Private Violence Presents: Why We Stayed
Summary
TLDRThis script narrates a woman's journey through an abusive relationship, questioning the common inquiry of 'why did you stay?' It explores the complexities of love, isolation, and the psychological entrapment that keeps victims in such situations. The speaker recounts her experience with escalating violence and the fear of leaving a Marine-trained abuser. She discusses the initial charm that masked the eventual abuse and the struggle to break free from the cycle, influenced by financial dependence, lack of support, and societal pressures, including religious beliefs.
Takeaways
- 🤔 The question 'why did she stay?' is a common one, but it often overlooks the complexity of the situation and places blame on the victim.
- ❤️ People stay in abusive relationships for various reasons, including love, a desire to maintain the family unit, and economic dependence.
- 👨👩👧👦 The isolation from friends and family can make it harder for victims to seek help or leave an abusive situation.
- 💔 The abuser's initial charm and kindness can make it difficult for victims to reconcile the person they fell in love with and the person who becomes abusive.
- 🚫 The fear of the abuser's threats, such as being hunted down and killed, can keep victims trapped in the relationship.
- 🔄 The cycle of violence often gets worse over time, with periods of calm followed by escalating abuse.
- 🏃♀️ Leaving is not as simple as it seems; victims may have nowhere to go, no money, and lack of access to resources.
- 🤝 The feeling of a shared secret or a 'special bond' due to the abuse can be a twisted reason for staying.
- 💡 Realization that the abuser is not the same person as when the relationship started can be a turning point for victims to leave.
- 😨 The fear of the abuser's reaction to leaving, including potential retaliation, can keep victims from seeking freedom.
- 🙅♀️ Denial can play a significant role, with victims sometimes not recognizing their situation as abuse, even when asked by others.
Q & A
Why does the narrator believe people stay in abusive relationships?
-The narrator believes people stay in abusive relationships because they love the person, love what they used to have, or are trying to take care of their children.
What does the narrator think is the wrong question to ask victims of domestic violence?
-The narrator thinks it's wrong to ask victims 'why did you stay?' as it blames the victim instead of focusing on the perpetrator of the violence.
How did the narrator describe the abusive partner at the beginning of their relationship?
-The narrator described the abusive partner as Prince Charming, very kind, sweet, nice, attentive, and thoughtful at the beginning of their relationship.
What was the first instance of abuse the narrator experienced?
-The first instance of abuse was when the partner threw the narrator against the wall and started to choke them.
Why did the narrator initially think the abuse was her fault?
-The narrator thought the abuse was her fault because the partner was not that person all the time, leading her to believe it was something she did.
How did the narrator feel after getting married to the abusive partner?
-The narrator felt trapped after getting married, as the abuse did not stop but got worse and she was further isolated.
What was the reason the narrator gave for not leaving the relationship?
-The narrator did not leave because she was dependent on the partner financially, had no friends or family nearby, and felt no one would understand or care.
Why did the narrator decide to finally leave the relationship?
-The narrator decided to leave when she realized the partner was not the same man she married and that the violence could lead to her death.
How did the narrator describe the psychological trap that kept her in the relationship?
-The narrator described the psychological trap as a feeling of connection and a secret that bound them together, which she mistook for love.
What were some of the reasons the narrator stayed in the abusive relationship?
-The narrator stayed because she believed the partner's promises to change, had nowhere to go, no money, no access to resources, and was convinced by her religious community that she couldn't get divorced.
How did the narrator's perception of the abuse change over time?
-Initially, the narrator believed the abuse was a one-time event and the partner would change. Over time, she realized the abuse was escalating and that the partner was not the same person she fell in love with.
Outlines
🤔 The Complexity of Staying in an Abusive Relationship
The speaker in Paragraph 1 discusses the reasons why people, particularly women, stay in abusive relationships. They argue that the question of why someone stays is often asked but misses the point. The real issue should be why the abuse occurs. The speaker shares their personal experience of being in an abusive relationship with someone who was initially kind and loving but became violent. They explain how they felt trapped, isolated, and dependent on their abuser, which made leaving difficult. They also mention the fear of what the abuser might do if they left, highlighting the complex psychological factors that keep people in abusive situations.
😔 The Psychological Trap of Abuse
Paragraph 2 delves deeper into the psychological aspects of staying in an abusive relationship. The speaker describes feeling a twisted sense of connection with their abuser and the illusion of working together to overcome the abuse. They recount the escalating violence and the realization that they were in danger, prompting them to create a plan to escape. The speaker expresses fear of being found and the emotional turmoil of being bound by what they mistook for love. They discuss the denial and secrecy that are common in abusive relationships, as well as the pressure from their religious community that made them feel they couldn't leave. The paragraph concludes with the speaker's realization that their love for their abuser was not enough to overcome the abuse and the decision to leave.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Abuse
💡Love
💡Isolation
💡Dependency
💡Victim Blaming
💡Perpetrator
💡Prince Charming
💡Denial
💡Secrets
💡Psychological Trap
💡Religious Community
Highlights
The question of why women stay in abusive relationships is often misunderstood.
People stay in relationships for love or to care for their children, similar to any other relationship.
Asking why someone stayed in an abusive relationship blames the victim instead of focusing on the abuser.
