Rejection Sensitivity: The Real Reason You're Struggling in Relationships

Summary

В данном видео скрипт рассматривается проблема чувствительности к отвергнению, которая является адаптивным механизмом выживания в неоптимальных средах детства. Автор объясняет, как это влияет на отношения и поведение взрослых, и предлагает методы, такие как медитация и терапия, для преодоления этой проблемы.

Takeaways

• 🧠 Режект-сенситивити — это адаптивный механизм выживания в неидеальной среде, часто связанный с детским воспитанием в домашних условиях, где не создавалось чувства безопасности.
• 🌐 Люди с высоким уровнем режект-сенситивити живут в постоянном страхе отторжения и ожидают негативных реакций окружающих, что приводит к постоянному вниманию к своим действиям и словам.
• 🚶‍♂️ Одним из ключевых признаков режект-сенситивити является готовое восприятие, когда нейтральные сигналы воспринимаются как отрицательные, что усиливает чувство отторжения.
• 😣 Реакция на режект-сенсититивность включает в себя эмоциональный и поведенческий перепон, что часто приводит к избыточному извинению и попыткам исправить ситуацию.
• 🧘‍♀️ Медитация и развитие самосожаления могут помочь уменьшить режект-сенсититивность, так как они помогают развивать способность наблюдать за своими мыслями и эмоциями без автоматической реакции.
• 🤔 Для людей с режект-сенсититивностью важно различать свои мысли от реальности и не автоматически принимать за верные собственные выводы о том, как другие воспринимают их.
• 👥 Групповая коучинг или подобные формы взаимодействия могут быть полезны для людей с режект-сенситивинти, так как они предоставляют безопасное пространство для изучения и переобучения поведенческих реакций.
• 🧠 Мозг людей, которые испытывают режект-сенситивинти, отличается в активности определенных регионов, таких как дорсолтеральную часть коры, что подтверждает биологическую природу этой вязкости.
• 👨‍⚕️ Хотя режект-сенситивинти может быть связано с различными психологическими расстройствами, его можно обработать и переобучить, даже если диагностическое покрытие этих условий отсутствует.
• 💡 Осознание и понимание режект-сенситивити — это первый шаг к изменению поведения и восстановлению здоровых отношений с окружающими.

Q & A

Что такое чувствительность к отвергнению?

Чувствительность к отвергнению - это адаптивный механизм выживания в неидеальном окружении, часто связанный с детским воспитанием в условиях, когда ребенок чувствует себя небезопасным или незащищенным.

Каковы два типа людей, о которых говорится в скрипте?

Существуют те, кто живет сложными отношениями, постоянно боясь отрицательных реакций окружающих, и те, кто живет без подобных страхов, не беспокоясь о том, что другие могут быть разозлены на них.

Какие области жизни могут быть затронуты чувствительностью к отвергнению?

Чувствительность к отвергнению может проявляться как в работе, так и в романтических, дружеских или семейных отношениях.

Чему приравнивается воспитание в семье, связанном с чувствительностью к отвергнению?

Воспитание в семье, связанном с чувствительностью к отвергнению, может быть сравнено с тем, как ребенок живет в постоянной опасности отца или матери, которые могут быть грубыми или необразованными.

Какие три ключевых особенности чувствительности к отвергнению упоминаются в скрипте?

Три ключевых особенности: а) тревожное ожидание, б) искажение восприятия нейтральных стимулов и в) чрезмерная реакция как на эмоциональном, так и на поведенческом уровнях.

Какие стратегии адаптации рекомендуются для борьбы с тревожным ожиданием?

Для борьбы с тревожным ожиданием рекомендуется проводить нейтральные взаимодействия, не перегибая руку и не переагирая на них.

Чем отличается восприятие нейтральных стимулов людьми с чувствительностью к отвергнению?

Люди с чувствительностью к отвергнению склонны интерпретировать нейтральные стимулы как отрицательные и часто винить себя в таких ситуациях.

Как медитация может помочь в преодолении чувствительности к отвергнению?

Медитация, особенно с фокусом на самосочувствии, может помочь развивать самосочувствие и создавать расстояние между личными переживаниями и реакциями, что способствует нереактивности.

Какие другие методы помогают в борьбе с чувствительностью к отвергнению?

Кроме медитации, могут быть полезны индивидуальная или групповая психологическая поддержка, терапия и саморазработка стратегий для изменения поведения.

