Stripping Down the Hookup Culture: The Need for Emotional Visibility | Erin Miller | TEDxQueensU
Summary
TLDRThe speaker explores the paradox of online dating, where despite the ease of connection, true intimacy is elusive. Highlighting the rise of hookup culture and the decline of traditional dating, they discuss the impact of technology and social media on relationships. Emphasizing the importance of vulnerability and presence in fostering deep connections, the talk calls for a cultural shift towards authentic intimacy, especially among younger generations, and the need for education on emotional literacy and communication.
Takeaways
- 💡 Online dating is a popular and growing industry, with 49 million singles participating and contributing to a $1.8 billion annual market.
- 🚀 The script highlights the excitement and risks of online dating, including the potential for misrepresentation and inappropriate exchanges.
- 🔍 There's a cultural shift towards casual dating, with apps like Tinder contributing to a 'hookup culture' that lacks deep emotional connection.
- 📉 The divorce rate in the U.S. and Canada is alarmingly high at 52%, and there's a trend of young people marrying later or not at all.
- 👶 The importance of being present and showing up in relationships is emphasized, with a personal anecdote about the speaker's mother's advice on the cruelty of ignoring others.
- 📚 The script suggests that the digital age is enabling a hookup culture that is devoid of intimacy, impacting the way people connect and relate to each other.
- 💔 It points out that empathy, vulnerability, and compassion are not being exercised in relationships, leading to a lack of deep connections.
- 🌐 The speaker discusses the impact of social media and technology on youth, noting that American children interact with devices from a young age and spend significant time on social media.
- 📉 The rise of casual sex and hookup culture is linked to psychological issues such as increased depression, anxiety, and lowered self-esteem.
- 🌟 The potential of post-millennials (Generation Z) to embrace individual uniqueness and differences is highlighted, suggesting they could lead towards a more emotionally literate society.
- 🛑 The script calls for a change in the current social climate, advocating for models of authentic intimacy and the importance of teaching emotional literacy and communication skills.
Q & A
What is the general sentiment towards online dating at the beginning of the script?
-The script starts with a light-hearted and somewhat excited tone about online dating, suggesting that it's a common and initially exciting experience for many people.
Why does the speaker mention the term 'psychopath' or 'Craigslist killer' in the context of online dating?
-The speaker uses these terms to humorously illustrate the potential risks and red flags one might encounter while dating online, emphasizing the importance of being cautious when interacting with strangers.
What is the significance of the phrase 'white picket fence and 2.5 kids' in the script?
-This phrase is a cultural symbol representing the idealized American dream of a happy family life. The speaker uses it to express the initial optimism and romanticized expectations that can come with online dating.
How many singles have reportedly tried online dating, according to the script?
-The script states that 49 million singles have dabbled in online dating, indicating its widespread popularity.
What is the annual revenue of the online dating industry mentioned in the script?
-The script mentions that the online dating industry is a 1.8 billion dollar a year industry, highlighting its economic significance.
What cultural shift is the speaker referring to in relation to dating apps?
-The speaker refers to a cultural shift where dating is becoming more casual, and fear of missing out (FOMO) is prevalent, leading to a rise in dating apps and a change in traditional dating norms.
What are some of the modern dating trends mentioned in the script?
-The script mentions trends such as 'pocketing' and 'cookie jarring,' which are part of the new casual dating culture that has emerged with the popularity of dating apps.
What is the current divorce rate in the U.S. and Canada according to the script?
-The script suggests that the divorce rate in the U.S. and Canada is at an alarming high of 52 percent, and it is suspected to be rising.
What advice did the speaker's mother give her about relationships that had a profound impact?
-The advice was that the cruelest thing one can do to another human being is to ignore them, and conversely, the greatest kindness is to be present and show up in relationships, regardless of the emotions felt.
How does the speaker describe the impact of technology on youth and their understanding of authentic intimacy?
