Is this your real personality? 5 Childhood Trauma Personalities
Summary
TLDRThe video script delves into the impact of childhood trauma on personality development, identifying five distinct trauma-based personalities: the Doer, the Hostile, the Darkness, the Ghost, and the 'Are We Good' people pleaser. It discusses the origins of these traits within the context of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses, and offers insights into how each personality can work towards authenticity and healing through therapy, group work, and self-awareness. The speaker emphasizes the importance of not shaming oneself for adaptive traits that ensured childhood survival and highlights the possibility of reclaiming one's true self through emotional risk-taking and support from safe communities.
Takeaways
- 🌟 The speaker discusses five distinct 'personalities' formed in response to childhood trauma, each with unique coping mechanisms and behaviors.
- 🏃♂️ 'The Doer' is characterized by high achievement and action as a means to avoid dealing with emotions, often stemming from chaotic or unsafe childhood environments.
- 🤬 'The Hostile' personality is rooted in the fight response, showing defensiveness or aggression, possibly as a result of growing up in a high-conflict family.
- 🌑 'The Darkness' embodies a sense of hopelessness and negativity, often struggling with decision-making and analysis paralysis, which may be a response to deep interpersonal trauma or betrayal.
- 👻 'The Ghost' represents a personality ruled by the freeze response, marked by inaction, avoidance, and emotional withdrawal, possibly due to severe neglect or overwhelming parental figures.
- 🤝 'The Are We Good' personality is focused on people-pleasing and ensuring harmony, often at the expense of their own needs and feelings, which may come from being overly attuned to a toxic or abusive parent.
- 🔄 The speaker emphasizes that these trauma-based personalities are not fixed and can change through therapy, self-awareness, and emotional risk-taking.
- 👶 The development of these personalities is linked to childhood experiences and the lack of a safe environment to develop one's authentic self.
- 👥 The speaker suggests that group therapy, with its principles of feedback and mirroring, can be particularly beneficial for individuals looking to overcome their trauma-based personality traits.
- 🤗 The importance of self-compassion and recognizing the adaptive nature of these personalities is highlighted, encouraging individuals not to shame themselves for their coping mechanisms.
- 🌱 The journey towards authenticity involves reconnecting with one's innate qualities and reclaiming the 'spark' that may have been buried due to childhood trauma.
Q & A
What is the main theme of the video script discussing?
-The main theme of the video script is exploring the impact of childhood trauma on the development of personality traits and how these trauma-based personalities can be addressed and healed.
What does the speaker describe as their childhood experience around the age of 3?
-The speaker describes their childhood experience around the age of 3 as being a 'ball of Good Times,' filled with laughter, fun, and loving energy.
How does the speaker characterize their emotional state at the age of 11?
-At the age of 11, the speaker characterizes their emotional state as struggling, with a diminished sense of fun-loving energy from their earlier years, and experiencing neglect from their family.
What is the significance of the 'faux silk shirt' in the script?
-The 'faux silk shirt' is used as a symbol of the speaker's struggle with their identity and the coping mechanisms they used during a difficult time in their life, reflecting the fashion trends of the early '90s.
What is the term used to describe the personality type that is high achieving and focused on work to avoid intimacy and feelings?
-The term used to describe this personality type is 'the Doer.'
What is the root of the 'Doer' personality according to the script?
-The 'Doer' personality is rooted in the flight response as a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with childhood trauma and emotions.
What are some characteristics of the 'Hostile' personality type?
-The 'Hostile' personality type is characterized by a knee-jerk reaction to perceived criticism, defensiveness, and a tendency to be argumentative, controlling, and dismissive of others' feelings.
How does the 'Darkness' personality type manifest according to the script?
-The 'Darkness' personality type manifests with a sense of hopelessness, negativity, and a tendency to avoid decision-making, often resulting in a defeatist attitude.
What is the 'Ghost' personality type and how does it differ from the others?
-The 'Ghost' personality type is characterized by inaction, avoidance, and a struggle to connect with others emotionally. It differs from the others in that it is rooted in the freeze response, often resulting in isolation and disconnection.
What is the 'Are We Good' personality type and its main struggle?
-The 'Are We Good' personality type is focused on people-pleasing and ensuring that they are acceptable to others. Its main struggle is giving away their power and lacking a sense of self due to a preoccupation with making sure they are not upsetting anyone.
What does the speaker suggest as a method for healing and becoming more authentic?
-The speaker suggests various methods for healing and becoming more authentic, including therapy, group work, processing childhood trauma, emotional risk-taking, and finding safe environments with other people for mirroring and feedback.
Outlines
😀 Early Years of Joy and Struggle
The speaker reflects on personal childhood photos, describing a transition from a joyful, energetic child to a period of emotional struggle during adolescence. They mention the impact of family issues like alcoholism, violence, and illness, which led to feelings of anxiety and shame. The speaker's identity was closely tied to being a musician, which provided a facade of authenticity. The narrative hints at a journey of self-discovery and the complex process of healing from childhood trauma.
🏃♂️ The 'Doer' Personality: Action as Evasion
This section delves into the 'Doer' personality type, characterized by a tendency to stay busy as a means to avoid confronting emotions, particularly those stemming from childhood. Doers are often high achievers and workaholics, driven by a fear of failure and intimacy. They are reactive, focusing on solving problems rather than processing feelings, which can lead to a disconnect from their emotional selves and others. The formation of this personality is linked to chaotic or unsafe childhood environments where achieving and doing served as coping mechanisms.
🤬 The 'Hostile' Persona: A Defense of Self
The 'Hostile' personality is explored as a coping mechanism rooted in the fight response, often developed in response to a high-conflict family environment or as a means of survival. Hostiles exhibit defensive behaviors, have a low tolerance for perceived criticism, and can be dismissive or controlling. They may struggle with attachment styles and have a tendency to be argumentative, which can create distance in relationships. The hostility is a learned behavior from a childhood marked by conflict, disappointment, or the need to protect oneself from emotional pain.
