How Narcissist Tests You 3 Times: Will YOU Pass?
Summary
TLDRThis script discusses the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, emphasizing that the narcissist's choice of victim is not based on the victim's qualities but on what they can exploit. It outlines three tests narcissists use to select victims: the ability to be idealized, provision of at least two of the '4 S's' (sex, supply, services, safety), and vulnerability to the shared fantasy. The speaker clarifies misconceptions about the spectrum of narcissism, asserting that while traits exist on a spectrum, the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is binary.
Takeaways
- 🔥 Narcissistic abuse can be as devastating as hell itself, causing immense psychological torment.
- 😣 Victims often try to make sense of the abuse by attributing it to their own positive qualities, which is a form of self-deception.
- 🧐 Narcissists are not selective; they target anyone who can provide them with the four 'S's: Sex, Supply, Safety, and Services.
- 🔎 Narcissists assess potential victims through three tests: idealization potential, ability to provide two of the four 'S's, and vulnerability to the shared fantasy.
- 👤 Idealization by a narcissist is not based on the victim's true qualities but on a distorted image that the narcissist creates.
- 🔍 The 'Supply' can be either narcissistic (adoration) or sadistic (inflicting pain to feel powerful).
- 🔒 'Safety' refers to the victim's potential for addiction to the narcissist or the shared fantasy, making them stay in the relationship.
- 🕵️♂️ Narcissists use a form of empathy, devoid of emotional connection, to identify vulnerabilities in potential victims.
- 🚫 The myth that narcissists target only specific 'types' or exceptional individuals is debunked; they are opportunistic and exploitative.
- ❌ The notion of a spectrum of narcissism within the clinical diagnosis is contested and not supported by mainstream academic research.
Q & A
What is the primary factor that leads someone to be targeted by a narcissist?
-The primary factor is not any specific personal trait but the individual's availability and willingness to participate in the narcissist's shared fantasy and provide at least two out of the four 'S's: sex, supply (narcissistic or sadistic), services, and safety.
What are the four 'S's that a narcissist looks for in a victim?
-The four 'S's are sex, supply (narcissistic or sadistic), services, and safety. These represent the benefits that the narcissist seeks from their target.
How does a narcissist determine if someone can be idealized?
-A narcissist determines if someone can be idealized by identifying minimal traits, assets, behaviors, or looks that they can exaggerate and inflate to create an idealized image of the person in their mind.
What is the role of the 'idealized image' in the narcissist's manipulation process?
-The idealized image is used by the narcissist to make the target fall in love with themselves through the narcissist's gaze, becoming addicted to the process and thus more susceptible to manipulation.
How does a narcissist evaluate if a person can provide services?
-A narcissist evaluates if a person can provide services by assessing their abilities and resources, such as driving, fixing things, social interaction, or mathematical skills, that the narcissist can exploit for their benefit.
What is the difference between narcissistic supply and sadistic supply?
-Narcissistic supply involves adoration, admiration, and aggrandizement, while sadistic supply is derived from inflicting pain and suffering on others, affirming the narcissist's self-perception as omnipotent.
Why is the concept of safety important to a narcissist when choosing a victim?
-Safety is important because the narcissist seeks a victim who is likely to become addicted to the relationship, someone with a maternal instinct, or someone who is loyal and inertial, ensuring the victim's continued participation in the relationship.
How does a narcissist use empathy to their advantage?
-A narcissist uses a form of cold empathy, which combines reflexive and cognitive empathy without emotional empathy, to scan and identify a potential victim's vulnerabilities and weaknesses.
What is the significance of vulnerability in the narcissist's selection process?
-Vulnerability is significant because it indicates a person's susceptibility to the shared fantasy. A narcissist looks for signs of damage, escapism, romanticism, or low self-love that make someone more likely to be drawn into their manipulative dynamic.
What does the author mean when they say 'narcissists don't choose their victims because they are wonderful'?
-The author means that the myth of narcissists targeting exceptionally empathetic or flawless individuals is false. Instead, narcissists choose victims based on what they can exploit from them, not because of any positive qualities the victims possess.
What is the author's stance on the existence of a spectrum of narcissism?
-The author clarifies that while there is a spectrum of narcissistic traits and behaviors, once a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is made, it is binary—either one has it or not. The author rejects the idea of varying degrees of NPD as unsubstantiated and clinically unsupported.
