Firmness as a Parent

Summary

In this reflective account, a parent narrates their experience with their two-and-a-half-year-old son, Arier, who recently started preschool. The parent discusses the importance of firmness and gentleness in teaching self-regulation, drawing from an incident during a mountain hike a year prior. They recount how, through consistent firm guidance and respect, they helped Arier overcome his fear of separation and develop self-control, leading to improved behavior and a stronger sense of security.

Takeaways

• 👨‍👦 The father recounts an experience with his two and a half year old son, Arier, during a hike where firm reassurance helped soothe the child's crying.
• 🌲 The incident on the hike marked the beginning of the father realizing the importance of firmness in parenting, especially for his son.
• 📚 Arier started preschool recently, which was a significant change leading to increased whining and emotional responses at home.
• 🛌 The father used firm physical contact and verbal reassurance to help Arier calm down during a bedtime routine after a stressful day at preschool.
• 👶 The toddler's response to the firm approach indicated a need for structure and a way to self-regulate his emotions, which the father aimed to instill.
• 👪 The father emphasizes the importance of respect in parenting, showing it by believing in Arier's capabilities and teaching him self-control.
• 🏡 The father discusses the concept of safety and protection within the family, highlighting his role as protector and the duality of power and safety.
• 📖 The parents are reading 'Hunt, Gather Parent', a book that aligns with their approach to involving their child in family responsibilities.
• 🍽 The father encourages Arier's participation in household chores, like cleaning dishes, to foster a sense of contribution and respect within the family.
• 🌟 The narrative highlights the father's intentional approach to parenting, focusing on mutual respect, responsibility, and the development of the child's character.

Q & A

How old is the child mentioned in the script?

The child is two and eight months old.

What was the child's reaction when he started preschool?

The child was very upset and afraid, especially of being left by his mother.

How did the parent handle the child's whining after starting preschool?

The parent used firmness and gentleness to help the child regulate his emotions, providing a firm structure and teaching self-control.

What was the parent's approach when the child was crying during a bath?

The parent held the child firmly, made eye contact, and used a firm tone to reassure the child, encouraging him to 'pull himself together'.

What technique did the parent use to help the child calm down during a nighttime episode?

The parent held the child tightly, used a deep, rumbling growl to provide a sense of firmness, and reassured the child verbally that he was okay.

How did the parent's actions affect the child's behavior the next day?

The child did not cry the next morning for the first time in a week and a half, indicating that he had learned some self-control.

What is the significance of the parent's capability for violence in providing safety?

The parent's capability for violence, when properly controlled and directed outwards, creates a safe environment for the family by acting as a protector.

What role does respect play in the parent's approach to handling the child's emotions?

Respect is a fundamental aspect of the parent's approach, as it involves trusting the child's capabilities and teaching him to trust and respect himself.

What book are the parents reading that aligns with their parenting philosophy?

The parents are reading a book called 'Hunt, Gather Parent'.

How does the parent involve the child in household tasks?

The parent involves the child in tasks like cleaning dishes and loading the dishwasher, respecting the child's desire to help and teaching responsibility.

Outlines

00:00

👨‍👦 Father's Hiking Experience with Toddler

The speaker recounts an experience from a year and a half ago when he was hiking with his two and a half-year-old son, Arier, in a backpack. The child became tired and started crying. The father initially tried to soothe him gently but eventually had to use a firm tone to get Arier to stop crying. This incident marked the beginning of the father realizing the importance of firmness in dealing with his child. The story transitions to the present, where Arier is starting preschool and experiencing separation anxiety. The father reflects on how he needs to provide a firm structure for his son while also being gentle and understanding of his needs.

05:01

🛁 Firmness as a Parenting Tool

The father describes a recent event where Arier was being whiny and upset after starting preschool. The father, while bathing Arier, used firm physical contact and a strong, calm voice to help his son regulate his emotions. He made Arier make eye contact and repeated affirmations to help him feel safe and in control. The father also had Arier physically 'pull himself together' to help him self-soothe. This approach was effective, and Arier calmed down and enjoyed the rest of the bath. The father emphasizes the importance of firmness in teaching children self-control and the difference between his and his wife's parenting styles.

