How being the "quiet kid" completely f*cked up my teenage years...
Summary
TLDRThe speaker recounts their journey from an extroverted child to an anxious teenager, detailing the bullying and social isolation that led to their anxiety. They share their struggles with a classmate named Tyler, the impact of their mother's intervention, and their feelings of powerlessness. The script explores their anxiety's escalation through school years, the coping mechanisms they developed, such as using face paint to hide blushing, and the influence of social media on their mental health. The narrative concludes with the speaker's ongoing battle with anxiety, their self-reflection, and the realization that their need for attention fuels their anxiety.
Takeaways
- 😔 The narrator was an extroverted child who became anxious and introverted after being manipulated and bullied by a classmate named Tyler.
- 👦 The turning point was when Tyler got angry at the narrator for involving their mother, leading to a change in their relationship dynamics.
- 🏕️ At a camp, the narrator experienced severe anxiety and homesickness, especially upon encountering Tyler again.
- 😳 The narrator's anxiety was exacerbated by a fear of blushing, which led to social withdrawal and avoidance behaviors.
- 🏫 High school experiences, including a failed speech, further increased the narrator's anxiety and sense of being judged by peers.
- 💻 The narrator found solace in creating a YouTube channel, where subscriber growth provided a sense of validation and belonging.
- 🎥 The growth of the narrator's online presence on TikTok brought additional pressure to maintain a perfect image, intensifying anxiety.
- 🧍♂️ The narrator experimented with adopting a 'Sigma male' persona for attention, which backfired and increased feelings of isolation.
- 🌳 Spending time in nature and self-reflection helped the narrator understand the root causes of their anxiety and begin the process of healing.
- 📈 The realization that seeking attention and validation was a driving factor behind the anxiety led to a more authentic approach to self-improvement.
- 💪 Despite ongoing struggles, the narrator acknowledges improvement in managing anxiety through self-acceptance and challenging negative thoughts.
Q & A
How did the narrator describe their personality at the age of 8?
-The narrator described themselves as an average 8-year-old, with no anxiety, extremely extroverted, and talkative.
Who is Tyler in the story?
-Tyler is a kid of the same age as the narrator who was considered one of the 'bad kids' at school. He manipulated the narrator into hanging out with him during lunchtime.
What incident caused the narrator to feel like a victim at school?
-The narrator felt like a victim when a grade six student accidentally hit their face while high-fiving Tyler, causing the narrator to cry and be called names by Tyler.
How did the narrator's mother address the situation with Tyler?
-The narrator's mother went to the school and had a private conversation with Tyler before classes started, which resulted in Tyler being extremely angry with the narrator.
What was the narrator's experience at the camp like?
-The narrator's experience at the camp was very negative. They felt extremely anxious, introverted, and tried to avoid Tyler at all costs.
Why did the narrator start to feel anxious and develop a red face issue?
-The narrator's anxiety and red face issue started due to the bullying and manipulation by Tyler, and it was exacerbated by the narrator's desire for attention and fear of embarrassment.
What was the significance of the 'footy day' in the narrator's life?
-On 'footy day', the narrator was able to wear face paint which allowed them to hide their red face and be themselves without fear of embarrassment, making it one of the most enjoyable days of their life.
How did the movie 'Wonder' relate to the narrator's experience?
-The narrator related to the main character of 'Wonder' because both had to deal with social anxiety and the desire to hide their faces, especially when they turned red.
What was the turning point for the narrator in terms of dealing with anxiety?
-The turning point was when the narrator started to understand the root cause of their anxiety, which was the desire for attention and love, and began to challenge their anxious thoughts.
How has the narrator's YouTube channel helped them cope with anxiety?
-The narrator found comfort in the growth of their YouTube channel as it made them feel valued by others, and it became a platform for them to express themselves and connect with people who could relate to their experiences.
What advice does the narrator give to others who might be experiencing similar anxiety?
-The narrator advises others to challenge their anxious thoughts daily, to understand that their actions should reflect the character they wish to have, and to remember that anxiety does get better over time.
Outlines
👦 Childhood Anxiety and Bullying
The narrator recounts his childhood as an average, extroverted 8-year-old who was manipulated by a classmate named Tyler. Despite attempts to avoid Tyler, he was often forced to interact with him during lunch breaks under threats of violence or social exclusion. An incident with a high-five gone wrong led to the narrator feeling victimized and anxious. His mother intervened by speaking to Tyler, which resulted in Tyler's anger and eventual distancing. The narrator's anxiety persisted through various experiences, including a camp where he felt homesick and anxious, and a school incident where his face turning red due to anxiety led to ridicule.
