EP18. Best of Dating & Relationships Part 2
Summary
TLDRThe transcript explores the impact of self-identity and self-management on personal growth and relationships. It emphasizes that our value is not in what we do but who we are and our inherent desires. The speaker discusses how unmet needs can lead to seeking affirmation from others and the importance of recognizing and managing these needs. They also touch on the concept of negotiated agreements in relationships and the power dynamics that can result from them. The conversation highlights the importance of self-management and not relying on others to fulfill our needs, using personal anecdotes and experiences to illustrate the points.
Takeaways
- 🧠 **Self-Recognition**: Understanding that it's not about what you do, but who you are and the appetite you have for personal growth and fulfillment.
- 🔄 **Turnaround Insight**: Recognizing that personal affirmation comes from within, not from external validation or the need for others to affirm your abilities.
- 📈 **Opportunity for Growth**: Acknowledging that knowing better provides the chance to do better, even if it doesn't always lead to immediate action.
- 🤝 **Relationship Dynamics**: Realizing that relationships, whether familial, friendly, or romantic, are built on unspoken agreements and expectations.
- 👥 **Community Impact**: Noting that the need for affirmation and recognition is not limited to romantic relationships but extends to all types of social connections.
- 🆘 **Caregiver's Dilemma**: Identifying the issue where those who are always helping or fixing things for others may inadvertently create a community that relies on them excessively.
- 💡 **Self-Management**: Emphasizing the importance of managing oneself effectively as a key to successful relationships and personal well-being.
- 🎶 **Artistic Insight**: Sharing a personal anecdote about a conversation with rapper Nas, highlighting the universal understanding of self-management's role in relationship success.
- 🌐 **Societal Expectations**: Discussing how societal norms and expectations can influence personal behavior and the desire to conform or resist those pressures.
- 🏡 **Family and Respect**: Reflecting on the impact of family upbringing and respect for elders on personal choices, particularly in matters of relationships and lifestyle.
Q & A
What is the primary focus of personal growth according to the transcript?
-The primary focus of personal growth is understanding that it's not about the actions one takes but rather who one is and the appetite one has, and how one meets the need of that appetite.
What is the 'good news' mentioned in the transcript?
-The 'good news' is that once you know better, you have the opportunity to do better, even though it's not always guaranteed that one will act on that knowledge.
How does the concept of 'negotiated agreements' relate to personal relationships?
-In personal relationships, there are often unspoken agreements about how each party should behave and contribute, which can lead to expectations and potential disappointments if those agreements are not met.
Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of self-management in relationships?
-Self-management is crucial because it allows individuals to manage their own behaviors and actions, which can prevent blaming others for relationship issues and promote personal responsibility.
What does the speaker mean by 'manage your damn self'?
-The phrase 'manage your damn self' is a call to personal responsibility and self-control, urging individuals to take charge of their own actions and behaviors instead of relying on or blaming others.
Why does the speaker say that many people feel unseen or unsupported despite appearing successful?
-The speaker suggests that many people feel unseen because they have negotiated agreements with others that they don't need help, leading to a facade of independence that masks their actual need for support.
What role does self-management play in the success of relationships according to the transcript?
-Self-management plays a critical role in relationship success because it allows individuals to address their own needs and behaviors, reducing the burden on the relationship and fostering mutual respect and understanding.
What does the speaker mean by 'the power of the Human Condition'?
-The 'power of the Human Condition' refers to the ability to have control over one's own behaviors and actions, which can lead to a sense of freedom and autonomy in one's life.
Why does the speaker say that some people are hesitant to bring partners home to meet their family?
-Some people are hesitant to bring partners home due to a desire to protect their personal relationships and maintain a certain image or lifestyle, as well as a respect for family values and boundaries.
What is the significance of the Nas concert story in the transcript?
-The Nas concert story illustrates the idea that self-management is a universally understood concept, even among those who are not typically associated with relationship advice, and it highlights the importance of personal accountability.
How does the speaker view the role of societal expectations in personal relationships?
-The speaker views societal expectations as influential in shaping personal relationships, suggesting that individuals often feel pressure to conform to certain behaviors or lifestyles, which can impact their relationships and sense of self.
Outlines
🌟 Self-Affirmation and Relationships
The speaker discusses the importance of self-affirmation and how it affects various aspects of life, including work, business, and romantic relationships. They emphasize that our actions and decisions are often driven by the need for affirmation from others. The speaker highlights that recognizing this need is crucial for personal growth. They also mention that when we understand our true needs, we can change our behavior and expectations from others. The conversation touches on how we often create relationships where we are the ones always helping or fixing things for others, which may stem from a need for affirmation. The speaker encourages recognizing and changing these patterns to foster healthier relationships.
