Self-Love, be Intentional | Caitlyn Roux | TEDxYouth@CapeTown

Summary

The speaker reflects on defining personal identity, sharing her journey from seeking validation through others' opinions, physical appearance, and relationships to finding self-worth and happiness. After a painful breakup, she embarked on a path of self-discovery, journaling, reading motivational books, and embracing positivity. She emphasizes the importance of intentional personal growth, self-love, and the impact of surrounding oneself with supportive people. The speaker encourages others to prioritize self-improvement and recognize their intrinsic value.

Takeaways

• 🌟 Self-Definition: The speaker emphasizes that many people define themselves by external factors such as physical appearance, job status, and others' opinions, which can be limiting.
• 🤝 People Pleasing: In high school, the speaker was a people pleaser, seeking popularity and approval as a means to feel successful and likable.
• 💃 Body Image Struggles: The speaker's obsession with weight and appearance led to unhealthy behaviors, including extreme dieting and self-harm, in pursuit of societal beauty standards.
• 💔 Dependent Happiness: Happiness was once derived from a relationship, placing the responsibility for personal happiness on another person, which left the speaker feeling broken when the relationship ended.
• 🚶‍♀️ Self-Reliance: The speaker learned the importance of standing on their own and finding happiness independently after the breakup, realizing personal strength and capability.
• 📓 Journaling and Positivity: Journaling feelings and thoughts, along with positive affirmations, helped the speaker cope with emotional pain and move towards self-improvement.
• 📚 Personal Growth: Reading motivational books and focusing on personal growth was a key part of the speaker's journey towards self-discovery and happiness.
• 🔄 Intentional Growth: Personal growth is not automatic and requires intentional effort and ownership of one's own development process.
• 🤗 Self-Love: Loving oneself is crucial for personal success and for being able to spread love and value to others, which is a limiting factor without self-love.
• 🌱 Self-Discovery: The speaker found self-discovery to be the best gift to oneself, allowing for growth on one's own terms and becoming the person one truly wants to be.
• 🤝 Surrounding Influence: The people we surround ourselves with have a significant impact on our growth, and it's important to ensure they add value and contribute to our development.
• 💡 Self-Reflection: Asking oneself if the relationships in life are adding value and if one is adding value in return is essential for evaluating and making necessary changes.

Q & A

What were the three main factors that the speaker used to define themselves during high school?

The speaker defined themselves through other people's opinions, their physical appearance, and their relationship status.

Why did the speaker become a people pleaser in high school?

The speaker believed that being more likeable would lead to greater success in life, as they associated popularity with being 'cool'.

How did the speaker's obsession with their weight manifest during their teenage years?

The speaker obsessed over their weight, following a strict diet of only salads, and even resorted to harming their body to control their food intake and achieve a certain physical appearance.

What was the turning point for the speaker that led them to seek happiness within themselves?

The turning point was a breakup and a phone call with their ex-partner who expressed happiness, which inspired the speaker to find happiness within themselves.

What method did the speaker use to cope with the emotional pain after their breakup?

The speaker started journaling their feelings and thoughts, using positive affirmations and surrounding themselves with motivational quotes.

How did the speaker's perspective on self-worth and happiness change after their self-discovery journey?

The speaker realized that happiness is something one creates for oneself and that self-love is essential before being able to add value to others' lives.

What role did self-reflection play in the speaker's journey towards self-discovery?

Self-reflection, through journaling and reading motivational books, helped the speaker understand their emotions, recognize their strength, and ultimately find happiness within themselves.

What advice does the speaker give about the importance of the relationship with oneself?

The speaker emphasizes that the relationship with oneself is the most important, as it influences how one sees and treats others, and that self-love is the foundation for adding value to one's own life and others'.

How does the speaker define personal growth according to their experience?

The speaker defines personal growth as an intentional process that requires taking ownership of one's own development, rather than expecting it to happen automatically.

What is the significance of the book 'The 15 Invaluable Laws' by John Maxwell in the speaker's narrative?

The book 'The 15 Invaluable Laws' by John Maxwell helped the speaker understand that spiritual, mental, and emotional growth does not occur automatically and must be pursued intentionally.