🌑 The 'Darkness' Personality: Embracing Negativity
The 'Darkness' personality is described as one that has internalized a sense of hopelessness and defeat, often characterized by a negative outlook and a struggle with decision-making. Individuals with this personality may exhibit a dark or emo vibe, be ruled by negativity, and have a hard time experiencing authentic joy. They may have a strong sense of shame or anxiety and take things intensely personal. The 'Darkness' is often a result of high levels of interpersonal trauma and betrayal during childhood, leading to a defensive embrace of darkness as a coping mechanism.
👻 The 'Ghost' Personality: Vanishing to Cope
The 'Ghost' personality is characterized by inaction, avoidance, and a struggle to connect with others emotionally. Ghosts may appear aloof, self-sufficient, or in need of rescue, often stemming from a childhood of significant neglect or an environment of overwhelming intensity. They may have been the family scapegoat or experienced severe loneliness, leading to a coping strategy of shutting down. In adulthood, this can manifest as social anxiety, difficulty in relationships, and a tendency to 'ghost' or disappear from social situations.
🤝 The 'Are We Good?' Personality: Seeking Approval
The 'Are We Good?' personality is focused on people-pleasing and ensuring harmony, often at the expense of their own needs and feelings. This type is typically associated with an anxious, preoccupied attachment style and a tendency to give away personal power in an attempt to maintain relationships. They may struggle with feelings of self-worth and autonomy, having been conditioned by childhood experiences that required them to be overly attuned to the needs of others, often at the hands of toxic or abusive parents.
🔄 Healing Trauma: Shifting from Adapted to Authentic
The speaker discusses the fluid nature of these adapted trauma personalities and how they can shift during the recovery process. They emphasize that these personalities are not fixed but are responses to childhood experiences. The journey towards authenticity involves recognizing and processing the original trauma, finding anger towards past abuses, and seeking support through therapy, group work, or community involvement. The goal is to move from a place of survival to one of genuine self-expression and connection.
🌟 Final Thoughts on Healing and Authenticity
In conclusion, the speaker offers final insights into the process of healing from childhood trauma and reclaiming one's authentic self. They highlight the importance of not shaming oneself for the adaptive traits that kept one safe during childhood and emphasize that change is possible through emotional risk-taking and the support of safe, understanding others. The speaker encourages viewers to seek out resources, support groups, and therapeutic environments to facilitate this healing process.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Childhood Trauma
💡Authentic Self
💡Fight, Flight, Freeze, Shame, Submit, Cry for Help
💡Doer
💡Hostile
💡Darkness
💡Ghost
💡Are We Good
💡Intimacy
💡Therapy
Highlights
The speaker shares their personal journey from childhood to adulthood, detailing the transformation of their personality due to various life experiences and traumas.
The concept of 'ball of good times' is introduced, describing a state of being happy and energetic, and how it was lost and later regained.
Childhood memories are discussed, including the impact of family dynamics and emotional neglect on the development of the speaker's personality.
The struggle with emotional anxiety and shame during adolescence is highlighted, showing the internal conflict of hiding one's true feelings.
The impact of home life issues such as alcoholism, violence, and illness on the speaker's mental state and identity formation is explored.
The role of music as a coping mechanism and its influence on the speaker's sense of self is discussed.
The speaker's experience with drugs and alcohol as a teenager and how it affected their emotional state is shared.
The idea of 'childhood trauma-based personalities' is introduced, explaining how early life experiences shape one's character.
Five distinct trauma-based personalities are outlined, each with unique traits and behaviors stemming from childhood experiences.
The 'Doer' personality type is described, characterized by high achievement and workaholism as a means to avoid emotional intimacy.
The 'Hostile' personality is detailed, illustrating a fight response to perceived criticism and a struggle with defensiveness.
The 'Darkness' personality type is explained, associated with feelings of hopelessness, negativity, and a struggle with decision-making.
The 'Ghost' personality is introduced, marked by avoidance and inaction, stemming from a freeze response to trauma.
The 'Are We Good' personality is described, focused on people-pleasing and an anxious preoccupation with maintaining harmony.
The importance of therapy and group work in addressing and healing from childhood trauma to develop a more authentic self is emphasized.
The speaker encourages finding anger towards past abusive experiences as a part of the healing process and moving towards authenticity.
The necessity of social support and community in the recovery process is highlighted, suggesting resources and further steps for those seeking change.
The video concludes with a message of hope and well-wishes, offering a positive outlook for individuals on a journey of self-discovery and healing.
