Put her to work: women want to care for you

Summary

In this insightful talk, Dr. Orion Terban explores how men can build more fulfilling relationships by ensuring mutual value exchange. He highlights that many women seek to nurture, but they need to feel a genuine connection with the right partner. Men, therefore, should invest in themselves to attract women who are eager to contribute. Dr. Terban emphasizes the importance of testing commitment early by asking women to contribute to the relationship, which helps men assess their compatibility. He also explains how this approach fosters stronger, long-term connections based on shared responsibility and mutual investment.

Takeaways

• 😀 Women have a natural instinct to nurture and care, but they need to genuinely like a man to do so in a relationship.
• 😀 Men often misunderstand women's reluctance to provide value in relationships, assuming women are just looking to be spoiled. In reality, women generally want to contribute if they are emotionally invested.
• 😀 Women are more likely to suffer from anxiety due to historical dependence on social connections, making them crave relationships where they can care for someone.
• 😀 The more attractive, fit, and well-rounded a man is, the more likely he is to encounter women eager to contribute to the relationship.
• 😀 Modern courtship tends to present women as the prize, but this dynamic leaves the nurturing instinct unfulfilled, which destabilizes the relationship.
• 😀 Men often play a ‘bait and switch’ game in relationships, where they invest in nurturing women, expecting the women to reciprocate later. This is an unsustainable strategy.
• 😀 Early in a relationship, men should establish roles and responsibilities clearly, preventing misaligned expectations.
• 😀 Just like in a professional setting, a woman’s willingness to take on responsibility in a relationship is a clear sign of her investment and character.
• 😀 A woman who refuses to take on responsibility or help in the relationship should be seen as a red flag — she may not be interested in a long-term commitment.
• 😀 Women who genuinely care for a man will view requests for help as opportunities to prove their value and demonstrate their commitment to the relationship.

Q & A

What does Dr. Orion Terban mean by 'put her to work' in relationships?

Dr. Orion Terban uses the phrase 'put her to work' to suggest that men should ask women to contribute to the relationship early on, in a way that aligns with what they want in a partner. This helps to test her interest and character while ensuring that both parties understand what they are signing up for.

Why does Dr. Terban believe many women appear to want to be 'taken care of' in relationships?

Dr. Terban acknowledges that some women may act as if they want to be spoiled, but he argues that the majority of women are interested in supporting and caring for a man, as long as they genuinely like him. The issue arises when the woman does not feel intrinsic value in the relationship.

What is the connection between women’s anxiety and their evolutionary roles?

Dr. Terban links women’s higher rates of anxiety to their historical role of caring for children who were often unaware of dangers. This heightened sense of anxiety was evolutionarily beneficial for protecting vulnerable children. In modern times, this instinct remains, but it can manifest as anxiety when women lack someone to care for.

What is the 'fairy boat captain' analogy Dr. Terban uses?

The 'fairy boat captain' analogy illustrates a situation where a man pampers a woman in the hope that she will eventually reciprocate. Dr. Terban suggests this approach is flawed because once a man starts treating a woman as a passenger rather than an active participant, it becomes impossible for him to switch roles without risking the relationship’s stability.

How does Dr. Terban recommend men should approach courtship and relationships?

Dr. Terban recommends that men should put women into the roles they desire for them in their lives early in the courtship. This helps ensure both parties understand the relationship dynamic and allows men to gauge the woman’s interest and character from the outset.

What does Dr. Terban mean by 'work samples' in the context of relationships?

Dr. Terban compares the relationship dynamics to hiring practices in the workplace. He suggests that rather than just having discussions, men should give women the opportunity to 'do the job' by asking them to contribute in meaningful ways. This helps men assess their suitability for the roles they want women to play in their lives.

Why does Dr. Terban believe men should ask women for things early in the relationship?

Dr. Terban believes that asking a woman for contributions early in the relationship helps test her interest and character. A woman who is genuinely interested will see these requests as opportunities to demonstrate her value, while a woman who is not invested will avoid or resist them.

How does Dr. Terban view the concept of 'value' in modern relationships?

Dr. Terban critiques the modern view where women are seen as the prize and men are expected to compete for their attention. He believes that value should be reciprocal in relationships, with both parties contributing, rather than one side being seen as the 'giver' and the other as the 'taker.'

What is Dr. Terban's perspective on women taking responsibility in relationships?

Dr. Terban argues that when women take on responsibility within a relationship, it demonstrates their investment in the long-term success of the relationship. He suggests that this helps protect them from being used for purely sexual gratification and solidifies their role in the relationship.

How does Dr. Terban define a healthy approach to dating and relationships?

Dr. Terban’s approach to healthy dating involves clarity of expectations early on. He emphasizes that men should set the tone by asking women to contribute and participate in ways that align with their relationship goals. This helps prevent misunderstandings and ensures both parties are aligned in their desires and values.