What happens when the Narcissist Loses control over you?
Summary
TLDRIn this video, Darren Magee explores common behaviors of narcissistic individuals when they lose control or are exposed. He discusses how narcissists may react with manipulative apologies, false accusations, and attempts to regain control by influencing a victim's social circle or projecting guilt. They may also become vindictive or try to create trauma bonds to keep the victim emotionally tethered. Magee emphasizes the persistence of these tactics and the difficulty victims may face when trying to break free from such relationships, while encouraging reflection on past experiences.
Takeaways
- 😠 Narcissists may react negatively when their tactics are no longer effective and they lose control over someone.
- 🤥 Narcissistic behaviors are persistent and pervasive, including manipulation, exploitation, and lack of empathy.
- 😢 When exposed, narcissists might apologize, but often it is insincere or comes with excuses, as they are typically more sorry for the consequences than their actions.
- 🙅 Narcissists often refuse to admit their mistakes and instead resort to false accusations and gaslighting to distort the victim's perception.
- 👥 They may try to infiltrate the victim's social circle, using friends and family as agents to stalk, intimidate, and regain control.
- 😡 Narcissists project their pain and shame onto their victims, manipulating them to take responsibility for the narcissist's actions.
- 💥 They can become vindictive and act out aggressively when they lose control, including spreading rumors, damaging property, and withholding support.
- 🔁 Narcissists may create or strengthen a trauma bond with their victims to maintain control, using dependency and coercion.
- 😔 When manipulative tactics fail, narcissists might attempt to emotionally manipulate the victim into feeling guilty or responsible.
- 📢 Narcissists value themselves based on external admiration, often manipulating others to feed their need for validation and attention.
Q & A
What are some common traits of a narcissistic person?
-Narcissistic people often display entitlement, self-absorption, and a resistance to criticism. They can be exploitative, manipulative, and lack empathy. Their behaviors are consistent, persistent, and pervasive.
How might a narcissistic person react when their tactics no longer work?
-When a narcissistic person loses control, they might apologize, but often not for their actions—more for the consequences. They may also deny the truth, twist the facts, project blame, or become vindictive.
Why do narcissists seek control over others?
-Narcissists rely on admiration and validation from others to maintain their fragile sense of self. When people don’t meet their demands, they manipulate or bully them to regain control.
What is a 'trauma bond' and how does a narcissist use it?
-A trauma bond occurs when a victim becomes emotionally dependent on their abuser. Narcissists may create or strengthen this bond to keep the victim feeling trapped and unable to assert autonomy.
How do narcissists apologize when caught?
-A narcissist’s apology may be insincere and focused on the consequences they face, rather than the harm they've caused. They may include excuses or shift the blame to external factors.
What are some tactics narcissists use when they've been exposed?
-Narcissists might engage in behaviors like projecting blame onto the victim, spreading false accusations, gaslighting, or even contacting the victim's social circle to manipulate perceptions.
How do narcissists manipulate after losing control over someone?
-They may try to evoke pity or sympathy by playing the victim, blaming others, or using emotional manipulation to regain influence. In some cases, they turn to vindictive actions to 'punish' the person.
What is the significance of 'false accusations' in a narcissist's behavior?
-False accusations are used by narcissists to twist the truth, manipulate perceptions, and make the victim question their own reality. It’s a form of gaslighting designed to protect the narcissist's image.
Why do narcissists often struggle with admitting mistakes?
-Narcissists have a poor sense of self and little insight into their own behavior. Admitting mistakes would undermine their fragile ego, so they prefer to shift blame or deny wrongdoing.
What is the role of a narcissist’s social circle in their manipulation?
-Narcissists may enlist others, sometimes called 'flying monkeys,' to gather information or reinforce their narrative. This helps them control how others perceive both themselves and their victim.