Почему стратегии, которыми пользовались в детстве, могут быть неэффективны в взрослой жизни?

Стратегии, такие как избегание и апологetics, могут быть неэффективны в взрослой жизни, так как взрослые отношения не гарантированы и излишняя избегание или апологetics могут отпугнуть других.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Решение чувствительности к отвергнению

Раздел 1 обсуждает чувствительность к отвергнению как адаптивный механизм выживания в неоптимальных средах, часто связанных с детским воспитанием. Авторы рассматривают два типа людей: те, кто живет в отношениях на 'сложном' режиме, и те, кто кажется неосязаемыми отвергнениям. Разница в поведении связана с тем, как каждый из них воспринимает социальные ситуации и возможные отрицательные реакции окружающих. В видео рассматривается, как развивается чувствительность к отвергнению, и что это такое на уровне психологии и нейробиологии.

05:02

🧠 Механизмы чувствительности к отвергнению

Раздел 2 углубляется в особенности чувствительности к отвергнению, такие как ангстральный ожидание, искажение восприятия нейтральных сигналов и преувеличение реакций. Авторы объясняют, что это качество не просто психологическое, но и физиологическое, подтвержденное исследованиями мозга. Также рассматривается, как эти механизмы могут быть развитием в детстве в ответ на требования неоптимальных условий окружения.

10:05

🤔 Как преодолеть чувствительность к отвергнению

В этом разделе рассматриваются стратегии для преодоления чувствительности к отвергнению, включая наблюдение за собственным поведением и мыслями, стремление к нейтральным взаимодействиям и умение не реагировать на восприятие отвержений. Авторы подсказывают, что самообвинение и преувеличение проблем - частные случаи для таких людей и как их можно исправлять.

15:05

🧘‍♀️ Медитация и самосожаление

Раздел 4 фокусируется на роли медитации и самосожаления в преодолении чувствительности к отвергнению. Авторы утверждают, что медитация может помочь развивать самосожаление и умение быть наблюдателем своих социальных реакций, что способствует уменьшению чувствительности к негативным восприятиям.

20:08

🤝 Групповая коучинг и работа с отвергнением

В заключении авторы предлагают групповой коучинг как среду для практики и изменения поведения в отношении чувствительности к отвергнению. Группа предоставляет безопасное пространство для испытания и изменения социальных реакций без последствий, что может помочь индивидуам развивать более здоровые способы взаимодействия.

Keywords

💡Отторжение

Отторжение - это чувство отклика, недоверия или неприязни от других. В контексте видео это ключевой концепт, который описывает, как люди могут быть чувствительны к таким откликам и как это влияет на их поведение и взаимоотношения. В скрипте отторжение связано с тем, как реагируют люди на возможные негативные отзывы от окружающих, и как это может привести к стрессу и негативному влиянию на их жизнь.

💡Чувствительность к отторжению

Чувствительность к отторжению - это тенденция быть чрезмерно восприимчивым к сигналам отвержения от других и испытывать сильные негативные эмоции в ответ. В видео рассматривается, как эта чувствительность может развиваться из-за недостатка безопасности в детстве и как она влияет на способность людей устанавливать и поддерживать отношения.

💡Адаптивный механизм

Адаптивный механизм - это психологическая термин, обозначающий стратегию или реакцию, разработанную в процессе адаптации к определенным условиям окружения. В видео подчеркивается, что чувствительность к отторжению является адаптивным механизмом, который разрабатывался в детстве для выживания в неблагоприятных условиях.

💡Ансамбль стратегий

Ансамбль стратегий - это набор методов или подходов, используемых для достижения определенной цели. В контексте видео это термин, который описывает различные стратегии, которые люди могут использовать для управления своим беспокойством и чувствительностью к отторжению, включая медитации, терапию и самообучение.

💡Гипервязательность

Гипервязательность - это состояние постоянного внимания и ожидания негативных исходов. В видео рассматривается, как люди с чувствительностью к отторжению могут испытывать состояние гипервязательности в социальных ситуациях, что приводит к постоянному беспокойству и ожиданию отвержений.

💡Переоценка

Переоценка - это тенденция к преувеличению или недооценке определенных событий или данных. В контексте чувствительности к отторжению переоценка связана с тенденцией к преувеличению негативных симптомов или сигналов от окружающих, что приводит к незначительным событиям быть воспринятым как угрозы или отвержения.