-The speaker suggests that while technology provides vast knowledge, it also exposes youth to a casual attitude towards sex and relationships, potentially leading to an intimacy crisis and a lack of understanding of authentic intimacy.
What challenge does the speaker issue at the end of the script?
-The speaker challenges the audience to defy the current social climate of hookups and emotional invisibility by forging new models that demonstrate authentic intimacy, emphasizing the need for action to prevent an emotionally bankrupt society.
Outlines
😀 The Reality of Online Dating
The speaker humorously introduces the prevalence of online dating, highlighting the initial excitement and potential pitfalls, such as receiving inappropriate pictures. They discuss the industry's growth, referencing the number of singles involved and the billion-dollar market. The cultural shift towards casual dating is noted, with terms like 'Netflix and chill' becoming the norm. The speaker also touches on the impact of dating apps on traditional courtship and commitment, citing high divorce rates and a decline in marriage among young adults. A personal anecdote about the importance of presence in relationships is shared, emphasizing the advice given by the speaker's mother about the cruelty of ignoring others and the kindness of being present.
😔 The Decline of Empathy and the Rise of Emotional Invisibility
This paragraph delves into the consequences of modern dating trends, such as quick judgments and a lack of depth in relationships, facilitated by apps like Tinder. The speaker warns of a future where traditional romance might be replaced by casual encounters and unplanned pregnancies. They discuss the societal shift towards emotional invisibility, where people are less likely to invest in deep connections. The dangers of internet and social media addiction are mentioned, along with the fear of authenticity due to potential condemnation. A memoir story about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Loretta Scott King's first meeting is shared to illustrate the importance of looking beyond first impressions.
👶 The Impact of Technology on Youth and the Need for Emotional Literacy
The speaker addresses the challenges faced by the post-millennial generation, characterized by their acceptance of diversity and individuality. However, they also face an 'intimacy crisis' due to the casual attitude towards sex and relationships fostered by hookup culture. Psychological effects of multiple hookups, such as increased depression and anxiety, are discussed. The influence of technology on youth is highlighted, with children spending more time with devices than with parents or teachers. The speaker calls for more education on emotional literacy, communication, and boundaries, as well as a media literacy approach to pornography, which often misinforms young people about intimacy.
🌟 The Challenge to Foster Authentic Intimacy and Emotional Connection
In the final paragraph, the speaker issues a challenge to defy the current social climate of hookups and emotional invisibility. They emphasize the importance of modeling authentic intimacy for future generations and the need to educate about emotional literacy and communication. The speaker reflects on the societal changes and the burden on young people to navigate complex issues without proper guidance. They conclude with a call to action, urging the audience to consider the legacy they will leave and to take steps to promote genuine connection and understanding in relationships.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Online Dating
💡Hookup Culture
💡Emotional Visibility
💡Authenticity
💡Intimacy
💡Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
💡Digital Age
💡Cultural Shift
💡Emotional Invisibility
💡Vulnerability
💡Media Literacy
Highlights
The speaker begins by engaging the audience with a question about their experiences with online dating.
A humorous anecdote about receiving an unexpected revealing photo during online dating sets the tone for the talk.
Online dating is a $1.8 billion industry, indicating its widespread popularity and impact on modern relationships.
The speaker discusses the prevalence of dating apps and the cultural shift towards casual dating.
The emergence of 'hookup culture' and its implications on traditional courtship and commitment are explored.
Statistics on the high divorce rate and the decline in young marriages are presented, suggesting a societal change.
The speaker argues that the digital age enables hookup culture, which lacks the intimacy of deep connections.
A personal story about the importance of showing up in relationships is shared, emphasizing empathy and compassion.
The rapid judgment of people on dating apps is compared to not reading beyond the cover of a book.
The speaker predicts a future where romance and traditional dating may become extinct due to current trends.
The dangers of internet and social media addiction are highlighted, with over 210 million people affected.