Outlines
🔥 Understanding Narcissistic Abuse
This paragraph discusses the concept of narcissistic abuse, portraying it as an agonizing and harrowing experience akin to hell. It emphasizes the victim's struggle to find meaning in the chaos of their relationship with a narcissist. The speaker explains that victims often try to justify their situation by attributing their selection by the narcissist to their own positive qualities, such as empathy and kindness. However, the paragraph clarifies that narcissists are indiscriminate in their choice of victims and are driven by the need for the 'four S's': sex, supply, narcissistic or sadistic supply, and safety. The speaker, Sak, introduces himself as an expert in the field and sets the stage for a deeper exploration of the topic.
🕵️♂️ The Narcissist's Selection Process
The second paragraph delves into how a narcissist identifies potential victims. It outlines three tests that a narcissist applies to determine if someone is suitable for their needs. The first test is whether the individual can be idealized, which means the narcissist looks for minimal traits to exaggerate and use as a basis for admiration. The second test is the ability to provide at least two of the four S's, which include sex, services, supply (narcissistic or sadistic), and safety. The paragraph explains that the narcissist is not interested in a genuine partnership but rather in what they can extract from the relationship.
🔍 Dissecting the 'Four S's
This paragraph breaks down the 'four S's' that a narcissist seeks from their victims. Sex refers to the narcissist's need for sexual satisfaction that caters to their fantasies. Services involve the narcissist exploiting the victim's skills or resources, such as driving or fixing things. Supply, which can be narcissistic or sadistic, refers to the emotional sustenance the narcissist receives, either through adoration or by inflicting pain. Safety is about the victim's reliability and predictability in providing the narcissist with what they need. The speaker highlights the exploitative nature of the narcissist's mindset and how they view potential victims as sources to be mined for their benefit.
🌐 The Shared Fantasy and Vulnerability
The fourth paragraph continues the discussion on the narcissist's selection criteria, focusing on the third test: vulnerability to the shared fantasy. The narcissist uses a form of empathy, devoid of emotional connection, to identify a victim's weaknesses and potential for being drawn into their idealized world. The speaker explains that the narcissist looks for signs of damage, daydreaming, romanticism, or a lack of self-love that would make a person susceptible to the illusion of perfection that the narcissist offers. This vulnerability is key for the narcissist to establish control and maintain the relationship on their terms.
🚫 Debunking Narcissistic Myths
In the final paragraph, the speaker debunks the myth that narcissists choose their victims based on the victims' positive qualities. Instead, the narcissist's selection is based on what they can exploit from the victim. The paragraph also addresses the misconception of a spectrum of narcissism, clarifying that while there are varying degrees of narcissistic traits, the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is binary, not a matter of degree. The speaker emphasizes that narcissists do not value empathy or kindness and sees these qualities as weaknesses. The paragraph concludes with a reminder that the narcissist's choice of victim is not a reflection of the victim's worth but rather the narcissist's predatory nature.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Narcissist
💡Narcissistic Abuse
💡Four S's
💡Idealization
💡Empathy
💡Vulnerability
💡Shared Fantasy
💡Predator
💡Codependency
💡Trauma Bonding
💡Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Highlights
Narcissistic abuse is described as an exquisite form of agony, akin to hell itself.
The victim often tries to make sense of the senseless by attributing their selection to personal qualities like empathy or intelligence.
In reality, the narcissist is indiscriminate and promiscuous in mate selection, seeking anyone who can provide the four S's: Sex, Supply, Safety, and Services.
The narcissist's choice of victim is not based on the victim's special qualities but on their availability and utility.
The narcissist puts potential victims through three tests to assess their suitability.
Test one: Are you capable of being idealized by the narcissist?
Test two: Are you able to provide at least two out of the four S's?
Test three: Are you vulnerable to the shared fantasy?
The narcissist creates an idealized image of the victim to make them fall in love with themselves through the narcissist's gaze.
The four S's are detailed: Sex, Services, Supply (narcissistic or sadistic), and Safety.
The narcissist uses cold empathy to scan potential victims for vulnerabilities.
Vulnerability to the shared fantasy is a key factor in becoming a victim of narcissistic abuse.
The process is mechanical and algorithmic, not based on personal traits or qualities.
The narcissist views potential victims as mines to be excavated, not as individuals.
The myth that narcissists choose victims because of their wonderful qualities is debunked.
The speaker clarifies the academic stance that there is no spectrum of narcissism in the clinical diagnosis.
The distinction between mild, moderate, and severe levels of personality disorders is contentious and not supported by clinical studies.
The speaker provides a link to an article in the description that recaps the debate on the spectrum of narcissism.