💡Эмоциональная реакция

Эмоциональная реакция - это изменение состояния или чувств в ответ на определенное событие или ситуацию. В видео рассматривается, как эмоциональные реакции людей с чувствительностью к отторжению могут быть сильными и негативными, и как они могут влиять на их поведение и взаимоотношения.

💡Автоматические мысли

Автоматические мысли - это быстрые, неосознанные и часто негативные мысли, которые возникают в ответ на определенные события или ситуации. В контексте видео это термин, который описывает, как люди с чувствительностью к отторжению могут автоматически приходить к негативным выводам, если они считают, что кто-то может отвергнуть их.

💡Медитация

Медитация - это практика, направленная на расширение сознания и понимания внутреннего мира через расслабление и сосредоточение. В видео рассматривается, как медитация, особенно с фокусом на самосочувствии, может помочь людям с чувствительностью к отторжению управлять своими реакциями и переоценками.

💡Терапия

Терапия - это процесс профессионального медицинского или психологического обслуживания с целью улучшения здоровья пациента. В контексте видео терапия упоминается как метод, который может помочь людям с чувствительностью к отторжению в области улучшения их ментального здоровья и управления своими проблемами.

Highlights

Introduction to rejection sensitivity and its impact on relationships

Comparison between people with high rejection sensitivity and those who seem oblivious to it

The idea that rejection sensitivity is an adaptive survival mechanism in non-ideal environments

Example of how growing up in an abusive or neglectful household can lead to rejection sensitivity

How children in such environments develop survival mechanisms to avoid caregiver's disapproval

The experience of 'walking on eggshells' and hyper vigilance to moods in the household

The difference in brain activity between those sensitive to rejection and those who are not

The three key features of rejection sensitivity: anxious expectation, ready perception, and overreaction

How neutral stimuli are perceived negatively by those with rejection sensitivity

The challenge of unlearning avoidant behaviors that were once adaptive in childhood

The paradox that relationships in adulthood are not constant, unlike childhood relationships with parents

Strategies for managing rejection sensitivity: having neutral interactions and not overreacting

The importance of not overreacting to neutral stimuli and self-blame

The role of meditation and self-compassion in reducing rejection sensitivity

How group coaching can provide a safe space to examine and reprogram social reactions

The metaphor of learning to swim with a life vest versus without, illustrating the transition from childhood to adulthood

The hope for reprogramming oneself to better navigate relationships and social interactions

Transcripts

today we're going to talk about

rejection sensitivity

[Music]