10:03

🌙 Midnight Soothing with a Firm Approach

The narrative continues into the night when Arier woke up whiny and upset. The father, who was sleeping with mouth tape on, held Arier tightly and used a deep, rumbling growl to soothe him, similar to how one might comfort a distressed animal. This firm but non-threatening approach helped Arier calm down and eventually fall back asleep. The father reflects on the dichotomy of using power and potential violence to create a safe environment for his family and how this power can be projected inward to help his child learn self-control.

15:06

📚 Respect and Responsibility in Parenting

The father discusses the concept of respect in parenting, explaining how he respects Arier's ability to self-regulate and control his emotions. He talks about the importance of intentionally crafting a family dynamic based on mutual respect and responsibility. The father also mentions reading a book called 'Hunt, Gather Parent' and how it has influenced his approach to letting Arier help with household chores, even if it takes longer, as a way of respecting him as a valuable member of the family.

20:07

🌱 Fostering Growth and Learning Through Experience

In the final paragraph, the father talks about the importance of allowing Arier to learn from experiences and grow through them. He gives the example of Arier's transition from being terrified of going to preschool to asking to go early, showing how the child has learned to trust and overcome his fears. The father emphasizes the need for intentional and constant crafting of family dynamics, respecting Arier's natural inclinations, and supporting his growth edge. He concludes by acknowledging the importance of these early experiences in shaping the family's future interactions and Arier's development.

Keywords

💡Firmness

Firmness in the context of the video refers to the assertive and decisive manner in which the father responds to his child's distress. It's a calm but firm way of communicating that helps the child understand that everything is okay and that they can trust their environment. The father uses firmness to guide his child through new experiences and emotions, such as starting preschool, by providing a sense of security and teaching self-control.

💡Regulation

Regulation, as used in the video, pertains to the process of managing and controlling one's emotions or behavior. The father discusses the importance of teaching his child self-regulation, helping him learn to manage his emotions and reactions. This is exemplified when the father helps his child calm down from a crying fit by using firm touch and verbal reassurance.

💡Respect

Respect in this video script is about acknowledging the child's capabilities and autonomy. The father shows respect for his child by expecting him to be able to self-regulate and by involving him in age-appropriate tasks around the house, like helping with dishes. This approach fosters a sense of responsibility and value within the child.

💡Preschool

Preschool in the script symbolizes a new and challenging environment for the child. It represents a step towards independence and socialization. The child's initial distress at being dropped off at preschool is a key part of the narrative, illustrating the child's need to learn to trust his parents and manage his fear and anxiety.

💡Emotional Control

Emotional control is a central theme in the video, where the father helps his child learn to manage strong emotions, particularly fear and frustration. This is shown through the various instances where the child is upset, and the father uses firmness and reassurance to guide him towards calming down and self-soothing.

💡Trust

Trust is a key concept in the script, reflecting the child's need to trust his parents and his own abilities. The father discusses how sending the child to preschool is a way of teaching him to trust that his parents will not leave him in a harmful situation, and that he can handle the challenges presented to him.

💡Parenting

Parenting, as depicted in the video, involves guiding, teaching, and nurturing a child's growth. It encompasses the father's approach to handling the child's emotions, teaching him self-regulation, and building trust. The father's actions and reflections provide insight into his parenting philosophy and practices.

💡Gentleness

Gentleness in the video refers to the soft, caring, and comforting aspect of the father's interactions with his child. It contrasts with firmness but works in conjunction with it to provide a balanced approach to parenting. The father uses gentleness to reassure his child that he is safe and loved.

💡Self-Control

Self-control is highlighted as a skill the father aims to instill in his child. It is shown through the various instances where the child is learning to manage his reactions and emotions. The father's guidance helps the child gain a sense of mastery over his own emotional state.