What two questions did the speaker's friend ask that made the speaker reflect on their journey of change?

The friend asked how the speaker decided to make a change in their life and mindset, and how they made that change stick.

What was the speaker's strategy for pushing through negative thoughts and self-talk during their transformation?

The speaker pushed through negative thoughts and self-talk by maintaining a strong desire to know themselves deeply and by focusing on self-improvement and self-love.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 Self-Discovery and Overcoming External Validation

The speaker reflects on how they used to define themselves through external factors such as popularity, physical appearance, and relationships. They recount their struggle with body image and the pressure to fit societal beauty standards, leading to harmful behaviors. The end of a significant relationship left them feeling lost and prompted a period of introspection. Through journaling, positive affirmations, and reading motivational literature, they found the strength to move on and realized their capability to stand on their own. The speaker emphasizes the importance of creating one's own happiness and shaping one's world through intentional personal growth rather than relying on external validation.

05:02

💡 Prioritizing Self-Growth and the Power of Self-Love

The speaker discusses the journey of making self-discovery a priority and the transformative effect it has had on their life. They explain that understanding and knowing oneself is a continuous process that requires intentional effort, not something that happens automatically. By focusing on personal growth and self-improvement, the speaker has learned to become the person they aspire to be, rather than one defined by others' expectations. They argue against the notion that self-priority is selfish, stating it is about taking responsibility for one's own success and happiness. The speaker also highlights the importance of self-love as a foundation for adding value to others' lives and inspiring them to be the best versions of themselves. They share insights on the significance of the relationship with oneself and how it impacts all other relationships and personal growth.

Keywords

💡Identity

Identity refers to the characteristics and qualities that make a person unique and distinguish them from others. In the video, the speaker discusses how they initially defined their identity through external factors like popularity, physical appearance, and relationships. The theme of finding one's identity is central to the narrative, as the speaker eventually realizes the importance of self-discovery and self-worth in defining who they truly are.

💡Self-worth

Self-worth is the value and esteem a person holds for themselves. The speaker mentions that they used to seek validation from others and external sources, which affected their self-worth. The concept is integral to the video's message, emphasizing the journey towards recognizing and accepting one's intrinsic value, independent of external opinions or circumstances.

💡People Pleaser

A people pleaser is someone who seeks to make others happy at the expense of their own needs or desires. The script describes the speaker's high school years as being a people pleaser, trying to be liked by everyone. This behavior is highlighted as a barrier to self-discovery and authenticity, as it led to living life according to others' opinions rather than one's own.

💡Physical Image

Physical image pertains to how a person presents themselves physically, often influenced by societal beauty standards. The speaker's obsession with weight and appearance is a key example, illustrating the pressure to conform to unrealistic ideals and the impact this had on their self-esteem and self-identity.

💡Happiness

Happiness, in the context of the video, is portrayed as an internal state that one must actively create for themselves. The speaker initially sought happiness from external sources, such as relationships and social approval, but later discovered that true happiness comes from within and is a product of self-love and self-acceptance.

💡Journaling

Journaling is the act of writing down one's thoughts and feelings, often used for self-reflection and emotional processing. The speaker used journaling as a tool to navigate their emotions post-breakup, which helped them to understand and affirm their own capabilities and strengths, contributing to their personal growth.

💡Self-discovery

Self-discovery is the process of learning about and understanding oneself. The video emphasizes the importance of self-discovery in building self-identity and self-worth. The speaker's journey of self-discovery involved introspection, reading motivational books, and challenging negative self-perceptions, ultimately leading to a stronger sense of self.

💡Motivational Books

Motivational books are literature that aims to inspire and encourage personal growth and self-improvement. The speaker mentions reading such books as part of their self-discovery process, using the insights gained to change their mindset and foster a positive outlook on life.

💡Self-love

Self-love is the act of having a deep affection and appreciation for oneself. The video discusses self-love as a foundational element for personal happiness and growth. The speaker's realization of the importance of self-love allowed them to move past external validation and find happiness from within.