look at the world there are kind of two

types of people there's one group of

people that are sort of living

relationships on hard mode where they're

kind of constantly in their heads about

okay if I say this is going to piss

someone off what will they think about

me they're sort of always walking on

eggshells relationships feel really

really hard whether they're at work

whether they're romantic relationships

or even friendships or family

relationships and if you're one of those

people you look at other people and

you're like how is this even possible

there are some people out there who are

like yeah you know if people get pissed

off at what I do that's their problem

you know I can't be shaping my behavior

to try to make other people happy I

gotta live for myself and for some of us

that seems like incredibly foreign in

our mind our experience is completely

different we're constantly thinking

about okay what is this person going to

think what is this person going to do

how can I avoid having this person like

get mad at me and we're sort of

hypersensitive to that stuff and the

really frustrating thing is is that when

we look at these people who are sort of

like oblivious to relationship stuff

they seem to be like living kind of like

happy-go-lucky oblivious sort of lives

and they also seem to have like

friendships and things like that they

can also do really well at work right

because they're kind of like extroverted

and outgoing and if they screw up

they're like lol hi screwed up and

everyone laughs at them and meanwhile

you were at work and you're like oh my

God I screwed up what are people gonna

think am I gonna get fired is everyone

going to hate me and it just feels like

there's these two completely different

ways of living life the hard thing is

that as we sort of look towards those

people who are kind of oblivious about

this stuff they don't seem to be

thinking about it it doesn't really

bother them we actually kind of want to

be like them right we want to be happy

go lucky we want to be a little bit out

of our own heads we want to be able to

set our boundaries the challenge though

is that we can't really do what they do

right and we may even list talk to them

uh and ask for advice or we may sort of

like hear about advice from the internet

where people are like just do this like

set your boundaries right like let your

boss know that this is not okay let your

parents know that this is not okay this

is unacceptable and so we can kind of

say stuff like that but with the people

who are giving that kind of advice

aren't really like sensitive to

rejection so the Playbook that they're

using is different from the Playbook

that we're using the life that they're

living in even the brains that they have

are actually very different from ours

because rejection sensitivity is a very

real thing and today we're going to talk

a little bit about how we develop

rejection sensitivity a little bit about

how it manifests and some more about

what to do about it so let's talk about

how rejection sensitivity develops so

generally speaking rejection sensitivity

is actually an Adaptive survival

mechanism to a non-ideal environment

growing up so we're going to give you

all kind of an extreme example of this

okay so let's say that I'm in a

household where I don't feel safe or

secure the most most classic example is

like a parent who is abusive or

neglectful so what people sort of learn

what children learn is a survival

mechanism is how can I read any kind of

subtle sign from my parenting figure or

caregiver about what their mood is and

how can I avoid pissing them off right

so if caregivers sort of blame you for

their bad mood and they punish you for

like annoying them then you will become

sensitive to rejection so what this

experience kind of feels like for people

is like you're kind of walking on

eggshells you're hyper Vigilant to the

mood of people within the household and

sometimes when I talk to people who have

really been in traumatic situations I'll

ask them how long does it take you to

know whether you're like in for a bad

night and they'll say they can tell

within seconds the second my mom or dad

walks in the door I can tell based on

like it's it's so rapid and it's

unconscious I know already that I need

to go into survival mode and what these

people will end up doing is they'll

engage in some kinds of behaviors that

are actually survive level or adaptive

Orient or adaptations such as becoming

invisible right or being very very

careful about what you say or what you

do because you don't want to trigger

some kind of negative sort of situation

and if you kind of think about the child

in this situation this situation does

not feel safe or secure and since it's

not safe or secure we can't do anything

even remotely risky and what we have to

learn how to do is play it safe and if

you grow up in a household like this you

will grow up as someone who is rejection

sensitive and this by the way is not

something that like people kind of made

up this is something that's very been

very scientifically validated they're

actually questionnaires that you can

take that will actually measure the

level of rejection sensitivity you have

and people have also done brain scans on

people who are sensitive to rejection

and found that their brains are

different for example one study looked

at activity in the dorsal interior

cingulate cortex which you don't have to

get into too much of the specifics but

the key thing about these brain scan

studies is that they find that some

people are sensitive to specifically

disapproval and that some parts of their

brain will light up and will become

hyperactive when there's any kind of

disapproval on their radar they don't

respond this way to even things like

anger or fear or other negative emotions

but when they see a facial expression of

disapproval their brain kind of lights

up like a Christmas tree so this is

absolutely something that is an

adaptation and shapes the way that our

brain is formed so what are the key

features of rejection sensitivity there

are three of them the first is anxious

expectation so people who are sensitive

to rejection are always worried and

almost expecting to be rejected so what

this results in is in social situations

a sense of hyper vigilance where you're

constantly thinking or even waiting to

be rejected so you can't just be