💡Container

In the script, 'container' is used metaphorically to describe the stable and secure environment that the father provides for his child. It represents the father's role in creating a safe space where the child can learn, grow, and explore his emotions without feeling overwhelmed.

💡Therapy

Therapy, mentioned in the context of the video, refers to the father's reflections on his role in providing a regulated and grounded presence for his child, similar to a therapist. This presence allows the child to experience and process his emotions in a healthy way, with the father acting as a model for regulation.

Highlights

A parent recounts an experience with their two-year-old son, Arier, during a hike, highlighting the importance of firmness in comforting a tired child.

The child's reaction to firm reassurance, which led to a change in behavior, is noted as a pivotal moment in understanding the child's needs.

The parent reflects on the use of firmness as a parenting tool, contrasting it with gentleness, and its effectiveness over time.

Arier's transition to preschool and the challenges faced, including separation anxiety and the parent's approach to handling it.

The parent's realization that firmness, not just gentleness, is required to help Arier adjust to new situations like preschool.

A detailed account of a bath time incident where firm physical guidance and verbal reassurance helped Arier self-regulate his emotions.

The parent's strategy of using physical touch and deep, grounding sounds to calm Arier during a nighttime episode of distress.

The importance of respect in parenting, as the parent respects Arier's ability to self-regulate and handles him accordingly.

The parent's role as a protector and the dichotomy between their capability for violence and the safety they provide for the family.

The concept of teaching self-control and respect through intentional and consistent parenting practices.

The parent's approach to allowing Arier to participate in household chores as a way to build responsibility and respect.

The parent discusses the book 'Hunt, Gather Parent' and its influence on their parenting philosophy of involving children in family tasks.

Arier's positive change in attitude towards preschool, indicating his growing sense of trust and self-control.

The parent's emphasis on the importance of intentional and consistent crafting of family dynamics and values.

The parent's observation of Arier's natural inclinations and skill sets, and the importance of nurturing them through respectful interaction.

The parent's reflection on the necessity of evaluating and adjusting parenting strategies based on the child's growth and development.

