I help people die – here’s what they’ve taught me about living | Alua Arthur

Summary

Alua Arthur, a death doula and author, shares her transformative journey from depression to a meaningful life dedicated to helping others through the dying process. Born in Ghana and feeling like an outsider in the U.S., she struggled with identity and a sense of belonging. After an eye-opening encounter with a woman facing terminal cancer, Alua reevaluated her own life, finding urgency in living fully. This led her to pursue death doula work, where she provides holistic support for the dying, emphasizing grace, presence, and living authentically. Her story is both a personal and professional evolution towards embracing mortality and helping others do the same.

Takeaways

• 😀 Alua Arthur, a death doula and author, emphasizes living with the urgency of life and not letting it pass by unnoticed.
• 😀 Alua's journey includes growing up as an outsider, facing challenges related to culture and race after moving from Ghana to the United States.
• 😀 She initially tried to fit in by following societal expectations, choosing law school, but this led her to severe depression and a sense of hopelessness.
• 😀 Alua describes a period of deep depression where she lost a significant amount of weight and felt disconnected from her own body.
• 😀 A turning point came when her friend Kristen truly saw her struggles, which helped Alua confront her own reality.
• 😀 Alua traveled to Cuba in an attempt to escape her life, where a profound conversation with a woman named Jessica changed her perspective on mortality.
• 😀 Jessica, a woman suffering from uterine cancer, helped Alua realize the importance of living with awareness of one’s own death and pursuing meaningful goals.
• 😀 The conversation with Jessica made Alua reflect on her own life and the type of life she wanted to lead before her death.
• 😀 After returning from Cuba, Alua's perspective on life and death shifted further when her brother-in-law, Peter, passed away, inspiring her to pursue death doula work.
• 😀 As a death doula, Alua provides emotional, practical, and logistical support for the dying and their loved ones, aiming to ensure that death is met with compassion and dignity.
• 😀 Alua now lives more fully and presently, embracing grace and authenticity in her life and work, motivated by the desire to make a meaningful impact before her death.

Q & A

What is the significance of the urgency Alua Arthur speaks about in the beginning?

Alua Arthur emphasizes the importance of living with the urgency of our lives, meaning we should be present in our lives and not let them pass by unnoticed. It's about living authentically, with purpose, and being mindful of the finite nature of time.

How does Alua Arthur describe her experience of being an outsider?

Alua Arthur describes her sense of being an outsider due to both cultural and racial differences. Born in Ghana, she felt alienated when she moved to the United States at the age of three, and struggled with feelings of not measuring up, which led to frustration, sadness, and defensiveness.

What did Alua Arthur's experience in law school represent in her life?

Law school represented her attempt to fit into a conventional path, playing by the rules to gain acceptance. However, she felt like a 'hexagon-shaped peg trying to fit into a square hole,' which led to a deep sense of dissatisfaction and eventually clinical depression.

How did Alua Arthur's depression affect her physical and mental state?

Alua's depression caused her to feel disconnected from her body and life. She lost significant weight, felt hopeless, and retreated from life. She was living on minimal sustenance like wine and cigarettes, and physically, her body became frail, reflecting her emotional state.

What was the turning point that led Alua Arthur to begin her recovery?

The turning point came when her friend Kristen saw her struggles and she allowed Kristen to truly see her. This moment of vulnerability forced Alua to confront herself and her situation, breaking the barrier she had built around her emotional pain.

What role did Alua Arthur’s trip to Cuba play in her emotional recovery?

Alua's trip to Cuba marked a critical step in her emotional recovery. While there, she met Jessica, a woman with uterine cancer, who was actively preparing for death by fulfilling her bucket list. This encounter profoundly impacted Alua, as it forced her to confront her own mortality and reconsider how she was living her life.

How did Jessica's story influence Alua Arthur’s view on life and death?

Jessica's story was a wake-up call for Alua. Seeing someone close to her age preparing for death made her realize the importance of living fully. Jessica's reflections on life and death helped Alua rethink her own existence and the kind of life she wanted to lead.

What did Alua Arthur learn from her brother-in-law Peter’s illness?

Alua learned from her brother-in-law Peter's illness that death is inevitable for all, and each individual is a universe unto themselves. His illness deepened her understanding of life and death, showing her the importance of supporting those nearing the end of their lives with compassion and presence.

What is the role of a death doula, according to Alua Arthur?

A death doula is a non-medical, holistic support person who provides emotional, practical, and logistical assistance to a dying person and their loved ones. The goal is to guide individuals through the end-of-life process in a compassionate and healing way.

How has Alua Arthur's work as a death doula impacted her own life?

Alua's work as a death doula has allowed her to embrace grace and live more presently. It has helped her focus on what truly matters in life, given her permission to be authentic, and freed her from holding anything back. It also provides her with a reminder of the importance of living fully before death comes.