is the inability to experience
your internal emotional state and what I
kind of view this as is almost like an
emotional color blindness so a lot of
times what we don't really realize but a
lot of our problems actually come from
an inability to experience our internal
emotional state we're not really aware
of what we're feeling on the inside and
there's actually a lot of science that
shows that being unaware of what you're
feeling can lead to all kinds of
problems so alexithymia has been
associated with problems with motivation
and finding direction and purpose in
life so so if you're someone who kind of
like is going through life but you're
not really sure you know what's the
point like you don't know why you're on
this Earth You don't really like you
look around at other people and you see
like oh these people are so motivated
like they get up every day and they're
striving for something but I get up
every day and it's just kind of like a
haze right I don't know really why I'm
here I'm just sort of existing instead
of living and that's actually been tied
to alexithymia we also find that Alexa
thymia is a common culprit in a lot of
psychological problems so leads to
problems or not leads to but exacerbates
problems like addiction so people who
are Lexa thymic are more prone to
addiction will even dive into a lot of
my clinical experience with working with
people with addiction which I don't know
if you all have struggled with this
yourself or maybe you have a friend who
will say yeah I was doing great I was
like sober for six months and then I
don't know what happened I just relapsed
one day and it was out of the blue but
what you'll really discover when you
work with those people is it really
wasn't out of the blue and what was
actually going on is that there were
slight emotional stressors that were
building up over time building up over
time building up over time this really
good Neuroscience to support this and
then when those stressors got
overwhelming the person ended up
relapsing and remember that these people
are colorblind to this which is why they
don't really they're not aware of it
they think everything is fine even
though problems are building in the
background and Alexa thyme is also a
culprit for problems in relationships so
what we tend to find is that when we
don't understand what we're feeling it
creates all kinds of stresses in
relationships we start to send mixed
signals because someone asks us hey is
it okay if I you know go to this party
without you and you're like yeah it's
fine like whatever and then you kind of
feel resentful but you don't know how to
vocalize that resentment you feel
ashamed for feeling that resentment and
so as a result it kind of sabotages your
relationship because you said it was
okay but now you're punishing this
person for something that you gave them
permission for so lexithiamia has been
associated with all these kinds of
things and what I'd love to do is dive
into really what alexithymia is today as
well as a little bit about how it
manifests in different dimensions and in
our lives okay so something else cool to
show y'all so a couple months maybe a
month ago we looked at a very popular
Psychology today article where there was
a psychologist who was talking about how
men are struggling and dating and what
they need to do is become more
emotionally available I think the
article is really useful in a lot of way
made a lot of good points
but I think the challenge is you can say
like okay like people need to be more
emotionally available my question is how
how do you learn to be emotionally
available can you go sign up for
emotional availability class everyone is
saying the world needs to be a
particular place or gen Z needs to stop
being so entitled or this quiet quitting
is a problem or men need to be
emotionally available and so as the
emphasis on emotional awareness
increases we've got events like right in
the fields right in the fields is all
about helping you understand your
emotions grazing awareness of emotions
hopefully helping you regulate your
emotions so that you can kind of boost
your EQ a little bit so I'd love to
share with you all what we've discovered
so far so here is our right in the
fields of motion tracking I just wanted
to share this with you all today so the
most common emotion that we feel in our
community is actually happiness which is
something that you sometimes wouldn't
get you look sometimes at our community
and it's like oh man like people are
like struggling so much but actually
this is what's cool is like a lot of
people are happy a lot of people are
building their lives and starting to be
happy it's like awesome that happiness
is actually the number one winner now
there may be some kind of selection bias
here and this is something I encourage
you all to think about for people who
are participating in the event I think
there's a greater likelihood that those
people will be happy now we have to be
careful here because are they if I'm
happy does that mean I'm more more
likely to participate in stuff maybe but
I think there's another subtle
Association here which is it's people
who participate in stuff like this that
actually improve their emotions the
likelihood to participate in activities
that help you understand your emotional
awareness the kind of people who will
sign up for this are the kinds of people
who have done other stuff because
they're more likely to sign up and as
you do more stuff you will become more
happy so out of the first 4 000 people
how many of them did touch grass there's
probably a really high overlap in fact
it's probably the people who did touch
grass and really improved from it that
are signing up for this too because
they're like wow that was so awesome and
so the key thing here is that I don't
think that happiness necessarily makes
you sign up but the more likely you are
to sign up for something and engage with
something the more likely you are to