Transcripts

I had an

interesting experience uh so earlier

this week or last week as a

parent and so I have a he's two and

eight months arier uh two and eight

months year old boy and an eight-month

old boy uh Raz um and so about a almost

exactly a year ago so it was about a

year and a half a year and eight months

uh were hiking and he was in the hiking

backpack so you know the like deer um

you know backpacking bag that they just

changed into a child's seat so he was

sitting on my back he's pretty sleepy

and he started crying on the on the way

down we just hiked up and down a

mountain and he started crying and he

wasn't it was like a tired guy he wasn't

like really upset about anything he

wasn't hungry wasn't just tired and you

know it just kind of kept going and I

was he's right his head's right behind

my head

kind of gently saying it's okay arier

it's okay you'll be back soon you can

fall asleep you know that kind of

tone like really gentle and after

however many minutes I don't remember

how long this this went on I very firmly

said and it wasn't out of anger um I

just kind of had to feel like I wonder

like that's clearly not working um so I

very firmly said you know AR you're okay

and it wasn't angry it was just firm

like that and he like Snapped out of it

I couldn't see him but I could kind of

feel him do that like little head snap

and he stopped crying he was like he he

wasn't he was he was veral he wasn't

really speaking but like if he could

speak I would have heard he would have

said you know whoa okay thank you yeah

I'm okay you're right and so that was a

year ago and kind of that first the

Genesis of this experience of you know

firmness is really useful for him and

I've seen that you know couple other

times over the past

year and so this p two weeks ago he

started preschool for the first time

it's four hours a day uh Monday through

Friday um it's his first time you know

being away from from us he's with my

wife all day um and he's understandably

uh and unsurprisingly you know really

upset going very afraid uh very afraid

of you know Mama leaving him um and even

as he started to understand you know

okay mom's going to come back I know

that and and he learned that we talked

about it he's very verbal and even if he

wasn't I would still you know talk about

it to him

um but he started to learn to to trust a

little more and to feel a little little

bit safer in you know this different

Dynamic different

context however for the first week week

and a half uh in the evenings when he'd

come home he he'd also be very tired it

was a stimulating new day and also scary

you know mama left him yeah she came

back but still he he was very very whiny

which he wasn't really a whiny kid

before that it was really annoying

and sometimes I would speak out of anger

and that's my mistake I wasn't you know

I wasn't regulated myself uh and I don't

think it's a good thing um but you know

more often than not I am regulated I

have control over myself it takes effort

but I'm able to do it and not that I was

so consciously thinking back two year

ago in that experience hiking but I

realized I you know what he needs here

is firmness not the Gent he also needs

the gentl to know he's safe and to have

softness and also you

know there is a little bit of a

difference between or a significant

difference between my wife's Vibe and

demeanor with him and my vibe and

demeanor with him I can be very gentle

and all of that but it's a different

type of gentleness than my wife's

gentleness um but what he needs here is

is firmness and a

firm structure around him which I need

to provide and not only provide as me as

the container around him but to give him

the skill skills and the tools and the

container within himself to have that

self-control and that firmness and so

one night he'd been whining all day for

many days um and I had done a little bit

of the firmness beforehand but I was

going him a bath and he was you know was

about his bedtime so he was maybe a

little bit too tired I should have

probably done the bath half an hour

earlier um but he was really really

really upset and just kind of crying

without even really understanding what's

going on so the Paz was filling up the

bath and cleaning up the bathroom a

little bit and just doing last minute

you know getting his pajamas and

whatever out I just I started ignoring

him as he was saying I don't want to

take a bath I want to take a bath I

acknowledged it the first maybe two

times and then when it didn't change I I

stopped and just he just kind of hung

out around me whining as he got in the

bath he had a you know the Freak Out

took went up to another level and I very

uh firmly grabbed him by the shoulders

not in an aggress not in a in an angry

way but in a firm way kind of the way

you know with autistic children um like

a tight hug can be very regulating for

the nervous system not just autistic

children for humans um Straight Jackets

actually do that as well weighted

blankets like weighted therapy blankets

achieve that kind of Regulation that

just and just you know a hug from

someone does that so uh it wasn't a hug

per se but you know my hands are fairly

large and he's pretty small um put a

firm pressure on his you know shoulders

upper back held him firmly um again not

angrily um and looked him straight in

the eye and I said firmly arier you're

okay and had him you know make eye

contact with me and set it a couple of

times to kind of patch him and and get

him in my wavelength kind of out of his

own Loop of crying and into my firm

you're okay and that tone and that Vibe

kind of wavelength and I could see him

switch into it a little bit also a

little bit afraid but also he was afraid