Transcripts
no Agony more Exquisite and more
harrowing than the pseudo relationship
with the
narcissist narcissistic
abuse it is a paratory it is Hell itself
with Everlasting
fires and so you need to make sense of
the
senseless you you need to imbue with
meaning the random events that led to
your crucifixion and
immolation in the fires of the
narcissist and so you tell yourself that
you have been
chosen chosen because you're empathic
because you're kind because you're
compassionate because you wanted to give
you're a
giver because you are drop dead gorgeous
hyper intelligent and so on so forth
keep trying to
inject some am modicum of sense into
what has
happened you were chosen that makes
sense you were chosen by someone who is
essentially quintessentially
evil but of course this is
nonsense it is self-aggrandizing
nonsense it renders you angelic
but it is also counterfactual nonsense
that is not what happens in
reality the
narcissist is
indiscriminate the narcissist is
promiscuous when it comes to mate
selection he would choose as a mate
anyone anyone who is able to provide the
narcissist with a four
s's the four s's are
sex Supply narcissistic or
sadistic safety and services two of the
4S would suffice for you to qualify as
the narcissist long-suffering intimate
partner best friend coworker anyone
anyone who gravitates towards the Ambit
of the black hole that is known as The
Narcissist so it's not that you are
something
special your trades
even your looks are meaningless to The
Narcissist what matters to the
narcissist is your availability to play
the game to participate with him in his
shared fantasy and to become an
extension of himself and a servant
subservient submissive always there this
is what we're going to discuss today
because the question
arises there is no type there is no type
that the narcissist is attracted to the
narcissist is not attracted to you
because he doesn't see
you the narcisist couldn't care less
about empathy and kindness he wouldn't
recognize empathy and kindness if they
were to fall on his head from a very
from very
high so that that's this is not what
matters to The Narcissist what matters
to the narcissist is your willingness
enthusiastic willingness to provide the
four 's and yet this raises the question
how did how does the narcissist
recognize willing
providers ample providers appropriate
providers qualified providers how do how
does n
separate would be good providers from
those who are unable to provide the
narcissist to cater to The Narcissist
needs how does narcissist discern
usually on a first encounter within the
first few minutes how does the
narcissist
discern that you could be a great victim
material the prey that he is a predator
is looking for how does an narcissis see
you on a first date on a first meeting
for the first
time my name is Sak I'm the author of
malignant self- love narcissism
Revisited the first book ever ever on
narcissistic abuse I'm a professor of
Clinical Psychology in seaps Cambridge
United Kingdom and I am currently a
newly appointed visiting professor of
psychology and
economics in
southeast um Europe European
University okay credentials aside let's
move
on the narcissist comes across you you
come across a narcissist
you see each other across a room you you
date each other you talk to each other
uh you find yourself engaged in the same
project in the workplace you become best
friends with the narcissist or so you
think how does the narcissist recognize
you as the right the right partner in
his and participant in his shirt
fantasy The
Narcissist puts you through three
tests and the tests are are you capable
of being idealized by The
Narcissist test number two are you able
to provide at least two out of the four
S's and test number three are are you
vulnerable not vulnerable to The
Narcissist but are you vulnerable to the
shared
fantasy and let me elaborate a bit on
each of these um on each of these tests
test number one are you capable of being
idealized do you have the minimal traits
minimal assets the minimal behaviors the
minimal looks emphasis on minimal which
would allow the narcissist to latch onto
them leverage them exaggerate them
inflate them and use them to
idealize The Narcissist can idealize and
would idealize
anything if you're in a wheelchair he
would idealize your
willow if you are drop dead gorgeous he
would idealize your looks if you're
minimally attractive and not so drop
more drop dead than gorgeous he would
idealize that narcissist would idealize
anything if you uh graduated high school
but never went on to college you would
idealize your entrepreneurial Spirit or
free spirit or rebellious Spirit if you
did go on to College he would idealize
your intelligence The Narcissist just
needs an excuse to idealize you he needs
to get to know you better he creates an
inventory in his mind of all your
personal history events circumstances
people you know traits your traits
various assets you
possess physiological mental and
material your behaviors your
interactions and interpersonal
relationships with other people once he
has amassed once he has agglomerated and
accumulated this database about you once
he has put together the file the dossier
about you he can then idealize each and
every one of these elements and create
an image of you a representation of you
in his mind an avatar a snapshot an
inject that has nothing to do with you
he then grants you access to this
idealize idealized image of yourself in
order for you to fall in love with
yourself through him through his gaze
and become addicted to the
process
so it is very rare that the narcissist
finds nothing to idealize as I just
mentioned even if you are an
underachiever even if you are fugly
excuse the excuse the expression excuse
my French even if you are
dumb as a KN even whatever you are the