🤔 Self-Management in Relationships
The speaker shares a conversation with a rapper named Nas about what causes relationships to fail. They conclude that self-management is the key factor. The speaker explains that often, people blame others for the failures in their relationships, but the real issue is their inability to manage themselves. They stress the importance of taking responsibility for one's actions and behaviors, rather than expecting others to change. The speaker also discusses the concept of 'negotiated agreements' in relationships, where people have unspoken rules about how they interact. They argue that these agreements can sometimes lead to unhealthy dynamics, where one person always feels like they need to fix the other. The speaker encourages individuals to focus on self-improvement and self-management to create healthier relationships.
🏡 Personal Boundaries and Respect
The speaker talks about personal boundaries and the importance of respecting oneself and one's family. They mention their own practice of not bringing partners home, as a way to maintain privacy and respect for their family's values. The speaker also discusses the challenges of being in certain lifestyles and how it can affect relationships. They share a story about a celebrity who had to deal with a partner who didn't respect their boundaries and status. The speaker emphasizes the importance of finding a partner who is equal and respectful, and not someone who tries to maximize or minimize them. They conclude by stating that until they find such a person, they will maintain their boundaries and not expose their personal life to others.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Self-Affirmation
💡Maturity
💡Appetite
💡Self-Management
💡Negotiated Agreements
💡Caretakers
💡Perfection
💡Self-Worth
💡Lifestyle
💡Freedom
💡Human Condition
Highlights
The importance of recognizing that our self-worth is not based on what we do but who we are.
The realization that seeking affirmation from others can be a sign of unmet personal needs.
The concept that as we mature, our relationships and the way we conduct them change.
The opportunity for self-improvement when we become aware of our shortcomings.
The idea that we often have unspoken agreements in our relationships that define how we interact.
The insight that being a 'caretaker' in relationships can lead to others not acknowledging your needs.
The notion that self-management is crucial for the success of relationships.
The understanding that we often blame others for the failures in our relationships instead of looking inward.
The role of self-management in maintaining personal freedom and not living according to others' expectations.
The impact of societal norms and expectations on personal relationships and self-expression.
The importance of maintaining personal boundaries and self-respect in relationships.
The idea that until we find a person who is equal in a relationship, we might choose to keep them private.
The challenge of managing relationships in the public eye and the potential for being minimized or maximized.
The advice that instead of trying to fix others, we should focus on self-improvement.
The discussion on how we often expect others to change rather than addressing our own behavior.
The concept of 'negotiated agreements' in relationships and how they shape our interactions.
The idea that we should manage our own lives instead of relying on others to meet our needs.
The importance of recognizing the power we have in our behaviors and actions.
Transcripts
because so much of what we can be
affirmed for in our roles is based
on what we're able to do yeah and of
course at that age when you're younger
the level of what you're doing is
different than when you're older more
mature having work relationships
business relationships romantic
relationships but you'd be surprised how
many of your
decisions can be conducted like
legitimately conducted based on that
need that's not yet turned around right
and what it looks like when it's turned
around is being able to recognize first
of all it's not about the stuff that you
do it's about who you are and the
appetite that you have and how you meet
the need of that appetite MH if that
appetite is all about somebody affirming
you seeing you believing you are
brilliant and being able to say to you
gosh you are so smart I don't know what
I would have done if you weren't around
then you are pulling for that because
you're not going first yeah and and
there's some good news right great news
the good news is when you know better
you have the opportunity
to better now we don't always do better
when we know better but you have the
opportunity to do something different to
recognize what you're pulling for from
others in your community in your
relationships because this is not just
romantic y'all this is even in your
family relationships this is in your
friendships if you find that you are the
one that is always fixing things for
everybody else you're the one that
always has to come to the rescue it
could be that you've created a tribe of
people that need you now that's the
agreement that you have with them and we
talk about negotiated agreements we
always have Unwritten unspoken
agreements with people who we are in
relationship with now marriage is a
written contract but when you are in
business relationships when you're in
friendships when you're in family
relationships you really do have
contracts with those people negotiated
agreements that say this is how I show
up and this is how you show
upul here are the rules the rules are we
go out I
pay Perfection Perfection that's the
rules so don't get mad when you show up
and you got to pay all the time and they
never offer the help in fact what we
hear from the brilliant ones and the
caretakers all the time
is nobody ever asks them how they're
doing nobody ever sees them even
sometimes they'll say their parents will
say things like oh I don't worry about
you yeah you always going to bounce back
you are always going to land on your
feet now your brothers and sisters I
worry about them I got to keep up with
them but you you going to be all right