Outlines
🤔 Understanding Narcissistic Reactions When Exposed
The speaker, Darren Magee, introduces the topic based on questions about how narcissists react when their tactics fail or when they are exposed. Narcissistic traits, including entitlement, manipulation, and lack of empathy, are outlined as pervasive behaviors. When a narcissist loses control, they often respond negatively. Magee emphasizes that narcissists rely on admiration and validation from others and will resort to coercion, shame, or guilt when they don't receive it voluntarily. He also cautions that this video is not a substitute for professional mental health advice.
😔 Narcissists Apologize, But for Selfish Reasons
One of the common reactions of narcissists when they lose control is offering an apology. However, Magee explains that their apologies are often self-serving. They may be sorry not for their actions, but for the consequences they face, such as being exposed or abandoned. Their apologies often come with excuses or justifications, and while they may sound sincere, they are generally short-lived. Magee encourages viewers to reflect on past experiences with the narcissist to recognize whether true change followed any previous apologies.
😠 Narcissists Deny and Accuse When Caught
When confronted with their behavior, narcissists rarely admit the truth. Instead, they engage in tactics like false accusations, twisting words, and deliberate misinterpretations. Magee highlights the danger of gaslighting, where victims may start doubting themselves, especially if the narcissist is skilled at appearing humble or contrite. This manipulative behavior is often honed over long-term relationships.
😕 Narcissists Infiltrate Victims' Social Circles
After a breakup or loss of control, narcissists may start contacting the victim's friends, family, or colleagues, often under the guise of concern. They may also become involved in the victim's social activities or groups. This behavior serves multiple purposes: gaining information, intimidating the victim, and controlling how others perceive both the narcissist and the victim. Narcissists often seek to turn others into 'flying monkeys'—people who act on their behalf.
💔 Narcissists Project Guilt and Shame onto Victims
Narcissists often project their own guilt and shame onto their victims, manipulating them into feeling responsible for the narcissist's bad behavior. This can lead to the victim apologizing for things they didn't do. Magee explains that narcissists are skilled at emotional manipulation, persistently pleading or even getting angry until the victim feels guilty for not tolerating the narcissist's mistreatment.
😡 Narcissists Can Be Vindictive and Nasty
When a narcissist feels exposed or rejected, they can become vindictive. Magee explains that narcissists, feeling entitled, may seek to 'teach their victims a lesson' through damaging property, spreading rumors, withholding support, or other vindictive actions. They will go to great lengths to regain a sense of power and control over their victim.
🌀 Narcissists May Try to Create Trauma Bonds
Magee discusses how narcissists try to maintain or strengthen trauma bonds with their victims, especially when they can no longer exert control. Trauma bonds are created through cycles of abuse and dependency. The victim may feel financially, emotionally, or physically dependent on the narcissist, making it difficult to leave the toxic relationship. Narcissists will use every means at their disposal to maintain this connection and prevent the victim from asserting independence.
💬 Inviting Further Discussion on Narcissistic Behaviors
Magee closes the video by inviting viewers to share their thoughts in the comments and engage in discussions about narcissistic behaviors. He reiterates that there are more aspects of narcissistic behavior that were not covered in the video, and he encourages ongoing conversation. He also thanks the audience for watching and suggests subscribing to the channel for future videos.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Narcissism
💡Control
💡Apology
💡Manipulation
💡Gaslighting
💡Projection
💡Vindictiveness
💡Trauma Bond
💡Flying Monkeys
💡False Accusations
Highlights
Narcissists can apologize, but it's often for the consequences they face rather than the pain they caused.
Narcissists manipulate others to gain attention and validation if it's not given voluntarily.
When narcissists lose control, they might attempt to apologize or reason, but their sincerity is questionable.
Narcissists rarely admit the truth, instead using false accusations and deliberate misinterpretations.
They may use 'flying monkeys'—people from the victim's social circle—to gather information or continue manipulation.
Narcissists project their guilt and shame onto their victims, often making the victim feel responsible.
They may emotionally manipulate victims into feeling sympathy and pity, often using persistent tactics.
Narcissists can become nasty and vindictive when they feel exposed, often spreading rumors or withholding resources.
Some narcissists may escalate to violence or property damage when they lose control.