🏈 Football Day and the Impact of 'Wonder'
The narrator describes how his anxiety was particularly pronounced during his school years, but he found solace on football day when he could wear face paint to hide his red face. This allowed him to be himself and enjoy one of the most freeing days of his life. He also watched the movie 'Wonder' on the last day of primary school, which resonated with him due to the main character's similar experiences with social anxiety and the desire to hide one's face. The movie had a profound impact on him, and he found himself relating deeply to the character's struggles.
📈 The Struggle with Anxiety and Seeking Validation
The narrator discusses his ongoing battle with anxiety, particularly his shyness and introversion, which were exacerbated by family conflicts. He found some comfort in basketball and starting a YouTube channel, where subscriber growth gave him a sense of validation and worth. However, this also led to an obsession with appearing perfect and adopting an overly masculine 'Sigma' persona for attention, which ultimately made his anxiety worse. He realized that trying to be someone he's not was not helpful and started to embrace being more genuine.
🌳 Overcoming Anxiety Through Self-Reflection
The narrator shares his journey of understanding and overcoming anxiety. He spent time in nature and self-reflection to identify the root causes of his anxiety, which he realized was a desire for attention and love. He acknowledges that while he has made progress and learned to manage his anxiety better, it still exists. He emphasizes the importance of challenging anxious thoughts and notes that his anxiety has taught him valuable life lessons. The narrator concludes by encouraging others to challenge their thoughts and assuring them that things do get better over time.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Anxiety
💡Extroverted
💡Manipulation
💡Isolation
💡Homesickness
💡Insecurity
💡Perfectionism
💡Sigma Male
💡Attention
💡Self-Acceptance
💡Nature
Highlights
The narrator was an average, extroverted 8-year-old until meeting a kid named Tyler.
Tyler manipulated the narrator into spending time with him, causing anxiety.
An incident with a high-five gone wrong led to increased feelings of victimization.
The narrator's mother intervened by talking to Tyler, resulting in Tyler's anger.
The narrator's anxiety escalated to the point of considering medication.
A camping trip brought back memories of Tyler, increasing anxiety.
The narrator felt a sense of freedom and joy on a football day where he wore face paint.
Watching the movie 'Wonder' resonated with the narrator's own experiences.
The narrator's anxiety was amplified by his parents' arguments.
Basketball became a solace and a place where the narrator felt comfortable.
Starting a YouTube channel provided a sense of validation and comfort.
The narrator felt pressure to be perfect due to his online presence.
The pursuit of a 'sigma male' persona was a misguided attempt to gain attention.
The narrator realized that trying to be someone else only exacerbated his anxiety.
Nature and self-reflection helped the narrator understand the root of his anxiety.
The narrator learned that most of his worries were unfounded.
Despite progress, the narrator acknowledges that anxiety still lingers.
The narrator encourages challenging anxious thoughts and working on self-improvement.
The video concludes with the narrator sharing his ongoing journey with anxiety.
Transcripts
10 years ago I was what you'd call an
average 8-year-old no anxiety extremely
extroverted I wouldn't shut up until I
met this one kid he was my age his name
was Tyler and I got forced to sit next
to Tyler one day in school I was one of
the good kids and he was one of the bad
kids so I had to kind of you influence
his behavior in a positive way then I
started hanging out with Tyler at
lunchtime not because I wanted to but
because he manipulated me
into doing so I tried to run away so
many times and play with my friends who
were playing Tiggy or basketball or
footy whatever it was but he wouldn't
let me he'd either grab me and pull me
back or he'd say something like I don't
know I'm going to bash you or I'm going
to tell your friends that you're
something or whatever so I was forced to
play with him every single lunchtime and
it got to a point where I was running
behind him one day and a grade sixer
came past us and he gave us a high five
but the Great Sixers somehow ended up
hitting my face I don't really know how
it happened and I started crying because
of that not because of it it hurt me it
just felt like I couldn't go anywhere I
was just a [ __ ] victim to everyone at
school I go I cry to the teacher Tyler
called me a [ __ ] the year Sixers I
don't really think they like me anymore
because they probably thought I was a
[ __ ] and it got that bad that I went
home that day talked to my mom about
what had happened she knew that you know
I wasn't really hanging out out with my
friends but I told her it got really bad
so the day maybe after that or a couple
of days after that she came into school
to actually talk to Tyler before school
started so my mom and this Tyler kid
walk into a room which is next to our
classroom they're in there for maybe 5
minutes my mom doesn't really say
anything bad because I'm at the door
listening making sure they don't see me
she doesn't say anything bad but the
Tyler kid walks out of the room
extremely pissed off at me like really
really really
angry and I don't think we talk again
unless we have to he plays alone at