Transcripts
check out this picture here is me
probably around maybe 3 years old and
I'm pretty much a ball of Good Times
kind of like how I am now um although it
took a lot of work to get back to being
a ball of good times I was the baby and
I remember laughing a lot having a lot
of fun having a lot of fun loving energy
and I don't remember everything from
three but I remember um just being off
thewall and kind of fun here I am at
about 11: another picture and here I'm
struggling emotionally not just being a
ginger in long sleeves on an Airfield in
the summer my family didn't really
believe in things like dressing
appropriately for the weather which is
pretty much a sign of neglect raise your
hand out there if you can relate to that
if we fast forward four years or so to
around maybe like seventh grade picture
day that funloving energy that you see
in the three-year-old pick is is
diminished and check out the faux silk
shirt via the '90s early '90s that time
in my life I remember being highly
anxious not in my body struggling with a
lot of shame but didn't quite really
know that couldn't really quite name
that and I knew something was off but I
was really doing my best to hide it my
home life was a mess with things like
alcoholism violence illness another 5
years down the road and this melancholic
dymia like a low-grade Depression had
set in that I also did my best trying to
hide I was described by my friends as
being very chill easygoing and they
weren't really aware of the mess that
was going on or the symptoms that was
going on underneath all this and my
whole identity was wrapped up in being a
musician which wasn't real authenticity
either but we all need something to
latch on to when we grow up without a
sense of self and I did a good job at
appearing chill very open very
accommodating my personality was funny
but also really down and dark I could
easily bring people down with some
negativity and I obsessed a lot about if
I had offended anyone and I could be
kind of reactive to that the the drugs
and alcohol that I started kind of
coping with all this stuff around the
age of 13 wasn't helping all this so why
am I saying all this well the point is
is how do we go from this to this later
in the video you'll hear a category of
each personality called isn't just this
the way that I am and that's what I
actually thought about around that time
too um and also how do we get back to
this you'll also want to stick around
for how to figure out maybe how to do
that which is pretty it's complex so I
believe we're born with this spark and
this personality and it's the role of
our caretakers to help that personality
come more and more to light as we
develop and I believe a healthy parent
helps shape what is already there and
sort of gets out of the way of the child
has enough sense to notice the child's
uniqueness and yes those who get this
from a parent are super fortunate um in
childhood trauma we can't really form a
healthy sense of self we can't really
develop in inate qualities when we're
born kind of into a vacuum meaning that
if a parent is abusive toxic not
interested in us and they're really off
we have to develop somehow around all
that that's what I mean about the vacuum
the vacuum is the absence of healthy
mirroring in the midst of it not being
safe to be ourselves really so and no
one's helping us become ourselves if you
struggle with the sense of self and I I
haven't met a childhood trauma Survivor
who hasn't yet it's because the real us
usually gets buried underneath what
happened to us in childhood if you grew
up in childhood trauma the real you is
under there it's under how you adapted
to what was going on around you and as a
side note we all still have that
personality that we're born with that
spark it just hasn't been in a safe
environment with safe people yet to be
able to kind of be developed and come
out I was able to get mine back in
therapy specifically a a childhood
trauma group where these personality and
all these issues could be discussed and
worked with so here is my take on five
childhood trauma based personalities and
how to work on them to become more
authentic and as you listen to each of
the five you probably might be a bit
confused about what I'm talking about
because it's really going to seem like
I'm talking about trauma responses what
is wild about all this is that trauma
personalities are really rooted in fight
flight freeze shame submit Cry for Help
um and it's in kind of all the responses
that you'll see here and it's kind of
difficult to separate the trauma
response from the personality because
they're so entwined so here goes keep
your focus on what causes these as
opposed to feeling down about yourself
or experiencing some shame if you
identify with one of the five you're
probably going to identify with a two
out of the five so let's dive into them
number one what I'm calling the doer got
to do something the doer has a
personality that is based upon taking
action as a way to avoid their feelings
or more specifically going back into
their childhood feelings here are some
behaviors and traits they can be very
high achieving focused on work they can
be highly workaholic as a strategy to
avoid intimacy into themselves they can
tend to want to nail experiences as
opposed to being present they want to
Ace the party they want to nail the
vacation they want to seize the day and
if they don't do those things they kind
of feel like they failed um they tend to
be reactive to situations in terms of
solving them up front they tend to skip
the the feelings of a situation the doer
doesn't dwell on being rear ended they
go right into business they sometimes
don't even dwell on being treated poorly
by other people they go into figuring
out the why instead of feeling what's
going on they can put a lot of energy
into doing things correctly or morally
correctly they can also greatly overdo
things um being a mess or making
mistakes is a doer Kryptonite as a a
therapy client they want to be the
perfect client they want to get an A in
therapy they also really hate the
ambiguity of the process of therapy like
for example when I'm doing an open group
and not like an agenda focused group The
doer going to struggle with that
initially because they don't know where
the parameters are they're not very
process oriented they they tend to think
about what their feelings are instead of
inherently knowing them which is a
common sign for childhood trauma across
the board it's not unlike the other four
that I'll discuss they can be quite
lovely and personable but difficult to
fully know they can be available yet
distant they can also be kind of freaked
out by high feeling people and probably
be a little bit annoyed by them um doers
can be also chaotic you know they don't
have to be so you know ducks in a row
they can kind of be very chaotic um it's
still doing it's still a reacting they
can be super functioning or they can be
super disorganized doers can be pretty
dissociative and rush into action but
they aren't aware that they're showing
really emotion so doers are surprised
when people reflect back to them that
you seem tense you seem intense you seem
tense and that's a shock to the doer the
doer trauma personality is rooted in the
flight response but that seems tricky as
someone who is who say addicted to
substances is also in the flight
response like what is the doer fleeing
from I believe the doer is escaping
being present uh for not knowing or not
wanting the mess of their own childhood
or their own emotions to come up they
can be addicted to action instead of
substances in this case but they can
also be addicted to substances if they
have dual things going on the doer has
never really had the safety and
encouragement to sit with their feelings
as well as to have a safe person sit
with them in their feelings which is
common for a lot of us how the doer
personality is formed in childhood
achieving and doing are amazing coping
strategies that kids come up with when
things are unsafe chaotic or their rais
in families of doers where no one really
knows how to do feelings like in a
tricky family picture a child living in
say violence or chaos or a highly
depressive shutdown parent as their
caretaker the doer is going to start to