actually wind up being more happy so
other stuff so what is right in the
fields so it's a challenge to help you
identify the emotions you struggle with
and build emotional awareness over six
weeks so we're going to start by
identifying simple emotions identifying
complex emotions identifying obscure
emotions recognizing intensity
participate in emotional regulation and
do emotional reflection and we're going
to focus on six emotions over six weeks
shame fear boredom anger sadness and
happiness hold on a second are you
saying that boredom is an emotion and of
course in order to encourage
participation we're gonna bribe y'all
because that's what we have to do is
there are rewards Discord events
um that we're going to be talking about
and so check it out so let's take a look
so let's talk about alexithymia okay
so alexithymia is the inability
to detect
internal emotional state
alexithymia has been associated with
motivational problems
we've already said
purpose has been associated with
addictions and other mental health
problems right and these are not just
um diagnosed addictions but also like
digital addictions like YouTube and Tick
Tock and stuff like that and then lastly
relationship problems
now here's why talking about Alexa thyme
is important
a lot of people who struggle with these
three things
will go looking for answers for these
three things right does that make sense
we're looking for answers so they'll say
how do I find purpose in life and what
people will do is give them answers
about purpose so we'll say like oh like
go read inspiring things or like go out
and volunteer and go do this and go do
this and go do this and go do this and
they don't realize that the prop that
what's really in the way is actually
emotional color blindness because when
when you ask someone like if I Google
like how do I find purpose in life
you're not going to see alexithymia or
emotional colorblindness come up how do
I overcome addictions you're not going
to see Alexa timeia come up I have
problems in my relationship I I
encourage y'all go look at like you know
any kind of relationship advice
situation like go look at like a
subreddit or a forum or whatever no one
is going to say hey the problem with
this relationship is that you're
emotionally colorblind right what
they're going to do is they're gonna say
oh like this person doesn't respect your
boundaries break up with them and as it
turns out there's actually good
scientific evidence that all of these
things are influenced by alexithymia so
let's take a look look at what are the
components of alexithymia okay
so number one is difficulty
identifying feelings
okay and now we're going to see so
number two is difficulty
describing feelings to others
right
you'll see maybe how this can relate to
relationship problems if I can't
describe what I'm feeling number three
is y'all ready for this this is going to
be a KO okay
stimulus bound
externally
oriented
thinking Style
now you may say what does this mean Dr K
this means that in order for you to be
motivated to do something there must be
a stimulus from the outside that causes
your motivation an externally oriented
thinking style means that you need
external deadlines
pressure
these are both stimuli right do you all
get that in order to act
now that's kind of interesting because
this seems like a huge problem right I
can't bring myself to do something until
there's some kind of consequence or
deadline I'm like externally motivated
and it turns out that being externally
motivated is correlated and is one of
the features of being internally
colorblind which sort of makes sense
right because if I'm blind to my
internal drivers I'm going to need to
rely on external deadlines and pressures
and things like that in order to act the
last thing that's kind of interesting is
a constricted
imagination
and you may say well wait a second what
does imagination have to do with
internal colorblindness so there are
studies that show that literally people
who have alexithymia will have more
logical and like less emotive dreams so
they'll have dreams that are like really
kind of run-of-the-mill kind of like
emotionally Bland kind of stuff and what
I've seen when I work with people who
are Alexa thymic is I'll ask them one
really important question I'll ask them
where do you want to be in five years
and when I ask this you know where do
you want to be in five years question
people who are lexithymic are like I
have no idea I can't even imagine it
they can very much vocalize I don't like
that I'm living at home I don't like
that I'm alone I don't like and they'll
use these words like like
or don't like right they won't say I'm
ashamed of living at home I feel
pathetic about myself they'll say yeah I
don't want this this needs to change
needs to change
and then the problem that we get into is
that remember they're stimulus bound so
even though it needs to change if your
parents aren't kicking you out of their
basement then you're never going to
leave and so they have difficulty
Imagining the future and by the way
difficulty Imagining the future leads to
a lack of purpose because if we think
about those people that we want to be
like right who have purpose and are
driven for something can devote 20 years
of their life to create a dream but if
you can't even imagine what the future
would be like how are you supposed to
have visions to go towards how are you
supposed to find goals and what we end
up doing when we're alexathymic is since
we don't we're not in touch with
ourselves what we end up doing is just
looking at external
sources
for inspiration
so we end up with this kind of bland
materialism where we look around and
we're like I don't really want this but
I guess it would be nice I should move
out of the house I should get in shape I
should start eating healthy I should
start making more money because we like
look at all these things but we don't
have this internal driver we're stimulus