lunch I think he brings another person
along with him and then I go back to
playing with my real
friends he left around a year later
after this I don't think he left because
of me and 2 years or 3 years later I
went on a camp around 3 hours away from
home it was the first Camp I'd ever been
on I was extremely homesick I I hated it
the first day I got there it was in the
woods PE two or three people from my
school I didn't know
anybody and guess who was there
t [ __ ] I walk into to our to our dorm
and I see him in the hallway put my head
down straight away walk into my room and
I just try to avoid him at all costs I
think I avoid him for the first day cuz
there's like hundreds of kids there this
is like the first time I've ever felt
extremely anxious really introverted and
I'll explain how this impacted me
throughout the video second day he sees
me doesn't say a word to me he just
looks at me to his friends who you can
kind of tell like the bad boys right and
they just start
laughing don't know I don't really know
what it was my head was kind of round in
year six that might have been that but I
think it was because of what Tyler had
said to his friends about me properly he
hung around three people at that camp
and one of the friends was it like the
Troublemaker of the camp no one wanted
to [ __ ] with this dude right and I'm
actually pretty good friends with him
now I'm not like good friends with him
but he goes to my school and he
definitely remembers me so that's pretty
funny how um how it all comes around the
camp lasted for 5 days if you go back to
year six and I hated it one of the one
of the worst experiences of my life
because I was in this constant fear of
anxiety wondering what this Tyler kid
would do to me cuz I was so bound to him
doing something to me bro cuz I felt a
lot of regret telling my mom and getting
him really angry because of that after
the camp I feel powerless just [ __ ] like
a nobody and because of this sense of
powerlessness if that's even a word
coupled with a few other events in my
life um which some of you will know of
I'm not going to go into the my face
starts to turn really red because I'm a
really anxious person now everything the
smallest thing makes my face turn
extremely red the Teacher Calls on me in
class Jack she says my name my face
blows like red for no reason right I put
my hand up to to answer a question I'm
really confident in even though I'm
extremely confident in um answering the
question I still go red and people still
laugh at me like what do I do so what do
you do you resort to not
talking that's what you do and when you
develop something like this when you're
12 13 years old it [ __ ] with your whole
life you don't speak you don't learn how
to communicate You're So Below everyone
else everyone else gets ahead of you you
it was the second last day of your six
my face red problem was very very
prevalent but it was footy day this day
so we got to wear face paint so you know
of course I took up the opportunity I
wore face paint so my face wouldn't go
red and it was the only day in probably
around 6 months where I could genuinely
be myself so I was myself for that day
it was one of the most freeing days of
my life one of the most enjoyable days
of my life I won the 500 km trophy which
I'll put up on the screen right now the
day after that it was the last day of
primary school we watched a movie called
Wonder I think it's called Wonder I'm
pretty sure about some kid with a helmet
and his face isn't like a normal face
probably the best way I can put it and I
could relate a lot to this guy his
favorite day of the year was Halloween
because he got to put a mask on his face
that's the same with me my favorite day
of the year was footy day cuz I got to
cover up my face not because it was you
know nothing different but because I
went extremely red I wasn't embarrassed
of being anxious I wasn't embarrassed of
doing something embarrassing I was
embarrassed of doing something
embarrassing and my face going R because
of it hold on I need to take a pier real
quick I'll be
back all right I'm back so the last day
primary school we watch Wonder and all I
did when I got home was kind of you know
be kind of nostalgic but all the
memories I've made at primary school but
I think I watched the Wonder movie again
because I can relate so much to the main
character of it I think I watched a
couple more times in the weekend he was
the only person I could actually relate
to this kid right and I wasn't even you
know I was so blessed to be in the
position I was compared to this guy in
the movie but I just felt so much like
him because all it was was because of my
red face that was it I used to blow up
like a tomato bro and every times
someone would notice at least one person
would notice and they'd say something
about it I watched it again and again
and again over the holidays I don't
really know why I did and I went into
high school now I've mentioned these
stories multiple times in videos you
guys probably know what turned me into
an even more anxious person throughout
high school and especially like the
first week I'm not going to mention them
one thing I will mention that really
kickstarted a lot of things was one day
it was maybe like a couple of weeks I
can't really remember a couple of weeks
3 weeks maybe a month into year seven my
first year of high school I was in
Indonesian class and we had to give a
speech that we'd known so far of the
words we learned like a couple of
sentences maybe in
Indonesia and somehow everybody else
before me did a really good job but I