and meanwhile that person is like in a
ocean drowning just cuz you might look
like a swan on top of the water but
underneath you are pedaling because you
didn't just get there by by a you know a
a miracle you worked hard for where you
are and every day is a challenge and you
feel like you want somebody to just
check on you to ask you what you need
but you've negotiated agreements with
the people around you that you don't
need anybody if you've ever said to
yourself oh Child by the time the time
it's going to take me to teach them how
to do this I would have it done and
moved on you need to be listening so sis
I went to Paris a couple of years ago we
we we we in
Petty and um you know I did a lot of
interesting things and one of the things
that I did was I went to a
concert for a brilliant prolific writer
great mind of our time
rapper by the name of nir
Jones ah do you know who that is
Nas so I go to Paris I go to a Nas
concert in Paris and after the concert I
go back to the hotel and we are in
conversation yes you are in conversation
with
okay and he's sitting next to me and
we're talking he says so doc this is
what you do I
said what do I do he said the
relationship thing I said yeah he said
in one
word tell me what causes
relationships to
fail and I said
self-management and he looked at at me
and I looked at him I I he said
man you did that you did that I didn't
have to say lack of self-management I
didn't have to say poor self-management
I didn't have to say great
self-management he understood with that
brilliant mind exactly what I was saying
in that moment and the thing that is
interesting
is a lot of
things go right or go left based on our
ability to manage ourselves manage your
damn self manage your damn you know how
often do we look at
situations and say if they were
just they would just if they would just
act right I wouldn't be cussing
everybody out if they just get it
together we'd have a better relationship
if they would just leave me alone we'd
be good what we often look at others and
we look at situations and point the
finger at the other person at the other
person even on the show sis right I'm
put a ring on it couples come together
right trying to figure out whether or
not they should be together after this
longterm relationship yeah and we've
watched it you and I discuss it as it's
going on and what we know is that come
in like if you could just fix her if you
could just fix him and what we know
behind the scenes is like if you could
just fix your damn
self just saying not saying that from a
condemnation tone of voice not
condemning not not coming for you
because remember Crystal has a self and
Nicole has a self and and I got to I got
to manage my damn self all the time
every day all the time you know in doing
that
show so many people would come on and
bless them I you know it it's a
beautiful thing for a couple to
say we want to work with you because we
feel like you're going to do what's
necessary for the
relationship that is a very true
statement because we hold the space for
the
relationship the challenge becomes when
the couple thinks the space that's being
held is for you to fix the other person
Dr Nicole I need you to fix this person
I need you to fix him I need you to fix
her make her make
him cuz that's not how it works right
it's not how it works the power of the
Human Condition is the fact that we have
a level of
power in our behaviors and in our
actions yeah isn't it isn't it yummy um
to feel a sense of
Freedom yeah
like you're not living to the beat of
everybody else's drum cuz everybody's
got a drum and everybody Beats at a
different Cadence and has a different
Rhythm so when you're just beating
moving to the beat of your own
drum whatever sound you make however you
are moving to that beat is very
different than the chaos of trying to do
what everybody wants you to do oh yes
that's why I say I love it that's why I
said I could just be me and you know and
the thing is though too and I mean
because we in a different Society now
with you know Lifestyles and lgbtq and
and everything like there but my thing
is and I don't my psychi tell me you're
different you're different gay
because because the thing because with
me I don't do a lot of the things they
do I don't you know people do and I
don't like say to my parents my parents
never see me in a relationship they
never I have never brought a man home
never and and and my brothers have never
see me with a guy and I never even talk
about it with him really that's just me
because I was raised to respect myself
and I respect my parents you know even
though me and my parent my my dad is
deceased now but my mom and I you know
honey we love next door to each other
but I just don't believe that's just me
live next door to each other and she's
never met a part because I don't bring
guys home I don't because I mean and
this I know y this might sound crazy I
know I may be going all over the place I
mean for me one of the reason why I
never brought anybody at home because my
thing is in certain Lifestyles even
during heterosexual lifestyle too you
know you switch m
I'm not going to do all that bringing a
different guy home every day oh this my
friend oh this Leroy this Char this
Bucky no
youy so I'm not doing all that so until
I feel and I haven't found you know just
a good person yet you know I'm not g to
do all that you're not g to be exposed
it's just like and I mean this may sound
it's just like a relationship say but I
know a certain celebrity who um dated
guys this woman she dated guys or you
date these people and you in a lifestyle
certain lifestyle and then they want to
be a star um your ass was picking up
trash stay doing that I'm the star you
pick up your trash but we can still be
together you see so I'm not going to sit
here and do that and um make you the
star or whatever and then you put me
down or whatever you know what I'm
saying people try to make um maximize
you or minimize you at least you know so
until I get to where I want to be and
think I got somebody that's more equal
to me
I'll expose you but not
no
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