bound and so we just kind of like look
outside of ourselves and we're like okay
I guess I should do that because that
looks good okay so these are the four
features of Alexa timeia and as we'll
see we're going to break down how these
already how these lead to these three
common problems so let's talk a little
bit about the origins of alexithymia
so how does someone become Alexa thymic
so the first thing to understand is that
there's alexithymia is more often found
in men than in women so there's even
something called
um
I forget the exact uh yeah normative
male
alexithymia
so let's talk about normative male
alexithymia for a second
so what do we mean by normative male
alexithymia what we mean is that
researchers have sort of found that a
certain amount of alexithymia is normal
in men and why is this so if you look at
how men are sort of culturally raised
we're really raised to express one
emotion so frustration or anger that's
really the only thing that you're
allowed to feel as a man growing up this
is sort of changing now thankfully but I
just saw a social media clip about you
know how men shouldn't cry from a
conservative commentator but so this is
kind of normal where we're sort of
taught like you know if you think about
like you know a 13 year old kid who's
playing sports and they they feel afraid
to go to the big match and when they
feel fear what are they taught or is
that an acceptable emotion no fear is
something that needs to be conquered
fear is for the weak and heaven forbid
you feel ashamed right because like
crying and feeling shame like those
aren't acceptable emotions those are
also emotions of weakness what are the
emotions that a strong man feels a
strong man feels anger righteousness
right and what I really find is that for
a lot of men that I've worked with and
we'll get to women in a second because
things are changing very rapidly is that
anger sort of forms an umbrella emotion
so I'll give you all kind of a simple
example okay
so let's say I get rejected by someone
that I'm interested in let's assume a
heteronormative relationship between a
man and a woman so when I feel rejected
by someone there are all kinds of things
that normally come with rejection right
so there could be fear that I'll be
alone forever shame at myself for being
rejected feelings of low self-worth but
is that what I say do I go to my friends
and I say hey this per I asked this
person out they turn me down and now I'm
afraid that I don't have the basic
qualities necessary for being in a
relationship I'm afraid of being alone
for the rest of my life you know like
I'm just really scared about what this
means for my future that's not how we
talk right instead what you tend to see
is what what it's a lot of considered
toxic uh masculinity which is like oh
yeah like she dumped me like screw her
and then my friends will also say yeah
like you deserve better right and that
what they'll kind of do is they'll like
they'll kind of ramp me up and this is
just true of man this absolutely happens
with women as well where people will say
yeah you dodged a bullet oh yeah that
person doesn't deserve you and they'll
take all those fears and shames and
loneliness and what they'll do is
they'll like replace them with anger
screw screw that person they'll get mad
at this person for hurting you and so
it's very easy for anger to become the
umbrella emotion that's the thing that
we're kind of normalized to feel
a couple of other uh considerations here
is that in my opinion this is changing
rapidly and I've seen more women who are
Alexa thymic in the last you know if we
look at like when I started med school
in 2010 I'd say the nature of
alexithymia and the discrepancy between
men and women is shrinking so there's
good evidence that a lot of women are
alexithymic as well so for example if we
look at anorexia nervosa so this is a
diagnosis that predominantly affects
women 63 percent of people with anorexia
nervosa will be Alexa thymic okay 50 of
people
with major depressive disorder will be
alexithymic about probably less than 10
percent of the population is severely
alexithymic which is pretty big and then
like probably you know up to 30 to 50
percent of the population is moderately
or mildly electronic I'm not entirely
sure about that number and so what we're
seeing is that this is probably changing
rapidly why is it changing rapidly so
the first is that there's some good news
which is that men are getting more in
touch with our their emotions that's
something that you know we try to do
here and other people are trying to do
as well I think um women especially are
starting to recognize that men have
difficulty with emotions so thank you
you for your support the other thing
that's happening with Alexa thyme is
increasing technology use and this isn't
gender specific and what we see with
increasing technology use is that using
any kind of social media
or video game
suppresses our emotional circuitry like
the limbic system so this is like the
amygdala to a certain degree the
hippocampus couple of other areas and so
what happens is if we spend eight hours
a day using technology those are eight
hours of the day where our emotional
circuitry is being suppressed and as our
emotional circuitry enters this chronic
state of suppression and more
importantly as it gets suppressed during
periods of critical development so if
I'm a teenager and I feel really bad
about myself normally like so a lot of
teenagers feel bad about themselves and
to a certain degree we can't escape
those feelings so we are by definition
forced to deal with them right so I'm
moping around the house my parents
notice something is wrong they try to
talk to him about it I reject them I go
hang out with my friends this is kind of
when I was growing up when I was a
teenager like back in the 90s right and
there was a certain amount of like
emotions I couldn't escape from I
started falling into a video game
addiction because that's when I started