yourself and relax you have to

constantly think about okay if I say

this how is this person going to respond

if I show up at work and I'm wearing

this clothing will this person and start

to think oh my God I'm trying to copy

them so you're constantly thinking about

and expecting some sort of rejection the

second feature of rejection sensitivity

is ready perception now what does this

mean this means that there are actually

neutral stimuli in the environment that

you will perceive as negative and there

have been studies done on this as well

where someone may say like let's say you

text someone and then they don't respond

right away so this is somewhat like of a

neutral stimulus it doesn't mean that

they dislike you doesn't mean that they

hate you but if you are someone who is

prone to rejection what that means is

that your brain will interpret a neutral

stimulus in a negative way and this

explains why people who are sensitive to

rejection have such difficult

experiences of life because there's

actually a lot of neutral or benign

stimuli out there but our brains are

going to interpret them as like negative

towards us and this sort of leads to the

third aspect of rejection sensitivity

which is overreaction so this is where

either emotionally or behaviorally where

first of all anxiously expecting and

then we're over interpreting neutral

stimuli which then results in an

overreaction right so if I text someone

and they don't text me back suddenly I

feel terrible my amygdala and my

hippocampus will sort of like hyper

activate my limbic system hyper

activates I feel a ton of negative

emotion and then I suddenly start

copiously apologizing for texting them

and disturbing them right so what your

life sort of feels like if you're

sensitive to rejection what it actually

looks like is that they're all kinds of

like neutral or maybe negative stimuli

you perceive them as negative and then

you're constantly apologizing constantly

walking on eggshells constantly trying

to fix relationships that you seem to

always screw up and so this is all

mediated by stuff going on in the brain

now the tricky thing about rejection

sensitivity is as we mentioned earlier

it's actually a survival mechanism and

the real problem that people who are

sensitive to rejection run into is that

this is kind of like learning a survival

strategy that then stops helping you

survive and actually causes you problems

later on in life and so there's one key

thing to understand here which is that

when you learn these kinds of avoidant

behaviors right because by the way

you're tired of pissing people off and

you keep on screwing up so the best

thing to do is to retract from the

relationship so if you kind of think

about how we learn these strategies

these strategies are usually learned in

the home so there's one key thing that's

very different about growing up with

rejection sensitivity and living as an

adult with rejection sensitivity and

that is when you're growing up the

relationship is actually constant or

guaranteed right so I want you all to

think about a six-year-old or a

seven-year-old who's learning these

adaptive strategies as they learn to

withdraw and avoid people because we're

tired of pissing people off and we keep

on screwing up that parent is still

going to be there tomorrow they're going

to still be there the next day in the

next day in the next month in the next

year so we learn this sort of adaptive

strategy of avoidance in a situation

where the relationship can never be

ruptured right if I start avoiding

people like my parents are still going

to be there every day so the

relationship is in a kind of constant

state that will never result in like

them withdrawing from you because it's a

parental relationship the real struggle

that people with rejection sensitivity

have is as they move out into the world

those relationships are not constant

those relationships are not guaranteed

and so what happens is a lot of the

strategies that we use which is learning

how to be invisible walking on eggshells

and avoiding situations will actually

negatively impact our relationships

right because if I start to be really

avoidant with a friend of mine or

someone that I I'm even starting to date

or a boss and I'm like dodging text

messages because I'm afraid of pissing

them off what I will end up doing is

piss them off I'll come across as aloof

I'll come across as uninvested I'll come

across as busy and then people will

start to retreat from us and that this

creates a really challenging conundrum

for someone who's sensitive to rejection

because oh my my God now this person is

retreating what did I do wrong and

that's when you you kind of get

paralyzed right because you don't you

want to do more you want to pull them

back in but you grew up in a situation

that did not teach you how to pull

people back in did not teach you how to

engage with people because actually the

survival strategy when you were growing

up is go go invisible and become

avoidant so now the natural question

kind of becomes okay so what do we do

about this right and this is where we're

going to Tunnel down into the three

features of rejection sensitivity a

little bit more so the first is anxious

expectation so this is where If You

observe yourself when you interact with

people what you'll kind of discover is

that your mind is on high alert and one

of the key things that you can do to

kind of overcome this is try to have as

many neutral interactions as you can so

why does your mind always exist on high

alert it always exists on high alert

because it learned to be in high alert

right like you learned that okay we need

to be constantly in high alert because

we are constantly in danger so one of

the most important things that you can

do is to have as many neutral

interactions as possible and don't

overreact to them so if you go and hang

out with people try to have it just be

neutral right so like you don't have to

knock it out of the park you don't need

to like piss people off but just try to

hang out with people and over time as

long as you're kind of neutral that sort

of anxious expectation will start to

decrease we basically want to give our

brain more data about how people will

react to us because we don't want to use

the conclusions from childhood the

second thing that we need to be a little

bit careful about is how we react to