narcissist would take it run with it and
produce an idealized version of it it
would create a narrative where your
particular deficiencies and lacks and
flaws are actually glamorized and
glorified and render you a perfect
entity a perfect
being the only time a narcissist fails
to find anything to idealize is if if
you hold back if you avoid if you
withdraw if you reject the narcissist if
you're critical of the narcissist if you
disagree with the narcissist repeatedly
if you humiliate the narcissist and
shame The Narcissist especially in
public at that point The Narcissist
would be unable to idealize
you okay that's test number one having
passed this test narc says to himself
there are quite a few things in this
potential intimate partner in this best
friend in this coworker in this boss in
this leader of a political party the
pastor in the church and neighbor there
are quite a few things I can
idealize and therefore I can Embark and
move on to the next stage and the next
stage is the
question is she or he able to provide
two of the four
S's and to remind you the four s's are
Sixx Services Supply sadistic or
narcissistic and safety your
presence let's break each one of these
down
six The Narcissist asks himself which
two of the four s's this individual who
can be idealized which two of the four
s's is he or she able to provide with
relative safety regularly and
predictably start with sex do you find
the narcissist
attractive are you enthusiastic about
having sex with the
narcissist um would sex with you be both
consensual and
submissive are you prone to sexual
fantasies are you unbounded and kinky
sexually self trashing and
promiscuous are you likely to cater to
The Narcissist own sexual fantasies go
on an exploration of the autoerotic
nature of the narcissist sex or
psychosexuality if the answer to all
these is yes a resounding yes then
you're definitely able to provide the
first s of the four six next services
are you able to provide the narcissist
with the services that he needs and
lacks for example um a narcissist who
does not have a driving license would
look for someone who can serve as a
shaare as a driver a narcissist who is
unable to fix things at home would look
for someone uh who is an able handyman
or handy woman an narcissist who is
unable to interact well with other
people would look for someone who is
sociable and can serve as an interface a
go between and Inter and provide
intercession and intermediation with
other people a narcissist who is not
very good in math would look for someone
who is very good in mouth narcissist who
is uh profligate and not spend Thrift
and very bad with money would look for
someone who is the compliment now this
is common this is common in normal
healthy regular couples as well but the
narcissist is not thinking in terms of
synergy he's thinking his thinking does
not dwell on let's work together let's
collaborate and become I don't know a
power couple the naris is thinking is
how much can I take how can I exploit
her or him it's an exploitative mindset
can I make her drive me forever can I
take her money forever can I make him um
cater to my needs on a regular basis so
it's a highly exploitative mindset The
Narcissist does not
regard the other person person as an
integral part of a diet or a couple he
regards the other person the way a minor
regards a mine as an opportunity for
extraction Services number three Supply
number three of the four Essence Supply
Supply could be
narcissistic or could be sadistic
narcissistic Supply is adoration
admiration adulation being someone's fan
and follower and so on so forth
aggrandizing the other person so this is
narcissistic Supply sadistic Supply is
when the narcissist is able to inflict
pain and suffering on people thereby
proving to himself that he or she is
omnipotent all powerful and Godlike
inflicting pain on other people gives
the narcissist enormous pleasure but not
in the classical sense classic sadistic
sense but enormous the enormous pleasure
of validating and affirming the
narcissist self-perception and
self-image is Godlike he can inflict
suffering on other people he can cause
them pain he can witness them rising in
agony because he is divine he is a deity
so this is narcissistic Supply and
sadistic Supply The Narcissist puts you
uh through another minute is are you
able to be an adoring fan are you able
to be uncritical of the narcissist never
disagree with him never find fault with
him be submissive masochistic and even
self-loathing
if you can if you are like that then you
can provide Supply and you will will
have become a reliable
predictable uh source of Supply next
safety
do you have an addictive personality are
you likely to get addicted to The
Narcissist or to the narcissist shared
fantasy or to the way the narcissist
sees you addicted to yourself to your
idealized self through the narcissist
gaze addiction addiction is the glue
that hold the holds the shirt fantasy
together so one of a question narcissis
asks is this person potentially addicted
could potentially become an addict so of
course codependence are a good choice
borderlines are a better choice but not
necessarily many healthy people actually
do have an addictive
personality next question does he or she
have a maternal Instinct can I leverage
this maternal instinct to induce bonding
and attachment especially trauma bonding
is this person loyal and inertial in
other words unable to stop doing
whatever it is she's doing unable to
exit a relationship because she is
committed to the same course of action
inertial simply means that you move in
the same path unable to stop yourself or
reverse has to do with addiction
addiction of course so this is the
second test is he or she as an intimate
partner as a friend as a colleague as a
boss as a past whatever is he or she