to escape from my emotions and now what
we're seeing is a generation of kids
kids who have a very very very easy
escape from their emotions and as we
have escapes from our emotions we don't
develop them we don't develop our
internal understanding of them so as
technology use is increasing we're
seeing that normative male lexithymia is
starting to actually get balanced out
and I think a lot of women I'd say women
now are more alexithymic compared to Men
I'm not saying they're more than men but
the Gap seems to be shrinking with
technology use okay so the internet is
essentially dulling our emotions so as
our emotions get dulled what kind of
problems does this create so the first
is let's talk about purpose
and motivation hey chat subscribing to
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subscribe and click a bell now let me
ask you all a question how do you find
purpose in life so like how do you find
it do you go outside walking down the
street and then you find it do you
Google your way to an answer do you
randomly go and volunteer until you
discover purpose in your life that's not
that doesn't really work right so I
don't know how to say this but purpose
comes from inspiration and what do we
what do we mean by purpose comes from
inspiration it's kind of like if you
find my purpose my purpose doesn't come
from outside of me it comes from within
me and what I've seen more and more in
our society is that we've got
when people have difficulty finding
purpose what I tend to see is that their
internal voice has been squashed so I'll
see this a lot with controlling parents
for example so parents who will say like
I don't care what you want you need to
do what I tell you to do we see a lot of
gifted kids who struggle with finding
purpose and I think one of the middle
connecting pieces is actually
alexithymia because these are kids whose
potential was realized right that or
noticed by their parents and their
parents were like oh you're too smart to
do ABC forget what your internal voice
is I don't want you to spend time in art
class I want you to go you know be an
entrepreneur Tech genius at the age of
19. and so a lot of times what we're
seeing is that people have difficulty
finding purpose because those internal
voices were squashed by controlling
parents we also tend to find that people
who have difficulty finding purpose were
also neglected or dealt with some a kind
of abuse or had Early Childhood
experiences
or poor attachment formation so remember
that attachment is how we form human
relationships and the attachment Theory
also teaches us or attachment is how we
learn what we feel on the inside so a
child early on doesn't know what they're
feeling right so if I'm an 18 month old
and I'm walking around and I Stumble and
fall do I feel hurt should I panic or
should I laugh and if you look at an 18
year old who stumbles and Falls the
first thing that they're going to do is
look to the adults in the room and if
the adults in the room are terrified oh
my God little Timmy fell down then the
child starts crying he's like oh crap I
should be worried right now everyone
else is worried and so then a child
learns to that they learn to recognize
their feelings by looking at the faces
of others similarly if that same child
turns to everyone else and everyone else
starts laughing then the child will
start laughing too and they'll be like
oh this is funny and so what ends up
happening is if we grow up in neglectful
households so we're not talking
necessarily about abuse but even if you
you have a parent single parent
household who works two jobs and they're
not around to reflect your emotions back
to you what we discover is that these
kids grow up to be Alexa time and as
they grow to be Alexa thymic they
struggle because they don't know how to
look into themselves and as they don't
as they don't know how to look into
themselves they can't find purpose and
what they end up doing is looking
outside of themselves for some kind of
compass or goal to move towards I have
no idea what I want in my life if you
ask me so now we can kind of go back to
some of our data right so if we kind of
go back to this if you ask me what I
want I have constricted imagination I
have no idea what I want what I want is
to have purpose what I want is to no
longer live this life I want this life
to change that's what they want this is
also where you see people who are
externally motivated and why are they
externally motivated because they're
colorblind to themselves because
remember what is the relationship
between emotion
and motivation
if we want to understand this
go watch a movie any movie doesn't
matter what the movie is when there's a
protagonist hero or heroine what
motivates them to overcome to Triumph
against adversity dig really deep and
beat that final boss is it logic when
the hero is losing or heroin is losing
in that critical period comes do they go
to the library and do the next four
hours of the movie show them doing
exhaustive research in logical
mathematical proofs to discover the
solution and then they hand or Treatise
about how the villain is being a bad
person to them that is logically perfect
and then the then they show that the the
villain is flipping through the pages
and then realizes logically I'm defeated
and then the movie ends no you never see
people furiously reading things on
Wikipedia and listening to podcasts in
order to triumph over adversity and find
motivation to keep going right what do
you see emotions and if you think about
the periods of your life where you've
been the most motivated chances are
emotions have something to do with it
all those moments of life where you're
like never again I'm never gonna be in
this situation again or you feel
inspired to create right is that like
logically you're like oh I guess I
should do this no you feel inspiration
and how are you supposed to feel
inspiration if you're emotionally
colorblind there's a lot of good