💡Growth

Growth, in this context, refers to personal development and the process of becoming a better version of oneself. The speaker talks about the intentionality required for personal growth, highlighting that it does not happen automatically but requires effort and self-reflection. The concept of growth is central to the video's message of self-improvement and self-actualization.

💡Relationships

Relationships, in the video, are initially portrayed as a source of happiness and self-worth for the speaker. However, the narrative shifts to emphasize the importance of healthy, value-adding relationships that contribute to personal growth, rather than those that are dependent or co-dependent.

Highlights

The speaker discusses the common tendency to define oneself through physical appearance, job status, and societal opinions.

In high school, the speaker was a people pleaser, seeking popularity as a means to life success.

The speaker's obsession with weight and the extreme measures taken to achieve an idealized body image are described.

The realization that happiness was derived from a relationship and the subsequent sense of loss upon its end.

The process of self-discovery and the importance of finding happiness independently.

The transformative experience of journaling during a breakup and the shift towards positive self-affirmations.

The role of motivational books and quotes in shaping a positive mindset and overcoming emotional challenges.

The empowerment that comes from understanding one's own capabilities and strength.

The realization that happiness is a personal creation and not something found externally.

The concept that the world we live in is a reflection of our individual experiences and self-perception.

The importance of intentional personal growth and the debunking of the myth that it occurs automatically.

The analogy of personal growth to a close friendship, where time and focus deepen the relationship.

The decision to prioritize self-discovery and the benefits it has brought to the speaker's life.

The idea that putting oneself first is not selfish but a necessary step towards personal success and fulfillment.

The impact of self-love on one's ability to love and add value to others.

The speaker's advice on evaluating relationships based on their contribution to personal growth and value.

The encouragement to make a change in life when current relationships or situations do not add value.

The emphasis on knowing one's worth and focusing on self-improvement as a path to success.

The final message on the beauty of the growth process and the importance of embracing the journey.