anyway so willing to to be in my in my

wavelength and I said pull yourself

together which obviously is kind of a

complex uh linguistic combination for a

two and a halfy old a 2 and eight month

year old um and so he took it literally

and with his arms he kind of started

trying to pull himself together kind of

Crossing them in front of him and doing

the squeez thing whatever fine he's

engaging he's trying to do it so great

great that's really great I kept very

firmly saying you're okay you can do

this you're okay pull yourself together

you're okay just in that firm kind of

kepts him caught in my in my voice

basically and as he started doing this

more then I I put my two of my fingers

in his you know each of his palms which

is you know fills up his his palms and I

said squeeze really hard just because he

had a lot of uh energy was called up

kind of you know I don't know if it's

exactly the same in such a young person

but comparable to an adult's fight

flight response the energy called up for

that so you know squeeze really hard and

make like a sound as you do it and I

started making that sound with him as he

did it and he started doing it more it's

the first time I've ever done that and

and still you know keeping eye contact

with him for the most part as he was

doing it I saw him gain power and gained

some level of control over himself in

addition to trust of me and Trust of me

not because I'm was this

gentle um telling him everything's okay

type of person but trust in me because I

threw it back on him and I and I was

regulated myself right I wasn't being

angry I wasn't uh shouting at him I was

just providing that firmness that I

could catch him in that firmness and and

teach him that he actually could do it

himself and so he still you know he was

able to calm down and actually enjoyed

the bath for another whatever three

minutes then we have to wash his hair um

haven't cut his hair yet we won't until

he's three and so it's quite long and

it's you know have to comb it he doesn't

like it at all um so then started crying

again and same thing as he started

crying said you know you're okay you can

do this pull yourself together and he

was able to largely and call it

70% which is significant because he also

was learning that he could do it and

he's also two and a half and really

tired and taking a bath which he doesn't

really like to do so it's okay for him

to have you know not the best time so

fast forward you know he falls asleep in

2 minutes fast forward to let's say

midnight um and he wakes up he sleeps on

a little kind of toddler mattress next

to next to our bed um and when he wakes

up I'll either drop down to H if he

wakes up in at night usually Hees kicked

his blanket off or something I'll drop

down and if he falls asleep in a moment

he'll stay in his bed if not I'll just

pull him into our bed and he'll fall

asleep next to me and kind of as the I

guess the energy of you know the

freakout earlier wasn't fully expelled

um he just kind of started doing it half

asleep and just really whiny complaining

about the blanket complaining about his

uh teddy bear complaining just just just

just whining and I sleep I sleep with

mouth tape and I didn't want to take it

off um and also my wife and infant were

asleep in the bed as well so I didn't

want to be too loud either um and I

wasn't going to like reason with him at

midnight when he's in the middle of like

a week and a half long freak out more or

less so uh kind of I'm just following my

intuition largely here and again not

really out of anger I was definitely

angry and annoyed but I wasn't acting

out of it I wasn't that wasn't the

primary thing I was letting him know

that I was agitated um but more than

that and this was without words because

my mouth is is taped just so I breathe

through my nose I sleep better I feel

better when I wake up um I just I held

him again I I put him put him in the

blanket pulled him into my arms and held

him very tight at a certain point I

actually got on top of him not you like

kind of hovering over him but also with

enough pressure on him to have that same

sense of firmness without obviously

smothering or you know scaring him in

a uh in in like a dangerous sense um and

just almost started just like growling

at him in a very a very you know deep

kind of Rumble in my in my chest and and

lower throat growl and and same thing I

was able to catch him in that and really

I wasn't making him submit right I

wasn't trying to to show my my my

dominance or my

superiority I was trying to get him to

stop uh that just feedback loop of whiny

freakout which he doesn't like it's a

bad experience for him he clearly

doesn't like it um and he clearly likes

it it feels good for him and it's

obviously really important later in life

but also just in this moment I can tell

he he feels good when he's able to to

master himself to a certain degree when

he's able to take control and so he was

able to do that you at midnight in our

bed as I again kind of showed him how to

do it and I not that I I didn't force

him to do it um I couldn't force him to

do it um this wasn't out of anger this

was I was expressing it I was agitated

for sure but I was also just catching

him in that tone of firmness you know I

wasn't using words but I was telling him

through the the frequency through the

vibration of my being and my interaction

with them that you're okay you have to

pull yourself together you can pull

yourself together and that's just what

we're doing there's another

option um and also you know I would kiss

him on the forehead sometimes and I

would I would pull the tape off my mouth

for a moment and say you know I would

say you're okay I love you um you know

things like that words that he knows um