evidence to support this as well so we
know that the amygdala
which is our fear Center is really good
at putting the brakes on our frontal
lobes it can just shut them straight off
so our frontal lobes are responsible for
our executive function which is planning
and executing tasks so we can wake up
this morning and say okay I've got this
to-do list and I've got 14 things to do
and our amygdala is like yeah we're
afraid to leave in the house we're not
going to do that today and you're like
all right well I guess I'm not going to
do anything today but you don't realize
it because now the problem with Alexa
thyme is you're blind to this component
so what do these people actually
experience they experience a motivation
I'm just not motivated to do anything
they don't see the emotions holding them
back because what keeps us from acting
negative emotions fear of Shame fear of
rejection fear so purpose and motivation
are absolutely tied to alexithymia next
up let's talk about addictions so
there's evidence that shows people who
relapse are emotionally unaware so if
you look at when people use the more
that someone is able to identify what
they are feeling in the moment the less
likely they are to use a substance so
for example this is why a uses call your
sponsor if you're struggling right let's
think about that why should you call
your sponsor if you're struggling when
you call your sponsor first of all let's
understand what struggling means what is
the experience of struggling feeling
negative emotions
why don't we say call your sponsor if
you're feeling negative emotions why do
we use the word struggling because we're
Alexa thymic and we don't even know what
these are so all we experience is the
struggle do you all see that our
experience of it is just that life is
hard because we don't even know that
struggling struggling is not a real
thing it's an umbrella term what a
struggle like what does it mean to
strong things are hard well what does
that mean it's hard for me to do
something well okay what makes it hard
well I'm terrified of asking my boss for
a raise because I don't want to be
perceived as greedy okay now we see that
there's potential for shame now we see
that there's fear now we see that
there's anxiety but what we do when
we're alexithymic is we just say I'm
struggling bro I'm struggling and I've
seen this clinically a lot where I'll
like work with people and I'll ask them
I'll be like hey so like you know you
were sober for six months what happened
they'll say I don't know what happened I
just relapsed I was good one day and
then suddenly I wasn't good it just
happened and the more that I tunnel down
out with those people I don't know if
you all have friends who have struggled
with addiction or you yourself have
struggled with addiction and I don't
know how to say this but like if RNG is
responsible for whether you you stay
sober or not like that's not a winning
strategy right because when someone says
it just happened that's RNG there's
nothing you can do like if it just
happened what can you do to overcome it
you can't do anything oh I guess just in
the future just make sure it doesn't
happen again well how so the more that I
work with those people what we actually
tunnel down into is it didn't just
happen there was a slow burn of negative
emotion that reached a certain Tipping
Point was overwhelming and you didn't
know how to cope because here's the
common element of all addictions what is
the one thing that unifies all
addictions emotional coping the one
thing right so whether I'm shooting up
heroin or I'm addicted to shopping what
they do is manipulate my emotions so any
substance will kind of mellow you out or
maybe activate you right make help you
feel good sometimes that's Euphoria but
other kinds of Behavioral addictions
like technology addictions they dull our
emotional circuitry and so as we dull
our emotional circuitry this is really
important to understand it doesn't make
the emotions go away we just lose sight
of it and as we lose sight of it it
starts to act in other dimensions of our
life it always seeps out that emotional
energy is there in the brain it just
affects different parts of our brain in
different ways just because I'm unaware
of the activity of amygdala does not
mean that the amygdala does not
interfere with my frontal lobes doesn't
mean that I don't feel fear and it keeps
me trapped at home right so the effects
on the brain are absolutely there we
just aren't aware of them so we see with
alexithymia is that people who are
addicted there's actually excellent
research on this by Dr volkau volkau I
don't know how to pronounce it but she's
awesome neuroscientist who talks about
the neurobiology of addiction and she
actually has isolated that they're like
particular emotional circuits in the
brain that as we raise awareness of our
emotions or we look at people who are
how are the brains of people who are
addicted different from the brains of
people who aren't and there's one of the
major benefits sorry one of the major
differences is that people who are
vulnerable to addiction have a lower
level of emotional awareness and
literally their brains are wired in a
different way so what we tend to find is
that people who are not aware of their
emotions can't manage them so this is
where like here's the tricky thing so if
I'm not aware that my negative emotions
are building up how am I supposed to
healthily cope with them right because
the goal of overcoming an addiction is
you have to develop healthy coping
mechanisms fantastic let's develop
healthy coping let's meditate but if I'm
not even aware that I'm feeling anxious
like I'm not even going to bother to
meditate does that make sense so in
order to develop healthy coping
mechanisms we have to know when we need
to cope in a healthy Manner and if we're
laxatimic we don't even realize it so
let's move on now we get into some real
problems okay so here's what we tend to