able to provide two two of the four 's
sex Services Supply and safety if the
answer is yes you can be idealized
that's test number one and you can
provide two out of the four s's we move
on to the the third stage the third
stage is the narcissist scans you the
narcissist and Psychopaths possess
called empathy called empathy is a
Confluence a combination of reflexive
empathy and cognitive empathy but
without the emotional component
emotional empathy is absent missing so
the narcissist uses cold empathy to
penetrate you to scan you to map your
vulnerabilities your the chinks in your
armor to Traverse your defenses and
invade your mind to entrain you Etc so
the narcissist scans you this is the
third test and the narcissist question
is is she vulnerable is he vulnerable to
the shirt fantasy is there a
vulnerability to the Shar fantasy for
example is this person damaged and
broken is she a
Daydreamer does he abhor reality is this
person romantic even as a friend
grandio does this person have a deficit
of self-love Etc if the answer is yes to
any of these let alone to a combination
of these this is the kind of person who
would be vulnerable to the charms of the
shared fantasy to the to the alternate
reality offered by the shared fantasy
this paracosm of perfection ideal ideal
Hedonism and the self-gratification that
emanates from this paradise like or
heaven-like setting
let me summarize it for
you you have not been chosen there is no
specific type the narcissist is
attracted to the narcissist asks himself
three questions and he makes you he
subjects you to three
tests if you pass these three tests you
qualify to be the narcissist intimate
partner best friend
colleague neighbor or whatever these are
the
are you capable of being
idealized are are you are you there
aren't you rejecting The Narcissist
aren't you disagreeing with the narcist
aren't you critical of the narcis if
you're not any of these and you're there
you're available question of
availability you qualify test number two
are you able to provide two of the four
critical essential esses sex Services
Supply andx safety if yes the third test
is are you vulnerable to the shared
fantasy and if the answer to these three
is a resounding yes you're in and the
narcissist pounces on you and you become
the narcissist prey that's as simple as
that it's an algorithm it's a
mechanical automated robotic algorithm
The Narcissist couldn't care less about
your traits your qualities your kindness
your empathy even your looks or
intelligence or what have you on the
very contrary by the way the narcissist
abhor and resents competition so he
wouldn't choose someone who hyper
intelligent and super good-look when he
when he is not he couldn't identify
empathy even when confronted with it and
he regards empathy and love as
weaknesses intrus intrusions
annoyances actually if regards any help
and advice his narcissistic injury
because you're challenging his
grandiosity in short narcissists don't
choose their victims because their vict
their victims are such wonderful Angelic
blameless Flawless people that is a
self-aggrandizing myth a narcissistic
myth
actually Nar narcissist chooses you not
because of who you are but because of
what he can take from you safely in the
long term predictably and
regularly The Narcissist depletes
you think of yourself as a mine and the
narcissist as a minor or an excavator
that is the Shir
fantasy ah
sorry one more thing I forgot I received
an avalan of messages from many of you
that it is not true that there is no
spectrum of narcissism or other
personality disorders there are
definitely uh V varieties of narcissism
that there are mild cases there moderate
cases and there are severe cases there's
a spectrum and it could be less
narcissistic highr narcissist this
narcissist that let me clarify something
this is not what we think in academ this
is not the Orthodoxy that's not the
mainstream that's not what our studies
in the past 40 years have
shown however it is true that the 11th
edition of the ICD the international
classification of
diseases this addition does distinguish
between mild moderate and severe levels
of clinically diagnosable personality
disorders personality disorder there's
only one diagnosis there but this this
distinction between mild moderate and
severe levels or intensities of
personality disorder in the clinical
phase this is a highly contentious
claim actually the majority of Scholars
myself included reject this claim in the
icd1 we think it's a mistake it is
utterly unsubstantiated clinically no
study supports it
it's we have no idea none of us have any
idea where it came from maybe from
YouTube and if you go to the
description there's a link to a recent
article I think two years old where the
authors recap this debate and they also
make
clear
that there is no foundation for the
claim that there is a spectrum or
Continuum of intensities of Personality
dis disorders or the single personality
disorder in the ICD there's no such
thing we do of course have narcissistic
we do have styles we for example
narcissistic Style versus narcissistic
disorder or narcissistic personality
disorder yes there are people who are
narcissistic but they are not
narcissists they cannot be diagnosed
with
NPD it's true that there is a spectrum
or Continuum of traits and behavior
all this is true but once the diagnosis
has been rendered once you've been
diagnosed with narcissistic personality
disorder it's
binary it's binary like pregnancy either
you have it or you don't and there are
no gradations and no levels and no
intensities and no grades when in
narcissistic personality disorder all
the rest you can find in the video that
I've made a few days ago okay time to
let go me I know you're addicted but you
know give me a break see you later
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