The speaker discusses the fear of authenticity in the age of social media and its impact on relationships.
A memoir story about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Loretta Scott King illustrates the power of emotional connection.
The importance of vulnerability for deep human connection is underscored by referencing Dr. Bernie Brown's research.
The speaker challenges the audience to move society from casual sex to emotional visibility and connection.
Generation Z is described as kind and accepting, but potentially the first to not know how to court a potential mate.
The impact of social media and technology on youth, and the need for education on emotional literacy and boundaries, is emphasized.
The speaker calls for a change in the current model of relationships, urging the audience to take action for a better legacy.
A final challenge is issued to the audience to rise to the occasion and redefine what authentic intimacy looks like.
Transcripts
[Music]
so show of hands in the room how many of
you have tried online dating come on get
them up I can kind of see you
I'm imagining most of you have tried
online dating and it's exciting at first
right match with a cute guy and you
check out his profile and there's no red
flags that he's a psychopath or the
Craigslist killer so that's a positive
so you decide to go for it
right maybe if you give him your phone
number cuz maybe at the off chance
you'll actually meet offline everything
seems to be going really well and the
next thing you know you're driving down
the interstate thinking about your newly
found love interest listening to love
ballets on replay other people do that
right and you think wow this could be it
this could be my person like the search
is finally over like I can see like a
white picket fence and 2.5 kids kind of
search is over right and then it happens
you get a text message you look down at
it just to see it's from your guy and
you open it up to see a beautiful
picture of him smiling back at you
wearing nothing but a smile
it's all fun and games till they send
you a picture of themselves in their
birthday suit welcome to online dating
49 million singles have dabbled in
online datings so it's no surprise it's
a 1.8 billion dollar a year industry and
growing I mean now we can shop for
potential mate as easily as a pair of
designer shoes need a date for tonight
so about a billion other people and
they're all on dating apps everywhere
you look you see another one you've got
zoosk
plenty of fish bumble hinder harmony
match.com hoozy what see I mean they're
everywhere these apps are direct results
of a cultural shift we're dating is
becoming more of a casual activity and
FOMO fear of missing out is running
rampant Netflix and chill is becoming
the new dinner and a movie rather and
things like pocketing and cookie jarring
and casts bringer like the latest dating
trends we have to be made aware of and
we do even at what are those what are
those things
ladies and gentlemen gone are the days
of traditional courtship romance and
commitment welcome to hookup culture we
have new models now so say hello to a
culture of free choice personal
fulfillment and an anything-goes
approach interestingly enough the
divorce rate in the u.s. in Canada
is at an all-time alarming high of 52
percent and I suspect rising and less
and less young people are choosing to
marry early if at all a Gallup poll
conducted in June of 2015 looked at the
number of married u.s. adults between
the ages of 18 and 29 they found that
there is a decrease from 30 to 15
percent over the last decade so I ask
you why didn't run in women say that
today it's harder now than ever before
to date well I believe I believe the
answer to that is simple this abundant
digital age that we live in is actually
enabling hookup culture which by its
very name we know is complete
the void of intimacy the intimacy only
found in deep connection with others
when I was a little girl I got into a
fight with my mother over something so
monumental that to this very moment I
have no recollection of what it was
about but clearly was important and I
remember I did not speak to her for
three solid days not for lack of her
trying and on the third day she took me
by the hand walked me into the kitchen
and sat me down looked me in the eye and
gave me a piece of advice that would
shift my perspective on relationships
forever
she said Erin Elizabeth now you know
when the mom uses the middle name like
they are not messing around
she said the cruelest thing that you can
ever do to another human being is to
ignore them conversely the greatest
kindness you can ever give to another
human being is to be present and to show
up in your relationships regardless of
the emotions you're feeling I share this
with you because today it's never been
easier to connect with somebody
conversely it's never been easier to
disconnect from somebody when mother
said that people can be cruel she wasn't
kidding
empathy vulnerability compassion the