find in people who are Lexa thymic and
what their relationships look like
oftentimes they are cold and distant
when it comes to communication so in
their relationships they like feel
distant so this is what we would call
emotional
unavailability I'm looking for someone
who's emotionally available that's
someone who is not cold and distant
let's think about what the opposite is
right so warm
and present
this equals emotional availability and I
want you all to think a little bit about
okay if you're cold and distant in a
relationship think about your parents
right where your parents warm and
present or were they cold and distant a
second feature if you look at the
science of alexithymia and look at if
you take people who are Lexa thymic and
look at what else what other
communication patterns do you see the
other thing
y'all are gonna love this
social non-assertive
communication so sometimes this is
social anxiety
or we call this social anxiety I'm not
saying that they have a social anxiety
disorder what I'm saying is that people
who are socially non-assertive with
communication have difficulty walking up
to someone and initiating conversation
they have difficulty advocating for
themselves right they're non-assertive
in their communication style so they're
passive so this is the person who will
go to a party and will stand there in
the corner and wait for someone to talk
to them and we call that social anxiety
but this is actually associated with
alexithymia
okay next thing this is the beta mindset
right so I'm going to draw a pretty
broad correlation here I'm not saying
that this is real but what I'm saying is
if you listen to people who talk about
being betas or get called betas they're
non-assertive communicators right so
that they're people who will like have
lots of feelings but then like won't go
and ask someone out so I I think I know
it sounds kind of weird but I think a
lot of like people like this you don't
have to go and take the red pill and
become an ultra chat or things like that
what you actually just need to do is be
aware of what your what Your internal
emotional state is and as you become
more aware of your internal emotional
state you can start to be more assertive
in communication and this is where if
you look at some of like this community
right they're all about assertive
communication I think sometimes their
assertiveness crosses the the you know
the bridge into toxicity and being
harmful but I think that like this is
the kind of interesting thing about that
communities I think they've stumbled on
a lot of good stuff but I think they're
they're underlying mechanisms are not
scientifically based because what you
actually discover is that as you become
come less alexithymic we're not saying
that you need to be a better person you
just need to be aware of what you're
feeling on on the inside and as you
become aware of what you're feeling on
the inside you can start to communicate
more assertively so this is also there's
some really interesting data here to
understand about relationships which is
that if you look at men men will
oftentimes be reluctant to engage in
couples counseling there's research on
this and if you ask men why why don't
you want to go to couples therapy or why
are men resistant to couples therapy
what it actually comes down to is that
men feel like they are at a disadvantage
in terms of participating in couples
therapy and why is that it's because
they don't know how to describe they
can't describe their feelings to other
people and so what happens is they go
into couples therapy and then they have
a partner who's very emotionally
descriptive
and then they feel like their partner
does such a better job at explaining
themselves that the therapist
takes their side
and then when the therapist asks okay
what's your experience of this the dude
is like I don't know right so Men
actually feel like they're at a
disadvantage when it comes to therapy
now I'm not saying that men are at a
disadvantage that's a really really
important thing to consider so when I
work with men for example in couples
therapy what I oftentimes find is that
if I have an Alexa thymic patient man or
a woman right because a lot of women can
be alexithymic too it's my job as the
couple's therapist to translate this
into I'm afraid I'm ashamed
so I don't think that men are actually
at a disadvantage in couples therapy for
the record they just feel that way which
leads to their reluctance to engage and
then let's try to think through so if
you can't communicate your emotions if
you don't know what you feel and you
can't communicate emotions
what is that what happens in a
relationship
when you can't communicate your emotions
well this is where things get hard
because what happens is we get into
arguments and we get into arguments that
are very confusing because the stated
reasons that we have don't actually
match what we feel so I'll give you all
an example so I was once working with a
young man who got into a conflict with
their significant other and he was
concerned because she had a couple of
conferences and business trips lined up
where there were male colleagues that
she would go with right so it was like a
group of people from their job so it
wasn't just like one one woman and one
man but this guy was really really
concerned and he was like yeah like you
know
uh men just want one thing and the the
or his partner would say like oh you
know these are just my Prof like they're
friends of mine from work I'm not
romantically interested in them at all
they're not romantically interested in
me at all we're just friends there's
nothing for you to worry about and then
the man responds with well like that's
just not true all men just want one
thing you know they're just biting their
time like I I don't want you to go like
you know like I don't think it's good
you don't understand them and so there's
this kind of paranoia that started to
come out and sometimes would really