neutral stimuli and this is where people

who are sensitive to rejection really

negotiate against themselves when it

comes to social situations so you will

take any kind of neutral situation or

any kind of situation and you will first

of all assume the worst and secondly

blame yourself the most right so if

someone says hey I'm sorry I can't hang

out today or they cancel the last minute

you're not going to interpret that as oh

this person is flaky or they're sick or

this is a problem on their end you are

automatically going to interpret that as

a problem on your end so you need to

really be aware of the way that you

actually like give yourself very little

credit and you give them a bunch of

credit and you'll you're sort of really

willing to negotiate yourself and always

take on the mantle of being the bad guy

because remember in the household that

you grew up in whose fault was it if

mommy or daddy were mad it was your

fault you need to be quieter I can't

believe you didn't put away your toys

and they kind of blame you for all this

kind of stuff so you get into a pattern

of blaming yourself so become aware of

that pattern and the third thing is that

people who are sensitive to rejection

tend to overreact both emotionally and

behaviorally and so that's where I know

this sounds really really really hard

but when you are in a situation where

you feel rejected just stall just

procrastinate just don't do anything

don't do anything to make them happy

because remember that your mind may be

over interpreting or incorrectly

interpreting how they feel about the

situation so don't like don't react so

you'll have these very powerful drivers

within you that say oh my God I screwed

up I screwed up I screwed up what do I

need to do what do I need to do to fix

it let me send them flowers let me do

this let me apologize over and over and

over again because until I apologize

I can't tolerate this feeling of

negativity but as you start to overly

apologize and take responsibility for

stuff that is not your responsibility

what happens to the relationship

sometimes they're like oh my God this

person is like so clingy like I don't

even know like I can't manage this

person's negative emotions like they're

overly apologizing I don't know what to

do so they can start to withdraw or

sometimes what's even worse is they will

play into it they're like yeah

everything is your fault and I feel this

way because you screwed up and the worst

thing that someone who's sensitive

rejection can do is find someone who

will Tango with them find someone who

will actually be like willing to dance

that dance with them because then what

ends up happening is you find yourself

in an abusive relationship where you

have you're now in a relationship with

someone and that could be friendship

could be boss could be romantic where

they you're willing to take the blame

all the time and hey by the way they're

narcissistic so they're totally happy

blaming you all the time so the key

thing there is to try to just not react

try to stall as much as possible and try

to tolerate that negativity as best as

you can now this is where we kind of got

to talk about a couple of other

interventions there are several studies

on meditation that show that meditation

actually mediates improvements in

rejection sensitivity and specifically

what meditation teaches is some stuff

like self-compassion so there are some

studies that have even tunnel down into

okay what aspect of meditation is

responsible for improving rejection

sensitivity and it turns out that

self-compassion is a key part of so

let's think a little bit about how this

works so as we start to meditate and

especially if we do self-compassion

meditations which you all can find on

our YouTube channel or you can sort of

check out Dr K's guide as you start to

do these meditations you start to

develop compassion towards yourself and

as you develop compassion towards

yourself you start to not always be at

fault if you're not always at fault or

someone that people are just waiting to

reject then you can start to really like

start to interact with people and kind

of a healthier way right because if they

don't text you back oh that has nothing

to do with me because I'm actually a

decent human being so it's not

necessarily my fault and so this is one

way in which meditation can really help

us address these kinds of things another

mechanism through which meditation can

help with rejection sensitivity is that

it helps us be observers of our own

internal environment right so the

problem with a rejection sensitivity is

that our mind produces conclusions that

we automatically believe to be true oh

yeah this person is not texting me back

because I'm not worth texting back and

so what we actually want to do what

meditation can help us do is create

distance between our own experiences and

can lead to actually non-reactivity

which is one of the key things that we

really want to fix when it comes to

rejection sensitivity sensitivity now if

you're listening to this and you're kind

of saying okay so like what are you

saying I should just tldr meditate well

that's like if you want to DIY it right

if you're listening to this up until

this point you're saying that sounds

really hard and it sounds really hard

for me to kind of fix this sounds like

I've tried meditation before and it's

hard to do well we're happy to lay out

with you how you can DIY it but this is

where frankly like diying it is hard so

the real question that you've got to ask

is like okay if you can handle this you

should absolutely do it here's the road

forward but it can be a little bit of a

bumpy road the other challenge here is

that sometimes therapy can be helpful

for rejection sensitivity so for example

rejection sensitivity is coral tightly

correlated with Borderline Personality

Disorder with mood disorders with

anxiety disorder with body dysmorphia so

it's correlated with all these mental

illnesses that you can get diagnosed and

treated for and if you get diagnosed and

treated for those conditions chances are

the rejection sensitivity will improve

so if you feel like this is too much to

do on your own you can absolutely work

with a therapist or psychiatrist who can

help you with some of these other

conditions as well the real challenge

about working with therapists or

psychiatrists though is that none of us

are really formally trained or very few