and I know that this worked for him and

helped him regulate himself because he

did calm down and his breathing pattern

changed and he started to breathe more

slowly and he started to mumble to me

and speak a little bit um and started to

repeat you know I'm okay I'm okay um and

then he fell asleep and he slept through

the night which you he often wakes up

not always but occasionally wake up and

he slept through the night after that

and the next morning he didn't cry for

the first time and it was the eighth day

maybe it was like a week and a half

let's say uh of going to preschool and

for the first time he didn't

cry so there was some learning that

happened some skill he he earned that he

gained of self- control and of

recognizing that he is safe and that his

emotions are actually something that he

can manage and work with and experience

without being overwhelmed by them it was

a really interesting experience for me

uh it was also interesting for my wife

because she was obviously awake I was

you know she said it sounded like I was

I was a wolf growling at my Cub uh and

obviously she she trusts me enough to

not intervene even though it sounds kind

of scary but she also heard arier she

heard our toddler and she heard him

calming down and she heard him relaxing

and she heard him fall asleep um and she

also you know she could hear my tone it

wasn't a threatening tone there was no

threat in it there was firmness there

was power in it and it's an interesting

concept and I was thinking about this

the other day you know especially as so

my family is as father as as the man of

the house

I am the protector right it's safe

inside of my house why is it safe inside

of my house because I protect it right

and I would protect it and at night you

know I have a knife in my nightstand and

I have a bat near my bed like I I have

the capability of danger of

violence and it's interesting because

that's actually what makes me safe the

fact that I have an extreme capability

for violence is what makes me safe for

my family because I know how to project

I I would know I will know I do know and

I would if necessary project that

violence outwards which creates a

container internally of safety and so

there's an interesting dichotomy there

right so usually you don't put violence

and safety in the same sentence but it's

actually my capability of violence my

cap my my power which can be destructive

which can be productive which you know

can be both

simultaneously um is actually what makes

me The Protector it's what make it's

what makes me safe and that's in a sense

what I was imparting to to AR to my

toddler is you know not only do I have

power and I will protect you and and you

know that and he does know that um but

also you have power also you have power

inside of yourself and you have access

to it you have capability to to access

it you can learn the skill of accessing

it the the energy of your freakout of

your whne right now if you get control

over it it feels really good not in some

megalomaniac type of way but in in a in

a control and connecting to

yourself and a balance and a regulation

type of way and so the only way I'm able

to do that to teach him that is because

I'm regulated right so if I was

disregulated if I was acting purely out

of anger I would trying I would my

actions would look more like trying to

control him uh you know stop whining

stop shouting go to sleep stop

complaining about the blanket it would

be this just very flimsy

basically the adult version of whining

myself but I didn't do that uh sometimes

I do that and it's just stupid and I

recognize it and I apologize afterwards

but what I did do was maintain my own

regulation and in a sense that's kind of

what at least one aspect

of good talk therapy is is I provide the

container as a therapist as the as a

grounded regulated person for the other

person to have their experience to talk

about

whatever traumatic event or it doesn't

have to be necessarily know capital T

trauma but to talk about whatever have

their experience and then via my own

regulation to to mirror me and to find

regulation themselves and there is an

element of gentleness to it but there's

also an element of firmness and you need

both um you need the combination of the

two so as I've thought about this more

and discussed it with my

wife basically you know over the past

two weeks since he started preschool and

the wine really increased and then you

know the response the eventual response

which I kind of figured out of the

firmness uh and teaching him his own you

know internal control and regulation

mechanisms um fundamental piece of it is

is actually

respect and I implicitly and in some

sense explicitly um but certainly

implicitly I'm telling him that I

respect him I respect him enough to

believe that he can that he is capable

of regulating himself that he is capable

of controlling himself that he is

capable of doing this thing which I'm uh

demanding of him I wouldn't demand it if

I didn't think he was capable of it that

would just that it would be stupid on my

part it would that would just be out of

anger that would just be aggressive and

that would be dangerous because if if if

my demand can't be met by him and it

isn't good for him then that is

dangerous it's a bad

thing so there's a real element of of

respect implicit and some I do make it

explicit in terms of telling like I know

you can do this I don't I haven't used

the word respect I think it's a little

bit too big for a toddler but now that

I'm thinking about it out loud maybe I

should um but I respect him enough to

believe that he can do it and to and to

show him how to do it and to be there

with him uh as he learns how to do it