clean the house and make lists of what
needs to be fixed fix mom's job for her
by getting up earlier and making my
siblings lunches so she doesn't get
violent again which is the kind of
thought process of a child doer a doer
can be the child of addicts and they can
do and try to achieve do well so they
never have to be stuck in that neglect
violence or chaos or just sadness um the
doer can be the child of a very rigid
religious or military family where
perfectionism or survival is pretty
sharp the doing can be modeled by doer
parents or kids can definitely come up
with this on their own how a doer will
struggle in intimacy doers are difficult
to do conflict with because they go
straight to the fix with no process the
doer has never again never really had
the safety or encouragement to sit with
feelings as well as have a safe person
sit with them in their feelings and
without knowing their feelings we can't
really fully know who we are um as well
as other things like the safety to be
who we are we should have had that as
kids if you're in a relationship with a
doer it means that you have to kind of
chase them to connect they approach
connection like the other things in
their lives as having something on the
to-do list um and maybe don't really
have a lot of patience for it or they
kind of do it try to do it perfectly or
something here's that thing about isn't
just this Who I Am the doer has this
fantasy like yeah I'll be more intimate
when I get these things done first just
be patient with me without knowing that
they're in this cycle of constantly
later for that the doer feels like this
is just their personality because they
just think they are an all business type
person or an all creativity kind of
person this is they're married to that
thing and they don't really need the
connection so much since they're
fulfilled by the doing when the doer is
actually often really lonely
um and kind of will find themselves life
going past them like they may have lost
decades in just this doing how to become
more real what can the doer do to become
more their authentic self getting the
doer in therapy to dip down into their
feelings instead of focusing on actions
would be a good part of some treatment
and I think like with all of these
getting the doer to dip down into their
feelings and Psychotherapy or in group
work or something like that would be a
good part of treatment to help them kind
of sink down into the feelings or
increase their window of tolerance for
some feelings or even kind of help the
doer kind of hit bottom with the doing
talking about it really kind of making
the coping strategy more real to them
interpersonal groups can help if they
are working if they are a working group
what I call a working group and get the
doer to relate in different ways away
from the fixing or the helping or or
taking over I'm not saying that they're
a people pleaser but they're agenda
focused for the doer therapists will
often struggle to get get them to dip
down into the grief feeling place but
the doer needs to kind of reclaim the
spectrum of their feelings and to
tolerate more they often have to spend
some time noticing the Myriad of ways
that they are instantly trying to skip
out of their feelings by they're doing
and they kind of have to buy into the
fact that the doing just keeps them kind
of separated from people just like in
childhood they can do the work if
they're willing to look at how childhood
set them up and they're also going to
have to be willing to have their
childhood become more real to them like
I mentioned for them to emotionally
process and reclaim so that's the doer
moving on to the second personality is
what I'm calling the Hostile Hey listen
to me the Hostile is someone who got
caught up and stuck in the fight
response that was either modeled for
them by their parents and like in a high
conflict family or it's what the child
had to come up with to adapt to their
environment to survive the Hostile
typically isn't hostile 24/7 but some
definitely can be some examples and some
qualities of the hostile hostiles can
have a knee-jerk reaction to perceived
criticism and get defensive or do
something called Jade justify argue
Defender explain in subtle ways even if
you agree with them they might have to
have the last kind of thought or the
last word to clarify you or or correct
you they can struggle with a dismissive
avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment
style some live in hostility like I
mentioned some get in their car hit a
big line at the drive-thru rage honk
just because of that and they live in
this kind of f my life kind of mode they
can be pretty miserable unfortunately
some can be quite chill until they're
really triggered usually by intimacy or
how others perceive him and then that
hostility comes out hostiles can keep
score even go to places of being
neurotic around things like WTF I bought
you a coffee 6 months ago what is this
you know hostiles can have control
issues this is how they can function in
intimacy they need to be right they can
be definitely aggressive and
argumentative which creates a lot lot of
distance a lot of separateness um they
can be really hard on people around
things like perfectionism or how people
show up for them in specific ways they
overly value telling it like it is I'm
sure we all have known someone like that
um hostiles can struggle with self-
boundaries around going there they can
easily go there with people they can
they are frequently fine with upsetting
Apple carts or go out of their way to do
so they can feel like this so they have
to and as a side note we're not talking
about narcissism here we're talking
about a cptsd response although it may
sound like it I was a hostile at one
point so hostiles can come across as
intense without knowing it part of their
dissociation or lack of healthy feedback
and mirroring they can often be that
scape coded kid and be rebelling against
the world or defending against never
tolerating being the problem again
relationally they don't know how not to
try to dominate for true instead of
being truly equal with someone with
mutual respect it's kind of foreign to
them
um hostiles are often paired with number
five which is what I'm calling the all
good that I'll get into later two
hostiles together generally doesn't
really work well but that can kind of
happen too and you might be thinking boy
gez what a insert swear word kind of
person but again I was a hostile at one
point and I definitely could be
described as a big juicy old swear word
at that time in my life and as an
interesting side note I became a hostile
after getting out of being sort of very
people pleasing when I started to do
some trauma work and then I had to work
on my rage and hostility that would come
out so these can be fluid depending on
where you're at in your recovery how
childhood set the Hostile up I often see
it mainly as being raised by other
hostiles like this is modeled and the
family is kind of miserable lives in
high conflict and that bizarrely becomes
normalized they can also be family
scapegoats like I mentioned or they can
be greatly let down by people a lot of
hostility is around don't let me down
kind of stuff when you really think
about it household that have intense
shouting volatile screaming going on
every day is really a sign of poor
mental health in the adults so of course
the hostility is going to get absorbed
sometimes the child can learn to easily
go to an anger place or an intense place
with people because that's just how
things are done hostiles can experience
culture shocks when they go to a
friend's house or maybe when they're of
age they move out and start dating
people or they're at their first job and
their hostility comes out and that new
environment or the new people are like
whoa you know that's usually a first
sign that to the trauma Survivor that
they've got something going on about
them that isn't quite appropriate um in
a lot of different places so some will
kind of double down all that and rebel
more because they're being triggered
back to their family system still
reacting to the family kind of fu fu
kind of stuff here are some other
childhood trauma causes for the Hostile
being say a child of immigrants where
they had to be The Interpreter or they
