How To Get Over That One Person (the one you never dated)

Summary

This video delves into the concept of emotional attraction and how past trauma can shape our relationships. The speaker explores how individuals may unknowingly become attracted to emotionally unavailable partners due to familiarity with chaos and stress, often stemming from childhood. They discuss the importance of seeking calm, steady love over intense, chaotic attraction, emphasizing that true love involves healthy communication, similar future goals, and a genuine desire to be in a relationship. The video encourages viewers to break free from trauma-induced patterns and embrace healthier, more stable connections.

Takeaways

• 😀 Trauma can lead to being attracted to emotionally unavailable people, as their behavior may resemble past chaotic or unhealthy relationships.
• 😀 True love is calm, steady, and mutual, not intense or anxiety-inducing. Intense attraction often signals a trauma response rather than real connection.
• 😀 Limerence, or obsessive attraction, is a mistaken form of love that is more about emotional need than genuine affection.
• 😀 Healthy relationships are built on good communication, shared future goals, and the desire to be together, not on intense emotional highs.
• 😀 If you've experienced past trauma or unhealthy relationships, your body may be drawn to relationships that feel familiar, even if they are unhealthy.
• 😀 Intensity in attraction often triggers your nervous system and may lead to an unhealthy cycle of rejection and emotional pain.
• 😀 It’s important to seek out calmness in a relationship rather than excitement, as calmness signifies a healthier, more stable connection.
• 😀 The best relationships are those where you feel safe, comfortable, and can be yourself without fear of rejection or judgment.
• 😀 The key to knowing someone is being with them long enough to understand them, as you don't truly know someone until you've experienced at least a year with them.
• 😀 Healing from toxic attraction patterns requires shifting your focus from excitement-driven attraction to seeking stability and emotional safety in your relationships.

Q & A

Why do people often get attracted to emotionally unavailable individuals?

People may be drawn to emotionally unavailable individuals because their nervous system is conditioned to seek stress or chaos, often due to past trauma. This creates a subconscious connection to situations that mimic the emotional dynamics they experienced earlier in life, leading them to associate stress with love.

What is the difference between attraction and love according to the speaker?

Attraction, especially intense attraction without knowing someone, is often mistaken for love. The speaker emphasizes that love involves knowing and understanding someone deeply, while intense attraction is more about obsession and the emotional highs that can be linked to stress or trauma.

How does past trauma influence current romantic relationships?

Past trauma, especially from childhood or abusive relationships, can condition the brain to seek out partners who mirror the emotional chaos experienced in the past. This leads to a cycle where individuals may consistently choose emotionally unavailable or unhealthy partners.

What is the speaker’s definition of healthy love?

Healthy love, according to the speaker, is based on calmness, stability, and mutual respect. It involves consistent communication, similar goals for the future, and a genuine desire to be with each other. Healthy love does not rely on emotional intensity or chaos.

What role does communication play in a healthy relationship?

Communication is essential in a healthy relationship. The speaker emphasizes that constant, efficient communication—without yelling or fighting—is necessary for building trust, resolving issues, and ensuring both partners feel understood and supported.

What does the speaker mean by saying, 'You are in love with the idea of them, not love'?

The speaker is pointing out that intense attraction towards someone you don’t truly know is not real love. Instead, it’s a projection of an idealized image or fantasy of that person, which is often based on emotional triggers or unmet needs rather than true connection.

Why does the speaker suggest avoiding intense attraction in relationships?

Intense attraction, particularly when it leads to anxiety, chaos, and emotional highs, is often a sign of unhealthy patterns. The speaker advises looking for partners who provide calmness and emotional stability rather than those who induce constant emotional turbulence, which can be a trauma response.

What three factors does the speaker believe are essential for love to develop in a relationship?

The speaker identifies three key factors for love to develop: (1) constant and efficient communication, (2) similar goals and future plans, and (3) a genuine desire to be in a relationship. Without these elements, the connection may not be strong enough for love to truly blossom.

What is 'limerence' and why is it important in understanding attraction?

Limerence refers to the state of intense, obsessive attraction to someone, often without fully knowing or understanding them. The speaker warns that limerence is often mistaken for love but is more about emotional highs and unfulfilled needs from past trauma. Recognizing limerence is key to understanding unhealthy attraction.

How does the speaker differentiate between love and obsession?

The speaker explains that love is about a deep connection, mutual respect, and calmness, while obsession involves emotional highs and lows, where the individual is more attached to the idea of the person or the excitement they feel, rather than the reality of the relationship.