and in a sense as I learn how to do it

as well and I'm already regulated I've

already spent a lot of time practicing

and and and working on that um but this

is also a learning curve for me he's my

first and it'll also I'm sure be

different with with you know my younger

son and God willing kids after that

um but another aspect of this not just

the respect in the moment of controlling

himself you know when we the first day

uh we brought him or my wife brought him

to preschool and he was hysterical he

was you know screaming bloody murder he

had Terror in his eyes because he for

the first time ever you know mama was

leaving him which is understandably

terrifying experience uh for a toddler

and we talked about it t night and and

he also cried a lot when when she picked

him up because he he he became okay

during during the first day but when she

went to pick him up he cried again when

he saw her just the emotion was

obviously still pent up and still there

and we spoke and you know my wife said

why why are we doing this to

him and what we concluded was and this

was the thought for signing him up as

well in addition to just you know giving

my wife a bit of a break and you know

socializing like he has a good time he

really loves it

um what we're doing and again this goes

into respect is we're teaching him and

we're helping him learn from his own

experience that we are very very

trustworthy as parents he can respect us

and our Authority and our decision-

making because we're not going to leave

him in a dangerous place and we trust

him enough and we respect him enough

that wherever we do choose to leave him

and whatever challenging situation we

put him in he can stand up to it right

and obviously we're very selective with

where we leave him we didn't just drop

him out a random person's house and say

Here's 50 bucks take care of him for the

week um but he doesn't know that and he

can't comprehend that and he his you

know uh framework of reality is not

sophisticated enough to even have those

thoughts it's just pure Terror and as he

learns to not to not just to cope with

it but to trust us and Trust himself

there is an implicit level of respect

which is garnered through that and which

is through that which you know he's only

two and a half right now but

that that this is setting the framework

this is setting the the base for our

family for how we're going to do things

as you know as they get older you know

right now he can't clean dishes but he

really likes helping he likes pretending

to clean dishes he likes standing at the

sink running the water for way too long

we always have to turn it off but you

know doing something which vaguely

resembles cleaning the dishes or loading

the dishwasher cuz that's what he sees

you know myself and my wife doing um and

so there's also you know this bleeds

into other areas CU when and what I've

started doing actually my wife and I are

both reading a really great book uh so

far it's pretty good um it's called hunt

gather parent I forget the name of the

author but I'm sure you could find it

based on the title um you know kids want

to help he always asks you know he

always says he wants to help he wants to

help me crack the eggs he wants to help

me stir it he wants to help me whatever

to literally do anything and so even

though he takes 10 minutes to you know

take one plate to put it in the

dishwasher and then he wants to

rearrange it and then he also wants to

run over there and do something

else I'm letting him do it and I'm

respecting him enough to say yeah you're

a valuable member of this group of this

team that is our

family with that membership with that

respect come certain responsibilities

and I respect you enough and I trust you

enough and I know you have the skills or

at least the capabil ility to develop

the skills to be not only a useful

member of this family and this team but

a but an integral and important um a

responsible and a cherished member of

this family not just because of you know

you're my son and I on some level will

love you no matter what probably even if

you know God forbid he really takes a

bad turn in life um but because of your

actions because of your behavior because

of who you are and how you are choosing

in a sense whatever level of choice

toddlers have and they do have actually

I think a significant level of choice um

you're choosing to show up in a way

which is in Partnership which is

in mutual respect and uh some very very

early semblance of

responsibility and all of that as he

develops into an adult as I you know

turn into an older adult um those have

to be intentionally done those have to

be thought about they have to be

reminded they have to be crafted in a

certain way otherwise things will very

easily go you know go Haywire um maybe

in other cultures or other epochs in

human history was just more ingrained I

don't know I don't care because it that

isn't how it is for us and for our

family this has to be kind of created

from not from scratch but definitely

very intentionally and with a constant

reminding of it and a constant crafting

of it and a constant evaluating not in a

hyper academic sense but in just a real

observing sense you know what are his

natural inclinations what are his skill

sets what's his growth Edge right now

and not that everything is about you

know Peak Performance competition but he

loves learning he loves getting that

control over himself now he loves going

to preschool this morning he asked to go

to preschool at 6:15 it doesn't start

till 9:00 a.m. whereas if preschool was

mentioned you know two days ago at 6:15

in the morning he'd start crying and

wouldn't stop crying until about 9:30

so there's an

obvious benefit to him