of us are formally trained in rejection

sensitivity what we're trained in is are

those diagnoses and this is where things

get really tricky because it's possible

to have rejection sensitivity without

one of those diagnoses and remember that

rejection sensitivity can kind of

correlate with each of those things so

the cool thing is that through research

we've really understood that like

actually rejection sensitivity is a

adaptation of the brain it's a

particular wiring or conditioning that

can be deconditioned and you can

actually Target that specifically and

this is where like we sort of understand

this stuff which is why we kind of like

built our coaching programs so as an

example like group coaching was sort of

designed to help people with the stuff

that therapists sort of aren't great at

necessarily helping with so we're not

really substitute therapy and we don't

try to be substitute therapy what we

really try to do is help people with

things like emotional awareness

rejection sensitivity awareness of

interactions and so group coaching is a

good example of this because what we do

in group coaching and by the way you

don't have to sign up for group coaching

if you can find an environment we're

going to lay out what we try to

accomplish in group coaching that you

can absolutely try to craft for yourself

okay so in group coaching you're with a

group of people so you're anxiously

expecting that you're going to piss

someone off and when you feel that way

the group is an environment where you

can share those feelings and you can say

I feel terrible about myself and then

this is where people with compassion and

authenticity will help you dig into that

feeling and what we're going to sort of

create is this artificial social space

where you can kind of like examine your

reactions we're going to evoke those

reactions but we're not going to kick

you out of the group we're not going to

stop texting you and this is the real

value of group is that there's no other

part to the relationship right so we

don't care like we're not planning on

playing video games we're not going to

be friends we're not going to date we're

not going to go into business together

it is literally a place for you to

engage in examine your social

interactions and actually start the

process of Repro programming so this is

what we try to create is situations

where like you're going to have feelings

we're going to invite you to share your

feelings we'll even inquire if we notice

you're quiet we'll sort of say like hey

what makes it hard for you to engage

with us do you feel comfortable asking

answering questions and so people will

kind of like bring you in there they'll

bear that responsibility and what we

tend to see when we sort of create this

kind of situation and once again it

doesn't have to be group coaching but if

you can create any kind of situation

where you can have some of these

explorations of your reactions to

conversation to kind of social cues and

things like that then you can really

start to unravel that and start to

reprogram yourself so as it turns out if

you're kind of looking at other people

who seem to be able to socialize like

really freely and are like kind of like

yeah I don't really mind if I piss other

people off because that's on them and

that idea is very enviable to you but

also seems foreign to your like how on

Earth can you do that I'm terrified

constantly of pissing people off and

there's all kinds of relationships that

I end up screwing up and maybe even

you've gone to a therapist or

psychiatrist and you've tried to figure

out what's going on but you don't even

meet diagnostic criteria for something

like social anxiety disorder it turns

out that there's this whole other thing

that we actually have a growing body of

research on and that is rejection

sensitivity the reason our brain is

wired like this is because these were

actually adaptive survival mechanisms

for usually our home environment the

real challenges that our home

environment is kind of built on this

idea that your parents won't really

abandon you right so maybe they did but

hopefully not but if you're six if

you're seven if you're eight if you're

nine your parents are always going to be

there so the way that I'd kind of

describe this is It's almost like

imagine you're learning how to swim with

a life vest on so like you have this

life vest on because your parents are

never going to abandon you and so the

habits that you build the way that you

learn how to swim is like not really

ideal because you've got this one key

Safeguard and this is what happens with

people with rejection sensitivity is

that help them survive in the pool with

the life vest the problem is that when

you move out into the real world and

when you start to engage in work

relationships romantic relationships

even friendships that life vest goes

away because your parents may never

abandon you but other people if you like

keep avoiding them or you overly

apologize or you're clingy like they're

gonna be like this is too much and

they're actually going to withdraw so

what happens is you build all these

habits of how to swim with a life vest

on and then when you move out into the

world you take the life vest off and

suddenly the ways that you learn how to

swim no longer work and then you feel

like you're drowning and you look at

everyone else out there who's actually

able to swim and you're like I don't

understand and you try to mimic their

movements but it doesn't work right you

can't just watch someone else swim and

then suddenly like have been in the

water for 18 years with life s and

suddenly do what they're doing you're

gonna start drowning and it feels really

traumatic and it feels like it's

impossible to get a handle on so our

hope today is that we've helped you

understand this a little bit to

understand that there isn't something

fundamentally best with you this is your

brain's way of like trying to figure out

how to survive in the household that you

grew up with and the cool thing is that

those adaptations we can actually lay

out and there's actually a process

everything from meditation to the DIY

stuff to seeing a therapist or trying

something like coaching that you can

actually like unlearn some of these

behaviors you can actually learn how to

reprogram yourself to swim in these

kinds of relationships

foreign