couldn't remember [ __ ] all I could
remember was Tera mccy which was thank
you and that was the end line
I had to make it there before I even
said
it so I went up there trying to read off
a script and it just sounded so
[ __ ] everyone started laughing you can
tell my face would have blown up red
because the teachers down there the kids
are down
there and now everyone in my high school
knows I go extremely red [ __ ] so this
continues I get laughed at because of it
people stare at me sometimes I put my
head down a lot because I don't want
people to see me right my face goes
extremely r i put my head down everyone
knows I'm hiding it so it gets to a
point where I ask my mom for medication
but my anxiety my
introvertism my shyness is so bad I
thought it was a stupid decision of her
to say no but I'm actually grateful she
didn't because I'll get to it in a
minute but it put me through so much
like
pain in school and I learned so much
from her I even went as far I didn't
actually do it do do this but it was
definitely a thought when my mom said no
about medication and that was putting
makeup on my face just so the makeup
could cover up my cheeks that would go
extremely red and I could finally act
confident that's it that's all I wanted
to be I I didn't care about getting
embarrassed I just cared about looking
embarrassed I see these kids in my
school they're doing the most funky ass
[ __ ] ever and they don't care the G up
in class they give a speech They Don't
Really Care it's a bad speech but they
don't care they act confident I just
wanted that but I couldn't do that while
being embarrassed having my face blow up
and still act like I'm confident it just
wouldn't work it look so weird and to
make matters
worse around the end of year s this was
it kind of happened quite a bit though
my parents started fighting not like
physical stuff but just you know just
just vocal and it really got to me
because my parents were the only people
I could kind of like you know relate to
not really relate to I couldn't really
relate to them but I could feel
comfortable being myself with and now I
was scared to even go out sometimes not
all the time just sometimes um as most
families do I guess they argue sometimes
I just didn't want to leave my
room and this is something I haven't
told in videos before but I think I'm
ready to say it um you know this affect
this affected me quite a bit this
affected me a lot bro more than I've
ever said cuz I've always been scared of
saying it but I'm older now so I can say
it nothing bad but it just Amplified my
anxiety a lot I I was an extreme
introvert now extremely shy around
people so year eight started and all I
have is myself and basketball that's it
it's all I have that's that's and maybe
you know sometimes I feel myself around
my friends sometimes I do sometimes I
feel okay at school right cuz maybe
we're playing Sport and my face is
already red from running around so who
cares if it goes red that's the only
time I felt comfortable went through
year eight and I started my YouTube
channel at the start of 2021 as most of
you know I'm not going to repeat the
same stories I've told multiple times
but I kind of have to say this for the
point of the video I was averaging about
a subscriber a day and that subscriber
would
make one was one of the only things that
made me feel comfortable in the last
like 2 years except seeing progress in
basketball and ping beating people in
basketball the only comfort I really saw
was actually seeing the subscribers I
know it's bad you shouldn't you know
look at the metric and the comments and
the likes on when you go on a YouTube
channel but it was the only thing that
actually put a smile on my
face because I actually feel like people
valued me I this sounds like I'm being a
massive victim trust me I'm not
preaching this mindset I'm just simply
portraying or speaking from the
perspective of my 15-year-old self
that's all I'm doing this is what
motivated me honestly seeing those
comments right seeing those likes it's
that one like I got a dislike one time
and it really hurt me despite the follow
count I still cared a lot about what
people think I think I got to around
100K on Tik Tok and I thought that would
have solved all my problems I'm I'm kind
of Tik Tok famous now nothing can affect
me but really only made it worse because
I put an element of perfection on myself
now I had to be perfect because I had
followers I had to be better than other
people right so I only put more anxiety
on me so as you can kind of Imagine
because of this you know Perfection that
I have to live up to or I believe I have
to live up to I grew really attached to
these like Sigma
edits like you know the Patrick bitman
edits the Andrew Tate edits you know the
sigma type of stuff the real masculine
or you know I'm not going call it toxic
masculinity but masculinity that goes a
bit too far I'll just call it that I
started putting my hands like this in
class I started being really you know my
posture was perfect which I guess is a
good thing but it was just over
analytical I wouldn't smile anymore cuz
I was that you know tough dude it was a
completely different me I didn't get
attention for that if anything I just
got looked down upon even more and I
only acted like this Sigma male for
attention cuz of my deepest insecurities
I lacked attention when I was younger so
I wanted more of it I needed to be this
Sigma male it only made everything worse
because at least I could kind of relate
to people when I was trying to be myself
I was smiling cuz I've always been a big