were really ashamed of their parents or
they were told that they were entitled
in the new culture versus the old
culture
being put into possible in situations
that weren't safe and they were really
let
down having parents not take any action
like getting a job or getting them out
of poverty and just having to sit with
the heaviness and weight of all that um
a child being raised in addiction
poverty high drama uh big one here is
having an emotionally immature parent
and the child had to become the parent
or become bossy frustration rage knowing
what the right thing is but not having
any adults to kind of like follow
through on that of course they're
hostile they definitely become hostile
because of being powerless or stuck
often messed with how hostiles struggle
in intimacy I often see hostiles like I
said create Distance by making their
Partners unsafe with their projections
they often need to be superior to their
partner which again creates more
distance hostiles might say things like
oh you didn't listen to me about the car
well you're cut off you should know
better you forgot something important to
me didn't you and you're such a mess f
it I'll do it if you can't handle it um
they can also be simply Det attached
from their intensity like with road rage
like you're driving with a hostile and
they're Road raging and you're freaked
out and they're like well it's just
Tuesday this is I'm just vibing this is
just me the Hostile has a relationship
fantasy that is like I would love it if
you would just listen to me and we just
have this one-way Street thing where I
give advice and you take the advice and
we would just be fine like that's their
relational kind of stance um isn't this
just how I am the Hostile can feel fixed
in that they're simply just an intense
and overly opinionated person and that's
it you know I'll debate anyone any I'll
fight anybody and I know that that
sounds extreme but my point is I don't
think hostiles were like this when they
were two or when they were one our
trauma conditioning runs really deep and
it gets compounded as we grow into
adults and yes it's very possible and
likely to have borne strong willed that
can definitely happen that happens all
the time but children can be strong
willed and still maintain kindness and
con connection with others my clients
who are hostiles in again including
myself are very capable of gradually
softening if they want that um they have
to see the hostility as a problem but
not so much if they don't see it as a
problem and embrace kind of more double
down on who they are which also happens
too unfortunately hostiles struggle to
want to be more chill but they're so
bothered by everything which really gets
exhausting how to become more real how
the Hostile can become more present and
authentic is doing work around softening
which paradoxically is exactly what the
be the abuse was about being labeled as
say weak or soft or something like that
not having any power so that feels like
kind of a no-o zone for them but
self-compassion that is taught by Safe
People helps soften a hostile whom they
respect and Trust what I mean by that is
a hostile usually deals with their
feelings from a hard anger place up
front and detaches from childhood grief
and sadness about say like in any of the
examples I gave earlier not having a
family connection with their parents who
are really limited and say in a survival
mode the Hostile would do well in a
group where they do their advice giving
or controlling things even in subtle
ways and are kind of checked and they
have to be kind of processed in a good
working group or talked about that the
other people don't really they want
something else from them they don't want
that general advice it's also beneficial
for the Hostile to get validation that
they spent their child kind of in a rage
and frustration and it's it was
appropriate back then but not so
appropriate now um then some learning
would have to take place about accepting
people as they are seeing the humanity
and others know how to be just with
somebody instead of you know giving
advice or being upset by giving the
advice all that's a big reversal there
letting people be themselves to make
their own mistakes and still be loving
towards them hostiles really struggle
with being loving um they might confuse
control for love and they lose the
humanity in others and can be ruled by
confirming those things about people see
I knew it kind of stuff chances are a
good therapist would want the Hostile to
step out of the addiction to anger and
upset uh the addiction to being kind of
self-righteous which is top tier sign
that we're triggered and learn to
reclaim some compassion some
self-compassion and love which was kind
of taken away from them or got wrecked
moving on to number three something that
I'm calling the darkness or what did I
do or what's the point the darkness
trauma personality is rooted in the Fawn
response as well as a bit of the freeze
response they tend to give off energy
that is feels like hopelessness kind of
lack of power defeatist and definitely
some negativity unlike the doer or the
Hostile the darkness often wrestles with
making decisions and avoiding out of
this kind of analysis paralysis kind of
stuff that happens to them here are some
examples and qualities of the Darkness
Darkness trauma personalities can be
pretty dark and take on even like an emo
Vibe or appearance that just simply
might be in line with their values I'm
not saying that's bad but I'm trying to
kind of give you an image about what is
happening for them inside they can often
struggle with a fearful avoidant
attachment style they can be ruled by
negativity and unfortunately can bring
others down with them while they point
out that things aren't as great as they
seem like you're looking at a beautiful
Whitewater River in the Grand Canyon or
something like that and they bring up
like oh it's probably not going to be
here in a thousand years like the other
personalities they struggle to feel
authentic joy and the Darkness is often
ruled by an intense shame or some
anxiety the darkness takes things
intensely personal real or imagined the
darkness reminds me of the Nirvana line
I miss the comfort of being sad we can
be comforted in that kind of vibe or
that sadness like the other trauma
personalities so Darkness doesn't have
to be in that 24/7 although they can be
they can be also be quite quite funny
and quite engaging the darkness often
has this marked acute negative
self-image that they can drain other
people with and they're usually not
aware of that coming back to that vacuum
that I mentioned earlier they might have
a strategy to downplay themselves or
insult themselves to beat others to the
punch kind of do it for them in a way
they can have a strong fixed rigid
belief system that keeps them stuck and
doesn't serve them negativity rigidity
and hard living can kind of be that Vibe
they can very much s punish they can
really be knocked out in decision making
for the struggles they have with being
good enough or what people might think
about them the darkness can have a
highly moralistic kindness to them which
again isn't bad but they might destroy
themselves to say save a goldfish or
something like that which is actually
kind of endearing uh but it's still a
trauma response rooted in poor self-care
here's how childhood trauma set up the
darkness for this personality the
darkness usually experiences High levels
of interpersonal trauma and betrayal
growing up um the best way to look at
the darkness trauma personality like the
others perhaps maybe they're just more
visible is having really an open broken
heart if that makes sense they're
definitely heartbroken maybe the
darkness is just more out with it than
the other personalities the darkness
could have experienced a lot of contempt
from a toxic parent and it could become
really intensely clear that things
weren't going to be sane or loving or or
become safe or loved and or even
respected so they did the right thing
and they embraced the kind of Darkness
as a way as a good kind of defense
mechanism kind of a giving up it's a
weird kind of a thing about how giving
up can kind of like get somebody through
a horrific situation and they might say
if I'm not going to be lovable or safe