The focus should be on why the abuser is violent rather than why the victim stayed.
The abuser was initially charming and kind, which is why the victim stayed.
The victim felt isolated and financially dependent on the abuser, making it difficult to leave.
The first instance of violence was a shock because it was out of character for the abuser.
The victim felt trapped and believed that leaving was not an option due to financial dependence.
The victim was threatened with severe consequences if they tried to leave.
The victim would leave temporarily but always returned due to a sense of familiarity and routine.
The abuser's behavior was a drastic change from the person the victim fell in love with.
The victim felt a twisted sense of connection and secrecy with the abuser.
The violence escalated to a point where the victim realized they could die.
The victim had to create a plan to escape, fearing the abuser would find them.
The victim was bound by psychological manipulation, mistaking it for love.
The victim stayed due to denial and the belief that love could conquer all, including abuse.
The victim was influenced by their religious community to stay in the marriage.
The victim kept many secrets, feeling isolated and unable to confide in others.
Transcripts
it is the question that I'm asked the
most why did I stay why does any woman
stay and for the life of me I can't
understand why people are obsessed with
it because to me it's so obvious why
does anybody stay with somebody that
they love you know we've all been in
relationships that even if they weren't
abusive we not working any longer and we
all stay far longer than we want and
it's you stay for the same reasons you
stay because you love the person or you
love what you used to have or you're
trying to take care of your children
when we ask why did you stay you know
we're blaming the victim for their abuse
as opposed to asking why did you hit
this person or why are you violent or
why do you feel the need to be
violent why would somebody abuse why
would somebody beat the people who love
him or her most on Earth until we ask
that question we won't be able to
obliterate domestic violence we have got
to focus on the perpetrators of violence
not the
victims it's cliche but he really was
Prince Charming he was very kind and
sweet and nice I left what I was doing
to come and be with him and I was alone
with him I didn't have any uh friends or
family in the area I couldn't find a job
so he paid the bills and so we got into
an argument and that's the first time
that he hit me he actually threw me up
against the wall and started to choke me
um and I didn't really understand what
was happening cuz he was not that person
all this time um and so when he finally
let me
go I thought it was something I did you
know I wasn't thinking to
run after we got married it didn't stop
it just got worse and worse and worse
and I felt like I was trapped at that
point we had moved from where we were
across the country again and I was
further isolated I didn't have any
friends or family and essentially he
still was the bread winner I was
dependent on him so if I left what was
what was I going to do where was I going
to go you know who how was I going to
take care of myself I felt like no one
would understand and I felt like no one
would
care the First full out physical attack
was 5 days before the wedding part of me
knew I had to leave him right then that
I couldn't marry somebody who had done
this but then this other part of me said
but wait it was one time and I told
myself he'd never do it again that I was
sure he was very sorry and um I didn't
leave I married
him you stayed with this guy yeah I
didn't have a choice I mean he told me
and I I AB you know that's the part that
always so interesting to me it's like
you know the standard question why
didn't you leave why didn't you leave
why didn't you leave well uh he was
trained by United States Marine to hunt
people down and kill him and he told me
if I left he would hunt me down and kill
me that's why I didn't leave I used to
pull what he would call my disappearing
ax and that would be I would you know
get the boys and get out because I it
just was getting too intense but I would
always go back because at least I knew
where he was at least I knew the routine
I knew what to expect but you know it's
it's a terrible way to live to always be
looking over your shoulder
he didn't start out with being abusive
he started out with being incredibly
sweet and Incredibly attentive and
Incredibly thoughtful and Incredibly
kind and saying things to me that no one
had ever said and and paying attention
to me in ways that no one ever had you
know and I was really taken by
it one of the reasons why we
stay is because the behavior is such
a drastic change from the person we met
in the
beginning and we're constantly looking
for the man in the beginning instead of
concentrating on the man that is in
front of
us once I
understood
that then I made the decision you know I
got to go this is not the same man I
married I mean I love him but
he's going to kill me with every violent
um moment I felt further connected to
him in this kind of Twisted way I felt
that you know we had this secret that
that bound us together and that this was
something big and we were working on it
and so we had to stay together until we
worked it
out the violence got to a point where I
realized that I I could
die I had to create a plan I had to
figure out where I was going to go and
how I was going to get there and who I
was going to reach out to for help if
there was any I was scared I was afraid
that he would find me I was afraid that
he would be so angry that I left that he
would come after me I couldn't just get
up and walk away and it was the most
terrible
feeling to know that I could leave and I
still couldn't leave because I was bound
by
this psychological trap that I thought
was love that wasn't
love you know I had so much denial if
you had come to me and said are you
being physically abused you know if my
doctor had asked me or a best friend I
would have said no I'm not being
physically
abused you do feel isolated and you keep
a lot of Secrets you know you keep a lot
of secrets in your in your heart in your
home in your head I stayed because I
believed him when he said he wasn't
going to do it again I stayed because I
didn't have anywhere to go I didn't have
any money I didn't have access to any
resources I stayed because my religious
community convinced me that I couldn't
get divorced because God would hate me
um I stayed because I loved him you know
I stayed because he was the love of my
life and I wanted to believe that love
could conquer all including abuse
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