three single most important ingredients
found in connection are not being
exercised regularly in our relationships
thanks to the likes of tinder we're
judging people so quickly that we are
simply glancing at a cover of a book
without ever reading what's written
inside the pages meaningless
relationships and cheap thrills are
becoming our new norm and things like
romance and dating they're becoming
extinct can you imagine two generations
from now your grandchildren looking up
at even saying how did you and Grandpa
meet and your response saying well and
involved tender a one-night stand and an
unplanned pregnancy
a far cry from the likes of the notebook
but that's where we're headed that's
where we're headed people are becoming
more jaded cynical closed hearted and
simply unwilling to put in the effort to
cultivate these deep and lasting
relationships because let's face it
today the risk is not worth the reward
so what I do know is that if we don't
show up in our relationships we will
become emotionally invisible and if we
become emotionally invisible
we will definitely breed an emotionally
invisible Society it is estimated that
over 210 million people suffer from
Internet and social media addictions
worldwide so it's no surprise that they
compare the feeling of meeting somebody
online with the feeling of experimenting
with drugs for the first time people are
actually addicted to that is that high
that next hit of dopamine when finding
love online but the crash is usually
always impending because people aren't
allowing themselves to be authentic and
how can they be we showcase our entire
lives via Instagram snapchat Facebook
myself included right so but people are
afraid they're afraid to be authentic
because a fear of condemnation I mean I
only post about the good stuff my life
saw sunshine and roses right I don't
talk about the sheer terror I felt when
I lost my last business venture
unexpectedly or the fact that I have
extreme mom guilts because my son is
growing up in an environment without his
father I certainly don't talk about my
constant body image issues and the daily
battle I have with my scale but that's
me
those are my truths and I hide
when you think about things like this it
makes the hug up seemed like a really
attractive option because there's safety
and anonymity that does not bode well
for a process that requires radical
authenticity I want to share with you a
story from a memoir that I came across
while I was preparing for my talk which
seemed to scream relevancy to me it all
started when a mutual friend played
matchmaker sliding the number of a young
girl studying voice at the University of
Boston across the table and into the
hands of an eager young man who studied
getting his PhD at the Boston School of
Theology
the eager young man immediately called
her and asked her if he could meet her
in person she accepted reluctantly and
said he could take her for lunch her
first impression of him over the phone
was that he was the prim and proper
black-suited and boring type but on a
cold Thursday in January the young man
showed up in his green Chevy it wasn't
love at first sight much as she had
anticipated he was not that impressive
he was quite short he looked quite young
and he was indeed the black-suited and
boring type but something happened not
long into their date her view of him
changed completely she realized that he
wasn't anything other than a man of
substance and the longer he spoke the
taller he grew in stature and the more
mature he became in her eyes this is the
love story between dr. Martin Luther
King jr. and Loretta Scott King the
founders of a well documented legacy of
using non-violence to affect legislative
change
legacy of activism social reform the
civil rights work that continues today a
legacy that began in 1952 between a man
and a woman who chose to be emotionally
invisible to one another
dr. Bernie Brown a brilliant researcher
out of the University of Houston focuses
her work around vulnerability and the
implications to us as people if we
desensitize ourselves towards it she
states that staying vulnerable is a risk
we have to take if we want to experience
deep human connection that we must allow
ourselves to be seen and have the power
to be imperfect that by dodging
vulnerability we not only chien
ourselves of intimacy but also making
relationships work it is the birthplace
of creativity of love and of joy but how
do we move an entire culture that is
saturated in this casualness towards sex
in relationship towards that of
emotional visibility and connection the
post-millennial gems ears people born
between 1997 and 2016 their beautiful
culture and generation and not just
because my son is part of this
generation this generation is been
characterized by multiple researchers as
being kind they're the first generation
that is totally accepting of gender
equality race color religion their
politically neutral there is the closest
we have come as a society that actually
embraces and celebrates individual
uniqueness and differences how