I'm just going to embrace what I'm
experiencing so it's not that bad so the
abuse becomes more kind of poetic to
them sadly which is kind of a good
strategy they're kind of externalizing
it other possibilities is growing up
where nothing really worked having a
hopeless parent who modeled the same
kind of vibe or severe neglect how the
darkness personality would struggle in
intimacy the darkness will struggle with
how to know how to relate without being
negative they don't really know another
way to express themselves because
positivity might feel lame foreign or
fake or
inauthentic um they can they will really
struggle with positivity which which I
also did too and I get that they can
create
by presenting themselves as being too
messed up or too complicated for the
other person to handle they can also say
Point Blank at the beginning like you're
going to get sick of me and leave me
which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy
the darkness has a relationship fantasy
that's like I would love it if you could
just agree with me that nothing works
and you really really get that what I'm
saying and value me for that truth
expecting love kind of by being dark or
thinking being dark is sort of love
lovable and it's it's a little bit
tricky to articulate a good therapist
would want the darkness to be able to
start processing that it really was dark
growing up but the present is different
and they can maybe deal with that
together and also to kind of chill out a
a little bit or find a way to kind of it
sounds judgmental but to kind of lighten
up or lighten up their spark become more
alive again it's not judgmental chances
are other people in the darkness' life
kind of want them for that too and
coming to isn't this just who I am um
again like the others um this is so
ingrained in their trauma conditioning
given what happened to them but I don't
believe that when they were two they
were really this dark um they weren't as
a 2-year-old they weren't sort of saying
you can't handle me I'm such a mess like
with all of these I'm not suggesting the
authentic personality to be reclaimed is
going to be a total 180 like to become a
different person that would be silly it
doesn't mean you're not going to not
like dark things or dark themes it's
just you can do other things too you
know the darkness is just able to see
that things actually do work or that
people do want them in their lives and
do enjoy them rather than feel like they
have to be down in a hole with you or
something like that how the darkness can
become more real a goal to be able to be
around others or be in intimacy and be
free in that and clear from the
negativity as well as the neurotic
discomfort I know that that's a huge
order but it takes time over kind of a
long process just like with the other
personalities the darkness really needs
to deal with the original dark things
that happened to them and hopefully get
the opportunity to mend that broken
heart they also have to decide if they
really value the darkness kind of energy
that they give off they have to learn
also how to be with themselves and
others without the safety of wanting to
point out how bad things are or how
negative things are going to be um and
don't take this as I hate this stuff
just go be positive that's kind of
obnoxious doesn't really work but again
processing how the heart got broken with
a capable healer noticing how the
present is different is going to be
helpful depending on the resources that
are available to you becoming authentic
like all the others requires
conversations with people like real
risk-taking intimacy and talking about
what happened to you or what it was like
with a sane self safe person a good
interpersonal group can really help the
darkness see that it creates more
distance and that it frustrates and
affects other people that their
negativity kind of does that or that
they may lose connection with the
darkness based upon because they're
already sort of walk walking out of the
room while still being present because
they're like removing themselves from
the intimacy moving on to the fourth
trauma personality what I'm calling the
ghost or how do I get out of here the
ghost is a trauma personality ruled by
the free response and they struggle with
a lot of inaction and avoidant behaviors
if you've ever heard of the Irish
goodbye it's a good window into the
ghost like the other personalities there
can be varying degrees of ghostin
depending on what is going on for the
ghost some living at 24/7 and some don't
here are some qualities and
characteristics ghost trauma
personalities can be hard to know they
can be very much there as a consistent
co-worker or team member or teammate or
something but knowing them emotionally
is hard to to a non-existent level
somewh kind of like the doer ghosts are
often ruled by a dismissive avoidant
attachment style doesn't have to be just
that one ghosts come across as kind of
aloof or self-sufficient or even kind of
needing rescue at times they can feel
greatly blocked in knowing how to
connect with others from moment to
moment it can often be very readable to
others that the ghost would rather not
be present with them and they want to be
doing something else um often identified
as introverts which is all fine and good
I think we all need some kind of time
alone but ghosts consistently stay
inside themselves it's a bit different
ghosts can be childhood scapegoats who
have shut down and don't want to infect
others with their scapegoat qualities um
and experience it all over again so they
kind of hide the ghost can really want
connection at times they can sign up for
things and start friendships or
relationships and then there might be an
Abrupt exit or hiding like they're in it
and then they're out of there maybe
ghost can be overwhelmed by people as
isolation is a common coping mechanism
ghost can really struggle with social
anxiety ghosts can seem fine when you
really don't know what's going on with
them and then all of a sudden they send
you a text about how you hurt them comes
out of the blue they're capable of that
as well they can have a bit of sporadic
hostility because they really don't know
how to bring things up until unless they
bottle and blow kind of a thing ghosts
can be very hurt in that it takes a lot
of energy for them to be part of
something and then they can get greatly
hurt when they get feedback that they're
too quiet um they can want others to
read their mind so they don't really
have to express themselves at times a
ghost can be incredibly stuck and unable
to take care of something in and a ghost
can also be sort of charming and and
sort of present to a superficial level
but you don't they don't there's not
much more than that here's how childhood
set up the ghost some possibilities it
can very much like the others be learned
from having a shutdown or a ghostlike
parent or avoidant parents um can be
from significant neglect where there
really wasn't any joyful kind of
connection in the early years um and
then having to go through like a very
lonely quiet childhood where no one was
home they're they're kind of not
socialized maybe in that way on a deep
level if you picture a severely
neglected child who gets themselves up
and fed and out to school in the morning
um and then they're alone again when
they come home from school until 9:00
and when a parent comes home um and then
it's like 10: there's a lot of alone
time that's a lot of having to shut down
from minute minute you know what I mean
that's actually very dissociative
experience for a child um a kid will
have to find ways to cope um with that
kind of Abandonment on a daily level and
another possibility is being overwhelmed
by a larger than life kind of energy
vampire parent or that there was so much
intensity from violence or chaos that
the ghost rightfully kind of shut down
this is also highly common a side note
regarding coping strategies like the
Hostile fighting the family or fighting
opinion or fighting other people is just
as Noble as a strategy growing up as it
is to shut down there's really no better
or worse it's all a setup later for
problems in authenticity in in in
adulthood how the ghost personality
struggles in intimacy sadly the ghost
can go numb or even mute in intimacy and