They often try to create or strengthen trauma bonds to keep the victim dependent or unable to leave.
Narcissists can exploit friendships, family, or group affiliations to maintain influence and appear decent to others.
When a narcissist feels out of control, they might use passive-aggressive tactics like pretending concern for the victim.
Many narcissists have poor self-awareness, so they avoid confronting their own mistakes or toxic behaviors.
After a breakup, narcissists often contact the victim’s social circle to manipulate how others see the situation.
Narcissism is destructive by nature, often destroying relationships from within, and then attempting external damage.
Transcripts
Hello I m Darren Magee and today s topic comes from many different questions in
and around the same subject. What are the common reactions,
what are the common behaviours of a narcissistic person whenever their tactics no longer work?
Whenever you're on to them, whenever they've been exposed. One way or another,
what happens when a narcissistic person feels they no longer have the control over someone that
they once had. So if you like this video, if you find it interesting or helpful, please consider
subscribing to my channel. But just as a reminder, this video is not a substitute for support from a
mental health professional nor is it a tool to be used to diagnose someone. So first of
all narcissism can be characterised by a sense of entitlement, there s being self absorbed,
being disagreeable and either being highly sensitive or highly resistant to criticism. They,
they can be exploitative, manipulative, and they lack of empathy. And yes, let's be honest, we can
all be a little bit like that from time to time. But with narcissism, with pathological narcissism,
what we see is these behaviours are consistent, they are persistent, they are pervasive. They are
constant. So what happens when someone is onto them, someone figures them out
is a reasonable question to ask, given that they can be quite vindictive. Sometimes we ve no idea
how they might react. But if you have been in a relationship with someone who's narcissistic now,
when I was a partnership of friendship, or perhaps you were raised in a narcissistic family, you have
a fair idea they are not going to react well once they feel they can no longer control you.
So to understand that remember that narcissistic people tend to value themselves based on how
others admire them and pander to them. They have a very poor sense of self and very poor
insight. They need attention and validation and if others will not give it to them voluntarily,
or to sometimes the unreasonable standards that they demand, they will manipulate, coerce, bully,
guilt trip and shame in order to get it. They live in an internal world full of envy and shame,
and the strange thing is they tend to act in very shameful ways in order to escape that
feeling of shame. And those behaviours, things like devaluing, rejecting, punishing, cheating,
scorning, and so on, these are often the very things that drive people away. So some of the
common ways in which they behave whenever they do lose control over someone is first of all,
believe it or not, they might actually apologise. They might actually say they're sorry. And the
thing is, they probably are, but not necessarily sorry for the things they ve done or for the pain
they caused. More often than not, they are sorry for the consequences that they know face. They are
sorry that they're being abandoned. They are sorry that others can now see them as they really are.
Or there may be an apology, but it comes with some kind of excuse, such as, It's not me it's
my anxiety. I can't help it it's my illness. It's not my fault it's my addiction Or there may be a
caveat of some kind like, I am sorry, but after all you did say something ten years ago that I
found quite offensive . So even if you do get an apology, and even if it does sound very sincere,
they tend to last but a moment, a minute, a day, a week even. They generally go back to doing the
same things again. The very highly skilled ones just find a different way of doing the same thing.
Or it might not necessarily be an apology it might sound like they're trying to reason with you. So
imagine someone's going Grey Rock, they re just giving one word answers, or maybe someone's just
gone no contact or not responding. They may get a text or an email and it usually go along the
lines of, I've no idea what I've done to hurt you but I'll always love you . Following that,
you'll get a lot of word salad, and within that word salad there will be a veiled threat which
could be summed up as, And I'm going to let other people know what you're like. By the way,
I'll always love you . But if you do get a message like that, or if you do get an apology, you know,
pleading, tears, maybe you're considering giving them another chance, well, I'm not going to talk
you out of it, but what I will ask you to think about is to draw on your experience.
How many apologies were there in the past? Now, there might not have been that many,
but how many were there? And following the apology the bad behaviour changed?