incredible thought is that knowing that
future generations will grow up in a
world where they're more likely to be
accepted than rejected by their
and brothers and sisters and this
generation generation Z they're forming
their view on love and relationships
right this minute the frightening fact
is that current social trends are
potentially creating the first
generation in history that has
absolutely no idea how to court a
potential mate let alone find the
language to do so intimately journalist
Sabrina while asserts that this hookup
culture is creating such a casual
attitude around sex that teens today are
actually facing an intimacy crisis that
will undoubtedly follow them into
adulthood further studies even show that
there are psychological issues
associated with multiple hookups a
recent study done by journalists or by a
psychologist Seth Schwartz in Psychology
Today shows the direct correlation
between multiple hookups and
psychological effects such as increased
levels of depression anxiety and release
levels of self-esteem happiness and
self-worth on another note according to
CNN the impact of social media and
technology on youth today is
immeasurable by the time American
children reached the age of five more
than 50 percent regularly interact with
a tablet or device and by middle school
teens are spending more time with social
media than with parents or with teachers
upwards of six hours a day but
technology is not going to slow down nor
should it
young people today have unlimited
knowledge of their fingertips and that's
a great thing I wish I had that growing
up I would have gladly traded in my
County library's card catalogue of the
Dewey Decimal System for a piece of that
action right but what they don't have is
a clear picture of what authentic
intimacy should look like let alone the
tools the skills are the language to
navigate and discuss complex and often
sexually stigmatized issues we need to
implement a lot more education we need
to teach them about emotional literacy
communication boundaries and we also
need to implement a media approach and
media literacy approach to pornography
which sadly serves as a number one
contributor to our children's sexual
education today I imagine being a young
person today is extremely exciting but
also very scary and confusing decades of
slow cultural change from gay rights to
gender equality and a booming
internetting it seemingly peaking right
in front of you you've got things like
the me2 movement non-binary gender
awareness political debates over
bathrooms easy access pornography
alright they're just as you're starting
to get your first crush and pass math
class but you're expected to understand
everything that's going on and navigate
successfully that's quite a heavy burden
to place on such small shoulders without
a guide when I was packing for my trip
two days ago
my brilliant boy who's four going on 18
said to me mama where are you going I
said well buddy
his name is Kingston
mommy's going to Canada to do a
presentation he says oh you're going to
work I said okay sure mommy is going to
work
I said Kingston do you know why adults
go to work he looks at me hands on hips
and says Zell mom they go to work so
they could learn stuff to teach children
from the mouths of babes right I was
driving the other day listening to the
greatest love of all by the late great
Whitney Houston and I the line I believe
children of the future teach them well
and let them lead the way
it hit me like a ton of bricks because
isn't that what it's all about what kind
of legacy are we gonna leave do we live
passionately do we love fully did we
lead by example
did we make an impact so here's my
challenge to you today we need to defy
the current social climate of hookups
and emotional invisibility and forge new
models models which demonstrate what
pure authentic intimacy looks like if we
don't we must be willing to root to
understand that we are facing the
ever-present reality of becoming an
emotionally bankrupt society where
future generations they're never going
to experience romance courtship or the
pure joy and belonging only found in
deep connection with others we need to
exercise our emotional muscles and show
up in our relationships both online and
off we need to be an empathetic and make
others feel understood we need to listen
actively ask questions take
responsibility for our behaviors and
most importantly be compassionate and
treat others with compassion
people today are starving for intimacy I
see it I see it every day but at some
point we have to realize that we can't
blame society because you and I we are
society so we have to take action if we
want to change the current model a model
which isn't working for anybody we have
to take action and the words of Rabbi
Hillel over two millennia ago if not you
who and if not now when
when it comes to our legacy we could not
afford to wait for one will you rise to
the challenge
you
[Applause]
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