not be able to do any kind of connection
really around conflict which leaves the
other person really stuck when not
without knowing what to kind of do
because they kind of like they don't
really have much to work with there the
ghost can also avoid relationships and
they think they really don't need them
um they can be single for a long time
they can be perpetually dating and not
really be in a relationship too ghost
can really hied and their partner May
interpret that wrongly as dishonesty or
secrecy which I see a lot in the past
when I've done coup's work um it's often
just shutting down but not living really
a separate life which might it might
feel like but I'm also not saying they
can't hide things or be secretive it
just kind of really feels like that to
the partner um I'm saying it's possible
as well ghost might be the hardest to
get in therapy and stay in therapy and I
see it as their freeze tolight response
where they need to go back to their
apartment and kind of recover from
people in short in order to do intimacy
work and to be good we have to be able
to know each other actually um the ghost
has this intimacy fantasy like can't we
just love each other and exist without
talking too much or bringing anything up
that's kind of like how they want things
to be isn't this just who I am a ghost
is definitely going to believe that they
are fixed in that personality and yes
again we can be born introverted no
problem but introverts are also capable
of intimacy I don't believe that we're
born to want to avoid connection when we
really think about it biologically as
babies and toddlers connection is
crucial and we seek it out for survival
it can feel so it really tells you what
that child went through it can feel
impossible to change these trauma
personalities but that's not true but
ghosts can definitely ghost because they
kind of ghost themselves because of what
happened how to become more real I think
the first step for the ghost is to
really buy into the fact that it doesn't
help them in what they want and that
what is missing is actually connection
and getting them to buy into that is
tricky um all of these trauma
personalities know in a deep tiny secret
place that there's got to be something
more um and they're right about that
ghosts can be tricky for therapists who
want to go into processing places or
places of depth which is actually what
the ghost they came in for but they
struggle kind of going there they're
going to need a lot of help with that in
groups that are say effective and
interpersonal working groups it's
helpful for the ghost to hear from other
members that they don't really know them
ghosts can think that just showing up is
good enough to be known and it's kind of
a shock to them um ghosts will benefit
from hearing from others working on
themselves that they want to know them
more and they want them to take some
small risk becoming real by actually
saying what is on their mind even it's
like I don't want to be here my inner
child just wants to be home alone that's
something a good therapist would want
the ghost to be able to get to a place
in their work to kind of open up to
express themselves to be more kind of
learn how to be expressive and say
what's kind of on their mind and not
easily leave the conversation or Le
easily leave relationships coming to the
fifth trauma personality is something
that I'm calling the are we good or are
we okay the are we good is a people
pleasing focused personality that is
rooted in the Fawn response they are
often associated with an anxious
preoccupied attachment style like
constantly making sure things are okay
with with a partner and kind of
defaulting to their partner to be
tolerated the are we good personality
will tend to give away all of their
power they don't know that they have the
right to some of their power and they
will struggle in their sense of self
because their main way to be in the
world as a kid and probably still in the
present is making sure that they're not
upsetting anybody and that they're good
with other people and that they're
tolerated by other people um like also
with the Hostile and the doer they tend
to skip their feelings and go right to
fixing problem s the are we good will
try to please someone who is treating
them poorly instead of being in the
feelings or knowing that they're
entitled to being upset and again this
isn't a 24/7 thing although it kind of
can be here are some qualities and
characteristics the are we good as a
client tends to not want to burden the
therapist with anything with their
problems with their story and they want
to try to be perfect and be very easing
to the therapist and the therapist could
be thinking like who's treating who here
um they are often r rued by codependency
abandoning themselves to keep
connections going even if they're
horrifically bad connections and unable
to be real for fear of consequences they
will often come across as having rosec
colored glasses I'm sure you're familiar
with some of this stuff giving everybody
a break Positive Vibes and they will
tend to cope with a lot of optimism and
none of that is really real though um
the are we Goods have a lot of
unnecessary checking in with you like
I'm sorry what I said in that text two
months ago and the other person is like
what text what I don't you know um lot
of checking they will spend a lot of
time thinking if they've upset anybody
they will spend a lot of time providing
or doing for others they're often hyp
sensitive to criticism which is kind of
their Kryptonite but they don't really
know that they have the option to not
agree or push back a little bit which is
actually that's taking a risk that's
being more authentic feedback tends to
wreck the are we good the are we good
will have a tendency to have
relationships or date hostiles
I'm not making this up it's a very it's
just a marked pattern with this stuff
you might think of your parents as both
of those things um because it's a very
common presentation the r we Goods can
assimilate into people's lives for want
of being kind of adopted and to be
accepted they can also have a very good
chameleon ability to blend with
different groups they will not initiate
conflict in any way and they tend to
avoid potential tension at all cost um
all Goods when in Conflict usually take
it like a sentencing Tri for their
crimes when they are in Conflict they
tend to take it like they're being
sentenced to jail like they really can
go to a shame place about something that
they did rather than not even knowing
that someone might be projecting on them
the ARB good can have a lot of magical
thinking in that they don't really
recognize abuse up front and they will
sort of have to take some time to learn
that what their partner or what their
parent doing to them is really abusive
they don't really have a concept of that
like kind of like with the others though
are we good will have a marked tendency
to chase relief in relationships they're
really relieved that you text them back
they're really relieved that your mood
changed and they don't really recognize
that they're kind of in a cycle of kind
of chasing that kind of stuff or they're
maybe with somebody who's very moody
weaponizing their mood how childhood
sets up the are we good the are we good
usually were overly in tune with a toxic
or addicted or abusive parent struggling
with their mental health or a highly
abusive narcissistic parent uh where the
chasing okayness was kind of part of the
daily life they were often directly told
that they were the problem or the cause
of things because of the neglect or
abusive parenting assumed that they were
the problem many kids start to blame
themselves as a strategy like I'm bad
because I can't fix Dad I can't make
them happy I'm bad because I can't solve
their marriage I'm bad because they
don't come home I'm bad because I should
have a job and I'm eight years old I'm
bad because I got it wrong again and
this is in the face of really horrific
daily emotional abuse from a mentally
off parent usually by adolescence or
High School the are we good is ruled by
being compliant or thinking of others as
emotionally having to navigate kind of
an abusive mind field that started very
early at home and kind of becomes their
worldview other possibilities neglect
