How to Lead Tough Conversations | Adar Cohen | TEDxKeene

Summary

The speaker shares insights from leading difficult conversations in high-stakes environments, such as Cook County Jail and Northern Ireland, emphasizing the transformative power of dialogue. By moving towards conflict, asking questions, and embracing silence, individuals can foster understanding and collaboration, leading to breakthroughs that change lives and communities.

Takeaways

• 🏛️ The speaker begins with a vivid description of visiting a maximum security jail, setting the stage for the importance of difficult conversations.
• 🗣️ The central theme is the transformative power of conversation, especially in challenging situations.
• 🔒 The speaker's personal experience in the jail highlights the discomfort and fear that can accompany difficult conversations, yet underscores the necessity of facing them.
• 🤝 The importance of addressing issues directly through conversation is emphasized, as avoiding them can lead to frustration, mistrust, and failed collaboration.
• 🌟 The speaker has a PhD in leading difficult conversations, lending credibility to the advice given.
• 📚 Three simple but powerful rules are offered for leading effective conversations: move towards conflict, pretend you don't know anything, and keep quiet to allow others to speak and think.
• 🚫 The aversion to conflict is natural, but it's also a barrier that must be overcome to uncover and solve underlying problems.
• 🤔 The act of asking questions and genuinely listening is a key to understanding different perspectives and fostering empathy.
• 😶 The value of silence in conversation is highlighted; it allows for reflection and can lead to breakthroughs.
• 🛡️ The speaker recounts specific examples from the Cook County Jail and Northern Ireland to illustrate how applying these rules can lead to significant positive outcomes.
• 🌱 The potential for transformation is present in every difficult conversation, whether it's in personal relationships, corporate settings, or post-conflict societies.
• 🌟 The script concludes with a call to action, encouraging the audience to initiate and lead the necessary conversations that can change the course of their future.

Q & A

What is the setting described at the beginning of the script?

The setting is the Cook County Jail in Chicago, Illinois, which is a maximum security jail and the largest in the country, described as a concrete maze the size of 72 football fields.

What items were taken from the speaker upon entering the jail?

The speaker's phone, keys, and a bag of almonds were taken as part of the security procedure.

Who are the two men the speaker finds herself in a room with at the jail?

The speaker is in a room with a gang leader and a corrections officer, both of whom are described as being the size of four of her.

What is the main purpose of the speaker's visit to the jail?

The speaker is there for a meeting, which is her first time visiting a jail, and she is there to lead a difficult conversation.

What does the speaker believe can change everything for a team or group?

The speaker believes that one conversation can change everything, especially if there is an issue holding the team or group back from accomplishing their goals.

What are the three simple rules the speaker suggests for leading effective conversations?

The three rules are: 1) Move toward the conflict, 2) Act as if you don't know anything and ask questions, 3) Keep quiet and allow silence to be a part of the conversation.

Why did the speaker's team convene stakeholders at the Cook County Jail?

The speaker's team convened stakeholders to address the challenges faced by inmates upon release, such as finding housing, employment, and education, and to prevent them from returning to jail.

What was the initial reaction of the stakeholders during the first meeting at the Cook County Jail?

The initial reaction was negative; the groups wouldn't sit next to or even look at each other, making the conversation very difficult.

How did the speaker apply the first rule, 'move toward the conflict', during the meeting with the corrections officer?

The speaker approached the corrections officer, who had been silent all morning, and directly asked him what she needed to do to get him to speak up in the meeting.

What was the turning point in the meeting at the Cook County Jail?

The turning point was when the corrections officer shared his feelings about his job, which led to others opening up and starting to collaborate.

What was the speaker's role in Northern Ireland during 'the Troubles'?

The speaker's role was to facilitate difficult conversations between Protestants and Catholics, Loyalists and Republicans, to help them move towards peace and understanding.

How did the speaker use the second rule, 'pretend you don't know anything', in Northern Ireland?

The speaker asked open-ended questions without offering her own commentary or ideas, allowing the participants to share their experiences and feelings.

What was the impact of the man from Somalia sharing his experience at the meeting in Northern Ireland?

His story brought about a deep silence and then a unified response of intolerance towards such acts, leading to a breakthrough in the discussions about tolerance, inclusion, and respect.

What did the speaker mean when she said 'Conversations create the future'?

The speaker meant that the way we communicate and engage in dialogue can shape our future, whether it's through resolving conflicts or building understanding and collaboration.

How does the speaker conclude her speech?

The speaker concludes by emphasizing the power of conversation, encouraging the audience to lead the necessary conversations by moving toward conflict, asking questions, and keeping quiet.