Transcripts

I have a question for everyone that

question is what defines you as a person

what makes you you a lot of us tend to

define ourselves through our physical

image of jobs or bank balance and a lot

of the time to what others have to say

about us I used to find myself through

three things in high school

I was quite the people pleaser I wanted

everyone to like me because I thought

that the more likeable I was the further

that I would get in life because being

popular was so cool and I tried so hard

to become this person that everyone

would like a majority of the time I was

living my life through other people's

opinions of me from the age of 16 I

started to obsess over my weight so I

wanted to look like the cover girl in

Cosmo magazine you know the Photoshop

one my diet consisted of just salads and

I used to look chic on every single

calorie that my body was consuming I

even went to the extreme of harming my

body for many years to try and get rid

of the food that I'd eaten because I

needed the thigh gap and I needed the

thin waist I was in a relationship for

the last two years of school and I truly

believe that my happiness came from

someone else giving it to me I had put

so much pressure on this other person to

be everything to me to make me feel

worthy and make me feel like I was

enough and then when the relationship

ended I was completely broken I didn't

know how I was gonna stand on my own and

I felt like I lost a little sense of

identity that I had and I was terrified

of being alone

I know today that the only reason I felt

so empty and broken inside was because I

didn't know myself at all so it was the

hardest five months hardest and most

emotional five months of my life and I

didn't know how to deal with how I was

feeling all this pain or this emotion

and one day I called the person that I

used to be with and I asked are you

happy and he said yes and it was from

that moment that I decided that I was

going to be happy

you and that I was gonna find a

happiness that worked for me that I

wasn't going to deal with this pain and

these waves of emotion anymore so I

started journaling my breakup I wrote

down my feelings and my thoughts and

recently looking back on my journal I

realized how would end my writing off

with positive affirmations towards

myself things like you can do this kids

and I'm a huge fan of quotes so I was

putting quotes all around my room in

places that I could see is the and I

started reading motivational books and

positivity and powerful thoughts and how

to change your mind I was trying

everything to get through how I was

feeling something that seemed so

impossible but just like there's

positive affirmations that I was writing

towards myself I knew that I had the

strength to move on I just didn't know

how strong I actually was so I had to

pick myself up in some way and I did I

slowly started to and for the first time

in my life I realized just how capable I

actually was of standing on my own and

being my own person I just had to learn

through loss that all I needed to have

was me so for the whole of high school I

laid those three things define me other

people's opinions of me my weights a

relationship and by allowing these

things to find me I let them control and

consume my life and I was looking for

happiness in those three places but I

could never ever seem to quite find it

I believe that happiness is something

that you create for yourself by yourself

on your own terms the world that we live

in is something that we create for

ourselves and I'm not talking about

society's world I'm talking about the

individual world that each and every one

of us experience because as we shape our

world and our lives we shape ourselves

too so I've learned through picking

myself up through a breakup and letting

go of the things that I thought to find

me just how important it was for me to

take the time out to figure myself out

get inside my own mind and understand

myself and there's only one part of the

universe we can all be certain about

improving and that's ourselves I'm

currently reading a book called the 15

invaluable laws but John Maxwell and in

this book he says something that really

made me think he says as children our

bodies

automatically a year goes by we get

taller we become stronger become capable

of doing more things facing new

challenges but a lot of people carry

with them a subconscious belief into

adulthood that spiritual mental and

emotional growth occurs automatically to

now just think about that for a second

because I was one of those people that

believed that those things occur

automatically but it's not personal

growth has to be intentional we have to

take ownership of our growth process

because we do not simply improve by

accident think about a close friend of

yours the longer you spend time with

them the more you learn about them and

the closer you become and it's exactly

the same with yourself the more you

focus your energy on getting to know

yourself spending time by yourself the

more you will learn about yourself and

the closely who becomes yourself and let

me tell you that is such a beautiful

feeling when you realize how close you

are becoming to yourself I've decided to

make myself a priority in my life and

self-discovery is the best gift that I'm

giving myself and it's the one gift I

wish I could get each and every one of

you you don't have it already it has

allowed me to grow in my own terms

without someone else telling me how to

and by doing this I'm becoming the

person who wants to be rather than the

person I was told to be and a lot of

people think that putting yourself first

is selfish but putting yourself first

simply means taking for me it simply

means taking a stand looking at yourself

and saying that I'm going to do

everything in my power to see myself

succeed and reach my dreams I'm gonna

make the best choices in my life

including the people that I surround

myself with people that add nothing but

value to me and once you decide to love

who you are you can then take that love

that you have for yourself and spread it

to other people because without that

self-love you limit your ability to pour

into the lives of other people and add

value to them living the best version of

yourself inspires other people to live

the best version of themselves - I was

speaking to one of my friends the other

day and she asked me two questions she

said katelynn how did you decide that

you wanted to make a change in your life

within yourself and your mindset and

secondly

how did you make it stick so I had to

think quite hard about what she asked me

but I said to her I knew that I wanted

to make a change in my life the moment

that I decided that I was going to be

the only person that was going to Turman

my happiness that I was going to be the

only person I was going to define me not

those three things and how I made a

stick

I pushed I pushed through all the

negative thoughts I pushed through all

the negative self-talk and it wasn't

easy easy

it's never easy but I always had a

craving to know myself deep and if you

want anything that badly

anything is possible I know that the

relationship that I have with myself is

the most important relationship the

relationship that you have with yourself

is the most important relationship and

how you see yourself and how you treat

yourself is how you see and how you

treat other people how can you expect to

give love if you can't give love to

yourself first ask yourself the day if

the relationships you have in your life

by adding value to you or they help you

grow into the person you want to become

and then ask yourself but am i adding

value to me and these two questions are

very important because the people that

you surround yourself with in life have

a very big impact and influence on you

and your growth but you have the biggest

impact and influence on you so if the

answer to these questions are no then

decide today it's maybe make a change

and if you decide to make that change

don't just place a small amount of value

on yourself because rest assured the

world will not raise your price know

your worth

start focusing yourself developing

yourself improving yourself good things

will come and know that the space

between where you are now currently and

where you want to be is growth and the

thing called life that happens in

between is hard but it's really really

beautiful thank you

[Applause]

you