shame based families chaos tragic
parents where the child is highly
attuned to the parents pain instead of
being protected from that pain here's
how the are we good struggles in
intimacy the are we good is typically
paired with a partner that can kind of
get exhausted by the constant checking
in the chasing chasing okayness like the
doer the are we good will just want
issues to quickly resolve because
conflict is the worst thing to them
because that's where they start to feel
the inside childood trauma perhaps the
hardest thing for the are we good is
that they only know how to relate or be
present from a place of providing care
or focusing on another person being the
focus to them is pretty awful and they
usually interpret it as being in trouble
or being shameful being in a
relationship with an all good if the
person is healthy feels disconnected and
a bit lonely because the loveliness from
the are we good doesn't feel right
because it's actually really not real
it's coming from a place of trauma the
constant checking in to see if that
you're okay can also be kind of crazy
making like I mentioned we can
unfortunately lose respect for the are
we good because they struggle with
having no no self-respect the are we
Goods fantasy in a relationship is I
just want to know if I'm finally
acceptable to you if that's okay for you
isn't this just who I am the are we good
like the others they are so conditioned
in a knee-jerk strategy of being
tolerated and helping that they lose a
sense of self they lose their likes they
lose their autonomy they lose their
personhood in that and while being
caring and kind are noble there's
definitely worse things to be in the
world it's not coming from an
open-heartedness place it's coming from
a place of fear and anxiety and being
wounded there's a paradox for the r we
good when you really think about it how
hard is it to not be pissed off by other
people on the planet to be just
frustrated or annoyed with a partner or
your dog or the neighbor or something
like that think of all the energy it
takes to not be upset by anything and
that's the are we good because they're
so focused on being lovable or tolerated
in the world how to become more real for
the are we good 12-step programs like
alanon or Cota or acoa are great places
to start and to learn about this kind of
strategy that they have the trauma
response and look for how they operate
there's a great thing in acoa called the
laundry list and there's an alternative
laundry list highly suggest that I'll
actually put a link in the video in
therapy with a good therapist there
would hopefully be some encouragement
about how to dip down into those
childhood trauma feelings or simply be
taking more risks to talk about what is
it like to not take care of the
therapist what is it like to be the
focus group therapy is again excellent
for all these if it's the right fit if
it's a working interpersonal group where
the peers help each other kind of dig
down and go more into authenticity and
actually kind of say to the are we good
that it's triggering to be taken care of
by someone it's actually kind of
annoying to be on the receiving end of
that and that's just it's not judgment
it's just kind of how it is and I'm sure
that someone who struggles with that
people pleasing would understand that
too they don't like it either also
getting healthy feedback from how the
group sees us is that missing mirroring
that we didn't get kind of growing up in
a vacuum in a good therapist wants the
are we good to start to kind of get more
pissed off that they are asked to do
more at work to get pissed off in their
relationship that it's a bit one-sided
to get pissed off with their friends
that again it's one-sided because that's
what they're kind of known for and to
start to get angry about how they were
set up for these kind of behaviors so
here are some final thoughts yes many of
these can overlap but really not in a
myriad of endless ways primarily you're
going to be one of the five a primary
and then you'll probably have a
secondary like in the beginning of the
video describing myself it was I was
essentially describing I was in are we
good with the backup of kind of the
darkness so you could if you're into
astrology you could think about it like
a moon sign and a sun sign speaking to
that here are some examples this is just
what I see from my clients hostiles can
have touchers of doers in them or
Darkness to them but they don't really
go underground or isolate consistently
like a ghost um the rwe goods can have
touches of doers in them and in minor
ways they can also have touches of ghost
in them all goods are never really
hostiles those two things don't really
kind of go together I in my mind I think
the darkness can have touches of
hostility and ghost so and again some of
these are fluid depending on where you
are in your recovery in treatment you
know a Darkness can shift into an all
good as a direct opposite just trying to
balance and find that sense of self in
my case like I mentioned till I got into
therapy I gradually kind of became a
hostile when I got in touch with some
anger and in healing childhood trauma we
can shift into the Opposites before we
come to Center and really kind of find
um who we were that original spark that
I mentioned in the beginning of the
video for treatment of all of these I
would encourage any of these
personalities to become more real about
their childhood and find some anger
about what happened to them and hold
abusive parents accountable like you
were sort of set up to both kind of
adapt this personality and kind of miss
out UND developing what you were sort of
born with and to become more real about
what it was like growing up is also part
of that it's the beginnings of becoming
more of a real person and I really want
to stress that we come up with these
things in a vacuum that we can't fully
change and become more of our authentic
self still in a vacuum I think we really
need other people as much as you maybe
not want to hear that like in a good
group or something like that to get the
feedback and the mirroring with a good
therapist if you can find one you know
if that's available to you to get a
sense of what I mean about what happens
in a group in the description I'll put
Vin yam's his main group therapy
principles irin yum I love him he's
really this kind of Titan of psychology
he's really the one that really
formulated group Psychotherapy and he
has these beautiful 11 principles of how
group can be helpful coming back to our
authenticity it's like his whole goal
and if therapy or group Psychotherapy is
not a resource for you or you're kind of
not ready for that kind of thing I
totally get it a good place to start is
my monthly healing Community where
there's resources live q&as and
coursework to do it's a good place to
start to kind of get your feet wet and
sort of recovery and along with other
things like 12st step like I mentioned
acoa Koda TW people are going to have
issues with 12st step I get it but they
are good places that are sort of free to
kind of get the ball rolling and be kind
of more social or find other likemind
people please know two things lastly we
came up with this personality as a way
to survive and adapt to what was going
on with us without getting any healthy
developmental pieces that helps a child
Embrace who they are try not to shame
yourself for something that kept you
safe or feel judged by me in any of this
video the other thing I want you to know
is that these personalities finding our
real personality is fixable and it's
done through realness it's done through
emotional risk-taking and again it's
done with other sort of safe people we
kind of need that mirroring um a lot of
beautiful work can happen there so you
can consider joining the community that
I mentioned the link is right up here
please consider liking subscribing
sharing all that happy stuff there is a
patreon if you would like to support the
channel um you can also check out my
website for any resources that you might
be looking for like assessments or free
resources and as always may you be
filled with loving kindness may you be
well may you be peaceful and at ease
and may you be joyous and I will see you
next
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