Smiler in my life so over time I started
to realize that that's not the way to do
things it's not really going to help
help anything you might as well just try
your best to be a little bit yourself
start smiling more bro start with this
[ __ ] grind set [ __ ] you're sitting
there in
class like try not to smile try not to
laugh like what the [ __ ] is that you
know I was I was a bit of a dumbass and
this time last year I shared a video
about my anxiety actually it was another
video on anxiety I I didn't go as deep
as this video but I shared some of my
you know past experiences on it and a
lot of people actually related to me it
was like the one of the First videos
I've actually made where I've shared my
story about my anxiety growing up it was
maybe a quarter of this video this video
is going to be a lot
longer and I could actually relate to
people cuz I thought I was the only one
no one at my school my school isn't very
big like at the time there was maybe 120
kids in my year level now cuz I'm in
year 12 is maybe like 70 or 60 lot less
now but there was a lot more back then
maybe one other
person or looked like they experienced
the same level of anxiety as me but I
always thought I had it worse and seeing
these comments you know I'll read the
comments on this video as well on that
video it was 11 months ago I think at
this point yeah I felt not alone anymore
[ __ ] other people actually experience
this other people's faces go red other
people feel anxious at school holy [ __ ]
of course they do you know it's it's
common sense when you think about it but
I at the time thought I was the only one
so after hearing these comments and the
stories of people who have escaped this
anxiety it's gotten a whole lot better
oh cuz I was better at this time I was
better but I was it was still affecting
me the anxiety was still getting to me
and it still is I'll get to that in a
minute I went out in nature for like 3
hours per day on the school holidays you
know last this time last year and I kind
of just studied what the hell was wrong
with me why the hell was I so anxious
like got the root cause of it I always
wanted attention I just wanted to be I
just wanted to feel loved I I wanted to
have high status that's it yeah it's
tough to admit it is and it took a while
for me to admit that to myself I just
want attention cuz it just feels like
you're
weak but you you'd rather tell yourself
that hard truth or that harsh truth than
Let It Go and lie to yourself the rest
of your entire life yeah that definitely
helps me and I go through this year of
what it's been so far and I'm pretty
good
I as I've say in multiple videos I can't
really relate to a lot of people at my
school just because I don't really do
the things they do you know I'm just
making content replying to comments
reading books studying school that's
really it's all really all I'm doing and
recording videos so I can't really
relate to a lot of people my age which
yeah affects the anxiety a lot more but
I'm definitely better I definitely
realized that the mind isn't as smart as
you think it is it's a very dumb your
anxiety 90% of what you worry about will
never happen and that's just a fact the
mind is very dumb people aren't thinking
about you as much as you think they are
you know just just the basic things you
know everyone has this same mindset as
you it might not be Amplified as much as
you this is this these are the things
I've realized over the years and I'm
telling to
myself but everybody thinks about
themself more than they think about you
and it's something that I can tell
myself all the
time but the the anxiety is still there
bro you know the anxiety is still there
I can tell myself these quotes it's
never going to happen people aren't
thinking about
you people's other people's opinions
don't matter I can say this to myself
all I want but the anxiety will still be
there because I always I have always
wanted
attention I
have it's definitely gotten better I've
learned to give myself more
attention and I'd say 90 90% of the time
I'm fine without a lot of attention from
other people
right but sometimes it sneaks
in sometimes it does sometimes I feel
[ __ ] sometimes I start comparing myself
to people and sometimes when I'm around
a group of people who I don't relate to
I get very very anxious cuz I want their
attention I've not mastered myself I'm
not perfect bro I'm not so you're
probably expecting some amazing ending
some trick or tip I gave myself that
rided my
anxiety it's got definitely gotten
better by working on myself you know
putting time to my craft making videos
like these improving my communication
skills but bro it's still there and
please don't take this video like I'm a
victim I'm simply sharing my own
experience I'm extremely blessed I'm
extremely blessed with this anxiety it's
t it's taught me so much trust me if
you're in my position it gets [ __ ]
better it does gets better trust me
always does it's getting better by the
day for me all right you just got to
challenge those thoughts man challenge
those thought if you're a girl watching
this video just challenge those thoughts
every single day I took some notes to
this video just some so I didn't go off
track um and the other thing I said was
as long as your actions reflect the
character you wish to have there's no
reason why everything won't work out
that's it hope this helped I don't know
it probably didn't I probably just
yapped I don't even know if I'll upload
this the [ __ ] who cares I'll catch you
in the next one peace
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