result in controlling Behavior right so
there's paranoia and controlling
Behavior because they're like you don't
understand men right I understand men
you're in danger I don't want you
hanging out with them I don't want you
hanging out with them when really what's
underneath is fear right so the man
isn't able to articulate I feel insecure
I'm afraid that I love you so much and I
think you're such an amazing person and
I have self-esteem problems I don't
think I deserve you I think you deserve
someone way better than me and so what
I'm afraid of is that at some point if
you spend time with other men who are
better than I am because I have
self-esteem issues eventually you will
realize that you can do better than me
and since I love you and since I care
about this relationship I don't ever
want that to happen I don't ever want to
lose you do you deserve better yes but
do I want to hang on to you absolutely
and so now what happens is unless the
man is able to vocalize that because by
the way what kind of shameful crap is
that like who says like you like who
says that kind of thing how is that chat
at all like that's the most beta stuff
you could say by the way right which is
why we suppress those kinds of thoughts
growing up and then we don't know how to
articulate them and now we see how this
leads to conflict in a relationship
because now the discussion is are all
men trying to get into your pants no
they're not and you guys are arguing up
here and then there's no resolution
because y'all are each trying to
convince each other where the real
problem is I feel insecure I'm afraid
that you're going to leave me and then
the worst part of the situation is
because that's the root problem that
leads to the paranoia and the
controlling Behavior eventually what
ends up happening to this person's
previous girlfriends they end up leaving
because he's so controlling right and
you take that to the internet and people
like oh my God that guy is so
controlling dump him and move on and
then like now what's happened now the
person has been further traumatized oh
my God my self-esteem is so much I
deserve I really didn't deserve that
people have been leaving me over and
over and over again now I really like
any decent person deserves better than
me and so then the whole cycle repeats
and what does it come down to Alexa time
you it comes down to inability to
understand what you're feeling inability
to admit to yourself that you're
insecure and sure as hell ain't gonna
communicate that to this person that I'm
afraid of leaving and so I sabotage
myself I shoot myself in the foot and we
result in a situation where there you
can't communicate with your partner and
you end up driving them away because the
actual problem in the relationship
cannot be discussed or addressed and
instead you all end up having 9 rounds
on whether all men are trying to get
into your pants or not so a lot of what
we see is controlling Behavior actually
comes from inability to understand and
articulate your own feelings now in this
example we sort of use the situation of
a mandating woman I've absolutely seen
it the other way as well right where a
lot of controlling Behavior actually
comes out of insecurity and so it's not
necessarily
men to women just just in that direction
so what we end up seeing is that
alexithymia causes all kinds of problems
and when you go look at relationship
advice stuff they're not going to say oh
yeah the problem here is that you're you
know you're emotionally colorblind what
people will say is communicate
communicate communicate but communicate
what right people say communication is
the foundation of a healthy relationship
but what to communicate what should I
say in communication what you should say
is be aware of your feelings and
communicate your feelings your drives
your desires to your partner and so I
think that Alexa thymia is a really
really common and growing problem we
know that less than 10 percent of the
population up to 10 of the population
has severe alexithymia but we also see
that there are high correlations of
alexithymia with all kinds of other
problems 63 of people with anorexia
nervosa have alexithymia we also know
that to a certain degree there is
normative male alexithymia so there's a
certain amount of the way that all men
are raised which leads to a certain
degree of alexithymia which is sort of
really allowing us to feel only one
emotion and as we feel predominantly
anger we lose sight and don't know how
to detect these other emotions as we
lose sight of those emotions which by
the way technology is increasing is
making Alexa thymia worse across the
board because the universal effect of
technology is to numb our emotional
circuitry and especially our negative
emotional circuitry so as we have a
generation of people who are becoming
more internally numb it creates all
kinds of problems that we see front and
center the first is purpose and
motivation I'm so burnt out at work well
why are you burnt out at work well I
took this job well why did you take the
job it's because I had a quiet voice
deep inside me that told me that I
really want to do this and that voice
was first squashed by my parents and
then I internalized that dialogue and
took all of my hopes and dreams and
throttled them and then I ended up
picking a job for Prestige and now I
call it quiet quitting it starts with
Alexa timing so we struggle to find
purpose we also know from lots of
research that people who are lexithymic
have difficulty with their imagination
especially around the future we also see
a lot of problems that we see with
motivation which is that a lot of people
will say oh I'm externally motivated I
can't do anything unless there's a
deadline and this is literally
associated with Alexa time it's one of
the key four features of alexithymia is
to be externally to be externally
oriented thinking and stimulus bound
which means that you don't act unless
there's an external thing that is