If it didn't change, why do you think it will this time? Second common behaviour
is if a narcissist gets caught out they re generally never going to admit the truth.
Now if you think about it, if they don't admit their own errors, misjudgments,
mistakes, their limits, even to themselves, they're certainly not going to admit their
toxic behaviour to you or to anyone else. Instead there's normally a lot of false accusations. Twist
things you've said or done. Claim that you did or said things you never did or said.
Deliberately, and the keyword being deliberately, misinterpret you and your intentions. Some are
very good at this, and if you have been in a long term relationship with someone like this,
they have had a long time to fine tune their manipulation and their gaslighting tactics.
You might even find yourself doubting yourself. Especially if it seems like others are believing
them. Covert narcissists are particularly good at being very passive aggressive while acting humbly
and contrite. Thirdly, following a breakup, now if they hadn't isolated you from your friends
from your family, from your colleagues, then maybe they're going to start contacting them and
it ll usually be something along the lines of, I'm really concerned about them. I'm really concerned
about this person. Haven't heard from him in a long time. I'm worried about them , Or if you were
part of a club or a group or whatever, they may suddenly find that they have an interest in it.
They'll start turning up, showing up. They'll start getting involved in that sport or that
group or whatever it is and start mixing with your friends there. They may even contact your friends,
your family, invite them over to their place or go and visit them. Show that they re really decent
people that are not like how you may have been painting them to be. And this serves quite a few
purposes. It's to turn their victims social circle into their flying monkeys, their agents. To snoop,
to stalk for them, to feed them information. It's also a way of intimidating the victim.
Letting the victim, though they're not quite safe yet, they are still there. It also serves
to try and control how other people see them, as well as how other people are seeing the victim.
By its nature narcissism is very destructive, it tends to destroy things from the inside,
and when it can no longer do that, it tries to destroy it from the outside. Number four, they
will project onto their victims. They generally try to emotionally manipulate their victims into
taking responsibility for their actions, for their bad behaviour. Following a breakup of some kind,
now whether again, whether that's a friendship or a romantic relationship or whatever,
all that pain, guilt and shame is now being dumped onto the victims and they will do
whatever they have to do to try and manipulate the victims emotional side so that they will feel
pity and sympathy for them. My goodness, can they be persistent. They keep on an on pleading,
crying, begging, being, being angry until the victim apologises for how they feel at how they
were treated, even apologise for not being able to put up with the crap that they had to go through.
The expression I often use is they wet the bed and blamed the blanket . Common behaviour number five,
they are nasty and they are vindictive. How dare you see through them. How dare you no
longer want to put up with their nonsense. Don't forget, narcissistic people feel very entitled,
which usually means their victim deserves it and they can become consumed. Some can become violent
or may damage property. They may spread vicious rumours. They may deliberately withhold support,
resources, information. Anything at all that they believe will allow them to re-establish some sense
of power and control over their victims. One way or another, it's, it's almost like they think they
have to teach their victims a lesson. And lastly number six, if they know they can't trick,
manipulate or threaten anymore, they'll try to create a trauma bond. Now this can look like a
pattern of toxic behaviour that is, first of all, it's normal for the narcissists,
but for the victim, it becomes normalised. And it could look like maybe the victim believes
that they are depend in some high on that narcissistic person who is abusing them. Maybe
they are financially dependent. Maybe they have kids together, there has to be a level of contact.
Perhaps that person can't leave because their abuser is dependent on them. Perhaps there is an
illness or physical condition. If the bond wasn't there before, that trauma born wasn't there before
they may try to create one. If it was there, they'll try to strengthen it somehow,
use everything within their means to make it really difficult for the victim to assert any
kind of autonomy, or to leave. So they are just a few of the common characteristics and the common
behaviours of narcissistic people whenever they feel they are losing control over someone. Now
as always, there's a lot more I haven't added. If you want to add that, by all means please
feel free to use the comment box below, there are some interesting conversations starting
around these videos. Now if you like this video, if you find it interesting or helpful,
please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time, thanks for watching.
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