pushing you to act and let's think about
that for a second well why is that well
duh it's because you spent the first 20
years of your life turning down the
volume on the internal stuff which
results in alexithymia I don't know what
I'm feeling on the inside and so what
are the only things that I'm left to
motivate myself with are things from the
outside we also see other consequences
of this such as a vulnerability towards
addiction or worsening of Addicting
behaviors there are high correlations
between Alexa thymine and all kinds of
mental diagnoses so very high
correlation with autism spectrum
disorders 63 of anorexia which we talked
about about 45 percent of binge eating
disorders a lot of addictive behaviors
up to maybe 50 of people with major
depressive disorder will have will be
alexithymic as well and so what we're
starting to see is that when people get
addicted what is what is the purpose of
an addiction the purpose of an addiction
is emotional coping that's the one
uniform thing between all addictions
they help us manage our emotions and if
I'm colorblind to what I am feeling I
cannot develop a healthy coping
mechanism because I don't even know that
my my trash can is 50 full the only time
I notice it is when it's overflowing
because that's when it starts to create
problems in my life and that's when I
end up relapsing the third big Dimension
that alexithymia causes problems is
within relationships because remember
the second core feature of Alexa thyme
is difficulty describing your emotional
state to others and when I can't
articulate how I feel in a relationship
I'm sort of at a disadvantage in terms
of communication and then I don't know
how to tell my partner how I how I feel
or even and friends right where like
your friends didn't invite you to a
party and then like just imagine this
for a second like they didn't invite you
to a party and you feel hurt and left
out do you actually go to them and say
hey it was really hurtful to me that
y'all left me out I feel neglected and I
feel undervalued compared to other
friends in our friend group does anyone
talk like that maybe increasingly but
generally speaking what people will say
is there'll be some kind of like weird
passive aggressive exchange right I'll
be mad at you and be like hey by the way
I'm around in the future you don't know
how to say that to people or when you do
say it because the other person is Alexa
that I make and you say hey I feel
undervalued compared to other people
that makes your friend feel ashamed but
they don't realize that they feel
ashamed and so what they end up doing is
getting mad at you right because they
are Alexa thymic too and all they know
how to feel is anger so that shame turns
into anger and they're like all right
bro whatever you're a loser I'm out and
that's what the first person is afraid
of that they're gonna have a negative
reaction so now I can't even articulate
my feelings because you've got two
alexithymic people which explains so
many online relationships where we can't
communicate our needs to other people
right when you say hey you I feel
neglected and undervalued as part of the
group and if your friend is not
alexithymic they'll recognize oh I feel
bad I'm sorry about that it's really
hard for me to hear that especially
because I've tried to invite you three
or four times and I feel like I actually
value you more than other people in the
relationship here's my perspective that
the last three times I've invited you
you've declined or you haven't shown up
and the reason that I didn't invite you
isn't because I value you less it's
because I feel rejected when I invite
you to things and you don't show up I
start to wonder is there something wrong
with me that this person doesn't want to
hang out with me and then you all like
have a conversation about it but if
we're alexatheimic on either side let
alone both it's going to sabotage our
relationship so we tend to see that
Alexa thymia causes problems in all
three of these dimensions and the real
challenge is that unless we're aware
that Alexa thyme is even a thing we go
on Google searching answers for each of
these problems how do I get my friends
to invite me to think
that's a very common problem no one is
out there saying become more emotionally
aware
right when there's actually strong data
that suggests that Alexa time is
associated with all this so hopefully
this quick foray into like kind of
alexithymia 101 is illustrative helps
you all understand a little bit about
what's going on the good news is that
Alexa thymia is not set in stone is
there some evidence that it kind of gets
classified as a personality trait but
I've seen overwhelming clinical success
in terms of like teaching people about
their emotions so even when it comes to
addiction I developed a meditation
program for people who had addictions at
McLean Hospital where the goal the focus
of the meditation program was internal
emotional awareness because I saw this
sort of neuroscientific deficit and we
picked all of the meditations that will
help people become emotionally aware and
what did we see as we started teaching
people emotional awareness meditations
they started relapsing less but for a
brief period of time they started
feeling worse they started acknowledging
their negative emotions earlier but then
they could reach out for help so made
them feel a little bit emotionally worse
in the short term reduced relapses over
the long term and overall improved their
mental health one year out so the good
news is that there is stuff that you can
do about this you just have to really
understand that emotional awareness is a
really really key component because it's
like it's like literally chunks of our
brain are all devoted to our emotions
and if we don't really understand what
those are how to regulate them it's
going to cause all kinds of problems in
our life if you found this video helpful
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